Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Ignoring the Caution Sign, the Red Flag AND the Burning Bush


Bless our human hearts, when we want something - I mean really, really want something? We go for it. Full steam ahead and damn what anybody has to say about it. 

Continuing to pull lessons From Iyanla's Fix My Life season opener, one of the points she consistently hammered home is the destruction you bring into your life when you willfully ignore warning signs. In this particular example it was a fiance who told his intended that he didn't know how to be faithful, he wasn't sure he was good at being married and basically never grew up. When a person hears that and moves forward anyway? It's like sending a big F.U. to the universe. And then to act surprised when it backfires? No judging, just saying: Ooo. Wee.

This is an issue I've seen time and time again. Women (and Men) who see red flag after red flag but keep it pushing anyway. There's a reason for intuition and gut reaction. There's a reason you sometimes get that feeling that "something ain't right" and find yourself backing up. People have to learn to trust that. 

What must be done is a constant evaluation and re-evaluation of your relationship status. A few things - rarely are you going to overhaul someone from the inside out in a relationship. If you don't like what you see from jump, not so often does that turn around. This I say for the Give-A-Brother-A-Break sistas and the Captain-Save-A-Ho bruhs. Not to be harsh but your job in a relationship is not necessarily to save the other person and bring them out of whatever dire circumstances they are in. In those scenarios, the relationship starts out imbalanced with one person clearly in the other's debt. No bueno.

Another thing - if EV-ER-Y body you love and trust tells you something is wrong with old boy/old girl - something is wrong. That Us Against The World mentality is great for fiction, songs and movies - not so much for real life. Now if the haters hate your s/o - who cares. But Grandma, Cousin Ray, your mentor, two best friends from high school and your line brother are all saying run? Run.

And the last thing I want to share - our ever important quote from Maya Angelou: When people tell you who they are, believe them!! I would also add that if people CAN'T tell you who they are after a certain age? That's a problem as well.

There are small warning indicators, there are waving-assed red flags, there are blinking caution signs and then there's a burning bush outside your front door about to catch the house on fire. Don't act (when it all comes down) like you didn't see any/all of those. Either self-correct along the way or admit after the fact that you wanted to do your ostrich-head-the-sand impersonation for a minute. It's one thing to say the signs were subtle, it's another thing to say you didn't put two and two together and come up with four and it's a whole other thing to just turn a blind eye and wish those pesky flags would quit waving in the breeze.

Now in my case, I see red flags everywhere. Probably in some places where there are none. I'm uber gunshy that way. At the very first hint of some shiggity, I'm usually out the door. Let me be honest, I usually walk in the door with one good side-eye on the entire situ to begin with. But that's my issue.

Red flags are not hints or suggestions, they are indicators that something is wrong and must be fixed/adjusted/removed before proceeding. That's all I'm trying to say.

Let's get into it, BnB - why do people ignore the red flags? What's the best way to be supportive when we see friends barreling down the wrong relationship path? Can we resist the temptation to tell them "I TOLD you so" when the mess comes to fruition? Have you ignored warning indicators in your relationships? How'd that work out for you? Do share...

104 comments:

Love said...

I agree with what you said an sometimes when you in love or think you are you have those "rose tinted glasses" on an love can have you blind for a minute til you hit your breaking point an can suddenly see what everybody else saw all along it's alway easier to see somebody else situation objectively cause you not in it lol.

CaliGirlED said...

Good morning Chele! Let me say that your pictures are killing me!!!

Think P. Smart said...

I think there's a push from society to get women to ignore our intuition.  People also ignore red flags because they don't have confidence in their own intuition and opinions. 

The way I support friends who are choosing a detrimental relationship path is to not.  When it's all said and done, I'll be there.  But until then, I'm not going to waste my time, effort, energy and emotions on someone who doesn't have enough SELF-PRESERVATION skills to help themselves.

