Friday, September 28, 2012

Is there a "Wrong For Me" Man Magnet?


About two years ago, I posted about my friend Elise who caught her husband of 10+ years smooching some random chick in the middle of a Buckhead bistro. She also accepted his explanation that it was "just a kiss" and took him back. Her vows, she told me unequivocally, said for better or worse. If that was the worst  she was okay with it.

Fast forward to last fall when (cue the shock and awe) hubby Ben confessed he had baby by Hot Lips Chick and would be leaving Elise post-haste to live out his "new dreams" (his exact words) with Hot Lips. A-ight, you still with me? Not a book plot, actual folks, the drama continues.

Fast forward to last January, divorce is final and Elise is rebounding with a former baseball player who (in her words) makes her "believe in fairy tales, rainbows and magic" again. He was wining her and dining her and whisking her off for marvelous weekends hither, thither and yon. My Red Flag Alert went straight to Threat Condition Ruh-roh. 

Fast forward to last weekend when she calls me distraught that Prince Charming had a multitude of women riding the rainbow and she was actually pretty low in the batting rotation. (sorry for the sports analogy, couldn't resist) Out of all her rants (during which I held back all the I-told-you-he-wasn't-bout-shiggitys), the thing that stuck with me was her concern that maybe she had a "wrong-for-me Man Magnet" and if so, could she please get it removed immediately?

At this point, I imagine I can hear Dr. Jayme's teeth gnashing all the way from my house because she firmly says there is a delineation between the kind of person you attract and the kind of person you chose to be with. In a perfect world, these to things add up where the type of person you want is the type of person who is dying to be with you. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way.

Believe me, I know this to be true. I am a Cap Daddy magnet. Pimpin'-Azz-Grandads in Steve Harvey  suits see me coming a mile away. But I chose not to be with those fellas. I have to deliberately place myself in the path of the kind of guys I want to be with and scheme and plot until hope one of them recognizes all the Micheleness.

What is it about me that attracts leisure-suit wearing retirees? No clue. But what I do know is that just because someone wants you, you are not required to want them back. At all. Not even a little bit.

As I told Elise, if you don't want to be a replaceable ornament - quit choosing these Christmas tree-assed negroes. Christmas Tree Negroes - look great, smell great, you love to be around them? A little bit high maintenance- only there for a season, look different dependent on setting but underneath they are all the same? To reach full potential, they have to be decorated, admired and pampered. Break one ornament, replace it with another but the tree remains a tree.

She said I was oversimplifying and plans to go to a professional matchmaker to help her find her true soulmate. Awesome. But then I thought... who's going to help you pick the matchmaker? Problem for another day.

BougieLand, do you attract the type of person that you are attracted to? And if not, what do you do? Please discuss...

68 comments:

Shahmet Gordon said...

My mama told me that back when I was like 12 or 13 - just because a guy likes me, I'm not obligated to like him ... took a minte for that to stick but I got it ... now, I'm polite but keep it moving, don't have time to waste and don't want to waste anyone else's time either ...

quinne said...

Does she plan on stopping by a therapist before seeing the match-maker, if not she will just end up in the same situations. A matchmaker isnt a miracle worker, they only take what the client gives them as desire traits and uses that to find potential matches.

Her issue, is the fact that she isnt real with herself 1000% on what she needs out of a relationship and sticking to that no matter what. We all have made that mistake of having a laundry list of things we need from a significant other but the minute a want reveals itself that appears to be greater than that ever-so important need, all hell breaks loose emotionally.

If I say I need my girl to love sports, I dont care if kerry washington comes knocking on my door wanting to be with me, if she doesnt love sports I gotta decline. Yes it seems foolish but at the end of the day if she is lacking a "must have" (no matter how petty it may seem to others) and I settle just because she is cute/nice/got a phatty, at some point the thing im missing will end up causing more of a headache in comparison to the momentary joy that the other  qualities may bring.

"to thyne ownself be true"

Jason P said...

Elise - girl damn. Please rediscover some esteem of yourself.

Chele - Christmas Tree Negroes? **DEAD**

Jubi The Great said...

I remember that story & WOW at dude getting the sidechick pregnant. WDDDA?

One of my pet peeves is when ppl say that its your fault when you're attracting random folks into your life. I disagree - you can't control who approaches you or tries to talk to you. What you can control is who you choose to deal with. And on that end, I don't think Elise understands that. Its not who she is attracting, its who she is choosing.

I used to attract the type of man I was interested in, but since my breakup earlier this year my mojo has been broken, something is off. So I'm on the sidelines while I figure out what's going on & why I don't seem to be having any success in the dating dept.

thinklikeRiley said...

Is this the bougie equivalent of Katt Williams " If you attracting aint-shit ninjas, you need to figure what about you aint shit?" (paraphrased)

riley cosigns. And will be calling some a "Christmas Tree Assed N*gga" before the weekend is over. 

