Monday, October 15, 2012

The ITOFTS Chronicles: Really doe?


So very sorry fellas but the stigma is real. If a woman is unmarried over 40, there's a "well, it's hard out here for the professional sisters" cloak that can be pulled out and used if needed. If a man is unmarried over 40, we are wondering "what the hell happened here"? It's one of the few, rare generalities about gender and relationships that tip in a woman's favor and we're holding onto it. The assumption is made that a man has many, many opportunities to cleave unto a wife while a woman (who traditionally does not do the asking) must wait (and wait and wait) for the right man to come along at the right time and bestow the bequeathing and whatnot.

Generalizations kinda suck. But let me tell you why it's relevant here.

I've been doing the Church-A-Palooza, visiting a variety of churches, trying them on for size to see which one will be a fit. I find the older I get, the less tolerance I have for shenanigans (both in my dating and churchification). One mid-sized church in the Northwest quadrant of Dallas County seemed okay. My first visit was a midweek bible study. Started on time, had a lesson plan, correlated a message to bible verses, opened it up for discussion, wrapped with a prayer. Perfection.

I tried the Saturday afternoon service next. I must have missed the memo that the Saturday afternoon service was for the Grown 'n Sexy set. Folks rolled up in there dressed like it was Two for One Happy Hour with a DJ spinning Lil Jon remixes. Date night at the cross, ya'll. Between the offering and the sermon, they had something on the program called "Christian Conversations" - this was basically a free-for-all wherein folks got up and rolled up on other folks to ask their single status, yearly income, and Christly inclinations. Really doe? I attempted to sidewind towards the back exit when I was stopped by a good looking gentleman. He introduced himself as Lionel. And spelled it for me... just in case I cared. Pronounced it Ly-Nell, heavy on the Nell. (Yes, this is me rolling my eyes)

LyNell wanted to let me know he was a good Christian man, 47 years of age and God had not sent him his special angel as yet. I wasn't taking the bait. I smiled, said I was Michele, it was nice to met him and kept inching towards the exit. "May-be I was mea-nt to wait for you, Mash-Ell." Umph. Yes, he added syllables were none were needed in every word. Really doe?

I hit him with the double blink before two women who knew LyNell rather well rolled up on him to see why he hadn't called them back last week. The organ sounded (meaning I wasn't quick enough to escape) and the preacher stepped up to deliver his sermon. He spoke about the struggles of the single woman and how she often allowed sinfulness to overrule her better judgment. God withheld the blessing of marriage from the wicked, he continued. Really doe?

The best thing about that sermon is that it was short. Immediately following the benediction, I broke for freedom. LyNell was hot on my tail. "Baby girl, don't chu ru-un away from me-e. I could be your future!"

Say it with me, now - Really doe?

I had the keys out when LyNell reached for my shoulder, "I'm really a great guy. Come out for drinks with me tonight. I'll even buy. Get to know me."

Me, pulling out the oldest trick in the book, "I'm seeing somebody, but thanks for the offer."

"You aren't seeing anybody like me!"

I couldn't help it, I snorted. "Now that's the God's honest truth."

It appears that LyNell detected the sarcasm and didn't appreciate it. His eyes narrowed as he hissed at me, "You don't know what you're missing out on. B*tch, I'm a catch!"

"No doubt. You be blessed." In car, out of lot. Done.

BougieLand ~ I'm too old for this shiggity. I really, really am.

Thoughts, comments, insights? Donations for LyNell to hie thee to Dr. Phil's couch? Do share...

63 comments:

Reads4Pleasure said...

So "passa" is setting up booty calls in the church? Because, really, a sermon directed at breaking down women  can only be helpful to the men that have shown up to prey on them.  And that's exactly why Ly-NELL was up in there.  Passa sets them up, Ly-NELL knocks them down.  As evidenced by the women that were approaching him, his hustle has (and probably will continue to) work.

thinklikeRiley said...

Not the Jesus Hustle!?
Ly-Nell and dem runnin' game in da house of da Lawd?!
#ExpressTraintoHell

On a related note, I want a t-shirt with ITOFTS printed across the front. People will say stupid sh*t and I'll just point to the shirt. Please and thanks.

OwenCinDallas said...

Isn't there a special circle of hell for people who get all ratchet on church property?
There should be.

MsJamie14 said...

Sometimes life in the Convent doesn't sound all that bad. Boy bye! Did he really call you the b-word?

Shondriette said...

Did Ly-Nell really call you out your name in the church parking lot though?!?! I would have punched him in the throat and kept it moving...in Jesus' name.

Javalicious said...

*snickers*
why you had to be a b*tch though? Okay Lynell, that tells us ALL we need to know.

ShaiUnfiltered said...

I can point out at least five things wrong in this and yes they mostly revolve around LyingNell but the myth that the church is the place to meet eligible people is a lie that cannot be supported anymore! 

William Martin said...

LyNell needs his player card revoked. If he was trying to close the deal, calling you any kind of name other than the one your mama gave you was not going to move you in his direction. #PlayerFAIL
Next, please run far and fast away from that church. There's some borderline pimping going on. I noticed Pastor waited until AFTER the offering for the meet and greet. Oh. Okay.
Chele, we're all TOFTS.