The last time I ignored the warning signs and went head in was before I knew any better.  I was 20 and let's just say, I'm a month of Sundays away from 20 now.  The situation worked out horribly as they all do.  Now as a real adult, I have a Two Shots of Crazy rule.  That is, show me twice that something isn't right and I disengage.  The funny thing is that I don't always stop seeing the person but I stop taking them seriously which is the precursor to losing respect.  At that point, I'm out. 

CaliGirlED said...

I used to burn the red flags with the flames from the burning bush outside my door. :-/

Of the 3 guys I've dated in the last 2 years, not one of them lasted more than 2 months. Now I pay attention to the yellow flashing lights, proceed and run when I see the first red flag. Even if that red flag only means that we are not good for each other. No longer will I force the shoe that does not fit.

LikeLena said...

The signs tho.... *falls out laughing*


Okay, red flag avoidance is something I used to excel in. Once I decided that the guy was going to be THE GUY, red flags didn't mean dada to me. TO me that just meant I needed to work a little harder and give a little more. Now I recognize that as doing too damn much. If I have to twist around, turn back flips and stick the landing - doing too much.

Cyn said...

Dang Chele, you cut me deep!

Why do people ignore the signs?  Cause they think there is something so damn wonderful about themselves that will make the other person suddenly change all the broken things in themselves.  And I'm not only a member of this club, I'm the president.  With my friends I am the one they can tell all the crappy things their man does and not be judged for staying.  I will tell you how I feel every single time but I will never not be there for a friend and I'm the one who can be happy and cordial with your dude even though you confided in me that he was cheating.  If you like it, I love it. I won't be the one to alienate you and make you hide because I feel like folks stay in bad situations even longer than necessary when they can't talk it out with or be supported by a friend.  I don't say I told you so cause I know I've made similar mistakes.


If I told you all the writing on the wall I've ignored you'd think I was illiterate.  Big blaring signs and I'll be straight up.  When I got married, I knew better.  I was in over my head and too scared to back out and while it wasn't horrible it wasn't what would've truly made my happy.  On any given day I can cry over a Folgers commercial or Dwayne and Whitley finally hooking up.  I didn't cry when he proposed and I didn't cry at my wedding.  I settled.  And dude was the same lazy, lying, codependent, all talk and no action, momma's boy when I left him as he was when I met him.  But all I wanted to see was someone who had to support his mom and sisters who just hadn't had the opportunity to make his dreams come true.  Lesson learned.   Lucky for me, besides being saddled with debt and bad credit,  I walked away easy.  The chick after me lost $50,000 in savings, her condo, her office suite and  marketing biz and her BMW.  Last I heard she was begging him for rides to work at Vicki Secrets.

Now I look for a man's tree to have some fruit on it.  I'm constantly striving, growing and evolving so I don't expect a man to be exactly where he wants to be but you have to have achieved some of the goals on your list and be making moves to achieve some more.  Truth is I just met a good man this time.  I probably woulda been more than happy to shoulder the load all over again cause that's just me. 

thinklikeRiley said...

I QUIT YOU FOR THE SIGNAGE!

thinklikeRiley said...

Okay I'm back. I'm more like you. First hint of shiggity, I'm out.
Life is short. Riley ont play dat.

EvolvingElle said...

I personally think that people are in love with the IDEA of being in love and that causes folks to miss and look over A LOT. 

I use to be that girl-that would compromise certain beliefs and actions just so I could have somebody to take me out on the regular.  Once I realized that I was hurting myself and setting the tone for the future, I grew a backbone and let them go. 

Taking a page out of Paul Carrick Brunson's book, if we made a list of non-negotiables (or non-starters, can't remember his exact word), we would RUN when we saw the undesirables (red flags) in potential mates and not look back, lest we turn into a pile of salt.

Caramel Jones said...

Like you said. People just want what they want and damn those pesky red flags
I know I've stayed too long at the relationship table and see the caution signs because I was hoping
1) I didn't really see what I thought I saw
2) I wasn't sure what it meant
3) Thought it wasn't that big of a deal

Live and learn.

CallmePapi said...

