Monday, July 02, 2012

The Awkward After


The after-the-breakup awkward is one of those uncomfortable period of adjustments that you just have to get through. There's no shortcut, no getting around it. If you are ever going to lay eyes on this person again in life, there's going to be something.

So there I stood, outside David's front door debating... should I knock, ring the doorbell? When you are used to pulling into the garage and letting yourself in, it's awkward to now follow rules of etiquette. With a sigh, I rang the doorbell. He came to the door, opened it and immediately asked, "Why didn't you pull in the back?" See? Awkward. I just shrugged, said hello and stepped in.

There's no delicate way to gather up your stuff from someone else's house. In the past, to avoid long drawn out awkwardization, I tended to tip over when I knew the person wouldn't be home. If someone was coming to get stuff from my place, I had it already packaged. (Or burning on the front driveway, a la Waiting to Exhale..."Get yo' shit!" Okay, maybe not) My favorite post break-up was the ex who mailed all the stuff I had ever given him to my house. My mom's face when she saw the cuff links she had helped me pick out for him tossed into a cardboard box? Awesome (not!). BougieYoungerBro now rocks those. I believe in recycling.

Moving on... so I had a suitcase and a tentative smile as I eased past him towards the bedroom. I had hoped that he had pulled all the random stuff together and all I had to do was scoop and go. When I noticed none of this had been done, I sent him The Look. He shrugged, "Until you came to get it, it's like you're still here." Ouch. I nodded and began tossing hair products, potions and lotions into the bag. Cleared out my drawer, walked into the closet and sighed. I had stuff all over the damn place. Thankfully, he turned and walked out. It was uber-awkward having him watch me unhang an item, fold it and pack it away.

When I walked back out to the den, he was on the sofa. It was all kind of weird because we were passed the sad phase and onto the resigned 'this is how it's gonna be' phase. Maybe because we both knew this day was coming. There was only one thing left to do. I handed over the garage door opener, the keys and the engagement ring I'd never gotten in the habit of wearing. That made him angry.
"Keep the ring." 
"Nope." 
"It was specifically for you. Not like I'm going to give that ring to someone else." 
"Okay then, take it back to the jeweler and get credit or exchange or something." 
"Michele, I don't want the damn ring back. It's yours." 

I did not want to argue. I nodded, "Okay. Talk to you later," and as I walked past the front table, I set the ring down and headed out the door. Saturday, in the mail, the ring came back with a note, "I said keep it."  With the underline. Arrgh!


BougieLand, any nice neat way to retrieve personal items from exes? Has anyone had any drama with this? And let's take a straw poll - who thinks I should keep the ring and who thinks I should send it back? Thoughts, comments, insights?

45 comments:

keisha brown said...

Man. It really is over. *sniffles like I know you in real life*

When I broke up with my ex in ny - I too knew it was coming so packed everything up on my last trip there.

My most recent ex and I had a running joke with his toothbrush. He knew I was mad and over it when he'd come over looking for it and it would be gone. It became a symbol of the vicious cycle that was our relationship. I bought several of them over the course of our courtship - thankfully that was the only thing really I had to deal with.

GrownAzzMan said...

I doubt there is a good way. At least the two of you were civil about it. I seem to end up in scorched earth situations at times like this. It was sad all over again reading this today.

This single tear thing has got to stop. Pimp Down!

Superwoman said...

oh lordy!!! awkward FOR SURE!! so sorry. but i reckon you need to stop being overly stubborn about the ring. just put it someplace safe, and what happens going forward, happens...it could turn into a long, dragged-out business, you guys posting and couriering the thing up and down, unnecessarily prolonging the closure process. 

all the best!

CaliGirlED said...

Le Ginormous Huge Sigh!!!

Like GrownAzzMan  said, it was sad all over again! And I felt all of that pain and disappointment as I was reading the post.

DO NOT send the ring back! What you do with it is up to you, but DO NOT send it back. This is not the time to prove you're more stubborn than he is. I know you still care about him, so don't be hurtful.

Damn damn damn!!! *kicks small ashtray*

taut_7 said...

my stuff usually becomes a casualty of war. she can do whatever she likes with it. i'll buy new stuff. 

TNDRHRT said...

I'm still sad that you guys had to part ways.  I know that was hard for you both when you had to retrieve your belongings.  I've never really had to do that so I can only imagine the feelings.  I say keep the ring.  As Superwoman stated, put it somewhere safe.  A friend kept her engagement ring and eventually had the diamonds removed and put into a setting for a necklace.  It still had value...just not an emotional one.  Hugs to you, lady!

