Tuesday, August 28, 2012

You might be a dog if...


Hello all, it's that time again. We're going to play catch up on the Ask a Bougie Chick letters clogging up sitting in my inbox. Today's letter comes from a 27 y.o. gent in Vallejo, CA (that's the Bay Area). It seems he's been accused of acute hound-doggery and he doesn't think it's fair or true. Here's his story:
Ms. Michele,
Can you settle an argument for me? I'm a single 27 year old black male in the Yay. Took me a while but I just graduated college and manage to land a decent job and for the first time, I'm living on my own no roomate, no mama's basement, all me. One of my boys told me that his girl doesn't like it when we hang out because she thinks I'm a dog and a bad influence on him. 
First, what's up with that? He's a grown azz man. Next, I'm really not a dog. Yes, I primarily pursue women for the purpose of the booty not for the promosie of a long term relationship. I'm not ready to settle down yet. But it's not like I hit and quit or anything. I always buy drinks and dinner first, sometimes breakfast afterwards. And even though I don't see the same woman more than once or twice, I'm upfront and make sure they keep their expectations realistic. It's not like I sleep with more than 4 or 5 women a month. 
See - What had happened was... We (me, my boy and his girl) were out at the mall last week and a woman came up to me and spoke for a while I couldn't remember her name. We hooked up earlier in the summer. I didn't introduce her because I didn't want to make her feel bad that I didn't remember her name. That's how this all started with his girl. 
I don't juggle women, I don't mistreat them, I don't lie to them. How am I a bad influence or a dog? Can you get BnB to weigh in?
Thanks.
Curtis in Vallejo
Beau? Is that you? Didn't I just write a book about you? Ha...
Hi Curtis. Well, hmm. I'll put it to a vote but er, um. Let me just say this:
You might be a dog if...
1. You can't remember the names of the women you've slept with... this season!
2. You  only see women for the purposes of nekkid aerobic activity
3. You rotate women like they are hot, swappable peripherals
4. You think buying a meal makes your activities less of a hit 'n quit
5. You think she didn't feel bad that you didn't introduce her to your friends for whatever reason
6. You think sleeping with 4 or 5 different women a month doesn't put you near "man-ho" status

Curtis, the Yay is big but it's small, son. Eventually everybody knows somebody who knows somebody who slept with you. Oh and by the way, your boy's girl has a point. You are who you hang out with. (JUST finished telling a friend of mine this last week). Your close friends, those you chose to spend time with are a reflection of you. She does not want her man getting any lifestyle ideas from you, Curt.

I don't know, I'll have to ask the fellas - is Curtis wildin' or is this how ya'll get down in the streetz when you are young, single and newly out on your own? Different girl every weekend, every month, all year? I'm exhausted thinking about it. Ladies? Dog or no? Who has a good definition for dog these days? Do weigh in...

119 comments:

taut_7 said...

i mean he's a dog but i don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. if the women know what they're getting themselves into up front then can you really blame him? they're all adults who can make their own decisions. as far as his friend's girl she's right. he may be an influence on his friend but in the end you can't decide who a grown man calls his friend and decides who he wants to hang with. he's her mate not her son. chele, you're right in that you tend to pick up habits from those you spend a lot of time with but there's a thing called free will. say my best friend is a player and i'm in a relationship, does that mean i'm automatically going to step out on my girl? i think not.

thinklikeRiley said...

Aw c'mon now - let Prince Akeem sow his royal oats.
At least he's up front with it. 
Does that make him a dog? 
Mo' like a puppy.
Now if he was 37 still on this? 

SingLikeSassy said...

If he's not in a committed relationship and not promising something to these women and creating dramerz, I'd say no. What's his alternative if he's not ready for a relationship/commitment? Spend more time with someone he doesn't plan to commit to in any way, thus building expectations of him "changing his mind" and sending her here to ask you about "boyfriend behavior" from her regular hook up?

As for the friends, is he encouraging them to cheat? Encouraging them to do things that would compromise their relationships etc? It not and they are just looking at his lifestyle and wishing they had that life, that's not his problem. What the girlfriend seems to be saying is that she doesn't think what she and her man has is solid enough to be more of a draw than than the lifestyle he sees his friend living. That's a whole 'nother discussion for another day.

All that said Curtis, when you DO get ready to settle down, know that you may have to work harder to prove to the young lady you chose that you aren't a dog, that you are ready to commit etc. But, actions have consequences and if you are ready to deal with that then, enjoy yourself.

StacyAnn N. White said...

I am proud to see that your male reader acknowledge that Curtis is a dog.  Chele, your right, sooner rather than later he will run out of women to sleep with in the area and have to start traveling to support his habit.

Curtis will most likely have to move away to find a quality women who is willing to give you a second thought (If you ever able to be in a committed relationship)

Curtis, Its not a good look.

P.S.-I would have reservation about Curtis hanging out with my man too.

 

Lady Ngo said...

You sir are definitely a dog, no question about it. Is homegirl wrong for having reservations about your friendship with her man...i don't think so. You are the company that you keep. With that being said, i would hope that her man has enough sense not to just do what the group/friend is doing.