*sighs and stands up*
Hi BougieLand, they call me Papi and I'm a serial Captain-Save-A-Ho offender
I'm trying to break the habit but I keep meeting these beautiful women who just need a little help to get on their feet and realize their potential and next thing you know I'm paying light bills, driving people to night school and solving problems that have nothing to do with me. All of which would be find if it worked out in the end. Never does.
Imma work on it though. They say admitting you have a problem is the first step.
p.s. That first sign is hilarious!

Lady Loves Hats said...

Point blank - we ignore the red flags because we want the outcome no matter the cost.
Like Evelyvn just being determined to get the ring even though she knew Chad would disappoint her as a husband. (Not to mention the fact that she wasn't really ready either)
When someone is so focused on being in a relationship or getting married, there is nothing you can do to stop them. You just have to get out of the way and hope nothing catastrophic happens.

Man's World said...

Bruh - before I met a good one I should've had stock in Sprint I paid so many damn phone bills.
Ladies excuse the metaphor - it's like buying a house- do you want new build still under warranty or a complete fixer upper? Just saying.

Page Bartlett said...

I need you to stop telling my lifestory on here!

Sol_dier said...

Sometimes we are manipulated, 1 ex (years ago) told me about contemplating suicide. I knew it was manipulative but I didn't know what to how to do. 6 months later, I walked anyway and paid for some 'get ur mind right therapy' Lesson: walk away. Do not put your life on hold for anyone, no matter what. + if someone threatens suicide, call the po-po and run fast!

If I see friends in trouble, I find a way to diplomatically say it. If its deep, I'll put it bluntly. Yes, I've lost friends but I'd rather speak up than watch silently as my friend nurses bruises and says : its not a big deal, it was just a little fight' O_O Lesson, friendships are not forever, sometimes your role in someones life ends when you take action to save them.  everytime I ignored my gut, drama visited. - Give the brother a chance choir. I did, dude argued with me and put plastic in my oven!!
- Dude rarely seen around black women asks me out. I oblige. He spends the entire dinner telling me why he doesn't date black women, they can't stir cocoa, e.t.c. I look at my skin, smile and go to the bathroom, never to return.There are many stories... I do my damnest not to ignore my gut anymore

Trey Charles said...

if EV-ER-Y body you love and trust tells you something is wrong with old boy/old girl - something is wrong.
Let the BnB Church say AMEN!

MsJamie14 said...

Now in my case, I see red flags everywhere. Probably in some places where there are none. I'm uber gunshy that way. At the very first hint of some shiggity, I'm usually out the door.

I tend to fall more towards ^ this camp. I'm definitely not trying to save a grown ass man.

And I would totally NOT settle down with someone if my family didn't like him. I get that some folks have hating ass family members that don't really want to see you happy. But that's not my family. They actually want the best for me AND are actually uber tolerant to people who may be down in life at the moment but are still good people at the core. So if they were ever to give my dude the *side eye* I'd head for the hills.

tishatweets said...

I ignored them because I was already in love by the time they presented themselves. Simple, honest truth. And I wanted to avoid the pain of ending the relationship and no longer having him in my life. I sit here today, some 11 years later, convinced that I simply traded one kind of pain for another. 

Now? Warning signs are my friend. I embrace them. I don't seek them out--that's a different kind of problem--but when they present themselves I take heed. While I know that God works all things together for my good, I firmly believe there's some stuff that doesn't have to be added to that "all things" mix if I choose to simply pay attention.

Sol_dier said...

I think there's a push from society to get women to ignore our intuition. <--- THIS!

All sorts of threats are issued to us like : u'll end up alone!, u'll die alone!, you will not have kids at the right time!, people will think u are gay!. As if any of those things are a problem.

MsJamie14 said...

I hated that you had to go thru so much with your loser ex, but so happy you've found true joy. Love ya!

Cassie said...

