Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Fellas - do you really want easy for the long haul?


Le Dude and I were squabbling over various and sundry, real and imagined beefs the other day when in what was clearly a moment of pure frustration, Dude heaved a sigh and exclaimed, "I'm just having a hard time with you, every other woman I've dated eventually fell in line and did what I wanted."

Yep. Let that sink in. Marinate in that por uno momento.

I did not let it sink in, I burst into peals of delighted laughter. (As did BougieMom when I told her, I mean she literally slid off her chair into gales of giggles. "He's met you right?" Side-eye, Nellie Mae. Side. Eye. Anywho...) I asked him in all seriousness, "If that's what you wanted, what are you doing with me? You had to know the chances of me going all Coming-to-America-Whatever-You-Like were slim to negative damn none."

"I know. I know. I don't really want you to change. I just want you to be a little easier."

**crickets**

I won't get into a whole thing about how I'm really not that hard on him. Bless his heart that at nearly 18 months he can still get clueless from time to time. Nor will I point out that his own mama told me on the day she met me that the boy has been spoiled by women all his life and needs "a firm hand." None of that is here nor there. (It really isn't. Please don't write me a ton of comments about how he (or I) should know better, do better, speak better.)

Nor are we discussing "easy" as in dropping drawers for a Big Mac and fries. This is easy like Sunday morning easy, smooth sailing, few ripples on the water easy. Stay bougie with me, people.

Now that I've given the example, let's not make this about David and I. I'm taking this hypothetical- Why would a man who swears he wants an equal want a woman (for the long run) who just gives in all the time? I should think having someone just constantly cosign would be exhausting. Far more exhausting than debating divergent points of views and settling on a compromise? Or am I being naive? 

And I wonder from both points of view - does a woman want a man she can bend to her will at ease? Is doormatism really hot in the streets? Fellas? Ladies? Thoughts, insights, comments? Do share...

46 comments:

taut_7 said...

never hot in the streets. if i wanted a woman who would bend to my will every time i spoke i would order a male order bride not try to build a partnership based on mutual respect and love. whoever thinks otherwise is delusional. 

EvolvingElle said...

First, glad you're back-you were missed!

Now, to my response.  IMHO, I don't believe a man wants a "Yes" woman.  Prince Hakeem didn't; that's why he went to Queens. (Sorry, I couldn't help it.) 

And I've been known to say a time or two that I would like a man that's strong enough to tell me "no".  I have a very strong personality and have a tendency to want things to go my way 99.9% of the time.  (Blame it on me being an only child...) 

As taut_7 said, I want a partner, not someone I can walk over.  That gets old real quick.

David Parrish, Jr.(Inkognegro) said...

I have worked harder and Put up with more at my current relationship than I did at EITHER of my previous marriages.  I realize that I work harder for the same reason that I got into the relationship in the first place.  

When you REALLY go through Stuff and find some resolution as a unit, it makes you stronger and it enables you to appreciate the value of the relationship...


The notion of things being HARD is often really about Grown ass People being Fully Formed adults  and Meshing their Pluses/Minuses and pathologies....

Many of us are Way past the age where we can Grow up together and kinda mold ourselves into being a Couple. We are largely evolved 30some/40some adults....its too late for that.


if you gonna Get down like this with grownups...you gotta be prepared to put that work in.  

Im no expert...but I would be willing to bet that Rehabbing a house to look like new  takes more work than building a new one from scratch. 

David Parrish, Jr.(Inkognegro) said...

Oh..and for those of you who aint down for all that reading and rambling...

Iron Sharpens Iron and all that. 

GuessImJay said...

@DavidLChase  said what now?
*hangs head*
Um - let the record reflect that sometimes we men verbalize what was meant to be an internal dialogue.

Easy is good for H-n-Q chicks. All else should be some flavor of challenge. IMHO.

JaymeC said...

*falls out like BougieMom giggling*
Wait. Soon as I catch my breath I'll say something intelligent.
BWAHAHA!

MsJamie14 said...

I've noticed a lot of men think easy is better, but when the going gets rough, they realize the woman they are with has no fight in them. They don't know what to do when a relationship or life requires work.