Sidenote: i doubt very highly that this dude is 100% up front with these ladies he temporarily entertains. Why else would a 1-time breezy walk up to him in the middle of the mall trying to converse? If i were bout that life, I can't imagine that if some man told me he just wants to bed me i'd waste my time even waving in his direction talk less of stopping to have a conversation and expecting an introduction to his friends. IJS

daisy said...

Why not get a f*** buddy? All the rotating gotta get old and tiresome. 

Think P. Smart said...

Did we learn nothing from the 'situation' last week?  That young woman sees who and what you are-even if he dude wants to maintain a friendship with you.  She sees you as dangerous because the same disregard you have for this women will eventually be the same disregard you have for your friends' significant others. 

Further, you seem like you're smelling yourself and low-key  abusive because of you just now, at 27, are getting the chance to do the stuff that your peers got to do at 18-22.  I have my theories on men who are 27+ rotating women.  None of them are good or having anything to do with the women.  But I'mma leave now because it's the right thing to do...

CaliGirlED said...

Well damn sigh shake my head... Curtis really??? No one has commented, at least when I first come over, so here goes:

Ok first, yes your boy is a grown azz man (maybe), but as humans we are adaptable and if we become surrounded by too much of anything, good or bad, in time we will start to mirror what we see. Even if only slightly and whether we want to or not. I'm not saying that your boy's girl should blame you if her man should stray, but she should definitely be concerned about how much "hanging" you all are doing.

Are you a dog? Listen, you can call it label it what you want. But what you tell your sister, mother, aunt, cousin, platonic friend (do you know what that means) about men like you? According to you:

"I primarily pursue women for the purpose of the booty not for the promosie of a long term relationship."....Have you ever observed a pack of dogs traveling? Yeah that takes place along the way....By the way what is "promosie"? It's ok, you're not only at war with yourself, but with spell check too.

"I always buy drinks and dinner first, sometimes breakfast afterwards."..."Hoes gotta eat too!" Is this your mantra?

"And even though I don't see the same woman more than once or twice, I'm
upfront and make sure they keep their expectations realistic."...That's deep son!

"It's not like I sleep with more than 4 or 5 women a month."...So in a year's time you're sleeping with 48 to 60 women. Damn the number, didn't Chele say (and I know it is) that Vallejo is a small area? So you're crossing into friendship circles, bloodlines and enemy territory!

Boy slow yo ass down! Go sat down over there---------->

BB Waite said...

To me, 27 is a little old to be h-n-q'ing every weekend but what do I know, I was married with two kids by 27. 
But yes Curtis - we TOTALLY judge men by who they hang out with. Everyone is allowed that one scandalous friend  but even that gets old after a while (shout out to Shawn). 

Jason P said...

I guess my question Chele - what's the difference (in women's minds) between a dog and a player?
Cuz Curtis (if he's being straught up) seems more like a player to me. Yeah he's out there with it but not in a malicious kind of way.

iExemplifyKool said...

Dear Curtis,
How could you deny being a dog after you couldn't remember the name of the woman you shared body fluids with less than 3 months ago. Please sit back and re-evaluate things. What you are doing is unhealthy and not sanitary. Slow down son. 4 or 5 a month? 48 a year? 144 by the time you turn 30? Smh.

iExemplifyKool said...

Dog = Player in my book.

Javalicious said...

If it walks like a dog and barks like a dog...

CaliGirlED said...

 \O/ ^^^THIS!!!...There are women ready willing and able to be a f*** buddy! Good bad or indifferent!

CaliGirlED said...

 God's gift and whatnot.

CaliGirlED said...

 DEAD!!!

CaliGirlED said...

In this woman's mind, not much difference. Ok, yes it is, like the difference between a German Shepard and a Pit Bull.

MeetCharlieL said...

Okay there is some "hound-doggery" but not flagrant. 

GrownAzzMan said...

First of all, I think you made this up...LOL

Now that we have that out of the way, I have to say that at a certain point in my life I probly did the same things the letter writer talks about. Shoal looks different in print though. I would say he was a dog if he was lying or manipulating these women. If he is full disclosure as he states then he is just a young man enjoying his options. His boy's girlfriend is afraid that this will look good to her man and mess up her good thing. That is a conversation she and her man need to have.

SingLikeSassy said...

As someone who is a nester and doesn't do casual/f buddy/jump off/FWB
etc.  who  was a wife and will be one again, I find the comments here
interesting. People have different timetables and this guy is not ready
to settle down right now, so he's "dating" around. I see a dog as
someone who is promising something to women that he has
no intention of giving them -- love, fidelity, commitment etc.


Would I date him? No, but that's neither here nor there. I don't
think he's a monster. As long as he is being honest
with the women. AS LONG AS HE IS BEING HONEST WITH THE WOMEN.

GrownAzzMan said...

"All the rotating gotta get old and tiresome." 

Not at 27. Variety is the spice of life and whatnot...

SingLikeSassy said...

 P.S. I have seen this up close and in action. I would not date the dude ever never, but he is definitely up front with them about his non-intentions and the ladies seem fine with it. And he dates some really stunning, accomplished women. I have yet to be somewhere with him (happy hour etc) and any of those ladies show out or act ratchet. I assume that is because of how and when he tells them he is just dating and not interested in a commitment. He also doesn't exhibit any Shawn-like behavior or traits.

