Thursday, September 20, 2012

Girls who Let Go of the Fairy Tale when Prince Charming is not Enuf...


Cinderella, Love Jones and other perfectionist portrayals of "happily ever after" have us twisted up the game, yo. I mean, I write relationship fiction, I know how powerful that vision of two people walking off into the sunset vowing to stay by each other's side through thick and thin can be. They made it through the struggle and now everything is going to be alright... forever!

As we continue with the lessons from Iyanla's Fix My Life, it was fairly evident that one huge problem was that Evelyn wanted the fairy tale no matter the cost. She wanted the blingy husband, the dream wedding, the lush honeymoon, the happily ever after and the prestige of being able to say "this is mine, don't you wish you could get like me." Having to walk away from that had to smart more than a little bit.

I know this feeling all too well, I know how hard it is to let go of the fairy tale. *pulls out pop-up pulpit*

So much of what goes on in a relationship is in our heads. The line between thought, word and deed gets a little blurry from time to time. One of the things that is very hard to do is to keep your mind and heart from running away with you when you first meet somebody that's attractive to you on multiple levels. Lord knows, if I allowed myself to do so, I could visualize the next twenty five years with a dude I've only had two coffees with.

Imagination, pre-programming and wishful thinking are a bitch to overcome when you want some piece of the fairy tale. And by the fairy tale, I'm referring to the promise of a glittering future where every day is better because you've got the right person by your side.

How often have I sat beside a dude knowing on one hand that it wasn't working out, we were not going to make it but on the other hand saying well what's the harm in waiting a little while longer, let's just see how this plays out. Seriously, I've had a tougher time figuring out how to tell other people we've broken up than actually breaking up with the person. This is now known as Resistance to Letting Go of The Fairy Tale syndrome. RLGFT. I need to start a support group, you don't hear me though...

Most of the time, if the relationship is going well for a month or two? In my mind, I've already exchanged vows at noon on the beach in Maui, I've already bought the house, opened up all the purple crystal and combined the 401(k)s. I have to literally re-train my brain to slow it down, pump the breaks. Sad to say the hardest part of the majority of my break-ups has been getting past the "so dammit, I guess this really isn't going to happen" hurdle in my mind.

We were talking about it the other night on Twitter. It's not just admitting failure because failure happens, it's having to press pause, rewind and start over on the dream you thought you were close to achieving that wears you out. This is what's hard about getting back out there. Ugh. The thought of going through all the initial yada-yada and building another castle in your head with a new prince... exhausting.

How does it happen, Chele? How do otherwise brilliant women get caught up the fairy-tale-itis of it all? Hmm, well in the words of the prophets Boyz II Men from the Book of Uh-Ahh "Infatuation, Lust and a Lot of Love" to start with. Throw in Disney influence, gender programming, societal influence and some intangibles and there you go. It happens. Someone pass me the pixie dust to fix it all.

Not too many questions today except... can I get a witness? If any out there knows what I'm talking about raise your hand? Oh and fellas - do you do the fairy tale thing too or is that a "girl thing"? Please discuss...

105 comments:

CaliGirlED said...

*raises hand rocks back and forth*

"Most of the time, if the relationship is going well for a month or two?
In my mind, I've already exchanged vows at noon on the beach in Maui,
I've already bought the house, opened up all the purple crystal and
combined the 401(k)s. I have to literally re-train my brain to slow it
down, pump the breaks."....Then he does/says something, it all comes to a screeching halt and I'm filing for fairytale divorce. Le Sigh

Brittany Geneva said...

Wow! You took my thoughts and perfectly expressed them in this post. This JUST happened to me and I can completely relate to the 2 coffees/planned our life thing. I recently met a guy who seemed perfect and I had our lives all worked out in my head, then he ended up being the biggest a-hole, had a girlfriend and was trying to make me his side chick. And now I feel like I don't feel like dating anyone for a while because I don't want that build up/let down thing to happen again.

Jason P said...

Guys do this too but differently. I can meet a woman and imagine her naked in about 30 seconds but I sense you're looking for something deeper here? :)

Guys do know right away if you are a contender for the Mrs. role. And once we think a woman is a contender, we do get pissed if something happens to mess that up. Contrary to popular opinion, most of us don't like having to get back out there and start over either.

