Thursday, February 02, 2012

Ask a Bougie Chick - But he said it was okay!

[Disclaimer - Le Dude is out of the country for the next six weeks. We have no such agreement or drama as the one described below nor do we plan to. Nobody need come at me sideways.]

We're just going to dive in today. Our letter comes from Janae. She's twenty-seven and she's been in a committed relationship with thirty year old Kendrick for three years. They live together in Kenner, Louisiana. Here we go:
Hey Chele and all the bougie dwellers:
The whole point of this letter is to ask if I'm right or wrong or does is just not make a difference? 
Kendrick and I have been together for three years, it's been a great relationship and I hope we get married someday. Right before Thanksgiving, Kendrick left to spend a year in Africa. I spent ten days with him and then came back for my job plus my family and friends are here. Before I got on the plane to come back, Kendrick and I had this long talk about our expectations for the upcoming year.  
He said he had no plans to be unfaithful but a year was a long time. He suggested that we make our relationship an open one until he returns. I went from zero to mad right then and there. He was putting me on a plane and basically saying whatever happened in Africa stayed in Africa? After everything we've been through? (Let's just say we've worked very hard to be together and stay together) 
But he explained that he was really saying this for me. I know, I know, Chele - I can feel your side-eye already but really, truly I believed that he was not looking for a Get Out Of Jail Free Card and thought a more open relationship would keep us from stressing out about what the other was doing. A year is a long time. So I agreed.  
Fast forward to a week ago, he and I are on Skype and he sees a friend of mine walking through the apartment in the background. He asked me who it was and I told him it was a friend of mine, Vaughn. He got really upset and asked who the hell Vaughn was and why was he in the apartment that late at night. After I asked Vaughn to leave, I tried to explain that Vaughn was just a friend. He asked me if I was sleeping with Vaughn and I answered truthfully it had only happened once. 
Kendrick asked me how I could do this to him and now he couldn't trust me and then he hung up. He won't take my calls or answer my emails. I'm confused - he's the one who said it was okay to be with other people? I didn't do anything wrong? What should I do now? - Janae
Well... I'm shaking my head reading this. First of all, Janae - thanks for reading BnB and writing in. Even though you've shared a lot of backstory, I find I'm still wondering - did Kendrick ask you to go with him? How did you define the scope of your relationship prior to him leaving? Have you all had any issues with infidelity in the past? 

Now that that is out the way - you cannot honestly tell me that you didn't know that when Kendrick said it was okay to sleep around he meant that is was okay for him and him alone? He was getting absolution in advance sweetie, that was never meant for you.

Even on the slimmest, tiniest, most minuscule off chance that he meant "sure, my woman of 3+ years, have a ball while I'm on another continent" - do you really think it was wise to have your cut buddy all up in screen range while Skypeing your boo-thang? Really? S.No.B. girlie. You never dangle your daisy in front of your rose, dig?

While talking about your daisy and your rose - I thought you were upset at the thought of either of you cheating? Though I'm not judging, it does not seem like it took you too long to find another plant for your secret garden. <~~Yes, that's the written equivalent of a non-judgy but quite perplexed side-eye.

Lastly, call him out. Kendrick bluffed and you called him on it, he has to acknowledge his part in this whole shebacle (that's shiggity + debacle). If he's not willing to stand behind what he said, you two don't have much of a relationship as it is.

These are just my two cents. Let me turn it over to BougieLand and see what they have for you. What say you all? Who is wrong? Kendrick? Janae? Both? Who's is "wronger" in this scenario and where (if anywhere) do the go from here? What are your thoughts on a "temporarily open relationship" - does that ever work? How long is too long to expect the other party to be faithful? Please respond...

126 comments:

Think P. Smart said...

I agree with Chele all day.  Lemme tell you how this is going to play out.  Sooner than later, he'll get lonely in Africa.  ( I hate using Africa when I'm sure he's in a country--cus ya know, Africa is a continent with many countries on it.)  Y'all will talk.  Hell, y'all may even get back together but he will NEVER see you the same.  And in the end, you will be the object of resentment as he tries to convince himself he's over what you did.  But he won't ever be.  And, he won't even see this it's his fault.  Honey, what you have just done is proven to him that you are just like other women.  The ones he'd never publicly claim. 

MsJamie14 said...

Open relationship? Huh? Y'all should have either broken up, or agreed to stay together and faithful. Long distance is hard enough without the complexity of being "open."

Anywhoo, but you did decide to do the open thing. Isn't the first rule to NOT flaunt it in the other's face if you decide to go there? How do you think you would have felt if you saw "Mmfoofoo" walking around in the background? Come on sis.

Who knows what the future will bring, maybe he'll get over it, maybe he want. Pray hard. LOL

@aaw1976 said...

Oh he is pissed  because she beat him to the punch and was honest about it.  Let's be real.  She isn't like other women.  She didn't try to hide her foolishness in fact she was refreshingly honest.  I am not saying I condone what she did. but he did it because deep down she knew his behind was over there cheating.  Cut your losses girl.  Cut your losses.

lessie brown said...

Open relationships work fine for some people in your situation. Jealousy crops up in open relationships. What has to happen for these things to persevere is a lot of communication and willingness to listen. I don't think you did anything wrong--particularly if he said it was ok. Read "The Ethical Slut" (you can find it cheap on amazon). There's no reason to re-invent the wheel. Folks have been doing this for awhile now and have some tips for navigating the tricky emotions that come up in such relationships.

