Monday, December 05, 2011

Bougie Bacherolette Chronicles - Testosterone & Tissues


When I'm sick, I go quiet. I shut down. I fight like hell not to get sick but then when I realize I really am, I fold like cheap paper in the wind. Or I flop like Chris Bosh in the 4th quarter. Either way, I'm down for the count. I take to my bed with a pot of tea and whatever sleep-inducing drug of choice is appropriate and I'll holla in a day or two. Those days of "powering through" and "sucking it up"? Unless I'm absolutely required to be somewhere? Done. 

Not talking cramps or a throat tickle here. I'm that person who sat on a six-hour flight with walking pneumonia praying my ears and lungs didn't explode thinking it was just a sinus flare-up. I'm the person who thought an intestinal virus was just "a little food poisoning" and I could "work through" it. I'm the chick who just thought she was "getting headaches" only to have my doctor say if I didn't slow my ass down, she was putting me in the hospital on "stroke watch." How's that for sobering verbiage?  [Allow me to take a moment to thank my folks for the genetic jackpot of ailments they gifted me with :-/]

My experience with ailing men has been... frustrating enlightening. There is first the complete unwillingness to admit that they could, indeed with all of their penis-having superpowers, fall prone to illness. I, unfortunately, have the uncanny ability to pick up any floating bug or virus looking for a host. So I don't appreciate a bruh being hugged up on me while assuring me that he's fine when he's really gifting me with the influenza strain from hell... Sorry, bad flashback, moving on.

Every time I hear a man say, "I don't get sick" - I cringe. Because you do get sick, sir. You just don't admit it.  Once dude admits the illness "I think I'm coming down with something", it's like the entire world has come to an end. Normally self-reliant "I got this" men become something entirely different. Either they go full-blown martyr "Don't worry about me, I'll muddle through." Or they get needy. "Can you bring me some soup, and a spoon, and room temperature ginger ale? And the remote?" 

My dude has been fighting off a cold for weeks. We both are but his brilliant decision to go out in the rain with the fellas to help Jay do some sort of home repair? Brilliant. (Putting aside the fact that these guys were pushing their DIY skills and they could afford to hire someone. Putting. That. Aside.) But six grown-assed men standing in the rain for four hours in the dark (while accomplishing nothing) has unleashed a small version of hell on the women that care about them.

Here were the six stages of illness:
1. Arguing about what it was. "It's just a cold." "No, once you have fever and a mix of symptoms, it's viral." "How do you know? Are you a doctor? No, are you?"
2. Arguing about how to cure it. "It's starve a cold, feed a fever." "No it's starve a fever, feed a cold." "Either way, you have both and you need to eat to take these meds."
3. Arguing over the meds. "I don't like Theraflu, it knocks me out." "That's the point." "You just want me to go to sleep." "Now we're getting somewhere, drink up."
4. Arguing over severity. "I'm not that bad." *hacking cough, hacking cough, sneeze, sneeze* "Right, I can tell but until the fever breaks, stay where you are." "Will you stay with me?" "What happens if I say no?"
5. Arguing over acceptance. "You know what, I feel like crap." "You don't say?" "Have some sympathy, woman." "Have some more Nyquil, man."
6. Arguing over recovery. "So now I can get up and get some hot wings with the fellas, right?" "I hate you." "What I do?" "I should have spiked your Nyquil and oh, you're welcome."

Even the most confirmed of confirmed bachelors wants a woman to bring him food and hold his hand when his throat is scratchy. We finally set up a round robin system where Nyquil, ginger tea, fruit, echinacea, soup & sandwiches were dispersed in six hour intervals. Jayme's housekeeper was slipped an undisclosed early Christmas bonus to assist with sheet-changing, bathroom recovery and kitchen sink cleansing for five homes. I won't even talk about the whining. I won't. I'll just let you imagine. We bit our tongues to keep from pointing out that they owed us, big time, and Christmas is just around the corner.

Is it me or are some men the biggest babies ever when they are "under the weather"? What do you do when you get sick? Do you give in? Ride it out? Ignore it? Drive everyone around you crazy? What's your go-to cold & flu remedy? Do tell.

69 comments:

tishatweets said...