Gods_Man said...

Another thing that feeds into this is inertia.  A young lady that my wife and I have been mentoring has been with a young man since high school.  She is now a senior in college and is not sure where things are headed.  They have been together so long that she can't see beyond being with this guy forever.  This is despite that fact that he is not talking about taking the next step and any conversation about it is initiated by her.

I wish that this was an isolated situation...

thinklikeRiley said...

How you hating on Mulan and Tiana tho?
I'll be back with something more intelligent to say after my coffee.

EvolvingElle said...

Get.Out.My.Head.

Growing up, I knew that by 28, I would be married with at least one kid, living in a house with a dog and a white picket fence.  And you could not tell me any differently.  I gave up on that dream about a year ago (when I turned 29 -_-). 

In any event, this goes back to what I said yesterday- We love the IDEA of being in love.  We make unnecessary sacrifices whether it's too appease family and friends or because we feel like no one else is going to cross our paths or because we don't want to start over anymore.  For awhile, every dude I dated I looked at as marriage material.  Not no mo'.  I would like to think that the good Lord has my husband out there somewhere for me; I'm just not stressing about it anymore.  

Think P. Smart said...

I don't start thinking about pew bows in month two.  However, once I know the dude is thinking about forever, I force myself to do it too with the same 'wait and see' attitude you wrote about.  I think he's a good dude and maybe, just maybe, I'll feel as strongly about him as he does about me.  Or maybe, just maybe this is as good as it gets and me wanting more is just me living in a fairytale, being ridiculous, etc. 

With regard to Ev, I think her issues go beyond the 'stuff'.  It seems like she wanted the world to know that Chad could have anyone and he chose her.  He loves her.  Of all the women he dipped his 'member' into, he chose her to officially be with.  And if hers is a father issue, she was showing the world that while her father didn't love mom and her, she (Ev) can get a better man to love her. 

blackprofessor said...

Guilty as charged in my younger years.  As I age and become less tolerant of bull, I am the complete opposite of this.  If I make it to 3 months with a guy, that is a good sign.

The main thing I have learned is to look for the alignment between a man's actions and words.  When I was younger, I believed a man's word despite his actions saying the opposite.  Now if the alignment isn't there, I back up and reassess the situation. 

Chele, have you tweeted Iyanla about this week's posts? I think she would love to know how her show prompted such thought-provoking and reflective posts regarding relationships. 

Andrea M said...

*puts Anita Baker's Fairy Tales on repeat for the room*
Girl - you are preaching this week! And these arrows are starting to sting!

I am a sucker for already getting to that happily ever after dream after a date or two. My girlfriend is the same way, she says "i've known this guy for a month and I have the dress picked out already" -it's an affliction!

I have to remind myself to take it one step at a time. But it's hard out here for the dreamers.

Diana said...

b/n Disney and Rom-Coms, I find myself waiting for the instant connection that can't be broken.
With all the "relationship advice" we're subjected to I'm expecting all these magical moments leading me to that perfect future.
In real life, it's just hard to even find a Prince Charming let alone vibe with him enough to get to the glittery future.
As you say, Le Sigh.

EvolvingElle said...

"The main thing I have learned is to look for the alignment between a man's actions and words. When I was younger, I believed a man's word despite his actions saying the opposite. Now if the alignment isn't there, I back up and reassess the situation."  

This thang right here....Story of my life!

Mr. Skyywalker said...

in the words of the prophets Boyz II Men from the Book of Uh-Ahh
** DEAD **

Yes. Guys do this too. Not in as much detail as ladies and usually not as quickly but yes.

Jubi The Great said...

I wrote a piece on my blog a year or so ago called "Letting Go of the Fantasy" that was abt this same thing. My last ex, I just KNEW we were meant to be together. Both of us bought into the fairytale aspect of our relationship - friends for years, long distance love, etc & after the first time we dated I could not let all of that go. Which led to the second time we dated & after seeing it crash & burn did I finally realize that the fairytale only worked out in my head. The actual real-life ppl we are now was never gonna let that fantasy come to life, and that's definitely for the best.