CaliGirlED said...

The worst break-up/pack-up that I had was when I had to put his daughter's stuff into bags along side his. Tears tears tears!!!

Break ups are never easy when you truly cared about the person. Especially when friends and family have intertwined.

Hugs to you both! Miss ya davidchase!

thinklikeRiley said...

Thug down next to Pimp.

thinklikeRiley said...

Wayment - ain't nothing catch fire? Ain't nobody being called bitches or sons of bitches?! Ya'll bougie even with the breakup. So damn civil.  Imma David to fall out begging "Baby don't leave me. Girl you ain't neva gonna find nobody like me!" just one good time. 

Somehow my shiggity always goes missing or ends up thrown into a bathtub of bleach the yard. Either way, if I left it there, I ont need it back. Thx doe.

Plus Riley strongly discourages ladies from leaving dey ish at my spot. This ain't Motel 6. We ain't leaving no light on for ya.

GrownAzzMan said...

"Wayment - ain't nothing catch fire? Ain't nobody being called bitches or sons of bitches?! Ya'll bougie even with the breakup."

*fist bump*

Jubi The Great said...

I has the sads all over again :-( I'm really sorry you guys broke up.

Like TAUT, I tend to treat my stuff as a casualty of war. I consider it permanently gone unless I get a box in the mail.

In this instance, I think you should keep the ring. Clearly David doesn't want it back & you've tried twice to give it to him. IDK, I'd feel weird abt keeping it tho. I didn't keep mine cause I didn't want that reminder in my jewelry box.

LikeLena said...

Le Sigh. I always pack up their stuff and drop it off at their house. My stuff I try and take with me on my way out the door. It's always awkward and uncomfortable. 

LikeLena said...

Oh Lawdy.

Amanda Raquel Santiago said...

Keep the ring and if it holds no value..take it in for credit or exchange..if holding on to even credit for the ring bothers you...donate the funds to a church or something

Anonymous said...

I so wish he had not given you a ring. Oh, the ego takes a long time to heal. Put it away. Years from now, when he's moved on, you can return it if that feels right.

Proposals should be mutually agreed to thing in my mind, not a TV movie event. So messy. I'm sorry for both of you.

blackprofessor said...

This is sad all over again but at least you guys kept it classy.  Like others have said, I chuck the deuces to my stuff unless I left behind something I really want.  When I have to retrieve that, I usually try to meet in a public place to lessen the emotional drama. 

I think you should keep the ring and figure out what you want to do with it later.

MeetCharlieL said...

He said he wanted you to keep the ring. So keep the ring. Congrats on a civilized breakup. Mine always go thermal nuclear meltdown.

C Nelson said...

 Oh, man. I dated one guy with two children who were just a bit older than mine. Leaving him? No biggie. Leaving them tore me in a million tiny pieces. And there were no more children in my dating life. None. I just couldn't do it twice.

C Nelson said...

 I'm sorry.  :(  I feel so bad for both of you -- and there's just no way out but through.

Angela said...

I've had a couple long-term relationships, but I've never made a habit of leaving anything (unless it was something I didn't care about) at his place and I didn't encourage them to leave stuff at mine. I wasn't being mean, it just seemed simpler that way--probably because I knew I wouldn't be saying yes to either one of them even though I wished it could be different.

Keep the ring. I'm really sorry it hasn't worked out for you two...

chriscogmta said...

don't keep the ring.  and don't keep playing hot potato with it either (one of you will end up looking like Roy Williams).  Call him and tell him that keeping the ring is not making a CLEAN break and he should either take it back or accept that you will pawn it and use the proceeds for the Remnants of Hope Scholarship Fund (if he chooses option B, I'll shoot you the info).  Hopefully, it all stays above the belt.

GuessImJay said...

I saw the ring. Keep it. Or give it to me and I'll build an addition onto my house. Just saying. It's an option.

bashowell said...

I say keep the ring.  Put it in a safety deposit box and call it a day.  Any leftover "stuff" I just treat as a casualty.  I tend to never hang around S.O.'s places - it's always on my territory so not much of my stuff goes missing aside from random bits like CDs or cameras.  Theirs, however...*eyes dvd collection*

Mo said...

Wow.... sad. I was looking for the post, "we patched things up."  In my MJ voice, this.is.it.

I had an  ex put my expensive clothes under the sink (which was leaking). Oh, he had a picture of me up, he changed it to his family's pic.

Angel Blanca said...

