Monday, July 09, 2012

Ask a Bougie Chick - People just don't understand


Blogger's Disclaimer: I really do try and steer away from the uberRatchet Ask A Bougie Chick letters. There are many (many!!) that I read, shake my head and say - um... no. But this girl was just so earnest and positive that she's in the right... I couldn't resist. But before we read the letter, an anecdote:

My older brother is a trauma surgeon. From time to time, he'll call with ridiculously outlandish tales from the hospital. Once when he was in Shreveport, he talked about a man and his sig-oth that came in regularly. Usually on a Saturday night, liquored up and one or the both of them would have minor stab wounds. Yes, their idea of good times was go out drinking, get mad at each other and take out the switchblades and make like West Side Story... um without the singing and dancing. One night they came in and the man did not survive his wound. His woman got angry and said, "He never died on me before, I only stabbed him a little bit." Ooo-kay. That's the story that came to my mind when I received this letter:
Dear Chele,
I'm 31 and I've been with my man, KJ for two years. My boyfriend and I have what I guess some one call a tempestuous relationship. We live together and there's a lot of passion between us. We do argue a lot usually pretty loudly, sometimes in public. We've had the police out here half dozen times telling us we're disturbing the neighbors with either our fights or our making up.  We're not violent with each other but emotions do run high. All of my friends and family tell me that's too much damn drama but we can't stay away from each other. It's like we have a chemistry, a force field that draws the two of us together. We truly love each other. 
This past month, things have sort of escalated as far as our on again off again status. He threatened to leave and we had a huge fight. I ended up putting half his clothes in the bathtub and pouring bleach on them. Then when I threatened to leave. He slashed two of my tires. But he paid to have them replaced and we laughed about it later. When we made up, it was that much sweeter. We're just over the top like that. Why don't people understand, this is just how we are? 
believe we are destined to be together that this is the only man who loves and accepts me as I am. Even though we fuss and fight, I know he loves me. But everyone is saying I'm in an unhealthy place and I need to think this over. What do you think?
Janella in Jackson
Janella - Sorry, I don't know you or your man but I agree with your people. That's too much nonsense and foolishness. I'm not sure how you are defining love but it sounds to me like your relationship is about the adrenaline high you get from the rollercoaster of drama you all perpetuate. The endorphin high from the crazy  makeup cocoa has you all mixed up. 

You mention bleached clothes and slashed tires like these are regular and okay occurrences for a stable relationship. No ma'am.  Are you listening? No. MA'AM! Any relationship that brings the po-po to your door on the regular is no bueno. At the very least, you need some time away to see what normal is. By normal, I mean a peaceful quiet existence where you aren't pendulum swinging from mountain high to valley high day to day. Slashed tires do not equal love. And if you are trashing clothes and he's slashing tires, where do you escalate to from here? No place good. Based on what you've told me, this is not a healthy relationship. You do create a  force field but it's not a good one. But let me ask the readers... 

BougieLand, you know how I feel about relationships that could headline a Lifetime Movie of the Week. What do you have for Janelle and KJ? Do you know people in relationships like this? Is it just me or are they doing too damn much? The floor is yours, please share.

70 comments:

Ms_Toni said...

NAWL. Everyone is correct. This isn't healthy. It may BE the way you are, but that doesn't mean that it's right.  If this is the man you're destined to be with, can you imagine if you have kids?  All of this that they'll be around?  And don't think that children will calm you guys down, because it won't. In my experience children highlight whatever is there in the first place, good or bad.  

Let go of this destructive relationship so you both can find the people you're truly destined to be win.  You mentioned both being in a force field...well, force fields REPEL.  Let it go, dear.  Passionate and drama free love awaits you.

ishtar_79 said...

Janelle in Jackson needs therapy.

thinklikeRiley said...

Too early on a Monday for diz ish.
Dey both need Jesus, Dr. Phil and matching restraining orders.
Riley ont play like dat.

LikeLena said...

No. Just no.

CaliGirlED said...

