Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Ask a Bougie Chick - Yes again.


I'm so sure I've posted a zillion times about not wanting to debate about infidelity. Yet and still... folks just cannot help themselves. On today's Ask a Bougie Chick, here are three questions about "That Topic" - yes, again. Because you keep asking, I'll answer but might I request that folks spend a little time in the Bougie Archives. My views have not changed, are not likely to change any time soon.

But anyway -

Question 1 came from a fella who wanted to remain anonymous and only shared that he is single in South Carolina: Chele, are there any circumstances under which you would be okay with your man cheating? Like if you incapacitated or something?

Dear Dude in SC - Is this the obligatory "if you were dying of cancer, wouldn't you want your man to be happy?" question? 

The answer is no. He can do what he wants when I'm gone. And no, there are no circumstances I can fathom where I would cosign my man's infidelity. Not nary nan a one. But I am going to say that any (and every) time some guy writes in with this type of question it's because they are looking for 1) forgiveness 2) excuses or 3) an escape clause. I'm not your blogger for that. If you want to cheat on somebody, I can't help you. Not judging you, do you boo. Just saying. I'm not here for that.

Question 2 came from a married woman in her mid-30s whose husband cheated on her so she took the opportunity to cheat on him. She thought that made them even. She forgave him and he won't forgive her and she wants to know how to fix it. 

Dear Married 30 - How to fix it? Invent a time machine to go back to the minute you got naked with someone else and put your clothes back on. Too snarky? Okay um well. As we've stated on this blog and many other places men really have a problem forgiving infidelity  It's a direct swipe at their virility. Yes, I know it's not fair because he cheated first. Yes I know he shouldn't have cheated. Yes, I'm sure you know two wrongs don't make a right. You can certainly make the argument to him that one bad turn deserves another and see how that works out. I invite you to Google "Do Men Forgive Infidelity" and scroll through the top few results. It's not pretty. My only advice to you is counseling. Hie thee forthwith to your nearest Iyanla and good luck!

Question 3 comes from a young military man (calling himself Semper Fi) who is based overseas and just found out his fiance cheated while he was deployed. He says he wants to forgive her but he can't. He's asking whether he is doing the right thing by walking way. He's also asking if it's fair for him to expect a woman to be faithful when he's gone for such long stretches of time.

Semper Fi - Well, your name and the motto of the Marines "Always faithful" pretty much sums it up for you. You live by that and expect those around you to do so as well. I can't tell what's right or wrong for you. But I can say that any one getting involved with someone in the military knows what they are signing up for. No it's not easy, yes the situation can get extreme but if they commit to you and the relationship, they should commit fully or not at all.

BougieLand, what say you?
1) Is there a time when you condone your s/o's infidelity?
2) Is there anything besides time and pleading apologetically to get a man to forgive infidelity?
3) Is it fair to expect an s/o to stay faithful over long periods of time?
Any other thoughts, words, or witticisms for Dude in SC, Married 30 or Semper Fi? Do share... 

20 comments:

happinessisme said...

To question two:  RUN! I mean it! The trust is broken. The way he is acting he seems like he is entitled to cheat and have you at home twiddling your thumbs. No, two wrongs don't make a right but if he can't forgive you and expects you to forgive him, that's a problem. If you want to salvage the marriage( I wouldn't but hey, I've never been married) I suggest trying to go to some counseling so he can understand why this situation is so crazy. Unless you BOTH can forgive each other then there is no point. Honestly, though, the way he is acting, I wouldn't be surprised if he keeps/never stopped cheating. Old dude sounds like he has major entitlement issues. If you wanna deal with that til your dying day, do you boo!

To number three:  Wow, drop her. It can be hard to have a solid bond when gone for long periods of time but it's not impossible. She broke trust and is scandalous. RUN! Find you someone that isn't so hot in the pants. I'm sure that someone is out there. Just be honest and try to find someone that is honest  as well. 

tiffanyinhouston said...

Again??? *sigh*

thinklikeRiley said...

One mo' gin:
1) Naw son.
2) Get gone. Left at the lantern, right at the river.
3) You deserve better. Onto da next.

CaliGirlED said...

Chele I can hear your disgust in reading your responses! (I'm going to follow in the footsteps of Sir Riley.)
1) Hell to the nawl!2)Probably not. And him being a hoe shouldn't "make" you one. :-/3) That's what commitment means.All of y'all get to the archives and other resources Chele suggested!

Angela said...

1) No, I don't condone infidelity for any reason!
2) A man's ability to forgive depends on the man. If you've made a bad decision, what you need to do to rectify it will also depend on the man. 
3) Yes, I expect an s/o to be faithful, especially when they know the situation going in but, even if things change, that's life. Either you're committed or you're not. The door is always open.

Angela said...

Question for the married woman: So, she forgave him AFTER she got even?