What's hard to admit is when you cross the line from "it's not that bad" to "I'm going to make this work no matter what" - one is optimism, one is desperation. There I was with dude at my girlfriend's party and he's hitting on her by the cake table. In front of everybody and when called out says, "Cassie doesn't mind, she knows I'm playing." And I stayed with him for six months after that?! Found out later he rolled up on co-worker, church member, line sister. I mean damn! What was wrong with me that I didn't want to see it or do anything to correct it or leave when I started figuring it out.
Never no more. People play too much. First sign of foolery, I'm so done.

MsJamie14 said...

LOL. Thanks for your honesty!

There was a point in my life, where a first date question was "so, have you ever paid some chick's light bill?" I just couldn't understand that phenomenon.

But let's just say, there are a lot of you guys out there doing this. LOL

stlunatic06 said...

 3. !!!!!!

Jubi The Great said...

I ignored a ton of signs when I was young, and I paid for it with a broken heart, & that's all it took. My friends joke that I get rid of guys too easy, because at the first sign of a flag or "something doesn't seem right", I'm done. Learning to trust my intuition & knowing that I deserve better have been my saving grace.

tishatweets said...

I'd add another 

4) I thought s/he'd change.

I think it's important to note that there's a difference between "I thought s/he'd change" and "I thought I could change him/her." The former is a hope that I think is sometimes warranted (people are supposed to mature as they get older right? LOL) and the latter is an extreme act of futility and naivetĂ©.  Both, though, tend to come to the same end.

JaymeC said...

Particularly in the case of women - the sooner people accept and embrace the fact that there are worse things than being alone, the better decisions they will make.

You can only tell a person your opinion in the clearest, most direct, least fingerpointing way possible and then let them decide for themselves.

Michele said...

You would not believe the red flags and warning signs that I ignored (maybe you would) including when my mother said, "You don't have to do this, you know."  That was my out.  If Mama said I could back out than I definitely should have.  But I didn't.  Why?  Because the invitations had gone out and I didn't want to be embarrassed.  Dumb, I know.  Five months later I was pregnant and the marriage was annulled.  That was 22 years ago and I have finally learned how to trust the signs. 

tishatweets said...

Sis. You already know. 

This, right here, though?

"Now I look for a man's tree to have some fruit on it."

THAT will preach.

Think P. Smart said...

I say this not knowing you and being rather new here, but I imagined you walking into a strip club, literally pulling a woman off the pole, shoving her in your car, flinging a book in her hand, screeching off, then pulling up at Everest College.

Think P. Smart said...

Evelyn sacrificed her right hand to get a ring on the left. Never mind she'd need that right hand to wipe tears and sign divorced papers. Her level of damage is so sad...and common. I kinda wanna just let my nana give we a good southern hug.

SouthernWes said...

I've been blessed. I married the first woman I fell in love with and have stayed married to her for years but in watching my friends and her friends struggle, I'd say the common denominator in failed relationships is when one or both parties perceive a problem and either a) ignore it or b) refuse to address it and take action.

ClayJones said...

There's this whole - Life is short, you only life once theory that's great in every area except relationships. When you are in a relationship with the wrong person - life is long and it feels like you're living the same life over and over again daily. Don't be that person. Take the advice of those who have your best interests at heart and listen to what your gut instinct is telling you.

Think P. Smart said...

OMG!! My sister in race-based-dating foolishness!! I went on one date with a Mr. Idont Usuallydate Blackwomen! I was undone. I'd heard these men existed but until it happened to me, I was like, "Naw!"

Think P. Smart said...

I wonder how many people, aside from his momma, told Usher.

Think P. Smart said...

Right! As if all of those thugs are worse than being married to someone who can't stand you or vice versa. I'd rather be single than be married and feel alone, undervalued, and consistently unhappy. There is a huge difference between 'being married' and 'being happily married'. Happily doesn't even mean everyday is rainbows and butterflies either. But I'll be damned thrice over if I sign up for misery.

Cyn said...

Aww, thanks love.  Yeah, dude was a total loser wasn't he? But I can't say he didn't give me some big ole hints along the way.  And yeah, what I have now is so awesome.  Lova ya more, sis!

Cyn said...

Tish, you know EYE know!  XOXO

Andrea M said...

