Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Ask a Bougie Chick - Once more...


Once more for those who haven't let this sink in: Mother Maya tells us "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Put it on a post-it note, etch it on your mirror, lock it and load it.

Our letter from a 31 year old lady in Silver Springs, MD.
Hey Chele, 
Love the blog. I think I know what you're going to say but I want to ask anyway. I've been living with this guy for six years and I really want to get married. I've been telling his this for the past four years. His answer is always the same. "I'm sorry, I love you but I'm not ready." Over Thanksgiving, I brought it up again and he said when he was ready to talk about it, he would bring it up. And I asked what if that wasn't enough for me. He said, "You gotta do what you gotta do." 
So now I'm backed into a corner right? Does this mean he's never going to marry me?  I really love him and I don't want to throw what we have away. What what you do?
A Sister in Silver Springs.
Hey Sister,
I feel like I answered this letter before. But even if I did, I guess it's worth saying again:

If you want to get married sometime this decade, you may want to pack your ish and go. For reals. I don't know what you heard but what your man said was: I'm not marrying you, if you don't like it, you can bounce.  he added in the "I love you" to soften the blow. 

Please ask yourself - what's so great about him, what do you love that you don't think you can find elsewhere or is it really a case of not wanting to start over with someone new? Which I get. I totally get there. Starting over is freaking exhausting and irritating and sometimes you'd rather cut your wrist slowly with a dull butter knife rather than go out on another damn first date... oh. Wait. I'm projecting. Back to you...

It's been six years, Sis. He ain't broken out the ring yet. I'm not saying it's not going to happen, I'm saying what's his incentive to do so? You keep hanging in no matter what. If you want to get married, you have to state it plain. He comes back with the yada-bull-yada, you have to be ready to walk or be ready to live without the Mrs. in front of your name. Simple to say, hard to do.

Good luck and tell us how it works out... though I suspect we know.

BougieLand, advice for Sister? Fellas - if he's six years in with no ring, is he running to Kay Jewelers for the solitaire or no? Do share...

111 comments:

Brittany Geneva said...

I definitely feel ya on the not wanting to start over. It's so annoying to always go back to square one.

Lisa Steptoe said...

I understand not wanting to start over, but you HAVE to love yourself more. I'll give him 2x 4 seasons and if the man doesn't like the cow enough by then, he certainly ain't EVER going to buy the farm. You have given him 4 more years past the shyt or get off the pot date and now the "standard" is set so low it is now easy for him to step over it on all over you. He gave YOU the bouncing orders. I'd pack you stuff ( or his crap if its your place) ~ tree and tinsel too ~ and roll out.

Now trust he gonna sit, sulk and wait for you to call and see if he has changed his mind. DON'T DO IT!!! I don't care what you gotta do (buy some batteries) but DON'T YOU DARE! Time to move on. If he really wants you, then let him do the begging, pleading. Let Him SHOW you. Words mean nothing- ACTIONS speak volumes. Don't move back in together, let him court you. Re-establish acceptable standards. Start dating with lessons learned in your side pocket and enjoy life. He can step up or kick rocks.

Merry Christmas

Nicole McLean said...

Not much to add there. Be sure to leave the key when you go? *shrug* He said what he felt. He likes things just like they are and doesn't want to change. Stay and forever be the roommate with sex options, or leave and try to find your bliss and your husband elsewhere. 

EvolvingElle said...

She has to decide if her want to be married is greater than her want to stay in this relationship because she doesn't want to start over.  At this point, it's not about giving him an ultimatum, which I suspect some people think this is-it's about their relationship being at a crossroads.  If they don't want the same thing, it's time they go down separate paths. 

quinne said...

ummm lady what do you have??? it kills me to see people say "they dont want to start over because they have built up so much." I honestly believe people who utter these words are the same people who would stay in a bad relationship for the sake of not wanting to start over, regardless of how ugly the situation is.
 
If you were taking a trip and started off in the wrong direction and realized it midway during the drive are you telling me you wouldnt go back and start over to get going in the right direction.
 
Obviously you have made it comfortable for the man to NOT have to marry you. They are "playing" married and he still has the opt-out clause with no penalty.
 
