Thursday, August 30, 2012

That pesky Love Triangle - when to tell it?


In today's episode of Ask a Bougie Chick, we have a young lady in St. Paul, Minnesota. She has some questions about basic rules of engagement. Here we go:
Hey Chele,
Love the blog, love the books! I've gotten myself into something that I'm not sure how to handle. I'm 23 and haven't dated a lot so forgive me if I sound like I don't know what I'm doing. (I don't!) I met a guy at work and we starting going out about two months ago. 
Three weeks ago I met a guy at a cookout by the lake and when he asked me out, I said yes. I've been seeing both of them pretty regularly though I try not to double book on the same night. That seems tacky and tiring. I'm not sleeping with either of them at this point and no one has talked exclusivity. Do I have to tell Guy A about Guy B? 
Are there basic rules about who to tell and when to tell? And when and if I have to choose? It's okay to date more than person at a time, right? I worry about being fair to everybody.
Thanks!
Dee in St. Paul
Hi Dee,
Bless your heart, if you are worrying over this - you've got some serious hair-pulling and teeth-gnashing in your future. You said it yourself - you're not sleeping with either of them and no one is saying "let's be exclusive" so you're fine. Myself, I tend to believe in full disclosure early and often so as to avoid drama but no, there aren't any rules per se.

Someone should write a real dating handbook "What to do when..." and not make it about some shiggity. But anyway, let's get back to you. 

Right now, you're just dating. You can date who you'd like as you like whenever you like. When strong feelings and/or cocoa come into play, it's time to have a discussion. We of the bougie set frown upon cocoa being sloshed into multiple cups around town, if you're sleeping with two people and Dude A is sleeping with three and Dude B is sleeping with four... ugh. Hate to feel like you're climbing into bed with half of Minnesota. 

I personally suck at dating more than one person at a time. I juggle enough other stuff in my life without throwing men into the equation. I've tried it, didn't like it but that's just me. If you and both guys are happy with the current situation, I say enjoy it while it lasts.

I'll put it to BougieLand - good people, does Dee have to tell Dude A about Dude B? When and why, in your opinion? For those of you that successfully "play the field" any tips for Dee? Thoughts, comments, insights? Do share...

26 comments:

GrownAzzMan said...

Too soon. That is why it's called DATING. Now if they knew each other or something...

Jubi The Great said...

*sigh* I really hate that a lot of Black folks, especially Black women, don't know how to date. We do stuff like "talking" (which is really dating) or just hang out all the time & say we're bf/gf. Anyway, no she doesn't have to tell them specifically that she's dating more than 1 guy. If one of these dating situations evolves into a serious relationship, she must let the other guy know, and not by simply avoiding his phone calls.

I also really hate that she asked you if it was ok to date more than 1 guy at a time *sigh* Dee, you are grown. Therefore you can choose to do whatever the hell it is you want to do. You will grow & learn that other people's opinions matter less and less. Anyway, here's a good rule of thumb - as long as you're being true to yourself, and not harming anyone else in the process or breaking the law, it's generally ok to do it. Of course there are exceptions to every rule...or you can just make your own rules & live your life on your own terms.

TrulyPC said...

I've never been much of a juggler.  If I am interested in dating someone else after I have already been dating someone then it usually signifies my  loss of interest in someone #1.  I do believe in being upfront about the fact that I consider dating to be the getting to know you stage.  If we are dating (#NoCOCOA) then we are still in that getting to know you stage and details outside of our dating profile are off limits. 

thinklikeRiley said...

Dee, do you ma.
The class for OverThinkers Anonymous starts in 5...4...3...2...1

quinne said...

She doesnt have to tell one guy about the other just yet, but she does need to start asking certain questions to see where each guy head is in regards to her as well as dating in general. Dont assume with guys, just becuase guy 1 or guy 2 hasnt said something about feelings or even their personal dating situation that they feel the way you THINK they do; dont leave it up to your own perception of the sitaution.

the ONLY reason she would tell the other guys is to avoid the awkwardness of finding out that they are family/run in the same circles. But that goes back to my "ask questions" directive, and in doing that she should be cool. 