I used to think it was easier just not to rock the boat and go along with whatever. As you might imagine, that shit ain't work out. When you know betta, you do betta.
*crosses arms and takes best b-girl stance*

MsJamie14 said...

Yeah, I really don't get what is so bad about being single anyway....

All Honey said...

Last guy I dated start off with "I usually don't date women like you" Now I was never 100% sure what he meant by that but no matter. Again - when someone tells you who they are, believe that shiggity. You usually don't date women like me? My next answer should've been "don't start on my account" as I walked the hell away. SMDH.

MsJamie14 said...

the sooner people accept and embrace the fact that there are worse things than being alone, the better decisions they will make.

I'm about to make this a t-shirt and a bumper sticker, get me a nice Steve Harvey like outfit, write a book, get me a talk show, a relationship "expert" billing and peddle this as the next gospel of relationships. You'll get your cut. LOL

GrownAzzMan said...

Since I have never ever (ever, ever?) been on the search for THE ONE, I have no trouble heeding warning signs. I did have a brief 'save-a-ho' phase in my thirties but it passed quickly.

JustPassingBy said...

Can I get that third sign in handout form?

Lady4Real said...

Before reading any comments. 1st off, dang Chele, I know we family and all but you gotta be all up in my kool-aid like this, lol just kidding.

2nd (and probably lenghty) The one thing I thank God for is that my father is something like Bambi's father, when I fall all I hear in my ear is "Get up Lady, Get up!!" I can't stay down or I will burn alive, so falling is fine, it's what you do while you are down that defines you. I happily and proudly say that I am 29 with two sons; 11 & 13. I have been married twice and divorced twice and would get married a third time. I am not ashamed of any of my choices, they have made me the woman I am today but only because instead of repeating the same mistake over and over again I was raised to learn from my mistakes and to listen to those around me who love me and who have always proven that they have my best interest at heart. See I was raised with wisdom, so I know every one doesn't have my best interest at heart but once they've proven that they do I should listen to them. I am so guilty of throwing on rose colored glasses or being able to see the warning signs fully but thinking I could change the person and make the signs go away. I wanted to prove to myself and others that I could handle it but I was wrong and they were right. Hey what can I say, there use to be a time that if you told me I couldn't do something it motivated me to try even harder, in some scenarios it worked out great for me; they said I couldn't get my diploma because I was a two time teen mom, I proved them wrong. They said I couldn't get my degree because I was a teen mom, I proved them wrong. They said I couldn't get a good job and provide for my sons on my own, I proved them wrong. They said, he has an addiction and an illness you might not want to get involved in all of that at such a young age and you have 2 small children to be concerned with, I married him anyway and they were right, I shouldn't have. They said, you just got out of a bad situation and I know you have history with him but you don't have present, don't marry him until you know him, I married him anyway and they were right, I shouldn't have. They said, don't make the same mistakes again, take time to learn from the last two, I'm doing just that. They said, take your time and know we are here for you, I'm doing just that. I prefer to get to New York by following the directions of some one who has been there and knows there like the back of their hand because someone who has never left Baltimore can't tell me how to get anywhere. Signs aren't suggestions, take heed so you can go in the right direction.

Lady4Real said...

I think we called that laziness yesterday.

Lady4Real said...

My newest quote is "Call me a spade because I'm cutting all cards." I don't believe in second chances any more. You show me who you are at face value and that's what I'm cashing in on. Don't act right and you will get left is my motto from here on out.

Lady4Real said...

AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!

Lady4Real said...

I GOT BOTH Y'ALL BEAT. I married a man who NEVER dated a black woman other than me. I knew him since second grade, he was my first EVERYTHING, this has got to work. Right? Wrong. The debates, the comparisions and the way he treated me was beyond terrible. Never again.

Lady4Real said...

That's what I said, lol

Lady4Real said...

From one Captain to another my new strategy is to do the complete opposite of your known M.O. Pay for dinner but don't pay for anything outside of a date. They were making due before you came around and they will make due if you aren't around, so let them. Burn the cape man, just burn the damn thing because nothing good ever comes of it. Invest in yourself, family and closest friends but leave these hoes alone, remember what the song said, "Don't save her, she don't wanna be saved."

