I'll admit I'm not bouncing up and down with enthusiasm about dating again. Hence the I'm Too Old For This Shiggity (ITOFTS) Chronicles. But I'm a trooper, by golly. I keep trying. I keep plugging away. A few weeks ago, I was unloading groceries from my car to the trunk in the parking lot of SuperTarget when my 24-pack of bottled water broke for freedom and bottles flung themselves from the plastic, falling to the asphalt and rolling all over the darn place.
Amazing how few people actually stop and assist. Even more amazing how people step over your bottles of water and look at you like "wow that sucks" as they keep it moving. One family stopped and the kids thought it was fun to scramble under cars searching for bottles and one guy stopped and helped me secure the rest before they went rolling as well.
I thanked everybody. Got the trunk loaded and noticed that the guy was still standing there smiling. I smiled back while wondering, "What does he want?" He extended his hand, "I'm Ty." I shook his hand, "Michele. Thanks again." I walked around to the driver's door and he was still standing there. I raised a brow. He grinned, "Would you like to get a drink some time?" Oh. Uh. "Sure." He raised his phone, snapped my picture and asked for my number. Alll riighty then. I gave him my Google Voice number. (That one-click "mark as spam" feature is amazing, you also can send certain numbers direct to neverneverland.)
It took a few days for our schedules to mesh but finally we met at trendy lounge on a Thursday night. It was packed. We sat at a tall table with bar stools After drinks were ordered, we started the initial call-and-response of generic getting to know you questions. I noticed he asked more than he answered and some questions he seemed to deflect. I sipped quicker. So fifteen minutes in I was already two seconds away from an eyeroll, gulp and leave when they started playing music. I don't even remember what the song was but I remember kind of bopping my head and shoulders a little bit.
"Oh, you're a dancer," he said. I laughed, "I do dance but I'm not a dancer." He tilted his head, pointed to a patch of carpet in front of him and said, "Dance for me."
Pardon me? I kind of blinked rapidly and set my drink down positive I misheard him. "With you or for you?"
"For me. I'm wondering what you're willing to do to hold my attention. Get up and show me what you got."
**crickets** Everyone within hearing distance was like, "What did he just say?"
I said nothing. I pulled out a $10, flung it on the table, tossed my hair back and did a Beyonce stomp towards the parking garage. Ty caught up with me and tapped me on the shoulder, "Did that offend you?"
I walked faster, talking as I went, "Dude - I don't know who you're used to dealing with. You asked me out. I'm not a stripper, I'm not here for your entertainment and I had a father, okay? You've got the wrong one."
Random dude getting out of his car with his boys was like, "Damn, she said she had a daddy, yo."
Ty shrugged, "I'm a commodity. Women want to impress me."
To which I laughed, "Actually I am a commodity. Men try not to insult me. You're free to go. We're done." (I know I was extra ya'll, I was just trying not to go full Shequenesha)
He shrugged again, "I could have five other women here in ten minutes who would dance for me whenever I want."
"Please call any or all of them." I got in my car and drove away. Two minutes later my cell phone announced a call coming in from Google Voice. Do you want to accept this call? No. Do you want to block this caller? Yes. Thank you.
BougieLand... why? Really. Who the hell (besides Krystal from The House of Cheeks) is getting up booty shaking for random dudes in the martini bar? Who? I'll say it one mo' gin - I'm too old for this shiggity.
172 comments:
I wish I could be surprised by this event... but sadly, I'm not. I keep telling people that this single life filled with crazy men who think they are "super heroes" because they are single and dating (and sometimes single just means that their wife doesn't know they're making new friends). It is difficult not to get jaded and bitter and keep a fresh perspective for each new person. Alas, if I don't then they win. :/ It is a sad day. At least he showed you his crazy early. You didn't have to waste too much time.
WOW, Like Nicole I am not surprised either.
OMG. Krystal from The House of Cheeks?!?!? I have questions:
Did dude think he was some random sheik or some ish like that?
Why did he think humiliating you in public would show anything?
Who does that crap?!?!?
The fact you did not call his ass out in that bar loudly shows how much self-control you have and confirms you are better than me at random trifling ninja interactions. He is well-deserving of a strategic upper cut. Or a knee to the junk.