CaliGirlED said...

Hey Dee! Nice letter. I don't really like multi-dating, I tend to like one guy at a time, sans a few crossovers in the past. LOL....Anywho, I believe in being upfront with people. Even if it's as simple as "I'm dating". You don't owe anymore explanation than that until like Chele said feelings and cocoa come in to play.

Question: Did you tell either of them you were not seeing anyone else? No? Carry on!...If you did, you may want to amend that statement.

You're 23, HAVE FUN!!!

CaliGirlED said...

 HA!!! Shut up Riley! LOL

Sol_dier said...

Hey Dee, That's not tacky, thats dating. 
Personally, I wouldn't say anything unless 
a) I was asked about it 
b) one of them asked me to be exclusive (weigh the options in case you don't want exclusivity)
c) cocoa was being stirred 

In my experience, guys get funny sometimes when you mention things like that, some guys would think you were trying to pressure them into 'coupledom'.

Stay safe, have fun.

motown_skater said...

aaaahhahahahahahahaha!

wait let me get my pen and pad while i'm laughing....

Natasha said...

*hangs head* I need to join this class....

tishatweets said...

IMO, only thing either of them needs to know is that you're not exclusive with either of them. Unless you find out you're dating, like, a family member or close friend of theirs, they never need to know who else it is you're seeing.

Lady4Real said...

ALL THIS RIGHT HERE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>as long as you're being true to yourself, and not harming anyone else in the process or breaking the law, it's generally ok to do it. Of course there are exceptions to every rule...or you can just make your own rules & live your life on your own terms.<<<<<<<<<ALL THIS RIGHT HERE, motto for the current place in my life. Thanks Jubi!!!!!

MariSol said...

I agree with Chele. As long as no one is declaring love, do what you like.

Angel on a Quest said...

Hi Dee!  You're good.  Dating is not a relationship, but a way to get to know someone else to see if a relationship is what you both want.  Frequently, men make assumptions that women are dating them exclusively, and women do the same, but until there is talk about exclusivity, any assumptions are unwarranted.

I really liked your comment, too, about being fair to everybody.  I think you are, and I admire that you're including yourself in that equation.  Have fun!

blackprofessor said...

I am going to stop here as Jubi as said it all!  Pay close attention to these pearls of wisdome!

Diana said...

Trust me, being non-Black, we don't know how to date either. We're all just making it up as we go along. *sigh*

GuessImJay said...

Dee, this is what 23 was made for. Enjoy.

La said...

I juggled when I was younger. And you're doing it right. I wouldn't volunteer this info just yet. If talk of sex or exclusivity comes up, then it's a convo that needs to be had. And if either person asks, don't lie. And for God's sake, don't overexplain. You are seeing other people, but not exclusively. That's all she wrote. You owe them honesty, not details.

Page Bartlett said...

This right here-> "And if either person asks, don't lie. And for God's sake, don't overexplain.
There it is.

Whitney said...

Dee good job, enjoy your life!

LikeLena said...

Stick with us, Dee - we've been there, done that, turned the t-shirt into a dishrag and started all over again.

CaliGirlED said...

"You owe them honesty, not details."....That's what I'm sayin!

Bryan Anthony said...

Yes sir.

EvolvingElle said...

As it has been stated before, guys can get kinda in their feelings if they find out you're dating more than one person, so be prepared for some backlash.  However, DO NOT feel bad.  Neither one is your man, so you have nothing to feel guilty about.  Enjoy life, but be safe and smart about it! 

ShaiUnfiltered said...

Someone should write a real dating handbook "What to do when..." and not make it about some shiggity. <--I nominate @onechele 

Jay said...

you are free to date as many people as you like. The point of dating is taking the time to decide who you'd like to become exclusive with. I say don't say anything until the conversation of exclusivity come to play or cocoa, other that enjoy yourself the correct guy for you will play out between the two in due time.

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