It was not my greatest weekend. Not to get too graphic for the gents but I suffered the kind of cramps that over-the-counter medications just laugh at while screaming, "I can't do nuthin' for ya!" That curled up in a fetal position asking Jesus to forgive you for whatever you did wrong to cause this kind of pain. Finally, Sunday morning I started pulling it back together. Enough to get a few things done, eat a little something and lay on the heating pad with my Kindle in my hand. So when the cell phone rang at about six p.m., I grabbed it without looking.
"This is Michele."
"Hey Michele - this is Yvetta. I'm not sure you remember me."
I didn't so I stayed silent.
"I am a friend of -fill in yada yada here- and we met at the holiday party. I got your number from -some random chick who is friends with David's boss' crazy-assed wife-" Okay, some chick who knows somebody who knows somebody who knows David.
"Sure, what's up?"
Let's pause for a moment here. There are a few phrases that tell me that some bullshiggity is about to come up out of someone's month. Here's a short list:
- Let me be perfectly honest...
- Before you say anything...
- Don't take this the wrong way...
- What I really mean to say is...
- If you want to get technical about it...
- This is just my opinion but....
Um. All forecast phrases of shiggity. Let's continue.
"Don't take this the wrong way but... we were wondering what your long term plans are with David?"
Hmm. Don't take this the wrong way = Strike One. WE were wondering = Strike Two. Plans with David = Strike Three.
"Who exactly is we?"
"Oh," she giggled, "there's a group."
"Yvetta?" I said in the calmest tone I could muster.
"Yes?"
"I don't know who raised you, how old you are or why you thought this call would be a good idea. But let me assure you that this is not cute, I am not amused and David won't be either. I can say for your information that women who act like this? Not his cup of tea. At all. If you are coming for him, step your game up. And let this be the last time your fingers dial these here digits. Are we clear?"
"Look here now..."
"Are we clear?"
"Yes ma'am."
Damn Skippy. Young assed chickies playing on the phone. For good measure I called DLC and broke him off a piece of my mind about his fan club. Let's just say no one rested easy that evening. Well I did because I was on the good pain meds.
BougieLand. It must be asked: What part of the game is that?! What would you have done/said instead?
136 comments:
I'm confused. Some random chick called you to ask when you might be done with YOUR man?!
The Hell?
"I don't know who raised you, how old you are or why you thought this call would be a good idea." *dies 10,000 deaths*
"If you are coming for him, step your game up. " *10,001*
"And let this be the last time your fingers dial these here digits. Are we clear?" *cremated*
I haven't dealt with anything like that in so long it's all a little fuzzy. But let me be the first to say that you handled that so well! Kudos to you!!!
You handled like a bawse. In da same situ, I'd'a invited out the caller and dey entire crew and let azz kickings commence. But I fully fully ascended to bouge yet.
And to Team Idiots, if you happen to lurk about this blog, don't bring that sh*t here! We don't swim in the kiddie pool around here!
You are way better than me, madam. The East New York would have surfaced immediately.
*takes notes* There is this one chick at Rob's job who always lets me know that she is his "work wife" and I haven't found a way to shut her down yet.
Holy inappropriateness, Batman. On so many levels, starting with passing out your number like free pills at the clinic. Just wow. And the level of thirst these days...just no.
Did you use a Claire Huxtable tone? Because that how I imagined it. Because Claire had that tone that when she told you off, you knew it and never tried it again.
"If you are coming for him, step your game up. " roll credit, turn house lights on, curtain close
the work wife, work husband stuff is something that I don't fully understand...like why it exists
Wow!
Aw now Chele, don't hate the playa! No? Not the right time?
Okay - D-Chilly always has rabid-ass groupies. Just ignore them and keep it pushing. Or send them my way.
Rob has one wife, at home, at work and at play. I got this!...Just a suggestion, lol.
Hahaha... I love the fact you just shut that mess down.
"Holy inappropriateness, Batman."....Bwhahahaha!!! YOU STUPID!!!
WTH?? Props to you for being classy! The hood version of me would have appeared and the rest of the story would be very ugly.
Go sit. Not. Helping.
I really just hid my face from what i was reading... OMG!!! Who does that!? There aint no draws that big for someone to wear to actually do something like that.. the unmitigated gall...
WANW (wish a **** would)
*sings first few lines of Bring Em Out*
^^^^^^ALL OF THIS!!!
Bouginistas mount up!!! Who's playing 4-11 Directory passing out numbers and shit???
I done got mad!