I know I'm not that hard either. I'm loyal and a fighter but I won't lay down like linoleum.  I just have standards and many guys realize all the dumb ish they used to get away with won't fly with me. If the "easier" prey looks better to you, go for it. You gon learn one day. LOL

Pure Choco said...

Oh Bless His Heart.
I love when a guy who hasn't had to work for it all of a sudden has to work for it.
As for me, I tried dating a doormat and it was exhausting. I also dated a "my way or the highway" guy, that was exhausting. Something in between please!

winter137 said...

Why do men view having your own opinion as hard or troublesome? My co workers and I went out to lunch and one of my male co workers suggested that I wanted to f*ck my man with a strap on because I'm opinionated. I'm not even aggressive with my opinion and respect different point of views # WTF

no comment said...

I hate that when I am "agreeable" all is well but as soon as I disagree and speak on it (with or w/o tude I might add) I get labeled combative, aggressive (which is laughable for anybody who really knows me), arugementative (hey I am a Leo this can be true depending on the day) anyhoo I just feel I can voice my opinion like you can so if/when that opinion differs from yours don't go labeling me xyz #endrant

blackprofessor said...

I missed your posts as they always provide me with a morning laugh!

I think there are certain types of people for whom doormatism (so stealing that word) is their thing.  Unfortunately, I know several men and women like that and the one constant - they don't want to be challenged so they never grow.  Sadly, they are the same people they were five, ten or fifteen years ago.

Given that I tend to have strong tendencies, this has been an issue for me in the dating arena.  I find doormat men unattractive! There is nothing sexy about a man with no backbone.  I want a partner who will challenge me but I haven't met a lot of strong men who desire a strong partner to challenge them.  It is definitely a conundrum!

JaymeC said...

Okay I'm back. *wiping last tears of laughter from my eyes*
Owen and I had been married for about five years when one day he said "You know, I could do without all the back talk" Oh really? OH REALLY? Girl it was on. (I didn't have your sense of humor)  Owen has never disrespected me or ask me to repress my thoughts and opinions, he just lost his mind for a moment. It happens.

As for doormat syndrome - unfortunately, some people want to rule the roost and believe their opinion is good enough for the whole household. 

GrownAzzMan said...

I don't think the easy we seek is someone who gives in all the time. Rather it is someone who is on the same page we are on most of the time. It is more about compatibility the acquiescence. 

That is "easy like Sunday Morning"...

GrownAzzMan said...

"You know, I could do without all the back talk"
See there, I was fully recovered from Le Dude's record scratch moment and the you have to go and serve this one up. CTFU!

CaliGirlED said...

*reads 1st paragraph* O_O

SingLikeSassy said...

Dude heaved a sigh and exclaimed, "I'm just having a hard time with you,
every other woman I've dated eventually fell in line and did what I
wanted."

That's as far as I got. And when I read that I said, "what the f***?" *insert all manner of screwface right here*

Now I'm going back to read the rest. Dude better look good in this at the end.

TrulyPC said...

*Giggle Snort Giggle*  Sometimes the exasperation that some guys feel from an actual grownup relationship makes me do that.  They know good and darn well the opposite wouldn't hold their interest.

Well I have heard the "you are too independent" and "why are you waiting on me to decide?" from the same guy. O_o  He was a good person in many respects but he was also used to getting his way and because he failed at compromise it didn't make a great partnership.

I am not a hard nose but I do have standards and expectations in a relationship.  If we are not in one then  fly free but don't expect for a relationship with me to include me choosing to be your yo-yo.  No can do.  I   don't like men that I can walk over and I don't like men to want me to be a pushover.  I enjoy synchronized precision-- if I choose to fall back, he leans forward and vice versa.  But that only comes with time and effort invested. 

SingLikeSassy said...

Hm. OK, now that I have read on, I think I see what he means. I think.

Me and Mr. Ex-SLS were "easy." We each gave in to the other, I think. We rarely argued and it was just easy peezy lemon squeezy!

And now we're divorced. 

So, there ya go.

JoycelynC said...

First, welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.  I do love an alpha male so I can't with the roll over types.  I am immediately not attracted to someone I know I can walk all over.  I don't really enjoy feeling like the man in my relationships (which is how I would feel if I was making all the decisions).  I do believe in picking my battles when it comes to expressing my opinion however because there are just some things I don't care that much about.   

CaliGirlED said...