"not ready" is a bullisht answer and code word for i like you but dont love you enough to man up and do the right thing. When there are things we desire as me there is no hesitation in our action to follow through.
 
she must make things uncomfortable which could include putting him out until he "gets ready" (im willing to bet whenever its convenient for him he "gets ready" for the stuff that benefits him in the relationship)
 
last thing, this is a perfect example of people looking at marriage as a thing on a life checklist, rather than a outward  expression of love/commitment/devotion that the two people share. She thought she could operate in the Steve urkel school of "wearing you down" and its backfired... cut your losses ms (and im willing to bet the NEXT woman he dates he marrys and she will be SICK)

quinne said...

but what you built the relationship on wasnt anything stable why not... so you would rather stay in an obvioously flawed situation and HOPE it gets better, and run the possibility of looking up and you are 10-15 years in and more miserable and you were at the 6 year stage.

you have to love yourself enough to say while yes starting over will be irritating, its a lot better than being in a shell of a relationship when you desire more

Trey Charles said...

Ladies, it's not this difficult. If a man wants to marry you, he will.

Grace said...

The only relationship thing that Steve Harvey ever said that was worth a damn is that if you don't set boundaries for a man, they assume there are none.

thinklikeRiley said...

I ain't gonna say nuthin' about milk and cows and gettin' ish for free.
Then again, maybe I just did.
I'll let myself out.

CaliGirlED said...

*reads the letter and pauses* In the words of Luvvie, "I'm unable to can!" I know you gave some good words of wisdom, so let me continue reading so that I can learn how to be gracious. *blows out all the oxygen in my lungs*

kiesh said...

After 6 years he still doesn't even want to TALK ABOUT getting married? That is a conversation that should have been had waaaay before the 6 year mark. You have two choices: stay and accept the situation for what it is (he is telling you quite clearly), or break up with him. Make the decision that's best for YOU and not based on what he does/doesn't want, otherwise you may regret it later.

CaliGirlED said...

^^^THIS

J. Crawford said...

Since this lady never said how they are living (well-off, comfortable, just getting by, etc), or even WHere they were when they first got together, nobody knows for sure what his reason(s) are for not popping the question or being ready yet. Her beau probably Isn't Ready and her pressuring clearly isn't making it easier for him in getting there

J.Crawford said...

First time commenter btw, so I hope Bougieland doesn't go in on me too harshly

CaliGirlED said...

Hey Sis in the Springs, whatever you don't DO whatever you think it might take to make him change his mind. In six years you have shown him who you are and he has shown you who he is. Aside from the forced maturity that life brings upon SOME of us, you two are who you are. If this man changes his mind tomorrow and marries you..."You gotta do what you gotta do." ...Putting that in print didn't help?) God please save her from herself! 
I'll leave you with this: (paraphrasing) The person with the least interest will control the relationship because the one with the most interest will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.

hairouna said...

I don't understand. You want to be married yes? You are not happy with the current status of the relationship, yes? He has made statements on multiple occasions directly affirming that he does not want to change the status of the relationship. When you told him that you were unhappy, he did not offer to change but alluded that if you wanted to leave, the door is open. I am unsure as to how you are unsure. 

You have lived six years waiting for something that this man is unwilling to give you. Are you willing to wait an indeterminate amount more? To be unhappy and unsatisfied for those years, as long as they might be? The only other option is to leave and see if you can make the life  you want, away from him, with someone else. 

Anonymous said...

It is incredibly tough starting over and walking away from a relationship you really wanted to work. That being said, you need to love yourself and make the decision that is good for you. If you want to be married, you need to find a like minded man.

CaliGirlED said...

Welcome J! You're right we don't know these things. But what is clear is she wants to get married and he doesn't, and she needs to decide what's best for her. I will say that either he is cold or she has nagged him into a damn corner because for him to say, "Do what you gotta do" says that he could careless if she stays or goes. Now that response may be a result of her working his LAST half of a good nerve, but his actions are supporting it. LOL

ClayJones said...

I was okay with dude until he said "You gotta do what you gotta do" - that gave the impression that he could take it or leave it. Not good. If he had some other reasons for waiting, he probably would have brought them up somewhere along the way. We're only hearing a sliver of the story but at this point, based on what we've heard, I would agree with Chele.

@yo_q_crush said...

Nah bruh. I think she would be fine if it was a matter of finances not being right, and there would be no need for the letter. This is a simple case of dude refusing to be forced to do something he really doesn't want to.

To not even want to discuss the option speaks to a bigger issue than just not being in a place financially to be able to do it

blackprofessor said...