Can someone tell me how NOT to fall into the fairytale thing with a guy? I think I'm always gonna be doomed on that front cause I'm a stereotypical sentimental emotional Cancer. *sigh*

ClayJones said...

Let me first say, you are doing something quite extraordinary this week. You say you aren't a relationship expert and this ins't a relationship blog but you are knocking it out the park by giving us secarions that make up stop and think about our own situation. Thank you.

Next - as much as women hate hitting reset? Men hate it 100x more. Not to overshare but when we find a woman that we can talk to, hang out with, show off, vibe on and we've got the cocoa just like we like it? Who wants to give that up? Men have put up with all manner of shenanigans to not have to re-explain why they keep one sock on and lean to the left during crucial swirl moments. Just saying.

I'll let myself out.

EvolvingElle said...

I personally think that a lot of "men" issues that arise with women stem from "daddy" issues.  *Looking for love in all the wrong places* 

OneChele said...

"keep one sock on and lean to the left"? Yes sir, you have just crossed the overshare line. See you back here tomorrow... 
*closes door gently behind Clay*

TypeALady said...

*waves imaginary handkerchief and shouts "Preach Pastor Chele!"

Been there, done that and learned not to to do it no mo'...the end.

*slips $50 into the collection plate, another $20 for the building fund and patiently waits for altar call for reformed Disney Princess wannabees*

JaymeC said...

One way to control those technicolor sunset fantasies is by setting up regualr relationship checkpoints for yourself and your potential/current s/o. There need to be times where you sit quietly and review what's working, what isn't and what's next. Give yourself a relationship report card. Assign a point total to the things that are important to you like communication, cocoa, contentedness, commitment, etc. Trust me, if you see a bunch of failing report cards in a row, you'll see the whole picture and quit building that castle in the sky. Well, unless you're one of the people from yesterday who ignores the red flags and then well... that's a different story.
:-)

bashowell said...

Definitely been there.  Multiple times.  But once I passed 30 and had a few "lessons" under my belt, I was good w/that.  Now I might be too cynical for my own good.  Might be.

Annette Kendall said...

On the one hand, there's nothing wrong with being a hopeful romantic and seeing a bright future ahead. On the other hand, there is letting the promise of that future obsure the reality of the present. I've lived it and I never overcame it. I just met someone who fulfilled all the promise. I'm blessed.

Sol_dier said...

hand raised for old times sake. This is no longer my portion and may we all leave it behind.

GuessImJay said...

Time for the Bougie Brethren "You Know That's Real" Fist Bump Meeting
*bump*

Mo said...

Great post! Yes, I  know WELL what you are talking about...I will  just sit back  and read.

I Am Me said...

Last woman I dated, I just knew she was it. And I promise I already had her ring and our house picked out in my head. Trust and believe when she showed her true colors I don't know if my heart was broken so much as my dreams were shattered. I was more angry at letting that dream go than her when you got down to it. So yeah, I feel you. But the world tells me that I have it easy and just should be able to walk outside and replace her with two dozen better women eager for my company? Don't get it twisted, it's hard for everybody.

Think P. Smart said...

People purposely don't do these things for fear that the results will force them to acknowledge that the relationship isn't a long-term or perfect one. I have watched friends openly say they won't have certain discussions prior to marriage because it will stop or slow their progression to the goal: a fancy reception and shiny life.

Lady4Real said...

*Shakes tamborine* CHURCH!!!! Thanks to Disney, gender programming, societal influence, the Cosby show and my love of love I done dealt with my fair share of tomfoolery and still have to go to support meetings to stay the hell away from Disney and their damn fairy tale bs.

Seriously though I think at the end of the day if we could learn and understand that love doesn't have to be romantic or from the opposite sex the sooner we will value family, friends and self. Ladies are afraid of dying alone without a man there but what about your best friend, closest sibling, or favorite auntie being right by your side? I'm in love with love but all forms of love so as long as somebody loves me I'm fine and somebody will always love me because I WILL ALWAYS LOVE MYSELF, Disney make a movie about that!

Lady4Real said...

The doors of the church are now open. Will you come? We have ministers that will pray with you, don't be ashamed Disney Princess wannabees, the Lord has a word for you. Will you come?

MsJamie14 said...

