Monday, September 17, 2012

Lesson One learned from #IyanlaFixMyLife- Daddy Issues


Contrary to some (many) folks' beliefs/tweets/moanings, Iyanla Vanzant's Fix My Life was not really about reality star Evelyn and her soon to be ex-husband Chad. Seriously, it wasn't about them. It was about relationships and how unresolved issues from previous relationships (including childhood) set patterns and pathology into adulthood.

I had a pretty good childhood by most people's standards. Sure there was some drama, we weren't the Cosbys (though damn close). But if you asked me before watching Iyanla's show if I'd dragged anything from my childhood into my adult relationships with men, I would have vehemently denied it.

However, as she went on and on about repeating patterns to chase the fairy tale? She struck a direct hit with that one. After careful reflection, with the exception of maybe one - I've been dating variations of the exact same guy for twenty years. What guy? My Dad. May he rest in peace.

Talk about being a Daddy's girl - this is taking it too far. Every guy I've been remotely serious about has had major traits in common with dear old Dad. Top five things - ambition, success, sense of humor, confidence, family. (Not to mention height, hair and general style of dress) What can I say? I love a tall buppie who can rock a suit and jeans with equal panache. 

Now granted these are fairly common characteristics for men to have in common. But they all had the same kind of swag, the same sense of humor, the same career ambitions (though not the same career), have reached a certain level of success and have that dedication to family. It's kind of spooky when you think about it. Additional things include traditional values and gender roles, appreciation for women of all ages, shapes and types, and a bit of old school old-fashionedness.

Problem with this combination of traits in this exact iteration is that it also comes with cockiness, some chauvinism, some entitlement and some marginalization of the woman as her own unique being... among other traits I find difficult to get down with.

None of these relationships worked out in the end. And instead of racking my brains to figure out why? I've got it. Much as I loved, loved, loved my dad? No desire to be married to him.

Now whether or not I break the cycle and try someone completely different the next time? That remains to be seen. Whether or not I need someone different or just needed to recognize what I was doing? That remains to be seen also. Stay tuned. Thanks, Iyanla!

Fellas, do you date women like your mother? Ladies, do you date men like your father? Is this a good or bad thing? No creepy answers please, Iyanla is not here to fix all of us. Do discuss...

90 comments:

@yo_q_crush said...

wow, if this blog isnt the truth I dont know what is...

Ill admit that i married someone who was ALMOST my mom to a "T". Part of why this happened was as I got older I realized how much i was like my dad in sooo many ways and I realized that I needed a similar helpmate, that would not only help me push through the ugly parts of me, but also be able appreciate the great things I bring to the table.

I think the hardest thing for people to do is recognize and come to grips with who they really are (not what they hope to be) and when you do that its so much easier to navigate through life as well as finding that co-pilot that will properly help them steer through the travails of life. As i said before the minute I saw who I was becoming through looking at my parents actions/demeanor/mentality, I was able to deal with a lot of my own baggage.  Sadly because so many people dont have a real relationship with their parents it may be hard to get a proper guage, and alot of people end  up going through life not knowing why they do what they do.

EvolvingElle said...

Not sure if this is related to my dad, but most of the guys that I have been attracted to/dated in the past have been emotionally unavailable.  And maybe that is somewhat like my dad.  My parents divorced when I was four, so even though I saw my dad on a regular basis, I never felt that he wasn't available emotionally.  He wasn't affectionate, didn't give hugs, and didn't always provide words of love.  Since he's gotten older and especially since he retired a month ago, he's much more forthcoming with his feelings and telling me how proud he is of me. 

blackprofessor said...

 Chele, you are in my head!

I had a very similar conversation with a friend last night while watching the show.  I think we recreate the dynamic we saw between our parents.  I am very much like my dad in personality, temperament and worldview.  Yet, almost all of the men I have dated were like my mom and those relationships didn't work out.  I dated one guy who was the complete opposite of my mom and that is the one relationship that had long-term potential.  When I realized what I was doing, I started paying close attention to who I was attracted to and who was attracted to me.  Now I have a pretty good idea of what will/will not work for me. 

CaliGirlED said...

 And I thought Chele had said enough! This right here! ^^^

maxfab said...

I've been dating variations of my dad my whole life, but not in the good way.