Sis in Silver Spring, please refer to Trey Charles' words as that is the gem of the day - men do what they want to do when they want to do it.  Period! The sooner you learn that, the better off you will be when dealing with them. 

Ithopia said...

That Bible there.... full of wisdom.  A man who findeth a wife, findeth a good thing.....why you think this world so backwards we always trying to go against the word.  Question you have to ask yourself is Am I a good thing???? -that answer will determine what you do. Not to get all preachy on you bougie folks but again it is written "Do not throw your pearls to swines and do not give what is holy to dogs" God is always trying to protect us from foolishness we just have to listen and take heed!! Good luck to you Sis- be encouraged!

motown_skater said...

preach pas-tah!!!

"The person with the least interest will control the relationship because the one with the most interest will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work."

La said...

If you were at a job for more than half a decade and they repeatedly told you, “Sis, we love your work and we want to give you this raise and promotion buuuuuut…” would you stay? Though this situation is far more emotional, the principle is the same; this situation is not serving you. Whatever you decide keep in mind this is about YOU; what YOU want, what YOU need, what serves YOU. It is not about nagging or issuing an ultimatum or hoping that some dramatic gesture will “make him change.” All of that will fail, or it will work and leave you resenting each other. Either way, just remember you can choose to be in situations that serve you. And you can choose to leave the ones that do not.

motown_skater said...

don't make this any harder than it has to be. you ask, "does this mean he's never going to marry me?".  he has said, "do what you gotta do!" six years of life lessons learned with this man take them and move on. take some alone time (year at the very least) to remember who you were before him and who you became with him. combine the good of those two women and get back out that and meet the man who wants to walk the same path (marriage) as you. if you don't you gone look up and another six years will have gone by. time speeds up after 30. it goes a little faster at 35 and when you hit 40 hold on casue it waits for no one. don't waste it with someone who says, "do what you gotta do!" share it with someone who says, " i love you, will you marry me!"

JoyGrooves said...

I'm not trying to tell other folks how to live btu I can share what I did. I met a guy a little over 16 months ago. He was a self-declared player. We fell into immediate deep like. I told him on Date One that I wasn't in it for giggles. I wanted to be with someone serious who understood that my endgame was marriage and not way off in some distance that I couldn't conceive.

Again, I don't recommend doing this with everybody. It's just how I decided to handle it. I also went all in, uprooted my life from LA, moved to Dallas, moved in with him and remodeled his house and life to fit me in it. And then I re-asserted that I would only be shacking for a year. If at the end of that year, it wasn't headed where either of us wanted, we'd call it quits no harm, no foul.

He proposed this summer and we're getting married on New Year's Eve. recently I was asked if I felt that I backed him into a corner with an ultimatum. No. I felt like he could value me as a lifemate or lose me as a roommate.

All this being said Sis - Clearly something about him makes you want to stay but neither him nor you are serious about that marriage question or you would have  handled it one way or the other by now.

Jason P said...

I tend to think that after six years, it is what it is. It's not like they are in their early twenties or not sure about where they stand with each other. I'd be interested in hearing his thoughts though. I've never understood the long-time live in girlfriend thing.

marylandchick said...

Some commenters put it more eloquently, but basically he doesn't want to get married. Take it or leave it.

Oh.. and there's is no 'S' at the end of Silver Spring ;)

Fiscal Spliff said...

If he told you to do what you have to do, then I say move on. He's not trying to meet you where you want to be and it sounds like he's staying because he's comfortable, not because he wants to marry you.

rozb said...

 A poor man can get married just as easily as a rich one. Now if you are talking about weddings and the trappings that surround that, then that would be a deterrent. But no, I suspect she just wants a wedding band.

rozb said...

He called your bluff before and you stayed. You insist on trying to back him into a corner and he dougies right on out of it. He really has given you your own ultimatum. If you want this particular man, you may stay, but if you just want to be married, then you will be able to find somebody to give you a ring.

Take all things in consideration. What is your motivation? Are your religious beliefs telling you it is wrong to cohabit and stir cocoa without benefit of marriage? Are you listening to that whole biological clock thing? 'Cause it has been known to be jacked up sometimes... Whatever is driving this need to secure that particular individual for marriage and a future, you may have to put distance in there to look at things with a fresh perspective. Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but then again, it may make things crystal clear.

Sister, go get your life!!!!!!

tiffanyinhouston said...