OMG. Same here. I've had friends witness clear ratchet behavior and straight up say "I'm not gonna leave him though cuz I want to be married and have kids..." O_o. But as Kevin Hart says the time always comes where "you gonna learn today!" I just don't see why folks proceed when they (secretly) know it's gonna blow up in their face!

Excellent tip, Dr. Jayme thank you!

MsJamie14 said...

OMG. Same here. I've had friends witness clear ratchet behavior and straight up say "I'm not gonna leave him though cuz I want to be married and have kids..." O_o. But as Kevin Hart says the time always comes where "you gonna learn today!" I just don't see why folks proceed when they (secretly) know it's gonna blow up in their face!

Excellent tip, Dr. Jayme thank you!

Lady4Real said...

Hello, my name is Lady and I am a reformed fairy tale addict. Believing in fairy tales got me two terrible husbands, two easy divorces and a lot of lessons learned. First hubby was youthful revolt, I ain't that young no mo' so lesson learned. Second hubby had Disney written all over; friends since 2nd grade, my first EVERYTHING, forbidden love, long distance, betrayal, forgiveness, break-up, became friends, still in love, can't fight the feeling, get back together, get married, have our family together as we imagined when we were children, and off into the sunset to live happily ever after and to be in love 'forever always' (this was our catch phrase, we had it engraved in our wedding bands, on our wedding album and on our wedding DVD). In reality our first month together I should have pressed the stop button, said, "This ain't no damn Disney movie" and thanked him for being my friend and for the past that we shared but there was no way a future could happen for us. We may have history but there's a reason we had history and not present or future.

I'm currently talking to a guy, I do have history with him so I am being uber cautious but the one thing I am focusing on is doing the complete opposite of everything I've ever done in the past. I refuse to put on my rose colored glasses, I refuse to write a fairy tale in my mind and I am taking every dayone at a time. It's very hard to do these things but they are helping me and so far this relationship is going pretty smoothly. I also have surrounded myself with fact checkers, I check in with my family and friends that know me best and get a report card, it's keeping me level headed and helping me stay out of fairy tale land.

Jubi The Great said...

That was my struggle with the last one - we'd gotten to the family introductions part & I'm still getting "How's So-and-So?" questions :-(

blackprofessor said...

 This is an excellent idea!

Lady4Real said...

Enough nightmares balance out those dreams, at least for me it did.

Jubi The Great said...

I wonder how much of that is women settling because society tells us that woman is nothing until she's chosen to be some man's wife, and becomes a mother. So many women put up with any & everything cause society says its better to be abused, cheated on, etc within a marriage than remain single & *gasp* be an old maid.

GrownAzzMan said...

I'll take the last one. It very well be a girl thing. I can state for the record I have never felt any of the things you describe. Nor can I remember any of my male friends expressing anything like it...

Lady4Real said...

I've decided to take an employers approach to dating; "90 days probation", if at the end of 90days I haven't had to discipline you, you haven't been tardy and you've performed your duties as outlined in your interview I may hire you for long term relationship employment, however I am an "At Will" employer so if at any time during this employment I am not happy with your performance you will be fired and if at any time you no longer want to be employed you may quit. If in your 90days there is any bull you will be immediately let go and may not reapply.

Charla said...

Well, I've been with the same person since I was 22 and we're getting married in February. I have no idea what to say in these converstions about multiple relationships; I only know about Greg. LOL I do admit to fantasizing about the whole fairy tale ending thing when I was girl, but I never really thought it would happen like that or had the expectation it would. I can say my dreams got extra traumatic as I got older and I still ended up with my prince. SMH I know damn well it wouldn't happen in real life. Dreams on some soap opera ish. LOL

MsJamie14 said...

((Hugs))
 
Yeah,my poor family. I just stopped telling them about my dating life all together. It's not pathetic or anything, they just get so excited, then sad when another one bites the dust. I'm just gonna save them the trouble. LOL

Jubi The Great said...

See I was the opposite, I never told my family abt a guy cause they didn't stick around long anyway. This last one tho, I thought he was THE ONE & I gushed to everyone :-( . I'm going back to keeping my mouth shut.

Lady4Real said...