So, I guess I'm bringing that experience to the discussion.

Think P. Smart said...

But if I walk up to you and tell you I'm going to rob you, and you stand there, does it make me less of a criminal? This whole idea of 'at least I'm an honest dog' doesn't negate the fact that he is a dog and there is a reason why he is that way. He will keep up with this behavior until it doesn't work for him anymore. At that point, karma will kick in and he will end up just meeting women who have been run through by dudes like him. I would also wonder what he'd tell his daughters and sisters about dealing with men like him. If it is ANYTHING other than to run fast and far, it means that he knows his behavior is detrimental but he's willing to pretend it is not so long as it benefits him. Now, this doesn't mean every woman is his victim per se. But this whole 'I told the truth' game is old.

CaliGirlED said...

Sassy I agree that he's not a monster. And if he's up front with these women (like I said there are some who are  COOL with this type situ), then it's all good. But that doesn't mean he's not a dog. Maybe a well groomed and trained one, but a dog nonetheless. While there are women willingly participating, at some point feelings are getting hurt. Believe that. And I'm not saying he has to stop, just acknowledge that it is what it is.

Sol_dier said...

Variety might give bragging rights in terms of numbers but it does absolutely nothing for the quality of the act.

Many of those dudes chasing variety are the same dudes who don't have a clue how the female body works. 

Sol_dier said...

Or.....
Maybe its cos thats all the women want. i think thats the part that usually gets left out of the equation, some women don't want a man to come in and disrupt their well organised life.
They might need a guy who can scratch an itch on occasion but aside from that, some women just don't have the time or inclination to have to manage another human being when they do it 9 - 5pm.

David Chase said...

He's 27, unattached, not looking to be attached and has a paycheck for the first time in his life. He's doing what he can do. Now yeah - he could stand to tighten his game up (learn the names, remember the faces, c'mon son) but as long as he's not hurting anybody and he's stating it plain and clear up front. I don't think that's doggish. 

Then again as @grownazzman:twitter said below, it looks bad all laid out in print like that.

Oh and this --> "Your close friends, those you chose to spend time with are a reflection of you. " Not touching that one this week.

Michele said...

Because he's honest and buys food that makes him less of a dog?  I think not.  He's a dog, sniffing around for his next piece of a**. 

 

Sol_dier said...

I'd say he is a little uncouth... (what is it with the whole 'pursuing for the purpose of the booty?, is this a song lyric?)

To me a 'dog' is a person who sleeps around whether you give notice or not. It's not a bad thing, it simply is what it is.
You sleep around indiscriminately like a dog. #simples. No judgement on that.
I'm all for free love, no strings and cocoa as a purely physical release however AIDS is real, STD's are ugly and some are incurable. Here's hoping he's checking papers whilst in pursuit of 'teh booteh'.

OneChele said...

*snickers*

Diana said...

Woot! Ms. Smart always makes it plain! :-)

Andrea M said...

I guess I'm in the minority of the women because although as Chele says, he's showing some doggish behavior, I don't think he's a dog. I think he's doing what men do until they have a reason not to. 

NOW let's make it interesting and flip the script. If this was a woman going out doing 4 or 5 men a month and not remembering the names -wouldn't everybody be calling her a slut? You know what Curtis can get away with, Curtiseena gets no love. 

Earthangel172 said...

"Many of those dudes chasing variety are the same dudes who don't have a clue how the female body works."

FTMFW! LOL (I wasn't going to comment today but I couldn't resist.)

CaliGirlED said...

LMAO at that last comment!!!

But he is hurting someone, many people, himself included! You can not tell me that out of 48 to 60 women, mostly from the same small area, in one year, that someone is not getting hurt. I won't believe that! Let the educated money making independent young man have his fun, I got that, but let's call it what it is.

no comment said...

I don't think he is a dog either. He says he let's them know what time it is so after that much is done it's on the women to roll with it. NOW IF he is lying about doing such then he is a dog. 

SingLikeSassy said...

But...what else is a he to do, though? Lie? Pretend to be in a relationship when he is not at all interested in that, which seems even more hurtful than saying up front, no, never, not gonna happen, this is all I want, right here, right now. Why is all the onus on him to be responsible for the feelings of people who don't believe fat meat is greasy?

Again, if he's not ready for a relationship/commitment and IF, as he says, he is informing ladies from the jump that he aint about that lyfe and they say OK, let's roll and he's had little to no drama (cause not remembering that lady's name is not drama to me even if her feelings were hurt), why is he a bad guy? We can't have it both ways. Either we want dudes to say what they mean and mean what they say b y being honest with their intentions or lack of them, or we want them to lie.

I can't believe I'm arguing for this dude, though. Lawd. I need some real coffee. LOL

Think P. Smart said...

Good point. Is she sleeping with them all? If so, yes, Slutty Mc Slutsalot to match his Doggy Mc Humpsalot. I recently read an article that citrd a study abt the physical impact of sex and how hormones are released that are the same that are released when a woman has a baby. And those hormones are released with contact to the cervix. Said hormones cause a care-taker response in women. So, men who hit cervixes are literally screwing women into the care-taker mode. Basically, sex isn't just sex though people try to say it is.

JoyGrooves said...

