Tuesday, July 10, 2012

How soon is too soon?


Okay now. I appreciate those of you that were classy enough to offer an ear, a shoulder, a keyboard for me to vent on after hearing about my breakup. Thanks so much, ya'll totally rock. But some of ya'll - and no, I'm not going to call you out your names - were just plain wrong.

Three of you offered to set me up with your freinds. Two of you wondered if David is back on the market yet. And more than a few of the fellas were offering complete other body parts for me to lean on in my time of recovery. What part of the game is that? To dude who said, "The best way to get over one is to get on another one," might I say... no thank you?

This got me to thinking. How soon is too soon to holla at someone just going through a break up? I mean, is someone rolling up on Katie Holmes-Cruise right about now? Shouldn't there be a sort of cooling off, neutral zone, palate-cleansing period?

I know the standard protocol for a widowed person to begin dating again is one year. (No idea where I read that, chances are I just made it up) I don't know if there's a divorced person protocol. I guess it depends on why the divorce happened and how long it took to be finalized. I mean if one party or the other was stepping out, all bets are off - right? Or if the divorce has been lingering for months and months,

But a break-up protocol? Hmm... Shouldn't you at least wait until the post about the break-up is at the bottom of the webpage, the body is cold, and I've changed my Facebook status? I mean, take a person's relationship temperature before you come at them all sideways! Or is that just me?

I always need a hiatus (those of you who have been around a while know this) before even thinking about being onto the next. Other friends of mine end one relationship and are back out there a week or so later. I guess it depends on where you are and what you thinking and feeling. 

BougieLand, what say you? How soon is too soon for a person to holla at someone they know just went through a break up? How soon is too soon for that person to "get back on the horse" so to speak? Thoughts, comments, insights?

50 comments:

Javalicious said...

On the one hand - BWAHAHA! You knew this was coming, right?
On the other hand - Life is short, go head and get it in.
Then again (I ran outta hands) - folks could have a little couth. I'm still hurt over your breakup so I can only imagine how yo feel.

Ms_Toni said...

I wouldn't approach someone who broke up until they announced that they were ready to date again, especially if it's a relationship that lasted longer than 6 months. 

Unless it's Dwayne Johnson or Maxwell -- all bets are off at that point.

GrownAzzMan said...

I can only speak for me but I'm ready when I'm ready. I don't believe there should be a set recovery time. However, tacky is still tacky IMHO. Some of those you wrote about should already be sitting down...SMH

As for whether anyone is tryinta holla at Katie, by all accounts she is a very wealthy woman. I bet the line forms right over there ==========>

GrownAzzMan said...

Maybe for some Chele is their Maxwell...IJS

CaliGirlED said...

 MAN!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Every time I try to declare my denouncement of profanity, THIS kind of shiggity is brought to light! I feel like the Godfather (Michael) when he said, "Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in!"

All those talked about in paragraph 2 (and you know who you are), I need you to go sat down over there ----------> with Janella from Jackson!!!

*stomps off mumbling and slams the damn door*

Alia Moss said...

I remember my parents describing many a person as "so uncouth" when I was younger. I think I'm going to bring this phrase back!
I think returning to the dating scene is a subjective choice. I would like a chance to reflect as well as a minute to be a little selfish, control the remote, eat the big piece of chicken again.
I don't think it's too much to ask that the post at least be off the sidebar before folks start sniffing around.

thinklikeRiley said...

I bet I could guess at least two of the fellas who were e-hollering two minutes after you posted. SMDH
There's no time limit but dang, let someone take a deep breath first. 

GrownAzzMan said...

Props for the Godfather reference. Only good thing to come out of Godfather III

GrownAzzMan said...

Like I always say sometimes, tacky is as tacky does...

Jubi The Great said...

With my own breakups, I tend to wait a while before entering into a relationship, tho I will date casually if I'm feeling up to it, that depends on the breakup & how I'm feeling.

As for how long to wait after someone else's breakup, I think you should at least wait until the person has given the "all clear" & said they are ready to date again. Seems like a lot of folks do that "let me pretend to be a friend so I can be first in line when they are single" which is the worst. No Country for Fake Ass Friends Who Are Scheming On You.