Jubi The Great said...

So much is wrong with this story...LyNell just showed why he is 47 & still trolling the church for new ladies he can hit with those extra syllables. He sucks at life for calling you a bitch, so uncalled for.

sports junkie Q said...

deep sigh...
so much wrongfulness goins on in this situation.
I know there are scriptures talking about thirst but its for relationship with GOD not the person in the pew next to you...

This is part of why so many people are turned off by the church. It needs to be be the point of difference not being the same but carrying a false judgemental cross with it.
Did he even think to find out who you are. There are ways a man, even a God fearing man, could have shown some bare level interest, without being on creep level...

and forreal passuh with the message. We already are hard on ourselves about sin so you just have a sermon that makes single women probably feel worse... have a __/ in the back of the church.

Miz JJ said...

God witholds the blessing of marriage from women who allowed sinfulness? What about men? I guess it is ok for them to engage in "sinfulness"?? Also, has that pastor seen who's married?!

Lynell is a classic misogynist. Preying on vulnerable women who believe his garbage about finding an "angel" and verbally abusing those who see through his bull. Real men don't want "angels", they want grown-up women to be their partners.

ClayJones said...

Forgive my French but Lynell and the church are on some bullshit.

M Dot said...

Sorry that happened.

I've just never called a woman out of her name like that - no excuse for that. He's lucky you didn't introduce him to a passage from the book of Two-Piece.

nylse said...

lol!
did he really use that language in the church parking lot? where is his sanctification???
you're right - doesn't matter how old or young you are - this is not for you.
Happy monday

EvolvingElle said...

NO.MA'AM.

In the words of Tamar Braxton, "That ain't hot!" As has been mentioned, LyNell showed multiple reasons why he's 47 and single.  And as I mentioned to friends earlier last week, men do stupid stuff because there's always going to be at least one woman who puts up with it.  Oh, and the "b" word...on church property??? That is SO not hot... And you're better than me; I probably would have kept heading to the door as the organ played.

Grace said...

Dear LyNell-
Booooooooooo.
~Grace

For_The_Masses said...

That negrodamus (I'm assuming he is black, correct me if I'm wrong) is a player - who is full of himself. Then got to nerve to call someone the B word, he can take a seat with all that noise, that's why he will remain single, he has a problem with women to begin with - his true colors were revealed 

GuessImJay said...

I'm not even mad about the single dudes ovr forty line - LyNell just proved your point.
What part of the game is running through the sisterhood at the church house though?

GuessImJay said...

There should be.

GuessImJay said...

In fact, a business card with ITOFTS that you could just hand out as needed? #win

BB Waite said...

Bless his heathen heart.

cresec said...

The Saturday afternoon service is the Christian singles hotspot? Smh. 

bashowell said...

*finishes cackling* No.  Well at least he called you a "b" right away?  Showed his true colors and whatnot?  Right.

And I flashed back to the Cosby Show where Rudy and her friends went to The Exchange and dude was all extra syllables w/ex-cuh-use me bee-yoo-tee-full la-y-dees...

bashowell said...

*chokes* BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Penny said...

Yearly income?  And strangers need this info because ...???

BAnjeeB said...

Ugh! The "Christian Conversations" segment would have thrown me all off. I'd rather hear the sermon, get a blessing and do any meeting and greeting after the service, if I so choose.

And then with LyNell...It's a huge turn off when someone mispronouces/does something extra with my name that I didn't do when I introduced myself. Just say what I said, it's easy! And then he proved how pathetic he was in the parking lot.

Oh, and then the sermon! Pastor? Pastor. Your seat is right over there, please take it!

The one time I went out with someone I met at church the words, "Yeah? Well I would have just hit you with my car." may have flown out of my mouth before I could stop them.

Good luck on finding a new place of worship though! :-) 

C Nelson said...

I'm mad that he called you out of your name at church. I guess that says all that needs to be said about him and the church, because no church home I've ever had would have let the likes of him be around long enough to date half the female congregation without some pointed lessons from the pulpit. And if that didn't work, he'd have found himself being closely mentored by at least one of the elder saints ... and if that didn't work, he'd have been out the door. Your pastor is supposed to keep the wolves out of the fold.

Leon X said...

Seems to me you got the most out of  the midweek bible study. Would you be adverse to doing just that?

Brenda Kay said...

Why, why, why is it always the men who in one breath are readily sharing their "saved, washed in the blood, sanctified, reverted" status the very same men who are EXTRA DA** quick with calling a woman a "b*tch, ho, c***" when their playa tactics are turned down or rebuffed? Why? 

Nicole said...

Michele, I only beg to differ in that BOTH sexes over 40 are liable to get a bad rap. Dudes like LyNell and his female counterpart, Lynette are the reason why. Let it be known, people, EAU DE DESPERATION IS SO NOT SEXY!!!

Ol' boy LyNell just betta repent!!

Swagatha Christie said...

