Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Ask a Bougie Chick - Is he worth the wait?


Today a young lady wonders if the guy she met is for real and worth her continued investment. Take a look and weigh in.

Hi Chele, 

How are you? I'm having a guy issue and wanted to ask you about it. Love your blog by the way, I am a faithful reader. 

About 2 months ago, I met a guy "D" at a party I had at my apartment. A mutual friend brought him and I guess he was into me, because he asked my friend for my number. We started texting the next day. D was in Atlanta for the weekend looking for an apartment because he planned to move from Houston 2 weeks after I met him. Two weeks turned into 1 month because his aunt died right before he was set to leave. Now one month has turned into "indefinitely" because his mother has ended up in the hospital and he is going to stay in Houston to care for her and help cover some of the bills until she gets better. I am definitely understanding and compassionate, knowing that if my mom were in that situation, she would be my top priority. From the day after I met him until about 3 days ago, D and I have talked on the phone or exchanged text messages almost daily. I think he's a great person and I was excited for him to move to my city so we could continue getting to know each other and maybe take it further. 

But now I'm starting to feel antsy. He hasn't even been back to Atlanta for a visit, and doesn't know when he will be able to take that trip. He has no idea when he'll finally be able to move to Atlanta. I don't really want to carry on this phone-based interaction much longer when there's no prospect or promise of us moving forward. 

I also have that cynical voice in the back of my head that wonders if D is 100% real with me. I only met him about 2 months ago, and all I've had to go on is his word. The guy who introduced us vouches for D, but I personally haven't spent any time with him. It's not like we hung out alot in Atlanta before he went back to Houston--we met, and days later he was in Texas again. I've never gotten the feeling that he's lying to me, but I feel like I need to be wise and not naive. I just watched a show on ID about a man who made up elaborate stories about his parents and children dying and they were all lies! I know that's extreme, but still. 

He seems to be a great guy and we have great conversations. We laugh, we "get" each other, and we really click. I really want to see where this thing can go, but that can't happen until he's finally able to make the move to Atlanta (at least I don't feel like it can). A couple days ago I basically told him that I really don't think I can keep up all this phone talking and texting, and I really want him to come to Atlanta at least for a visit. He said he will when we can, but can't make any promises right now. 

Am I being unreasonable? Too impatient? Should I give him more time given his tough family circumstances? Should we stop talking everyday and just let some time pass? Should I stop caring because I don't really know know him? 

Also, not sure if you think age matters, but we're pretty young here. I'm 23 and he's 24. He was coming to Atlanta for an internship and to finish school. 
-Brianna in the A

Hey Bri! Thanks for being a faithful reader. We LOVE that. :) I say, at this point, no harm done. If you aren't seeing anyone else and all he's using up is your cell phone minutes and you're enjoying yourself, roll with it. The truth (good bad or ugly) will come to light eventually and then really all you've done is spend some time having great conversation with a guy you like. If you meet someone else or get information that puts him in a negative light, you can walk away. That's just my two cents.

BougieLand, what say you?

40 comments:

Maxine Shaw said...

That's a tough one but on the I would just let him go (gently) so he can focus all his energy on his mom but if he's ever in ATL he can look you up

C Nelson said...

If you've got the time to spend (and at 23, you've got nothing but time, really...) let it ride, at least for awhile. Just to counterbalance the "guy leading double life" stories ... my fiance and I met online, in a game. We talked in-game for almost two years before deciding to date (and meet each other in real life) and then it took almost three years (and only one more visit) to get all the paperwork in order so one of us could move, because we weren't in different states, we were in different hemispheres. (For the record, best. move. EVER. I'm loving my new home.) If you really feel impatient, you know Greyhound runs to Houston, right? He may be stuck there caretaking, but you're not so tied down where you are; drop in. How he reacts when you drop in may well clear up some of your doubts one way or the other, too. 

MsJamie14 said...

This must be young buck week on BnB.

You live in Atlanta. What's the problem? Enjoy life and dating in ATL as well as getting to know a dude that happens to live in Houston. What's the rush? And if there is a rush, they do make planes right? You can always go there too. Sickness and death are very real things, it's not all about you. Calm down.

Gem said...

great advice, Chele.

i definitely agree to just roll with it. if she enjoys his [phone] company, then she should continue to get to know him and learn more about him. face time is great but quality conversation through any means goes a long way. if they think each other is worth it, they'll make it work one way or another. and if he's not worth it, move on. 

thinklikeRiley said...

Why so antsy? Time is on yo side. If you and young 'un vibin' - go wi' dat. 
You ladies have GOT to step away from DiscoveryID for a hot minute.
Pluznthx - The Brethren

SingLikeSassy said...