You already know what's good for the goose gets the gander slandered.
Curtiseena would be all kinds of hoochies and hoes.

JoyGrooves said...

I'm not ready to soundtrack him to Atomic Dog but some of his thinking...
It's cool because he buys dinner and sometimes breakfast? Dude, really?!
My bigger concern is for the women. Ladies please do better than to settle for the table scraps Curtis is handing out. Please. It's 2012. 

Think P. Smart said...

I did t say the onus was just on him. But Being a self professed dog doesn't make him less of one. As I stated earlier, he is going to do it until it stops working.
Also, the fact that he wrote in to ask the question leads me to believe this young guy isn't sure he is NOT a dog.

Roz B said...

Ha ha! Yes!!! Tell the truth and shame the Debbil!

Roz B said...

I caught that too... And if you are gonna tell a story tell the Whole. Damn. Thing. You are so thrilled to be outta the basement and yet you have these dubious Casanova skills to get 4-5 women bedded a month. Aaaaannnnddd all these women have co-signed on sex but no love have a great day bandwagon. Dude, you need more people stat.

Earthangel172 said...

 Agreed.

CaliGirlED said...

"I can't believe I'm arguing for this dude, though. Lawd. I need some real coffee. LOL"...You are too funny! I love me some Sassy!!!

Roz B said...

But eventually all that variety will get your tires slashed.

CaliGirlED said...

"You already know what's good for the goose gets the gander slandered."...*hollers* Never heard this one, but I love it!

SingLikeSassy said...

OK, good point. I still need coffee though. LOL

kimberly billups said...

woof woof

C Nelson said...

I wouldn't call him a dog.

That said, I wouldn't date him, either. I don't see a problem with sex for the sake of sex, so long as everybody's honest and upfront, but even when I was inclined to be having sex that way myself, I was never under the impression that having first-time-together sex with five different people a month was as good as repeat sex with somebody who'd at least started figuring out what I liked. Maybe it's different for guys, but Lord knows, fully 70% of women don't orgasm from penetration alone, and every single one of them has individual tastes about what kind of extra stimulation does work. If he's sleeping with 60 women a year and many of them only once, he's either near-psychic in bed or he's doling out an awful lot of mediocre sex. I'm quite sure many of his partners would have done better for themselves to stay at home with a bottle of wine, a rotisserie chicken, and their favorite rabbit or bullet.  (I also hope he's getting tested regularly, and getting tests from each new partner. That's a lot of risk to be taking just to scratch an itch and move on.)

Sol_dier said...

I'm all for free love as long as its consensual. I don't care if its carried out by a man, woman or non-gender identified person. Get it, get as much as you can, and have fun. 
For me, girl or guy, if you sleep around indiscriminately I just label it doggish behaviour and there is absolutely no condemnation on my part.

You do what works until it no longer works

Sol_dier said...

I don't know about all that, I think a lot of it is conditioning.
After all there are studies which show that women's brains show no signs of emotion during orgasm (switches off) whilst mens brain activity is heightened. Yet, most of us here would probably disagree with that. 
I dunno, there's a video doing the rounds of a woman's brain during orgasm. Pretty soon, all sorts of papers are going to be produced based on this one instance.

I don't trust most studies into 'women'. There was a time when people would swear women were incapable of emotionless sex. Well that was wrong...

keishabrown said...

it's been MY PERSONAL (all caps necessary) experience that the men that claim the women know upfront what the deal is...usually DON'T. 

i guess, all i can do is take this dude's letter at face value - but...the milk don't smell right to me. that many women in a month? yeah...

Sol_dier said...

You always take the words out of my mouth...

Dude buys them breakfast and dinner, he gets sex. Doesn't sound like he is looking for or cares about mutual cocoa satisfaction.

Casual or not, I'm more for quality than quantity all day. 

C Nelson said...

 Err. While it's true that stimulating the cervix causes oxytocin release, *other* things besides sex and giving birth also cause the same release, without cervical stimulation. Hugging triggers it. Exercising empathy (seeing things from some else's perspective) does too. Seeing a movie with your best friend, or eating a good meal, or even having a pleasant interaction with a stranger -- all those things involve oxytocin. It's a hormone that helps us relax, bond and make connections to each other in general, not necessarily some hormonal switch to flip to put us into "caretaker mode".

Sol_dier said...

Letter kinda reads like an 18yr old trying to shock his slightly older female cousin with his 'adult behaviour'.

It's like playing the role of wide eye rougish charmer...
Him: Cousin, am I a dog?
Cousin: I dunno, why would you say that
Him: Well, I'm young & single, I date a few women
Cousin: okay, and?
Him: Well I date a lot of women. I sleep wiv em all, I tell em upfront (giggle, giggle)
Cousin: hmm, that's kinda doggish..
Him: But I'm young & single and I'm honest about it. I'm just in it for 'teh booteh'
Cousin: ehhh hnnn. 
Him: but I buy them breakfast and dinner (laugh, laugh), am I still a dog?
Cousin: Yeah... you are a dog...
Him: Thanks for confirming my bragging rights lol... well, I just can't help it, I ain't hurting no one though (smile, wink and he gets to slyly tell cousin he's getting it in'. 

lol. Takes all sorts in the licorice box

Think P. Smart said...