Lady4Real said...

AMEN! I've come to the conclusion that if I look at someone today, exactly the way they are,at this very moment in time and want to change anything about them I should leave them alone. People are who they are and you can't change them and you can't HOPE they will change themselves. I prefer now to involve myself with people I like as is and if they should happen to get any better than that's just icing on the cake.

William Martin said...

How about the last time a woman asked me to help out on her rent, I handed her my student loan statement and asked if she wanted to trade? Haven't seen her since.
Will is not here for that. Not at all!
#medschoolloanstruggle
#financetrumpsromancerightnow

OneChele said...

I'm too through. I can just picture you saying , "Sure I'll give you eight hun if you knock out this $100k for me, boo!"
*snickers*

Lady4Real said...

I love your comment. Your first paragraph pulled at my heart strings. I have a best friend that if she was judgemental I would probably still be in a living hell but because we never judge each other and we keep our hearts and minds open to one another we have bother saved each other. She just got out of a 7 year terrible relationship and I ended two bad marriages and we both did it thanks to the support of one another. People would be surprised what non-judgemental support can do for someone.

OneChele said...

Girl, not stick the landing?! :-)

Lady4Real said...

"I used to burn the red flags with the flames from the burning bush outside my door. :-/"

Wow, I may have been guilty of this a time or two. Damn teen years and twenties make you Evel Kenevl in these streets.

Lady4Real said...

When you sign on the line for misery you get way more than you bargained for. SMDH

taut_7 said...

great post.

i'm a firm believer in "When people tell you who they are, believe them!! "

there's one thing i do and that's look for red flags. when a person shows you their true character then and you get screwed in the end you have no one to blame but yourself. you're a glutton for punishment. i understand that sometimes your attraction for a person may cause you to miss certain things about a person but that's when we have to trust those closest to us. good post again.

Think P. Smart said...

But how much of it is ego and wanting to be right, wanting to spot that diamond in the rough and be able to say later, with a smile, "It took a lot of work (struggle strife unhappiness), to get here." I think people confused 'work' with 'suffering'.

Troy said...

Not necessarily - you'd be surprised how many so-called "professional women" have lives all a shambles and want some guy to fix it for them.

Troy said...

Man listen...

GuessImJay said...

I think once you get into the business of "fixing up" people or saving them instead just enhance who they are you're not a partner, you're a therapist. I have no desire to remake somebody to suit me.

Grace said...

Plus they 1) Usually don't appreciate the work you put in and 2) Take their new and improved self to someone who didn't know them when they were a hot mess
What's that thing you say about the clay, Chele?

Think P. Smart said...

Oh I do. I see them in the salon and hear their stories and dreams. Basically, they are only 'existing' until a man comes along and takes them out of the rat race.

Sol_dier said...

Is this the landscape for dudes? Dudes gotta play 'dodge the pretty but will you pay my rent woman?'
This cannot be life

OneChele said...

I say I no longer make and mold the statue but if the clay has been fully formed, I'll paint it up and glaze it for the finishing touches. :-)

Suzie S said...

Love it!

Suzie S said...

And the playboy one?!

Suzie S said...

has someone started the praise dancing yet?

Suzie S said...

"people play too much"
Yep!

Suzie S said...

Good answer but we're still trying to hear about that rib story, Mr. Charles.

Cyn said...

Exactly.  Isn't it awesome?  Everyone needs unconditional support and an "out".  Someone they can run to when the picket fence and perfect world come crashing down and they fear embarrassment and shame.  And sometimes you just need to talk it out without making a decision on what to do next.  I'm blessed to have two best friends and a mother that serve that purpose in my life.  I wouldn't have survived my divorce or the roller coaster ride that it took to get me and my love to where we are today.

Cyn said...

Preach!!!!!
Once you know better, you do better! I'm excited to see how wonderful better is gonna be in your life!

Lady4Real said...