Ultimately, he should still absolutely trust you if you were only acting according to the terms (though I agree it's not helpful to have other dude walking around while you and SO were on Skype. Even when I've been comfortable with a partner's other partner(s), I didn't necessarily want to see her walking around in the background). IF he'll talk to you, y'all are going to need to call deep on your courage and really put yourselves out there to make it through this. If he won't talk to you about this and trust you to be respectful of his feelings (and if you can't trust him to be respectful of yours as well), then that's a red flag that he maybe was making that term only for himself or was just talking out his a** and really isn't willing to do the emotional work necessary. Maybe you guys will have to take back the "open" term and just be apart for a long time. Either way, you guys need to think long and hard about what you want right now and in the future from each other.

Good luck to both of you. My BF of three years just broke up with me (like, four days ago) (and no, this particular relationship wasn't open and it wasn't infidelity that killed it). Three years was enough time to make me think we had something worth working for (sorry for TMI, Bougieland). I hope y'all can make something good out of this.

thinklikeRiley said...

Yo Kendrick - Don't buy yo' girl an all day pass to Disneyland and then expect her not to ride da rides, okay?
Yo Janae - The daisy & rose thang? #TruthAllDay
Yo Vaughn - Run son, and don't look back!

Riley out.

sherants said...

It's one thing to say lets have an open relationship and quite another to actually do it.  In other words, who you think you are/want to be and who you actually are, are usually two very different things.

NoNotPinkett said...

"...she was refreshingly honest." Love this. I'm constantly working toward transparency. Besides, the best way to deal with a bluff is to call it.

daisy said...

Great advice and condolences on the break-up.

daisy said...

I've never heard that daisy/rose thing - stealing it.
"he was getting absolution in advance sweetie" <~~ And that's the moral to the story right there.
I too am curious about some of the other "issues" in the past, I suspect they are cracks and crevices in this relationship. The hopeless romantic in me hopes they find a way to work it out. Three years is a long time to toss away on whatever that drama was.

She's gotta find a way to talk to him.

CaliGirlED said...

Wouldn't refreshingly honest have been her telling Kendrick prior to him seeing dude on the screen? I don't think honesty was really an option, more like I was trying to be slick by skyping while playing and hoped you wouldn't notice, but you did, and now I'll tell you what had happened. But dude knew EXACTLY what he was doing by making a cameo appearance!

TrulyPC said...

For him to drop the "let's have an open relationship" bomb at the
airport was all manners of shady.  He should have had that HUGE
discussion during the previous 9 days she spent there.  I would have called his bluff at the airport and said that an open relationship was a no.  I. DON'T. SHARE.  You are either in or you are out.

Janae-

I would have to agree with Chele.  They never mean that it would be okay in their minds to have you be with anyone else EVER.  So my question for you is, how invested were you in keeping the relationship in the pre-Africa state to begin with if 1st you agreed with "Open" when you didn't want to and then 2nd you decided to take the outside cocoa leap?  Maybe both of you had some genuine concerns about the relationship that you'll needed to discuss rather than choosing the "Open" option which is ALWAYS about new and optional cocoa.

blackprofessor said...

Not Mfoofoo, dead!

blackprofessor said...

I love how you gave advice to Vaughn too, lol!

TrulyPC said...

 "Jealousy crops up in open relationships." 

This is exactly why I don't understand the point of them.  If you are truly open about being open then I don't understand the problem with seeing the others "other".  Yes,  I do realize the double standard that comes with males but it still doesn't make since for either if you aren't all in.

CaliGirlED said...

1) Kendrick and I have been together for three years, it's been a great relationship and I hope we get married someday.

2) (Let's just say we've worked very hard to be together and stay together)

3) But he explained that he was really saying this for me.

4) but really, truly I believed
that he was not looking for a Get Out Of Jail Free Card and thought a
more open relationship would keep us from stressing out about what the
other was doing. A year is a long time.

5) So I agreed.

Janae, it's time to re-evaluate: Who are you? What do you want and need in a relationship? Who is Kendrick? Can he and WILL he give you what you want and need?

IMO, from what you've said, and more importantly what you haven't said, it seems as though maybe YOU have been the one making this a "great relationship" and Kendrick has been enjoying the fruits of YOUR labor. Just a thought.

Rule of thumb: No man is EVER ok with his woman stirring cocoa with another man, sans the ones that are truly perverted and enjoy it so long as they are watching it!

TrulyPC said...

 "She's gotta find a way to talk to him."

Really?  I don't know.  I think once he has licked his wounds enough and he decides to call then maybe they will be able to talk.  But before he has resolved his problems with what happened then he probably won't be willing to listen.

Sasha Iman said...

Two things....
 1. That open relationship nonsense was him signing up for pu**y ensurance. No, not insurance... ensurance... think on it.2. You know what was running through Vaughn's head while you were skyping Kendrick? You know what Kendrick (b)just knows(b) Vaughn was thinking? "Hahaha, I smashed your woman of 3 years AND I'm up in yo' crib, eating yo' food while she's playing you like some fool on skype.... (i)(b)but you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend(i)(b)... And guess what? When your little call is over, I'm gonna hit that again.... ON YO' BED NICCA!!!... 'EFF YO' COUCH!!"Finish Him! Fatality! 

TrulyPC said...

"Rule of thumb: No man is EVER ok with his woman stirring cocoa with
another man, sans the ones that are truly perverted and enjoy it so long
as they are watching it!"

This is the truth!

blackprofessor said...

You never dangle your daisy in front of your rose, dig? - This is everything! The main piece is never supposed to know about the side piece. Never. Ever. Ever. 