And Ty should know when he brags about the binders full of women (see what I did there?) waiting at his beck and call to do a Stanky Leg in public for him just shows he does not even have one. Plus, his thirst was on full blast from the moment he picked up one of your bottles of water and stood panting at your car.
"(and sometimes single just means that their wife doesn't know they're making new friends)"..<<<THIS right here!!!
"And Ty should know when he brags about the binders full of women...shows he does not even have one." ...The Bouginistas are on a roll this morning!
It is too early on a Monday morning for THIS! Dance for me??? I rebuke Ty in the name of Jesus!
Chele I know the struggle, it is real, we press on!
I had a guy tell me something similar. He said something along the lines of "Do you know how many women are throwing their panties at me?" I laughed! Then I said "So catch them and get the hell out of my face!" Why do men think this is attractive?
BTW, I am so stealing the "I got a daddy!"
*throws laptop off desk*
*picks it back up*
Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!
#WhatPartOfTheGame????
Wow...I'm not sure how I would have handled that situation. I like to think I've got good home training, but I might have momentarily blacked out only to "come back to myself" when he's laying unconscious on the floor after I knocked him out.
This is better than the chick I went out with this weekend who did a pirouette (yeah, a nigga said pirouette) in the middle of the spot and said "I can have any man in here, what are you prepared to do"
I was prepared to leave. And I did so.
Riley ont play dat. Riley out.
The sad thing is, dude said it with some confidence because THAT ISH HAS WORKED in the past!
Some thirsty ass chick has gotten up and danced for his raddy behinds.
Arrgggh!
Grace I say all the time, these ninjas ain't pullin this crap for the sake of nothing, it's worked for them before!
I admit that I was multi-tasking while reading this post. The moment I read "dance for me" I did a double take and dropped something! Boy...what???
Ugh...hate the "touch the hem of my garmet" type dudes that think you owe them for being in their presence. *eyeroll*
As always, you handled that like a champ. Will these dudes ever catch a clue???
Who does this?!?! I mean...ugh! I hope he gets a clue one day, but sadly I don't think that's what's going to happen.
You showed a level of self-restraint that I admire. Whew LAWD!!
1 - Google Voice is essential for dating in 2012. And now that they do MMS too? Dudes never know that they don't have the "real" number until you give it to them. I have been known to use that "mark as spam" or "block caller" setting with a quickness, and being able to listen in as a person leaves a VM is good too.
2 - *hangs head* in my younger days, like 17-18, I probably would have fallen for that "dance for me" line. Either he's used to deal with young (minded) chicks or he's bought into that idea that he should be applauded & worshipped for doing things he is supposed to do, like breathing through his nose & being employed. NEXT.
3 - He reminds me of the guy I dated in Florida, who told me once when we were having a disagreement that he really didn't have to put up with me & my opinions cause he normally dates women who look like Beyonce. I chuckled & told him to go find one & hung up the damn phone.
"What are you prepared to do"??? She don did one pirouette too many! Dizzy broad!
Oh.
Whoa! I thought I was the only one that pulled the," I have a daddy" line. Fools!
Hell no. In just a "have some damn respect for another human" level, I say hell no.
I think I would have got up from the table, did a poor imitation of a tap dance shuffle, tipped my imaginary hat and shuffled on out of there. Or a Cupid Shuffle-you know, while doing a "to the right (x 4)", I would have LEFT!! Oh, I gotcha "dance for me", Pardna!
He's listened to Beyonce's, Dance For You, one too many damn times.
Dudes who say things like "I am a commodity" are like people who say "I am classy". Look, if you have to say it....
The "I had a father" line is giving me life. My dude met my father and he said "This explains so much". It does. I was and remained well-loved (haters say spoiled). Deal with it.
dance for me? lolololololololololoololololol
lololololololololololololoololololol ok i'm done.
lolololololololololololol
dude was really feeling himself huh?
Somebody needs his ass beat.
I mean really?
I'm not the only one who can totally visualize you doing the hair flip Beyonce stomp, am I?
Cuz I totally see that. Did you toss a big purple designer bag over your arm at the same time.
Cuz in my mind, you totally do...