I have my bestie, my youngest paternal sister and my older paternal cousin to run to. I am in such a better place today thanks to them. The three of us do the exact same thing for each other and we each have a testimony that one of the others helped to make possible. They are one of the greatest blessings of my life. I asked my Bestie about my current divorce before I went for it and without her I probably would have stayed and eventually died a tragic death.

chrisco344 said...

ignoring signs is stupid, but paying attention to them is easier said than done.  When everything is fresh and you still caking on the phone til the wee hours of the morning, its easy to miss the more subtle red flags.  And by the time you get out of that phase, the red flags don't matter cause  J. Cole said "nobody's perfect but you perfect for me".  By the time you look up and see the burning bush outside, it's darn near too late. 

Think P. Smart said...

Do we really NEED evidence though? I think we wait for something concrete when our intuition is already telling us to run far and fast. When folks are going through their spouses phone records and mail, he or she already knows the deal but doesn't have enough confidence in their intuition to act without concrete evidence.

Sol_dier said...

I feel you.

Black or White I'm reject the 'exotic' vote. I extend that to culture as well. If you keep going on about 'my culture' I just walk. I don't have the time or inclination to willingly debug foolishness. 

Sol_dier said...

remember intuition is a trained 'muscle' part trained vicariously, part trained via learned experiences.

Sometimes, we will get repeatedly caught in the storm, with a lot of hard work + a dollop of luck,  we learn to ride it. 

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

"Now in my case, I see red flags everywhere. Probably in some places
where there are none. I'm uber gunshy that way. At the very first hint
of some shiggity, I'm usually out the door. Let me be honest, I usually
walk in the door with one good side-eye on the entire situ to begin
with. But that's my issue."


Oh Lawd, this is me all day. I've seen what ignoring signs gets you - straight misery. I'm not expecting perfection, but I'm highly allergic to friggery.

Whitney said...

We have a hard time letting go, and when it's wrong we hold on to it harder and longer until it breaks us down.

blackprofessor said...

I usually walk in the door with one good side-eye on the entire situ to begin with. - You and me both!!

Once my third eye opened, I spent way less time in bullish situations.  I am so crap averse, that I will chuck the deuces at the hing of a red flag. 

Iyanla's phrase is my new mantra: A woman's intuition is her power.

EvolvingElle said...

Maybe it's just me, but I could NEVER form my mouth to ask a man to pay a bill... #wddda

blackprofessor said...

 I prefer now to involve myself with people I like as is and if they
should happen to get any better than that's just icing on the cake. - This!

Girlfriend, you have been on fire since yesterday, lol!

blackprofessor said...

 Don't act right and you will get left is my motto from here on out. - This! Lady, you are acting like my twin.

Nandiewe said...

 It's not just you!

TypeALady said...

"What kind of f**kery is this?" ~ Amy Winehouse

If I find myself thinking it, let alone feeling compelled to verbalize it, yeah, no, I'm out.  Life is too precious and mistakes too far reaching to constantly have to give the benefit of the doubt.  I think most people have a general idea of how they envision their lives, but you have to dig deeper and plan for some of the possible what ifs in life (exit strategy anyone?).

That being said, when you CLEARLY see land mines in your dandelion filled pasture of love and run towards ol' boy/girl ANYWAY, that's on you.  Instinct is the gateway to preventing you from FUBARing* your life, listen to it.

*Effiing Up Beyond ALL Repair.

JoycelynC said...

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt so I am guilty of ignoring the little signs something ain't right.  I think that has come from being told over and over again in the past I was too hard on the men when I was in my 20s.  I think I over-corrected a bit but I never stay past the mild signs, once they increase I'm out.  I can't swim so I can't save a drowning man but I can support you from the safety of the shore.   The older I get I find myself repeating the song lines "I can do bad all by myself.  I don't need no help to starve to death." 

Miz JJ said...

My mama always said you can tell some children not to touch the stove because it is hot and they won't touch it and other kids gotta touch it to learn that it is hot and you shouldn't touch it. You know what kind of children (friends) you have.