Chele pretty much covered all the bases.  If I were you, I would have a long talk with myself 1) to find out what I really wanted to do. Is the relationship worth salvaging or not? If not, cut your losses and move on but learn your lessons.  If it is worth saving, then 2) have a long talk with Kendrick to see if he is willing to have the type of relationship that you want. 

GuessImJay said...

I don't know what sort of romanticized view people have of open relationships but it really means that those in the relationship get to see others outside of the relationship without losing the ones already in the relationship. *re-reads, yep that's what I meant*

If that wasn't Kendrick's intent then he should not be throwing random words like "open" around freely. And his timing was mad suspect. The last thing you tell someone before an 18 hour fight is hey, let's smash other people and still do our thing? Really?

But Ms. Janae, Vaughn in the background? You sure that wasn't a little bit "see what you made me do"?

If your relationship is all that you say it is, it will survive this. It will never be the same but from the sounds of it, that may not be a bad thing.

tishatweets said...

Well dang.

Okay, first things first. You haaaad to know that that free pass he bought was for his exclusive use. You, in his mind, were to be faithful, forever and ever amen. You gotta know that. I imagine *some* of this *may* have been avoided by asking some carefully constructed clarifying questions before you left, such as "Have you taken leave of your senses, Negro?" If indeed you really were not with this arrangement. You coulda done that.

But. You didn't. And so here we are. 

I guess this is just...so off-putting to me because for me, at this stage of my life, there's no in between. Either we are exclusive, and this fantastic cocoa (and the nine million other great things about me) is for your pleasure only--or, we are dating, and your rights to ask questions about what I'm doing/who I'm hanging with when I'm not with you are very limited. No gray. No problem.

However, while I'm dating/getting to know other men, I'm also going to be respectful about it. To each of them.  Even if you and he had actually "downgraded" to a dating relationship, it's just not wise, cool, or respectful to have some still warm cocoa padding through the house while you're Skyping the one you really wanna be with. You couldn't have waited 10 minutes until he left? That's just......yeah, no.

I think the bottom line here is clarity. Everything in the world can't be gray. Especially matters of the heart. 

lessie brown said...

I think going too far into open relationship stuff would take the spotlight away from Janae, but until you've read more about them, or talked to people who've been or are in them, it's a difficult concept to explain. I've been a primary partner and a side partner in different relationships. My level of trust in the partner I'm seeing has determined how comfortable I am with the other partner(s). These things are all about expectations and honesty. Certainly, as someone else also noted, for Kendrick to have this talk at the airport was hugely problematic. It's not an arrangement to walk into without a lot of thought and consideration.

Sasha in Stilettos said...

I've been in open relationships. Open means just that. No finger pointing no "who the hell is that" it's you do you, I'll do me and when we're together it's a we. Either Kendrick didn't understand that or thought it was a one way street, I don't know. You can't just change up the entire context of a relationship as you toss luggage out of the trunk. If this is something you all had never discussed before, ti needed far more definition and boundaries than either of you gave it.

Based on these paragraphs I not getting the warm fuzzy about you and your man but good luck!

maureen said...

Janae, I can't top  OneChele. These things (open relationship/relationships ) are not complicated until they are  complicated. Something tells me you should let Kendrick go and cut your losses.

Sol_dier said...

Things always sound plausible in theory. It's the practise which makes it hard.

I 'had' a friend with a very successful open marriage, they each agreed to be able to vet and veto any other lovers and such. Not my thing, but it seemed to work really well for them. 

CaliGirlED said...

"The last thing you tell someone before an 18 hour fight is hey, let's smash other people and still do our thing? Really?" <----THIS!!!...He left no room/time for discussion! On purpose, believe that!

M Dot said...

Usually I would stick up for the homies...but I'm learning that support  stops at the BnB bros because summa y'all out here have NO sense whatsoever. just thought I'd add this:

To Mr "I want an open relationship" even though your girl probably spent A GRIP OF MONEY on that intercontinental airfare just to see you and ...let me stop.... no love for you man
 
Ol' boy Vaughn:  he didn't leave like she said.  He just parlayed in the media room while she finished up on Skype...wearing the robe you left there.

*cues Johnny Taylor - Who's Makin' Love*  Dummy

*drops mic ala Randy Watson*

CaliGirlED said...

*drops a c-note in the collection plate*

SingLikeSassy said...

"Hahaha, I smashed your woman of 3 years AND I'm up in yo' crib, eating
yo' food, while she's playing you like some fool on skype.... but you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend... And guess what? When your little call is over, I'm gonna hit that again.... ON YO' BED NICCA!!!... 'EFF YO' COUCH!!"

ALLLLLLLL this right here. What the what?!

JohnKinPDX said...

I'm not expert but the thing about relationships is that they generally work best if both parties are on the same page at the same time. Or at least like the book they're in. At the very least agree on the same book. I suspect Janae and Kendrick are in two different books altogether.

To me, there's nothing for her to do but wait for him to reach out. Right now this is his problem. She played by his rules (albeit in a tacky way) so she owes him no explanation. He owes her one. I'd be curious to hear how this turns out down the road.

OSHH said...

I say keep it moving, cut your losses and be glad you saw the real him. People act like not having sex will kill them, or they cannot control themselves for 365 days. A year imo is not that long and if Kendrick was serious about his love for J, he'd make the sacrifice.  But that isn't what ol boy did, instead at the airport he basically said he is going to screw other women and then when he returns wants everything to be sweet. Dude is cray and J is too if she goes along with that ish!!!