My daddy is wicked smart. Responsible. Selfless. Supportive and accepting and has dedicated his life to his family. Those are all great qualities. And if my past partners had shared those qualities I would have a very different story tell. However. My daddy is also very quiet. Too quiet. Emotionally withholding and reticent and unable to verbally express his feelings. He is what we call in Trinidad "own way" - he has his idea of what the right thing to do is and he won't consider any other options. These qualities are not exactly conducive to a productive relationship and of course those are the qualities that all the men I've been involved with share. If I could find a man who married both sets of qualities as well as daddy does I'd be in business. 

CaliGirlED said...

That the show was NOT about the celebrity and public debacle that is Chad and Evelyn's life is the TRUTH! That the lessons to be learned were simply served on Lozada-Johnson plates is the TRUTH!...Do women (and men) who had their dad's in their life have "daddy issues" ("mommy issues")? Yes! Do we all have issues of some sort? Yes! However we should all be able to acknowledge and own up to what are our issues and discover their roots, whatever they may be. Two people may exhibit the same bad behavior but that does not mean that the root of said behavior is the same.

What I know at this point is I have succeeded  in not dating one aspect of my dad and have also succeeded in not being one aspect of my mom. Trying to get to a balance of me is still a work in progress.

Could I use Iynala telling me to "call a thing a thing"? Yes indeed!

@yo_q_crush said...

truthfully thats what your best friend or your circle of infleunce should be able to do... it all boils down to accountability partners, but we first must be transparent enough to let those people in on our mess and give them the right to check us when we are out of line.

JoycelynC said...

I definitely have had the dating variations of my father struggle.  I can agree with the list you named for your own father because I have lived that as well.  After dating a man almost exactly as stubborn as my father, I hit the realization that I am not the type of woman who could be married to my father, much as I love him.  I was then able to look at how the qualities I liked about my father could be manifest in people with different temperaments.  This led to me at least dating a wider spectrum of men who had the qualities I liked but also others I might have overlooked (like being quieter, more affectionate, etc.)  in the past.  These haven't always been successful but I feel I have a much better grasp of the type of person I mesh well with now than back when I was looking for men more like my father.  I haven't seen the shows but I did dvr them so I will get to them this week for sure. 

thinklikeRiley said...

Okay, not to be up in your biz but for the longest time I thought Former New Dude (Derrick was it) and New Ninja (David) were like the same dude. The way you described them (with the exception of Derrick turning out to be borderline spineless in disguise) sounded similar in profession and personality.
AnyTway - now that you figured it out - whatcha gonna do?
*gets popcorn ready*

Jason P said...

I'm the opposite. I've overcorrected. I try and date the exact opposite of my mother. She's not a terrible person she just drives me crazy with the clingy neediness. I date extremely independent women who think of me as an addition to their life not a necessity.
Good stuff today.

tishatweets said...

I think my answer is a little different because I didn't grow up with my Dad in the house. I never felt particularly lacking, though, because I've always had my Grandfather, who is an excellent example of what a man should be, in my estimation. 

That said, I haven't dated a lot in my adult life. I got married practically fresh out of Grad School. I do know, though, that my ex-husband was not (not, not, not) my grandfather. It's almost like I dated (and later married) someone who was the *almost* total opposite of him. And I don't know what that's about. I don't think it's because I didn't have my bio-Dad in the house (though he is a major part of my life now and has been for some time).  I think it's because I sprinted past warning signs and got exactly what I knew I was getting.

Interestingly enough, while lamenting over love lost the other day, one of the trusted women in my circle told me "You don't want him, though. You don't. It feels like you do but you don't, not in your logical mind. Is he the type of man you want your daughter to marry?" 

That last sentence was a game changer. Because though my daughter has a father, she won't grow up in the same house with him. And when I do remarry, I absolutely want her to look at my husband as a man who possess the characteristics of a man she could spend the rest of her life with. 

tishatweets said...

Hmmm. That's interesting. I've found that SOME men (read: some) have left women because they didn't feel needed enough. 

tishatweets said...

Yes! I am a big believer in accountability partners. If can't nobody tell you nothin', you got problems. Lots of them. 

Jeannette Abrahamson said...

I've made the conclusion long time ago that although I had a great Dad, he was not the best husband (or at least I felt) to my Mom.

No philandering or anything like that, I just remember seeing my Mom carrying more of the weight on the family than he did. In hindsight, I knew I couldn't marry a man who would LET me carry most of the weight. But I realized that most of my failed relationships were a cause of me just naturally falling into that role, because honestly it's what I saw.

So I have to change the family pattern. Albeit, i'm late out the gate, but I know better so i'm doing better.

