Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Could you date... a player/playette?


(From the Urban Dictionary)
Player: A male who is skilled at manipulating ("playing") others, and especially at seducing women by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex. Possibly derived from the phrases "play him for a fool", or "play him like a violin". 

Playette: a female version of a player can play in several different ways: 
a) have multiple boyfriends with or without them knowing about each other 
b) lead many different guys on but never actually commit 
c) goes from guy to guy to guy to guy to guy 
(see Hall & Oates Maneater)

Let me kick this post off with a shameless plug. In my 2012 release, Pretty Boy Problems, the male lead in the story - Beau Montgomery is a player. He's an unrepentant hound dog who has skated through life on his charm, looks and uh- cocoa prowess for years. It isn't until he meets his equal on all levels who simply isn't having it that he decides to change his ways. But it takes him a little time to completely drink the "Get Right" Koolaid and in the meantime, the heroine in the book is giving him all manner of hell.

In one scene, Mr. Beau literally leaves the bed of one woman and then realizes his mistake and shows up at old girl's house in the middle of the night to confess and make amends. I had to do all sorts of literary backflips to make this scene work (and of course I can't tell you how it turns out) because I couldn't fathom such a thing in real life.

If a young, single person wants to pass out their cocoa with two-for-one coupons, so be it. As long as you are being safe, responsible and not leaving a trail of disillusioned or broken people in your wake - do you. It's when a person is playing with people's heads and hearts that I have issues. I also look with skeptical side-eye at people "past a certain age" who are still out in the streets stirring Le Chocolat with everything that moves. Discernment, anyone? I tend to cross my arms and tap my foot when I hear someone bemoaning the lack of a "serious" relationship when I see them leading with the cocoa.

All of this to say, I'm too old to date players. I have zero patience for "taming" someone who wishes to run wild. You needed to catch me in my twenties for that when I truly believed that all any man needed was a "good woman" to get his act together. Let's stop and giggle over that one, shall we?

This goes both ways, fellas. There are some sister-girls out there wildin' with no remorse as well. Playing is playing no matter what side of the fence it's coming from.

So I ask you, BougieLand? Could you date a player/playette? I mean seriously, for the long term. Don't players need love too or do they have reform to make the "serious consideration" list? Anyone in BougieLand a "reformed player"? In a relationship with one? (I do know some of you personally and will side-eye the hell out of your comments) Thoughts, comments, confessions? Do share...

55 comments:

David Parrish, Jr.(Inkognegro) said...

This all depends on A. What you call "dating" and B. How honest you are about who you are and what you need.

If you Don't want much...(#noshots) then a player/ette might be right up your alley.  

Otherwise?  You get what it says on the box.  


Not what the commercial says....what it says on the box.

Mr. Skyywalker said...

C'mon now - players need love too. Players are like children, they are going to act out until someone makes them stop and shows them another way. Though I do agree that what is cute when you are 25 can look real raggelly at 35. Yes. raggelly. That really, really raggedy.

AnnettePearl said...

My days of attempting to "tame" a man are done. If he still has oats to sow, he should get on to the next. I can't. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, matching blanket and socks. Done.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Nah. I don't have a child, and I surely don't want a grown one that someone did a piss poor job of raising.  For some reason, I get approached by a bunch of  older reformed players looking for "that one to settle down with".  Sir, I may look like an ingenue, but I'm older and wiser than that.  Go thattaway ------>

I firmly believe that players change when they can no longer get the type of people they want. Then they will shape up and start to behave better, and will go through a few relationships with poor unfortunate souls who will have to suffer through the growing pains.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

No. Not at all.  They may need love, but they don't have to get it from me.  Go with God, Crispy, until you get ya mind right and your house in order.  Shoot, I have hard enough time dealing with average dudes who have more ghosts of pzzy past than I prefer, so I really don't want someone who was out there trying to sip every cup of cocoa they came across by hook or by crook.  Ugh!
 
I have never been nor will never be a player.  A flirt? By golly yes, even when I have no desire to do anything but flirt for that 20-30 mins it takes for me to finish my cocktails. Other than that, nah, I'm good. I would be the person to mix up what movies I saw with whom, what anecdotes I told to whom, and all of that.  Plus, if I'm not really feeling you, you can tell that I'm bored and biding my time til dinner is over and that does no one any good.

Sasha Iman said...

