Thursday, May 15, 2014

If you can't step up, why did you step forward? A Mature Bougie Bachelorette Chronicle


For all the 20- and 30-something Bougienistas out there kvetching about how hard dating is; here's an unfortunate fact: It doesn't get any easier as you get older. I'm sorry. I'm dishing truth straight no-chaser, it gets no easier. In fact, the pool is smaller and your patience is shorter and let's not even talk about battle-weariness and dating fatigue. I'm in something now that I want to call a relationship but without official confirmation of said status - we just hanging on. Yep. The Struggle Continues.

You would think as daters age, they would mature. That is not always the case. You would think as folks age, they know their own mind. That's also not always the case. People tend to get less open-minded as they get older, not more so. People that have the ability and willingness to change usually have done so before hitting age forty and up. So weigh those things into the dating pool. We're going to explore this with the Mature Bougie Bachelor and Bachelorette Chronicles... cuz some of us ain't 30 anymore... Let's look at one of the 40+ Bachelorette Chronicles:

Bougie Bachelorette #1 (BB1) is back in the dating game after a hiatus. To avoid some of the foolery of past experiences, she joined a site specifically geared to singles in her age bracket. Let's skip past the fellas who couldn't form a sentence, typed in texticon-ebonicionary or had the opening salvo of whatever the 2014 equivalent of I Wanna Sex U Up is. Let's also set aside the ones that when their names were Googled revealed mugshots, entire blogs devoted to their chicanery or pages upon pages of Don't Date Him Girl dot com misdeeds. Let's talk about the fellas such as these:

Have you met any strong black man on this site? and I notice one thing about this site, that women have very high standards, you have to have a Master degree, a PhD to be a certain height,. there is not a lot of men out there that can meet the qualifications, sometimes I think women are looking for James Bond
a lot of them will be on this site and will never find what they're looking for
because their standards are too high there are more professional women then there are men

Okay then. Let's look past the grammar fails and the overt negativity. Is this how you attract a woman? This is how you come out the gate? This sounds like the re-washed jargon of "relationship experts" who swear that women can't find a "good man" because they over-reach. Le Arrgh. Wouldn't it have been more productive to lead off with some of his positive attributes? And wait - is ANYONE looking for James Bond? Isn't that character well-known for being a martini-swilling womanizer more in love with country, killing and gadgetry than anything else in his life? Moving on...

As a courtesy, BB1 responded to him.

I'm not looking for James Bond but I have a Master’s Degree and so I am looking for someone who is above average intelligence and able to hold a conversation on current topics. I have met other African American males on this site but yet to meet my match. Honestly, I'm over 50, so I don't play games and expect a man to step to me in a real way, thoughts?

So now she's given him an opportunity to tell her something good about himself, right? He can be erudite and share why he's able to step to her with realness. Instead he sends this:

respect that I am 57 years And I do not have the education that you have, I wish you the best and good luck

Make it stop. You all know I hate all of that "swim in your own lane, play your position, know your role, don't be a 2 reaching for an 8" nonsense BUT... If you have an obvious inferiority complex and have been burned or scorned or overlooked by professional education sisters in the past, why are you stepping to? With weak game? Yo no comprendo. Je nais comprends pas. I ont get it, ya'll. Is it just me or should he have kept that to himself and gone on to the next?

Sisters, how would you handle this kind of interaction? Fellas, does bruh-man have a point or nah? Please share....

16 comments:

One Chele said...

People (both men and women) who do this, do so for very selfish reasons. The guy in this instance approached her because there was something he like and wanted but not once did he give any iota of consideration as to fulfilling her wants, needs and desires. If any degree of a relationship or even a casual exchanged would have formed, I'll be the farm that she would have remained unfulfilled.

One Chele said...

I think he wanted to guilt her (or poke some sense of doubt in her) so that he could be the exception to her standard. And what kind of game is that? I would never have responded in the first place.

One Chele said...

The moral here: Don't feed the trolls.
Oh. And trolls are plentiful.

One Chele said...

I would have never responded. If it comes to me, I dismiss it. The grammar alone would have had me moving past his profile. I can't do it and I shan't do it.

