Thursday, March 13, 2014

Ask a Bougie Chick - Hoodwinked, Bamboozled and Led Astray


I know it's been forever and a day since I answered any of these and I apologize. I do. Life gets in way of well, life sometimes. But this one had me so nonplussed that I had to respond quick, fast and in a hurry. Here we go (buckle your seat belts):
Dear Ms. Chele,
I came across your blog when a buddy of mine submitted a letter about two years back and you gave him some solid advice as well as some tough love. You like to say that when people write in they already know the answer to the question and that's probably the case here but I still need some cosigning. 
I'm Henry, 46 years old, living in the Inland Empire east of Los Angeles. I was married for 15 years been divorced for about nine months. Equal fault divorce, we didn't take care of the relationship and when things got bad we let them slide. I ignored her, she ignored me. Well it was time to walk away even with two kids, a boy (9) and a girl (7) between us. The divorce wasn't too bad. To get it done, we split custody and I caved on alimony and child support but kept the house. The house has been in my family for three generations left to me in my grandparents' will, wasn't giving it up no matter what. Plus we just finished remodeling it..
Four months ago, Andrea told me she was having trouble making rent at her townhouse in Pasadena. I gave her a little extra to get her caught up. Two weeks ago, she said she was being evicted and could she and the kids come stay with me. Everybody said I should tell her that I would take the kids while she got back on her feet but I didn't want to do that to the kids. I said okay everybody could come back for six months but after that, she would have to leave the kids with me if we wasn't back on her feet. She agreed. 
Two weeks ago, they all pulled up and there were two guys with them. I thought they were movers. I gave her the keys and went to work. When I got home, one of the guys was still there. I asked what he was still doing there and he (Curtis) said he lives here now. She brought her new boyfriend to move in. He can't be 30 years old and has moved into my grandmother's house. 
I didn't want to make a scene in front of the kids so I pulled her into the kitchen and told her that he had to go. She said they are engaged and he'll go when she goes in six months. Ms. Chele, I was so mad I had to walk away. Finally I said they had a month and then the two of them had to go. I talked to my attorney and he said I shouldn't have let her back in without getting a new arrangement from the court but that I needed to do that now. My sister said I need to watch out that I don't leave for work, come home and find all the doors changed. Andrea doesn't work and doesn't look like Curtis does either. He works out all the time. Isn't that crazy? The kids don't like him and neither do I.
What would you do if you were me?
Henry 
Wooooosahhhh.... deep breath in. deep breath out.

Henry? Do you mind if I call you Hank because it's about to get personal. You have been hoodwinked, bamboozled and led astray. 

*pausing for church organ riff and for Sister Somebody to cut a step in the aisle of Bougieland waving a lace church hankie*

You say your ex-wife gets alimony and child support but ran through your money even when you gave her extra and then she politely sashayed back with the kids and her boo-thang into the house your beloved grands left you? The hell you say?!

Okay.... Let's first admit to ourselves that you got got. The ex-wifey Andrea done played you like a fiddle. But it happens. Shake it off. Let's also concede that she's probably been seeing Curtis (or someone like him) for more than a minute. She was having trouble making rent because she's flossing and she has Curtis to pay for as well. Pasadena is not cheap and I doubt Curtis is either. Lastly, let's understand that the one thing she did NOT get in the divorce was the house and she wants it. She wants ev-ery-thing. Ev-ery-thing? Ev. Ery. Thang.

You, Hank - are too nice for your own damn good. What would I do? Lemme tell you - Have your attorney file some motions. I'm not a lawyer, I don't know what kind but surely there are some that can work for you in this instance. NEXT - Find a reason to get Andrea and Curtis up out your house for a weekend (like THIS one coming up) and call some movers to pack up and drop off all dey shiggity over to the Extended Stay Spot where you can pre-pay a single room for them for a week. Not a month, not several weeks, one damn week. Hank. It's time to put a little gangsta in these here negotiations. 

It does not sound like Andrea or Curtis are disabled unless we are counting shady and shifty as a legal disability these days. Get a court order. Put them out. Change your locks. Keep your kids, your house and your money where they belong - with you. But what do I know? I'm not a relationship expert, married or shacked up with a buff 20-something. Let me turn it over the crew...

Bougieland... what say you? Please talk to Hank. I am unable...

59 comments:

One Chele said...

The only law degree I have is from years of Law and Order but geesh son get some gangsta in you. You've been paying alimony and child support and she still got evicted? Them sound like grounds for custody. Stop worrying about being nice. Your kids don't like this busta so step in and be the guardian they need. Have your real lawyer file whatever papers are needed and get those moochers out of your house ASAPtually before you end up as the feature on one of those Saturday ID channel marathons and you lose more than your grandmother's house.

One Chele said...

GET THEM SHIFTLESS NEGROS OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! File all the Motions!

One Chele said...

Whaaaaaa? Hell no. Everybody but the children gotta go. Neither of those grown folk work? I can't with this.
*leaves and slams door behind me*

One Chele said...

Imma put this in the "I wish a ninja would" files and roll out.
We got yo kids, yo money, all yo dignity on lock and want the house too?
You let her boytoy spend the night under your grandmama's roof?
Wouldn't be me.

One Chele said...

I done heard a lot of crazy stuff in my days, but this mess here. Wow. I honestly applaud this dude for taking his kids into consideration because i cannot say that if i were in his shoes that i'd have the restraint to pull anyone to the side and have a "wtf is this" conversation. Jesus, Mary, AND Joseph could've been standing there and i still would've turnt up as soon as i walked in the door and saw that man lounging on my couch like he pas bills around there. Please go see your attorney ASAP sir.

One Chele said...

lol @ all he does is work out. She may be trying to flex on you. This sounds like a Tyler Perry movie. IDC if it's Hulk Hogan though. We'd have to fight.

One Chele said...

How does this happen? How do you wake up and found yourself here?

One Chele said...

You cut off your balls, put them in a jar and hand them to your ex. That's how this happens.

One Chele said...

Hank, rediscover your nutsack. And your Negroness.
Yours,
The Bro Coalition

Sorry Chele, I'll let myself out.

One Chele said...

Not a single night.

One Chele said...

Whaaaaat. Henry, they are the predators and you are the prey. She was counting on your on your love and devotion for your children being exactly what she needed to get back into YOUR house. Get to your lawyer right now!!! If you are feeling obligated because of the history and children your share... DON'T. She brought herself and some grown ass man into YOUR home for YOU to take care of because she has no respect or consideration for you.


I LOVE the suggestion of getting the two of them out the house for the weekend and getting all the locks and the security code on that alarm system changed. The most that I would do after they leave is to have that overnight package arrive wherever they are going with the information of where their belongings are which for me would be the closest "first month for $1" storage unit that I could find. Wishing you well!!!!

One Chele said...

"She said they are engaged and he'll go when she goes in six months."


This.Right.Here. How in all of the hells is she telling you what's what? As others have said you are way too nice. And she knows that. I can't think of a single grown woman who would try that otherwise. Get the legal system working. ASAPtually. Every other thing I can think of involves shots fired and possible bloodshed so you probably don't wanna to ask WWGAMD?

One Chele said...

I did my best not to ask when exactly she took possession of his balls but there's, that.

One Chele said...

As they say on Da Twitta.."Say what now??" Lawd, Curtis has found him a place to stay, too. I'm pretty sure he was up in Andrea's townhome laid up like a skrippa/pRon star and not able to contribute monetarily to the household. He contributed...but in other ways. Yeah, playa, play on. I'm trying to understand how in the THEE hell Andrea thought it would be ok for her cub to come live in her ex-husband's home with her and the offspring. Someone help me out, please.
Yes, Hank needs to keep the kids with him and dropkick Andrea and Hank out the front door of his home. Hank was all kinds of nice about letting Andrea and their kids come, but he didn't sign off for extra guests. If anyone needs to exit the premises, it's definitely Curtis. Hank, get him out your house...NOW!

One Chele said...

*snickers*
Not "What Would Grown Azz Man Do" - ha!

