Monday, April 02, 2012

Ask a Bougie Chick: Which guy is the one for me?


I'm way behind on answering these Ask a Bougie Chick questions so I thought we'd play some catch up this week. First up comes from a 29-year old woman who is struggling with a dilemma most ladies would be glad to have. She's dating two guys she likes and now she needs to decide between the two of them.

Hi Ms. Michele,
Wondering if you can just give me an opinion on something? I imagine myself to be a little bit like you- kinda bougie but not obnoxious with it. Educated, professional and know what I want in life. I'm very fortunate to have met two men that I like very much. They've both known about each other from the start but now after about five or six months of seeing them both, they have indicated and I agree that in order to move forward with one or the other, I have to chose.

They are both great guys but very different. One, I'll call him Allen, is kind of buttoned up. He went to college, came from a solid family background. He works in corporate America and is very traditional in his thinking about his career, gender roles, everything. I'm making him sound boring but he's not. The other guy, I'll call him Barry, is more of a self-made guy. His aunt raised him, he didn't go to college but he owns a company that is very successful. He is not predictable and a lot less structured in his life plans and expectations.

I have great chemistry with both. I enjoy spending time with both. I think they both speak to different sides of me. I don't know how to choose, any suggestions?
-Lana in Minneapolis

Hey Lana! All due respect but you do know. Somewhere inside you know which one you see yourself with for the long haul. But okay, let's assume you don't and you are truly torn. This is a classic dilemma that I (someone who creates male prototypes for entertainment) call Navy Polo vs. Black T-shirt. Not to be confused with Preston (White Button Down) or Pookie (White Tee) those are the extremes on the spectrum.

Navy Polo guy is corporate, drives a sensible car (Honda/Acura/BMW), and wants a house in the suburbs. He rocks a navy polo shirt with khakis and loafers well. Black T-shirt is entrepreneurial, has a sports car and/or a motorcycle and lives in a condo or loft in the city. He rocks a tight black tee, jeans and aviator sunglasses well. There's nothing wrong with either of these guys. One is a little predictable, one is a little more edgy. So what do you really want?

I tend to prefer a dude who can rock both. I like the boughetto blend. Which one of these guys can roll with all of you not just the parts you are currently choosing to share? Let us know how it turns out.


Bouginistas - what say you to Lana? Are we getting the whole story here? Ever had this kind of "who should I choose" dilemma? Gents, are you more Allen or Brian? Ladies, which would you prefer? Thoughts, comments, insights.

53 comments:

taut_7 said...

both of these guys knew about each other for 6 months? and there was no friction? hmmmm men tend to be a little more territorial than that. i wonder their level of commitment to her because i know if i really, really liked a woman i wouldn't like the idea of her seeing another man as long as that. maybe a little too much tmi, i wonder if she's sleeping with both of them, one of them or neither. 

as far as the survey i think i'm definitely a black t-shirt guy.

EvolvingElle said...

I'm kinda with taut_7.  I've never dated a guy who would have been ok with me dating another guy for half a year.  Maybe 3 months, but after that, you either gotta piss or get off the pot.  Since I'm a little more traditional (have you read the blog?) and like stability, I would definitely go for Navy Polo.  I am interested in hearing who she chooses and how things are a year from now.

CaliGirlED said...

"you either gotta piss or get off the pot."...Y'all know I love country sayings!!! I love to use this one! LOL

blackprofessor said...

What does your gut say? Are you sure that you should be considering either of these guys? IMO, the She's Gotta Have It scenarios are pretty rare unless the guys don't know they are being juggled.  I would be a little suspicious if both guys claimed to be into me but were cool with being part of a trio for six months. 

I have been in a similar situation though slightly different. The dilemma was whether to go back to a boyfriend or start something with a new guy but neither knew about the other.  I made the wrong decision because one situation looked "easier" than the other.  The only piece of advice I can offer is not to shy away from the situation that requires vulnerability, emotional honesty and work.  That might be the best thing for you.  

CaliGirlED said...

I agree wholeheartedly with Taut! Six months is a long time for two men to go without forcing a decision. I think they are both otherwise involved and the minute she makes that decision, she's going to see the true side of the "winner". Neither one of them is "hers" for the taking! I foresee her having to start all over again, probably sooner than later.

And if she really knows what she wants, then she wouldn't have had to date the two for six months and STILL be undecided. IJS

EvolvingElle said...

Southern, not country. :)

thinklikeRiley said...

Why she gotta choose? Dudes cool with it for this long? Sound like she got good ingredients for a sammich.

Riley? I'm black tee/white tee ignore that I'm rocking navy polo in my profile pic.

ishtar_79 said...

 ". I think they are both otherwise involved and the minute she makes that
decision, she's going to see the true side of the "winner"."

^^^This.

I'll also add that sometimes a woman should refrain from telling a man her entire situation when it comes to dating.  Not saying a woman should lie, but "never let your right hand know what your left hand is doing" definitely applies here.

Carolyn said...

I agree she knows. It's more the guy I want versus the guy I'm supposed to want. She'll figure it out. As for me, being that I tend to choose Pookie, being with a black T-shirt guy has been a serious cover-up. A corporate suburban guy would bore me, I think.

JW2 said...

I think she knows, she just wants confirmation that she's making a sound choice

Honestly, both guys probably already have a 2nd option or she's that fine/that horizontally entertaining that they would agree to lingering around for 6 months. That's a pretty substantial time for a single dude to compete for a woman's attention. Not sure what the dating pool is like in Minneapolis 

M Dot said...

She must be amazing to have two guys be cool with that situation for 5-6 months. I was about two in on a similar and I "let myself out," so to speak.

That being said, I'm a mix of the two.  Non-traditional upbringing.  I live downtown and drive a sensible car;  you'll never get me to move to the 'burbs. I dress to the occasion.  Suits require hard-bottom shoes; I leave the suit and sneakers look to Russell Simmons (note: if you don't have $200MM like Rush, you look silly dressing that way). Families always love me, the women I'm trying to date...ehhh I'll get back to you. My red Kool-Aid making skills: sick.

(I feel like I should tell you my zodiac and play Float On in the background, but maybe next time)

M Dot said...

way too long to be cool with that situation

CaliGirlED said...

Agreed.

I mean did they just know that they weren't exclusive with her and she MIGHT have been seeing other people, or did they have a clear understanding that they were sharing her? The latter is asking for disaster.

Men don't really function that way. Even if you're just "buddies", they don't want to KNOW that you're "buddying" with several other men, unless they truly do not give a damn about you. In which case they are not seriously considering you for a permanent place in their life. Which leads me to the thought that Allen and/or Barry is just trying to pull rank for ego-sake.

Grace said...

It would be rude for me to side-eye Lana and duck out?
Okay. Do you girl.
I'm team boughetto all day.

M Dot said...

Greer Childs and Mars Blackmon approve this post

GrownAzzMan said...

I was once in a similar situation. Did not let it go any six months before a decision was forced. WDDDA?
As for the quiz I wear all of the above. Cannot be categorized by clothing.

GrownAzzMan said...

Props for the "She's Gotta Have It" reference...

tishatweets said...

I agree with my BIL (taut) on this one. 6 months is a long time for a man to be cool with you dating another man in the same exact way you're dating him. I don't know that type of man. And, like Chele said, woman to woman? You know in your gut. You either want your choice co-signed, or for someone to give you a reason to go the way in which you already know you don't want to go.

With regard to which I prefer, he has to be a mix. Navy Polo when necessary, Black Tee when that's necessary.  And, most importantly, he has to know when each is necessary--and I'm no longer speaking merely to clothes. ;) 

Trey Charles said...

What's with the sharing? (unless you're into that)
By your definitions, I'm Navy Polo.
*considers trading in BMW for Ducati*

GrownAzzMan said...

Does team boughetto have a uniform?

tishatweets said...

Agreed. Beyond the whole "we're not exclusive" conversation I'm not sure what else needs to be said to the men you're dating about the other men you're dating. In fact, unless a man shares his desire for exclusivity with me, I'm assuming there's someone else. So in this siutation, the men should know they're not the only one, but certainly not how long I've been seeing the other one, that I  need to make a decision, etc. Way too much info.

CaliGirlED said...

 "And, most importantly, he has to know when each is necessary--and I'm no longer speaking merely to clothes. ;)"....<-----This all day, er'ryday!

I believe Ms. Lana wants to go black tee, but is afraid if it doesn't work out she'll feel stupid for not going navy polo. I say beware of black tee and don't underestimate navy polo, both are going to cut a fool (in their own way) if/when she chooses one of them.

tishatweets said...

'Cause baybee....that male ego, though?!

tishatweets said...

Exactly. No promises from either one. Even the most stable of Negroes can show his behind.

CaliGirlED said...

One of my uncles told me a long time ago to let a man think he is not the only one until you are serious about him. I'm sure he would definitely disagree though with giving away any details about the others (real or fake)....I never took his advice.  Hmmm...*re-evaluates Unc's pearl*

Only1DivaC said...

Girl you better say that! *throws $100 in the offering plate*

OneChele said...

Well, you know it will have some purple in it.

tishatweets said...

LOL! Yes, Unc! No details. But, as the game is to be sold and not told, I'm outta here! *walks off stage to "Freddie's Dead."

Page Bartlett said...

I'll take "You already Knowin', Wuit Trippin'" for $200, Alex.

#TeamBoughetto

ShawnSoze said...

Where do we sign up for #TeamSomethingAintRight? Ain't no way these "quality" dudes straight with splitting the cupcake. Six months? Nah, son.

Navy Polo, White Button Down sue me. 

C Nelson said...

 What changed? They were okay with being non-exclusive for 6 months, and now suddenly and at the same time they're demanding you pick one? There's something going on behind the scenes, and you're probably not going to enjoy finding out what.

That said, my vote is "neither". Because:

* I make decisions about being exclusive when I'm ready to make the decision, and not at the point of an ultimatum. "I love you and I want us to be exclusive" is one discussion; "it's got to be him or me" is entirely another.

* The fact that I even have to wonder which one to choose tells me neither of them is ideal for me. If I'd gotten to the point where I couldn't be without one of them, I'd already have let the other go.

* Since I clearly don't feel that way about either of them, *and* they're no longer happy with what we've had, it's time to let them both go their own ways and find myself someone I can feel at least 95% about.

For myself, I go Navy Polo. I can see 40 from where I'm sitting; I don't have that much patience to spare for the guy who's still edgy and thrill-seeking. These are my years to consolidate, make a difference, even if it's only in my own little community, build a legacy, and set something aside for the days when I'm done with worrying about employment and raises and promotions and performance. Plenty of time for jumping out of perfectly good airplanes (or building and flying perfectly good airplanes, another dream of mine) when I'm old enough to scandalize my children and delight my grandchildren with my antics -- now is for making sure I've got the gracious home and the sprawling garden and the great contacts to hand down to them. Though I will say, I see nothing wrong with scootering around town in the meantime! I miss my little Honda Metro...

Pretty Primadonna said...

Point of clarification: are Allen and Barry offering commitment to Lana?  Are THEY currently seeing other women?  It appears from the tone of Lana's email that they are dating only her and want to "move forward" with a relationship, but I don't want to assume...  If they want her to be exclusive to them, but they aren't offering the same, I don't understand why she needs to choose one over the other.

And I'm curious about the comments that 5-6 months is a long time for a man to share.  How many months do you guys date someone before entering an exclusive relationship?

TrulyPC said...

"Which one of these guys can roll with all of you not just the parts you are currently choosing to share?"<------ This couldn't be more perfect advice.Lana, I think too many times people will fall into this idea of not engaging their complete selves thinking that a particular person would not appreciate all of who they are.  No one should want to hide who they are in any way because eventually the complete you will want to break free and that can happen in some of the most inopportune ways. I have been the person that has engaged only part of who I am.  Not because I thought all of me was a bad thing but because I tend to be guarded.  I had a problem with him thinking that I was ONLY a certain way when I would do or say something that he found out of character.  It was my fault because at the onset I only engaged a particular part of myself around him.  As for dating two guys for 6 months I would need more information because I don't see it as not being plausible especially considering the fact that the men could have been dating other people as well.