Ok... glad i have somebody that thinks like me...
I woulda been like that chick from Dave Chappelle's "When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong"... I'd just have to say to Big Brenda i'm just braiding one side of her hair not the whole thing.. LOL.
*says a prayer for Shawn* SMH
lol!
I had the same instinct as my alter ego would have surfaced quickly!
I prolly would have laughed and hung up. Children these days are cheeky.
Children are so messy. Glad to see there are adults in charge. ;)
I don't play this work wife/work husband nonsense. You have a lunch buddy, a cubicle giggle friend - cool, that ain't got nothing to do wife/husbandry. The fact that she is so determined to let you know though tells me she wants to move it from work to something else.
What is WRONG with these chicks today? What did she expect you to say? "Sure, I'm almost done, you can have him."
BTW - the cramps struggle is real. Do you have PCOS?
Yes. I'm so tempted to start a new Blog entitled The Heating Pad Chronicles...
GTFOH! She and her group need to walk to the closest stadium and have all of the seats. And of all the the times to call...
Your life IS our entertainment.
What would have done? :) Well, *I* would have invited her out for brunch and then beat the brakes off of her...Then I would have called homeboy and told him that he needs to handle his groupies. Interrrupting my afternoon of relaxation and leisure is like playing with my emotions. Not appropriate? Oh.
Actually, I would have handled it the same way...schooled her on a grown woman level. But on the real, how old are these girls? If you say older than 16, then I am going to be mad. No grown ass women should ever do foolishness like that. That was isht that we did in middle school. A real beeyotch would have pulled her brastrap tighter and made her move on him. If I was that gully with it, I shole wouldn't care about your long-term plans.
What? Folks still call the girlfriend up and question her relationship with HER guy?? Kind of ballsy on the caller's part. I would have done exactly what you did. Shut that shat DOWN!
"But I ain't fully ascended to bouge yet."
**Fist Bump**
All OF THIS!!!
"If I was that gully with it, I shole wouldn't care about your long-term plans."...Each one teach one!
Yeah...let her know that you are not in a polygamous relationship and y'all are not on Sister Wives. Done.
Note to self: When shiggidy breaks out, don't call Shawn...LOL
Can I get a Whiskey Tango Foxtrot on this one?
Da HELL?
First - get thee to the GYN and have them fix that ish.
Second - Tell DLC to keep groupies in check
Third - Da Hell?
"A real beeyotch would have pulled her brastrap tighter and made her move on him."
Wait, what? Is that how it goes down?
Wait, what? She called YOUR phone and proceeded to ask about YOUR man. I know it may seem hard out there in the dating scene but I will need these immature girls to catch a clue. Get you some self respect!!! I'm with CaliGirlED I'm ready to mount up.
If no one knew how childish these women are, they do now. Few things are worse than exposing your crew as a click of ratchet broads.
I'm mad that "there's a group"! What was the group planning on doing?
And as the representative of "the group", is she going to get first dibs IF he becomes free? Or as someone referenced below, are they on some Sister Wives type ish? :-/
Ugh! I cannot believe this type of thing still happens. Did she really call you "ma'am"? Much respect to you. I'd have more than a few words for the person who handed out my number in the first place.
Well, *I* would have invited her out for brunch and then beat the brakes off of her...
This killed me so softly. The L.A. girl in me ain't mad at you either. LOL.
*blinks* I have questions.
"If you are coming for him, step your game up. And let this be the last time your fingers dial these here digits. Are we clear?"
"Look here now..."
"Are we clear?"
"Yes ma'am."
Nuff said. Game. Blouses. Purple.
IS this how the game is played now? Just come at the girlfriend all sideways?
really?
*Hums a few bars of Ante Up*
Man, listen...
Also, she needs new people because REAL friends would not have let her call somebody's girlfriend and ask what her intentions were with HER man. She could be sitting in the emergency room rat.nah. being treated for wounds inflicted by said girlfriend.
And like you said, if you want my man, then step yo' game up, hell.
*whispers* Shawn will get you kilt, yo. And show up at the funeral with your grieving girlfriend. Just saying. #gangsta
Whew! Let the record reflect it wasn't me.
Exactly.
Thirst kills.
Go on twitter and check out the #workwife #workhusband tweets from a couple of days ago. I was at the nail salon ROLLING. Black folks ain't really feeling that mess.
*Laces up timbs and packs trunk with purple hoodies*
*Clears throat* I would like to say that I would have been as measured but I know those type of cramps and she would have heard words that she never knew existed, calling with that type of foolishness. Time for David to start rattling some cages because clearly these rats are taking too many liberties. The first person on the list would be the one that gave dingle brain my number.
Now that's hilarious!
That's what I'm talkin bout!!! LMAO
Right!!! The L.A. girl in me ain't mad and the country girl in me is riled up! LOL
there is no nice way to make a move on a man you know is taken so yeah, if you gonna go there might as well be direct.
"Time for David to start rattling some cages because clearly these rats are taking too many liberties." Check dem hoes D!
"The first person on the list would be the one that gave dingle brain my number." THIS!!! (Refer to my "mount up" call below!)
I am speechless....and she is desperate, grimy, low-class, and the list i'm sure could go on...and on...
"Child, please...lose this number and grow up." albeit, probably less tactfully uttered. Um, DLC, it may be time for you to consider the liberties others take with respect to you and your relationships, because there seems to be way too much intrusion into your personal life.
On a completely unrelated note, I want to tell the BougieLand family how grateful I am for your presence in my life. I don't want to let it go unsaid. You all bring me joy, lots of laughter, and much to ponder; I am blessed.
OH. HAYLE. NO!
did she really...?? i mean... i... NO.
Chele, you handled that situation PERFECTLY!!! i would have only been able to muster the words "b*tch, please" followed by a dial tone. i wish some chick would!!! smdh
OH. HAYLE. NO!
did she really...?? i mean... i... NO.
Chele, you handled that situation PERFECTLY!!! i would have only been able to muster the words "b*tch, please" followed by a dial tone. i wish some chick would!!! smdh
i was young and stupid once. but i NEVER would have had the nerve to do some nonsense like that. what is wrong with people?!?!?!?! i just... NO.
There would have been nothing said, because as soon as that statement came out of her mouth, I would've hung up the phone. End of conversation. But Chele, you handled it classy though. Me, I would've been all kinds of ignorant after that phone call. But most definitely, that phone call was ratchet & uncouth on all levels. What real woman DON'T DO is call another woman asking about her man. No freakin bueno! That's grounds for ass whoopin with most.
Really? Like this is real? No way. Yes way. The hell? What part of the game is this in deed? DLC, WTH? Who are these ratchet ass hoes? Thank goodness for bougie. My bougie in training tail would have rag tagged that ass!! Let a chick call me asking about my man, she just wrote a check her ass is about to cash, while I deposit fist, cursing and much pain. WTF, GTFOH. (goes and sits in time out)
Heffa, is you serious?! Ok, breathe... First, I'm salty at whoever thought it was okay to give out the number all willy nilly to someone four degrees of separation removed from the man in question.
I can't believe she pulled together four fractured brain cells and did that. Wow. Just gutter.
This is crazy, and sounds like something one would do in middle school!! Besides it being absolutely none of her business, who has the time to ask such petty questions that have nothing to do with you!!! I would have kept it short and sweet and said its none of your business and hung up!!!
"Well, *I* would have invited her out for brunch and then beat the brakes off of her..."
***Passes you a sock full of nickels cuz I wanna be helpful***
I don't condone violent close encounters of the ratchet kind, but understand it. :P
What the...
Tell me this is not how grown folks get down.
TRUTH.
"
Heffa, is you serious?!"---DEAD, I will not get any work done today.
Okay so this tells me a few things:
1. She's stupid
2. She met you once briefly but she don't know
3. She don't know David either
4. She's stupid (it was repeatable)
I am sincerely hoping that tomorrow's post is you saying this is a plot point from a new book you are testing out on us cuz I just can't.
How would *I* have handled it? Well, let's just say part of the reason I love coming to BnB is hoping that the quiet but firm way of the wig snatch many of you possess rubs off on me. Cuz Lord, MY MOUTH. lol
This makes me smile tho. Because in my experience, women do this only when they don't know the girlfriend well, but they know the man well enough to know stepping to him with this BS won't fly.
800 mg Ibuprofen is my new best friend! After I pop one, I am like "What cramps?"
Right?? If I was gunning for a taken man, the girlfriend would be a non issue.
Since coming to BougieLand, I now undertand that B*tch, Please! is not the most genteel response. Though this one (combined with the cramps) would've been hard to hold back.
Let me add another one that gets on my nerves,
"No disrespect but,..."
CTFU
"I can't believe she pulled together four fractured brain cells and did that." I wasn't going to comment anymore today, but THIS slayed me! Bwahahaha!!!
Aw! We love you too!