I could date someone who has no intention to commit AND who's only in it for the cocoa, but I couldn't date a player.

There's a certain character flaw that comes with lying and manipulating
someone one in the way a player needs to that I just can't overlook. And I consider such behavior too reckless and drama filled for my liking anyways.

You know how many people get stabbed/shot/chocked to death because someone toyed with their emotions and how many woman are crazy enough to come at the other chick instead of taking things up with the man they had a relationship with? You can miss me with alladat.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

From observation, players and playettes make for great hook-ups. Long term? Not monogamously, unless said player/playette is serious about it. Outside of that? Good luck.

maureen said...

No, not for me. Can't date players. My heart/soul/spirit/body can't take it.

michaeldavis said...

If all parties involved communicated their intentions it could possibly work. But I find that is often not the case. I have dated them;  and it's not for me.  

I find that they are often shady, shallow and inconsistent in their behavior. Usually they also keep a degenerate (read: former probation ankle bracelet wearer) or their baby's father in the mix which causes added additional problems. If your baby's father is coming by/calling at 2am to "check on his kid"  I'll holla back in the month of Never-ary 2045.

Casual dating? That's cool because you have to go on some dates to find the person with whom you want to settle down. 

If she's stirring the cocoa with a bunch of dudes? Nah, check please.  That's how you end up on Maury contemplating your dance if (hopefully) you are NOT the father.
 

MsJamie14 said...

Uh, no. Life is too short for all that. Don't need the stress. It seems like a lot of work toying with people like that. Toy with me and get your feelings hurt.

I'm wary of the "reformed" ones too. While I understand that player lifestyle (should) eventually get old... I'm wary.

Lady Ngo said...

The question isn't could i, but why would i want to! Even if i just wanna smash, i don't wanna smash someone who is smashin a million other chicks too. Plus i'm an exclusive dater. So really, there's no room in my romantic escapades for anyone who can't handle just rollin with one person...even if we're not "official"

blackprofessor said...

I grew up with men who "played" and the one thing I learned is that players have more character defects than you want to imagine.  I don't care how exciting they seem, at most they are extremely shallow and uber selfish.  No thanks! 

Slimuel L. Jackson said...

Because of my abhorrence for women that use men for free meals with no intentions of it going any further, I'm gonna have to say that I would not date a playette. And if she's a truly skilled playette that has reformed, I won't even know about the shenanigans she used to pull and my ignorance will be bliss...until she does something dumb and I am forced to bring out the voodoo doll. 

OSHH said...

Like Sade said it's truly no place for beginners or sensitive hearts. I can't with that type EVER again.

michaeldavis said...

"women that use men for free meals with no intentions of it going any further..." 
There's a lot of this going around.  It often occurs at restaurants at which they would not  pay to dine on their own ($$$).  Bobbing and weaving is often required.  

OSHH said...

IDK you and you seem younger, but I will say this, when you settle to deal with something less than you deserve, you get even less than that. I thought I knew once too, with all those things being said upfront.

OSHH said...

The thing of it is, people cannot tame anyone but themselves and alot times thats with divine help LOL. It's a painful and futile effort, but it's a lesson most have to learn the hard way, paid for in tears.

Mykeian said...

Today will be a day of comment reading for me...this topic is why I am trying to stay married.  Good day all.

Grace said...

The real problem is (and I need you to write a post about this) - sometimes you don't know you're dating a player until you get played. I would never willingly seek out Playa Playa and be like - hey, come be with me. What generally happens is that you meet someone charming and then find yourself asking "What just happened here?"

So if you could write a post about how to spot a player? That would be awesome. Thanks everso...

michaeldavis said...

+1 for the use of ingenue in a sentence

TrulyPC said...

In my early 20's I dated a player but I didn't realize that he was one.   Except for the time that we spent with each other we didn't really travel in the same circles (I was working and going to school full-time) which made me the perfect mark and it took me a long minute to put the pieces together but once I did I was O-U-T. 

My more mature and aware self doesn't date current, reformed or retired players.  Let that be some other persons mission if they choose to accept it. 

michaeldavis said...

Honesty is rare and sometimes hard to spot out here.  It's possible for a charming person to be single and looking for something meaningful. 

thinklikeRiley said...

Someone has to say it...
I'm not a playa, I just f*** a lot
http://youtu.be/-Rhf5n27BGc

Grace said...