Sis in Silver Spring, MD: I'd like to tell you a story about a girl from Houston, who met a guy in ATL who then moved to Minneapolis. She really liked this guy and couldn't stand to be away from him and so they decided she would come to him and so she moved..all the way to Minnesota, on a promise. 

Things were good for while and the girl and the guy settled in and played husband and wife, but when the girl asked the guy when could they start planning that wedding and subsequent marriage, the guy said he wasn't ready. The girl decides she is patient and will wait until he is ready..and a year goes by. In this time, she becomes angry, and resentful and feels trapped and embarrassed that she moved all this way for this guy and he isn't keeping his promise to her. 

So they have another talk, and he still says he isn't ready and they are heading into year two of this unfulfilled promise. She calls her girlfriends back home crying and he starts working nights and they become more like roommates than lovers. And so they have one last talk, one he's been avoiding. He finally tells her what she really already knew, that it wasn't working. He offers to help her get an apartment in the city. She declines. She cries and cries and cries..and is relieved. She finally has her answer. She has to move on. They break up at the beginning of November 2005. She pulls into her parent's driveway in Houston on December 21, 2005 at 5:35pm for good.

My dear sister in Silver Spring, you cannot live your life based on a promise, or a hope, or a wish. You cannot hold on to any of those intangibles. You feel like he holds all the cards but he doesn't. You control your destiny, not him. You are not in his future but you can determine yours. 

That girl from Houston is doing OK now. She met a guy who wanted to have her in his future. They've been married a little over two years. But she would have been OK just the same.

You will too.

(Chele sorry for blogging  in the comments)

OneChele said...

You betta preach today, Tiff!

OneChele said...

I think if people took more time to look at the motivations behind why they stay and why they leave relationships, we'd have a lot more closure.

OneChele said...

And I gotta wonder - how many times does he have to say it before she believes it?

OneChele said...

*snickers* Her bad and my bad. Silver Spring. Got it.

OneChele said...

I was hoping you could explain it. Unless you've agreed from the outset that it's not going to be marriage then... what ya'll really doing?

OneChele said...

Alright then. Name it and claim it. 
BTW - Ya'll ain't slick sliding off to Vegas on New Year's Eve. 

OneChele said...

Nicely stated.

CaliGirlED said...

Sure wish I had come across that years ago! But who knows, I may not have listened, I was in love! :-/

OneChele said...

THIS! I ask people - what other situation would you stay in miserable and unfulfilled year after year without making a change? I guess she's not that miserable or unfulfilled?

OneChele said...

let the church say...

OneChele said...

Right. It rare that one person "makes" another person do something. They either want to or they don't.

CaliGirlED said...

*runs up and down ALL the aisles banging a tambourine waving a flag and dropping $$$ every time I pass the offering plate* No I did not always heed this, but God!...The doors are open, those who will, let them come!

OneChele said...

That "do whatcha gotta do" was last straw territory for me as well.

OneChele said...

 I am unsure as to how you are unsure.
that is all

OneChele said...

Aunt Violet used to say - make sure the one who is driving the car knows where you want to go lest you be taken to a place you never intended to visit.

kiesh said...

After living together for 6 years (ie playing married), and him saying "do what you gotta do" - he either doesn't want to marry period or doesn't want to marry HER.

Every relationship reaches the point where it must move forward or end. They passed their expiration date some time ago.

OneChele said...

Thanks for commenting, we'll try not to beat you about the head and neck. But I do have to wonder - if a guy isn't ready after six years - what would make him ready now? Just curious.

CaliGirlED said...

"time speeds up after 30. it goes a little faster at 35 and when you hit 40 hold on casue it waits for no one. don't waste it with someone who says, "do what you gotta do!" share it with someone who says, " i love you, will you marry me!"
*rocks back and forth*

OneChele said...

*slams door behind him*

OneChele said...

Okay, I'll give him that. But since he probably said it while wearing an Easter Egg Blue 6 button double-breasted suit with matching fedora and gators, I take it with a grain of salt. ;-)

OneChele said...

And there it is.

CaliGirlED said...

*throws everything in my reach* Been waiting on Joy to speak on it for the longest! Well said! Like you said, not for everybody, but when you're serious you have to mean it!

New Year's Eve huh? Well wishes and happy thoughts to you both!

OneChele said...

This is gospel: "And im willing to bet the NEXT woman he dates he will marry and she will be SICK"
Always! It's always the girl after the one he didn't really want but sort of stayed with anyway that makes a man see the light.

OneChele said...