I am talking about measurable chemicals that have been shown to be linked in bodily functions and behaviors in humans. For example, women's breast usually produce milk. We assume this happens because of pregnancy. That's not exactly true. It happens due to elevated levels of prolactin--which can happen even when a woman isn't pregnant. So if hitting the cervix during child birth causes a woman to dsecrete a hormone that activates certain parts of her brain connected to behaviors, it really isn't a fr stretch to say stimulation of the cervix outside childbirth can create he same genial response. Yes, I am a nerd. But I believe in science and learning about reproduction.

Think P. Smart said...

I too was wondering this. Is he saying, "I don't want a relationship, right now" or "I don't want a relationship with you" I am all about using uncertain terms without time limits and qualifiers then being consistent with that message.

Think P. Smart said...

Yes. And I was specifically talking abt sex and science. Never said that was the only way to trigger neurotransmitter and the such. I find it interesting the people are quick to dismiss the science part. Sex isn't just sex just like doing a few lines of coke isn't 'just' doing coke.

BklynBajan said...

Let's be real - men exaggerate to solidify their position. Curtis' 4-5 women a month is more than likely 2-3 that he's rotating a lot longer than one month.

Curtis may be smelling himself with his first job and paying bills but he's not (@27) balling that hard that he's wining and dining these women with false hope of an extended courtship. That to me speaks to the quality of chicks he's with in the first place. If you settle for a drink and entree at Cheescake Factory as enough for a taste of the garden then its on THEM.Men that are trying to get with you do not say the same things as those that are in grown "dating" mode. Lets stop treating women as delicate flowers who are fooled by the big bad man with nefarious intentions.

I wouldn't call him a dog - he's a hoe for sure but not a dog. Dog's take more time to  lay their trap with lies and promises. Again if you lay with someone after one date that's on you. Yes 50 people may post how their one night stand turned into a long term relationship but its NOT the norm and folks need to stop looking for blame when what they want doesn't match up to what was right in front of their face. I seriously doubt Curtis' game is THAT tight for so many to fall for his okey doke.

That issue at the mall is also on ole girl. You hit it with someone at beginning of the summer have not heard from him since yet when you see him in the mall you go up and try to engage in a conversation?? WDDDA? No pity for silly broads. None.

Ole girl needs to stop projecting her issues onto Curtis. Your man isn't going to be forced to do anything he didn't already have in mind to do. They are friends for a reason. Figure out if the common denominator is a character issue you can live with if not be out. If he wants to commit there is nothing Curtis can do to change that. For all she knows Curtis is just trying to catch up with what her man did in the past. If not then you need to figure out why your man won't let Curtis go. Either way the issue is her man not Curtis' "hold" on/over a growon man.

BklynBajan said...

I wouldn't call him a dog but he's definitely a hoe/slut or what ever the term is this week in Black America.

A woman that does the same is a future guest on Maury.....

Sol_dier said...

Hello Nerd, I'm a geek. I believe we belong to the same tribe :-)
I'm not necessarily dismissing your points. However, I would really love to see a sample size and study link. (late night reading whilst avoiding the charms of MrDog or MrNotDog.

I just don't trust most of the studies into women and black people. There's been too much historical bad science based shenanigans for my liking. 

C Nelson said...

 I'm not dismissing your science, I'm just saying you're not presenting the whole picture, and therefore you're giving too much emphasis to just one part of the science. Yes, cervical stimulation triggers some oxytocin release. But it's not an overwhelming amount of oxytocin; it's enough to make you feel warmer and a bit more connected to your partner, but it's not enough by itself to override your logical brain and responses. If you already like or love your partner, you'll have a stronger oxytocin release. Ditto if the sex is actually good and things aren't strained -- cortisol, the stress hormone, is an antagonist or counter to oxytocin, and vice versa. If you're stressed, depressed, angry, frightened, you need more oxytocin to feel that deep connection, because it has to counter all that cortisol first. So it's not as simple as man penetrates woman, touches cervix, makes woman feel all warm and motherly toward him.

Think P. Smart said...

And this is why I like BNB. Folks can discuss, disagree, understand, call into question the studies, all without insulting each other! Thanks to this discussion, I have run errands and only bought the things on my list cus I was busy 'discussing' with y'all.

GuessImJay said...

I smell a trap. There's no winning answer to this question. 
*backs out quietly*

Sol_dier said...

hold on a minute, I'm curious why you think that any of these women were trying to get with curtis for more than one night?.

I mean, aren't we adults?. So, because we get physical once and don't ask for do -overs means we should avoid each other completely? WDDDA? I thought the woman was being mature. So she slept with curtis once, he didn't call and it doesn't seem like she chased him for a repeat session anyhow.
She saw him at a mall and did the adult thing, went over to say hello. He didn't introduce them and she didn't bother introducing herself either (not the behaviour of someone who was desperate to be known by his associates). 
Maybe she was bored, thought he looked familiar but couldn't quite place him and went over to say hello?
Or maybe she recognised someone she stirred cocoa with and figured hey, why not say hi. No hard feelings.

Maybe curtis is hitting up quality women who just want to scratch an itch because their regular buddy is simply unavailable?.