I have ignored signs in past relationships, but I was young. Now I am in a relationship and I really thought long and hard before getting in because there was on major thing that gave me pause, but I do not believe it is insurmountable. However, talk to me again in two years :) 

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

 From what I've read in comments, it sounded like his Mama, his stylist, AND his fans were shouting, "Noooo! Don't do it!". Which made me go, "Well, fans aren't generally happy when their idols are set to get hitched, but...those were an awful lot of red flags!".

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

 I read in a comment on Clutch that a woman (and just about the whole city)  knew her fiancĂ© was a cheating sack of shiggity, but was still going to marry him because 'she wanted a wedding'. *blink* I am not about that life.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

 Same here. I'd rather crawl naked on my belly over five miles of broken glass than ask a man to cover my debt. I've seen and heard of women barely being with a man for a week, and they're asking him to buy phone credit and whatnot. Not a backside.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

 Someone's been drinking that Fairy Tale Kool-Aid hard!

Think P. Smart said...

Just wanna pop in to say I have never asked and never mentioned financial strains. However, I have had SEVERAL men offer to 'do me a favor', 'help me out', etc. In my youth, I had one go to my rental office and pay rent. Sometimes I accepted, other time I didn't. (And before anyone says anything, accepting isn't an agreement to exchange cookies for milk. Men who want cookies only would expect it if they gave or offered a glass of water.)

Think P. Smart said...

But it isn't crazy. The funny thing is that the women who are waiting on that to magically happen never get it. Meanwhile, hard working women who ask for nothing do.

TrulyPC said...

I allowed for a relationship to go on for far longer than it should have because I had effectively blind-folded and duct-taped Miss Intuition and threw her in the basement.  Only the Lord knows the JOY I feel since it's been over.  There is nothing like seeing everything clearly.

The Bunni said...

This whole comment is giving me LIFE!

The Bunni said...

 Okay??  It's been offered but I've never fixed my lips to ask.

Eshe said...

This post is more "exposing" than I want to be, but if I'm going to speak honestly there's really no way for it not to be. I don't have red flag/warning problems anymore. Once I fully accepted that I have the spiritual gift of discernment, and learned to trust it, I stopped running into land mines. 

Most men don't even make it past the "getting to know you phase". I have accepted that I will probably never remarry (I married young and before I was fully aware). The things that men can mask and hide from most women, they can't hide from me (just because I may not say anything doesn't mean I don't see/know anything - not everything that is revealed is meant to be shared).

I see too much, even when I don't want to. And, yes, the discernment does extend into other areas of my life. Whoever said "Ignorance is bliss" never lied.

tishatweets said...

YesSuh! #churchkick

tishatweets said...

I'm so taken aback every time I hear of grown-behind women asking their man to help with their rent--for a place HE doesn't live in. Like, I know it must happen because I keep hearing it and EVERYbody can't be lyin', but because it wouldn't cross my mind it still blows me away.

Mykeia said...

My favorite saying that I have trademarked (kidding, but I am working on it!)...after someone tells me some mess I say to them:  Did you hear that?  The response is usually, "No I don't hear anything."  My reply, "Well I heard the sound of reg flags coming out and waving!"   
Listen to the flags, they can save your life!

blackprofessor said...

 I had effectively blind-folded and duct-taped Miss Intuition and threw her in the basement - I got a visual of this and shouted. I know you weren't trying to be funny but this is hilarious!

No comment said...

I have had my list of deal breakers/non starters for years and my friends have always condemned me for such so I was so glad when Paul confirmed what I knew to do all along. Everybody knows what they can and can't deal with so no need to fake the funk. 

I am usually one red flag and done which again my friends condemned me for so last yr I overlooked some red flags because after all according to my friends " I am hard on the brothers" well yeah let's just say I am going back to being "hard on the brothers" if you will. I am not here for games and drama my patience isn't here for that. 

No comment said...

I am that friend as well and I will take it a step further I will side with the men when I feel they are right and my friends then in turn get mad at me but they will deal. 

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