Pretty Primadonna said...

"I make decisions about being exclusive when I'm ready to make the decision, and not at the point of an ultimatum. "I love you and I want us to be exclusive" is one discussion; "it's got to be him or me" is entirely another."

^^That was bothersome to me as well.  I was hoping Lana wants a relationship, could see herself in one with A or B, but is unclear as to who she wants one with more.  However, if she's only attempting to decide between the two at their behest, that opens up an entirely new can of worms.

Monna said...

Lana, are u ready  though and circling back to Chele what is it that you are looking in a s.o?

Monna said...

"Navy Polo when necessary, Black Tee when that's necessary.  And, most importantly, he has to know when each is necessary". All. Day. Like Jada Pinkett once said, " a guy that can take me to   Jay-z  concert and turn around take me to the  White House."

tishatweets said...

" a guy that can take me to Jay-z  concert and turn around take me to the  White House."

This. Exactly.

Marioned said...

Tell each one that you have chosen him and then see how they act over the next month!

CaliGirlED said...

 ^^^STUPID!!! LOL

SingLikeSassy said...

I'm responding to this without looking at Chele's response OR Bougieland responses.

Where are you in your life? Are you ready to go down the aisle and all that? Would you be making a decision if neither of them had said anything to force your hand? Personally, I don't think you want either one of these dudes. *shrug*

In terms of what kind of dude I like (I saw that poll as I scrolled down) -- A friend said recently that she didn't think Idris Elba was attractive and I explained why he was attractive to me:  (taking into consideration I don't know him and personality helps fill in the cracks and crevices) Idris looks grown.  He's not pretty. As my grandma says, "he looks like he can do something," like if I need him to push a plow or haul some wood, he's on the job.
So, a combo of all those looks in the poll AND someone who isn't defined by clothing.

Jubi The Great said...

No country for "grown" folks who need someone else to cosign their decisions.

SingLikeSassy said...

After reading down thread, I have to say the six month timeframe didn't throw me because I assumed (yes yes I know) there was no cocoa being stirred with either guy. 

And, yeah, sharing so much information that the dudes aren't saying, "Hey, it's been x months and I am really feeling you and want to be exclusive" and instead the discussion is, "So it's that dude or me," was a bad move.

CaliGirlED said...

"Idris looks grown...As my grandma says, "he looks like he can do something,"....LOVE IT!!!....And looks can be deceiving, so if "Idris" or whomever lacked any kind of know how about simple household or car stuff, fine/pretty and all, he'd get a huge tight-side-eye from me.

Javalicious said...

What was it someone said in here - never dangle your daisy in front of your rose? Exactly. 

Javalicious said...

What you're really saying is that you don't want either one and can one of us give you a good reason to bail on both? 

Bryan Anthony said...

Entire situ sounds suspect.

Where's the box to check for nerdy t-shirt and cargo shorts? 

Cocoa Winston said...

Ri-ight?

Cocoa Winston said...

HA! Why would have him plowing fields and chopping wood? Oh - is that a euphemism? BWAHAHA!
I take your meaning, I just couldn't resist. 

OneChele said...

Awesome advice.

Earthangel172 said...

I'm calling bullshiggity on two grown men waiting around six months for one chick. My pardon my frankness but one of them "got dem drawers" and the other guy is merely something to do. If I were Lana, I wouldn't choose either guy because I find it hard to believe that any man would have much respect for a woman who can't make up her mind after six months. Just my $.02.

Brenda Kay said...

Lana ~ I say this harshly, but with love - stop being an "approval suck"! 

How would any of us possibly know which of the two men you very briefly described in your email is the "right" person for you? If you truly don't know which of these men you want to be with, then that's your single biggest indication that you shouldn't be with either of them. 

GammasWorld said...

Why are they wanting you to choose now?  Has this been some kind of competition between them versus either/both of them getting to know you and you know them?  I don't know, I have never had this decision to make.  I know not what is appropriate here.   

One Chele said...

What's with the sharing? (unless you're into that)
By your definitions, I'm Navy Polo.
*considers trading in BMW for Ducati*

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