Friday, June 15, 2012

No Country for Sorry-Ass Excuses - Top Five


Earlier this week, one of the commenters shared that she found her man swirling cocoa with another woman all up in her apartment and the best he could come with was... "It's not what you think" - really, sir? That prompted me to share the top five lamest-assed excuses I've ever heard from people. Read them and weep.

1. "I did this for you" - Upon discovering that my boyfriend was hitting on my best friend and roommate, his explanation was that he wanted to be sure our relationship could withstand anything. Ri-ight. So calling my girl and leaving explicit messages (that he was in no way able to back up) on her machine where the whole house could hear them was his way of doing me a favor? In retrospect, he really did. I was done.

2. "You know the devil is busy" - This was the excuse I got when I found out that a friend of mine was a pathological liar. Like not nary one thing she said to me in an 18-month time span was true or based on anything like the truth. Lucifer is in these streets wreaking havoc, that's true. But old girl was just on a whole other level with it. You know what though? It was kind of diabolical.

3. "I might have misunderstand the parameters of our relationship" - Ah, the intellectual's excuse for why another woman's laundry was mixed in with his. I made sure to make clear the new parameters: I'm going over there, you stay right here. Next.

4. "I know what you thought you heard" - Riding in the car with this dude. His cell phone rings. He miscalculates the distance that sound travels and assumes I can't hear word for word what some random chick is saying to him. After her third explicit comment about what she could do for him if only he wasn't wasting his time with me, I suggested (loudly) that he turn said car around and take me home forth with. Huge (GIGANTIC) fight followed. It was the beginning of the end.

And my all time favorite...
5. "I can explain" - This appears to be a catch-all no matter what ratchety foolishness the other person has been up to. What I love about this one is that frequently, there really is no valid explanation. All the person can (and should) really do is hang their head, say "I'm sorry, please forgive me" and keep it pushing. And yet, they feel compelled to pull some flavor of explanation together. 

BougieLand, doncha love these?! Any more for the list? Have you heard/used/ignored a few of these in the past? Lamest explanations for ratchet-assed behavior... whatcha got?

111 comments:

mountaincoco said...

Oh man, is this funny! But of all of these lame excuses, only #3 would make me give him a kick in the groin...obvious the center of his congnition if he "misunderstood" the parameters of the relationship!

thinklikeRiley said...

Found out girlie was spreading the cupcake around. Asked about it. She said "Didn't think it would bother you." It doesn't anymore. Bye, boo.

Cocoa Winston said...

"Oh, were we exclusive? You weren't clear on that."
Sir. "I don't share so let's not see other people." That's not clear?
Oh. Okay.

CaliGirlED said...

 "So calling my girl and leaving explicit messages (that he was in no way able to back up)"...Shots fired! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

 "Didn't think it would bother you." It doesn't anymore. Bye, boo....Bwahahaha!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Hilarious!!! Don't know why but I'm drawing a blank on the many many excuses that have been thrown my way. Perhaps I have lumped them all up into one big ol' heep of nothingness. :-/

Carolyn said...

I've had more ridiculous ish said to me than I can remember, but my two favorites are "It's your fault" (said by one dude who cheated and another who blamed me for his drug use) and "Stop playing the victim" (said by a fellow who both cheated and ganked me for $2K).

Monica said...

My personal favorite: "But it wasn't my fault." Roight. You accidentally fell into her bed. You accidentally took your ex's phone calls. I hate when that happens.

ShawnSoze said...

Walk out of shower and find new boo with my wallet in one hand and cell phone in the other. She's looking guilty as hell and says "You don't mind if I look around a little bit, do you? I'm just curious." Extract my items from her hands and her from my house.  

OneChele said...

Oh. She needs to do better. Amateur sleuthing is no bueno. If she knew what she was doing she would have the whole house searched and CSI'd two minutes after the shower went on.... not that I'm advocating this of course... just saying.

jake said...

I'll do you one better. How about she had the wallet in one hand and $50 of mine in the other? When caught - Do you mind if I borrow a little? 

Andrea M said...

Peep this:
"I was just practicing with her so I can be better with you"
I almost caught a case that night. 

MochaMuffin said...

"I did not mean for this to happen"
What you mean is you did not mean to get caught.
SMDH!

CaliGirlED said...

 \O/!!! Yes indeed!...No more CSI for me, if I feel the need, I'm going to call you on it, assess your responses or lack there of, and more than likely be out.

