Poly- what?!

I first glimpsed the term two days ago in someone's tweet. A colleague on Twitter let me know that he was attending a lecture on The Rise of Polyamory in the New Millennium. Hmm, I thought. What new psycho-nonsense is this? I ignored it. Then it popped up on one of my news feeds as a new cultural trend and I realized I was going to have to at the very least look it up.

Polyamory (from Wikipedia): is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and free consent of everyone involved.

Polyamory, often abbreviated to poly, is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is occasionally used more broadly to refer to any sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as a crucial defining characteristic.

Uh-huh. So I popped over to Newsweek to read the article (it's the new sexual revolution!) and watch the corresponding video which is chock-full of melanin-challenged folks swapping spit with like-minded others, smiling broadly, and talking earnestly about their "lifestyle." Now supposedly, this is not to be confused with polygamy or communes or "swinging" and truly works because all of the partners are aware and okay with the situation. There is apparently a movement underway to allow "multi-partner marriages."

I am so sorry to have to say this BUT I CALL BULLSHIGGITY! Double BULLSHIGGITY! Here's why:

  1. WTF is ethical, responsible non-monogamy?!!? Isn't that a misnomer, oxymoron, some sort of contradictory statement?
  2. We don't need a new sexual revolution, seriously. We need fewer folks out there passing it around like downloaded 2-for-1 KFC coupons.
  3. I don't know a single gentleman that I have dated who would be okay with me sharing the cupcakes… not a one. And know this… I DON'T SHARE… well not my man anyway and don't tell me it's not all about the sex. It's just as bad to share emotional intimacy all over town. OneChele is so not having it.
  4. What's wrong with a few traditional boundaries and rules? What's so bad about A&B, 1 + 1 = 2?
  5. This is immature but may I say, "Eeeewww! That's nasty ya'll." Hello? Communicable diseases?

I have many questions. Does every partner get to vote on who joins the partnership? If a partner is kicked off Multi-Love Island, do they get alimony/palimony? How are kids in the mix with issues of attachment and discipline and custody? If there is a group schedule (and I assume there must be), what happens when one misses their spot in the rotation? Next batter up to the plate? Where does everybody live? NO one gets jealous? NO one plays favorites? Are you really getting the best of someone if they are spreading it across three, five (or seven) different people? My head hurts.

You know, I can't even come up with a fair and unbiased evaluation of this nonsense. Whoever decided to promote this as an acceptable long-term relationship solution to be emulated and glorified is full of you know what (say it with me now… bullshiggity!). Call me old-fashioned… I can live with that. Here's what I will say… this is SO NOT bougie. The whole concept seems like sanctioned skankery (yes, I made that word up).

I have to ease a race card out of my back pocket now, folks. This does not seem to be a "black thing." Yeah, yeah – I know we're all "post-racialicious" and there is no such thing as a "black" thing and a "white" thing but… I'm sorry, I don't know too many of the brothers co-signing on this one and sisters are notorious for going left (think hot grits and cast-iron pans for reference) on their indiscreet menfolk. Is this something that would be more accepted in other subcultures or even nationalities? I really don't know and look forward to some input. I also look forward to someone submitting a positive spin on this; I couldn't come up with one (clearly).

What does this say about our society that multi-partner relationships are supposedly the new hip trend? Is this another nail in the coffin for marriage? What do you think of the polyamory lifestyle?