Jubi The Great said...

Yall pretty much covered everything that I had to say. Overall I think it was handled worse by Kendrick - from announcing the open relationship idea right before Janae hopped ona flight, to then being upset when she used the pass he gave her. At the same time, Janae could have handled it better by keeping the new guy under wraps. I'm curious as well as to whether or not there was a discussion of her coming with him or not.

CaliGirlED said...

Let's take a moment to recognize Kendrick in all of his Playarificness!

1) He had no intention of it being ok for Janae to sleep with other men.
2) He wasn't shocked that she did it, but mad that she disrespected the game and "dangled her daisy in front of her rose".
3) He let his anger be known to leave her "I'm confused - he's the one who said it was okay to be with other people?", thereby questioning, "I didn't do anything wrong? What should I do now?, and therefore feeling guilty.
4) Kendrick will "forgive" Janae, mend the relationship, Janae will never do that again, and Kendrick will continue smashing and stirring at will.

SingLikeSassy said...

Janae: You wrote this letter for our entertainment didn't you, cause you know good and gotDOGGONE well all that is wrong here. If what happened in Africa stayed in Africa, then what happened at home shoulda stayed under wraps, too, IMO. That whole walking in the background while you're skyping your man thing was some ol' salt in the game dickery.

But, whatever, it's done now. I don't know what to tell you. Are you prepared to be alone? Cause Kendrick may not come back to you. And you have to know Vaughn is just getting it in. Was the booty good?

I would love to hear Kendrick's side of the story.

Lady Ngo said...

she was not refreshingly honest at all. She sat there and said he was just a friend and then after boo-thang got super pissed she admitted she slept with him "just that one time" which probably aint even the truth unless the one time was right before she got on Skype that night.

JohnKinTX said...

One more thought - Kendrick likes to play games. If Janae does not, this is her out.

FreeBlackMan said...

Wayment, wayment, wayment.
Ol' boy say - smash who you like and you did and now he mad?
That is whackness. To the nth degree.
Both ya'll need to move on.
Let me dap up Vaughn doe. Playa, playa. Who thinks he strutted past the monitor with the d! swangin'?

Lady Ngo said...

Ugh "Africa" unless he's touring all 50+ countries, why couldn't we just say where the hell he was?!? That ish really grinds my Nigerian gears.

Anywayz, the whole point of this trans-atlantic open relationship is that the dirt is not done in each other's faces. HELLO. You don't just have random penis swanging around in the background like that lol. If nothing else, thats just a respect thing. Im sure that dude had a butt naked chick laying on the bed in the background of the Skype call this would be an entirely different email.

Either way,  he's the one who wanted the open relationship, whether it was for his own gains or if he truly wanted you to be free to move about the country too. So if he can't handle it, either ya'll re-negotiate or go on bout your business.

Chance said...

"Finish Him! Fatality!"
Gotta love your Moral Combat reference.

M Dot said...

Just sayin' ...

CaliGirlED said...

Uh huh!

Nicole said...

Ol Boy Kendrick didn't realize what's good for the goose is good for the gander. That was kinds of rachet, Kendrick for having one set of relationship standards for you and one for your er, lady. Men, let that be a lesson, the ol' double standard ain't gon fly in 2012 and you will find yourself played....

CaliGirlED said...

Agree!

"I would love to hear Kendrick's side of the story."...It's in the Player Handbook!

CaliGirlED said...

Naw he didn't because then Janae would not have been able to attempt the "he's just a friend" line. But Vaughn for sure made his cameo willfully and intentionally! Like the folks in the background of a news story, stopping and smiling at the camera! LOL

ClayJones said...

Rule #1 of GrownManNess - Do. NOT. Bluff. if you aren't prepared to lose.
Rule #1 of GrownRelationshipNess - Don't say it's okay if it ain't.
Rule #1 of GrownUpNess -  Always treat others with dignity respect.
Rule #1 of GrownNSexyNess - Don't dangle your daisy in front of your rose.
You both are losing.
Here endeth the lesson.

Troy said...

#TeamVaughn

tishatweets said...

*yells out "SEXUAL CHOCOLATE" and stomps foot all random like*

taut_7 said...

1. son shouldn't have suggested an open relationship if he wasn't ready to deal the fact his women might be having sex with someone else.

2. she shouldn't have been skyping her dude with another guy in the house. that's just wrong. open relationship or not. have some respect. that might have been what dude was mad about in the first place. maybe he was acting under the rule of don't ask, don't tell. she left him no choice when she had dude there while he was on skype.

Pure Choco said...

Janae - I'm confused. If you really thought that you and Kendrick were heading towards marriage - what were you doing with Vaughn?

O__o I'll wait...

BklynBajan said...

As she agreed to the terms of HIS proposal then its not for me to judge.

I'm not mad at her. If it was all that serious then she would be there with him. You either committed or you're not. After three years (for me) I'd have to decide if we are a unit and if this opportunity is a not miss for him then we'd be rolling to Africa together.

Dear Janae,

Please don't defend Kendrick's proposal or take on any guilt over following it through. Ya'll said what happens happens and you went for yours. Don't backpedal now and say you said ok but you didn't really think he would do it. You sound like that chick in Eddie Murphy's skit - walked IN on the man and believing the I effed her but I make lurve to you jedi mind trick... Kendrick put the arrangement out there because he wanted an out. If he meant for only himself then he should have said that period. Don't give him any excuse to rebound this off on you as if YOU are untrustworthy. He's mad because he hasn't met any prospects and/or he always suspected that your friend Vaughn was itching for an opening to get in and Kendrick basically handed it to him. Now Vaughn has a year to wine and dine you into a full on relationship without any pressure but to be there for you.