One Chele said...

I have been cruising past BnB waiting for something to sink my teeth into. Thank you, Chele!
Henry, c'mon son! You kicked in alimony to the point that she was in Pasadena in a townhome? And then threw in some extra? Unless Andrea caught you making porn tapes with all the Laker girls and some underage kids, you gave up WAAAAYYY too much. And even then, you could have pulled some RKelly Jedi "It wasn't me" mind trick in court.

But what's done is done as far as the settlement goes. At this point, it's not about the money - it's about your damn life and self-respect. How are you living with your ex going cougar down the hall in your heirloom house? I don't understand how one spends a single solitary night like that. IF you don't respect yourself, think of what your kids see when they look at you?

Sorry but you're soft which is fine for you but not for those kids you are raising. As Chele says, find some testicular fortitude and a spine. Everybody without your DNA needs to get the f*** out. Now.

One Chele said...

So many side eyes to pass out today.
To Chele for posting this and setting my temper on boil.
To Andrea who tried it and is getting away with it
To Curtis who is pimpin' everybody
To Henry who could have avoided all of this drama but learning to say "No" or "Not up in here"
SMH.

One Chele said...

Your ex-wife sucks at life & $5 says she was spending her alimony & child support on her young boo that now is sitting in your house playing Xbox all day. Trifling as the day is long. Can't you go to court & at least get him out of your house? And why does she have some new nigga around your kids? Just all kinds of wrong here.

One Chele said...

Cosigning this.

One Chele said...

Cosigning this too

One Chele said...

fist bump to this

One Chele said...

Whatever Andrea got, I don't want.

One Chele said...

I ... I don't don't even know what wrong turn you made that you found yourself in the house with your ex's new boy toy. I do know that mother of your children or not, *nobody* should have come in that door who was not your child without some paperwork being signed and some ground rules laid out in that paperwork.



Now that you're here -- and she's here, and, Lawd, CURTIS is here -- yes, it is time to go back to court. Your custody arrangements need adjusting, because your ex is no longer able to provide a home for them that is not your home. Why? So that when you toss Curtis out on his must-be-cute derriere, Andrea can go with him if she wants to, but she cannot even *think* to threaten to take your children with her. And since the children aren't going with her, why then, there's no need for child support, is there? Hopefully, she and Curtis *will* get married, and then the alimony can stop too.



Think of this as a well-disguised opportunity to get your kids and your money back, and all you have to do is put up with Curtis until you and your lawyer can make it to court. Isn't it nice of Andrea to set things up for you so neatly? You might even give her a parting gift -- maybe some condoms and an appointment date at a nice clinic for STD testing -- as she and Curtis finally take their leave of you and your house and your children.

One Chele said...

See this is what my mama says is someone "mistaking my kindness for a weakness." As a woman, I'm just going to have to tell Henry to stop being nice about it & find his inner gangsta. Ain't no way is it even cool for Andrea to bring a dude up in someone's house like that & think she got it like that. Shoot I won't even let my adult relatives visit for more than a week (except mommy & grandma) without telling them they must feed, clothe & entertain themselves.
Henry, dude, get them fools out your house - keeping the kids, your money, your manhood & your sanity.

One Chele said...

This is how people end up on an episode of "Snapped".

One Chele said...

H to the N-O!

I couldn't believe this one. As the writer so eloquently put it, "You got got!" But it does happen to the best of us, especially when people mistake kindness for weakness. Just reading this letter had me hot! And I am so glad that Henry aka Hank is mature and sensible, because I know some men who would've reacted, how should I put this, STRONGLY. First things first, get custody of the kiddies, because their mom isn't in the right state of mind. Secondly, kick them out asap and change the locks. Lastly, sue HER for child support, which will be the perfect motivation for her and her thug boo to get up and find a job.

One Chele said...

Two straight days of the Boug? What have we done to deserve this?

01) Was Andrea the type that would go for a Curtis-type of person when Hank married her?
02) Did Andrea work during the marriage?
03) Would Hank and Andrea be willing to turn over full custody to Hank (meaning any child support payments would stop), at least until Andrea got her finances back in order?