Man that first paragraph had Lackawanna Blues written all over it!!! Anyone remember  Pauline (Macy Gray) and Jimmy (Michael Kenneth Williams)? LOL!!! *goes back to finish reading*

Jason P said...

I'm sorry. I don't speak ratchet.

MsJamie14 said...

:-/
 
Why would you even want a relationship like this? Really? You do know you can have a passionate relationship with a man that "accepts you as you are" and loves you without all this extraness and drama. Like for real dude.
 
Folks, can we please get our standards together? Please. Y'all are watering down the dating pool for the rest of us. The fact that you could even fix your fingers to even defend a relationship like this...just no.

*sigh*

FullBloom said...

There is nothing healthy, normal, or loving about this drama disguised as a relationship.  Run Janella run and don’t look back before you waste lose any more time.  I hope you get the opportunity to find someone that’s simply sweet and good to you.  I hope you get the chance to know what “good love” feels like without the drama and chaos.

Mr. Skyywalker said...

Sad to say I know a lot of folks in relationships like this. We call this hoodrat love, there's a whole bunch of fussing and fighting and out of pocket behavior. There are a lot of people who think that this over the top Tyler Perry type of love story is the only way to know if someone truly cares.

How about I care enough not to cut a fool, get arrested and sling bleach every whichaway? How about that?

Janella, boo-boo, do better. Immediately. 

CaliGirlED said...

I.can.not.with.this. She wrote the letter, explained the intricacies of her tumultuous relationship, shared the disapproval of her family and friends and proceeded to defend the  ratchedness relationship. Then ended with "What do you think?"....GTEFOH and go sat down way over there!!!------------------>

tishatweets said...

She lost me way up there at "arguing in public." I knew then nothing good would follow.

What an awful, taxing, tiresome relationship! What she's describing isn't passion. It's immaturity. Instead of making any effort to preserve this relationship she would do better to take that same effort and invest in a really good therapist.

JaymeC said...

I've been out of the country for over six weeks and I come back to THIS?! Letters like this make me want to run screaming. This. Is. Not. Love. It's a co-dependent maelstrom of shiggity about to explode. The difference between good chemistry and bad chemistry is very simple...
Fireworks are good. C4 is bad.
Get out Janella. And get some help defining healthy relationships and boundaries.

JaymeC said...

And FURTHERMORE - Why is she asking a Bougie chick about this?! She should ask a round the way girl and see what they have for her.

MsJamie14 said...

I totally wondered this too. Like, do you learn anything here? LOL

GuessImJay said...

Yo no comprendo.
Where's the hotness in this?
Coming home wondering if my possessions are in tact or I have enough cash on me for bail is the exact opposite of hotness.

MeetCharlieL said...

I dated a "Janella" once.
Do. Not. Want.

Grace said...

Booooo.
That's all I got.

daisy said...

I know people hate when we throw the word crazy around but... ur... um.
When it fits???

Man's World said...

+1

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

*blink*  Just don't bring children into this - please!

CaliGirlED said...

Welcome back Doc C!!! "Fireworks are good. C4 is bad....THIS!!!

GrownAzzMan said...

What everyone else already said.

CaliGirlED said...

 I asked the SAME thing is Twittville! For the what how come why would she think a bougie chick in BougieLand would have something good to say about these shenanigans???

Earthangel172 said...

I don't argue with people and trying to argue with me in public will get you dropped in a heartbeat. I don't play that ish! It's clear that you guys don't respect yourselves, each other and those around you.

If I was heartless I would suggest you that guys stay together so that you can save the rest of us from the cray cray. However, it's only a matter of time before you seriously hurt each other (or some innocent bystander) so please part ways and get your arse some anger management counseling (and bi-polar meds) ASAP.

Angela said...

Seek professional help. Immediately cease and desist watching reality tv programs.

Earthangel172 said...

"Folks, can we please get our standards together? Please. Y'all are watering down the dating pool for the rest of us."

This!

Angel Blanca said...

 Sounds like they both need to see good, qualified, therapists...separately and together (the latter only because she seems convinced that they belong together, and he seems to be feeding that, too).

M Dot said...