JaymeC said...

My father's name was John. Everyone in my family calls Owen "John 2.0" - I married the more modern, less stern, forward thinking version of my Dad. And I'm okay with that. When you have a good example, why beat yourself up over trying to duplicate it?
Chele, your father was a good man so dating someone like him is not necessarily a bad thing. So maybe if you found someone like in a few ways but different in others - that may work out. Also, if you date the complete opposite all of a sudden how's that going to work out? You are not about to put down Preston and holla at Pookie (sorry for the oversimplification but you know what I'm saying). Anyway, I have many thoughts on this topic. Call me.

Jeannette said...

I've made the conclusion long time ago that although I had a great Dad, he was not the best husband (or at least I felt) to my Mom. 
No philandering or anything like that, I just remember seeing my Mom carrying more of the weight on the family than he did. In hindsight, I knew I couldn't marry a man who would LET me carry most of the weight. But I realized that most of my failed relationships were a cause of me just naturally falling into that role, because honestly it's what I saw.So I have to change the family pattern. Albeit, i'm late out the gate, but I know better so i'm doing better.

LikeLena said...

I don't appreciate you all up in my lifespace right now, Ms. Chele! ;-)
My father though a nice guy, not the most responsible.
And somehow without planning it, I keep attracting guys that want me to be the responsible one.
I need Iyanla to pick out the next one one becuase I apparently suck at it.

Trey Charles said...

There's wanting to feel needed vs feeling suffocated because a woman acts like she'll die without you.

taut_7 said...

i love my mother but i don't want to date a woman like her. she has certain traits that i wouldn't want to put up with in a relationship. out of love and respect for my mother i won't list those traits here but i have looked for women with the opposite of those traits.  

OneChele said...

Good answer.

Trey Charles said...

Really never thought about it until right now. I tend to date all over the map but the women I've gotten serious with in the past do share some commonality with my mother. Thanks Chele, now I'm feeling all Oedipal up in here.

datdudeincali said...

*fist bump*
Props for Oedipus reference.

MsJamie14 said...

Both my father and grandfathers are heroes in my eyes. And both still married to my mom and grandma (til his passing). But they have their flaws like everyone else. My problem is that a want a hybrid of my dad and grandad, but then they also have to come with the corrected version of their shortcomings. LOL. For instance, my mom would complain that my dad isn't a "fixer" so she warned me to find someone who could fix things around the house. So basically, I'm holding out for Superman, which is why I am still single. LOL

But in terms of all the damage having crappy or absentee parents can do to a kid, I don't have to worry about that. So I'm very blessed in that regard. However, my charge is to learn how to manage my expecations with guys, cuz as I grow older, I realize those childhood wounds are quite common and run deeply. People are trying to do the best they can with the cards they have been dealt.

datdudeincali said...

Me too with the overcorrection. For different reasons.

datdudeincali said...

I worry about what kind of example I am to my daughter that will affect her choices in men down the line.
Not sure if I want her to date someone like me. Yes someone that loves her unconditionally but beyond that? I don't know.  I'm a pretty good guy overall but there's definitely room for improvement.

invectiva said...

Yeah, but see... I think the operative terms here are: "more modern, less stern, forward thinking". The way Chele describes it, the spaces where Owen is the 2.0 upgrade of your dad are maybe not spaces getting that upgrade in her choices. Might not be a full Pookie overhaul just to get out of 1.0 of the prototype in a few areas.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

I don't have a relationship w/ my father. Never had. Also had a very ... bad relationship w/ my stepfather. So, bundle all that together, while I never dated men exactly like either of those men, I have repeatedly dated men who were emotionally remote, selfish, and unkind.  Took me a while to learn how to spot those traits (and their indicators), as well as to spot my behaviors that lead me to seek these men out.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

You and Jeannette are preaching my life right now. Lord knows I'd love to be able to pick out (and keep) someone who was/is more responsible than me.  And then let down my control issues to let them be in charge.

Mo said...

This.Post.Right.Here.Today. 
Mom and dad separated when I was the tender age of 2  years. I had my grandfather provide a very great father figure.   My issues stem from mother. I will not go into detail out of respect  & the poor woman is dead.  The positive thing  about it all is if you know better you do better.  Wooooooooooooooooosah!

GrownAzzMan said...

First let me say I don't see nothing wrong with men like you described. Sounds like someone I know well...LOL I do think that I look for my mother's positive qualities in a woman. I don't want the parts that used to get on my nerves but I'm sure that is another post.