Here's the thing, many people want many things, until they get it and then realize maintaining it does not always mean being comfortable. If you ask God for patience, He has to put you through somethings for which your patience can be tested and proved. Otherwise how would you know you can be patient? If you want muscles, you have to workout, burn and sweat to get them, and it takes longer than most people are willing to wait. Most people who want to lose weight will diet, but not exercise, and then complain that they don't look the way they thought they would.  Dude wanted a woman who, like Chele, holds her own, is smart, attractive and fun to be around. And now that he has that, he's realizing the extra work that comes with her. This is so common and it can happen to anyone in any situation. Want financial stability but don't want to stick to the budget; want to be healthy but don't want to stick to a specific regimen, etc.

Compromise in these situations is important, but must be balanced. If you weigh on the side of working so hard at it that you're not happy, what's the true benefit? If you weigh on the side of giving in to the easy way, you may lose the benefit completely...Balance = equality between the totals of the two sides of an account. HmmmPersonally I don't want a man that will bend to my will at ease. That is such a turn off for me. There is nothing less masculine than Eddie Murphy's male version of a salad eating....

Jeannette said...

A lot of men say what they want but don't mean what they say.

ClayJones said...

Let me welcome Le Dude to his first real "grown folk" relationship. As Chele likes to say - this is platinum service, sir. If all you wanted was peanuts, you buy the cheap seats. 

thinklikeRiley said...

I love how Dude never steps in it a little bit, when he goes left he goes all the way there!
*fist bump*

Easy is sexy for about 25 minutes and then Riley bored. What else you got?

Deb B said...

 Right!!
Membership has its privileges. LOL!

invectiva said...

I admit it, I have a very strong personality and I am hard work. My favorite word in a relationship is "appropriate" and it bothers me when folks can't figure out what is and isn't. (Not with regard to me, specifically, but ya know, LIFE. I'm happy to be precise about appropriate behavior with me, and compromise on some of that in private.)

The bottom line for me is that people who want it all easy don't seem to be grown yet and people who want doormats as SOs appear to be all about themselves. And of course there's a spectrum of that in all of us, and we all have to work on it to be good for other people. I definitely want my SO to be at least as strong as I am (or stronger), but neither of us should be the immovable object or the irresistable force. Compromise can engender compatibility, IMO.

Personally, I have much better romantic relationships with people who have had Real Struggle in their lives. For example, if the finances and the cocoa and the access to education have always been smooth sailing for my SO, such a person is going to eventually conflict with me in some way unless they understand their own privilege, and they've developed empathy for those who haven't had it that easy.

invectiva said...

My last relationship, my SO wanted easy all the time. Every time. Still does, and is *never* happy with it. Has money, great job, health, a house, good looks, does quite well with the ladies. Goes through life in a constant state of vague dissatisfaction to malaise but hates making any effort towards... anything. Buys a new expensive toy or brings someone new home in a continuing effort to combat the disillusionment of it all. I had three recommendations: therapy, find a damn purpose in life so something you do actually *matters*, and if all else fails, blanket party.  Easy sometimes isn't worth a damn.

Easy like Sunday morning is way different than that, though. Lookin' for that myself. :)

Cha Keziah said...

Umm yeah. My favourite: "I would date you/be in a relationship with you, but I know you'll be more work than I want to put in." Oh really? But I'm not that much work though.Okay, whatever. I promise you, I get calls later, all "I should have pursued you when I had the chance." Yup, you should've. #toolate

I genuinely believe that men realize eventually that they want the rewards associated with work, They do. They just don't realize that at the beginning. Sigh. Maybe it's a 20something problem, the need to be with the easy. That's what I'll believe. The post-20s bougie bros are giving me hope...

Chriscogmta said...

I think most men do want easy, we just want it when we want it and we don't when we don't...and on top of all that, we expect to you know the difference. 

We want you to make it kick up dust when we talk politics, pop culture, sports, or current events.  When we are in a group and you shut down convo's by being the smartest woman in the room, we love it.  When we are at the crib and you shut us down, further proving you are the smartest PERSON in the room, we hate that ish!! 

We want you to let us make it on certain things, even if we both know it's our (men) fault.  Its the duality of a woman that makes her so powerful and sexy.  We sorta kinda expect it all the time.  Just like SOMETIMES women expect men to read minds, men expect you to know when to put up a fight and when to let it go.