Mr. LyNell needs prayer with extra syllables. 

aishao1122 said...

i needed a laugh today and Chele girl you provided LOL. Damn, where do you find these people

JoliPapillon said...

Hahahahahahahahaha!

OneChele said...

I've decided that there's more Lucifer than Jesu Christi up and through that church. I shall keep it moving. #ontodanext

OneChele said...

I've decided that there's more Lucifer than Jesu Christi up and through that church. I shall keep it moving. #ontodanext

OneChele said...

Adding "in Jesus' name" keeps it on the up and up. Like adding "Bless his heart" before telling the truth on someone ;)
Amen. 

Earthangel172 said...

I wish I could say I have a hard time believing this but I'd be lying.  I'm single and someone suggested to me recently that I find someone at church. I promptly said "I'm not there for that!" And I'm feeling some kind of way about the MANT OF GAWD preaching about the sinfulness of single women. Sorry but that ish sounds like a setup and I'm not falling for the okie doke. 

I steer clear of events and ministries that cater to one group of people. #NoCountryForHowToCatchAndKeepAManMinistries

CaliGirlED said...

I have a crook in my neck (or crick depending on your region) from repeatedly leaning my head sideways while saying "Really doe"!

This is why I can't STAND church folks! I love Christians, but church folks are a whole-nother thing! SMH

CaliGirlED said...

 Bwahahaha!!! "Passa sets them up and Ly-Nell knocks them down"! Yassss!!!

CaliGirlED said...

 Definitely have to add "In Jesus' name"!

CaliGirlED said...

 If that were the case, then we can assume that's why men don't get married as well. We can further assume that those who are married did not sin. But then we'd all be asses! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

My Christianity is still under construction. I probably would have tipped out before they even grabbed the baskets to pass, because I'm sure the entertainment (I mean) the activity during choir selections was too much to bare. But I definitely would have walked out after the sinful women can't get married BS!

CaliGirlED said...

 In one breath readily sharing = they lyin!

CaliGirlED said...

 *places order for a shirt* No make that several, in multiple colors and sizes!

SingLikeSassy said...

All I saw was this right here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0l5Zs_cxp4

GrownAzzMan said...

First of all, brothas like Ly Nell are killing the game for er'body. Stalker/Player moves in the church house? The B-word in the parking lot?
Go.Sat.Down.

GrownAzzMan said...

Make mine XXL in black. Thanx in advance.

GrownAzzMan said...

Not the punch in the thoat (no that is not a typo) LOL

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

'B*tch'? Wow, the love of Christ ran out of that one pretty quickly.

GrownAzzMan said...

It can be. Just know that its not magic a church folk ain't perfect.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

 That's what I was thinking!

SingLikeSassy said...

*hums while rocking back and forth cooling myself with a MLK paper fan*

rozb said...

Hey y'all! Ahem - first, my husband's name is Lionel - pronounced Ly-nell by family and so must I. But this is where the similarity ends. This church version is obviously bursting with ratchedness and thirst to come out of the front of his head and call you out of your name. He deserves a good old-fashioned bus driver upper cut. x_O

Sorry - but he really does.

Welcome back, Bouge!

CaliGirlED said...

 *lays prostrate before the Lord and dies*

CorettaJG said...

*sigh* Honestly LyNell???

EvolvingElle said...

ALL of our Christianity is under construction! But we aren't so far removed that we go trolling for tail at the Lord's house. Or to call someone out of their name just because they don't fall for some weak game. Chile, boo!

The funny thing is that I was thinking about attending a Saturday night church service here in the DMV...but after THIS story... I'll stick to Sunday mornings.

Whitney said...

I'm sorry you meet some of the craziest men at church *raises her hand*, I believe you do better in *da club*.  Since LyNell was such a catch, go chase the women that were on you about calling, Mr. Catch!  You wouldn't have thrown the sarcasm if he had just let you go.  Amazing....

JojoRaze said...

Your pastor is supposed to keep the wolves out of the fold.

Preach! Sister Nelson!!!

Marioned said...

See you mistake was not lookying ole boy in the face as soon as he approached and say no thanks. Firm but sweet.  He thought you were entertaining his offer and that is why he keep coming and making moves.  Then when you did say no he had an attitude.  The look needs to come early and sy"don start none, w'ont be none'! 

Angel on a Quest said...

And, this shall be my new response from this point forward: "Really, doe?"

Let's talk about dude who was really on his A-game for about 12 days...then hit me with the Adrian Monk germophobia, OCD, ADHD trifecta...and, I'm out.  That just requires too much of an adjustment on top of everything else that's new/changing.

I'll tell you, Chele, at least you keep your sense of humor about these things.

invectiva said...

 Nah, no matter WHEN Lyin'El got the no, he was gonna flip. Guy like that is just looking for a reason to disrespect.

Ondrea Richardson said...

Nope, he didn't call you the B-word. SMDH.

Ithopiam said...

ya see why I meditate on my online bible study- shout out to Hope Sabbath School online hopess.hopetv.org if yall want check them out. Trying to find a home church myself. I would have looked him straight in the eye and said, Sir why you letting the devil use you like this? sad- thats all i have to say.

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