Oh no doubt, charming doesn't have to have an ulterior motive.

CaliGirlED said...

 Annette I crocheted my blanket! (You know that took time!)

CaliGirlED said...

"...sometimes you don't know you're dating a player until you get played."...And the church said, AMEN!!!

Pure Choco said...

*breaks into praise dance* I 10,000% agree. Certainly would not gravitate to a man knowing he was in it to play me unless I was trying to play him as well. And how exhausting is that? If it's just about the cocoa, say that. If it's just about the conquest, say that. But don't pretend that you are looking for Mrs. Right when you're still all about Ms. Right for Now And By Now I Mean Tonight.

maureen said...

^This. I'm sure there are  omnious signs in certain cases. But those cases that one can't decipher though.

Suzie S said...

Life is too short.

michaeldavis said...

I wish more women believed this :)

J B said...

They can be loved by others....

I'm 47...too old for players.  Didn't date them at 27, not doing it now.

Earthangel172 said...

I dated a player once but he lead me to believe he wasn't a player. It was after my divorce and I had no clue about the dating game. After I got my face cracked, I made sure to never fall for the okie doke again. Live and learn.

blackprofessor said...

Grace I feel you!  One of the main things I look for when trying to determine if a man is a player (or someone to be avoided) is consistency between word and deed.   The one lesson I learned from my male relatives is that juggling multiple women usually involves dishonesty, manipulation and evasiveness.  Players can speak charming words but rarely can they back them up with charming actions.

CaliGirlED said...

This is true, I agree with you! But on the flip side, some guys want you to be uber-impressed when they take you to a restaurant where you can, and DO, dine on your own $$$.

JoyGrooves said...

I'm living with a reformed player. What reformed him was watching all (most) of his boys settling down into happy, monogamous relationships and loving it. By the time I met him, he was ready for that kind of relationship. Not that I'm not keeping (as Chele says) one good side-eye on him but I think the only one who can reform a player is that player.

So no, no mo' playas.

SingLikeSassy said...

There are signs though. I do believe I am hanging out with a player right now. And if I was catching feelings it would be a problem but since I'm just chilling cause I like to cuddle when it's cold....

Still a Player/Playette Primer would be a nice clip and save for a sister's purse.

SingLikeSassy said...

I'll holla back in the month of Never-ary 2045. <---BWAHHHAHAHAAAAA

taut_7 said...

i couldn't date a playette. i'm past that point in my life where its ok to just have physical attractions and that's it. well i'm lying, i wouldn't take a woman seriously if that's all she wanted and more than likely if i don't take you seriously from the beginning then there's really no point in my entertaining you. i wouldn't say i'm a reformed player based on your definition. i didn't lead women on (or at least i tried not to).

SingLikeSassy said...

HAHA! My aunt uses raggelly but it's always "with his raggelly ass."

BklynBajan said...

I'm friends with too many men to fall for the okey doke anymore. If you can't be honest with me and I find out then its all on you when cousin Tyrone and his friends knock on your door. #nosympathy 

Marioned said...

Don't hate the player, hate the game!  Lol!!! 

When  I was younger unbeknownst to me I was dating a player and got played.  Now I can smell them a mile away and have no interest.  Ironically, a few years ago after the death of a love one, I just wanted to have fun.  I ran into a old school mate that remembered me, but I didn't remember him.  He was a Player with a capitol "P".  Quite charming and I  decided to just hang out and have fun.  But get this: once he realized early on that I was just out for fun, he had no interest in playing "with"  me.  Player's are all about control and manipulation and deceit.

Sasha Iman said...

I'm 22 and it has nothing to do with what I deserve, and everything to do with what I want at the moment.

Ex. I would like to get married... he has no intention of ever doing so. Right now though, I don't desire being in a relationship that might lead to that or anything even remotely serious so dating someone who has no plans of taking things too far is just dandy.

Everything he laid out fits the bill for me and I wouldn't have dated him otherwise.

Moabmu said...

"Go with God Crispy..." and "the ghosts of pzzy past..." had - me - in - tears!! Litrally, not literally, but li-tra-lly. I think I'll share these new terms with friends. 

Moabmu said...

LOL at 'ragelly'! My husband uses this term when he's utterly disgusted and disturbed by a person's behavior or M.O.

Moabmu said...

Nope, couldn't ever knowingly date a player. My tolerance level for BS is generally at zero. 