CaliGirlED said...

 O_O

invectiva said...

 Whaaaaaaat? GTFOH.

Mo said...

" I did not mean to hurt you" So you think this  was going  to make me Disney happy happy?

Do. Better.People

Mo said...

Say what now?

Mo said...

Me too.

blackprofessor said...

My all time favorite is "It just happened" while an ex told me that he cheated.  I asked him how a woman just happened to fall on his penis as he went about his daily life. Crickets! 

blackprofessor said...

 Wow,this is just scandalous!

blackprofessor said...

 Even more scandalous!

Deb B said...

"Just give me a second, there's a reasonable explanation for this."
If there was, you wouldn't need a second.

Deb B said...

BTW - the picture is hilarity!

MeetCharlieL said...

NO WAY!

MeetCharlieL said...

Girl I was dating wasn't cheating, she was just over the top flirting and borderline propositioning guys whether I was around or not. I called her on it and she said, "This is just how I am. You have to love me for me." And that's a wrap folks.

OneChele said...

What is that - the Jessica Rabbit excuse? "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn this way?"
Boooo.

ClayJones said...

props for the Jessica Rabbit reference

ClayJones said...

She wasn't curious, she was about to steal all yo ish, son. 

ClayJones said...

"Borrow"???!!!

ClayJones said...

ma'am

ClayJones said...

I noticed that! She's so classy with the shots and arrows.

ClayJones said...

Mind games. Flipping it back on you to deflect blame.

ClayJones said...

I swear I'm going to start using "Bye, boo." in my everyday conversation.
"Clay, do you have time to meet today?"
"No. Bye, boo."

ClayJones said...

Number three is my favorite. Dude wordsmithed it so you have to pause before hitting the eject button. 

Earthangel172 said...

My ex-husband was a total man whore (and a Gemini....LOL). When caught cheating, his response was "I told her upfront that I love my wife and I'm not leaving you for her!"  I guess I was supposed to be impressed. Been happily divorced for 5 years now.

GrownAzzMan said...

^^^ This right here.

GrownAzzMan said...

See what had happened was

maxfab said...

"You're too insecure"

Delivered after my guy at the time (affectionately dubbed "the spectacular a$$hole") got upset with me and left me a voicemail that ended with "f*ck you and f*ck this". I interpreted that to mean that our relationship was over and was baffled when he called the next day like nothing was wrong. When I called him out for trying to sweep his sh!tty behaviour under the rug, he proclaimed that it was my insecurity that caused me to take his message seriously and if I wasn't so insecure I'd know he was just "blowing off steam".

Yeah okay Negro. 

M Dot said...

The guy in the pic needs an excuse for still having braids and wearing that big collar... IJS

Carolyn Edgar said...

Tried to post this comment earlier from my mobile, but looks like it didn't go through. Like CaliGirlED, I have a hard time remembering most of the shiggity that dudes have said to me, but a couple do stand out. "It's your fault" (said by one dude who cheated and another dude who blamed me for his drug use) and "Stop playing the victim" (said by a fellow who both cheated and ganked me for $2K).

CaliGirlED said...

Huh???

CaliGirlED said...

 Just damn to all those!!!

TrulyPC said...

'We are bigger than this, you can't just throw us away?"  I discovered that he had been doing a smorgasbord of coeds for months because I was too busy studying when he needed company.  He left my room unwillingly with a HOT curling iron assist.

C Nelson said...

 Oh God, THIS. It's a running joke between my sister and me, we've heard it so often in all its versions, and it's never followed by anything REMOTELY plausible.

OneChele said...

Oh. #NoCountryForCrayCray

OneChele said...

#slapworthy

OneChele said...

OMG! That's just one variation away from "You gonna let this come between our love?!"
Booooo.

OneChele said...

Usually prefaced with the stuttering "See now... Lookie here... Just let me..."

OneChele said...

Wow.

OneChele said...

And yet and still, the eject had to be deployed.

OneChele said...

Right?

OneChele said...

Umm-hmm. Like something beyond their control. 
Several seats need to be taken. In a row. Swiftly.

OneChele said...

^^ Yes.

OneChele said...

Preach on it. 9 times out of 10 what they are sorry for is being caught.

OneChele said...

Congrats on your restraint. 

OneChele said...

Yeah she was. This has the markings of a Discovery ID special all over it.
"Shawn walked out of the shower to find his wallet, cell phone and identity stolen..."

TrulyPC said...

Oh he got really RAW with it and that is why I needed the curling iron.  

Nandie said...

After I found out he got a girl pregnant - 'She tricked me, it's always been you.' Whaaaaaat?

Monica said...

 This is my opening line whenever I'm about to tell a tale involving some bullshiggity.

Monica said...

 Ooh... someone didn't take their meds that day.

C Nelson said...

"But baby, it (she) didn't MEAN anything!"  <-- This right here? Does not actually help the situation any. Tell me all about how you fell in love and lost your senses because you had to be with her, I *might* buy it. Telling me you boned her but it didn't mean anything says your relationship with ME is so meaningless you'll jeopardise it for somebody you don't even really want or care about. I reacted accordingly.

Bryan Anthony said...

That one girl who tried to date 3 line brothers at the same time and then said "Thought you guys liked to share everything" - no. ma'am.

CaliGirlED said...

 Ditto what Chele said.

Brenda Kay said...

True story. 

In my mid-20's while serving my country, I started dating a fellow soldier who was a Chaplain's assistant who was also studying to enter the ministry. Three or four months into dating, Sgt. Bible-Thumper has given me a key to his place off post and is already talking about me moving in with him. One random Sunday, I decided to stop by his place and cook him dinner while he's supposedly on post assisting at one of the chapels. After letting myself in and moving about the kitchen, I hear some loud moaning and "oh baby" coming from behind the closed bedroom door. Walking into the bedroom I discover Sgt. Preacher-in-training is serving up some laying on of the hands and "other" things to some bucket-naked female.

Too stunned to even create a scene, I turn and walk out the room. As I'm standing by the table, fumbling to get his key off of my keyring, Pastor Love's A-Lot, comes rushing up and has the gall to say to me, "This was a test of your ability to forgive. I can not be with a woman who is unable to follow Christ's example of forgiveness when her man falls victim to the temptation of the flesh. If you walk out that door, you will have failed this test!" (And yes, that Negro actually said all of that to me). With a measure of calmness that I didn't know that I had within me,  I looked that fool in the face and burst out laughing, before walking out. 

Two days later, Sgt. "Please hear me out" shows up at my job with a big bouquet of flowers. But I wasn't interested in talking or listening to him and his nonsense, so as I'm walking away from him a second time, he formed the following words with his supposedly anointed mouth ~  "Are you going to believe me, or your eyes which may be lying to you?" I nearly tripped over from laughing when I heard that. 

ASmith said...

"It's not what you think it is..." I shared this already, but it bears repeating here.  Who cares what I think, let's talk about what I can see, bro.

"You should be glad I didn't want to mess up our relationship with sex..." this came from a guy I hadn't known long who told ME he was waiting, only for me to find out he was getting it in with this other girl... Clearly we didn't make it very far.

"I was just playing..." <--- now this might just be me, but I hear a LOT of people of all the genders using this one and it can be about things as simple as "lets go on a date" to things as serious as "lets get married."  People have no shame and find "joking" and "playing" to be fair ways to get out of mess they get themselves in.

"People make mistakes" and its cousin "I'm growing..." Yeah.  Ok.  Factual though they may be, they function more as excuses more often than not.

Nandie said...

 O_O! OMG! Wow!

ASmith said...

RIGHT. I was really just staring at the post like "wayment, what with the who now?"

ASmith said...

I like to also interchange this with "what it was, was..."

chriscogmta said...

you just making that up, no way a dude let those words come out of his mouth.  NO. WAY.

ASmith said...

I was beginning to feel like I was wrong because I thought "how did she not hear the shower water stop running and what took so long that she wasn't done before he got out?"  I am NOT saying I do that or have done that, I'm just asking the logical questions.

Jubi The Great said...

I wonder how many women those pitiful lines worked on.

chriscogmta said...

"I thought you were cheating on me, this is just revenge"
"I wanted to tell you but just couldn't"
"I just got all caught up in my feelings"
"I was thinking about you the whole time"
"if you trusted me, you wouldn't be going through my phone"

Some of these have been used on me, others MAY HAVE POSSIBLY at one point or another, ALMOST CERTAINLY been used by me.  I will no delineate.

Jubi The Great said...

When I found out my ex-fiance was cheating on me, of course I had to find out why...and why he didn't tell me he was in a relationship before he began one with me. According to him, he had a plan - "I was trying to get you pregnant so I would have a reason to leave her & just be with you". 0_o I've never been so thankful for birth control in my entire life.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

 He really had the barefaced NERVE to say that? Sweet Cheese n Rice! >_< Yes, praises be to the b.c.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

 ......................

Dude's been watching one too many stand-up comedy specials if he thinks any woman with two braincells would fall for those lines.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

 Ew.

chriscogmta said...

clawd haf murci!! ol' buddy said he wanted to get you pregnant so he would have cause to terminate his relationship.  I'm crying here. 

I thinks its better to just say, "F it, i didn't think you would find out. now that you know, what's next?"

Earthangel172 said...

 Well I be John Brown....This kneegrow is bold as hell. LOL

Earthangel172 said...

He was dead serious.

bashowell said...

"I was playing a lot of darts." <--on why I he wasn't returning calls for some weeks
"I was feeling crowded." <---on why he disappeared for three months
"It was the lust demon.  I needed to pray on it." 
"I just needed a little gas to get to work. You're always so supportive." <--on why my cc went missing w/$200 charges

OneChele said...

This comment goes so hard. BK - we love you!
"Some laying on of hands" - Classic!

blackprofessor said...

Bougieland, we have a winner! This is the boldest lie I have ever heard, smh!!

OneChele said...

People play too much.

blackprofessor said...

A Que tried this same line on me while dating one of my chapter sorors. I laughed in his face and walked away.

blackprofessor said...

No hating on us Geminis! Instead of being two people, I like to think that we are dynamic, lol!

OneChele said...

Please, someone place "caught up in my feeling" on a list for folks to cease and desist using post haste. Like yesterday. 

And a "say what now?" to she was thinking about you the whole time? No bueno, no bueno!!!   

OneChele said...

Speechless. 

OneChele said...

The "lust demon" you say? 
iQuit.

Earthangel172 said...

Well let me just say that Scorpios and Geminis don't mesh well together....LOL

Violet Rose said...

I thought I'd heard some bad ones but these comments have me reeling.

Violet Rose said...

$200 on gas? Oookay. 

Violet Rose said...

what????

Violet Rose said...

Double ew.

Violet Rose said...

Exactly! I would feel better if you were swept off your feet by love. 

Violet Rose said...

Ugh.

Violet Rose said...

He's lucky you weren't heating up grits.

LikeLena said...

Wow. Just wow. 

Paul on Ice said...

"If I was secure in our relationship, this wouldn't have happened"
"Sometimes things just happen"
"I wasn't really thinking"
"Probably shouldn't have had that last tequila shot"
"Since you love me, I know you'll forgive me"

I've heard one or two, I've said one or two...

OneChele said...

SMH

Jubi The Great said...

 Pretty much! Tho when I first asked him about this other relationship, his first response was "Don't tell her". That let me know everything I needed to know...

Ten years later, and she's still with him...baby mama #1. I dodged a huge bullet.

JojoRaze said...

 You win the thread!  I laughed, I cried, I wondered why!  ROFL along with you. 

Brneyed1 said...

"...or your eyes which may be lying to you?" 


*blink, blink, blink*

Da hell.....?  Naaw, just, just, just NO!!!

Brneyed1 said...

Upon my discovery of his cheating, his response was:  "I wasn't good enough for you anyway.  I know it, you know it.  So I gave you an easy out."

Lame.

Marioned said...

"She made me. "  or "She would not take no for an answer"  What was I suppose to do?"  My response:
Well you just  made me "leave your sorry ass" or Take this ~!@#$%^&*()_+

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

 How chivalrous of him.

CaliGirlED said...

"This was a test of your ability to forgive. I can not be with a woman who is unable to follow Christ's example of
forgiveness when her man falls victim to the temptation of the flesh. If
you walk out that door, you will have failed this test!"

I believe with all my heart that even Satan was shocked by this statement!

CaliGirlED said...

 O_o

mojitochica said...

Hey now! I feel compelled to speak up for my fellow Geminis especially since there are three of them in my immediate household ;ob  As blackprofessor said we are dynamic and exciting people, though that does not excuse your sorry ass ex-husband e_O  I also agree that Geminis and Scorpios should, um, probably remain very distant friends...

JOY2LOVE4LIFE said...

Scary! Glad you dodged that bullet!

JOY2LOVE4LIFE said...

Or Gemini and Taurus!!  My Gemini cheated on me with his ex who had cheated on him with his worse enemy, then two days after we broke up he got another girl pregnant, told me it was PTSD from the breakup!  

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