My question is, don't we all do this?

GrownAzzMan said...

You struck a note with that coment. I have been accused of being "own way". West Indian mother and all...

GrownAzzMan said...

^^^ Fist bump on this right here! I have learned as I mature that it is far better to be wanted then needed...

Jeannette said...

Yeah i'm getting better at spotting the ones that just talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk.

bashowell said...

Iyanla was speaking truth last night.  But on to your question - I deliberately try not to date men like my father.  He's a good person but there are traits that he has that I do not care to deal with in an SO.  Or anybody, really.  That being said, I just went over my past relationships, and damn if they all didn't all have some aspect of those traits. Oh.

The_A said...

I do a dance every time someone stops to critically self reflect so I'm pop & lockin all up in these comments today!It's not the traits I do like, it's the ones I don't (overcorrecting) AND the ones I haven't recognized (unhealthy patterns) that do me in. Oh, and it's not just a daddy or mommy issue thing, it's the whole kit and kaboodle of what we learn from both parents about who we are, how we SHOULD act, what we deserve, and HOW we deserve to be treated. From 0-8yrs old our tiny brains are busy wholeheartedly & enthusiastically absorbing all these messages like a sponge without regard to the good, bad or the ugly. The relationships we enter into are a mirror reflection of our own limiting beliefs & opinions about ourselves based on the MEANING we assign to what we experience at a time in our lives when we had very little ability to sift out the unhealthy. That's why you sometimes see people who seem to come from awesome parents who did the best they could & they just can't keep it together. Or people who had every reason to be a smoking hot mess who overcome all odds to get their happily ever after. Or two people from the exact same household that are worlds apart. It's a matter of  individual perspective and meaning. That meaning gets written into our operating code like a bug so even if we are aware of it, changing it takes more than just a bit of will power and positive thinking. It takes perhaps goo-goobs of critical reflection and self development over time to unlearn and replace those destructive habits that create problems in our self & therefore our relationships.

Once you shift your own personal thoughts & beliefs, you start getting different results. That's why as much as it sucks to admit, it's never really about the other person. It's always about what's up with me. (LOL I am so fighting my own shadow just writing that one today)

I am and will always be my best advocate and my biggest issue.

"If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do no harm" - Old African Proverb

Ok, I'm done preachifying up in here. Thanks for another great post.

Angel on a Quest said...

See, this is why I think I don't date, because I don't want to wind up with my father, but picking against that type doesn't always get me what I want, either.  This is why I'm interested in arranged marriages/partnerships/relationships, as there are people who can see what I need better than I can (obviously, as I've had years of wrong choices).

I don't have OWN, or cable/satellite TV for that matter, so I've never seen the show, but I did enjoy reading everyone's interactions with it on my TL last night.

The_A said...

Oh wow. I thought they were the same guy at first too! 

The_A said...

No, suffocation is certainly not the business but the song "Die Without You" is everything & now it's running through my head http://youtu.be/NUH6ZBJRDs8

blackprofessor said...

 Okay! I have also heard guys say "We broke up because she didn't need me...."

blackprofessor said...

 I need Iyanla to pick out the next one one- Ha, you and me both!

blackprofessor said...

 This is hilarious!

blackprofessor said...

LOL at pop and lockin!

Seriously, I can't like this enough! I think the key thing you hit on is that from birth to 18 (our formative years), we stew in pattern(s) without recognizing if they are good, bad or ugly.  I am a huge proponent of therapy for this very reason because often we are unable to recognize patterns for what they are. 

Oh, I am so stealing the African proverb!

OneChele said...

Excellent points all, sir.

OneChele said...

I read a book recently where the heroine's mantra was "Men are a luxury, not a necessity." 
Food for thought...

David Chase said...

I do date women that are a lot like my mom. *ducks on way out of door before adding*
But she's a smart, strong, good-looking woman so I don't see anything wrong with that.

OneChele said...

*sends laser beam side-eye*

All Honey said...

*reads*
*reads again*
*draws parallels*
*weeps a little*
When Iyanla coming to BnB?

AminataB said...

I won't say that I date men that are like my father but the way I prefer to receive love from men is the way my father has shown his love for me throughout my life.

MeetCharlieL said...

*snickers* I'm sure he meant to say, like Jayme did below that you are his mama version 4.0?

MeetCharlieL said...

Ouch?

MeetCharlieL said...

Can I squeeze into the Amen Corner over here?