Nic, did you basically say pack yo' ish and leave the key under the mat?
HA!! 

OneChele said...

This is true however do take into account those of us that have pressed "reset" a few times - we're weary. Give us a minute, we'll be back in there. Kinda like that old dude at the club who has to get his second wind after wobbling too hard? Yep. Just gotta catch my breath. Here I go. 

CaliGirlED said...

I heart you! *wipes a tear*

CaliGirlED said...

Aunt Violet was full of pearls!

GrownAzzMan said...

As my teenage daughter would say, "we've been over this.." He doesn't want what you want. Period. Full stop. Unless you are willing to change the is a gots-to-go situation.

I can't believe I interrupted my vacation for this...

GrownAzzMan said...

Always.

GrownAzzMan said...

"Ladies, it's not this difficult. If a man wants to marry you, he will."

With no extraordinary effort on your part.

GrownAzzMan said...

Such hate...LOL

MsJamie14 said...

You're 31. Don't let this man take another second of your life, let alone another year. You should be insulted at his answer to you at this point. Get gone.

Miz JJ said...

Did he really say to you that "when he was ready to talk about it, he would bring it up"? Like with a straight face? I'll leave that alone, but I will tell you what my mom has told me and it has served me well in everything in life. You can not lose something that is meant for you. You are holding on so tight afraid that you'll lose this man. I would suggest loosening your grip on him and focusing on your own life. Without him. 

Penny said...

 He may want to get married, but he doesn't want to marry her.  (Sorry, S in SS, but it's the truth.)

CaliGirlED said...

LOL!!! Have a drink and forget about it!

blackprofessor said...

 Aww, this made me weepy but this is a great testimony!

Tarsha said...

As my grandmothers used say: Don't waste your pretty (spirit, looks, etc)...you've already done it for 4 years...

GrownAzzMan said...

Somebody should have told me it was time for testimonies. I guess there is nothing left but altar call...

Jubi The Great said...

I'm sorry, but you knew the answer to this question before you even wrote the letter...did you expect BnBers to say "just keep waiting & one day your dreams will come true!".

After 6 years, I can only conclude that you've decided that being with that specific man is more important than being married, since he's told you several times that he doesn't intend to marry you, and now you can & probably should bounce. Are you just uncomfy with the decision you've made? If that's the case, you can always make a change - the only one holding you captive is yourself.

Jubi The Great said...

Love that you shared this sis...

Marioned said...

Go after what you want!  Take that "S" from Silver Spring and tell him you ain't taking anymore *hit! 

Coretta said...

I know a sister 10 years in with no ring. One 6 years in who just got engaged. One who was 7 years in and moved on with no ring. I hear few success stories that begin like this. He doesn't want to get married when it's taking nearly a decade of the best years of your life to get to the altar. Let him go. He is not the only one out there. There is no reason for him to change a situation that is working for him. Especially when he knows you are not going anywhere.

FiscalCliff Huxtable said...

"Does this mean he's never going to marry me?"

Probably.

tiffanyinhouston said...

That's basically what I did. I had my stuff shipped, handed him the key and bounced. *Cues up R Kelly's "When A Woman's Fed Up"*

SingLikeSassy said...

I sincerely hope this isn't one of the ladies I met at the Bougie get together last year cause all of y'all are too cute and smart for this here shit.

If he wanted to marry you, y'all would be married. It really is that simple. 

So, get your stuff together and start making plans to move out and move on. Good luck.

kiesh said...

That line had me thinking too. Like, why does she even WANT to marry a man who feels that way about her? What kind of marriage would THAT be? Sometimes women get so focused on "getting the ring" that they don't even evaluate that man to see if he'll even make a good husband!

OneChele said...

:-)

bashowell said...

*whispers* I was wondering the same thing.  PS - It ain't me.  Ijs.

bashowell said...

*applauds*

MsJamie14 said...

When the pee stick shows a plus sign? O_o

OneChele said...

Oh and can we get a round of applause for: "he could value me as a lifemate or lose me as a roommate."? C'mon somebody.

bashowell said...

Soooo...what's the question? He already gave the answer.  If you're fine w/no marriage then stay.  If not, go.

tiffanyinhouston said...

Basically he told her I could give two fucks whether you stay or go. I know I was sweet earlier today but I'm back and shit now.

tiffanyinhouston said...

Now J, you know that doesn't work either.

taut_7 said...

i'm a man and i say dipset. plain and simple. he's only gonna do what you allow him to do. dip. 