One Chele said...

See, the grammar alone would've been an instant delete. I'd be like "You're stoopid. NEXT!"

One Chele said...

Naw! Bruh man doesn't have a point but at least he saved her the time and trouble of meeting his Representative only to discover the real man later. There is virtue in ugly truth.

One Chele said...

He started out with the "you should lower your standards" spiel *because* he knew he couldn't meet hers. Had he succeeded in that, the next thing would have been "give this brotha a chance." She didn't say what he wanted to hear, so he sulked off into the distance, no doubt to try it on the next woman.

One Chele said...

There are too many of these insecure guys - well honestly really people like this out here. These are the kind of people who constantly need reassuring, forever need to be important - more important than the person they share a relationship with. They aren't working on improving themselves, making themselves better or have any issues etc. that they are passionate about but they get upset or try their darndest to prevent or berate people who do. Accepting a relationship with them is a set up for emotional and other kinds of abuse. Whether as a friend, associate or as a lover dismiss these kind of people quickly. They are a waste and a drain on your time and energy. Dude is definitely one of those kind of folks. His insecurities about himself will be to the poor woman he does hook up with like a clinging & strangling vine. I feel sorry for her already.

One Chele said...

Zero tolerance for this kind of bs.

One Chele said...

What ever happened to people connecting as people instead of with their diploma or bank account. I believe there are quite a few women who also can't carry on an intelligent conversation or keep from acting like a character from a reality show.
What about people finding out what they like to do besides being pretentious, materialistic or compensating for their lack of intellect with sex. Don't get me wrong intimacy is high on my list but not if I can't talk to you.

One Chele said...

There are plenty of women in the world who don't "connect with their diplomas or bank accounts" because they don't have either one. You'll notice guy wasn't going for any of them, though. He went to a site that was filled with single professional women because those were *his* standards; he just didn't like that they had standards and expectations of their own.

One Chele said...

Weak men have weak game.
Here endeth the lesson.

One Chele said...

He doesn't rate a response. His original message told me everything I needed to know about him. Delete and keep on truckin'. I feel like we waste a lot of time giving men country, when it would be better spent exercising our fingers on the delete button. I took myself offline because I was meeting many men who were angry that they don't measure up to the standard I've set. And, I mean... sorry but there are so many other women out there to pursue. Maybe aim lower.....

One Chele said...

You read my inbox?!? LOL
I have tried the same approach... respond with what I'm looking for, give the guy a chance to step it up. Hasn't worked for me yet.
Just cancelled my Match subscription, actually. As well as deleting the Tinder app I begrudgingly downloaded. Did go on a good number of dates, but the aggressive words and behavior I encountered wore me down.
I have no doubt there are good men out there, but I am taking a long break from trying to "find" one.

One Chele said...

I am Becky Jones by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail.com, have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks for Dr. Okoro. His email: dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail.com

Dr. OKORO NUMBER: +2348110496023

One Chele said...

This gentleman has issues and this lady is not missing out BUT I will say this... Throughout my life (my mother, grandmother and great grandmother also expressed having similar observations) I've observed that single (never married) women over 40 who look good on paper (attractive, fit, educated, financially sound, etc.) tend to have an unrealistic, uncompromising (often mental) check list of qualities, etc. their mate must possess. They THINK they are willing to compromise but their dating history indicates otherwise... But like a dear friend once said, "smart $&@?!#% know everything."

I do not advocate that women marry men who are unequally yoked, BUT I encourage women to reevaluate their standards... For example, my list required my husband to be tall sexy and attractive... I never actually had a list or said those were my criteria but I never found myself attracted to anyone who wasn't tall sexy and attractive... Thankfully I wasn't too smart for my own good and listened to wisdom... My husband is not tall but he is a provider, protector, loyal, the best lover I've ever had, an amazing hands on father, funny and fun to be around and so many other things that can not quantified or contained in a list... No he's not perfect (extremely messy, abnormal obsession with sports, etc. to name a few, but thats what our housekeeper is for and when I'm not at a sporting event with him I take that time to catch up with my girlfriends or enjoy alone time at the spa,).

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