Friday, December 09, 2011

5 things men and women can agree on (or can we?)


Dr. Jayme hosts a singles event for men and women from age 20 - 60 called Five Things You Need To Know About The Opposite Sex. Attending one of these reinforces the fact that the more things change, the more they stay the same. A 25-year old man does not think all that differently from a 55-year old man though the way they say it and carry it out are vastly different. A 40-year old woman and a 20-year old woman may want similar things but for different reasons. It was fascinating.

One segment of the seminar breaks out the attendees into four small groups and challenges them to come up with five universal relationship rules that both men and women can agree on. Then they come back to the larger group and get debated. Here (after much bickering and heated word exchanging) are the five basic Relationship Rules of Engagement:
1. No hitting, ever. Not for any reason. 
2. The person who asks should either pay or include some verbiage like "Dutch" "split check" "50/50" prior to the start of the date. 
3. Both parties should feel free to initiate sex. Both parties have the right to decline sex.
4. No Cheating Allowed. However, it is not cheating if a) both parties haven't agreed that they are in a relationship or b) no one has invoked an exclusivity clause or c) you're on a break with defined consent to "explore your options" while apart 
5. Dating someone who is related to (or good friends with) a serious ex-s/o requires disclosure and in some cases, permission. For example, if you want to you date your ex-wife's best friend - some needs to chat with ex-wife before it gets too deep. 
Bonus Rule: 6. Never end a relationship via text or note. 
What say you, BougieLand? Do you agree or disagree? With which rules? Do you have any to add? Do share...

43 comments:

Stefan M. said...

re: #4 It may not be cheating, but it shouldn't be hidden either. Just because exclusivity hasn't been specifically "invoked," everyone has their own level of comfort regarding dealing with multiple parties.

David Parrish, Jr.(Inkognegro) said...

I am positive there is a not insignificant amout here not agreeing...just because.  It all seems reasonable to me. 

thinklikeRiley said...

Nah son. Can't co-sign 4, 5, 6.
4 - one person says let's be exclusive, the other don't agree - now what?
5 - when the ex became an ex she gave up rights to tell me who to stir cocoa with. Sorry
6 - sometimes a well-penned email hits da spot.

I'm just sayin'

The_A said...

4-  that's called a misunderstanding not a relationship

5- big difference between being courteous to an ex & asking permission. I would be decent enough to give them a heads up before things get serious because I would want the same

6- cosign but at least make a serious attempt at a phone conversation first

rozb said...

1. When you first start having "sleepovers", make sure in the morning you leave with everything you came with. No leaving random socks, undies, or toiletries around trying to mark your territory. Get permission once it is apparent you will be coming back more often.

2. Stay out of folk's medicine cabinets, drawers, and kitchen cabinets. Again - it is common courtesy to ask for things like aspirin, tissues, nail clippers, or anything else that might be put up somewhere.

3. Ladies - do not leave any feminine products under his bathroom sink unless you let him know, so he won't be surprised the next time he goes to look for Dran-o or Pine Sol or something. Men - clean up your daggone hair from everywhere. And make sure the seat is clean before you leave out. Pleaseandthankyou.

4. Even once you're in a committed relationship or even married, respect privacy and boundaries. Everyone has the right to that bit of personal space that is just for you and only you.

5. When you demand the truth, expect it may hurt sometimes. Do not ask questions like "Is my butt too big for these pants?" or "My wife loves my homemade secret BBQ sauce, don't you honey?" Sometimes you already know the answer well before you ask, so why even bother. :/

6. And a big one for me - once you have hashed out an issue or addressed a problem, don't keep bringing it up. It is done, finished, out with the trash in the morning. If you won't go in the garbage to retrieve trash, don't retrieve this, either.

The_A said...

Yes I clearly get/agree/cosign/promote/encourage the intent of #1

wholeheartedly

That said, I'd allow a minor exemption within the well defined boundaries of a coco flavored slap, spank, and/or tickle

jus sayin...

GrownAzzMan said...

I agree on all points. Especially number 4.

GrownAzzMan said...

Cosign. Especially 1, 2 and 3.

CaliGirlED said...

*hollers at #1* "mark your territory" You are a fool Roz! Amen to #6, for real!

CaliGirlED said...

#1 will get you cut! I agree with #2, 3 and 5. #4 will have you left wondering what had happened. #6 depends on the depth of the relationship and my reason(s) for breaking it off.

Natasha said...

Loving all of this, especially #6.

Sol_dier said...

It should all be so simple, but it isn't. This list right here... Nice.

Other rule: 
1) No comparisons to ex's i.e. my ex used to do this for me 

2) No denigration & disrespect, if your partner is not doing it for you. leave. Do not start insulting them or trying to break their spirit

3) Be in a relationship not a competition. Trying to outdo your other half is just bizarre. You should be building together.

4) Romance. Give and receive for both men and women.

Rob said...

The thing I most remember from Jayme's class - it takes two people to start a relationship and one to end it.

Lady4Real said...

#5 & 6 are everything to me. Because of 6 I broke my current husbands heart terribly back in the day. I e-mailed him at the tender age of 17 that our 3 year, shared child, engaged relationship was over. An e-mail to a boy who already suffered great insecurities, therefore he was never right after recieving an electonice message from the girl he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I'm still paying for that e-mail 10 years later with almost 2 years of marriage under the belt. #5 allowed for us to keep our shared best friend only because I believe in a certain set of rules like "No dating your friends ex or dating your exes friends." His friend wanted to date me, I told him go ask ya boy but I knew I would never go through with it and I am so glad that I didn't because he is our son's godfather and was best man at the wedding.