My little brother graduated from college May 2011. He dated the same young lady from his freshmen year up until after graduation. She will graduate this year. They have two different career paths, family goals and life desires. They have seen each other through many things but they were growing apart. Their career paths would call for someone to sacrifice and possibly derail their dreams. He started noticing other girls and wondering about them but still in love with his girlfriend. He didn't want to break up because of their time and experiences but after a long heart to heart with me he realized that life is seasonal and sometimes our season with someone must come to an end. They broke up back in May, she is still struggling with it but they both agree that it was the best thing for the both of them. Longevity and history are hard to let go of but nothing last forever.

Sarah Hinz said...

Oh so true!  I have done this in my past but am getting better at NOT doing it and also not continuing to date someone that looks good on paper even though I know we aren't a good match. 

I love reading your posts.  They hit the mark every time!

Sol_dier said...

This.
We are letting a bunch of statements made eons ago by people in positions of power, dictate our expectations and outlooks. Its hard for everyone. Men and Women. 

Sol_dier said...

Listen, I learnt vicariously via my older sis, she told mum everything. cool right? till they had an arguement. 
You did not want to hear the ish that came out of mum's mouth. urrgh so I shut the heck up.

I let my guard slip once, in my 20's by letting her answer my phone when my date called to give me meeting directions. 2mins later, she had his surname and was tracing his lineage. Nuh Sir Never again.

No details, no nothing. I told her, if I ever decide to jump the broom I'd possibly elope and send a postcard. 
I've been engaged, she had no idea. 

OSHH said...

I think the antidote is learning to stay in the moment, and seeing people for who they are showing you they are and then acting accordingly, not on what we wish it was or think it could be. but for what it is. As flighty and imaginative as I can be, it serves me best to stay grounded when getting to know folk, discerning and determining if they are the right someone whom I can move forward with.

Regina said...

*Raising my hand because I know that which you speak*

This --> "How often have I sat beside a dude knowing on one hand that it wasn't
working out, we were not going to make it but on the other hand saying
well what's the harm in waiting a little while longer, let's just see
how this plays out."  is me right now. Or was me about a month ago before I finally called for a break in my 3 1/2 year relationship, which eventually led to the break up two weeks ago.And I met my boyfriend at the church I joined when I moved to my current city four years ago. I can't tell you how awkward that has made this breakup. You meet a guy at church, under the "it was fate"-like circumstances we got together, and it just HAS to work, right? Well it wasn't. And hadn't been for well over a year. But I kept holding on, things would turn around sooner or later, we can get married and get a house and have those babies as soon as X, Y, and Z happens. Well, they didn't happen, and a whole bunch of funky attitudes and arguments and cold interactions came instead. Yes, I did want my damn fairy tale. But the real truth was that I was scared. Scared to pull the plug and admit I'd been wrong about choosing to be in this relationship so long. Scared of starting over and seeing what else might be out there, if there was anyone else for me or would I be alone for the rest of my life (I'm still a couple years from 30, but the thought of loneliness will make one overly dramatic, lol). Scared that I'd have to change my church membership and lose some of the friends I've made here because it would be too awkward, there would be too many voices questioning why this happened and urging us to get back together. Well, now that we've called it quits, I'm actually okay. More than okay, happy. Now I'll probably have a minor meltdown through the holiday (*cough* handcuffing *cough*) season without a boyfriend. But I'm not afraid of what's next. I'm hopeful for better, greater, and happier.

Trey Charles said...

Am I late?
*fist bump*

ClayJones said...

If you could see what I ALMOST commented...

Cocoa Winston said...

I'm living this right now. Just figured this relationship ain't gonna do what I need it to do and before I call it a wrap, I have to reconcile the reality of the situaiton with what I thought it was going to be . And then I gotta tell everybody. And stop thinking about registering at Macy's. Wooooo.

Cyn said...

You just gonna keep putting my business in the streets this week, huh?
I'm a die hard romantic.  I envision and fantasize about how awesome the future is gonna be all the time in all facets of life.  When I was going through my reconciliation with my hubby and I was back at my mom's and he was at his mom's (code for new girlfriend) I'd remember everything different.  We were gonna get through his cheating and laziness, be stronger and better than ever, it was gonna be beyond fairy tale.  The he'd come over and within 2.5 seconds of looking at him I'd remember that I can't stand his ass and he ain't ever gonna change.  Rinse and repeat at least a handful of times before I gave up.  Giving up and telling everyone my marriage was over was perhaps the hardest.  Giving up the dreams of where I saw myself and how I saw my life and family was hard. 

