Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Why aren't you maximizing your P-power?


I met Jayme and a friend of hers that we'll call Terry for cocktails one day last week. Jayme has shared many a story about Terry over the years. Terry has been married three times and in between her marriages, she has what she refers to as "sponsors" - yes, you read that right. Terry, a drop dead gorgeous 52 year old woman who looks not a day over thirty refers to her male companions as sponsors.

Welp.

When we met, she laughed and said she was so pleased to meet the other side of the coin. I asked her what she meant. She said that she was Jayme's over-the-top outrageous not-to-be-redeemed friend and I was the saintly one. Hearing this caused me to choke on my Godiva martini. Never in any of my years of living had I been referred to as saintly. And deservedly not.

I started to protest and she shut me down. She didn't say it to be mean, she explained. It was just that compared to the life she had chosen and the way she conducted herself, I was a bit of a goody two shoes.

I didn't like that any better. My problem, she went on to explain, was that I did not believe in maximizing my p**** power. I had to set the martini glass down. 

"I didn't realize I had a problem."

"Do you work to pay your own bills?"

"Well yes."

"You're doing it wrong. A woman who looks like you or even a facsimile of you should never pay her own bills. That is what men are for."

Mouth dropped open. "Oh."

"You only sleep with men that you're in love with or think you might be in love with."

I scanned my mental "did and done" list to see if she was correct but she interrupted my thinking.

"It's great to be in love, it really is. But it's better to love what a man can do for you. All this independent woman stuff is great but it's easier to be independent with someone else's money in the bank. As a woman, all you need is for a man to be so into how you make him feel that he'll give you the world to keep feeling like that. Once he gives you the world, it's yours. That's p**** power."

I had to play that back in my mind. I squinted. How did that work?

Jayme shook her head, "I've known Terry for forty years and no matter how many times I explain that her theory is lacking in moral fiber and she's setting the sisterhood back, she soldiers on."

Terry rolled  her eyes. "Did you two just get back from the Maldives? Are you two headed to Monaco next week? Am I the only one who hasn't checked her voicemail or email since we've been here? And before you say it, yes - I have a man waiting for me to get home tonight. I'm telling you sister, you're doing it wrong."

"May I be frank?" I asked.

"Sure girl. Whatever."

"Sounds a little bit like high-class hoedom."

"Only if you choose to see it that way. I'm in a relationship with someone I care about who cares for me. Part of him caring for me is providing for me. What's wrong with that? In fact, it's not that different from what you do. You date men of means, you expect certain things from them. You just legitimize yours by putting a love stamp on it. "

I opened my mouth and shut it. Jayme patted my hand. "She has the uncanny ability to make you doubt yourself and wonder if she hasn't stumbled onto something. To which I say, it takes a certain kind of person to do what she does. It's not for everybody."

After that we chatted about nonsense for a while and then went our separate ways. I thought about it. I really did. Could I become the sort of person who bartered relationships for goods, services, bank accounts and vacations? Could I be the person who handed someone my bills and expected them to get paid, just cause? Am I really doing it wrong?

Don't get me wrong, I do not hate the idea of someone else cutting checks for all of this bougie wonderland I've got going over here. But the minute they expect or ask me to do something I don't care to in exchange for that? It's a wrap. I believe for now, I'll keep my p-power on mid-range rather than full stun... O__o

BougieLand, what say you? Fellas, could/would/have you entered into a strictly pay for play relationship? Ladies, could/should/would you do it? And feel okay it? Why or why not?

69 comments:

thinklikeRiley said...

Ain't nuttin' bougie about passing out the punanny for paychecks!
Riley ont e'en play dat.
And look here, ain't that much difference between a Walmart Hoe and a Neiman-Marcus hoe except the labels.
*drops mic*

thinklikeRiley said...

BTW - what zactly would p-power on full stun entail?!?!
Inquiring minds and ish...

daisy said...