Maybe curtis is the pump and dump man for all these women. I mean not one of them is asking for a do-over? (well he doesn't say so anyhow, but thats not why he wrote in so..) 

Very tellingly Curtis doesn't mention that any of the women ever asked him for a 'do-over'. 

Rob said...

As in most of these letters, I suspect we're only getting the portion of the truth that Curt wants to share. As far as what he said he's doing, if it's as advertised I don't have a problem with it. But he should now that it will catch up with him. It always does.

Sol_dier said...

too cool. :-)

FreeBlackMan said...

Ladies... some of your issues are showing. 
This ain't about you.
Let Curtis live.

EvolvingElle said...

Based on a conversation with a friend last week, I believe he's being honest about his intentions.  I say that because when we women get around our girls, we always say, "Oh, I would NEVER do that!" My homegirl was hanging with a guy friend of hers, and he let her take a peek inside his world, complete with responding to women he was dating and their nonchalance with the little he was dishing out.

Now, since young Curtis is only dishing out meals and a couple of drinks, I think it's accurate to say he's not dating any real, grown women.  I know at 23, 24 I was willing to accept a lot less than I am now at 30. 

He is exhibiting some doggish behavior, so we may as well call a spade a spade.  I'm sure as he gets older he'll become like most men and either bore of this lifestyle or meet that woman who sweeps him off his feet.  It's definitely going to be hard for him when he's 35, looks around, and sees his boys boo'ed up with families and he's left alone in the cold.

ShawnSoze said...

But uh - you are living with a guy who was just like this a little over a year ago. People can change.

ShawnSoze said...

Right!

JoyGrooves said...

Really? And what is your point? 
For THIS you peak your troll head in?Turn to the right, let me crack the other jaw. 
@OneChele:twitter please come hold my earrings.

Diggame said...

He very well may be a dog BUT as long as he is keeping things upfront and being honest its all good. Now if he isn't and giving the presentation of something more he is practicing dirty macking

CaliGirlED said...

 *holds your purse* WTF???

M Dot said...

This

JaymeC said...

Let me preach from the Gospel of Luther V: Sing it for me four times - Creep. Creep. CREEP. CREEP!

CaliGirlED said...

Who left the damn gate open??? *calls the locksmith*

MeetCharlieL said...

Keeping it classy.

LurkeyMcLurkLurk said...

My first thought at 4-5 a month was "I hope he's using protection". I mean, he should be anyway, but I REALLY hope he is

keishabrown said...

welps.  O_O

keishabrown said...

please explain how and what issues?
cuz let me tell you that if i as a 27+ woman wrote that letter...y'all (fellas) would be MORE than happy to assign some adjectives. 

keishabrown said...

RIGHT??!?!?!?!?!

John S. Wilson said...

As many others have already pointed out, it comes down to his intentions. If he's upfront about them, there shouldn't be an issue. It's no different than a younger woman entertaining a much older man and both know what the expectations are of the relationship. Could someone's feelings be hurt? Of course. That's life. That doesn't necessarily make him a bad guy or her a naive woman. 


In many cases women know what they are entering into with a man, and more often than not they are able to see the limitations on entering into anything serious  far before he does. It all comes down to ownership. Own the situations you choose to enter into and the consequences of your decisions. 

TrulyPC said...

"I don't juggle women, I don't mistreat them, I don't lie to them. How am I a bad influence or a dog?"  BWAHAHA.  Seriously?  There is no way that this scenario applied to a woman doesn't have her seen as every derogatory word people come up with to degrade her for the same actions.  Dog? YES.  If you don't want the title then...

Leon X said...

I think I have said once on this blog that you are your friends. If a person goes around saying "I hate my friends! They're trifling!" then consider yourself among the trifling.

Angel on a Quest said...

Well, Curtis, do *you* think you're a dog?  If I have to question my own behaviour and the label that may be attached to said behaviour, then I already know that the label is fitting.

Even if you and your boy are the same age, it may be that you're at different life development stages, as he has a girlfriend and, from what you intimate, he's not experiences the same firsts that you are (job, living alone, etc.).  Right now, you're trying to figure out who you are and how you want to live.  Hang out with you boy AND his girlfriend, and that will give her an opportunity to get to know you better in a manner other than the one surrounding your leisurely approach to companionship (physical, not emotional).

That said, why don't you try some other recreational activities to release pent-up energy?  Pick-up basketball, flag football, bowling, golf, running, etc., can all be rather fun ways to have fun with your friends and *not* arouse suspicion regarding your friend's girlfriend, as you present some other  aspects of who you are.

Finally, I've been doing some cardio boxing, and I'm not afraid to use it around here... #ijs...

The Bunni said...

I agree with Sassy.  I don't think he's a dog.  He is riding the man-whore wave, but if he's being honest and the women are good with it then hey, to each their own.

tishatweets said...

A) I'm from Vallejo
B) I come from a huge family. I have like 40 first cousins
C) If I'm not related to Curtis, I
D) likely know him or his peoples.

All of this is why I'm side-eyeing this post from the gate. LOL.

That said, naw. I don't think he's a dog--as long as he's being upfront about his intentions. He certainly has "whorish proclivities" (shout out to Kazo; some of y'all will get that), but I wouldn't categorize him as being a dog. I've learned you get what you accept. If these women accept his....standards early on, they don't get to call foul later.