If thirst didn’t run so rampant, because every news outlet
in America got black woman thinking their options are so limited, and the
numbers are so low for available quality black men I wouldn’t believe this at all but since STEVE
HARVEY was number one at the box office two weeks in a row I'm not surprised.
LMAO
But as Chele mentioned if you coming for him step your game
up cause if you’re bad enough to take
him and he stupid enough to go no phone call would be necessary
I loved your response!!! LOL It had just the right mix of :1) Are you carzy? 2) No are you really crazy!
3) I am not the one to be F**ked with! and 4) Bring it on!
"But as Chele mentioned if you coming for him step your game
up cause if you’re bad enough to take
him and he stupid enough to go no phone call would be necessary"
This right here is EVERYTHING!!!
Right? What did Evelyn say? A non-m'fuggin-factor. The chick is dilly.
Claire Huxtable as she precedes her displeasure with the phrase, "And, let the record show..." Everything spoken after those words are silent, but deadly, bullets that deftly find their target; maiming anything in their line of fire.
Go Donald Trump on her and tell her she's fired.
My exact thought. *paces room like Martin Lawrence* Who in their right mind would make that call? Since people can do this shiggity, let me find Idris girlfriend's number, ohhh... & Michael Ealy too.
I wish I WISH there was an emoticon or series of punctuations I could use to indicate my face right now.
What.
In.
The.
Hell.
Is wrong with people?
::sigh:: I woulda just hung up and that's why you're better than me, chele.
I normally just lurk but am i the only one that thinks that homegirl might look exactly like the picture Chele posted?
Oh ok....*Retreats to lurk-dom*
No.you.are.not.
Hot Diggity Damb! Chele has proven once again why Bougie is a force not to be messed with!
I hate that I get off work so late! I miss so much!!!
ALL.OF.THIS~ #ICANT
I would have stopped the tack head chick at "Don't take this the wrong way but..." and told her to not to say whatever shiggity she was about to say, called DLC to have a chat about the apparently crazy folks in his life, and then called the crazy MFer that gave out my number and said many not-so-bougie things to make it clear that one does not give my phone number without my permission.
I've had THE busiest day ever, so I simply held my breath and closed my eyes, the moment I read "Don't take this the wrong way but... we were wondering what your long term plans are with David?"
I have one (1) very simple directive/agreement/pet peeve/non-negotiable in EVERY relationship. It is YOUR job to ensure that EVERY person (man, woman, child, animal?) under the sun, moon & stars respects me and MY job to ensure that every person under the sun, moon & stars respects you. ANY violations will be a problem for this relationship.
You handled it MORE than admirably. I'm sure I would have chuckled long enough to get her name, the names of the entire group, as well as the order in which & on what platter(s) they planned to serve & partake of DLC.
My conversation with her would have ended thusly. "I am NOT sure which chick you THINK I am, but trust me, I am NOT her". My next call would have been to DLC with said information and a reminder of the above directive/agreement/pet peeve/non-negotiable.
*hmpf*
You mean the one that goes along with the post? LOL. I could see it. It's the eyes over the rim thing. People do that when they do too much and they know it but only subconsciously. :)
The step your game up piece is my favorite part. She didn't tell her to have a seat, she told her to be better and in that she encouraged her. That's got to be the 2012 equivalent of turning the other cheek, thereby proving that what Chele REALLY did was run through a WWJD logical form in her mind prior to responding.
Of course I would've asked Jesus to hold me near the cross and STILL told that girl to have all the seats she could find plus the several thousand I had set out for her.
Kudos for Madame Bouge for keeping it classy because I wouldn't have. Hell, my blood is boiling just reading this ish!
I would have went Bonequisha from Southwest Houston (Fondren/W. Airport to be exact) on her arse. That is all.
You need to know that I laughed and I laughed hard at your inviting her to brunch (such a bougie thing) to beat the brakes off her (such a ratchet thing). This is just... this made my whole day. YESSSSSSS!!!
These.Exact.Words!
"Work wife" ... utter foolishness and pure nonsense. Do you not see that ring on his finger? It's on all day, work, home, grocery store, wherever. I put it there. Wherever he is, he has only one wife, and that's me. (And I know your Rob's not the type to be ditching his ring or not wearing one at all, any more than my Paul is, right?)
Me too!
I read "WE were wondering what your plans were with David" and had to stop, rub my eyes, and re-read that to make sure I read what I thought I did.
Hmph. I can only wish I could have been HALF as tactful. I've been middle-class and professional for a only a minute...I been hood most my life. I can shift-change on a dime. Ol Girl woulda caught some of my SouthSide Chi-town, with the quickness!