Eff Kendrick and his temper tantrum. Stop reaching out to him. Let him wonder where you at and what you're doing. Let him figure out if you are worth the effort to approach you like a mature man approaches the woman he intends to be committed to for life or if its time to let this relationship go.  You don't need to apologize for isht. Send him a care package with some condoms and do you.

Mad for ya. Keep your head up.

tishatweets said...

Yeah chile. Ole Kenny-Ken-Ken ran a smooth Jedi mind trick on Ms. Janae, hunTy! And I'd be hard pressed to believe it's the first time he's run one. That's why, in a situation that would have made MOST of us tell the pilot "Hole up!" and turn around and tell Kendrick "Wait say what now?" not only did she get on the plane but she got ON the plane having been fully convinced by this cat that his silly-behind proposition was for HER!!!

*round of applause*
*standing ovation*
#noRihanna

JaymeC said...

Janae -
Here's what I see from this brief letter:

Kendrick wanted out. He 1) Went to Africa without you 2) Asked for the open relationship with no time to talk about it. This is the equivalent of your HS boyfriend being mean so that you'll break up with him and he doesn't have to say the hard words.

Janae, you wanted out too or you wouldn't have 1) slept with Vaughn (no one believes it was just the once, doll) and 2) Skyped your man with Vaughn there.

Why don't you both just cut your losses and walk away? If it's meant to be, you can drift back towards each other when you're in the same hemisphere.

BklynBajan said...

I think this relationship is already doomed however I would NOT be surprised if he stayed at the airport after Janae left to pick up his other woman that was coming to visit him. #suspicionbasedontruestory #checkyouramexbillJ

blackprofessor said...

Dead at #checkyouramexbillJ!

blackprofessor said...

I think the bottom line here is clarity. Everything in the world can't be gray. Especially matters of the heart.  - This! But both parties need some, except Vaughn.

Penni Brown said...

She needs to stop trying to reach out to him.  She wasn't wrong. It was definitely insensitive by having Vaughn in the background during a skype session, but they had an agreement. 

So, if she wants to be with him she should just woman up, stop begging him to talk to her again and keep it moving. Right now, boyfriend is getting to pretend to be a victim here and she needs to take that badge from him.  

blackprofessor said...

Who thinks he strutted past the monitor with the d! swangin'? - yall are killing me!!

CaliGirlED said...

Exactly!!!

TrulyPC said...

 "People act like not having sex will kill them, or they cannot control themselves for 365 days."

This. All. Day.

CCDreamz said...

Dear Janae:

Thanks for the giggle girl. Your ex was funny as hell getting mad because you beat him to the punch.  I hope you find true love...elsewhere. Your ex was planning on cheating and he is just mad that you beat him to it. I keep telling guys that the vajajay is always wanted. Now your ex knows it too.  You say you two had to work very hard to make it dating for 3 years. Sweety, to quote Woody Harrelson's character in Wil and Grace: It is not supposed to be this hard.

Live, learn, laugh, and love. Do not wait on dumb dumb. Just heal and move on. PS: It was tacky to have the new dinga floating around while skyping with the old dinga.

JaymeC said...

Valid question!!

bashowell said...

Pretty much agree w/everyone else.  My first thought about Kendrick is that he threw down that "open relationship" mess cuz he already "opened" it.  He was just covering his arse.  And as far as you and Vaughn...come on now...Skype ain't a surprise...

Diana said...

Married to a military man, we've been apart for 15 months with another three weeks until his leave. It's not easy but it's not impossible. If you believe in the relationship and feel someone is worth the wait - you'll wait.

OneChele said...

Kinda love this.

Paul on Ice said...

Dexter St. Jacque!

Paul on Ice said...

"salt in the game dickery" <- t-shirting immediately.

Paul on Ice said...

great analogy

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

This is cynical Leo speaking: In all my times observing relationships, whenever a male* says "Let's have an open relationship/see other people" or even, "I think we should break up, I'm not ready for a full-time commitment yet", it almost always translates to, "I want to sow my wild oats, but I need you to keep yourself on stand-by until I feel the need for you again, ok?".  *side-eye*

I am loling away at Vaughn's innanet debut, though.

*Yes, 'male'. A real man doesn't have the time or the inclination for bullshiggity reindeer games.

tishatweets said...

I suppose my handicap is that I don't comprehend the entire open relationship concept. If it's open...how is it also a relationship (in the classical sense of the term)? Why aren't we (or, "them," 'cause this won't eva eva eva knowingly be me; I'm not built for that) just friends with benefits? Or something along those lines? What sets this situation apart from that?

Paul on Ice said...

#realTalk

Ivory Tabb said...

Janae, grab a seat at let me explain a few things to you


1)     
If you wanted to marry this man and you really
wanted this relationship to work why would you be sleeping, entertaining and
most importantly disrespecting that said man.


2)     
You wanted to get caught because you felt guilty
that you been entertain Vaughn, yes Kendrick said it was okay but did you
really think it was okay for you to do it, then flaunt your conquest in his
face?


3)     
As soon as he told you this was an open
relationship for “you “ when you were about to get on the plane you should have
said  “NO Sir” I want you and I’m willing
to wait just like I feel you should do. A year is not that long, I plan to come
visit again and with all the technology im sure we will be fine.


4)     
Instead of entertaining Vaughn you could have
been getting a part time job to get extra money  to buy another plane ticket to Africa to see
the man you claim to want to marry since you have so much free time on your
hand.