BWAHAHA
'Random dude getting out of his car with his boys was like, "Damn, she said she had a daddy, yo."' I really needed this laugh at this exact moment. Thanks!
Welcome to my life. I thought it was just a St. Louis thing. Every friend has gone through some variation of this. There are plenty of women who would dance for a man. I'm sure that the local Applebees sees some foolishness on a regular basis. Once a "man" explained that I needed to "go hard to keep his attention" and that I should because he has a job, is single, and has his own apartment. I looked at him sideways, narrowed my eyes and asked, "Who you been *bleep*ing with? How is that working out for you? Obviously not too well 'cause you are here with me. I don't have nothing but celibacy, bills and a bad attitude for you. *cackle*"
Do you know that he called me for weeks (good looking out on the Google Voice) and attempted to friend me on Facebook? Clearly he is not a player.
LMAO!!!
I was done when he snapped your picture before putting your number in his phone.
I need to get with that Google Voice, though.
Dear Ty,
How you gonna win when you ain't right within?Come again.
Sincerely,
The Brotherhood
*googles this Google Voice*
This comment has so much awesome.
Yes. Google Voice is my lifesaver.
Thanx for providing the balance. I think yo girl and Chele's dude need to meet up. Now THAT's a reality show I would watch...
Not Applebee's? HA!
I'm here for you :-)
As a matter of fact...
really.
See now...
haters say spoiled What's wrong with a l'il bit of spoiled? ;-)
He must not know bout me, he must not know bout me.
Usually I say I've had a father, a doctor, a lawyer and a priest but you know - I was trying to keep it short.
I love how the guys who say they could date Beyonce never seem to have a Beyonce type chick on their arm. Ever.
It was a near thing.
Alas, I thinks not.
Right?!
#2 all day. So many men, as MsJaime44 said, have the "touch the hem of my garment" syndrome, and are just shocked...SHOCKED!!!! when a woman doesn't fall for it. That usually occurs when they start trying to date a woman who is bringing a lot to the table *ahem*. I've had my share try to approach me, and I basically send them on their way with a verbal kick in the taint. Life's too short to deal with foolishness.
Was she channeling Sean Connery from the Untouchables? Otherwise I can't understand her comment. Like at all.
*snickers*
No part, sir. No part at all.
Aw yes, the "rainbow array of Vicki's Secrets tossed at their feet" fantasy. Bless their hearts. Bless them.
I bet he knows now! *humming To tha Left, To tha Left...*
The struggle continues.
google voice you say.... could have used it yesterday, but better late than never. thanks!!!
Brothers like this shall henceforth be called it Post It Note Ninjas - When the struggle to fill a binder is real.
Amen to the early crazy.
Chele, you handled that with so much restraint, cuz all I would have had for him is my soon-to-be trademarked "shuddup ho".
Fellas, stop. If you are a gift, a woman will realize it. You won't be able to get rid of her UNLESS there just is a serious incompatibility that prevents you from being good gifts to each other. And even then, she will have nary a bad word to say about you to others. So, if you have lived more than 18 years on this earth under the good lord's providence, and you don't have more women that speak of you well than speak of you ill, mayhaps you should reconsider how you go about this here dating thing. *peers over glasses* BUT, you know, that would require a little bit of introspection and accountability, which nignogs seem to treat as excess items at the 10 items or less checkout counter. *sips tea*
PINNs! He was on a very thirsty struggle!
When is the first "PINN Chronicle" post gonna happen? "Cause I bet there are a lot of them out there.
Hell, I knew he was a wannbe player when he snapped your pic all in the Target parking lot.
You deserve better.
You've had better. Truth be told.
I'm just saying. I'll go now.
*drops mic*
*cuts eyes*
Sir...
Will you be putting "shuddup ho" on a t-shirt? Purple v-neck with bedazzles and whatnot?
I think the next time we see a woman laughing her ass off and the dude she is with sitting there all tight, we might be able to assume he said some random shit like this to her, and could not control herself.
This PINN needs new people, namely friends who are not high-fiving each other over random ish like this and encouraging this foolishness and buffoonery. I bet his mama would have popped him in the back of his head if she heard this mess.
Couldn't resist.