Reecie said...

my roundabout guesstimate of getting back "on the horse" is 3-6 months. but even if you start dating and hanging out with new people in that time frame, know the person probably still not completely "over" their ex. You gotta move on though. now if someone wants to entertain you before that, they should know they just may be a rebound. if they are cool with that its on them...

Michele said...

If someone is only interested in being the rebound than I guess they would holla ASAP.  But who wants to be a rebound?  I steer clear of people who are fresh out of relationships.  I cannot be a sounding board for all things that went wrong in your relationship.  As for my own waiting period ... it's a long one.  I need time to regroup.  I only recently started dating after a 2+ year hiatus.

SingLikeSassy said...

I think it depends on how the relationship ended and the person.

I was dating last year while I was separated and it was fun, but I wasn't then and am not now ready for a relationship, so I stopped.

But I do think it was in bad taste for people to read the post and then approach you about dating you or dating David. I hope they aren't regular posters because that would be disappointing.

OneChele said...

Dear God, I hope not. 

GuessImJay said...

I like how you say "it was in bad taste" that's the proper term. I'm thinking it's ass-kick worthy.

CorettaJG said...

THIS is clearly too soon! Lawd!

TNDRHRT said...

I say the time limit is set by the person who has just ended a relationship.  A month...a year...up to that person when they want to jump back in the game. Many times the person may not be ready for a serious relationship, but is still desiring some company...whatever form that may take.   However, the 'rebound' person should be well aware of where they stand and not hope/wish for anything more with the recent brokenhearted.  That's where feelings get hurt.  Know what lane you're driving in and who's in the car with you.

CaliGirlED said...

I know, it just didn't hold up to the first two. But I love the Corleone's so much that I still watch it. LOL

CaliGirlED said...

"No Country for Fake Ass Friends Who Are Scheming On You."....Yes in-damn-deed!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Jay is bout it bout it!!! Love him! That's right stand up for yo boy!

CaliGirlED said...

As is commonplace here in BougieLand, let's take this as a lesson. For those who were inappropriate, you now know better so please do better. I am going to ASSume that you did not know you were out of line. Like the line is here____ and you were way over there ----->.

If you were offering up yourself to Chele, you were selling yourself short. Never volunteer to be the Rebound Guy, or assume that you are God's cure to a woman's broken heart. If you were offering up your boy for Chele, you are not a good friend (or maybe you just had a bad mental moment). And if you inquired with Chele whether or not David was back on the market :-/, your citizenship has been revoked!!!

I agree with others that the recovery time is situational and different for everyone.

ASmith said...

My rule of thumb is when a person's ready to get back out there, they'll give the appropriate signs.  So approaching someone who just broke up is always out of order.  If they wanted your opinion or your input or your...anything else... they would let you know.

Idk what sort of ratchet we got lurking off up in Bougieland for real, but I DO recall seeing a comment once upon a time that let Chele know if David didn't do right somebody was waiting so I'm not surprised.  Y'all be tryna trick me but I shan't be tricked.

Angela said...

I have never been one to carry emotional baggage from one relationship into another--unlike way too many others who jump from one to the next--so I withdraw and purge. The length of time needed depends on who it was and how it ended. One ex told me that I "get ghost" because I seem to disappear for a while. That process has always served me well.

For all you inappropriate people, just stop it! Stop skimming this blog and actually read it from time to time. You may learn something about how to conduct yourself in life. 

Angela said...

Excellent point, GAM!

Trey Charles said...

*sends side-eyes to the left and the right and rolls out sans comment*

keishabrown said...

i think it depends on 
a) how long the relationship was
b) how serious it got
c) how it ended

all those factors and what stage you are in, in life make it impossible to say. it's gotta be when you feel you are ready. 

as for the inappropriate offers... yeah.. im with Trey. 

keishabrown said...

bwahahaaa  at citizenship being revoked. 
and don't look at Canada either!! ;)

Dr. Peppa said...

What part of the game????

chriscogmta said...