I need a reason to use "high-class hoedom" in a sentence.
Yeah, bless Terry and I can't hate her game.
It's not for me.

TrulyPC said...

I have never been that person. There has to be a relationship for me to even care to offer up the "p-power". No matter the rationalization I couldn't do it. Why? "the minute they expect or ask me to do something I don't care to in exchange for that? It's a wrap."

Grace said...

she seems happy but it sounds kind of empty to me. I mean can Maldives and Monaco really make up for that long-term sense of partnership? How long can she keep up appearances to get the kind of man she needs to sustain that lifestyle?

CaliGirlED said...

"And look here, ain't that much difference between a Walmart Hoe and a Neiman-Marcus hoe except the labels."....Welp!

Think P. Smart said...

I have no problems with what she's doing. Absolutely none. It's not for me but I'm not going to wag a finger at her. Women are giving away their entire souls in the search of love and left with nothing to show for it--certainly not love. So why not set down ground rules that ensure you get something tangible? This woman seems very prepared to deal with the consequences (bad and GOOD) of her actions. She's found men who are OK playing their role. Seems like a win-win. Further, this isn't a new hustle.

Think P. Smart said...

HA! She has relationships. It's just that they are business relationships.

Fleur DeLissy said...

It's one thing to have bills paid by your man because that's what he wants to do. It's another to make it a requirement for affection. If it works for her, then more power to her (no pun intended). But I'm not that chick. I need a bit more substance.

Fleur DeLissy said...

#DEAD

GrownAzzMan said...

Terry's theory ain't for everybody. I have yet to meet the woman that is so fine I would pay her bills. And I've been a lot of places and seen a lot of things. No.

GrownAzzMan said...

Yeah, I caught that too...

CaliGirlED said...

Oh Lord of hosts!!! No I'm not shocked by Terry. I know she exists, hell I know a few Terry's myself. Not for the kid! Always on the prowl for a new man to take up where the old man left off, in and of itself would drive me crazy! I've stopped asking for money and permission to do and buy things over 25 years ago. If my personal recession and the country's recession didn't make me turn my P-power into dollars, 1st class traveling and Neiman Marcus labels won't either!

In closing, "Don't get me wrong, I do not hate the idea of someone else cutting checks for all of this bougie wonderland I've got going over here. But the minute they expect or ask me to do something I don't care to in exchange for that? It's a wrap."

Earthangel172 said...

Personally, I couldn't do it and feel okay with it. There's has to be a connection on so many levels for me to have sex with someone. And I'm not expecting to be "cared for" financially afterwards either! I hate it when people try to criticize others for having standards to legitimize what they're doing. Pussy power is just glorified whoredom and I'm not here for it. I'm also not here for Terry trying to convince herself that she's happy with her life either. Seen and heard that one before so "Girl bye!"

Leon X said...

Do I have to explain that Maximizing P-Power is just a euphemism? No? Thanks guys. You're amazing as always.

Earthangel172 said...

"I have yet to meet the woman that is so fine I would pay her bills"

This!

Not to get off topic but I have yet to meet a man and have been so in love with him to want to pay his bills but I know plenty of women who do. Boggles my mind.

CaliGirlED said...

Read the first sentence as I could do it and feel okay with it. O_O WHAT??? Then I re-read it! *hollers*

Earthangel172 said...

LMAO!!


As much as I love to travel and shop til I drop, my conscience would bother me in the end.

Think P. Smart said...

Came back to add that as much as it's about the woman, it's also about the men. I know a woman who does this. I have known her very well for decades. The keys are:

1) She only comes in contact with men who can afford to provide for the woman they date (and marry), and expect to do so. The money isn't an issue because they have it to spare. They are with her for the experience. She is a delight. These men take pride in being able to provide for her without blinking.

2) She is, by all accounts, a selfish woman. She, unlike so many women, lives her life asking one question, "What's in it for me?" Women aren't really taught that. We're taught to give and give and give hoping we're rewarded with love or at least consistency.

And she is happy. I have seen her unhappy. Has she been in love? Yes--dangerously so. She was no happier or sadder in love than in these business relationships.

datdudeincali said...

I'm not judging her. If she finds men whoa re down for that, good for her.
It won't be me. I won't be an ATM for a woman, I don't care how fine she is or what her p-power proficiency is. Now, if we are together and you are struggling, I'll help out. I won't carry you but I'll help out. That's about as far as I can go.

kiesh said...

I have so many mixed thoughts about this. I'm just not into material things enough to do crazy ish to get them. In this day and age having man do for you is nice, but you can't rely on that, especially if it's just random men you're dating and not your husband. On the other hand, I'm not mad at her or think it's some moral issue either. Men tell women that 90 day rules are stupid and they should sleep with them on the first night so I don't have a problem with a woman like that doing it for her own reasons. It seems like we've been taught that women women use their sexuality to their benefit - whether it's just to get their rocks off or material things- it's somehow immoral, ho-ish, etc. When it benefits men it's cool though. Either way, do you, boo.

David Chase said...

There's nothing I could say that won't get me run over by a purple mercedes in a parking lot. As a matter of fact, I've already said too much.

Think P. Smart said...

All of this.

Reggie Beasley said...

I have a female friend who has told me stories that belong on reality TV shows about how guys take care of her. To this day I don't know how she supports herself, yet she has traveled more than many ball players. I have another person who is my best female friend's best friend, and she has her p-power on full tilt! How do you afford to live in NYC with no real job? How do you relationship jump from ball player to actor to rapper?

That being said, almost every woman wants to be Terry, but with a rock on their finger. Who doesn't dream about maxing out AMEX Black cards and never having to lift a finger? One overriding theme I get from my female friends is they want a man who, if they lost their job, can carry them. Any self-respecting man would gladly do that for the woman they love if they have the means. But my friends all feel the need to pull their weight and bring something to the table, whether financially or accomplishment-wise. Terry wants that man to carry her without giving anything back into the relationship but "p-power." What kind of acrobatics is she doing that makes it worth trading cocoa for cash for the guy?

Amazingly enough, I think Terry is justified in doing what she does, because that is her reality, and she believes in it enough to make the universe bend to her vision. AND she has found the men who allow her to live that life. More power to her. I truly believe that if you have a laser-focus on your vision, you can make it happen. But I wonder if Terry was crushed by a former flame, and she is taking it out on every next dude possible.

CaliGirlED said...

P-power proficiency??? *hollers*

OneChele said...

I have to press pause at "Every woman wants to be Terry but with a rock on their finger" - that's just not true. Believe me, I've been offered that opportunity and turned it down. I don't mind lifting a finger. In fact, I cannot think of a happy reality in which I did nothing but shop, travel and go to the gym all day. I will always have some flavor of career and will always bring in my own $$$. Maybe that's just me.

JaymeC said...

As one who's known Terry since middle school, she doesn't fit into the normal buckets. She had two great parents, no one broke her heart, she didn't have a lot of struggle in her childhood. She doesn't hate men. Her first "real" relationship was with an older man who wanted to pamper her and take care of her and that's what she became accustomed to. It absolutely never occurred to her to be any other kind of way. And she always seems to find men how are more than happy with the arrangement.



I couldn't do it. It frustrates me to no end that she's good with it but there it is.

JaymeC said...

In fact, I think women would rather be Michelle Obama than Terry.

blackprofessor said...

Not even Kerry Washington???

Annette Kendall said...

It's not just you. When I married John, he asked if I wanted to quit working and I was like - to do what? Don't get me wrong, I like having the option. Especially when we have kids. I'm extraordinarily blessed to have a man who can provide that stability. I like going to work knowing if it gets on my last good nerve, I could bail and decide to open a flower shop or something. But I'm not here to ride my husband's coattails. Not judging those that do. But what was all my education, career struggle about? Just getting in position to find the right guy? I got invited to the right barbecue, I didn't need an MBA for that. Let me get off the soapbox.
I agree Chele.