M Dot said...

the next time y'all challenge each other, try it like this...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaBTaok3qG0 

OneChele said...

This answer made me smile.

Deb B said...

Let's just say that men want everything when they want it how they want right then. Until they don't.
 

C Nelson said...

Oh... my word. I haven't laughed that hard in ages.

If you wanted easy with me, you should've caught me when I needed parenting. (Not too late in that process either. Once I learned to read it was the beginning of the end, 'cause I formed opinions fast.) What you get now is somebody who knows her own mind and usually knows how to get from here to where she wants to be. Yeah, we can disagree about the route, but if the destination's the same in the end, what does it matter if half the time we go your way and half the time we go mine?

As for me, I want a partner. I'm definitely outside the target audience for masters and devoted servants alike.

Penni Brown said...

I think them wanting easy is akin to us not always wanting a solution when we voice a concern. 

Most of the time, they do appreciate a challenge, but sometimes, due to other exhausting factors - factors that they do not communicate, they aren't up for the challenge. They should learn to communicate what they want at those times.If I can learn to say, 'babe - i just want you to listen, don't try to fix it.' Then, he can learn to say, 'babe - we can debate the details later but can i get some high level agreement now?'

Angela said...

Gumby can make a good friend--but that's it.

Mo said...

I might be wrong but Le Dude wrote in his post that it's imperative  to find that (paraphasing here) "person that makes your a better  person"<------ this would be contrary to "I just want you to be a little easier".
 
I prefer my relationship(s) to be  democratic (democracy is great when it works), divergent opinions( so longer as no one is being bullied) makes  any relationship great!

Now dissenting opinions on the other hand.......see effects of SCOTUS recent decisions.

invectiva said...

 "As for me, I want a partner. I'm definitely outside the target audience for masters and devoted servants alike."

Co-sign!!!!

mojitochica said...

You need to check your coworker -_-

tiffanyinhouston said...

OKAY!!!!

The word strap-on should never enter a work related conversation, ever. in. LIFE.

GammasWorld said...

I'll take the middle for the win Alex.  Had one dude who gave in to me on every damn decision that needed to be made.  Exhausting doesn't begin to cover how draining that was.   The ex-hubby and I, on the other hand, were in the midst of a power struggle (I didn't realize it at the time).  Everything was a "discussion" and that was equally as draining.  Grown folk know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.  

Anonymous said...

I almost married a"I want an equal, but really I want you to do what I say" man.  Thank God he decided he wanted a doormat and ended the relationship.  It was not until long after the break up that I was able to see what a bullet I dodged.  Dude called me a few months back (I know, I should not have answered the phone-don't judge) and said he'd been contemplating his relationship failures (including an ex-wife, and a baby mama) and can't figure out where he went wrong, because he's still alone.  Guess the doormat thing isn't working out too well.  He still has not figured out that the high paying job, fancy cars, etc. aren't really getting him what he wants.  Those things alone aren't important to a woman who he considers to be his equal.  He's still going for the doormat over and over, and by  his own admission, is unhappy. 

Rosalind G said...

I'm not going to stop being who I am just to give a man an ego boost. Men who are ruled by their egos are weak men, in my eyes, and will not get my respect. And, if I don't respect a man there is no way I can be with him. 

Rosalind G said...

Ain't nobody got time for that.

Rosalind G said...

You are so right. Alpha females can't be with lesser males. It just won't work. I've tried to be with lesser males, and I end up wanting to jack them up while yelling "Stop being so f*ing b*tch-made and grow a pair of  balls, GD it!" So, yeah... no. LOL.

Brittany Geneva said...

GASP! That man said fell in line! Boy bye! Lol

Wambuig said...

Little late for this party but No easy is not cute! At least not in my book! Yes I have ended relationships with dudes who are ready to jump at every beck and call... it's predictable, it's boring, not in the least bit sexy oh the list goes on but really for me bottom line in these cases when it comes to discussions on whatever they were not mentally stimulating either since they "agreed" with me on nearly everything and that I can't deal with. Now again this is not the case of me being hell bent on making a point or being totally disagreeable with this guys no! Just regular everyday conversation…

One Chele said...

This answer made me smile.

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