I am 8 months preggos with my first child a daugther, soooooo prearranging her marriage because it is only getting worse. I on the look out now.... my problems with a huge nose, kankles and hyper pigmentation doesn't seem that great so glad i am out of that single life. All i could say is but God, people say it trivially but one needs God to find that perfect mate, that does not mean church I said God because some creatures are lurking in the church....
So bougie peeps with handsome son 0-3 years old that you are going to raise to respect a woman and be a decent man, I am going to raise a God- fearing woman with morals and values and self respect. So lets get together and do the darn thing!!!
*chuckles*
I clicked 'Like' for the sole fact you have Dee Thomas as your avi. Hilarious.
*falls completely out*
"touch the hem of my garment" type dudes...I rebuke them too!
Thanks for this! My last first date was to a museum and dinner. Apparently, I'm doing it wrong.
I'm supposed to:
1 - Take your picture when we first meet (as if I can't remember your face? Oh)
2 - Ask you to show me what you're working with...on the first date...in public.
3 - When questioned...proclaim that I be that commodity, so commence to twerkin sum'in for a playa
Got it. Onward.
Snapping the pic would have been the end for him!
^^^^ I love The Brotherhood!
But Beyonce is dancing for her damn husband, to thank him for all that he's done for her....but that fool Ty needs some serious help!!!!
It has just about come to this! SMH
We'll use this list in our self-published BnB Guide - How to Hustle Backward :-/
Congrats on the little one coming. And hey now, I have two young nephews. 6 and 5. Your daughter may want an older man :-)
I really need to get my Google Voice number game up. I live in the dark ages!
*lays head down on desk while HOLLERING*
I see you D. Chase... hahaha
Where to begin? I'm not going to say ALL I want to say (because, damn, I could go on for days), but basically, after "talking to" various guys over the past six months, a thought occurred to me. And when it did, I was stunned by its simplicity. I AM THE PRIZE. I. AM. THE. PRIZE. I'm not going to dance for you, kiss other women in other public places to get your attention, schedule the plans for the date that YOU asked ME out on or ask you to marry me. I. AM. THE. PRIZE. And if you don't like my attitude, hit the pavement because there'a lot more where that comes from. I think that we, as women, have forgotten that for thousands of years before the 1960s, man PURSUED woman. I even dare say that people (both male and female) have come to misunderstand what Feminism is, turning it into what a 62 year old hippy friend of mine calls it: "Cartoon Feminism." The bastardizing of Feminism has gotten us into this mess.
You did the right thing by walking out on his pathetic ass, and fortunately, he is in the minority (I have never HEARD of such behavior) there are PLLLLLENTY of dudes out there who will cancel out his bad behavior. I probably wouldn't have left the $10, though. ;-D
*tries stops laughing long enough to sign up for Google Voice*
I really strongly agree with needing and allowing GOD to choose whom you date and/or if you should be dating at all.
Imma need some kick back from Google Voice by the end of the day...
^^^ breaking it down!
I'm so surprised at the # of folks who DON'T know about Google Voice! I've been using it since 2009. It is awesomeness...
Taking bets on how long it is before my boy starts playing Hall & Oates' Baby Come Back up in here.
"You've had better". Alright now!
Sir, until you have a better track record than styrofoam carrying, beat-boxing dates? Imma need you to take seats.
*closes piano*
Time to go.
I am soo feeling you on being too old to deal with the shiggity. I wonder kind of 'logic' causes a man to think that it is cool to be pursued and courted by women instead of being the pursuer/courter. Is this caused by eating too much soy milk? Eating too much tofu?
My hypothesis is that dudes of this ilk have lower testosterone levels than the old school man. #ijs
Won't hustling backward cause folks to stumble and pump their heads? Maybe a head bump is what's needed...
Welp.
*grabs inhaler* Too late, I'm DEAD!!!
Chele, where do you guys find these flamboyant, dramatic, delusional people? Between PINN trying to make a woman twerk in the middle of a bar and Riley's date twirling like her hills were alive with the sound of music, this is some comedy!
She is already dancing in the middle of the floor...
Entitlement is real in these streets, huh?
I once had a woman who saw me wince at the dinner bill. She said, "I'm worth every penny"
Um. No she wasn't. But anyway...
best seller.
Say that then.