No, don't put your life on hold for some dude you've seen once and talked to on the phone two or three times. 

Kthxbai!

CaliGirlED said...

Bri, why can't you come visit him in Houston? It's a lovely city! Just wondering since I didn't read that in your letter. BRB

TrulyPC said...

I don't see a problem continuing to communicate with someone you like.  Just don't sit around not enjoying your life where you are.  

Lady4Real said...

I concur with the Bougienista. It doesn't hurt to chit chat and text until his situation gets clearer. You may end up with a wonderful friend at the end or a great boyfriend once everything calma down. Can't fault the fella for tradegy striking. But if you don't have the patience or feel that your time would be better spent moving on, you have to do what will make you happy. I personally would keep up the convo, some of my best friendships have developed because life took us is a direction that we had not intentions on traveling.

Lady4Real said...

that would be perfect. go show him some love, a little support in the midst of so much muck. Plus you get to see for yourself if he is genuine.

MsJamie14 said...

PS: If and when he comes to ATL, I doubt he'll want to settle down. He'll be 24 and in a city full of new women. Not to say it's not possible, but I hope you're taking advantage of all of your options too. I live here and there's plenty!!!

If you want to be "wise and not naive" I hope you're not putting all your eggs in this basket.

Jubi The Great said...

I raised an eyebrow at first auntie dying, then mom being sick. But maybe that's just me.

Sounds like you should just keep it at a friendly level with the calls/texts but not expect too much from that situation. Enjoy being 23 in Atlanta - I know I did :-)

La said...

Is there any reason you can't come to Houston? Or did I miss something? I'm not sure why the onus is falling on him to come visit.

Anywho, you guys are young. I think you have done all the right things here; you have been upfront and honest, you have been understanding. And more importantly you've set boundaries; you know a long drawn out dalliance across state lines isn't what you want. Now stick to that. You can still talk to him, but enjoy being young and single while he handles whatever family business he has to take care of.

Stillwaters2013 said...

"Why so antsy?"

Exactly. I think OP is being incredibly self-centered. I'm in her age range, and see this way too often. The same women complaining about the lack of good men, someone on their level, but once they get one, complain that he spends too much time at school, or at work, or with his family and not with her. Girl, get over yourself. If you need more attention than what he can give you, good luck and good riddance. Keep it moving. 

CaliGirlED said...

 1) "The guy who introduced us vouches for D..."...Who is this guy? Is he a good friend of yours? Is D someone he knows personally and is also a good friend to, or is he telling you what his cousin's girlfriend's sister's baby's daddy said about D.

2) "I've never gotten the feeling that he's lying to me, but I feel like I need to be wise and not naive."...Is this coming from your gut, ID, past experiences, others' experiences?..Sort that out.

3) "I really want to see where this thing can go, but that can't happen
until he's finally able to make the move to Atlanta (at least I don't
feel like it can)."...Are you against long distance relationships? And I ask again, why can't you visit him in Houston?

4) "A couple days ago I basically told him that I really don't think I can
keep up all this phone talking and texting, and I really want him to
come to Atlanta at least for a visit."...If he is on the up and up, then you're not really looking at the position he's in. His mom is sick enough to need his constant care. Is her sickness related to what took his aunt's life? Until you've been up close and personal with a sick/dying close family member, you won't know what it's like to put your life on hold for them.

5) "Am I being unreasonable? Too impatient?----->"But now I'm starting to feel antsy."

6) "Should I give him more time given his tough family circumstances?...Should I stop caring because I don't really know know him?"...Only you can determine this.

7) "Should we stop talking everyday and just let some time pass?"...This might be best seeing how you are so uncertain about this whole situation. You are putting more stress on D (if D is 100% real) than he needs right  now.

Be a good friend to D, whatever that means to and D. Talk about it!

blackprofessor said...

My left eyebrow went up when I read this letter.  All the drama in this letter is a bit extra and it sounds like he had solid hopes not solid plans. 

That being said, I am with Chele, just roll with it!  If it escalates, great! If not, fine.  Keep your options open and enjoy yourself.

CaliGirlED said...

Dated a guy who used the "mom is sick" thing. After a few months I listened to my gut, took it upon myself to conclude that he was not being 100% real, called him out and left him hanging. So yes both of my eyebrows raised. But I don't want to automatically assume that D is full of bullshiggity because life CAN actually be that way sometimes.

GrownAzzMan said...

"You ladies have GOT to step away from DiscoveryID for a hot minute."

Truth.Spoken.Here.

Unless I am missing something there is no scam here. Has he asked her for anything other then time on the phone? How does this even apply?

GrownAzzMan said...