Michele said...

I'm in the same boat ... just trying to figure things out. 

Isis said...

I wouldn't say I'm a wrong for me magnet, but I'm a the type of guy I'm attracted to I know it won't work out magne t.Dating stopped being fun for me when I realized I will never have successful relationships with guys that are my type. I don't want to date guys that aren't my type.

EvolvingElle said...

I definitely agree with Quinne in the aspect of settling.  That never works out well.  The fact ol' boy had a baby with Hot Lips Girl....a mess!  And it seems like Elise can't be alone; so yes, therapy is order before she starts seeking a relationship.

And your analogies and phrases- where do you come up with this stuff???

blackprofessor said...

Elise needs to see a therapist ASAP.

Sometimes I attract the type of person I am attracted to and sometimes I don't.  Like Jubi said, I think something is off so I am trying to figure out what is going on.  

Ricki W. said...

I know that's your girl and all, but she needs to get her behind to a therapist.  Forget a match maker.

Think P. Smart said...

She  liked to be fawned over.  But she didn't realize a lot of the time, the fawning is done to cover a multitude is shortcomings and sins.  Further, a man who has a lot of disposable income will 'trick off' real easily.  But a man who is truly interested will give you the things he has in short supply.  For example, a 'baller' can spend money but he may have very little quality free time.  Therefore, he usually likes the chick he's makes time for and spends quality time with.  It's not about the money.  The ones he 'tricks off' with are just some space fillers.  He spends money on them to get them to react as he expects--be 'open and in awe'.  Then he can dismiss him as 'regular' and unworthy of a long-term committed relationship.

Love said...

The way you tell the story michelle makes me laugh lol an poor Elsie I got a friend like her too for the life of me I can't understand why she can't get a clue when it comes to the dudes she date.

tishatweets said...

I do attract the wrong men (for me) every now and again. I'm not sure what that's about. I don't psychoanalyze it, convinced I'm somehow drawing them to me. I understand there's still a choice to be made. I have to actively choose to deal with Mr. Red Flags Everywhere--it doesn't just happen. Can't run around crying "I just attract the wrong guy!" There's responsibility on my end as well. Sometimes we choose wrong unknowingly. Sometimes we do everything in our power to ignore the wrongness and forge ahead because it's what we want--gut instincts be darned. I believe the harm comes in constantly doing the latter without pausing to examine the common denominator. So for me I guess the question wouldn't be "why do I keep ATTRACTING what's wrong for me?" as much as it would be "why do I keep CHOOSING what's wrong for me?"

M Dot said...

shout out to you realizing you have to place yourself in the in the path of guys you want to be with.

And yeah, if the crux of a woman's assessment of a man is "wining and dining / whisking her off for weekends, " definitely a warning sign... he's spending his time with you in seclusion (hotel rooms / out of town vacays) to insure y'all don't run into his other chicks.

CaliGirlED said...

"But what I do know is that just because someone wants you, you are not required to want them back." <<<<<<THIS RIGHT HERE is gospel truth!!!

"...if you don't want to be a replaceable ornament - quit choosing these Christmas tree-assed negroes. Christmas Tree Negroes..."...*hollers*

"...look great, smell great, you love to
be around them? A little bit high maintenance- only there for a season,
look different dependent on setting but underneath they are all the
same? To reach full potential, they have to be decorated, admired and
pampered. Break one ornament, replace it with another but the tree
remains a tree.".... If this ain't a soul searching/teaching message! The doors of the church are now open. Anyone who will, let them come!

I tend to attract "Had-A-Man". I had this, I had that before I met you, and I'm on a mission to get it all back, blah blah blah. No longer taking on those projects.

CaliGirlED said...

"But what I do know is that just because someone wants
you, you are not required to want them back." <<<<<<THIS
RIGHT HERE is gospel truth!!!


 


"...if you don't want to be a replaceable ornament -
quit choosing these Christmas tree-assed negroes. Christmas Tree
Negroes..."...*hollers*


 


"...look great, smell great, you love to be around
them? A little bit high maintenance- only there for a season, look different
dependent on setting but underneath they are all the same? To reach full
potential, they have to be decorated, admired and pampered. Break one ornament,
replace it with another but the tree remains a tree.".... If this ain't a
soul searching/teaching message! The doors of the church are now open. Anyone
who will, let them come!


 


I tend to attract "Had-A-Man". I had this, I had
that before I met you, and I'm on a mission to get it all back, blah blah blah.
No longer taking on those projects.

CaliGirlED said...

"But what I do know is that just because someone wants
you, you are not required to want them back." <<<<<<THIS
RIGHT HERE is gospel truth!!!


