Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Good Man or Sponsor?


After yesterday's chat about Terry, I had not one but five guys ask a variation of the same question: If you are taking a woman on trips, helping with her bills and buying her things, does that make you a good man or a sponsor?

My first thought was - where are this men? Do you hold meetings regularly? Is there a mailing list? Oh. Sorry... let's continue.

My answer to each of them is the same - if you stopped doing all of that stuff tomorrow would she still be with you? IF the answer is yes, then she considers you a good man. IF the answer is no, she considers you a sponsor. This is why you will notice folks who stick with the girl they were with when they were on the struggle coming up. If she loves you when you're down - it's all good when you're up.

Reverse this for a moment. IF a woman is dropping full-stun p-power on you and you are giving her all these things in apparent appreciation is she a good woman with stellar bed game or something else? Depends on what you continue to do when the legs close. Are you the dude who stays all night for marathon cocoa but can't spend two minutes for quiet conversation over cereal? Or are you the one who comes over with soup and Kleenex when you find out she's sick?

I think we've given up trying to define what a "good man" or "good woman" is since it is so subjective. Once you get beyond the basics of pleasant personality and striving to live by basic Golden Ruleness - that "good" description means different things to different people.

But I think we can agree that the difference between a romantic relationship and a business relationship is the deliberate inclusion of power, goods, services and quid-pro-quo-ness to the exclusion of the romance. Yes, I'm aware quid-pro-quo-ness is not a word but you get my point.

I hate to draw a direct parallel between money and sex. But let's face it, these are commodities. A man who closes his wallet will soon see who is truly there for him. A woman who closes her legs will find out the same. Am I wrong? BougieLand, it's on you - how can a (wo)man tell if (s)he's being appreciated or used? Do share...

23 comments:

CaliGirldED said...

"A man who closes his wallet will soon see who is truly there for him. A woman who closes her legs will find out the same."...Nuff said!

CaliGirlED said...

"A man who closes his wallet will soon see who is truly there for him. A woman who closes her legs will find out the same."....Nuff said!

Reggie Beasley said...

If you are not getting equal value back from the other person, however you define equal value, you are being used. If trips, gifts & relief is the baseline for your relationship, you're being used. If she gets upset because you are chasing that last dollar instead of spending quality time with her, you are appreciated. If she comes out of pocket because "it's my turn," you are appreciated.

Reggie Beasley said...

BTW, it sucks that googling "Where Is The Love?" turns up the Black Eyed Peas first instead of Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway.

blackprofessor said...

One simply needs to discern their SO's character, which isn't linked to beauty or wealth. Good character is as good character does.

CaliGirlED said...

Blasphemy!

Bailey said...

I'm slayed: "A man who closes his wallet will soon see who is truly there for him. A woman who closes her legs will find out the same."

Moni said...

For me, it's all about motivation. Are you doing those things because you care about the person or because you're "paying" for whatever you want to receive from them (cocoa, sponsorship, stability, companionship, etc)? Ideally, both people are giving because they genuinely care about the other person and want to please them, not because they're seeking something in return.

Earthangel172 said...

This!

GrownAzzMan said...

"A man who closes his wallet will soon see who is truly there for him. A woman who closes her legs will find out the same."



Is that too much for a T-shirt?

CaliGirlED said...

Nawl! I'll take mine in size large, in ALL of the colors! (But especially red! *snickers*)

SingLikeSassy said...

This is why I tend to keep the nickel between my knees until I know why a dude is really hanging out. Is it ME and my company or the P? And despite my cynical (bitter?) response to yesterday's post I have never used a guy for money or had a sponsor. I am way too emotionally driven for that to work. I will love love until the day I die.

kiesh said...

People be thinking too much. If the two people in the relationship/arrangement are both satisfied it doesn't matter what you call it/her/him.

thinklikeRiley said...

Folks still outchea falling into ish without knowing what it is, huh?
Be upfront about yours. "I'm in this for you" or "I'm not bout that relationship life right now, if you're cool we can do this"
How hard is dat?

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

I just hate using people and being a leach. =/

Jason P said...

fellas are out here paying bills in 2013? On cocoa and a smile?
Oh

tiffanyinhouston said...

There is no free lunch, ever. A dude pays a bill, eventually he's going to want something in exchange. I can't let anyone have that kind of control over me. What is that saying in the Bible: "a borrower is a slave to the lender"..well adapt it as needed to fit this scenario. Yeah, no.

Trey Charles said...

This.

Trey Charles said...

And this.

Grace said...

That last paragraph is the realest...

Grace said...

bumper sticker for sure.

Bougie Girl said...

This post is spot on.

Drae said...

Ive been in Relationships of convenience and its the "means to an end" type of commitment. I had no feelings beyond mutual affection and respect for the person and what they did for me as well as what I tried to do for her. But make no mistake if she decided to leave I would not have lost any sleep over her. My heart was never in it to that degree. Since my heart was not in it I was not prone to do things that showed I "loved" her instead i did things that showed I appreciated her. Big difference between the two. And when someone does catch feelings and the other one is not on the same page that is when someone gets upset and feels like they have wasted time.

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