That bitch betta GET HER LIFE!!! WTF??
Like I said on Twitter earlier today..I received a phone call much like this..at 7AM..from the ex GF of my now ex boyfriend. She wanted tell me this and that about my man, in the spirit of "helping a fellow sista" out. I don't typically clown in relation to a dude but this bish woke me out of a DEAD ASS SLEEP to call my phone with some nonsense. No ma'am, pressed ham.
When I finished..she was in tears. My ex got a wake up call and an EARFUL. Turns out she'd hacked his email and gotten my number.
Bitches be crazy.
I know all ABOUT that Fondren Southwest..what what!
You don't shut her down. Rob does. *hard stare at Rob*
ANTE UP!! Yo yap that bitch
She try to spaz out then smack that bitch
Hoe you don't be rhymin, you still memorizin
Remi want them God damn diamonds (HUH!!!)
It's hard to yell with barrels in ya mouth!
Wow. I swear too many folks these days have NO hometraining whatsoever. Forget WDDDA and What Part of the Game Is This, this is firmly planted in What The Flying F***?! territory.
'Work wife'? I can't.
What Tiffany said. In my opinion, your man needs to Handle That.
"I've been middle-class and professional for a only a minute...I been hood most my life." *hollers*
Being awaken from a dead ass sleep with nonsense of any kind will have you acting coo coo for Cocoa Puffs quick!
LOL, WOW and SMH!!!!
I have never had anyone bold, pressed, or stupid enough to call me or even directly address me about a guy they knew was feeling me but did not know the extent of what me and him had going on.
However I did have a brawd try to befriend me under false pretenses so she could gauge what me and dude were to each other instead of her just going for her's with him, but of course I peeped that out the gate.
My name was constantly in her mouth to him, then all the compliments, then the extra"niceness" then just being too pressed to be around me instead of sincerely being kind and cool...... all this by another grown woman now. People are wack and I told dude so at the time, I saw through her like a pane of glass but then he turned out to be a complete a$$ so no wonder he would associate with the parched.
"the quiet but firm way of the wig snatch many of you possess rubs off on me"--Second that!
She was definitely ill advised by the group. They must have pumped her up making her think she was up for the task. Silly rabbits, tricks are for kids!!! Jsmh...
"Blouses, Purple" Hilarious!!!
Some chick rang my phone NOT once but TWICE at 2 in the am I was fish grease HOTTTT!!!!! I do NOT play about my sleep everybody who knows me knows that. All I heard was him in the background screaming "give me the phone, hang up the phone". Mind you he and I had never gone out (we set a date but once his gfriend called that was the end of those plans) just talked on the phone a few times. He was all I don't have time for games and lies and the last girl I dated was a stalker *sideye* smh
me three
Yeah he WAS playing games!
"I do NOT play about my sleep everybody who knows me knows that."...If my mom calls me and I'm sleep she immediately says, "I'll call you later".
I know, right? I know they taught 'Sharing is Caring' in nursery school, but that doesn't apply in relationships. The Golden Rule does, though - you know she'd be madder than a wet cat if some woman pulled that stunt on her.
i know i'm late, but are you out on bond or posting from a minimum security facility!!! how was there no violence involved?
She cannot be serious! Way to handle your business Chele.
Me too! These comments on this one have me rolling!
That was some real dressed up ghettofab ish. Wow.
Get Her Life! Indeed! Love what you wrote here, but word to the oh so wise, turn your phone off before your head hits the pillow. No matter happens when it's off, it will wait until the morning. No need to be disturbed while sleeping over so bull-ish like this...or any ish' now that I think about it.
Get Her Life! Indeed! Love what you wrote here, but word to the oh so wise, turn your phone off before your head hits the pillow. No matter happens when it's off, it will wait until the morning. No need to be disturbed while sleeping over so bull-ish like this...or any ish' now that I think about it.
REGULATORS! MOUNT UP!
oh, since she "always" says this to you, you need to have a serious "heart to heart" with her. Know what I mean? Handle it.
I can't believe she tried you like that. The sad thing is that she doesn't even realize that the reason SHE was the one pumped up to make the call is because her so-called friends knew she was the only one, out of them all, actually dumb enough to do it. They set her up, and now they're probably laughing and talking about her behind her back.
the best variant to u - just send her to ass,and that`s enough.
Right, unless someone is damn near on their way to see Jesus, my phone needs to remain unrung!!
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