When you throw something at me, I take that as a sign that my companionship is no longer needed. Just send me to HR with my belongings in a cardboard box.

Earthangel172 said...

 LMAO! Great movie though.

TypeALady said...

No Ma'am!  Anytime your relationship's theme music resembles the opening chords from "Hawaii Five-O", complete with a carefully remixed "Book 'em Danno", it's beyond time to bounce!  No truly loving, respectful, safe, and thoughtful relationship requires visits from Officer Friendly, insurance deductibles or chemical agents, not nary a one.  #nowyouknow

CaliGirlED said...

 *co-signs*

Jubi The Great said...

I don't understand how folks love these uber-dramatic, dysfunctional relationships. That is NOT bougie. That's just stupid as hell. If you constantly need arguing, fighting, etc in order to keep the excitement in your relationship, that should be a sign. That's not healthy, that's psychotic.

Jubi likes her relationships even keel. The moment you slash my tires is the moment we're done done done.

Jennifer said...

I can't help but think Miss Janelle must have grown up around a similar relationship to be so comfortable with this situation, and to think this is true love.  I agree with a previous poster, I hope they don't introduce children to this relationship.

happinessisme said...

Ugh uh. People mistake all this fighting for love. Love is not supposed to be a fight. These two do not bring out the best in each other. She sounds young and emotionally immature. She needs to grow up, breakup with him and probably remain single until she learns how to love herself. 

TrulyPC said...

"Why don't people understand, this is just how we are?"  When how you'll are is a powder keg looking for a light then there is nothing difficult to understand.  People should keep an acceptable clearance area because your type of  "love" is bound to end with an explosion worthy of incarceration or a tombstone. #GetHelpNow

blackprofessor said...

Janella in Jackson? U sure you aren't in Chicago because I know a couple just like you with slashed tires, bleach, police, family drama and all! 

Time is short! When it is all said and done, do you really want to be asking yourself why you WASTED so much time in a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship? I'm just saying...

C Nelson said...

Somebody please send that child a copy of Reinventing Your Life.  What those two have is a lot of passion -- she's absolutely right about that. But there's loving passion and meeting each other's needs, and then there's the passion that comes from playing on each other's weaknesses and triggering each other into being your worst selves. If police are involved and you're damaging property, you are not good for each other, and you may want to think about some counseling before you go another step together.

Chree Carr said...

If you were really okay being in this kind of relationship why are you trying to find justification from others?  #superconfused

If you both think this is cute then go for it.  That means both of you are two less crazy folks single people have to encounter.  I say live happily every after in your crazy bliss, but please don't bring kids into this mess.  Your children will take on the traits of you and that's neither healthy nor cool.  If 16 years from now I hear about some teenage boy slashing his prom dates tires I'll know it's your offspring...no ma'am. 

You seriously need to get some better relationship role models and a brighter future outlook because your current situation just can't be life. 

NY2VA said...

"We call this hoodrat love"
And when "hoodrat love" progresses, it becomes "graveyard love".   Graveyard love does not a bougie tale make.  

Seriously though, make a clean break  Janella,  before someone ends up dead, behind bars, or both.

NY2VA said...

I'm sure she already did and that's why she is in this predicament.   Ain't nobody else co-signing this. And trust, there is SOMEBODY co-signing.  

"Girl, you and KJ love each other.  People just don't understand your love that's all.  Don't be listening to them bougie negroes in your family.  They just hatin cuz they can."

Somebody not bougie has DEFINITELY said this or something similar and she believes it.  She clearly needs more bouge in her life.   Hell, if she won't trust family bouge, maybe she'll trust our  stranger bouge.

Mo said...

See... this  is why I stopped  watching BB wives after 1st season.   I just can't with kicking and throwing stuff. How are they functioning( this kind of living has to have an effect on your productivity  at work & life in general) day in & day out with this chaotic living?  Too much Ms. Janelle.  I need more & more  peace in my life, I'm just about to cut a family member b/c I can't deal with the dram  any more.