C Nelson said...

No, I couldn't. Not because I'm judging you on how many you've been with, but because when you've been dishonest to someone else, I can't trust you not to be dishonest to me. Openly poly? No problem with that. Everybody knows about everybody and you all act to keep each other and yourselves safe. But dirty little secret affairs don't fly -- who wants to spend their lives with someone checking up behind them to make sure they're being aboveboard? I don't have that kind of time, and what I do have is better spent on other things. Like, I dunno, jumping in a shark tank without a wet suit, or washing my hair with unrefined tar.

C Nelson said...

... Wait, what? So agreeing to go to a restaurant and have a meal with you in the hopes of getting to know you better is an agreement to share cocoa at some future time, now? Do you say that upfront? Or do you sit through the meal with that expectation in mind and then hold it against a woman if she welshes on this clause you never told her about by deciding she doesn't want another date?

Jubi The Great said...

I've never considered myself a playette cause I'm a firm believer that everyone should deal with each other fully knowing what they are getting & going into. I don't do deceit. When I was young & dumb I fell for a player & thought he was going to marry me - finding out about the other chicks put an end to that dream & cured me of that player attraction real quick.

BTW Chele I hope the new book will also update us on the other couples from Heard It All Before!

Jubi The Great said...

I quit accepting dates just for the perks in college - are there really grown women doing this?

Jeannette said...

Some men WANT to take a certain woman to a fancy place to show off.  How does the saying go? You pay the cost to be the BAWSE!? 

Sol_dier said...

I'm quite curious about how this plays out too.

Sol_dier said...

'who wants to spend their lives with someone checking up behind them to make sure they're being aboveboard? I don't have that kind of time, and what I do have is better spent on other things'    - Amen

Singlelif said...

Not on purpose, but knowing me and my dating habits, I probably have.  Just as my dates have probably dated a Playette....Me !

Angel Blanca said...

I've been out of the loop this week, but I'm checking out this week's offerings. Regarding this post, I have one question: Are preview copies available before March 2012? No pressure; just curious. ;)

Johnboy said...

I recently fell head over heals for a woman I work with who turned out to be a playette, that is what I would consider to be a 'bad result' ha ha!  What a nightmare.  2 previous comments posted that really rang true  - 

"What generally happens is that you meet someone charming and then find yourself asking "What just happened here?""One of the main things I look for when trying to determine if a person is a player (or someone to be avoided) is consistency between word and deed."

Anyway I would like to say I think there is a big difference between male and female players.  Male players are very good at picking up women and are all about getting laid, female players are all about getting needs met, either emotional or physical.  In fact it is my understanding that female players are actually quite hard to get in the sack because they have so much 'game' most guys will strike out.  I guess there are always variations and some playettes will sleep around, but in my experience most of them are just masters at leading guys on and getting attention without having to commit in any way.  The fact that 9/10 women who turn into players do so because of previous relationship heartbreak or betrayal, would back the fact they are hard to sleep with, because they are much more guarded, hence all the 'game playing'.  I know girls who shamelessly flirt and lead guys on to get free drinks all night, even if they aren't attracted to the guy at all, they are players, just because they are trying to get money/drinks instead of sex doesn't mean they aren't.  It's about manipulating somebody's feelings in order to get something from them, even if it's nothing more than attention to make them feel better about themselves.  
The only guy friend I know who claims to be a player is easily the most insecure guy I know, for him everything is about proving how he's better than others, he's very cocky but anything said back to him gets him very upset.  Because if his massive insecurities he just needs to be adored by as many people as possible, hence manipulating people to get that adoration.
As for the woman I fell for, I guess because I had love goggles on I always made excuses for some of her behaviour,  she seemed so down to earth and understanding, then she started full on gaming me and I woke up and realised. I called her on it but all she said was how she 'only ever slept with boyfriends'.  Probably true, but she also is leading on dozens of guys in a way that goes beyond playful flirting.  She has one of her 'guy friends' buying her car off of her LOL.  She is stunningly beautiful so can get away with being this way I suppose, I can guarantee no one has ever turned around and called her out on her playing like I did, they all just get played and cling on hoping she'll go back to them.
Anyway those are some of my thoughts, as for dating a player? LOL  Well as Remo Gaggi says in the film casino "Why take a chance?  At least that's the way I feel about it."

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails