Monday, November 11, 2013

DWG: Dating While Grown - Driving and Riding Shotgun

A mild ranty-pontification this morning if I may...

There's kicking it for laughs, there's cuddling for cocoa, there's dating and there's Dating While Grown. Dating While Grown is serious business and it starts with the tenuous premise that both people in the DWG situation are really and truly grown. But I'll leave that debate ("How do you define GROWN?") for another day.

This thing about Dating While Grown is that there are certain challenges one has to anticipate from jump beyond the regular challenges of dating. The one I'd like to speak on today involves control. And of course, I must use the car metaphor to do it.

I've been chatting with some of the grown and dating and this particular set of growing pains seem to pop up regularly. The conundrum lies in one party (usually the man, sorry fellas) wanting a together, responsible, pays-her-own-bills, got-her-own-stuff, knows-her-own-mind woman to immediately allow them to take the relationship lead.

I have, on more occasions than I can count, been accused of not allowing a man to "drive the car" if you will. On some occasions that is most assuredly true. But here's my issue (staying with the car theme) - if you want a partner who not only picked out her own car, but takes care of it, drives it, knows how to navigate it, get where she's going and get back home safely... do you really think it to be easy for her to hand over the keys and say, "Here you go. Take us wherever you want."

You have got to give someone a minute to ascertain that you know how to drive this particular vehicle. You have to reassure them that you know how to navigate. No one wants to get into the car and drive in circles for hours. Ya'll don't hear me though. Ask. For. Directions. Fellas. I'm begging you. In real life and in this analogy, quit pretending that you know where you're going when you're as lost as Frosty the Snowman in Hell. 

Even more irksome than driving in circles and not having a clue where you are heading is to climb into a care where someone is reckless as all the damns. Speeding on icy roads, swerving unnecessarily, spastic breaking, you know what I'm talking about. Starts out find and then you're fishtailing towards a cliff. No. Thank. You.

My last DWG relationship was deceptively easy. We climbed into the car, drove it arond the block a few times and I offered some side-seat advice every now and then. When we got comfortable, we headed out onto the highway and opened it up. Our bad, neither of us discussed what the destination was going to be. I assumed we both wanted to head in the same direction, he assumed we'd just stop somewhere and decide if we both like it when we got there. Oops. This caused him to slam on the brakes (in the middle of the road) and flee down the highway on foot only to later realize he kinda liked the ride. Umm-hmm. Different topic. Moving on...

I was talking to another girl of mine whose new man had an opinion on everything. What she should wear, eat, take for a cold, listen to in the car, and so forth. When she assured him that she was able to dress, feed, medicate and entertain herself, he felt insulted. She felt crowded. One of my brethren indicated that he felt his woman didn't trust him to make a simple decision and therefore they could never get their relationship car out of the garage.

I get it. I do. Grown men like to run things. That's awesome. Grown women are used to running their own things. Awesome as well. But at some point, only one person needs to steer at a time. I say talk about it. Discuss it. Who drives better, who navigates better, lay out a clear destination plan before you get in the car. Now that I've worn this analogy out, I turn it over to you, BnB..

What to do when everyone wants to drive and your GPS is broken? How do you all work out the navigation of relationships? Do share...

30 comments:

One Chele said...

I JUST had this discussion on Saturday...while he was literally (and figuratively) driving. Because he's younger and I don't like gray, I had to make sure we were on the same path.
Also, quit acting like you know my life, Chele! I was all set to discuss this sometime this week! Now I gotta find something else!

One Chele said...

So now you're just going to speak my life?

I've got to go to work and hold it down and carry the torch and then come home and pretend I do no such thing?
It's hard out here.

One Chele said...

Well I had several conversations about the destination and the route to get there. At the end of the day he had his own route in mind which included driving like a speed demon to get there. (Literally on a trip to Dallas this fool drove like he was in pursuit! Telling me to sit back and relax he knows how to drive.)

One Chele said...

"I've got to go to work and hold it down and carry the torch and then come home and pretend I do no such thing?" <-----THIS!!!


And when I tell you that you can't take care of me (don't remember the context of the conversation), you go and buy me a cell phone and set up a bill for you to pay. :-/

One Chele said...

*Nodding* Somebody does

One Chele said...

The legal rights are kinda the whole ball game now.

One Chele said...

Dude told me likes a strong woman who can take of herself, is smart and financially stable. I said but you also want her to turn over total control to you, the two don't mix that's a contradiction.

In line with the analogy, we need to take a few trips (successful ones) here and there before I can just sit back relax and let you take the wheel. And even then I have a right to ask where we're going, how we're getting there, and watch out for that truck!

One Chele said...