Unfortunately when you agreed to this shebacle and then throw
all respect for him out the window, you get what you deserve- a mad man in Africa
that you are waiting on to answer you. Trust me he will take his time getting
back to you and all you have is Vaughn to keep you warm. I hope he is a good
replacement.


BTW Vaughn needs a high heel in his A** he thinks he slick
but I ain’t mad at him. Just like dudes needs to keep their side pieces in line
chicks should to!

mlisaac said...

 Yes! Selfishness and immaturity at its "finest"!

tishatweets said...

I'm inclined to agree. I don't even think he's hurt, really. Just mad that she had the sheer, unmitigated gall to allow some other man to run all up in "his stuff."  To bolster my argument, I point out for the masses Exhibit A--they've been together 3 years and she's hoping they'll get married. Meanwhile, he wants the freedom to hit other chicks because "Baby, I love you....but a year is a long time." Heck outta here.

Jason P said...

Janae - Kendrick ain't calling you back because he's busy doing somebody else. You fell right into his trap. Crawl out, let Vaughn kiss you to make it feel better and keep it moving.

tishatweets said...

Exhibit B! My Exhibit A is a bit down the page, but gotdog it THIS is Exhibit B all DAY! LOL!!

Javalicious said...

This is it right here.

tishatweets said...

I just don't know why she would even WANT Kendrick back. She wants to get married (though she's sexing the next dude so....I suppose that's up for debate, but we'll use what she told us, LOL) and he wants to have sex with other women. That right there is incongruent like a mug.

tishatweets said...

"People act like not having sex will kill them, or they cannot control themselves for 365 days."

Please get that said! This man showed her, and in no small fashion, where he really stands with her. I just hope she takes heed and doesn't devote another three years to trying to change his mind.

CaliGirlED said...

On this very rare occasion, Dr. Jayme I am going to slightly disagree with you. And I say only slightly because I think Kendrick wanted in AND out. He wanted "in" the relationship "yet" out of the commitment, but still wanted Janae to be all in.

CaliGirlED said...

THIS^^!!!

DesertBlack said...

Right!!!

GrownAzzMan said...

I think that they are both confused. Kendrick should not have suggested openness if he didn't mean it. If he thought he could have it as a one-way double standard, c'mon son! I will say this though Chele, you were right to tell her that she didn't need to have her sidepiece all up on skype whilst talking to her real man. WDDDA? There are rules to this stuff or at least there used to be. 

blackprofessor said...

I am with you Caligirl but I will take it a step further.  I think they both wanted in/out because Janae got her a boo thang with the quickness.  I hope they get back together so two less screwed up people are in the dating world.
#teamgetallunfitpeopletogether

GrownAzzMan said...

"
Rule of thumb: No man is EVER ok with his woman stirring cocoa with another man, sans the ones that are truly perverted and enjoy it so long as they are watching it!"

Thus endeth the lesson

GrownAzzMan said...

And what he knows about what Vaughn was thinking is the entire issue. That and the fact that she will never look the same in his eyes. But at least she got some side cocoa...

Props for the 31 flavors of insulting and disrespectful.

GrownAzzMan said...

"But Ms. Janae, Vaughn in the background? You sure that wasn't a little bit "see what you made me do"?"

Nodding...

GrownAzzMan said...

"
That whole walking in the background while you're skyping your man thing was some ol' salt in the game dickery."

Yup!

CaliGirlED said...

"incongruent like a mug."

Three year relationship I wanna get married move to Africa open relationship ok I'll play skyping after sexing mad you played my game cameo appearances what do I do now not answering your calls. Yep incongruent! Nunna dat ish go together!!!

GrownAzzMan said...

Props for the Eddie reference...

maureen said...

But why am I stuck at  this book "Ethical Slut?"

CaliGirlED said...

Yeah GAM it seems as though the Side Piece Rules have changed, and not for the better! Not that it was ever good...

maureen said...

Have always wondered about this---->"just friends with benefits? Or something along those lines? What sets this situation apart from that?"

motown_skater said...

I hope they get back together so two less screwed up people are in the dating world.
#teamgetallunfitpeopletogether <<~~~~ lmao ...hilarious!!

NY2VA said...

*taps mic*

They are both too damn old to be playing these bald-headed games.*drop mic*

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

^ This.

I'm getting my giggle on, though. Go 'head, judge me.

MsJamie14 said...

My "Mmfoofoo" (Umfufu? however it's spelled, lol) reference is also from Eddie, only real G's would have gotten that one tho. ;-)

Angel Blanca said...

I had trouble connecting earlier, but here's what I wrote:



Um, perhaps you both should have had a talk *before* he & you went to
Africa, as it couldn't have been a spur of the moment thing (immunizations,
packing, flights, etc.), or wasn't it going to be a solo expedition and you
bailed?



You say you all worked very hard to stay together, so, what did you learn
during those times? I'm willing to bet clues about how to deal with this are
laced throughout previous situations. The key, now, is to figure out what you
want, as you still have nearly 10 months before his return.



Is Vaughn filler, is he next, or are you about to hop on a plane? BTW, when
I Skype, I do so alone, or I don't answer a session. That you were not alone
seems a bit passive aggressive.



As for dude on the Continent, if you all live together, eventually he'll
have to come back and reclaim his items, if any, and sever any financial
obligations, right? So, you'll at least have an opportunity to clear the air
then.