It's not over yet. There's still too much between you both, which is evident in the bouncing ring...and DLC's comment, "Until you came to get it, it's like you're still here."  Of course, I see the issues of control you both struggle with in your interactions, too, which is likely one of the issues that led to cleaning out your things.

I still have boxes of things that were left unclaimed, and I keep them in the attic. I used to think that the owner would come back for them, so I held on to them. I didn't even remember this fact until just now. I sense some cleaning out coming in the near future...

As for my things, well, I begin removing them along the way, so that when I'm gone, all of my things are gone already. I hate awkward!

Finally, keep the ring, Chele. Put it up. Don't make a decision about it right now, as you're still too invested at this point. David, I can understand having that ring being like salt in the wound, so be open with explaining that to Chele.  If this is truly the end, and you all don't work your way back to each other, then let more time elapse before you make a decision about what becomes of the ring.

Truly, my heart hurts by this, so I can only imagine what you're both going through. Wishing you both peace and healing.

aishao1122 said...

keep the ring, it's just a reminder to him of what he has lost. There is no good way to pack up and leave someone without there being awkwardness.  It's better than my ex cleaning his gun while I'm packing up my stuff, all the time, saying "don't forget the ..." and "take that you bought it I don't need it" Le Sigh, trying to remember who bought what when a marriage/relationship is over has got to be one of the worst downers ever. 

CaliGirlED said...

 Cleaning his gun??? O_O

Sangali said...

"Thug" just doesn't seem to give a complete and accurate description of you, Riley.  Maybe "Bougie Thug"?  "Educated Thug"? "Evolved Thug"? "Thug-ISH"?  "Urban Man with Thug Tendencies"? Do any of these work? lol

chriscogmta said...

sounds like you got out just in time!!

Gods_Man said...

This only happened to me once. She called me back to OUR apartment and told me my stuff was in a box on the table. Is is of course after we decided we were both committed to our relationship. The funny thing was when I found the card she left inside the box months later. It said if I felt she was making a mistake I should come back.

As far as the ring goes, I would put it away. You never know what the future may hold for the two of you.

Vroshell said...

Lol! Love it!

Tonda Williams said...

I'll be back to comment after I kick a FEW cans, walls & doors.. I can NOT deal with this breakup....*UGH*

Leon X said...

To add some levity to the situation, a lot of MC's like to use the word "dramatical."

Jamie Wesley said...

Umm, can you write about when y'all get back together? Yes, I'm in denial and plan to stay that way.

tiffanyinhouston said...

Ya'll ain't done. I'm calling it this very day.

iExemplifyKool said...

I'm learning ALOT from you Chele!!

BrendaKay said...

Keep the ring. But it away for now, someplace where you won't see it on a regular basis. And if in one year's time from today, you're not back with David, then you can do with it as you please with a clear conscious. But rushing to make a decision right now when emotions are still fresh and raw, will only cause you some sort of regret. 

Wambuig said...

I say he needs to keep it and so that when you get back together he can get down on one knee like he should have and not toss it across the table. IJS...

Brenda Kay said...

Disqus is giving me fits tonight. So let me post my comment again with a typing correction:

Keep the ring. But put it away for now, someplace where you won't see it on a regular basis. And if in one year's time from today, you're not back with David, then you can do with it as you please with a clear conscious. But rushing to make a decision right now when emotions are still fresh and raw, will only cause you some sort of regret. 

The_A said...

*rushes in* am I too late for the Bougieland Prayer Circle of Hope Faith & Divine Intervention?if so, I'll cosign w/ Brenda Kay give it some time(translation: Code BLUE Paging Dr. Jayme!)

CorettaJG said...

I'm getting awkward feelings rushing back just reading this.  It's all so awkward.  *sigh*

I've only done this once and yes, if there are kids involved it's even more difficult.  Still chatting with my former stepkids now.

Marioned said...

Yes it can be quite awkward.  You offered him the ring, he said no.   Keep it for now and let time take you where you need to be.  All the best!!!

Brneyed1 said...

Cosign.  Breaking up with the kids tears your heart out...

Brneyed1 said...

He brought my things to my place and sat them outside on the patio table in the back yard, which is where he picked up his box of items that I'd left for him.  No words were exchanged.  I don't even know when he arrived.

And keep the ring.  Just because.  Put it away in a safe deposit box.  If you two don't find your way back to one another some time and healing, donate/exchange it.  

SassyJJ said...

I'm with Team Ya'll Ain't Over... soooo...

:)

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails