Friday, May 11, 2012

When animals attack (Bougie edition)


As you may know, I've had my adventures with "critters" round here. (For those who missed it read here and here.) My struggle continues...

For some reason last week, BougieMom got it into her head to sweep up all the various dead leaves and insects in the garage and dump the charming combination into a box in a corner of the garage. I pointed out that since we live next to an open field in Texas, that was an invitation for "varmints" to come on in. She just laughed at me.

Fast forward to yesterday. BougieMom is off in North Carolina visiting BougieOlderBro and I have the house to myself. I decided to run up to the store at about 2:00pm. I swung open the garage door and heard a squawk, a flapping of wings and then saw some flavor of bird dive bombing me. Eeek! I slammed the door shut. Then I thought, okay really Michele? What's the worst a bird can do?

I opened the door slowly and the bird was perched atop Mom's BMW all gangstery looking at me like "who gon' check me, boo" - beady eyes all malevolent and what not. So I opened the garage thinking that the bird would have sense enough to fly away to freedom. No. He (She, who knows?) flew up to perch on some wires tacked to the ceiling of the garage.

What to do? I didn't want to leave the bird in there, looking around the creature had liberally "shared his offerings" all over the damn place. So I grabbed a broom and began swinging towards the bird on the assumption that this would prompt the thing to sense danger and flee. Hells no. The bird was clearly laughing at me and did not move an inch. So now I've taken a batter's stance and I'm about to swing for the fences when he started flying towards me. Of course I was shrieking and swinging the broom and ducking at the same time causing me to stumble into the side of my car and bang my knee.

Plus my body decided to remind me that I had surgery less than three weeks ago and all this jumping, swinging, spinning nonsense was not on the agenda yet. I got angry. And the bird finally figured out I was not playing and flew towards the back of the garage. Mr. Bird was trying to build some sort of elaborate setup in the box o' garage crapola BougieMom had stashed back there. I kicked the box in the street and swung at the bird one last time who finally flew across the yard to perch on the mailbox. 

I hustled to back the car out and close the garage before it could swoop back in. Why when I was pulling back in an hour later was I scanning the sky waiting for that damn bird to come back? What can I say... I like nature from a distance. 

Thoughts, comments, sympathies?

29 comments:

Carolyn Edgar said...

I howled. Doing wayyyy too much!

thinklikeRiley said...

I would pay somebody to follow you around with a camera - this would have been YouTube Gold!

CaliGirlED said...

There is nothing funny about what happened to you! Well yes there is, the way in which you chose to describe the incident! LOL!!!...I am fearful of everything non-human (and some of those make me cringe too)!

ShawnSoze said...

Hi, my name is Shawn and I. Hate. Birds. They are vicious little tweety-asses. I would have been out there boxing. Yes. With a bird. Judge me. 

LikeLena said...

*snickers* What was the bird gonna do, Chele? What was it going to do?
*falls out laughing*

LikeLena said...

Tweety-asses though?

GrownAzzMan said...

***Stifles laughter*** My sympathies Chele. I know this must have been traumatic.

Grace said...

You and me are right here ><. I don't hike, climb or camp either. I'm an indoor girl.

OneChele said...

I like gardening, biking, walking on sidewalk in a landscaped area, sitting on the beach, swimming, grilling, picnics - those are my types of outdoor activities. My idea of camping is staying at the Holiday Inn instead of the Four Seasons. #Bougie.

OneChele said...

*snickers* I don't think it's worthy of an episode of I Survived :-)

invectiva said...

 Hi Shawn.

Ahem. The birds,  they can ruin an otherwise perfect day.

AnnettePearl said...

As one who has been known to take off running from a bee, I have no room to judge. None.
(But the fact that you take on people twice your age and size without a blink and shriek at birds and crickets is giggle-worthy)

Angel Blanca said...

I need to remember never to read posts while brushing my teeth.

Thank you for a hilarious intro to my day, proper!!

Cyn said...

I was trapped in my house and was an hour late for work cause of a large praying mantis on my front door. I looked for his azz everytime I came and went. 2 days later he was back. I don't even live there anymore and every now and again I catch myself looking over my shoulder and creeping up to my door just in case he reappears here.

Monica said...

LOL.

Bird looking at you like, "What you gon' do?!" "You can't even reach me!"

As for what they can do, they can swoop in and peck your eyes out or poop on you. Ack!  I don't even like pigeons flying directly over my head too long.

MsJamie14 said...

I kicked the box in the street <---I LOST it right here. I'm so sorry, but BWA HA HA HA.

Is Billy Dee Ninja still out of town? If so, you should have called those ninjas that are always willing to come eat up your food to take care of that darn bird! LOL

I'm a city girl...if I ever have to move closer to nature...heaven help us all!

MsJamie14 said...

Peck your eye out! LOL

Lady4Real said...

LMMFAO, LMAO, ROTFLLMAO. OMG, really cuz? Really? You are too much. You just made my day even brighter with these shenanigans.

Lady4Real said...

"who gonna check me boo?" OMG this killed me, please send stargazer lillies to my funeral and tell my Dad you killed me. LOL

blackprofessor said...

This was too funny! I am so with you as I don't do wildlife, and wildlife consists of anything other than cats or dogs! 

Michele said...

**shivers**  I came across what appeared to be a vulture while out jogging one morning.  He was tearing up some big varmint on the side of the road.  That was the biggest, scariest bird I had ever seen.  I totally feel your pain.

ClayJones said...

*scratches idea of having Chele attend my Memorial Day Crawfish Boil on the Bayou* Snakes, lizards, gators and some of the largest spiders known to man. You will not like.

OneChele said...

Wayment, I used to run down to Acthafalaya for an annual crawfish cookout. Just gimme some Off and a seat on the porch next to Grandma and dem and I'm set.

CaliGirlED said...

 *blows dust off Hooked on Phonics to pronounce* Acthafalaya

bashowell said...

I grew up in the country so most things don't bother me.  However.  I don't do geese.  One of those damn things bit me! They have these serrated...things in their beaks and just...no.

lawsoncomp said...

Don't y'all have guns and things in the Lone Star state? If I didn't live in the city, I swear I'd be knocking off squirrels right and left. I just had a service here to rid them and birds from my attic. #outsidecrittersstayoutside

M Dot said...

I concur. In Dallas these birds are straight IGNANT. I had one in my living room (left the fireplace flue open) that didn't budge and I ended up scooping it with a broom and a bucket and releasing it off the balcony. But your episode made me think of this here...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eg6i0Utc8X8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

CaliGirlED said...

 LOL yeah that was funny!

Rosalind G said...

When I was in law school a BAT got into my apartment through the heating duct system. My apartment was older (but well kept), and had gas heat with metal grates in the floor. The heating system went up to the roof, and the bat must've flown into the flue and down into my apartment. My reaction was hilarious. I called 911 in full freakout mode and everything, LOL.

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