MsJamie14 said...

Um...Heffa #2...cheating to make things "even" is not a sign of forgiveness.

Semper Fi, sorry that happened to you. I think it is possible for a woman to be faithful while you are gone. You just have to find the right one.

mickmicki said...

*sigh*  I am in a surly mood.

Why can't people be honest?  With their mates AND themselves? 

1.  No.  If your I am incapacitated and my man is thinking of cheating, then he is incapable of the emotional maturity required.  I don't have time for trying to heal and putting up with his nonsense.  I hope that he would do me a favor and jet. 

2.   I am going to say that the cheating is the symptom of a much bigger issue in their marriage.  I wonder if Iyanla has the strength.

3.  His FIANCEE cheated while he was deployed?  RUN!!!!  I am sure that there is a woman out there that will give you what you need.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

1. Nope, nada, never, and as you said Chele, not nary nan a one.

2. Men don't forgive infidelity. In my experience, they hold on to that hurt no matter the circumstances. A man could have cheated, been abusive, or done any number of things to basically push their woman onto a wayward di... um, into a rogue cup of cocoa, and they still act like they're Robb Stark taking on the Lannisters.

3. It is fair, if those are the terms on which you entered the relationship. Fidelity is not easy. More people need to realize that good, long term relationships where both partners are faithful requires a lot of work, and that you have to get up everyday and take actions to nurture and protect your relationship.

Earthangel172 said...

1. If you have to ask, then you already know the answer. Next!

2. Is it possible to be a 30 yo woman in 2012 AND not know that men rarely forgive infidelity. ::laser beam side eye for you::

3. My ex-husband was in the Navy and we were in a long distance relationship for 2 years before we married. It is reasonable to expect your gf/wife to be faithful for the duration of your deployment. Forgive her but keep it moving and don't look back.

Bailey said...

1. C'mon really.
2. Girl, you already knew. But let me know if you figure out that time machine thing
3. Your first instinct is your best

Trey Charles said...

great question.

Trey Charles said...

Can I just cosign Riley and keep it moving?

rozb said...

1) No. >crickets<
And there better be a mourning period or I will be spiritually throwing shit at you and your dates everywhere you go until I think you are ready to see someone again.

2) No - might as well move on. Just like physical pain, ninjas have a much lower threshold for emotional stress and hurt feelings than women. Feelings, ego, manhood - everything - gets all twisted up and not even brown liquor songs and extra primo cocoa from you can heal him. You will be hearing about that time you and Raekwon got busted sexting each other for the rest of your relationship. Even if Alzheimers sets in, that will be the one thing he will remember. Even if you beat him at some random PS3 game he will find a way to bring it up: "I can see why you beat me at this Call of Duty: Black Ops game - you stay experienced at sneaking around and gettin' it in behind a mofo's back, huh?" Meanwhile, you are sitting there wondering if it was even worth it staying around.

3) It is only fair if you have invested in the relationship, and the other person is more than just the S/O. I know military spouses who stayed faithful the entire time their loved one was deployed, so it is possible. However, I believe in being informed and ready for this intense kind of commitment. I stayed faithful when my boyfriend had been deployed for nine months. I knew what I was getting into and kept it moving. If your loved one feels like a true partner in the relationship, she will be more than able to stay faithful.

traveldiva said...

1. NO. NEVER. LIKE....EVER!
2. Character ~ get some. You fugged up, chica and were probably looking for any excuse yourself to share the cookie with some other dude. You could always try the slingshot around the sun go back in time thingy if you can find yourself a Klingon warship laying around. Just sayin'
3. I'm not a Marine, but I was an Army Officer & am West Pointer (I have not taken down any Generals lately, so HURSH) - DUTY HONOR COUNTRY and she didn't embrace the any of that. Semper Fi ~ trust your instincts and move on to someone who also  embraces your life, your philosophy, your character.

SingLikeSassy said...

1. Sigh

2. I like the implication that because you forgave him he should have forgive you. No ma'am. Your ish is FUBAR. You better get your exit plan together cause your man is gone.

3. There is a woman out there who can and will be faithful to you despite deployment etc. Good luck.

GrownAzzMan said...

Me too

GrownAzzMan said...

Props for the Klingon reference. Respect.

EvolvingElle said...

I don't need to split my response.  It's never ok to cheat, whether for revenge, loneliness, or from feeling ignored.  End the relationship.  Our problem is that we want to have our cake and eat it, too. 

And has been pointed out here before, ol' girl should have known that men don't really forgive their women when they cheat.  Duh...

CorettaJG said...

Too many military significant others and/or their boyfriend's also getting hurt (beaten, killed, maimed - as a JAG I've seen the cases) behind this deployment cheating.  Especially in the Army. 

Just say no.  It's not worth a life or career.

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