Whitney said...

I won't call him a dog, but keep living my young brotha, when it's time to settle down you probably will not be able to do it in Vallejo.  True, men don't get the reputation like women do from sleeping around, but unless you become super successful and rich, you will be a has been, along with the "he ain't *hit" comments.  We do wake up, it may take us a few years...although you could consider cougars by then.

Sol_dier said...

don't even sweat it Joy, tricks are for kids and this one right here is just a little boy.

Say Shawn have you apologised to Chele yet for lying about her inviting you over?
Dude you are psychotic. 

invectiva said...

I'll get your Gatorade so you're ready for the next round.

Eshe said...

If a man is stating his terms up front, it's up to the woman to accept or reject the terms. If she accepts the terms, then she has to be willing to accept whatever the outcome of accepting those terms are. If she accepts terms that are unsatisfactory to her, thinking that she will be able to manipulate the man into a relationship he doesn't want, then she is the one playing herself and if she gets hurt it's her own fault.

Brenda Kay said...

Some folks have absolutely zero sense of propriety... SMH 

C Nelson said...

 Really though? How is this ambulatory sack of ego and entitlement masquerading --- poorly! -- as a male human being not yet banned from this site?  :(

And WHY am I not the least bit surprised that his first appearance here post-idiotic, predatory nonsense isn't an abject apology, but him challenging a woman who encouraged other women to demand more from their partners than the barely-acceptable? Couldn't be that he depends on women being vulnerable and thinking too little of themselves, could it? Naww.

Brenda Kay said...

Anyone who has a dog as a pet will tell you that they are loyal, loving and protective creatures. So perhaps comparing or calling Curtis a dog is more than just a tad bit inaccurate. But getting to the question at hand, frankly, I don't see the issue with Curtis' behavior - he's 27 yo, living on his own for the first time and he's enjoying himself. So long as he's keeping it all honest and upfront, and not misleading anyone as to his intentions, then I can't fault him for his love of variety at this time in his life. 

Bailey said...

I've spent some time in Vallejo - Curtis, you will get cut young un. You will. Any day now. 
Tip on over to Oakland or up to the Sac to pull this off for much longer.
Just saying. 

Jubi The Great said...

I wonder how long Curtis is going to keep up this life. Sure it may seem like fun - different ladies, lots of cocoa, etc. But he's already behind the game, doing this at 27 when a lot of folks did this at 18-22. He may find himself the old man at the club, trying to holla at women too young for him, and find that he's the only one in the crew still switching women like he changes his underwear. It may be fun, but it's a lonely life.

And No Country for triflin folks who find nothing wrong with their sketchy stalker behavior, lie on folks, throw away friendships, and then roll back into BnB like nothing happened. Really?

CaliGirlED said...

I understand what you're saying, they're not victims. My stance remains, all involved are effected, whether voluntarily or unbeknownst to them and that includes him. The mindset behind f*** buddies is not a good thing. Speaking as one who's been there done that, twice. And we're still friends to this day. It was what it was until it wasn't anymore. I don't stand in judgment, but the truth is the truth. He asked, he must care and question it himself. When I was doing it my way I gave not nary a damn what anyone thought! Does.not.make.it.right.doe.

blackprofessor said...

 Many of those dudes chasing variety are the same dudes who don't have a clue how the female body works. - Dang soldier, hit them where it hurts, lol!

blackprofessor said...

 When a man says "I don't want a relationship, right now" that essentially means that he doesn't want a relationship with you.  IMO, If he is saying either of those, he is being honest.

blackprofessor said...

As long as Curtis is being honest, I don't consider him a dog.  I learned a long time ago to not hate the game but figure out the players to avoid and keep it moving.

Curtis needs to get an STD test. 

Think P. Smart said...

You and I know that. But far too many women of all ages decided to focus on the 'right now'.

aishao1122 said...

You really trying to throw shade Shawn??? Hows the lip ??? Healed yet?? 

tishatweets said...

I 100% agree with this. You can't see the "hot" sign and then get mad when you get burned. I mean....you can--and I have--but you can't blame the stove. 

nylse said...

So, it seems that many are saying an honest dog is a good thing...I don't get that.  And all this nonsense about f$$$ (pains me to type that) buddies is just ludicrous.  I don't even see how that is bougie! This is not what men and women want - People want honest relationships with folks who have their best interests at heart.  An honest dog is still a dog - lay down with dogs and you get fleas!

C Nelson said...

 Feh. Sometimes it is what "real" men and women want. Just like sometimes real men and women want deep relationships with more than one person simultaneously, and some women want other women, and some men want other men, and some want no-one at all. I'm not built for it, but that doesn't make those who are not "real".  What's more, a relationship doesn't have to be deep to be honest, and you don't have to be in one for someone to have your best interests at heart. Telling them upfront "I'm attracted to you, but I'm not going to stay with you" counts as protecting their interests, and respecting their autonomy.  Even I, and I can be just about asexual in between relationships for years on end, have occasionally met people I wouldn't want a relationship with but was *strongly* attracted to. If I had acted on that, that wouldn't have made me less real or less of a good person. Sexuality is a spectrum.