Two cars. I will happily follow you to our pre-determined destination, I will give you roadside assistance (and accept it, should I need it) and we come home to the same two-car garage at the end of the day, but I need a life separate from yours. I need my own car. Nobody's going to know its quirks and drive it as carefully as I do, because I'm the only one who doesn't get to walk away from it when the person I handed the keys to wrecks it.

One Chele said...

Not interested in taking two cars and not interested in driving (I have to run ish at work-NOT interested in doing it at home). HENCE why I extremely cautious about whose car I get into.

One Chele said...

The fact that you didn't like the first one and I absolutely LOVED it lets me know that this sequel will excede my expectations. I have been anxiously awaiting this movie. And I purchased my ticket for Friday (after deciding to let go of trying to see an advanced screening). I haven't heard ANYONE say a bad thing about this film, men or women. So I think it's safe to say Malcolm has a winner on his hands again...and I am here for ALL of it!

One Chele said...

Like you, I wasn't too fond of the first one. After reading your review, I am looking forward to catching the sequel.

One Chele said...

THIS!

One Chele said...

My Meetup group is going to see this movie this weekend, I can't wait.


The first movie came out when I was in high school & I loved it...and then I watched it again recently & realized how much of an "aint shit" movie the entire thing is (and then I proceeded to break down why said movie aint shit on Twitter, that was hilarious). Seriously it was just a hot mess - folks cheating, habitual indiscretions with groupies, lining up sexual relations with a man you know has a GF, etc. Just a damn mess all around. So here's hoping this one is better than that...

One Chele said...

I saw it, the Best Man Holiday and loved it; I laughed and I cried. Sometimes it seemed more of a comedy with some depth thrown in. But it was good.

One Chele said...

i saw it last night....and i completely cosign this post!

One Chele said...

Can't wait to see this!!! I LOVED the first one. So much so that my cousin and I can literally recite most of the lines. If I loved the first one, then I know this one will be fantastic too. Thanks for the review!

One Chele said...

I am SO looking forward to this movie. Thanks for the review.

One Chele said...

So glad to hear it's better than the first one :)

One Chele said...

My LIFE! I just refuse. I know how to drive, like driving, and can read a map. Let's share the wheel shall we?

One Chele said...

I don't mind him driving after I trust him to be considerate about the stops I want to make too and we have discussed in detail the ultimate destination and agreed upon where we are going. Other than that, I will get there in my own damned car. Really don't understand why men don't get that a) I gotta know I can trust you with my dreams and hopes b) can't be selfish looking at your own dreams and plotting a destination for you only c) we gotta agree as to where in the heck we are going or it is time for me to drop and roll out the side door d) I am on this planet with a purpose of my own; I will not forgo that for you e) I got a right to voice my opinion and I am going to - this is my life too ya dig? f) if this ride goes crazy or we are lost I have the right and obligation as your partner to pull the emergency break and stop this mess so we can re-group. Until I meet a guy that gets that, I am riding solo ... I am good until I meet the guy who gets at least most of the above. This I am the man so I automatically get to drive and you are obligated to trust me implicitly and sit in the passenger seat and deal ish is for some other chick. None of that is for me

One Chele said...

It was pretty good.

One Chele said...

Saw it tonight. Loved it. Plan to see it again. Plan to add it to my collection when it comes out on DVD.

One Chele said...

Went to see it today. Absolutely loved it. Your review was on point. I'm going to see it again, and cannot wait for the DVD.

One Chele said...

saw it yesterday and absolutely LOVED! IT! i loved the first one too, but they came with it in holiday. i avoided reading reviews until after i saw the movie b/c i wanted to go in and view with my "own eyes". i do wish i had read one review then i would have been prepared for the many tears i shed. i went out right after the movie and got the sound track. anthony and marsha did the darn thing on As (on repeat right now). cannot wait for the dvd.....

One Chele said...

Your review is spot on! I saw it and absolutely loved it. It's as if the writer matured along with his characters. I just wish someone had told me and half the audience that we would need some Kleenex.

One Chele said...

I loved this movie! I went in with mild expectations because sometimes sequels suck compared to the original, especially one released well over a decade later. But it was so good! I laughed and cried way more than I expected to...

One Chele said...

I so enjoyed this movie that I'm planning on seeing it again. I may be better than the first!

One Chele said...

Actually I was the exact opposite. I thought this movie was really contrived, but then I never like sequels of any movie. I felt like this Best Man was also a big set up for a third movie toward the end, so I was totally unsurprised at the recent announcement that this will be a trilogy. The original movie was such a breath of fresh air in a time when most black movies had characters with no complexity--so it will always be a favorite.

I was entertained with this movie but it cannot touch Love Jones and the first Best Man. But who knows, they may keep this scenario going and do a string of movies Maybe they can do a Best Man 4 where the kids grow up and are all friends in college.

I don't want to sound like a hater because I'm happy about the film's success.

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One Chele said...

I actually enjoyed reading through this posting. Many
thanks.

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