Brownbelle said...

Completely agree. And I have a similar attitude to Terry in that a man who can't do anything for me is not worth my time. People like to pretend that love is completely about the warm & fuzzies but in a healthy, functional relationship, there is an exchange of good/services (tangible or intangible) that the parties value equally. It's irrational to have a relationship that doesn't leave you better off than you were alone.

Nandie said...

'Sponsoring' is a common concept in my country. Over there, women like Terry are the norm and not the exception. I wouldn't be comfortable with that arrangement, but to each his own.

blackprofessor said...

Bless her heart but I wouldn't want to be Terry or her sponsors.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Eh, I could do it, but not for long. Simply because I have defined myself by MY accomplishments for so long, that I would have a major crisis of identity if I was just "somebody's woman." I'm a functioning adult, with a nice job, and post-baccalaureate education, so I don't "need" anyone to handle things at Casa JaT. However, it would be nice to have someone else carry things for a while.

I am not mad at Terry at all. She is living a life that works for her. The men are not complaining about it, and both parties are enjoying themselves. The expectations of both parties are being met. Anyone outside of the relationship, or who cannot/will not meet said expectations, should not get his panties in a bunch about what other grown people are doing.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

THIS.

blackprofessor said...

it's also about the men - I agree with this wholeheartedly! I think the Terry's of the world can only run their game with a certain type of man. From what I have seen, those aren't the dudes I am checking for.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

*drops $$$ in the offering plate*

Think P. Smart said...

Are the woman I know running a game? I don't think so. They're not hiding their expectations from these men. These men are not victims and are gleefully paying to play.

digal704 said...

There is a saying that women are "sitting on a goldmine"! I guess Terry proves it to be true. How many more miles she got tho? 52 ain't no spring chicken. I hope she has put some money away. I'm with you, it does sound like "high class hoedom". Whatever works tho.

OneChele said...

_/ <~~ have one of these. immediately.

Angelle said...

So basically Terry is a prostitute...

blackprofessor said...

I don't mean a game as in the men have no idea what is happening. They are both active players in this enterprise. My point was that my target audience doesn't include men down with these types of relationships, but each to his own.

Bryan Anthony said...

I was waiting for you to smack him down.

Bryan Anthony said...

I'm not that guy. Maybe I'm naive but I like to put a ring on it if I'm "sponsoring" it. And I sponsor for life - til death do us part and whatnot. There's no this one and then that one. It's a one-time only deal. But I'm not judging. If Terry likes it, I love it.

CCDreamz said...

Why does it frustrate you? There is a pot for every lid. There are men that like spoiling their SOs be they men or women so they need counterparts to appreciate being spoiled. She's happy and they are happy. I say kudos to her for finding the right men for her. So many people struggle with finding their mate.

Bailey said...

After reading the title, I was so nervous about what this was going to be about. I feel bad for Terry, it seems her happiness is defined by things. Great for now but when she's 65, 75, 85? Then what?

JaymeC said...

I guess I'm just an old school romantic traditional. I like the idea that people are in life-long happily ever after and I'm not sure she'll have that in the long run.

Whitney said...

Will you say that again? Puullleeaasseeee!

tiffanyinhouston said...

My thoughts exactly. There is only so much plastic surgery can do..at some point it's all going to sag down to your navel. Then what? The sponsors move on to the younger-than-Terry. But whatever works I guess.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

O_O .... so...um, yea.....she's 52 and isn't going to change, so I'll flash a "Do you!" with a Colgate smile, and keep it moving.


I'm not one for the sponsor life, though. Mm-mm. Not my calling.

Whitney said...