Ms Janelle, this  is not it. Take the money you guys are spending on slashed tires and  buying new clothes  and take a trip to Punta Cana, sounded like Xen type of place. Chele blogged about it  a  few blogs back.

bashowell said...

Jerry Springer much?  That's just all types of wrong.  No relationship is going to be without conflict but I can NOT be about that life.  Slashed tires and bleach?  No thanks.

literatebrit said...

De-lurking again. I just want to say that I had a roommate like this. She liked to have fights on the phone with her boyfriend. He'd cuss her out and they'd get into it and then out of nowhere, she'd be like "Oh, so how was your day?" Like they didn't just fight about when he got arrested. Unfortunately, I know several people who seem to think that drama is the only thing to have in a relationship. Oddly enough, they are the first to tell me about how they hate drama.

Only The Tall said...

Classic case of monkey see, monkey do. This woman grew up watching this craziness in her home as a child and now she thinks that's what real love is. Will she change? Nope. Does she want to? Nope. NEXT.

Only The Tall said...

This is some Bossip mess, not fit for intelligent, grown folk.

Only The Tall said...

This comment just made me laugh out loud! Hoodrat love to graveyard love...thank you for my laugh out moment to end my day. Merci from Paris!

Mykeia said...

Wow, sad.
Yesterday I asked my son to list off things that I wished/hoped for him in the future and the number one thing that he remembered me saying about relationships was this:  Don't get with anyone that hits you or says that they need to be hit in order to show love.
Couldn't believe that he remembered this, but I am glad that he listened, I just hope he practices it.
These people need help. 

Rep said...

She actually wrote that with a smile on her face bragging about this relationship.

What happens when this love affair runs its course and is over, and you take this "learned and accepted" behavior into another relationship? TROUBLE is what happens.

ShawnSoze said...

I hate (HATE), ya'll don't hear me doe HATE relationships like this. Dude at work and his girl (they are both straight out the trailer park) get down like this. She poured 4 gallons of orange soda in his new truck's gas tank so he took all her shoes and put them through the wood chipper. I gots no time for this level of shiggity. None. Stay away from each other and even better, stay away from the rest of us. We don't want to see it or hear it. At all.

OneChele said...

What do you mean he put all her shoes in the wood chipper?!?! Aw hells no. 

ShawnSoze said...

Yes ma'am. Made mulch out of her entire shoe collection.

OwenCinDallas said...

Everybody knows at least one couple that sad as it may be, you secretly wish for them to split up and spare the rest of us the drama. *sents stern side-eye to Janella and KJ*

Roselyn said...

De-lurking to say: I remember back when I thought like Janella. Growing up my family had two modes of operation, a)refusing to talk about even the most serious of problems or b) screaming/arguing about them at the top of our lungs for hours on end. It took me going away for college- like away away, other side of the country away- to realize this was really unusual and unhealthy in relationships. I was stuck in a mindset where if someone really cared about me and my opinion they had to be willing to go there and 'discuss' (read: argue) a problem until someone was declared right/the winner. Thankfully I met my BFF during college and his refusal to engage in such shenanigans while also being truly in my corner learned me something about what a healthy supportive relationship looks like. 

Years- and much much much therapy- later and I really get it. I make sure to tell him thanks for putting up with my cray cray while also supporting me in getting better all the time. Sadly, my family isn't on the same train sometimes and I have to put distance in our relationships. Otherwise 24 hours into a weekend visit home and I'm already planning how I'm gonna debrief with my therapist. 

Which is I guess my round about way of- talking about myself- saying that as sad as it makes me to see Janella's letter, it isn't something some *good* therapy can't fix. She'll probably need to establish some serious boundaries with the people in her life who encourage this relationship though (until/if she's ready to just let them go).

Brneyed1 said...

Janella, honey, I know you came here looking for support but this just ain't the place.  And I'm sure that telling you to leave is just going to fall on deaf ears, because you've been told that before and you still haven't left.  You two bring out the worst in each other, and everyone but you two can see it.


All I have for you is this: if it "escalated" once, it WILL "escalate" again.  TRUST and BELIEVE THAT.  Don't wanna see on the news a story about sistah named Janella in Jackson who died at the hands of her "man" KJ who just "loved too hard."