 


"...if you don't want to be a replaceable ornament -
quit choosing these Christmas tree-assed negroes. Christmas Tree
Negroes..."...*hollers*


 


"...look great, smell great, you love to be around
them? A little bit high maintenance- only there for a season, look different
dependent on setting but underneath they are all the same? To reach full
potential, they have to be decorated, admired and pampered. Break one ornament,
replace it with another but the tree remains a tree.".... If this ain't a
soul searching/teaching message! The doors of the church are now open. Anyone
who will, let them come!


 


I tend to attract "Had-A-Man". I had this, I had
that before I met you, and I'm on a mission to get it all back, blah blah blah.
No longer taking on those projects.


 

SingLikeSassy said...

Why is she so hell bent on being with somebody? She was married for umpteen years and then jumped from that into something else. Why not just sit down for a minute and see what being alone feels like instead running from one failed relationship to the next?

GrownAzzMan said...

I believe I would try to get Kerry to like basketball a little bit. IJS...

GrownAzzMan said...

Props for the Katt Williams reference...

GrownAzzMan said...

Just a thought but maybe if ol' girl would stop hoping for a fairy tale and focus more on the substance of said men she might have a better outcome.

When they ask for the cause of my death simply list this phrase, "Christmas tree-assed negroes" and the time I read this which is 8:10 am. PDT

GrownAzzMan said...

Katt Williams is all up and through here today. 

GrownAzzMan said...

"And yeah, if the crux of a woman's assessment of a man is "wining and dining / whisking her off for weekends, " definitely a warning sign... he's spending his time with you in seclusion (hotel rooms / out of town vacays) to insure y'all don't run into his other chicks. 

Why is this so obvious and so many can't see it?

Lady4Real said...

"What is it about me that attracts leisure-suit wearing retirees?"<<<<<<<<<Is this heriditary? "Girl you look so good you could spend ALL my pension."<<<<< I've had this said to me and I still get the willies when I think about it, yuck.

I tend to attract men who need fixing up and once all fixed they start acting a fool and I drop them from the team. I've come to the conclusion to get what you've never had you have to do what you've never done. By now I can spot one of these men a mile away and so I start driving 5 miles away in the other direction. If everytime I put water and baking soda together I get paste then obviously water and baking soda make paste if I don't want paste I must do something different. I now attract men who are already established because I put myself amongst men who are already established. Can't catch rockfish if I'm fishing where there's only blue marlin.

Lady4Real said...

girl yes it is

Think P. Smart said...

Because...women want the fairy-tale. And until they've had that fairy-tale crumble a few times, they don't get that everything that glitters is less likely gold flecks and more likely stripped glitter. This is especially true for women who haven't had men doing any significant 'shock and awe' dates.

Think P. Smart said...

I attract Kappas! Kappa of all makes and models. We aren't exactly sure why.

TrulyPC said...

Sigh.  I don't know if I tend to notice the ones that are the exact opposite of what I want more because they aren't it or if they are truly who I attract most of the time.  I had a horrible habit of being attracted to lost souls which isn't what I wanted either.  

Lady4Real said...

Disqus is tripping.
What is it about me that attracts leisure-suit wearing retirees?<<<<Is this heriditary? Girl you look so good you could spend ALL my pension.< I've had this said to me and I still get the willies when I think about it, yuck.
I tend to attract men who need fixing up and once all fixed they start acting a fool and I drop them from the team. I've come to the conclusion to get what you've never had you have to do what you've never done. By now I can spot one of these men a mile away and so I start driving 5 miles away in the other direction. If everytime I put water and baking soda together I get paste then obviously water and baking soda make paste if I don't want paste I must do something different. I now attract men who are already established because I put myself amongst men who are already established. Can't catch rockfish if I'm fishing where there's only blue marlin

Lady4Real said...

disqus is tripping, let's try this one last time.
 "What is it abaout me that attracts leisure-suit wearking retirees? <<<Is this heriditary? "Girl you looks so good you could spend ALL my pension. <<I've heard this said to me and I still get the willies when I think about it, yuck!

I tend to attract men who need fixing up and once all fixed they start acting a fool and I drop them from the team. I've come to the conclushion to get what you've never had you have to do what you've never done. By now I can spot one fo these men a mile away and so I start driving 5 miles away in the other direction. If everytime I put water and baking soda together I get paste then obviously water and baking soda make paste, if I don't want paste I must do something different. I now attract men who are already established because i put myselg amongst men whoa re already established. Can't catch rockfish if I'm fishing where there's only blue marlin.

Lady4Real said...

gotdamn u disqus!! okay long story short, Chele the catdaddy's love the Laster bloodline, yuck. I use to attract a certain kind of man until I changed my venue and what I chose.  you can't catch rockfish if you're fishing where there's only blue marlin.

Grace said...

Le sigh.

GuessImJay said...