#1 hit me and I'll hit you back- so let's just not
#2 Daddy raised a spoiled young lady, you ask me out, you picking up the check boo-boo but if I ask you of course it's my treat
#3 it's 2011 not 1911 I grew up with Sex & the City, if I want some I'm gonna get me some
#4 Cheaters never prosper

Pure Choco said...

Numbers 4, 5 and 6 are how I almost caught a case last year. Dude swears he texted me about "needing space" all I know is that he went radio silent and 10 days later I saw him out with my cousin. WDDDA? Then he texted to say he thought we should break up and see other people. Jesus had to step in and take the wheel because I was about ten parking spots from running that fool over.

Sol_dier said...

hey Lady4real. 
#4 - is this true?. Man, I like karma as a concept, but I don't believe that stuff anymore. (I had to let Karma go lol)

My new motto is: protect ya neck at all times and if ish happens: fall, get up, dust your shoulders off and move on. 

JaymeC said...

I'm a strong believer in karma, I've seen things come back around too many times not to.

JaymeC said...

Don't forget - two to keep a relationship going.

JaymeC said...

Chele - you didn't include the one you made up?
Cocoa without communication does not a relationship make.

ASmith said...

I'm intrigued by #5.  That one reads like a lot of compromise happened.  It is not at all giving the definitive "no" that often comes with that topic.  I think that one shows exactly who was in the room and how varying the experiences were.  I don't doubt that as you get older you accept that odds are high you're going to run into folks who are close with individuals you may have once been seriously involved with (and/or you're more willing to accept that...)

ASmith said...

I think we expect karma to come back in the way it went out, but that isn't always the case.  Cheaters don't always get cheated on, or lose the one they love -- sometimes it's another area of their life that just won't get together.

blackprofessor said...

Be in a relationship not a competition - This all day! If more people knew this, the world would be a better place.

blackprofessor said...

I agree with this notion of karma.  The bottom line is to not put negative energy in the universe if you can avoid it.

tooshy1 said...

What the French Toast?! Is all I can say...

blackprofessor said...

Great list!!

I have one addition - do not go into a relationship thinking that you can change the person.  If you do not like what you see in your date, you will not like what you see in your mate.  Be honest about whether you can deal with their ish for the long haul.  If not, bow out gracefully and move on to the next.

Lady4Real said...

Cheaters never propser in some way, shape or form. Whether their conscience attacks, karma bites or they get caught there is a price to pay. I believe in karma to the existent that what goes around comes around, maybe not in the exact same manner but negative energy creates negative energy.

Mykeia said...

I agree with number one, just don't do it--just bad on soooo many levels.  Have a good weekend all.

ShawnSoze said...

One addition:
What happens in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom.
(unless you've both signed a distribution deal)
I'll let myself out.

C Nelson said...

Full agreement on all but #5 -- if you want to date my exes, you don't need my okay, and I don't need to know jack about what y'all do. In fact, please do not tell me; I don't want those images. Besides, you don't want to know all the things I know about them and why they're my exes, and if you ruin my morning behind "there's something I need to tell you," I'm going to tell you and ruin your morning too.

Evansaw said...

Whole heartedly.  Everything else is up for discussion. These 6 are not!

DCbywayofCali said...

Wait, not to be mean or anything, but weren't you the dude who went and told e'rybody about what happened with Miss Not Giving Up the Draws?

ShawnSoze said...

Wow. Caught by my own double standard. If we were in a relationship and something was happening, I wouldn't talk about it. We weren't in a relationship and not a lot was happening so I talked about it. Looks like I need to work on my fine print.

OneChele said...

I love when folks have to stop and side-eye themselves.

Foxy Brown said...

i agree with 1, 2, 3, and 6.
 
#4--too many areas of gray for me. #5--iont care what yall do, just don't come to me and expect me to be sympathic when you find out how crazy she is (that really happened yall)
 
my rules:
you must respect my feelings.  you may not like them or agree with them, but you will respect my right to have them.
 
if too many of my friends don't like you, i will start giving you the side eye.
 
i have a right to privacy.
 
don't try to change me.
 
don't be hanging on my arm or grabbing my hand in public. i know what you are doing and i don't like it.

J B said...

Is it really that easy for you to keep quiet, though?  Sounds like one of those things guys do when they get together, they start "sharing"

BklynBajan said...

Only commenting on #5 because this is the rule I constantly see flagrantly abused and red challenge flags thrown on. Unless you live in Backwater town USA with population of 50 there are too many people in the world to have to claim your only choice for new cocoa was with someone from an ex's circle of friends or family.

Finding out your new boo went to elementary school with your ex and hasn't seen since isn't the same thing as showing up at Thanksgiving with someone we already know because he stirred cocoa with another blood relative. The former is a "small world" , "how's your mama" chuckle, the latter will get somone cut.

ShawnSoze said...

Maybe 10 years ago. At this point (everybody's 32 and older)- not so much.

Sol_dier said...

I wish I did (see it). cos I swear I broke my back for a best friend and woohooo.. I'm still living with the repercussions of wanting the best for someone.

Will I ever get to see it in action?

Sol_dier said...

Jesus... Lawd..Amen!

rozb said...

Welp...

GammasWorld said...

My rule is we'll give each other the utmost respect which should take care of all of that.

Rubie said...

"If you don't like what you see in your date, you will not like what you see in your mate" - CHURCH TABERNACLE AMEN AMEN and AMEN again *throws prayer cloth*

Brneyed1 said...

#6!  Oh. My. GOODNESS.  #6!!!

*Le Huge Damn Sigh*

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