I still day dream and fantasize but I remind myself to be realistic and enjoy each moment as it comes.  As much as I see a future and am building one with my current honey, I just focus and savor each wonderful moment.  Tomorrow isn't promised.  Oh, and pin all my dream weddings gowns on Pinterest.  ;-)

derek love said...

I don't think guys so much create a fairy tale as much as we set an expectation fairly early. Like someone said below, within a short itme we know if this could shift into that "go that distance" category and if we're grown, we start acting accordingly. When that dynamic shifts, it takes a minute to go back to the starting position

thinklikeRiley said...

It's not that guys don't believe in romance and all that ish, it's that we don't bank on it or live for it or breathe it in like all lot of the ladies seem to.

That's one reason we ain't about all those romantic-assed films - in real life ain't no streetwalker bagging a gajillionaire and riding off to the sunset. That's on some old boolshyt.

Thing is we like what we like and when we get it, we're done. When it's gone we mad cuz we gotta go get it agin or find something like it. Shoooot. That's like work.

Reads4Pleasure said...

 Naw, it's not a girl thing. I feel like I'm the only chick that's never been on the Disney princess schtick.  Never dreamed about getting married, having kids, big house, etc.  Wonder if my princess clock is broken or maybe it just doesn't exist.

OneChele said...

OMG with the Pretty Woman Recap: 
ain't no streetwalker bagging a gajillionaire and riding off to the sunset. That's on some old boolshyt
BWAHAHA!

Cyn said...

Amen.  I'm blessed.  I'm glad God looks out for babies and fools cause left to my own devices who knows what kinda loser I woulda picked next.

Cyn said...

Don't just hope, expect.  That's what we need to be expectant about- better, greater, happier.  Not the white picket fence and gorgeous wedding.  

Rob said...

Yessir.

bashowell said...

Can we get a worksheet or something?  For...research purposes and whatnot.

Page Bartlett said...

My problem is not the fairytaleitis right now, it's the rampant cynicism. Right now I'm taking nothing at face value, no giving th beneft of the doubt, not expecting more that what comes out of his mouth in the next minute and that I don't half believe. If I was writing for Disney, I'd have Cindy accidentally back the carriage over the glass slipper AND Sir Charming on her way out of town.

OneChele said...

*snickers* Well, I've been there too. Not the shoe though. Don't get mad at the shoe. :-)

tishatweets said...

"Guys do know right away if you are a contender for the Mrs. role."

I wish more of us (women) understood this. I'm CLEAR now. Wasn't always. 

Duchess K said...

Gurrrrlllll... I have been there twice before and banished myself after the last time. I thought I had bagged a princess that turned out to be a liar and a thief. I stopped living in forever-never land and magically things have improved. People show you who they are you just have to be willing to believe them. Disney gets in your spirit even when you don't think it has and makes girls that become women that you need to shed some tears over your women and surrender your soul and body for them. I am not about that life any longer. This is why if I ever have a child especially a girl we will have some discussions regarding the Disney characters.

tishatweets said...

"and he was at his mom's (code for new girlfriend)"

Cyn. Cyyyyyyyyyyn.

Gotdangit. 

Chree Carr said...

This was me all day, except I wanted to be engaged by 30 (which I turn in a month).  I thought I was almost there, until my guy and I broke up a few days before our two-year anniversary.  Besides being heartbroken all I could think about was starting over. 

Now that I've had time to reflect, I realized that I'm happy he didn't propose because there were signs that we would have major problems down the line.  I was just too ambitious in having my dreams met that I chose to ignore those signs in the relationship.  He even told me we will have problems down the line, but since I know relationships take work I just looked at his concerns as small hurdles.  I mean, how many small hurdles can you have before it's time to end the race?  I'm even shaking my head as I type this.  My head is so much clearer now.

Pretty Law Belle said...