The only experience I have in this area is with men is with my ex-husband. He, thank God, was not the "baby I'm sick, woe is me" whiny type. He would just Deebo the bed and cover up with only his eyes showing, basically. Now, he did refuse medicine until the 11th hour when he was about to hack up a lung. That got on my nerves because, I'm like, way too spoiled to have you laid up sick. Let's get this thing over with! LOL (j/k....kinda)

When I'm not feeling well I just want to be left alone. Like....bring me meds every four hours, chicken soup, whatever book(s) I'm reading, and the remote. I tend to try to treat it right away instead of thinking it will pass--especially since I became a Mommy. I just don't have time to be under the weather.

BB Waite said...

My husband regresses to around 5 and the first few years of our marriage, I wanted to send him back to his mama during cold and flu season. He only admits he's sick if he's completely incapacitated. When the kids were small and bringing home every bug, I did not think we were going to make it. Plus he hates going to the doctor, he hates needles, he refuses to take medicine - he's just a treat.

I get around it by working harder to keep us all healthy. Everyone stays healthy, everyone stays happy.
My cold cure is strawberry-mint tea with a shot of whiskey in the winter. Strawberry-kiwi smoothie with a shot of rum in the summer.

CaliGirlED said...

First let me say that I have some tissue for dude in the picture! I digress....Men are like newborn babies when they're sick!!!

Gotta get back to work, I shall return.

thinklikeRiley said...

I was going to say that I'm not that bad but I called and asked MamaRiley. She said she considered giving me back to Jesus the last time she cared for me when I sick. #thataintright

FreeBlackMan said...

First, I don't get sick. Ha!
No, I rarely do. But I want to be left completely alone to suffer in silence when I'm sick. I just go off the grid for a few days.

Mykeia said...

I am so thankful that I have not gotten sick yet, the spouse has.  When he is sick I hate it, he needs to be held like his mom used to do...man I don't want all of that on me...I digress.  Home remedy that works in this house, sweat it out and something that I had to do a few weeks ago for him make Theraflu with lemon tea (cut up lemon and water not tea from a bag) and rest.  It has been 30-35 degrees here every morning for the past week I don't want a sick man so we are staying stocked up on lemon for me and kombucha for him, he swears by that nasty stuff.
I hope that everyone stays in good health this winter!

Andrea M said...

I had an ex who believed in "sweating out" the cold so he would try and get all frisky.
No. Sir.
Nothing sexy about red-rimmed eyes and snot bubbles. Sorry. It's like, yeah - I got you boo but from over here for a few days, okay?

Mykeia said...

"He would just Deebo the bed and cover up with only his eyes showing,"<---dead because I know this all too well!  I have had a few nights in our sons room so that I would not catch what my hubby had and because those blankets needed to be washed!

SingLikeSassy said...

I don't generally get colds. I had a cold this year for the first time in a long while and it lingered.

I have had the flu twice -- once when I was a kid and once in 1997.

I get gastrointestinal issues like a mofo though. My stomach will go left with the slightest provocation. I used to ride it all out, because I hate taking medicine, but in the past two years I have discovered that popping pills aint so bad.

I also don't like people all up and around and hovering and stuff when I'm sick. Leave me be!

As for men being sick, I had to throw a fit -- screaming, yelling, hollering, stomping, banging -- before my then-boyfriend, now ex-husband would go to the hospital once when he had been in severe pain for almost a week after having surgery. And THEN I only think he went because he wanted me to shut the hell up, not because he thought he needed treatment. Which he did. *blink*

Only1DivaC said...

Bless your heart on this one, Chele. I swear you are describing my Dad above when he gets sick. I swear they are out of commission even with a dang hang nail.

As for me getting sick, I lock myself in the house, get under my snuggie (don't judge me), and dope myself up until I have recovered.

Here is to David coming through that door pretty soon with some nice purple shoes/boots, a massage, a bottle of wine, pedi/mani, and a nice dress. Yes, he needs to provide all these gifts just to make it even for the nosense you were put through the last couple of days.

maureen said...

This post is life giving... . To say men are the biggest babies is liking saying ocean has water. Listen, I dated a guy who  without a miss got a VERY bad cold and or  a flu at least once a year. Now,  one would think he should have the routine down to a T; fluids(this does not include alcohol. sir), rest and  Theraflu or Nyquil. But Oh  no, Captain Kirkland decided  on one occasion to weather the storm( I'm talking no remedies). He messed around and ended up   with a pneumonia and into ER . I had to take a red eye to NJ pronto,  not to mention 6 days off work. Le Sigh.

Jazzy Jazz said...

And maybe some nice jewelry too... Tiffany will be just fine. 

La said...

I try very hard to quarantine myself when I get sick because I don't just "get sick." I get bronchitis. Or walking pneumonia. Or the flu. I'd do a praise dance to just get a cold. Like you, all I wanna do is sleep and be by myself. People trying to take care of me only irritates me, which I'm convinced makes the sickness worse.
 
I've never dated a man that didn't turn into a two year old when he was sick. Whining and acting helpless and carrying on. And I will bite the bullet and nurse. But I will also tease him mercilessly in private moments about it. It's only fair. lol

La said...

"yeah - I got you boo but from over here for a few days, okay?"

LMAOOOOO

Jesse said...

Reason I love this blog: I flop like Chris Bosh in the 4th quarter
That is all.
Oh, I don't get sick. Really.

ShawnSoze said...

I don't think I'm that terrible but Jayme's maid rolled up in here this morning with everything but a giant silver cross and cloves of garlic giving me the devil's own side-eye. Perhaps I was not my normal pleasant self? She changed the sheets and made me shower at midnight and she took off with my drawers though. A man has some boundaries, yo.

Only1DivaC said...

Or that David Yurman.

Only1DivaC said...

"A man has some boundaries, yo."
 
*points and laughs*
 
Now see that's what you get for trying to be all handy man over there.

Mina B. said...

Luckily, I rarely get sick. I tend to tough it out when I do, but I also complain  relay my ailments to those within earshot. 

my husband wasn't too bad- he didn't complain much and tried to tough it out but he refused to go to the doctor unless he was bleeding, a body part no long functioned, or his pain was severe b/c he HATED needles. Ironic that usually by that time, blood work was always necessary :/

JaymeC said...

I wasn't going to say anything. I was just going to sit over here waiting for the thank you notes and gifts but Shawnie? You win for Worst Sick Person EVER! I don't know how you drink because your tolerance for cold medicine is zero, zilch, nada. One dose of Theraflu and you start talking out of your head and acting a pure d fool. You objected to the soup that Bryan's wife Jazz tried to give you and upended it over me, her, the bed, and your fancy plaid drawers.

We are sorry we ran out of Michele's life giving tortilla soup but you ain't have to come at us sideways like that. Hence, the midnight visit for the cleansing and defunking of you, your bed, and your drawers. Then you needed the right temperature, the right beverage, the right thing playing on your TV in the background, your iPad, your cell phone and all 26 remotes to work your "home theater system."

When you find a woman (and we pray you do with much haste) make sure she has the patience of Job, the strength of Samson and the charms of Jezebel. In the meantime, the next time you get sick? Don't call us, we'll call you.

Feel better soon!
Jayme

Jazzy Jazz said...

I didnt want to go there , you know bad memories and what not. I figured it was better not to even mention that bracelet to her

GuessImJay said...

I was going to laugh and point but I fear getting ethered.
*retreats back to sofa with Tussin in hand*

GuessImJay said...

I was going to laugh and point but I fear getting ethered. *retreats back to sofa with Tussin in hand*

rozb said...

I dated a guy who pouted when he got sick. Pouted. Then got all clingy: "Where you going?" "Why can't you stay upstairs with me?" "Can I have some water?" And the piece de resistance - "My momma rubbed Vick's on my chest - why can't you?" When he got all better he was ghost. And I made sure I jetted.

As for me, any time a kid with cooties comes around me, or their parent comes to work covered in kid cooties, I will be down for the count. I load up on toddys, NyQuil, and TheraFlu, along with crackers and chicken soup, then I'm straight!

JoyGrooves said...

They say you don't really know a person until you've seen them at their worst. I would like to start the Amen Chorus on that one.
*in Forrest Gump voice* And that's all I have to say about that.

JoyGrooves said...

Have all the seats. Immediately.

bashowell said...

*Thanks the stars above once again I haven't bothered w/a man friend*

I didn't get sick as a kid (just had the flu once in 5th grade) and still don't get sick that often as an adult (except Dec 2009 went from cold to flu to bronchitis and wasn't quite right until April or so).  During this time I had a bf.  I'm over there hacking up a lung and he's whining cuz he got a cold..."Booobiiiiiieeee I don't feel goooooood." "OK then bye."

bashowell said...

*cries* This comment is everything.

michaeldavis said...

I've been taking care of myself going on three years.  I rarely get sick.  However, when I do I'm usually tolerable as long as I can stay home and chill.  Give me some Theraflu and God Bless my Momma for schooling me on the Neti Pot, eucalyptus and other home remedies.

I once had pneumonia and strep at the same time and lost 15 pounds in less than two weeks.  I was on the road a lot and being male I kiiiiinda hoped it would go away.   It got really bad. My Doctor read me the riot act.  She still yells at me from time to time. 

Trust I'd rather have someone cooking for me during illnesses. Is there a BnB rider under Blue Cross, 'cause yo... some of Michele's tortilla soup with reported life-giving qualities would do the trick. AND y'all have maid service?  Apparently with no co-pay?  Man listen...

michaeldavis said...

that's where I stand on it.  

michaeldavis said...

what kind of soup was it? *ducks skillet*

blackprofessor said...

Now this was funny!

blackprofessor said...

I don't get sick that often but when I do get sick, I get sinus infections.  The first time I got a sinus infection, it was from hell.  I assumed it was a cold and treated it like a cold. By the time I lost my voice, had blood coming out of my nose and my ears felt like they were bursting from pain, I crawled to the doctor.  Never again! 

I think sick men tend to exist in extremes - either they are the biggest babies or the biggest punks! The punks will have to die before they decide to listen. I dated a guy who kept complaining about his arm hurting. I told him to go to the ER as that was a heart attack symptom but he wouldn't listen. Well, his frat brother (who was an MD) told him to go and he finally went.  The  hospital suspected he was having a heart attack and ran every test known to man. What did I get?  "I guess I will listen to you next time."

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Most men are the biggest babies when they are sick. Especially if they have a woman in their life to put up with their foolishness.

When I am sick, I want to rotate betweeen the bed, a hot bath, and my couch with a book and the remote within arms reach.  I stay medicated, and don't really want to be bothered when I am sick. Especially because I tend to get a nasty confluence of sinus and cold/flu symptoms, and that is just not something I want to subject anyone to.

I tend to just take in a lot of clear fluids (room temperature or warmer only), with the occasional cup of hot tea with honey, lemon, and whiskey.

Jubi The Great said...

LMAO....I am so entertained....Jayme broke it all the way down

Jubi The Great said...

I'm the same way - I get a sinus infection every year, generally in the fall as the season changes & the humidity drops. This was the one good thing about living in Orlando, constant warm weather & humidity meant no more sinus infections. This year I was miserable for about 3 weeks, cause during week 1 I thought I could self-medicate & my body just laughed at me. I hate going to the doctor but I had to suck it up & go.

SingLikeSassy said...

*snicker*

Duchess K said...

The last time I was sick I had the pig flu back in 09... while I was traveling. It was the worse. I typically take care of myself. I grab books, 2 gallons of water, a big blanket to roll myself up in and meds. I call my Momma to whine to because she made me that way. I try to convince her that flying across the country to make me tomato soup and grill cheese is what a mother does. She still doesnt believe me.
 
Men are the worse! They take being sick to a whole new level of. One ex got sick and you would have thought he was bleeding the way he sounded on the phone. Nope it was just a cold. Another ex refused to accept he was sick until bodyaches set in. Men should come with disclosures about how they act when they are sick.

OneChele said...

This>>> When you find a woman (and we pray you do with much haste) make sure she has the patience of Job, the strength of Samson and the charms of Jezebel. 
Ma'am? Is everything. 
*collapses with laughter*

rozb said...

Shawn sounds like the kinda dude you "accidentally" fold up in the sleeper sofa. Wow.

ShawnSoze said...

Booooo. I refuse to believe I was worse than David or Trey.  #aintnoway

AnnettePearl said...

David was only whiny until Mademoiselle La Bougie showed up and then he was fine. Trey only woke up twice. Matter of fact, someone go check on him make sure he's still amongst us.

AnnettePearl said...

I always try to talk myself out of being sick. Like if I just don't speak on it, it will magically go away.

ClayJones said...

This was hilarious.
I'll take the fif on the whole topic though.

William Martin said...

How's everybody been? Long time no life.
*raises hand and hangs head in shame*
Doctors make the worst patients. In the galaxy. Hands down.

CaliGirlED said...

"He would just Deebo the bed and cover up with only his eyes showing"...*dies*

CaliGirlED said...

LOL @ MamaRiley!!! Now we see where you get it from!

CaliGirlED said...

I am dying over here laughing at this!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Hey Doc!!! Where in the world have you been??? *whispers* Can you please get some more facebook friends so that it can stop suggesting that I help you find some. LMAO!!! I swear fb is doing too much! SMH

Only1DivaC said...

Can we also add nurses to that list? When my sister is sick I make sure I stay north of I-635. I love her to death but when she is sick I just want to reach out and lay hands on her.

MelaninEnriched said...

LOL....pure hilarity!

I had an ex who came down with something almost overnight. Instantaneously, he couldn't do anything! He wanted some tea, I brought it. Then it was too hot, so I added some ice cubes. Then he wanted a straw while he laid on the sofa watching tea because he didn't have the strength to lift the mug. Then he wanted some fruit; I gave him an orange; he wanted it cut up, on a plate. Then, when he finally went to bed, although NOBODY was sleeping, he decided at  2 a.m. that he was dehydrated and needed some electrolytes and wanted me to go to the store and get him some Gatorade....um......yeah, he still waiting on that one. A few hours later, he felt it best if he slept by himself, so I had to go to the couch.

I work in the medical field so I'll have to practically be dying before I admit I'm sick. But I'm rarely sick...I can't remember the last time I was sick. I mean, it's been years. Thanks Mom and Dad for my immune system!

OneChele said...

Doctors are the absolute worst. My father, my brother - terrible!

GrownAzzMan said...

I. Don't. Get. Sick.

OneChele said...

*squints hard*

Angel Blanca said...

I recommend soup, any kind really, generously infused with curry and cayenne pepper. It opens up all the passages and permits the toxins to escape.  I also recommend a warm-to-hot bath with essential oils and Epsom salts, which helps to clear toxins, too.  After both, sleep, wake up and hydrate, and sleep some more.

If they won't take the meds directly, dose them on the sly. It's only fair to you, and it helps them, too.

Evansaw said...

You gotta be kidding, right?

David Chase said...

I did not whine. Unless someone has it on film. That I may have just been sounding nasally due to my sinus issues.
#thatsmystory

David Chase said...

*coughs* Diva. *coughs*

David Chase said...

Man is just happy to be taking in oxygen and gets maligned.

OneChele said...

Go back to sleep. It will all seem better in the morning.

CaliGirlED said...

*lips turned up in the left corner* Um hmm!

CaliGirlED said...

You guys are some good women! Nursing your men and their single buddies? I keep trying to tell people friendship is action!

The Georgia Boys et al better be counting their blessings!!!

GammasWorld said...

I would say this made me giggle but I'd be lying ... I  *hollered*   I have never been with a man who admitted sickness but when they gave in and turned 3 I was done.  "I want some juice ... not that kind ... it's too hot ... I'm cold.  My throat hurts sooooooooooo bad. "   I'm betting that's how Blanche Taylor Moore got started on her killing husbands spree.  But I digress.    This is going to be a nice Christmas, gift wise, for some BnB women :)    

Rhenewal said...

I fully admit to the nurses as horrible patients. I had a stomach bug two weekends ago and managed to panic five people, all in towns other than mine. 

I called two people crying, hyperventilating and overall acting like I was dying (which, I maintain, I felt like I was). They started a phone tree when I dropped my phone so I could hurl, and didn't answer it for a half hour (as I needed to hug the toilet in order to continue hurling). Next thing I knew, there were three people at my door, another two planning to meet us at the ED (we convinced one to stay home)... It was bad.

And my ex always wanted some "nursing" when he was sick. I had no problem providing some hot tea (or cocoa when he was feeling a little better) and handing him the remote.

Grace said...

I'm late today but this is too funny.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

I got sick last week. Picked up some virus that wrecked the hell out of my entire digestive highway, left me doubled over in immense pain, and nursing triple digit fevers. I know I was a real baby on the first day, so I'm not even going to lie about that. :D

Apart from that, my illnesses have been sinus-related. With that, lots of fluids, occasional pain killers, and menthol crystals did the trick.

Ms. LTB said...

Okay I'm like Grace - late but laughing.  I somehow missed this post  yesterday but I'm definitely appreciating the laughter today.

Ms. LTB said...

LMBOOOOOOOOOO. Wow.  She broke it down.  Completely.  I hope a thank you card, gift, and something extra for proclaiming not to be "that bad" is on its way to all the women that endured all of that without trying to spike the meds or like someone said fold you up in the couch lol.

Ms.LTB said...

Out of pure curiosity (which I try to catch  my breath from laughing) how old were you the last time you got sick? Cause the image of MamaRiley knocking on the gates and silently dropping a grown man down before turning around heading home got me rolling over here...

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