I think  you should give it a month after a break-up, no matter how serious it was.  That doesn't mean that you are smanging somebody 31 days after you day adios but I think a month is long enough to the be angry, be sad, and then get your ish together.  Any longer and you might want to revisit the relationship, cause you obviously think something is still there.  After a month you should be  open to the idea of a date or company with the opposite sex, just to get out there and remember what it feels like.

bashowell said...

>_> Oh.  People have no home training.

I usually end up taking 2+ years b/t relationships.  No need to rush. If I don't feel like it then I'm not available.

Mo said...

Not only do I find it  uncouth, I also find it direspectful, like you think I'm an easy lay.

The_A said...

No Country for Fake Ass Friends Who Are Scheming On You <<<ALL of this!!!

please note: just because I'm single, doesn't mean YOU'RE chances have improved. Sit! Stay!

The_A said...

I applaud Michele for keeping it on the higher ground yet again & not  naming names

..... this time...

CaliGirlED said...

"Sit! Stay!"....*falls out*

CaliGirlED said...

Hey OneChele I got some peeps in Dallas, let me hook a sistah up! I have yet to meet them, doe, but you know I'm just sayin!

GrownAzzMan said...

I just have to say that some of y'all don't fully understand the benefits of being the rebound guy/girl. At least that is what I've heard...LOL

Angel Blanca said...

I'm with you. I think I might need some breathing room, too, particularly after having a very public relationship.  I wonder if those that came at you would appreciate being as public about their intentions...

Angel Blanca said...

 Girl, stop!! *whispers* you have any peeps in DC? lol

Marioned said...

Whatever works for you.  For me it has varied.  Depending on the how and the why it ended.  I always do a bit of reflection to see what I could have done differently: Not that it would change the outcome but more for  my personal growth.

Moabmu said...

What's the term you use? . . . Um, I think that would be THIRSTY!

- Those  attempting to get at you, like 2 minutes after the breakup? Those would be thirsty, trifling MFs! Oops, I meant to say "individuals".
- Those attempting to play matchmaker? Please inform them to stop "thirsting" on your behalf. When you want a 'drink' you'll get it yourself.
-Dem ho's that actually formed their lips, keyboards, etc. to inquire of whether or not David is now available? They're thirstin' to be slapped like Angela Bassett slapped the mistress in 'Waiting to Exhale'. Damn people, simply do/be better.

Now, to answer the question - I believe AT LEAST a 3-6 month hiatus should be taken after a breakup, particularly if it was a serious relationship. People need time to release all of the 'free radicals' that may have accumulated.

CaliGirlED said...

 I don't Angel. LOL

CaliGirlED said...

 Stop it! LMAO

TrulyPC said...

Wow.  Some people can be so tacky.

Because there is always the potential to carry emotional baggage forward everyone should want to take a breath.  I have always needed time to myself and that has varied from a couple months to years.  

rozb said...

The time to jump back in the pool is your time. Not some pre-determined timeline some ratched-assed self-proclaimed relationship guru puts on you (side-eye to all those comedian/actor/author/game show hosts out there). Your comfort level will help you to decide who, when, where, and how.

Timelines are relative - I dated a guy using all the expert steps for a couple of years, >PSSHHHHTTTT< just like that, it deflated, fizzled, and was gone. Then I met a man, freaked, fell in love, and got married in a little over a year and have never been happier.

To all of you offering to console Chele or David with random body parts, sweet nothings and what-nots - cut it out. It is funky, unworthy of Bougieness but definitely slap-worthy.

Sol_dier said...

I don't think there is any protocol anymore. It's time when you decide its time.
But thats your timetable, for others they see an opening and they will run for it, there's no account for other people's sense of timing and decency.
 

Jeannette said...

Ummm hello i'm in Dallas... hook THIS sistah up!

CaliGirlED said...

 Hey Jeannette!!! I'll be out there at the end of this month, I'll see what they're lookin like and talkin bout!

Brenda Kay said...

Is CaliGirlED starting up a Black and Bougie Match Making service? Inquiring mind would "love" to know. LoL!

CaliGirlED said...

 *falls out* NO I am not! LOL!!! Y'all know I was being sarcastic, hell I'm still trying to hook myself up! But then I guess that would be noble of me to hook up others as I yet await to be hooked up. Bwahahaha!!!

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails