Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Ask a Bougie Chick - Is this love?



We have reached post number nine hundred (900!!!) on BnB. *throws confetti* In celebration, let's read the first Ask a Bougie Chick letter of the year...

Cue Bob Marley's epic Is This Love? for this one. We've got a 30-year old gentleman in Tracy, CA (eastern suburb of the San Fran Bay Area) who wants our opinion. Without further ado, Rodney's letter:
Love the blog! Found it from Three Ways to Take It and lurk regularly. I just turned 30 and I've been dating a woman (Tonia) exclusively for a little over a year now. We get along well, have a great time together. She's easy to be with and she gets me. We laugh a lot, spend most of our free time together. Over the holidays we met each other's families and that went well. 
At this point you are probably wondering why I'm writing to you since it's all good. Well I'm curious to hear your thoughts about something. 
From around the third month that we were together, Tonia started telling me that she loved me. I told her I wasn't there yet and she said she would rather I didn't say it if I wasn't sure I meant it. Now here we are over half a year later and I still haven't said it. I don't know if I feel it. I'm not sure I would mean it. I like her a lot and I don't want to lose her but is that love? 
Basically Chele & Bougieland, how do I know?
-Rodney
Hi Rodney! I have to admit my first thought was to send you a side-eye for the ages. But then when I thought about it... if you don't know, why not ask? Better that than to say it and not mean it. It's actually an excellent question. How do you know if you're just really comfortable with her and don't want to lose that or if it's love? 

Let me give my shoe analogy first. I have shoes that are comfortable and shoes that I love whether they are comfortable or not. Like I would cry if I didn't have that shoe. I will wear that shoe until it falls off my foot, that's how much I love it. No? Not a good analogy? Don't understand what it is with women and shoes? Okay then. How about this:

Do you not want to lose her because you don't want to be alone or because you would actually miss having her in your life? Fast forward your life six months, two years, ten years ahead - do you see her by your side? What were you thinking when you took her home to meet your family? Do you feel your life is enhanced with her in it? Marinate on these things and I bet the answer will come to you.

BougieLand, what say you? How's Rodney to know if Tonia's Mrs. Right or Mrs. Right Now? How do you differentiate between love and comfort/convenience? Do share...

94 comments:

chunk said...

I wanted to say something grand... something wise... but really all that keeps going through my head is:
"If you don't know, you probably don't."

Samuel F. Reynolds said...

Interesting question and interesting answers.  I would like to add

taut_7 said...

this is actually a lot more complicated than it seems, at least from my point of view. i can't give one feeling or thought that i can have to make me know that i'm in love with a woman. i just know. sometimes I'm wrong. i've told 4 women in my life that i loved them. looking back i probably shouldn't have told two of those women that. at the time i thought i was in love so i just fooled myself into actually believing it. there is a major difference between loving someone and being in love with them.

Jennifer said...

I think it's a valid question... but frustrating to read lol.  After a year of dating, one would think dude would know if he were in love.  But I admit it is easy to get COMFORT confused with LOVE.  She is easy to get along with, no major speedbumps in the way, that's great companionship or friendship or FWB frankly.   But if he feels no passion or feeling like something would be missing from your life/heart if she were gone, that's a whole 'nother thing.  I would ask him, "when you see her after a day+ apart, do your eyes light up?  If you didn't hear from her for a few days, would you miss her presence?"

Sol_dier said...

Rodney, what is love to you?.
Could you describe it, how it makes you feel, how it would make you act?, how do you visualise it?

- I ask because there was a time when I thought love had to be tortured, something to fight for some great tragedy we would both overcome in order to be together (Disney influence)
 - There was a time I thought love meant we like the same things e.t.c. 

Sometimes, we retain an old idea of what 'Love is'. Check yourself, write it down if you must. What do you think love would feel like to you?. Take out any outdated, childhood fantasies.. It might help to clarify things for you

blackprofessor said...

Hey Rodney!
I think Chele and the other commentators have given you some food for thought.  Here's my 2 cents. Do you like Tonia as a person?  Do you respect her? Is Tonia someone you would be really good friends with if you weren't dating her? Think about those questions and be real with yourself.

I learned (the hard way) that I can't love someone that I don't like or respect, suggesting that other things might be clouding my vision.  The good relationships I have been in involved me liking and loving the person because we were friends as well as lovers. 

sherants said...

Lat year I stumbled upon this book - "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck.  And in it, for the first time, I found a definition of love that actually made sense to me so I'll share that with you Rodney:

Love is not a feeling.  Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.  Love is as love does.  Love is an act of will-namely, both an intention and an action.  Will also implies choice.  We do not have to love.  We choose to love.  If an act is not one of work or courage, then it is not an act of love.  There are no exceptions.

CaliGirlED said...

Great question Rodney!!! I'm not 100% in agreement with the phrase, "There's no such thing as a dumb question.", maybe for me it depends on the sincerity of the "asker". This question, to me, is full of sincerity! You REALLY want to know! You feel that the word "love" is not to be played with, and that in itself is great! I also like that Tonia has great understanding of the seriousness of the word, and does not want you tossing it at her like you're playing catch.

Love is a verb, which means action. There are feelings attached to it, but feelings change, fade away and sometimes even deceive. I agree with Soldier, define what love is to you; with Chele, fast forward - do you see her by your side?; with Samuel, does she inspire you to be better (not just for her, but for you); like Taut said, you have to know the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. To me  loving a person means caring about their well being, looking out for them, doing things for them, being able to condemn, construct and console them when needed. Being "in love" are those feelings that I mentioned earlier. But a very important thing for me is "LIKING" the person! Wanting to be around this person, sharing your space and time with them, over looking some pet peeves, discussing the ones that make you want to claw their eyes out.

I think you may be there but are being blocked by fear and uncertainty. Define love, how want you to receive it and how you want to give it, and see if her face would go in the "See picture for description" box.

CaliGirlED said...

This is good!

CaliGirlED said...

Oh and Rodney, while I was a little lengthy in my answer to your question, I too will be tuning in to see what others have to say. I'm always looking to learn and improve, which is one reason why I love this blog, the blogger and the commenters! The other reason? Because I love to laugh, and we have had some entertaining and hilarious moments in BougieLand! HEE-LAR-RIOUS!!!

Sol_dier said...

This book is sitting in my e-library, thanks for the insight. I've just moved it forward

MsJamie14 said...

I've had a lot of great relationships, good chemistry, get along well, easy going times together....

But ultimately, while I was "in love" he  felt "I like her a lot and I don't want to lose her but is that love?". You're not doing either of you a favor by dragging this one out.

When you're in love you'll know it. It will consume you.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Rodney,

Sweetie, I know you don't want to hurt Tonia, but if you aren't sure, you probably aren't.  You guys get along, have no problems, and everything is peachy except she has feelings that don't match yours.  Madame La Bouge and most of the other commenters have given great advice and litmus tests for you to make a final determination.

ClayJones said...

I always feel like I need a little bit more background with these letters. I wonder if Rodney thinks he's been in love before? Did he coming from a home where love was openly expressed? Without knowing these answers, it's entirely possible he's not sure what love feels like.

On the other hand, I'm a believer that once you're in it - you know. It's unmistakable for anything else. It's the reason those songs are sung and books get written. Excuse us for lack of clarity Rodney but it's something you just know.

I think Rodney's in a really good friendship with benefits with someone he respects and cares for. And maybe that's all he's looking for. But something tells me it's not enough for Tonia. It's time for a hard discussion.

thinklikeRiley said...

Yo son,
Love grab ya by da nutz and slam ya to the ground. U ain't felt dat? It ain't love.
Ya welcome,
Riley

Jubi The Great said...

Great comments so far. I agree with Sol_dier - Rodney first needs to determine what he considers love to be, how he defines it. It's possible that he's never truly defined what "love" is for himself, he's been working from a Disney/media driven definition. Perhaps his upbringing or religious ideology shapes how he views "love". Whatever it is, first he needs to decide what loves means to him, what attributes it has, how it manifests, etc. And then from that point he can evaluate whether his relationship with Tonia fits that. Honesty with himself is going to be key here tho. Good luck.

Cassie said...

Sidebar - Does any other female wince reading this and long to go save Tonia for what comes next?

MsJamie14 said...

*raises hand* Been a "Tonia" a time or two myself. She'll be okay once she's free to find the guy who feels the same for her.

TrulyPC said...

Yes, yes and yes.  Rodney doesn't seem like he is intentionally trying to hurt Tonia but a broken heart hurts whether it's intentional or not.

suebhoney said...

I'm on board with Chele's analogy.  IMO if you can't remember what your life was like before this person came into the picture and can't  imagine your life would be like without them around, (and remain sane) then to me it's love if  you can then IMO you're not there yet.   And I would suggest you not telling her until you do.   Because if "that" person actually comes around and ends up not being "her"  (cue the....) "You told me you loved me but you really didn't-you lied, played w/my heart, etc...

TrulyPC said...

Rodney-

Let me give it to you straight.  You should have decided what love means to you before entering into any long term relationship.  She said she loved you at the 3 month mark (plenty of time) for all kinds of sirens to go off in your head.   Dating is fine but long term relationships that coast with no real decision on intent is not a good look.  This is how people get hurt.

When you really love someone that you see a future with there is no mistaking it in my opinion.  It is in your intent and your actions. 

Lady4Real said...

Wise words!!

Rob said...

It's not enough to "not want to lose her" - it's more like if you lost her you would regret it with every fiber of your being. Love is over the top like that. It's not casual. It's not something you have to wonder about. If you have to ask yourself the question, it's not there.

Lady4Real said...

That dang Disney, I'm so glad to know I ain't the only one. Once I chucked deuces to Disney and looked around me;  at my Dad, my brothers, my closest friends and how I express love, then and only then was I able to define and identify love.

Lady4Real said...

So many great comments, such wonderful wise advice. My 2cents is what I tell my younger siblings and friends. When I was younger I was in love with love, Disney had me hooked and I just knew that love came with songs, dances, and happily ever after. Then I grew up, endured a few heart breaks and learned that love was not what good ole Disney depicted, the only one that can define love is ourself. I realized that I have only truly loved one man my entire life and outside of him I love my friends and family and this is what love is to me.
When I am wrong/ he is wrong, love corrects .
When I am hurt/he is hurt,love comforts.
When I am afraid/he is afraid, love is courageous.
When I am at my lowest/he is at his lowest, love lifts up.
Alone, the thought of love fills that void.
When I vision my last breath all I want next to me is love.

When you know what love is for you then you know when you are in love.

Paul on Ice said...

Pump the brakes for a sec. Rodney probably didn't mean for this to go long-term. Would it have been better for him to cut her off at 3 months when she said she loved him or wait to see what happened?

Paul on Ice said...

I've been Rodney - maybe he's not one for all the depth of emotion and shiggity. Maybe this is his version of love. Can't fault him for that.

CaliGirlED said...

LOL!!!

Deb B said...

On the one hand, I commend Rodney for not "faking the funk" as we used to say. On the other hand, a year is long enough to know what you're feeling. Especially at the age of thirty.

Pure Choco said...

*sits and waits for Dr. Jayme to comment*

Violet Rose said...

I'd love a time machine to roll back to the 3 month mark with she said "I love you" and he said "I'm not there yet" - Girl run. If he comes after you, he's in it. If he doesn't, now you know. And what is she waiting for now? Get. Out.

blackprofessor said...

That is a great working definition! I have to get that book.

Sol_dier said...

Ditto. 
BougieLandLessons are the truth. 

Monica said...

Rodney,

I appreciate your not wanting to say the big L word without meaning it. After a year though, Tonia has got to be wondering about the depth of your feelings  even if she hasn't said as much. I knew it was love when I started to genuinely care foe my now husband's welfare and tried to come up with ways to enhance his life.

I knew it was love when that shook up, strung out, just can't get enough feeling had faded and I still wanted him by my side.

I think first you need to figure out what love feels like for you. It's usually described as "falling in love" but in reality it's more like growing in love.

bashowell said...

First, I'm glad you're really questioning how you feel instead of just blurting out an "I love you".  That, to me, would be far worse than someone not returning my feelings.  My first thought is that if you have to ask, then you're not in love.  I'm with the other commenters who said "you just know".  My second thought is to ask could you grow to love her?  Are you there already but haven't admitted it even to yourself? Thinking into the future, does it upset you thinking about her being there?  Would you resent her?

blackprofessor said...

For the first time ever (lol), I have to disagree with you Riley. I have had that feeling before and it was pure lust! He was FINE but it was pure lust with some like sprinkled in.  Not saying yours wasn't love, but those intense feelings can be tricky.

blackprofessor said...

Yes and No. I agree that he isn't on the same page as Tonia and a breakup might be imminent.  Yet, it sounds like Rodney has never really sat down and thought about what love means for him and this experience is forcing him to do it.  This might also force Tonia to do some introspection about her notions of love, all of which isn't a bad thing.   

blackprofessor said...

That is beautiful Lady4Real!

Sol_dier said...

Sadly, slowly raises hand.


 

Sol_dier said...

Yes. 
Its more 'letting her go' than 'cutting her off'. They are not in the same place, she is in love, he is comfortable or doesn't seem to know what love is right now (we don't really have full info so just going by the post)

I'd say this whether its a man or a woman, keeping someone who is in love with you because you are comfortable is common but it is cruel. 
Let that person go, so they can find someone to reciprocate their feelings.

La said...

Generally, I am of the mindset that if you love someone, you know. You might not be comfortable expressing it or dealing with it, but YOU KNOW. My first mind tells me that if you have to ask, you're not. And really you shouldn't feel bad for that. I really respect the fact that you were honest with her about your feelings and not just saying what she wanted to hear.

That being said, I wonder Rodney, what exactly it is that would constitute love to you. I get the impression (I could be wrong) that there is a particular something that love is supposed to "look like" to you, and somehow this is not it, which is what is causing your questions. I gotta tell you though, this sounds alot like stable, healthy love to me. But that's just from a 3 paragraph letter. Chele's advice is sound: examine WHY you don't want to lose her and that should tell you the root of how you feel.

Sol_dier said...

 My 2cents is what I tell my younger siblings and friends. When I was younger I was in love with love
Me too. I'm still learning. now, I let both my head and my heart collide. People might not mean to be cruel, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. 
There is no sin in unrequited love, just don't stick around indulging in it. 

La said...

"It's usually described as "falling in love" but in reality it's more like growing in love."
I LOVE this.

TrulyPC said...

Huh, what?  I does not compute for me when you say a grown man "didn't probably mean for it to go long term".  And yes it would have been better to end it if he had no idea what his intent was towards her after she professed love.   If someone says that they love me and I am not there then I am pumping brakes like Fred Flintstone if I have to. 

La said...

The only reason I didn't wince is because they have both spoken their truths. She loves him. He's not sure. They both were honest. A breakup might come in the future, but at the very least, she said what she felt, was honest about her intentions, and it just didn't work out. Not every I love you is forever.

La said...

*runs to Amazon to get "The Road Less Traveled"*

CaliGirlED said...

True true. But I love the straight no chaser not even in a glass way that he serves up his thoughts! LOL

TrulyPC said...

I don't think anyone is questioning his right to feel "it" the way he feels it.  But he asked the "How Do I Know?" question.  Point blank there is an obvious imbalance of affection and intent after a year.  It is not good on anyone, male or female, to have feelings for someone that are not reciprocated.

CaliGirlED said...

I agree. I'm not a die hard romantic, but how many guys never even take the time to think about what love is to them! I've had it thrown at me like a football (and not even a good spiral), had it said to me (and though they meant it, didn't really know what it meant to them or how to show it). Gotta appreciate that he's taking the time. Now if that time is too long for Tonia, then yes she needs to move on. But like Clay mentioned earlier, without more background there's some unanswered questions.

CaliGirlED said...

"I knew it was love when that shook up, strung out, just can't get enough feeling had faded and I still wanted him by my side."<----THIS!!! You like him huh? LOL

ShawnSoze said...

I'm into the Darius Lovehall school of relationships - Love is urgent like a  m.f. - at least in the beginning. I know people who talk about love growing over time but I always felt that at some point you've got to feel that urgency. Without it, to me - we're just kicking it.

Lady4Real said...

Thank you.

SingLikeSassy said...

You ain't never loved nobody before now? I would think that would be your baseline, not anything we say. What's love for another is dysfunctional for someone else.

Lady4Real said...

"There is no sin in unrequited love, just don't stick around indulging in it. " i need a little clarity, is there towards me or everyone? I don't have an unrequited love, I'm married to the man that I feel is the only man I've ever truly loved and if I never got him back I would be happy knowing that I did love at least once and it was beautiful.

Lady4Real said...

Spoken from the newlywed :0). True true words.

Lady4Real said...

It takes two for a relationship. She is in it too, knowing that he has not said, "I love you." even though she has. She can leave just as well as he can break it off. Everything isn't for everyone and maybe they are happy just the way they are. He cares for her, she knows this and maybe his care if enough for her at this time. Men don't just up and leavbe a good thing while they re trying to figure it out, he feels something, but doesn't seem to know what it is, so he is staying. She is staying too.

michaeldavis said...

with a nod to the brother Shawn below, a fave quote of mine in Love Jones is "falling in love ain't ish....somebody tell me how to stay there"

I'm surprised she hasn't charged you up on the subject (this is rare my brother).  Everybody's different,  but at least you're asking the question instead of it just continuing as is.  

Can you stand to live without her? Do you see yourselves together down the line?  Or are you simply comfortable with things in their current state and never progressing?

Sol_dier said...

I'll re-iterate for clarity I'd say this whether its a man or a woman, keeping someone who is in love with you because you are comfortable is common but it is cruel. 
Maybe a different analogy might clarify where I'm coming from: 
 'Just because someone is okay with being mistreated, it doesn't mean it okay for you to mistreat them'. You have a choice to leave them be.

Mina B. said...

But Tonia also KNEW at the 3 month mark that he wasn't feeling the same and agreed to continue just like him. It can't ALL be in his court to make or break the relationship. A lot of time has passed. Certainly Tonia has noticed he hasn't said anything too! And it sounds like she didn't bring it up again.

In general if two people are in a relationship and one says the L word and the other doesn't- both people need to know (personally) how far they are willing to go before they decide to back away if the feelings aren't mutual.

Sol_dier said...

oh towards everyone..

however, you did just make my point. There's no sin or shame in loving someone who doesn't love you back, you can love transform that love into something else from afar. 
Just don't put your life on hold waiting for reciprocity in someone who hasn't shown it. 
Someone else said it above, Love is an action.

FreeBlackMan said...

I think you're so eager to paint Rodney as the "cruel" bad guy, you aren't taking into account that Tonia is staying. No one is forcing her to. She knows he hasn't declared love and she's still there. If she's good with it, you should be happy for her and keep it moving.

motown_skater said...

Alone, the thought of love fills that void.
When I vision my last breath all I want next to me is love. <<<--- love this!

Monica said...

"Would it have been better for him to cut her off at 3 months when she said she loved him or wait to see what happened?" Since I'm not a believer in dragging things out, it would have been better to end it then or at the very least, not let it go past six months.

Even better would have been for Tonia to be like, "I love you but I gotta go." I can't be with someone who is only lukewarm about me when I'm crazy about them.

Diana said...

I'm not sure how much I can add to the conversation but this quote from Toni Morrison does it for me and is what I carry with me when I evaluate my own romantical situation:  “Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all.”

JaymeC said...

I wish I had time to reach out and chat with these two. It's entirely possible that Rodney is in love and doesn't know how to express it. From the brief overview I have, he's doing love-like things without the declaration. I don't care how ambivalent you are, a 30 year old man rarely stays with a woman for over a year, states that they are exclusive and takes her home to meet his fam unless there's something more than "she's a nice girl that I like" going on.

I could quote a whole bunch of studies and findings and speak love languages to you but I'll just go with three of my favorite by Maya Angelou:



Love liberates!



Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences,
penetrates walls to arrive at it destination full of hope.



When I love somebody, I like him to be around; I like him to
take me out to dinner; I like to look at the sunset with him. But if not, I
love him and I hope he's looking at the same sun I am. Loving someone liberates
the lover as well as the beloved. And that kind of love comes with age.

Andrea M said...

I hear what all ya'll saying and everything but I'm struggling with the Tonia of it all. What advice do we give Tonia? Stay and wait for "the declaration" or bounce on what is otherwise a good relationship?

Mr. Skyywalker said...

If she's happy - leave her be. If she likes it, I love it.

MsJamie14 said...

I don't care how ambivalent you are, a 30 year old man rarely stays with a woman for over a year, states that they are exclusive and takes her home to meet his fam unless there's something more than "she's a nice girl that I like" going on.

I wish that made me feel better. This happened to me, and when the year plus mark hit and the "love" wasn't returned, I left. I hoped he would realize he lost a good thing and try to make amends, but he never did. Not even a #tapback. That sucked.

I simply wasn't the one. I do hope it works out differently for Tonia.

CaliGirlED said...

"Not every I love you is forever."....Daggumit La you better say that!!!

rozboy64 said...

Hey - using my Google to log on in up in here!

I have experienced "love", LOVE, and meh - love. But what is lasting to me is that "long, unmistakeable sigh" love. It comes on easy, but it lasts, it has impact, and it is hot and cool at the same time.

My husband and I didn't get instantly hormonal about each other, although the spark was there. I was gentle with him instinctively, and I never had to force one single thing with him. It is like a blending of two separate and different people that when we are together we make a seamless couple.

Do we tell each other "I love you?" Yes. But we show it so much more often than saying it, and that is the best love for me.

invectiva said...

I'm like Tonia in this. Sir, I don't want to hear it if you don't mean it, I don't want to hear it before you're ready, and I'm cool with the goodness if it *is* good, without a long term plan.

I know I'm different than almost everybody here in that, but Tonia may be comfortable in that place, especially if Rodney is *showing* the love, without saying the word. As CaliGirlED said, love is a verb, and if he's verbing... it's cool. :)

That being said, I also agree with everybody who has said Rodney needs to think about what love is, what it means to him, and how Tonia fits in that framework. Gut-wrenching throw your azz on the ground love may not be for everybody. And as usual, Dr. Jayme has the wisdom.

CaliGirlED said...

"What's love for another is dysfunctional for someone else."...Yes Lawd!!!

CaliGirlED said...

"falling in love ain't ish....somebody tell me how to stay there"...REAL TALK!

CaliGirlED said...

"It's entirely possible that Rodney is in love and doesn't know how to express it."<----YES!!!

Everybody does not know what love looks like or feels like (in the good sense of it). He may have played around with it before, but now wants to really be serious about it.

Love that from Ms. Angelou!

CaliGirlED said...

Without hearing from her, we don't know what to say. But I will say this, I hope she's holding on to the actions he's' showing her, which to her speak love; and that she's not holding on to hope itself. "I love you" is nice to hear, but show me! *shrugs*

CaliGirlED said...

"and if he's verbing... it's cool. :)"...Uh huh

Brenda Kay said...

Being Mature Bougie, I've come to recognize that in my own life I have different degrees of love that I feel. I can "love" the conversations that I have with a particular man, but that doesn't mean I want to be around that man all the time. I can "love" the time I spend with a particular man, but it doesn't necessary mean that I'm "IN" love with that man. And being "IN" love does always equate to me "liking" that man, especially when we're dealing with a difficult issue or situation. But being "IN" love with him means, I will work as hard as possible to get through that issue with a deeper understanding and bond emerging for both of us. 

As for Tonia and Rodney, I think these two need to have that "talk" to openly discuss where both of them are at in this relationship. If Rodney is still questioning whether or not, he loves Tonia, then Tonia deserves to know this so that she can make a decision whether or not, she is willing to stick around any longer waiting on Rodney to figure it all out. 

Jeannette said...

Eh yo Ms. Tonia. Be prepared for the almighty tap back in 2014.  Right now i have no words for ol' boy.

blackprofessor said...

I don't care how ambivalent you are, a 30 year old man rarely stays with
a woman for over a year, states that they are exclusive and takes her
home to meet his fam unless there's something more than "she's a nice
girl that I like" going on. - Jayme

I agree that Rodney might feel more strongly about Tonia than he is aware or willing to admit based on his actions.  However, I think that despite these actions, he might be unwilling to marry her, which is probably what she really wants and needs to know.  I am starting to suspect that Tonia is trying to figure out where this relationship is heading and Rodney isn't sure if he really wants to be with her for the long term.

BrothaTech said...

Without reading any of the previous comments, I say you know you're in love when the person you're with inspires you to be a better person. Not because they say "hey, you should be a better person", but because simply being in their presences makes you want to do more, work harder, aim higher, be better. 

If you're simply comfortable (or the infamous "settling") with someone, that passion to achieve in every aspect of your life won't be there. You will think "hey, they have to get on my level". That mode of thought about your partner typically will leave you with regret for staying.

That one person you love on the other hand, by default, will bring potential out of you that you didn't know was there. 

David Chase said...

All of this.

David Chase said...

My grandfather used to say - Boy, when you find somebody you can sleep with, cry with, laugh with, argue with and want to do it all again the next day - that's real love.

Page Bartlett said...

I'm slain by the shoe analogy. Slain!

Sol_dier said...

erm. no.
You got that, from this: 
Just don't put your life on hold waiting for reciprocity in someone who hasn't shown it. ???

#movingon

Sol_dier said...

bounce. 
Let Rodney play the field or develop a concrete specification for what love is for him. Who knows, they fate might bring them back together (Disney BS lol)And next time, give it a lil more than 3 months before declaring love. #toosoonforme

Sol_dier said...

actually there are also people who are quite happy with unrequited love. 

So, while it wouldn't be something I would do, I can see both sides of the fence. 
Like Mr Skyywalker says, If she likes it #shrugs

Marioned said...

If  they are enjoying each other then what's the rush?  Why after the one year mark does he have to declare his love. Maybe he will fall in love at 13 months or 14 months or 17 months?  Is there a  hard and fast rule that says if you are spending time with someone and things are going well you will fall in love at the one year mark?   THIS is why I think so many women are by themselves,  These arbitrary rules!! How many times has some sorry ass ninja told someone they loved them and treated them like disposable trash?  As my late Dad says belief what people do!  I say they are doing fine.

My advice: Let time take you where you need to be!

GammasWorld said...

My definition of love has been a learning process as I have aged.  At 50, what Tonia and Rodney share sounds heavenly to me.     I personally don't care if I ever "hear" the words again.  I want the actions that go along with it.  The Love Of My Life "told" me he loved me and bout put me in the mental hospital with some Arnold/Maria type ish.   Those 3 words (yeah Stevie they are beautiful) but the actions and behaviors mean soooo much more to me.    I say Rodney shouldn't say it if he doesn't feel it.  We haven't heard from Tonia but I hope she's not judging the relationship on whether Rodney has said those 3 words but rather the behaviors.   Relax young bruh, there is no official timeline IMHO to say those 3 words.  If *both* of y'all are enjoying each other, then relax and enjoy each other.   

In "I'm Catching Hell", Natalie Cole talks about those little things that she misses in the relationship like helping in the yard, painting and repairing and paying the bills.  I hear Ms. Natalie and say a loud *AMEN*.    If I had to choose between Mr. Romantic, rose petals leading to our bed, Cocoa stirring, OMGoodness GamMa, I love you more than I could ever imagine, you complete me, I can't live with without you, God brought us together, I never imagined I'd feel this way about anyone ever, here's 3 dozen roles because I thought of the way you giggled at my silly joke last week" and "I changed the oil in your car", I'm going with the oil change.  

CaliGirlED said...

Preach Gamma!!!

GrownAzzMan said...

Like others have said it's a little like going into the Bentley dealer and looking at the sticker price. If you have to ask...

A Woman's Eyes said...

Hmm, it sounds like she thinks he's her man, and he thinks he's just dating a nice lady whom he likes.

As for how to know if it is love, he will know if she dates other men.

If it really bothers him, then there must be something there more than "I like her".

If he's cool with her dating other men, then he truly simply likes her and she isn't a woman that he loves...and he has to consider if he is okay with being with a woman he simply likes...and wants to explore other women.

I wonder if he is wanting to date other women too. He seems too okay with being with a woman he simply likes, whose company he enjoys who says she loves him, but he isn't feeling it for her. 

A Woman's Eyes said...

I would tell Tonia to bounce. At the 3 month mark she is telling him she loves him. How can she know who he is as a person in 3 months? He isn't feeling the love for her--that speaks volumes--given that as much as we can rationalize that there's different types of love--she isn't doing it for him.

He describes the relationship as if she bores him, even though she's nice, fun to be with, et cetera.

A Woman's Eyes said...

I call bull on this. There are men who are content with a woman loving him and being good company for that long, and the man doesn't love her.

He probably took her to his family to get their opinion on her. He sounds ambivalent about her, as if he could easily switch her out with another "good woman" and not miss her. He hasn't said anything about her that is unique that he loves, other than how the relationship is nice.

A Woman's Eyes said...

I agree. There is a lack of passion in that relationship. He seems to not be pressed towards her...she is there, he is there, no urgency.

Because she loves him and he isn't feeling it, I hope she's not living with him.

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