MeetCharlieL said...

*opens jumbo bag of Skittles*

TrulyPC said...

Yes.  I adored him.  He was funny, smart and had the type of personality that drew people to him.  But he didn't know how to prioritize his life as a husband and father of three.  He struggled with trying to balance what he felt was his duty to his mother and his older sisters and it made him emotionally unavailable to my mother.   They divorced when I was 8.  We saw him less and less after that.  
He died a month before my thirteenth birthday.  It hurt us deeply even my mother who still loved him.

After my last relationship imploded I realized that I was dating people that were very much like my father.  I chose to enter relationships with funny, smart and charismatic men that were emotionally unavailable to me because somewhere deep inside of me I was trying to prove that my father could have been saved with more time and effort.  It was hard to accept that I was choosing qualities that impressed me as a child over all of the qualities that mattered to me as a woman.  Lessons learned.  

tishatweets said...

Point taken.

tishatweets said...

Maaaaaan! That is STILL my jam.

MeetCharlieL said...

I should probably sit down and figure out what the women I've dated have in common. Besides general cuteness and intelligence, it's hard to call.

GrownAzzMan said...

Takes all kinds to make a world.

GrownAzzMan said...

"But she's a smart, strong, good-looking woman so I don't see anything wrong with that."

Three of my top five must-haves right there...

tishatweets said...

See that's where I was with my comment. LOL

Jennifer said...

I am trying to examine my "type" versus my father's traits, I do see some similarities for better and worse and need to be more mindful of these traits.  But I have more worry I will gloss over red flags, as I have done this before.  As a result, I find myself second-guessing my picking skills for myself ... but the good part is I ask more questions and am more honest about what is/is not ok for me. 
It's funny, I can pair others up with complimentary folk, but not myself.  I sure could use a matchmaker lol.

nylse said...

I don't know...at 22 when I got married I did not want to marry my dad.  23 years later it seems I married the good qualities of my dad.  My husband has a cantankerous relationship with his mother, yet we (her &I) get along well. I know for sure he didn't want to marry his mother, just the good qualities.
I think we are products of our experiences,  and when looking for a life partner we use the people we know to provide indicators what we think we want.
i don't know how we got so lucky at a young age, and others take a while to figure this out.

GuessImJay said...

I love my mother but I'm dating her polar opposite in looks, personality and life goals. But they get along great. *shrugs* Who knows how these things work?

Javalicious said...

I don't think it's so much that others take a while to figure it out but that for others it takes a while to meet the right person to make it work. At least that's what I think in my case.

Javalicious said...

Right? Sign me up!

Javalicious said...

#cosign
#aswell
#also

Javalicious said...

OMG! Yes except David had balls and (for the most part) better friends than Derrick.

bashowell said...

Well...I mean...it's true tho...

Jubi The Great said...

I'm totally with you on the "arranged" marriage angle. My brother had a semi-arranged marriage - he met his wife's father & her father thought my brother & SIL would be a good fit. A lot of times we get clouded by things like love & lust & we can't see whether or not the other person will make a good partner for us.

Jubi The Great said...

I don't think I date men like my father, in some ways I try to overcorrect on what I feel are my father's shortcomings. One thing I did see my younger self doing was repeating the things I saw my parents do in their marriage. They had a very tumultuous marriage with periods of lots of fighting followed by periods of love & harmony. When I started my own relationships, I thought arguing & fighting is what people did & it took me a while to learn that arguing is not a sign of a healthy relationship. So from my parents, especially Dad, I've learned what works for me & what doesn't.

AppleBerryMIA said...

I'm sure I didn't plan it but I am married to someone very much like my father in the best ways. 

Whitney said...

My husband is very similar to my daddy, wished they had met one another.   Funny how what we received from Iyanla was different for all of us.  My lesson was completely different.  I truly hope the show is a success.

William Martin said...

And thank YOU Trey, now I'm all up in my feelings feeling some kinda way...

MariSol said...

Same here. Generally good looking and smart. That's about it.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

 My own sire set the bar so low that I wonder if "Not an @$$hole" is a
good enough measuring gauge for the dating scene - which, as my recently
married friend as put it, is messy as hell. All these make me less hestitant to venture into that pool the older I become. 

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

 My own sire set the bar so low that I wonder if "Not an @$$hole" is a
good enough measuring gauge for the dating scene - which, as my recently
married friend as put it, is messy as hell. All these make me less hesitant to venture into that pool the older I become. 