One Chele said...

Right?!

One Chele said...

I've got nothing to add that hasn't already been said. My only hope is that there is a follow up to this letter so that we can know what happened next.

One Chele said...

"Jesus, Mary, AND Joseph could've been standing there and i still
would've turnt up as soon as i walked in the door and saw that man
lounging on my couch like he pas bills around there." <------- THIS is everythang!!! My kids would have seen me act all the damn fools I could find!

One Chele said...

GAM you already know I'd be illegal just on principle! I wish all the mf's would! WTF???

One Chele said...

"How are you living with your ex going cougar down the hall in your heirloom house?"...I just died!!!


Clay I too thought about how he looks in the eyes of his kids! Not good at all.

One Chele said...

Lawd ta-day!!! My head is spinning! Henry Henry Henry! From the line in Menace to Society, "You know you f***ed up right?"

I won't even attempt to tell you how to get yourself out of this one, because all the quick ways require illegal activity on some level. And you definitely are not the type! How do I know? Because if you were, Andrea would have known better and you wouldn't be writing in about this situation! Seek all the legal advice you can get! I do believe though if you act before 30 days you won't have to officially evict them. But you are definitely headed in the direction of needing to. That's right you will have to evict these negroes from YOUR house if you don't act soon! Awwww Lawd I know Big Mama is turning over in her grave!!!!!!!

HENRY don't.you.not.never do no stupid shit like this AGAIN!!! I don't care if you AND your kids have to drive by Andrea every morning in her cardboard box in an alley. DON'T EVER DO THIS AGAIN!!! She don't give two-fuckeths of a damn about you, your kids or herself! This is the worst bullshit I've heard of yet! And in front of your kids?????? *fights the air*

Let me go I know Chele is already mad about my language, hovering over the delete button and what not! But come on man....

One Chele said...

Wow this is crazy. I can't say anything that has already been said except for to take care of this situaiton. I have cousins who are a testament to being "too nice". I have one cousin that bought a car for his ex-girlfriend, and another who was actually taking care of the ex-wife's child with another man, along with their 2 kids, and his current girlfriend's twins (!!). You have to make sure to get them out of your house bfore they think they can take advantage of you. Even if they do leave after 6 months, they might think they can get whatever they want from you.

One Chele said...

Man Listen! This foolishness would not have occurred but for your lack of a spine. You know this but you need to let that sink in for a minute so it won't be repeated ever again so long as you are blessed to draw breath on this earth. I have a law degree but family law ain't my specialty. Real estate litigation is however. Get down to the court file a dispossessory action immediately calling them a tenant at sufferance. There is nothing in writing so there is no obligation to let them stay any length of time. Tell the judge she omitted the fact that she was bringing in a grown ass man to your house. After they finish laughing, they will order them out. Also, it appears you need to have full custody of the kids and cease that child support. It is taking all I have not to tell you to slap that man and order him out your house (I'd say the woman too but you ain't built for jail). This takes some Texas sized balls.

One Chele said...

trespassing. Plain and simple...

One Chele said...

I closed the browser and opened it again just in case the innanets was playing tricks on me.

Wow. You are a nice dude, Hank. But umm...errr...Imma need you to get in contact with some of your gangsta relations - the ones you don't invite everywhere - and ask them to clean house for you. Just wow.

One Chele said...

And she's using them like click-clacks.

One Chele said...

Or "Scorned".

One Chele said...

Hello Henry!



I'm not going to waste your time or mine by mincing words.


At 46 years of age, you are too damn old for this sort of ignorant, childish a** foolishness. And instead of wasting precious time writing to an internet blog to ask the bleeding da** obvious, why didn't you take your cowardly, spineless a** to a lawyer the day AFTER your ex and her boo moved into your house to begin whatever legal proceedings was necessary to get them out of YOUR house?


Henry, is there any chance that you can remember where it is that you dropped your pride, your dignity and your common sense? Or have you been operating on this frequency of shocking cluelessness for a while now?