Sol_dier said...

now if this ain't the gospel... 

JoycelynC said...

But...what else is a he to do, though? Lie? Pretend to be in a
relationship when he is not at all interested in that, which seems even
more hurtful than saying up front, no, never, not gonna happen, this is
all I want, right here, right now.  ---This!

At some point in their life, most women have been approached on some booty-call mack.  Just because they ask, you are not obligated to say yes.  If you are not ok with the situation once the truths are disclosed, just move on to the next. 

JoycelynC said...

Late to the party but here's my .02: so long as he's being honest, everyone is making a fully informed decision.  While it might be slightly doggish, if you agree to the terms so be it.  I sure hope Curtis is getting tested regularly and is prepared to move elsewhere when he is ready to get serious.  If you are going through an average of 60 (give or take) women a year, the pool will be nearly depleted in that area when you want a serious girl.  Heaven forbid you roll up on a girl you slept with three years ago trying to have a relationship. 

BklynBajan said...

Disqus wouldn't let me respond yesterday.

I’m not sure why you are responding to my post when I in essence agreed with you. While I don’t condone Curtis’ behavior I don’t think he is a dog. However many that responded today believe that he is with no accountability on the women that choose to lay down with him.
Unless you know Curtis you are reading FAR too much into what HE says happened at the mall. From what was written I didn’t get “empowered woman greeting/catching up with her one night stand in the mall”. From his own words it came across as “awkward encounter of man that can’t even remember the name of woman he slept with earlier this season”. Real life the adult thing to do is to head nod, smile if it was good and keep it moving. You laid down one time what conversation occurred in those few hours that you really needed to follow up on in daylight hours? In public? She didn’t know who he was with and the lack of follow up then should have laid down rules for future encounters. If you going to be grown then be grown don’t rewrite scenarios with “what if’s” that only occur in female written romance novels.
I’ll add this if Curtis is really hitting on quality women that want itches scratched once  with no tap back then he’s doing it all wrong and needs to market himself as the gigolo he’s pretending to be. Gigolo’s get paid well for what he’s spending his hard earned money on.
The lack of repeat requests speaks VOLUMES but Curtis didn’t ask about that. He asked if he was a bad influence or a dog. I still say he can’t influence a grown man that knows right to do wrong and no I don’t think he is a dog. Dog would imply he’s preying among women and that belief does not allow your point that there are women that are freely choosing to be with him.  Whether or not the regret it afterwards is on them.

Darryll said...

Yep, what Joycelyn sez.  There's no sense in being (or pretending to be) so unself-aware that you don't know you're runnin' through the neighborhood like King. Or Prince.  Or Spike.  Own your shyt, dude; you're being honest up front.

But, yeah, Joycelyn is correct; yo azz is gonna have to move to another city sooner or later . . .

Darryll said...

Now, this thing about you are who you hang out with . . .  Eh, it could go either way.  I had an ex- who used to accuse me of being like a friend of mine who rolled like that.  We broke up not long after, cuz I got sick of the unwarranted accusation.  In between working, school, raising my daughter, and then hanging out with her, there was no time to roll code like that, even if I wanted to.  So if ol' girl is insecure that her man might step, she might want to look at something else being the possible source of her insecurity, not dude's friendship . . .

Darryll said...

I don't know, Lady.  I have a bud whom women just walk up to ALL THE TIME.  Some dudes just have it like that.

Darryll said...

Why you tryna to get dude kilt, Ms. Bailey???  You know he bednot go to Oakland playin' like that and getn caught!

invectiva said...

 Amen!!!!

quinne said...

yeah im not so sure about him being a "dog" because in the cultural adaptation of the word, by what he is saying, he isnt "dogging" these women, he is being honest and they are making an adult decision to roll with it. I would consider a person who relationship hops more of a dog because they knew their feelings werent in it, they were man/woman enough to admit it...

And age has nothing to do with it... I would even go as far as to say, if he is just becomming this way in his later age, i applaud him. Too often you see people be wild at 18-23 and have no clue how to maturely handle the situations they get caught up in and thats where you see stalkers/bad relationships being 27 he has a better gauge of what he wants/doesnt want and can boldly step to a woman say it and give her the option rather than play with her emotions like that you immature 20 year old may do.

lawsoncomp said...

The result of the poll says it all. I really hope that you have that thing wrapped up Boy. HIV are not letters you want behind your name.

Eshe said...

TRUE, everyone involved is affected one way or another, even in ways they are unaware of.

My thing is that when things go south or don't work out as planned a lot of women try to play the innocent angel role, while shifting all the blame to the men, and refuse to acknowledge their role(s) in their own demise. If women want to play the "game", they need to learn the rules and play it right -- there's no crying in baseball, play or get your azz off the field, LOL.

I disagree with you on the f*** buddies part, somewhat. It's not a good mindset for a marriage-minded woman, I totally agree. But for women who AREN'T marriage-minded, and don't even want to be in a serious relationship, a monogamous FWB situation (monogamous is the key word) could be the perfect solution. 

Let me go on the record and make it clear that I do not advocate fornication. However, I'm not deaf, dumb, or blind to reality, which is rarely ideal. ;)

Jeannette Abrahamson said...

WOW!

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