*spits coffee*
*makes note not to start none with Chele no time soon*
*whispers 'kinda true doe'*
*backs out of BougieLand*
it almost worked in Zamunda... until Eddie + Arsenio went to that Miss Black Awareness Pageant
This would be one of those things that a man couldn't get away with, right? Can you change it to 'Ev'body shuddup'?
*holds up bic lighter and sways back and forth*
Props for The Untouchables reference.
rumble young man, rumble - *Ali tone*
I hate to see Chele go (when she takes a break) but I love it when she comes back!
3 hours and 102 comments. There's nothing for me to add that hasn't already been said. ::tip toes out of the comment section::
Now I wonder who told him he was a commodity, or did he just assume he was that? Maybe he could get 5 to 6 other women, but when you are serious and want a woman with substance, remember this night and conversation. I'm married and ITOFTS, dayum!
Not PINNs, faints!
" I don't have nothing but celibacy, bills and a bad attitude for you. *cackle*"
I'm stealing this! LOL!!
I'm glad I'm not the only one who felt this way. My initial thought about this was "WTF?!"
It would have ended at that very moment because I'm not a fan of people snapping pics of others without their expressed permission.
Right?? Who the heck snaps a picture?
Dios mio!
And here I thought the random things guys have said to me were funny. This story right here takes the cake. I tell my friends (male & female) that we should write a book but people may think it is a fictional comedy and not non-fiction. It makes my story about one dude calling me late at night wanting to come over to "hang out" **still giving him side eyes** & upon finding out that I was about 2 hrs from home attending a work conference and therefore staying in a hotel overnight proceeded to ask if he came to see me would I give him gas money to get home **even the crickets were quiet**
You really can't make this stuff up
::hollers::
I would have kept my $10 too!
My bronchioles are NOT your friend!
And more than likely they are nowhere close (nor ever will be) to being Jay-Z.
Yes you do! *tries to memorize my number*
HA!
Oooh burn!
"...proceeded to ask if he came to see me would I give him gas money to get home **even the crickets were quiet** "...I'm logging off now because I am CONVINCED there is a c-o-n-spiracy in BougieLand to kill me today! Cause of death, asthma attack brought on by uncontrollable laughter.
I almost want you to be making this stuff up because I don't want this to actually be happening to you, lol.
I've met a ton of these men. They're everywhere. And they truly believe that their looks/jobs/network/bank account/car has entitled them to be an a-hole. I equally find blame with the women that get up and literally and metaphorically dance for them because they are desperate to get chosen. They all can go.
I am hollering. I am so sorry this happened. But I am tickled by it, lol
You're assuming he had a mama...
Well my mom laughed just hard when I told her (she was given the cliff notes version since she is my mother). So everytime someone in the family asks why I'm still single I told her to refer to the story I just told her as a possible cause. That should give me a reprieve.
And yes he was definitely one of those who felt he was a commodity so I am leaving him to all the other women who are willing to buy his shares.
This is why I'm off the market. A post of a-coming! (I know this is not proper blog etiquette, but this just reiterates to me that I made the right decision...)
Girl... you are MUCH better than me, because my Shequenesha (yes, I copied and pasted) would have come out. Some dudes KILL me with this entitlement garbage. (Are they Re-thugs on the low???) If 5 women will dance for you, why are you hollering at Chele??? Sir, have many seats. Good day!
Because of you, I will be using my Google voice number more often...
I told my daddy this summer that I wanted him to find my husband. He thought I was playing.
This. This right chea.
#NoCountryForNinjasNeedingGas$$$
No.
Save it in your phone! That's what I did until I memorized it.
Oh my. Even if I thought I was worth it (I totally do), I wouldn't say it.
Lawd my people need to rediscover the art of mystery and subtlety.
Let's blame tofu. That works for me.
I used to say the women who are pressed for crumbs or any scrap of attention, who literally beg to be used make it REALLY hard for women with some sort of standards. They will pretty much do anything for a fraction of the dude,his time/attention/cocoa and they make dude believe he can almost get away with that sort of douchery with all women and in his mind he prolly think there is something wrong with you or he gets turned on by the challenge, either way, he bad news.