As much as I tried to muster some measure of compassion for you, Henry, I realized that my pity and prayers are much better spent and needed for your children who have had the grave misfortune of being born to the most trifling set of parents this side of a reality television show.


Henry, get your dopey a** off of the internet and take control of this situation which you are wholly responsible for. It is well past time for you to show your son and your daughter what a man is supposed to do and be, rather than walking around with your thumbs up your a** hoping that your no-good ex wife is suddenly going to do right by you, the children and herself.


Geez...

One Chele said...

JoycelynC ~ You know that Henry wrote in looking for some free legal advice. O_o

One Chele said...

I know he did and hell his sorry behavior made me just cut to the chase. Hell if it were me, everybody but the kids with no rent money would have to go. I wouldn't need a court cause I would be so damn crazy they would leave for fear I'd kill them in their sleep. The example of manhood he is displaying for his children makes me weep.

One Chele said...

"you ain't built for jail"

Ain't that the truth LOL

One Chele said...

*hollers*

One Chele said...

I was thinking First 48! Because I would have lost all my religion!

One Chele said...

"You got got!" that is what I was thinking allllllll day.

One Chele said...

Henry. You got me in here walking around in circles shadow boxing like this was happening to me. Use the courts to your advantage and get your baby mama and her toy out of your house. I know you were married for 15 years, but your responsibility is to your children. That's it.

Keep your third and fourth eye on those two suckers cause they are slick. I haven't read the other responses but I'm sure there is some good advice down there. Use it.

Good luck, stay strong, stay focused and stay out of jail.

One Chele said...

"She said they are engaged and he'll go when she goes in six months."



RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT is when Henry should have nutted up and settled this situation. Curtis would have got the fuck out. RIGHT THEN. The.fuck.out. Her trying it doesn't mean it should work.

One Chele said...

Welp.

One Chele said...

*stares blinking at the screen with an express that says e_O* What in the entire fu..?!?!?!?!? This CANNOT be for real! One Chele, in the event this is actually real I hope this wasn't sitting in your inbox for long. I seriously can't with this. Hank, thrown them MFers out, call your attorney to get sole custody of the children and stop child support, and go get some therapy for you and your children.

One Chele said...

..........Jah kno............

One Chele said...

Not even two-fuckeths...

One Chele said...

LMAO!!!

One Chele said...

Oh HAYLE no. Nawl. Nope. There is no way.The moment she wanted to move back in, I would have made that contingent upon me getting full custody and restructuring the child support and alimony agreements and a short-term lease specifying ALL of the conditions below:

a. She is a temporary guest, gets no keys, has a curfew, and can have no guests that are not immediate family members
b. No overnight guests
c. Must leave the house everyday when I leave for work and cannot return until I return unless written permission is granted

And I wouldn't even budge on that. And if she got evicted, I would have been right there with the sheriff's department to get custody of my kids and would have my lawyer filming her being an unfit parent that can't keep a roof over her head.

I'm still trying to figure out how you asked ZERO questions about why she's getting evicted if you just gave her a stack of cash? And how you just let someone move into your house without verifying who the stranger danger dudes were. No sir. Now you are stuck and legally, she has established residence. You need to get your lawyer on this asap and document EVERY conversation you have with her via email and text.

Oh, and you a fool if you don't make a video inventory of all your belongings and send a copy to both your insurance company and your lawyer. And remove everything over $200 from the house.

One Chele said...

LOL!!! this will most DEFINITELY end in having to evict them...i could be wrong, but i swear him letting them stay for even a month gives them tenancy...n on what grounds will he evict them? can't be non-payment of rent when rent wasn't established. he shoulda put them out "immeejetly" when curtis said, "i live here, now"...side note, i HOWLED at that part!


btw, his fault in the marriage was most likely "not nuttin up!" she didn't get this bold in the last 9 months! she got there over a decade n a half married to mr. hanky. all. utter foolishness!

One Chele said...

You aren't the only one. I need closure!

One Chele said...

So yes I have come back and Adjusted Sails you are killin me! LOL!!!

One Chele said...

The replies are hilarious

One Chele said...

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