In the meantime, look within to answer the
questions asked. If you ask outside of you, you'll be doing what you think
others expect, which may not be true to you. Find out if you're upset by the
potential loss of the relationship, or by the 3+ years you spent waging war to
even be in it.

Angel Blanca said...

Thanks for the book info.  I think I'll check it out!  BTW, sorry to hear about the break-up. Be well!

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

I'm tardy to the party, but here is my $0.02.

Rookie move having the new thang over when skyping the boo thang. First, you assumed that Kendrick was above-board in wanting an open relationship - he was not. He wanted a get out of jail free card and wanted you to cosign shiggity before it happened.  You also assumed that men have the capability to be objective and see that what is good for the goose is good for the gander.  They don't.  Men act as if access to your secret garden is a lifetime membership kind of thing, and they are special snowflakes who should never ever be faced with the evidence that someone else is the chosen one.  Something to do with their delicate constitutions. 

Anywho, dude was probably hoping to slowly pull away, since he didn't have the testicular fortitude to end it when he went away, and got pissed that you played a trump card on him and wasn't sitting alone at home mourning his absence.

 Kendrick is not about being a decent human being, so I would do as 'Chele says and call him out and move on.

BklynBajan said...

If he wanted to marry her why would he put the option out there? Why would he go to Africa if she wasn't willing to stay with him?  Everyone acts as if being celibate is a noble thing - it sucks when you're single and it worse when you're in a relationship. Its one thing if he's out there saving the world and isht happens but ole boy tried to play a Jedi mind trick and his "not for me but you babe" gesture bit him in the arse - boo hoo for him. Janae doen't have to sit anywhere (except perhaps for not explaining to V what his role was).

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions but I can't cosign all these women getting on Janae because "she should have know this was some sort of test". Grown people don't play tests. Kendrick bluffed and she called. Kendrick is the disrespectful one in this scenario. I seriously doubt he waited for this incident to test the waters over yonder.  If she confines herself to dusty nights she will be ready to kill him when Kendrick returns to the States with some straight from Africa penicilian resistant STD. He mad that his attempt of being a playa didn't work. Oh well. If Kendrick wants to stew let him. Mess around she may have a ring and real committment from someone else by the time he returns.

OwenCinDallas said...

Am I the only one wondering what the past three years have been about?  This is some new relationship growing pain nonsense right here. Three years in you should know what you got.

AnnettePearl said...

That disclaimer gives me life.
Side-eye to the rest of this.

lessie brown said...

LOL :) It's a good book. I use the relationship principles I learned from it (open communication, listening, etc.) with all my relationships now--my kids, my friends, etc. Just give it a read. It won't change your mind if you don't want it to ;)

lessie brown said...

Eeep! I feel like I might be making this about me. And that's not what this post is for.

That said, open relationships vary from relationship to relationship. That's why I tossed out the book recommendation. Something that I personally believe is that you can love more than one person at a time. I've had people tell me, "You just don't know what you really want." But it isn't that. There are people in my life whom I'll always love, always be attracted to. For me, open relationships are about acknowledging this in oneself (if it applies to you) and being willing to honor that in someone else (if it applies to your partner). For other open relationships I've been familiar with, there have definitely been some friends with benefits arrangements. Anyway, since I'm plugging anyway, I'll put in another plug for "Sex at Dawn". Read that one and "Ethical Slut" and then we can have a book club meeting or something ;)

C Nelson said...

In a word? Commitment. The long-term polyfolks I know have marriages and are happily raising (or have raised) children together. It's not friends with benefits, it's jobs and chores and co-parenting and insurance and car troubles and sickness and health and ohyeah, this is my date night with Steve so you've got the kids for dinner, or this is your evening with Lisa, so Steve and I will take kids and dogs out to the park so you can have some alone time. When it works, it's not a Y or two couples, it's more of a star configuration, where everyone knows and likes and interacts with everyone else.

mojitochica said...

1. Unless you're in high school three years is too long to be dating if you want to get married.  It shouldn't take that long for two people to decide they want to get married.
2. Kendrick is wrong.  Don't write a check your ego can't cash. Janae is only wrong for flaunting the side piece. That was straight is foul.
3. On "temporarily open relationships" I. DO. NOT. SHARE.  It might work for some people though, and more power to them.
4. No long is too long to expect faithfulness.  If you can't do faithfulness, be honest and break up if an open relationship is not an option.

Janae, just walk away.  Kenny is not the one for you.  Find yourself a new place.  I hope the lease is in his name, but if it isn't pack his shiggity up, drop it off at one of his relative's residents, and change the locks.

lessie brown said...

Thanks for this :)

Sol_dier said...

here's 20quid *please convert and add the change to the offering plate*
#preace #truth

Sol_dier said...

Out the park!! 

nice avatar by the way :-)

Sol_dier said...

#checkyouramexbillJ !!! What the what? lol

CaliGirlED said...

Sounds like it's taking "It takes a village" to a whole other level. *shrugs*

BklynBajan said...

I wish I could share these stories. I can't even merge to create a fictional tale because they are so unbelievable (yet true) and in this world of seven degrees its likely someone will recognize the players.  Just trust me when I say AMEX (like Maury) provided proof that was there all along had either paid attention to the details of that monthly bill. You can ignore pebbles dropping on your head & red flags galore but an uncontested AMEX bill (or printout of months of charges) speaks volumes.

CaliGirlED said...

Nope! My take on it is that she's been the one holding it together. If Janae would do some "hind-sighting" she will probably see that this is not really too far off from things he's done before. It may be the grand poobah of his shenanigans, but in line with them.

CaliGirlED said...

Yes Annette!!! I laughed when I first read it, but then forgot about it when I read that foolishness.

GammasWorld said...

1.   Kendrick wrote a check his ego couldn't cash. 
2.  Vaughn ain't slick ... he totally wanted Kendrick to know he was there.  
3.  Janae should never have answered the Skype with Vaughn there.  Even if it was totally agreed to no body wants it flaunted on their laptop screen.   
4.  Any hopes I would have had of marriage would have gone out the window with the "suggestion" of an open relationship.  We obviously weren't on the same planet for him to even bring it up -- unless swinging was an every other weekend thing with us anyway.  

This is just mess all the way round.   At 27, I would have been agonizing just like Janae.  At 50, I can say this had "we not in the same place" all over it.  This "I smash, you smash while I'm gone" conversation should have been held long before Kendrick was packing his bags.  

mutemia said...

Woow.  I agree with Chele on this one completely. Sorry, but when he said open relationship it was for him and him alone. Honestly, I probably would have been done with him after he said that. If I travel to another continent to be with you, and you drop that kind of bomb on the night before I leave we have huge problem. 
I don't think ole boy is just mad because you were with Vaughn, it probably pisses him off more that you beat him to it and you weren't twiddling your thumbs waiting for him to come home.
Also Vaughn just happen to be there or was there a little bit of " I got mine too, if we're going to play it  like that". In short, Kendrick is rachet as hell,  you were being passive aggressive and Vaughn needs to leave before he gets dragged  into you all's mess.

Chocl8t said...

SMH....Janae is playing the wounded confused victim here but I'm not buying it. NOT. AT. ALL. She wanted Kendrick to know about her sexcapades with Vaughn because she was hurt at Kendrick suggestion of an "open" relationship. A classic case of passive aggressive behavior if I ever saw it. Kendrick didn't respond the way she'd "hoped", (i.e. professing his love and revoking the "open" pass). She played herself. She played Kendrick, quite well and beating him at his own game. I say own up to your mess Janae. Chalk this one up to the game and keep it moving. Hopefully, you'll learn the lesson and grow from it.

Ivory Tabb said...

Unfortunately the only part of his story we got is him saying that he wanted an open relationship. She started her letter off saying she wanted to marry him. Her actions dont match her words. she should have never agreed to this mess in the first place if thats what she really wanted. I would rather have not stirred the cocoa for a whole year and been able to honestly look my future husband in the face and say that, then be worried that he never is going to speak to me again cause i got some on the side then threw it up in his face.

GrownAzzMan said...

I got it... "I want HALF Eddie!"...LOL

GrownAzzMan said...

Imma need somebody to forward me an updated copy of the SidePiece Rules. Mine has obviously expired...

C Nelson said...

Something like that. But you know what? It works for them. Wouldn't work for me, but they're happy. God knows, when I was at home with three kids aged four, two, and almost one, two more pairs of willing hands to trade off chores and babysitting and errands would have seemed like a bargain, and with some of that load lightened, I might even have wanted the extra cocoa.  ;) They're families. Differently configured than mine, sure, but just families.

sherants said...

To add to what Lessie is saying - not that I've tried having an "open relationship" but I always wonder why we are so afraid to do it (including myself).  What sets a "relationship (defined in the classical sense)" apart from a friendship?  Sex, right?  And honestly most "relationships" aren't even true friendships.  Exhibit A -- Kendric and Janie.  "Relationships" are based on all these rules - rules about controlling what the other person does.  Why do we want to control what the other person does - controlling who they can look at or have sex with or what time they need to be home or who they should be friends with etc?  It's so exhausting keeping up with all these rules.  You don't have that in true friendships.  True friendships are freeing - there's mutual understanding, respect and love.  No rules really.  You don't need rules if the feeling is mutual, which is how I would define a true friendship.  I feel that if you had a true friendship with someone then you can have an "open sexual relationship" with that person very easily.  You don't need to control for fear of losing that person - you trust that they want to be there as much as you do.  You're confident in their love and you set them free.  Maybe it will work, maybe it won't.  But you're taking the same gamble in a "relationship" aren't you?  So what's the difference, really?  I think we're so afraid to have open relationships because we're insecure and we want certainty.  There is no certainty in life, though.  So maybe we're deluding ourselves in these so-called "relationships."  Maybe that's why we're banging our heads against the wall all the time.

superwoman said...

late in the day, but i SO feel you on this!!  Africa is BIG, ok? Is it Botswana or Benin? Mozambique or Mali? Angola or Algeria???  Nigeria or Namibia?? Damnit!! 

lessie brown said...

You've definitely outlined the logic between open relationships and one of the main points: You take risks even in monogamous relationships. Open relationships still require boundaries and commitment, but they're based on truly trusting that your partner(s) wants to be there and so will continue to be there even if their love extends to someone else.

Anthony Jones said...

Lmao @  the "here's some rope, now hang yourself" relationship sabotage.  Dude might've been looking for an excuse to end the relationship and set her up to give him one. 

Londa said...

I am really late to the party. I honestly got a huge chuckle out of this, and for that, I am sorry because I know girlfriend is hurting and confused. However, am I the only bougie chick (Sorry, I haven't read all of the comments) who thought of Ross and Rachel from "Friends"? When Rachel found out that Ross slept with someone else she was livid and broke off their relationship, yet again. 

His bewildered response: "But, we were on a break!!!!!"

I envision Janae exclaiming that to Kendrick. 

Chele's right, though. Kendrick only meant the open relationship for himself; not for her.

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