I don't normally condone anyone going left on people they are not very familiar with, but this ish right here!! C"MON MAN!! you would have been well within your rights to read that negro 6 ways til Sunday. Probably would have made you feel good too!
Even in my dog days I wouldn't have come at a woman like that. He really had a drink in the face coming. And you better than me for putting $10 on it. After that foolishness you earned at least 3 drinks!
I did, I really did :-)
Off the market? Like forever ever?
EVERYwhere? Eek!
Who isn't 12 years older than he is.....
Mmmmmmm...for awhile. At least until I get my Masters. Honestly, I just had two crazy experiences that made me say, "I can't be bothered."
I did, I'll just say "It's a new number" when I have to look in my phone to retrieve. I won't be lyin. *shrugs*
I understand. I wish I didn't but dammit I do...
Whit (yes, I just gave you a nickname LOL), simple chicks are out here treating peasants like Kings and Kings like Gods. It's ugly.
Thus endeth the lesson...
Back before Lauren went crazy...meh
It just go real...LOL
Probably still is. *cough*
Dearest Chele,
Look here now. I need you and DLC to work this shit out and make shit right!
EYE have too much invested in this relationship! EYE am not here for these dating shenanigans!!!
FIX THIS!! I cannot take much more!!
Love always,
TIH
Dearest Chele,
Looka here now. I need you and DLC to work this shit out and make shit right!! EYE am not here for these dating shenanigans and EYE cannot take much more of this. EYE have too much invested in this relationship!!!
FIX IT!!!
Love always,
TIH
*stomps out and slams door*
Ma'am.
@OneChele
www.blacknbougie.com
Sent from my Kindle Fire
This ninja here!
I would have laughed my ass off in front of him and left the table with tears streaming down my face.
I second this motion 1000 times . *MD is ways from TX*
^^^Cosigning on this a million and one times.
*Takes a seat over by the window and absolutely DARES someone to say something to me*
I would so buy that.
Oh my GAWD!!! UNREAL!!
It's like I have to keep telling these DC area guys, "I am the prize here!" Hmph!
I blame the guys, and to some degree, the other women letting them get away with this . . . stuff . . . even more. Ugh.
Girl, you must have read my mind. My mantra since being in DC: I AM THE PRIZE
I am crying!! LOL!!
"He shrugged again, "I could have five other women here in ten minutes who would dance for me whenever I want.""
Was that supposed to make you change your mind? Wow. I also hope he's exaggerating, because it would break my heart and mind to think that so many women out there are that broken and thirsty.
I just saw this and I am >>>>HERE<<<< with you Tiffany...
Sweet Lawd have mercy, who or WHAT raised these 'men'?
*chokes*
I have a first drink/date tomorrow. Let's see how it goes: a friend of a friend/school mate. When the crazy sh*t comes out I just excuse myself, like I am going to the restroom and keep going! #No Country for old fools!
I'm late to the party.. WHAT THE ENTIRE F$&!??? You're better than me because I WISH I would have left any money on that table.
Thanks so much Chele. Well if she is like her mama, I like my men well seasoned. I will definitely put your nephews on the short list, people laugh but times real!!! Keep it in the bougie circle. The Royals can do it darnit we can too!!
**on the floor dying with laughter at the "hills were alive with the sound of music" comment...
This thing posing as a man told, yes told YOU to dance for him? That made my skin crawl. It reminded me about that horrible scene in the movie Sparkle when that pimp-thug asked Sister to crawl for him. Disgusting. You are a brave one because I would've snatched the phone out and "accidentally" stepped on it when he snapped my picture. WHO DOES THIS? He took too many liberties right then and there at your car. NEXT.
Wayment.I did NOT intend to like this.. Do NOT cut your eyes at "DLC" for telling the truth...*hmpf* bwahaha
He shrugged again, "I could have five other women here in ten minutes who would dance for me whenever I want." <--Chele, you were still too nice cause the response to this is: "Well call them hoes then. Bye."
But you know what, on reflection, I think my reax would have been to laugh. Cause I'm laughing now at the audacity of this mofo and he didn't even do/say this to me. Yeah, laughing and driving off in my convertible with the top back and bumping something loud while fumes blew into his face.
Yeah, random ninja I didn't give you permission to take my picture.
Yes for I had a father! Lol
Bravo!
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