I can attest that men do it, too.  In fact, the last guy I was dating (a romantic, sentimental Pisces) did it SO well, that he had convinced ME (the practical, logical Aquarius) to join in on the fairy tale think and act accordingly.  Then, when I jumped out the window (i.e. decided to give this impractical situation the good college try), guess what he did?  Yep.  Had a reality check and didn't jump with me.

Lady4Real said...

"Their Eyes Were Watching God" is my all time favorite book of life. I recently realized that in a lot of ways I am Janie. There is a part of the book where her second husband hit her, "She stood there until something fell off the shelf inside her. Then she went inside there to see what it was. It was her image of Jody tumbled down and shattered." <<<<<<<<< my life exactly. It's easy to wake up from a fairy tale when someone knocks you into reality.
In this same novel she married a third man, Teacake and their story is beautiful and realistic. Sometimes in life you get a Logan Killicks, Joe Starks and Virgible Woods, this is the most realistic book I've ever read and it has helped me to refocus and set better goals for my next relationship.

While married to my second husband I just kept thinking, one day we will get this right. All we need is therapy. All we need is this, all we need is that. What we needed was to not be together. Best decision I ever made.

tishatweets said...

Yeah, so. 

Growing up, we weren't allowed the Disney books. Can't recall Mom every reading one to us. What we did get, though? When I was about...14 years old? Fairy Tales. Anita Baker. On repeat. Often. LOL.

So. I grew up knowing crap happens. I'd seen crap happen. So I didn't think I was bought into the fairytale. 

Until I actually got married. 

Then, when faced with the impending demise of my marriage, I realized it wasn't that I thought that we could actually make it, after a certain point, but that I didn't want to be a statistic. So I fought for that. I didn't want to be another Black, single mom. I didn't want to be one of those young couples who gave up too soon. I didn't want my daughter to grow up in a home without both of her biological parents. I didn't want to have my daughter doing the Divorced Kid Weekend Shuffle (one weekend at Mom's, next weekend at Dad's). Yeah, no on all of that. So I kept trying long after I knew I should have chucked the deuces. 

I'm bruised from it. But not overly cynical. 

Viva reality. 

Chree Carr said...

This was my struggle as well.  In fact, I didn't tell some of my friends until a month after we broke up, and I finally told another friend last week.  Mind you my ex and I ended in June.  I wasn't hiding it; I just didn't feel like explaining it again. 

Cyn said...

While I was spending $200 (that I didn't have) per counseling session to work through the issues left behind by him cheating with a totally different chick.

***sigh***

Cyn said...

I sure did google relationship report card to see id I could find a template so I could create my own.  Will be doing that tonight.

Cyn said...

I'm still learning this.  I love words, they make me feel so good.  Actions, don't.  At least not in my past.
Now, I'm learning to enjoy the words but only if they match up with the actions.

Eshe said...

Where do I stand on the fairy tale issue? I once wrote a poem telling Rapunzel to cut her hair, use it as a rope and rescue her own damn self from the tower.

blackprofessor said...

I also love words, especially sweet ones! Yet, I have learned the hard way that love is an action verb so if you love me, I should be able to point to some actions that are indicative of that.  Hard lesson learned!

blackprofessor said...

I am clear now as well, wasn't always.

Jubi The Great said...

#allbad :-(

EvolvingElle said...

Right!  And I mentioned it earlier this week- I need(ed) WORDS!  But as I've gotten older and more realistic and mature, I realize that actions/words/movements and the people in the relationship need to be equally yoked.

Lady4Real said...

Is this a mirror? I swear I see myself. Just didn't want to be a statistic but I'd rather be a stat than miserable for the rest of my life.

Sol_dier said...

Cinderella's revenge? 
The twisted tale of Cindy the Cynic?
Cinderella - when the fairytale stops and reality sets in - (the play)

I wanna see all these joints.

Cyn said...

My honey has said from day one, I'm going to be sure that my actions show you that I love you.  He's sweet enough to speak to me in my love language of words of expression but he always backs it up with his actions and makes it point to remind me that his actions are inline with his words so that I've come to value action just as much.

daisy said...

Let me preface this by saying I have nieces who used to love The Cheetah Girls and that's the only reason I know they had a song called Cinderella. :-) The song said - I don't wanna be like Cinderella waiting in a dark cold dusty cellar for somebody to come and set me free, I'd rather rescue myself.