Earthangel172 said...

A deep sigh and an eye-roll is all I've got. LOL

Best to all involved. 

Earthangel172 said...

"I sincerely hope this isn't one of the ladies I met at the Bougie get
together last year cause all of y'all are too cute and smart for this
here shit. "

I thought about that too.

Earthangel172 said...

 ::places entire bonus check in the offering plate::

Earthangel172 said...

 "Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but then again, it may make things crystal clear."

This is the truth.org! For real.

Sol_dier said...

Even if you are fine without marriage, don't stay. Saying 'Do what you gotta do' is just so callous.
Dude, doesn't give a rats behind about you. period. 

Do what you have to do?. You say that when you don't care about the outcome, when the outcome isn't even remotely  relevant to your life.

Dude is point blank period saying : I don't give a damn, you are not important to my life. girl!  #GITYODAMNLIFE urrrgh so annoying.

SingLikeSassy said...

OK, I was peeved earlier, but for real, SS you know all you need to know right now. You have all the information you need. Staying longer is not going to reveal anything else to you. So, based on what you know right now, today, you know you need to leave this man and this relationship.

So, get your tears out the way and start making plans for moving out and into your own place. Upward and onward.

happinessisme said...

Have some self respect. You've already wasted some of your twenties with a dude that is just lukewarm about you. You two don't want the same thing. Period. And unless you are willing to forsake all of your wants and needs for a dude who couldn't care less if you stay or go, then there is only one thing for you to do:  leave. Please leave him because if you don't in a few years you will be one of those "ninjas ain't ish" chicks and you will only have yourself to blame. Leave now. 

The Fickle Goddess said...

You still have 3 weeks to make sure you bring in the new year right.  I'm also seeing on Craig's List that this is a great time to get a deal on an apartment if you need one. 

SouthernWes said...

I get playing house for a year or two but as we drift into 4, 5, 6 - you are etiher happy as you are or killing time until something better comes along.

SouthernWes said...

You coming?

diamond life said...

I just have to ask - is she serious? She knew the answer so is she looking for validation or a cosigner?
Do you need a push to get out the door? Girl run.

Rubie said...

"The person with the least interest will control the relationship because the one with the most interest will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work"

ALL.OF.THIS.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I say it all the time but ain't nobody trying to hear me!

Lisa Rawlings said...

Here's the thing for me...I want a man who is EXCITED about joining our lives together.  He needs to be THRILLED about marrying me.  CAN'T WAIT TO GET ME DOWN THE AISLE...you get the drift. 

It may be why I'm single, but don't do me no favors boo.  I'm a prize :)

keishabrown said...

*throws half my christmas fund in the collection plate. 

keishabrown said...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Eyes are crossed because all they focus on is that ring!

CaliGirlED said...

I gave away my money earlier and threw things in my house, all I can do now is lay prostrate before this comment! EXCITED, THRILLED, CAN'T WAIT!!! And I will stay single til he comes, and I want to feel the same way about him!

CaliGirlED said...

The tears you'll cry leaving him are worth far more than the tears you'll cry staying with him! Not telling you to leave, just saying if you do...

Tenderheart93 said...

It ain't me either.  Humph...I wish I would.  I've made my fair share of dumb relationship mistakes and have learned many a lesson.  Baby girl, you gotta bounce.  Stay with a good girlfriend if  you don't have family nearby and can't afford to live solo.  There are ALWAYS options.  Don't think you have to stay with someone who doesn't respect you.  He's giving you an out.  Take it.  I would.

Tenderheart93 said...

And there you have it.  Each one, teach one.  Listen to TIH and others who've been where you are.  As Mary, Mary says, "Go get your blessing!"  You can't get it if you are still holding on to a 'non-blessing'. #donotblockyourblessings

Tenderheart93 said...

I have learned that you need to be upfront with your intentions in relationships.  We as women are so afraid of speaking up and being totally honest with a guy because we don't want to say the wrong thing and lose the guy.  If I speak my truth and you are not onboard with it, then you are not the man for me.  Congratulations, Joy, on your upcoming nuptials!

Tenderheart93 said...

This.  Preach.

Tenderheart93 said...

And I would do just that.  Do what I had to do and that would be leaving him.  Why is this so hard??  Yeah...I know why.  We don't want to be alone. Been there...not in this particular situation, but staying in relationships past their expiration dates.  You're going to get food poisoning doing that.

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