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

"This is why I'm interested in arranged
marriages/partnerships/relationships, as there are people who can see
what I need better than I can (obviously, as I've had years of wrong
choices)."

I'm also looking at arrangements with new-found respect, to be honest. Not that I wasn't moved bym y friend's love-match marriage, but the dating scene is just....ugh! >_<

C Nelson said...

*wince.* I did that dance, too. Eventually, I figured out that while I was always going to be attracted to men who displayed my father's better traits, I could refine on that by keeping an eagle eye out for the traits he has that drive me up the wall, and weed out the men who had *them* in perceptible measure. Thus, my husband is attractive, successful, intelligent, devoted, and is good at making me laugh.  He *also* is not passive (or passive-aggressive, which is worse), acknowledges me as an equal, doesn't find sharing housework to be a demeaning thing (my father will do it because it's necessary, but feels shamed by it and it shows) and doesn't feel the need to keep me wrapped in cotton wool. I'm confident that when/if we have children, my husband will be comfortable raising our boys *and* our girls as equals, rather than giving the girls Housework, Purity, and Husband Catching 101 Forever while assigning the boys no responsibility within the home and every freedom outside it.

rozb said...

My dad was the proverbial rolling stone. After my mother divorced him, he would sometimes show up with some random kid to introduce us to our brother or sister, with the boy or girl our age (or old enough to have been "sired" during his marriage to my mom).

I am married to a polar opposite of that, and for that, I am grateful. 'Cause if I married the mirror image of my father, I would be in prison with one of those half-afro/half-cornrow hairstyles with the story of the carnage I caused on a very special episode of Snapped because I found him doing some ratched shiggity and blacked out, killing him and whoever he was with.

CaliGirlED said...

 *stands in line behind Lena*

CaliGirlED said...

 Damn Roz!

CaliGirlED said...

I did not mean to infer that I don't have "wig snatchers" in my life. However after years of giving that power to some of the wrong people, I am very protective of my wig. Accountability partners are different (if we're just talking friends) than a "wig snatching" professional that can help you dig to the roots with some hard core truth. And yes, transparency is an issue for me.

grin and bear it said...

 Yes, absolutely. I want the admirable qualities my father displayed, but none of the annoying ones. But the real question is...can the admirable ones become annoying after a while?

tishatweets said...

"half-afro/half cornrow" really sent me right to the edge. LMBO!

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

 Now, see, that's the hot mess I'm dead set on avoiding. To date, I have no real idea how many half-siblings I have roaming this island (or overseas, for that matter). I know I have no patience for that kind of life. >_<

tishatweets said...

I absolutely agree. There are indeed a few people in my life I'd trust totally to have my best interests at heart in setting me up. Incidentally, when they tell me someone is wrong for me, they're right about that, too. LOL

No comment said...

Funny you mentioned knowing who you are. I told a guy about four months into getting to know you phase that I knew my flaws and knew who I was good/bad/ugly/indifferent and he replied "you wear that like a badge of honor". I replied no but I think its important to know and OWN who you are while pushing through as you said "the ugly parts". What I quickly realized was that he was all about pointing out and harping on my issues/flaws and doing very little about his own. That so did not work for me and it didn't help that we were both the same signs. 

OneChele said...

This is why I tip back over to BnB at night. *sets a little bail $$$ on the side, just in case*
:-)

Nekeisha Briggs said...

I so agree with you. I have a two or three exs/friends who I would always can predict the success or failure of my relationships..I would definitely date who they set me up with, they know me sometimes better than I know myself. I am all for friends picking for us because sometimes they are okay with and willing to accept things about us that we tend to hid or deny for a variety of reasons. I consider myself a independent progressive black woman  and had an ex tell me when one relationship ended "I knew that wasn't going to work out, you need alpha males and dude definitely was less than an alpha". At first, I was offended as I thought that meant something bad, but when he broke it down, I realized he was right..despite my intelligence, love for a good debate, I enjoy being with a man who is smarter than me who has a serious game plan who I can support intensely. As much as I hate to admit it I enjoy some submissiveness in my relationships and the idea of being with someone who can teach me stuff...IDK

EvolvingElle said...

And see, my daddy laughed at me earlier this year when I said I wanted an arranged marriage, and he needed to find my husband. I'm glad I'm not alone.

JJai said...

I'm female and I do this even though my mom was the emotionally unavailable parent. I want to "call a thing a thing" but I don't understand that...

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