*fist bump*

GuessImJay said...

it was all fun and games until the fiance told me I'm a Christmas Tree Assed Negro
:/

OneChele said...

Did you mean to slide that announcement in?
:-)

GuessImJay said...

not exactly, thanks for pointing it out.

OneChele said...

You're welcome. Congrats @GuessImJay:twitter and @JoyGrooves:twitter !

Brenda Kay said...

Congratulations. :-D

JoycelynC said...

 Congrats sir to you and the misses!

GemmieBoo said...

But what I do know is that just because someone wants you, you are not required to want them back. At all. Not even a little bit.

GemmieBoo said...

But what I do know is that just because someone wants you, you are not required to want them back. At all. Not even a little bit. 

EXACTLY THIS!! even when it comes to "good guys" - i dont think i have to like every good guy who wants to date me. yeah, you're great, but you're not great for me. and thankfully, my willingness to wait on the good one who is right for me. THE right one, if you will...

 But then I thought... who's going to help you pick the matchmaker? Problem for another day. 
smh...

Mo said...

Definition of "Christmas Tree Negro" took out all my remaining good  brain cells.

Mo said...

Congrats!

Natasha said...

Congrats to you both!!!

Jubi The Great said...

Congrats!

AminataB said...

I've noticed that the type of men I attract is usually a reflection of the energy I project, specifically how I'm feeling about myself and/or current life path. And I have attracted the GAMUT, from the "ideal" ivy league educated man to the Captain Save-a-Lady. Now that my life pendulum is moving it's way back to my center, which is a place of peace, fulfillment, adventure and happiness, I pray God is working on the man to join me in this space.

Trey Charles said...

You got it in before her October 1st deadline :-)
Congrats bro

JaymeC said...

For all the ladies saying they are waiting or trying to figure it out - how about just casually dating a variety of guys and see if there's a completely different flavor that you like in the meantime? If they're not asking you, ask one of them to coffee and just see what happens. Can't hurt.

Cyn said...

Congrats!!

Cyn said...

I swore off the Krimson and Kreme after I divorced one.

Cyn said...

This is the truth!!! 

GrownAzzMan said...

Science.

Think P. Smart said...

Years ago, my friends and I did an experiment. We were at an Alpha convention event. Who kept finding me? Wayward Kappas. There are worse problems to have but I would have liked variety...

CaliGirlED said...

"Christmas tree-assed negroes." killed me this morning!!! And disqus killed my comment! Oh well lemme just go see what y'all sayeth.

But Chele broke that Christmas tree down though, didn't she? Man!

CaliGirlED said...

"at some point the thing im missing will end up causing more of a
headache in comparison to the momentary joy that the other  qualities
may bring."....You know what! If I were an old lady and this was a Black baptist church, I would throw my wig at you! (Cause I would have already thrown my hat at @OneChele:disqus when she defined the "Christmas tree-assed negroes"!)

CaliGirlED said...

 LOL

CaliGirlED said...

 Smoking mirrors.

CaliGirlED said...

And you stayed with her??? I LOVE IT!!! She gave you truth, you accepted it! Y'all are alright with me! Once again congratulations, I wish you two all the best!

CaliGirlED said...

I attract all kinds, however I am no longer taking on projects. If you are struggling financially, physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally, I wish you all the best but I can no longer do it.

Elise called you crying on your shoulder but didn't like the tissue you offered her.

NTway, bwahahaha again at Christmas tree-assed negroes!!! Must share!

OneChele said...

Alphas. At one point over 70% of the BnB guys were A Phi A. Who knows why.

ClayJones said...

I want to say something deep and thoughtful but all I can think is - Christmas Tree Ass Negroes...
Damn but I know so many of those just for the season bruhs. 

Whitney said...

I have always attracted men that were at least 10-20 years older than me!  It's comical now because my husband and I will call it when we spot them.  Even when I tried my hand at online dating (don't judge me), I would get messages from the older men.  My husband is 6-1/2 years older than me.

Think P. Smart said...

That's because Alphas read. Just kidding except not really.

Sol_dier said...

No I don't. The type of person I'm attracted to doesn't really exist.  
So, I basically just deal with people who approach me and take it from there.  Certain things automatically cut certain age groups out and other things cut types of people out. 

But largely, I try to stay open yet discerning. I've dated people my friends would never have expected me to date. But that's okay. My eyes saw gem, they saw rock.  #shrugs I go with what makes me comfortable. 

EvolvingElle said...

Congratulations!  I love Black Love!

BlackLizLemon said...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/lena4prez/gifs/6a00d83451b8c369e201348750182d970c-pi.gif

CorettaJG said...

I seem to attract the bad boy fixer-uppers and I'm a good church girl!! *sigh*

Eshe said...

I attract African men. I have no idea why.

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