Terry, at 52 your looks or ability to perform for a man will start to fade. That's not judging, it's the truth. Are the relationships you develop with these men worthy of having when you are no longer able to perform for your bills? Will they be able to be a companion for you as you get older? Please tell me you are thinking about the future while you are out there getting your bills paid for your punanny, because there is no retirement plan for hoedom...just saying. Or, maybe a reality show for "Retired Housewives" will air in the near future.

Shondriette said...

"Oh, Lord of hosts!!!" made me cackle. You are a nut! #ThatIsAll

GrownAzzMan said...

Nope. I want to be Kerry's kept man, not the other way around...LOL

GrownAzzMan said...

P-power proficiency...The 3P's

GrownAzzMan said...

When the lease is up in a few years they will move on to the newer flashier model and Terry will be on the Certified Per-Owned lot hoping that someone who can't quite afford the new model will give her a test drive.

Ivory Tabb said...

Chicks is out here stirring cocoa for a 6 piece happy meal and putting a relationship tag on it to make them feel better about themselves. This life isn't for everyone but how many woman go to sleep at night asking for a man who can barely provide for them but is madly in love with them?

SingLikeSassy said...

I got married for love and look how that turned out? If she likes it I love it. *shrug*

OneChele said...

Real House Husbands of Santa Monica - I see it already ;-)

CaliGirlED said...

Chele I had to come back and say that picture is EVERYTHING! LMAO!!!

blackprofessor said...

I was wondering why her three marriages failed unless there has been a death. You have kind of alluded to it in this statement but I am inferring that this type of arrangement doesn't work long-term.

CaliGirlED said...

Thanks Chele! We are not ALL wanting to be Terry. Have no doubt that if that was my vision I could make it happen. I'm not willing to be a housewife, househo, housefriend, whatever term you want to put on it. Have to contribute to the team and I'm not domestic enough to stay home to cook and clean everyday!

CaliGirlED said...

"When I married John, he asked if I wanted to quit working and I was like - to do what?"...Reason #157 why I love BougieLand!

"But what was all my education, career struggle about? Just getting in position to find the right guy? I got invited to the right barbecue, I didn't need an MBA for that."...Reason #158!

CaliGirlED said...

YASSSS!!!

CaliGirlED said...

"Certified Pre-Owned lot"...I just died!!!

Naena said...

I couldn't do it...I'm a hopeless romantic. I hope Terry is putting away some of that "sponsorship" money away in a 401k or IRA because last I checked "high class hoedom" doesn't come with a retirement plan...

Reggie Beasley said...

1) I said "almost every" not "every."


2) Maybe I was wrong in thinking that people would focus on the whole paragraph instead of picking and choosing what to focus on. I stand behind my entire paragraph, from women wishing to be pampered when married, to the fact that my female friends ultimately wouldn't want that to be their entire life.


3) Hard day at work… meetings, deadlines, office politics… running the treadmill of bills, taxes, debt… And you don't dream about having that all washed away? But I'm sure that if you had a clean slate and didn't have to worry about making money, the beautiful, wonderful, bougie people (not just women) reading this blog would pursue their passions and come up with incredible projects, charities, start-ups, etc., that would continue to use all the knowledge and expertise you have acquired… which is EXACTLY the life Michelle Obama has.

mojitochica said...

It ain't my thang; however, I won't knock those that into that sort of thing.

Drae said...

like Riley basically said...No good is no good no matter how you dress it up...Call it a state of mind of whatever helps you sleep at night, but at the end of the day you tricken. I don't agree with her "tactic" by any means. I say tactic because she is plotting and planning her own self sustaining lifestyle by using someone else s means. Nothing wrong with wondering what a person can bring to the table/relationship, but if your main focus is the end game and not the growth that should be shared; well then my friend you have already lost.

One Chele said...

Hmmm...I don't know. Where I am from a truly bad bitch gets money, trips, and shopping trips without giving up the draws. *shrugs*

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