Marioned said...

The Fairy tale only works when you are the Fairy and someone is kissing your tale.  As my grandma use to say find someone that loves you more than you love them!!

Cyn said...

Sis,
When I got married I was the only in my family (the fam I saw regularly and interacted with) who was married at the time except for my Grandfather who was on wife #2 and baby momma #4 and my dad who is on wife #4.  I wanted to beat the odds so badly.  

If I had known how happy I'd end up I never would've settled for what I thought was good enough.

keishabrown said...

*scrapes up all the change i can find to throw in the collection plate*

David Chase said...

When it's gone we mad cuz we gotta go get it agin or find something like it.
Man listen...

OneChele said...

Don't hate on The Cheetah Girls, I have nieces too (that's my excuse as well) but I must admit I love that stupid song. May or may not own the soundtrack... O__o #youngatheart

MelaninEnriched said...

Great post!! My SO is the definitely the romantic, fairytale type. I told him that I'm not reading our (future) children fairytale stories for exactly the reason of this post. Yeahhh, he thought I was being cynical and he thinks I'm joking. I, like a lot of women, bought into it myself. I thought I'd have already settled down into the nuclear family by now (fairytale-style), but alas, that has not happened.

Angel on a Quest said...

*raises hand*

Descriptive of me. Nothing to add. *sighs*

Grace said...

How Cindy got her groove back?
50 Shades of FairyTales?
:-)

Grace said...

Woo. Woo. Woo.

Regina said...

"As my grandma use to say find someone that loves you more than you love them!!"  <--This! My mom says the same thing. Should listen to folks who have nearly four decades of marriage, to the same person, under their belt.

C Nelson said...

 This was a large part of why I married the first husband in the first place; too many voices in my head going "you don't want to be that black single mother" combined with my own wishing it would work (although I knew it wouldn't, which is why I initially said no.) Nobody was going to be satisfied unless we tried for the fairytale. Luckily, I kept enough sense that we got out before we wound up a different kind of statistic.

Whitney said...

Yeah me too....I'm trying so hard to give my girls the reality of it all.

La said...

I have never been much for the fairy tales. I don't daydream into the future and secretly plan weddings or kids’ names. And to be honest, I have probably cut and run far earlier than I should have in some instances. But I also spent much of my childhood seeing what love and marriage was REALLY like when it was hard, when it was ugly. The good news is that it gave me a decidedly realistic, if mildly cynical view.
 
The bad news? Letting go of the life you've spent time and effort building and investing in with another person is the kind of universal heartbreak everyone understands. I don't think it's male or female or starry eyed or cynical. It is just one of those things that almost everyone must go thru and, if you've lived thru it, you know what it's like. And in most cases, it's not even the breaking that is really what hurts; it's the unraveling this life you've intertwined that kills you.
 
You know, I hear.

Eshe said...

 I plead the 5th. :D #youngatheart

CaliGirlED said...

 Bwahahaha!!!

No comment said...

Just read a post on another blog about your gmas quote and they called it the worst piece of dating advice. I believe in the saying but the majority of people on that blog did not. I was told that advice when I was 16 and I have kept it with me for 20 yrs and counting. 

No comment said...

I never dreamed of getting married/kids but those things are important to me. The older I get the more I realize how important they are to me and keep it all together and not start spazzing out if you will. I have always been a loner in so many words and never dated a lot but I do want to be married with kids in the next few yrs if it's God's will.

No comment said...

For some reason your post has me wanting to hug you..Awwww 

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

 Same here. I literally frightened a college classmate when I said point-blank that I've never fantasised about weddings. None of that 'dress of yea fabric, with a train x long, and my bridesmaid will wear A colour dress with B accents' thoughts ever came to me. Guess my princess clock was defective from shipment, too.

Sol_dier said...

lol.

Guest said...

we like quiet money here in the Church Of Bougie

CaliGirlED said...

 I fantasize about marriage, I could careless about a wedding.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

*high-5s*

blackprofessor said...

 If this ain't the gospel truth! I fantasize about a healthy, loving marriage.  We could get married at City Hall in jeans as long as the relationship is tight.

Reecie said...

I actually have had the conversation recently about 90 day probation period too! like minds... 

Love said...

LMAO

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