The_A said...

I just read "shoes in the wood chipper" in my TL & it was like a punch to my gut. 
It physically hurt & I think I may have audibly cried out. I'm traumatized...

Then I started reading today's post. I stopped at bleaching clothes, slashing tires & laughing together about it later.  I can't.

mojitochica said...

What do you have for Janelle and KJ? Both of y'all need professional help.  Go get some stat.

Do you know people in
relationships like this? Hell naw I don't know folks like this.  Chances are these two are
"highly dramatic" read cray cray in every other part of their lives
too.  I don't do cray cray.

Is it just me or are they doing too damn much?
It's not just you.

mojitochica said...

*gasp* Not the shoes?!?!?!?

JojoRaze said...

If KJ and Janella want to do War of the Roses 2.0, just remember that both of them ended up dead at the bottom of that staircase.

Two: Chele is a fool for her anecdote from her brother...all West Side Story like without the music and dancing? ROFL

grin and bear it said...

 The shoes (hers) and the ride (his). SMH. That's really hitting where it hurts.

CaliGirlED said...

Four gallons of orange soda in the gas tank of his new truck, though? You know how men are about their "toys"! LOL

tiffanyinhouston said...

So who's gonna end up with the bullet in the head, you or him? I mean, it's not like relationships were the couple is slap boxing ever end up on some happily ever after type shit.

 

invectiva said...

 Who destroys a motor like that? Ugh.

Sol_dier said...

2 reactions..
1) I want to point my finger and laugh whilst saying 'haaa haaa! Janelle you make a jokey jokey! haa haa! you playing with us, right?

2) A lot of passion between you? yeah .. yeah.. 
- Whilst other passionate couple are working their way through every single position in the kama sutra, you guys are...
- other couples working through all stages of tantric cocoa, you guys are....
- other couples busy trying to build and shield each other from the harshness of the world out there, you guys?

BDSM not good enough for you? 
Carry on. Keep using violence and childish immaturity to mask the fact that neither you nor he know how to love. 

Duchess K said...

Is this from Florida? I' m just saying...
People that have no communication skills conduct relationships like this. It is beyond petty, immature, and down right volatile.  Chick do you hear yourself?! He is passionate. Boo bye! I'm quite sure you knew when you decided to send this letter that your foolishness was exactly what everyone says it is, unhealthy and dangerous. Get out now and GO straight to a therapist! You need some help! Don't even send a text to each other or start seeing someone new. It will only put you closer to your grave. This type of violence is only going to escalate! Leave each other alone you are not a good mix AT ALL!  

SingLikeSassy said...

*walks into post, scans reader submission, sucks teeth, walks back out* 

rozb said...

I once had a man who broke it off with me for what he said was a lack of passion. When speaking later, he said he thought that since I didn't yell and "escalate", I really didn't care. I told him it was because I was psychotic like that and anger management classes saved his life.  He laughed thinking I was joking. I did not even crack a smile.

Nope. No more of that ratched-assed behavior for me. It is not love. It is a reason to go get some damn mental help. For real, Janella, stop playin'...

CorettaJG said...

This.

Melzie said...

Maybe it's me but anytime I hear/read "we're destined to be together" I always wonder what the missing word it...

...destined to me *miserable* together?
...destined to be *locked up* together?

Hate to say it but the around the way cliche of "people stay losin'" popped in my head. Hopefully she will realize that the connection they have is tied up in emotional extremes...not love...or any love I'd want...

Monica said...

 Appalling. That's a waste of some perfectly good orange soda.

Monica said...

 "I believe we
are destined to be together that this is the only man who loves and
accepts me as I am. Even though we fuss and fight, I know he loves me.
But everyone is saying I'm in an unhealthy place and I need to think
this over. What do you think?"Yall might be destined to be buried together. Today it's bleaching clothes and slashing tires but a day could come when stunts stop being enough and you resort to physical contact to get your point across.You both need to learn some conflict resolution skills that don't involve damaged property and police.

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