Bougie Workplace Chronicles - When Helping Your Own Goes Horribly Wrong

For those not in the know, my day job on Paycheck Plantation is Human Resources. Specifically Talent Acquisition Consulting. I've wanted to quit and write full-time for over ten years. The struggle continues. Let's move on...

There was a sister-girl on my team. Grown, over 40, been in recruiting a while. She seemed professional, hard-working, knowledgeable and pleasant. Right before Thanksgiving, we had to cut resources on my project. Client was slow to move candidates to hire status which impacted our billing which impacted our budget and the next thing you know, my team is cut from five to two. Le Boo, dammit.

But since I'm good people and I liked her (we'll call her Kendra), I found a position working on a similar project for the same client. I thought Kendra would be a fit and I recommended her to the higher ups. In chatting with her, I explained that the role she would be slotted into was high visibility, high stress, and high maintenance but if she did well, she could really craft her career moving forward. It's the role I started out in at this company and I've been able to maneuver around pretty well based on the contacts I made and th e revenue I generated. She was excited, management loved her, it was a done deal. Her job was saved, the holidays would be happy. Hurray for all, right? 

Fast forward a few months. I get a call from Kendra asking if I could authorize a pay increase because she was "doing way too much work for too little money" um... welcome to Corporate America, sista girl? Surely this was not her first time at the circus, she knew how the clowns played? Anyway... I tell her I have no such authorization capability but if she hung in there maybe she could bring it up with someone over my head after the first of the year when budgets were being reviewed.

Sometime in mid-January, Kendra goes gangsta. Calls up the Sr. Manager and Director and asks for her $$$. In fact, she demands $$$. Bad news for Kendra, she hadn't hired anyone in 62 days. So um... cuz for why are we giving you an increase when you're not close to hitting your target numbers? Kendra goes Shaquandraeneisha on us. She calls in Human Resources and tells them that I promised her a raise to get  her to take this job. AND that I have been exposing her to "same race racism" on a regular basis. 

**crickets**

Can someone look that up for me? What in all the fricky-frack of God's Good Kingdom is same race racism? Colorism, classism, ageism - I got those. Same race, what? She no longer reported to me, I only talked to her on client calls once a week. Was I racist for saying, "Hey girl" on the call? She said the rest of us on the team made her feel like she was in a hostile work environment. Ma'am? We all work FROM HOME? Who is messing with your living quarters? And what does that have to do with me? Girl bye...

Kendra quit working. Oh, she didn't quit her job, she just quit even pretending to be productive. Instead, she attempted to file suit against me, everyone up the chain three levels above me, the HR girl who told her she was tripping, the HR woman that the HR girl reported to... on and on. And of course since she had quit working, I had to step in and do all her shiggity so the client wouldn't trip. Say it with me now: Michele. Was. Tart. Turned on the computer every morning with my fist balled up.

The beauty (and pain) of the consulting business is that if people love you, you get put on the best projects and you're golden. If they don't, you get put on "the bench" - unpaid purgatory until another client picks you up and falls in love. We put Kendra on the bench. Brought in a former military Dudley Do Right type to take her place. So now I'm doing her job, training her replacement and doing all the shiggity for my own job which is significant since they never re-staffed my group. Say it with me now: Michele. Is. Tart.

What you can do to help is go out and buy 1 million copies of my books so I can quit. I'll throw a great party, you're all invited. :) Ha!

No really, the lesson learned is that you can't reach out to everybody. Because some folks will bite the hand that feeds.

Anyone been through this at work? Where you tried to help somebody out and it came back to bite you in your hindparts? Do share...

Human Resources WNTD #5308 - Go Gangsta about your compensation

As many of you know, I've been in H. R-uh for over 15 years. I've seen and heard a lot of good, a lot of bad and a lot of ugly. So every now and again, I like to share from the HR What Not To Do files for your education and entertainment. Usually though, I'm not the subject of the WNTD.

However, I have been fed up with my overall compensation package for a minute. Every time I tried to address it, I was diverted/shuffled/shutdown and basically foiled at every turn. So I waited until after performance appraisals were completed and I "succeeded expectations" across the board. I waited until they announced the well-over-projected profits on the recruiting project I handled solo for the majority of the year. And then I waited until I had other options lined up in case this discussion did not go well. Then I scheduled time on the Project Director's calendar to discuss my "career progression" and sent her an agenda of what I wanted to discuss.

Now all of that is the right way to launch a discussion about salary. Almost textbook in fact. What happened next... is not. 

I had a whole intro and a speech put together but by the time we wrapped up the chitchat, all I could say was - 'This is way too much work for way too little money. You can pay me more, work me less, or put me on another account where they will pay me more or work me less but I've hit the wall. So what's it going to be?"

**dead silence** And then finally she says, "How much more are we talking about?"

#Score! I named an outlandishly high number, she named a number that was what I really wanted all along and we agreed. Two hours later I received an email confirming my new comp. Bougie Gangsta. (Don't try this at home, folks)

BougieLand, have you asked for a raise before? How did it go and what did you learn? The floor is yours...

#PostRacismFAIL: "You don't sound black"

I work for a global human resources and recruiting company. Mid-size and large companies outsource their talent acquisition so that in essence, we are their virtual recruiting department. (Hence all the yoga pants references) The account I'm currently assigned to is a mid-size software company in the process of growing to the next level. It means they are profitable and generally have bought into the recruiting model we've sold them. It also means that they have some small company tendencies still lurking about.

The other day I was on a conference call with an executive from Scotland and a Human Resources rep from New Jersey. We were discussing an opening for the Chicago office. After drilling through the requirements/must haves/like to haves, the HR rep indicated that it would be great for diversity targets if we could hire a minority female into the role.

The exec asked, "Michele, do we know any minorities in HR or recruiting who can assist with this?"

I pressed the mute button so my snort of laughter would not be audible and then I un-muted and answered, "Besides me, you mean?"

**awkward silence**

The HR rep piped up, "Michele, are you some kind of black?" (Yes, the HR rep asked this)

I rolled my eyes, "I'm all kinds of black."

The Scotsman said, "But Michele isn't a black name, is it?"

A black name?! Deep sigh. "Well it's my name and I'm black so..."

HR rep, "You don't really sound black to me."

Now I'm fed up, "What exactly does black sound like?"

**awkward silence**

The Scotsman tried to save the day, "My apologies. I do so hope you're not offended."

"Why would I be offended about being black? I've been this way all my life." Yep, at that point I was enjoying their discomfort.

Scotsman, "Perhaps we should move on."

Me, "Certainly."

It was obvious that they were stunned to find out I was black. So I got to thinking - maybe I should drop some more colorful colloquialisms into my every day lexicon? A few "whaddup, whaddups" or perhaps I could enter the conference call with a rap "Yes, yes ya'll. I must confess ya'll. My name's Michele, I'm here to tell I'm blackity-black ya'll" - whatcha think?

No? Mayhaps I should play entry music upon my arrival to the call. I was thinking the processional music from Coming to America?

Or maybe the first few 30 seconds of the Circle of Life from The Lion King?

Gotta keep it classy while still blacking it up. :-/

BougieLand, do we even want to get into how many instances of post-racism FAIL they stumbld into here? Need we discuss just WTH a "black name" is? Don't get me started on the "sounding black" of it all? Have you ever been "racially misidentified" on the phone? How did you handle it? Thoughts, comments, insights?

Faking it - no, not that! Surviving the work social

3N and I were forced required compelled to go to his boss' get together last night. We hate those joints. His boss throws the whackest whitest least flavorful get togethers known to man. The last soiree involved a Risk marathon. You remember the game Risk? Took hours and hours and hours to play even when the world was divvied up in advance? Yeah...

So last night, we attend yet another freakity frickin' game night at dude's estate. It's not a house, it's an estate. Someone has to buzz you in to the neighborhood and then into his driveway and then into the house. The economy may be a pile of flaming shiggity but international wealth management is still straight stealing. 

Anyway, at least this time we were allowed to chose the game and chose our teams. Unfortunately, boss man and his very plastic wife wanted to be partners with me and 3N. [They are both just a little too damn friendly if you catch my drift, but that's a whole other post] So we chose Scene It for the Wii and sat down with 3 other teams to play. Boss Man hands me the controller, "Bring it home, sister."

**insert laugh track here** [Why I gotta be a sister tho?]

If I had $100 for every time 3N and I did the fake laugh, he and I would be on a plane to Costa Rica for a 10-day all expense paid vacation right now. "Oh my God, you are too funny. Stop, you're killing me. It's too much! He-he-he." The one boss man's his wife took her eyes off of 3N's ass to catch my eye and exchange a glance, I knew she had probably been faking much more than laughter for quite some time. Bless her bleach blonde heart.

It was just a quirk that a lot of the movies in this round of Scene It were mafia movies and it was Mob Week on AMC last week. The other half of the questions were sci-fi and 3N is Mr. Science Fiction. It took no time at all to wrap that game up. There was an awkward moment when one of 3N's coworkers tried to make some sort of joke about a movie he had seen where the aliens had Asian brains and Negro penises. Yeahhhhh.... you know when you're the only people of color in the room and everybody looks at you to see if you're going to start a race riot over some shiggity?

3N to the rescue, "Sounds like you might need more work to do if you have enough spare time to watch movies like that, Jeff."

**insert louder laugh track here** "Ha, ha - you sure told him!"

After making small talk for another twenty minutes and nursing soft drinks, we made our excuses. We have a routine:

3N: "Well, you know Michele's a busy lady, I don't want her to turn into a pumpkin."
Me: "At least not until you buy me the diamond slippers!"

"He-he-he!"
"Diamond slippers"
"That's inflation for you!"

"So funny!"

"You two are so cute!"

It was all giggles until boss man's wife said, "I was hoping you'd stick around, we're going to open some champagne and take a swim in a little while."

We exchanged glances, 3N was looking slightly panicky. I took one for the team. "Girlfriend, you know I just got my hair done. Don't come between a black woman and a fresh do."

"He-he-he! I hear you, girlfriend!"

Whew, we were outta there.

BougieLand, the chit-chatter. The fake work laugh. The stories you've heard before but sit through again. The happy hours that aren't mandatory... but really are. The pretense of liking folks you would never (ever, ever) spend time with otherwise... who's done it and how'd you get through it? Have you developed a work social persona? An exit strategy? Do tell...

Why can't we be friends? The case for (against) work wives/husbands...

There is a brother at the new consulting gig who started the same day I did. He kinda rolled up round lunch time on the first day and introduced himself. A bunch of us went out to eat and he offered to drive. He held open the passenger and said, "Michele?" Oh. I guess I got shotgun. During the course of the meal, he mentioned a wife and I mentioned a significant other. Nuff said (as far as I was concerned). We also found out that we know a half dozen of the same people and worked at the same companies (at different times) in the last twelve years. Long story short, we had a similar professional background.

So for the past three days, we took to sitting next to each other and sharing the "are we there yet?" look with one and other. This afternoon, one of the girls said "So are you two a couple now?" 

**crickets** with a large dose of #HOP (Hold On Playa) two side-eyes and a WDDDA? No. Ma'am. We both, at the same time said, "No!" 

One woman said, "Yeah, that's how it starts. I've got my eye on you two."

Really, I didn't feel the need to discuss it any further. They don't know what I've got at home. They don't know what he's got at home. I only met this man 72 hours ago and beyond comparing work notes and an affinity for turkey and avocado on multigrain... that's all I knew. But the room at large felt the need to launch into a discussion of "work wives" and "work husbands" and that's how office romances start. I rolled my eyes and stepped outside to tweet.

Later when I was talking to New Ninja about it he nodded and then said, "Sure men and women can be work friends but believe me, he's already tucked you away in a 'might make a play for later' file."

Me, "What? No. It wasn't even like that."

Him, "It wasn't like that to you. Did he ask for your cell number as a 'professional contact'?"

Me, "Well, yeah. He called tonight to say he's assigned to different office."

Him, "Umm-hmm. You're in the 'come back around' file."

Me, "So you're saying they are no professional contacts. It's either a love thing or a 'maybe later' thing?"

Him, "No. There are professional contacts. Those consist of people you are not now nor never will be interested in romantically. And then there are professional contacts that you wouldn't mind sliding over to the personal side of the scale. Even if you never act on it."

Me, "I don't agree."

Him, "Ask BougieLand."

Fine (muttering under breath about folks trying to use my blog to prove their l'il point). BougieLand... do tell. Do you have a work husband or wife? What's the dynamic with "work spouses", are they people you would be with if you had the opportunity? Does it really all come down to the age old "Can men and women ever really be 'just friends'" question? Do share your thoughts, insights, comments...