I thought the same thing. Then I said that maybe it was just my 'maleness' coming through.

GrownAzzMan said...

Call first. IJS

tishatweets said...

I guess I don't get the sense of urgency. Doesn't read like a relationship to me. He doesn't owe you anything. And neither do you him. Keep talking to him if you like him. If something builds, awesome. If not, okay. It was an experience. Meanwhile, talk to him. And him. And him. Oh, and him (not I said "talk to", not "sleep with"). You're so young! Enjoy this season of your life.

tishatweets said...

Please and thank you.

mickmicki said...

Continue to date other men. Also...stop making yourself so available for phone calls. Not because you are playing a game. The last thing that you want is to get wrapped up in a telephone relationship. If he shows up in Atlanta, then definitely spend time with him.

Good luck!

CaliGirlED said...

DO NOT EVER, EVER EVER EVER, just pop-up on a grown person, local or long distance! Did I say EVER?

CaliGirlED said...

 Hallelujah!!! "TALK TO"!

M Dot said...

truth

Pure Choco said...

Just enjoy it for now without taking it too seriously.

SingLikeSassy said...

Maybe I'm getting cynical in my old(er) divorced state but at 23, all you should be doing is stirring cocoa and making money (and just to be clear I do NOT mean making money BY stirring cocoa).

If you and this dude are meant to be it will happen whether that is today or next year, but in the interim summer is coming, his life is filled with family obligations and there are other brothers IN Atlanta you could be hanging out with during sundress season so, I repeat what I said earlier: don't put your life on hold for this fella.

ShawnSoze said...

How hard will I get side-eyed if I say women make things too complicated?
Be easy, sis. If he wants you, he'll come for you. If not, onto the next.

Deb B said...

*sighs wistfully* I miss those days when you could just talk on the phone to a guy and get to know him without all the extra, extra getting in the way...

CaliGirlED said...

 No side eye here! *drops a $20 in the offering plate*

Chree Carr said...

As other posters have stated there is nothing to lose by continuing to converse with him. 

My advice: realize it's just conversation; don't try to fall in love over the phone.  We put so much emphasis on communication (as we should) that when met with situations like yours some people tend to create relationships and love based solely on conversations over the phone. 

Enjoy the friendship and make sure you both know that it can only be two people conversing until you have more face-to-face time to see where it leads.    It also gives him the heads up that he has no claim to you just because you've talked for a few months (trust me, it happens).  

happinessisme said...

Yeah, realize it's just a conversation and do you. Sounds like there is too much on his plate for anything more than some phone conversations. Trust, if old boy wanted to see you again, he would. I was in a situation like this(twice with the same person) not that long ago. Enjoy the conversations but if a relationship is what you're looking for, look elsewhere. 

GammasWorld said...

Half of that is from me 

GammasWorld said...

I guess this is age and cynicism showing but I'm not sure what all the drama is about?  He can't come visit right now?   Have you suggested that you go to Houston for a visit?  I didn't get the sense that this was a relationship but just somebody you met and connected with and want to get to know better.   Just let it be that ... right now.  If/when he gets to move to the ATL then y'all can see where it goes but I don't see anything wrong with conversation if you enjoy talking to him.   You're 23 in the ATL, so pretty sure you're getting asked out on the regular ... do that too.  Y'all aren't in a relationship - yet.     

Brittany Geneva said...

Hey y'all! Thanks much for the comments. Tis I..."Brianna" lol. So I actually did discover some shadiness, about a week after I sent that message, and now me and D don't talk. Oh well! Oh and I was soo open to visiting Houston, but I was never invited. Even when I kind of brought it up (like "oh I have a few days off, what should I get into??") he never actually said hey, you should come to Houston. So yeah, I don't show up anywhere where I'm not invited. But thanks all for your input, if I was still dealing with D, it would have been very helpful, lol.

GammasWorld said...

Well now you need to give us a guest post :)  

no comment said...

YES! Last yr I turned something similar into COMPLICATED #fail #fail #fail and I know better but I still ended up getting caught up *le sigh* thank God for revelation..yet another lesson learned 

One Chele said...

Maybe I'm getting cynical in my old(er) divorced state but at 23, all you should be doing is stirring cocoa and making money (and just to be clear I do NOT mean making money BY stirring cocoa).

If you and this dude are meant to be it will happen whether that is today or next year, but in the interim summer is coming, his life is filled with family obligations and there are other brothers IN Atlanta you could be hanging out with during sundress season so, I repeat what I said earlier: don't put your life on hold for this fella.

One Chele said...

*sighs wistfully* I miss those days when you could just talk on the phone to a guy and get to know him without all the extra, extra getting in the way...

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