Wednesday, November 02, 2011

The 90 days, no cocoa rule - A Bougie Bachelor Chronicle

A week or so ago, David's friend Shawn (okay, I claim him too) stormed into Jayme's house clearly furious, flummoxed and frustrated. He got a drink and then started pacing back in forth in front of the counter where the snacks were placed thereby making the rest of us furious, flummoxed and frustrated as well.  Mr. Shawn is the type who has to build up to his disclosures in his own way. If you try and force him to talk before he's ready, he shuts down. So we moved the snacks and let him stew for a little while.

Finally, he slammed his drink down on the counter and points a finger over to where Jayme, Annette and I are hovered over the guacamole. "This chick has put a 90-day padlock on the punanny. A time release lockbox. Who does that after the age of 30? Seriously, who does that?"

He continued, "What is the point of a b.s. rule like that when she is doing just about everything else? This chick has been naked, wide open on my bed doing-"

"Okay!" Jayme put her hand up. "Let's keep the details hazy. Let's pretend we're back in high school and say she's covered first, second and third base..." Shawn made a rolling motion with his hands, "third base plus some additional real estate and is just not letting you slide into home?"

"Exactly."

"Is she a virgin?" Wes asked.

"Most assuredly not." Shawn answered.

"Wait, so she's letting you uh, taste the cocoa but not stir it?" Jay asked.

"Right."

"And she's uh, licking the spoon?" Jay followed up.

"With enthusiasm."

"That's some high school college shiggity right there." JohnK said.

"Well what does she say?" I asked.

"She said she does not sleep with men without knowing them for ninety days because she doesn't want to make that kind of investment unless there's something real there." Shawn made the air quotes around "real".

Trey asked. "Women still have those rules? I thought they went out with the old millennium."

"Nope. They still have them." David shot me a look. So now all eyes were on me.

"Okay, wait a minute. I do have a 90-day No Cocoa rule but 1) I'm not a tease about it and 2) It's not a hard and fast rule." In other words, I've broken that rule under... duress. 

Owen shook his head. "No, it sounds slow and soft... and dry if we're really getting down to the nitty gritty."

Jayme rolled her eyes. "Some women want to hold off on physical intimacy until the emotional connection is there."

"I just like to know a guy mentally before I know him biblically." I shrugged.

"I thought that was rule was for three dates." Jay said.

"Whatever the time limit," I said, "it's not supposed to be just to torture the guy. However, in this case she appears to be doing a whole lot. If you get into bed naked with a guy and then pull up at the last minute, that's just rude."

Shawn said, "It goes beyond rude. It's immature and another term that I'll hold off on using."

JohnK said, "If she really wanted to keep the physical and emotional intimacy aligned, she wouldn't be dropping drawers and then snatching them up like she is. It's a power thing. She wants to keep you hungry so she's making all the rules."

Shawn added. "It's too bad because before she started playing all these silly-assed games, I kinda liked her."

Joy asked. 'Wait, so you don't like her any more? Are you just hanging in to get the cocoa and then you're done?"

He looked uncomfortable. "I wouldn't say that per se..."

Jay took up for his boy. "Isn't she kind of setting herself up for this? I'll bet she's got a string of 91 or 92 day relationships in her past."

This sparked a discussion amongst the men about how women play games with the hot & bubbly and really need to quit all of that. Then they remembered that we were standing right there and got quiet. 

Annette, who is always the quiet soft-spoken one said. "I'd call her ass on it. She may want to keep you hungry but there are plenty of other women who will feed you without all the drama. I'm not saying tell her to put up or shut up, I'm just saying you need to ask her what's the point of holding onto the vajayjay when she's giving up everything else? Like something magical goes down between day 89 and 90? I mean, when it's right, it's right. Nine days, 30 days, six months, whatever."

"Six months!" Most of the men said in unison. And then the conversation took another turn.

BougieLand, what do we think of cocoa time release rules? Ladies, fellas? Do you believe in them? Practice them? Who is a three-date all systems go person? And in this specific case - is girlie doing too much? Is she setting herself up to be dumped on day 91? Thoughts, comments, insights?

377 comments:

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David Parrish, Jr.(Inkognegro) said...

shakes Fist....UMBRAGE!!! OUTRAGE!!!!  OHHHH THE HUMANITY!!!!

Gentlemen?

If a woman opens by discussing just what will happen and when, and you don't like said timetable...why are you testing said timeline?  if you know no runs will be allowed until the game starts why are you running the bases during batting practice? 

more importantly WHY ARE YOU WHINING ABOUT IT????

She TOLD you what she wanted. why are you pushing the envelope? Is the cocoa...HER cocoa that important to you? 

And they say curiosity kills the cat....

Ordinarily I'd let this kinda rehashed "Why can't i have it my way" queries go, but there was just something extra Umbrageish about this particular dog and pony show. 

I'll return to my seat in the rafters. 

CreoleSoul said...

If she has release protocols, more power to her.   It doesn't really move me or matter to me either way.

If it's all about sex for me, I'm not pressed about it because she wouldn't be the only potential on the roster.  If  I wanted something more involved, I wouldn't be pushing for immediate sex. In either instance, I employ the "how far can I take this" methodology, and that has a 60% "she'll break her rule anyway" success rate.  I'm good.

Jubi The Great said...

I don't do the arbitrary length of time for cocoa - it doesn't work for me given my outlook on life, sexuality, etc. But I don't knock those who do. However, old girl in the scenario is doing way too much. If she really wants to wait for sexual intimacy, then why do everything but let him put the stirrer in the cocoa? Aren't the acts for 1st, 2nd & 3rd base just as intimate? So why are those ok but homeplate requires 90 days?

NoNotPinkett said...

She TOLD you what she wanted. why are you pushing the envelope? Exactly. I don't like the idea of testing a rule someone makes for themselves. It'd be the same if a person says, "I'm not ready for a relationship (with you)." This woman's saying, "I'm not ready for cocoa (with you)." It's her choice to make. Of course, I also don't buy into the idea of someone being a "tease". The teased party can just...walk away.

Sol_dier said...

If she's not ready, she's not ready. - If you don't want to wait, I guess then don't. 

I've never had a '3 date' rule, but I do have the 'I want to at least be sure that we are 'speaking the same cocoa language' and I like long courtships with flirting, intensity and real eagerness thrown in.
It's not about power for me, more like.. getting to know you mentally & I suppose testing the heat. 

Miz JJ said...

LMAO. She's everything, but stir the coca girl. He should just break up with her. She seems to like rules & tests and he seems to dislike those things. He should find a grown-up woman to date.

HD said...

I think Shawn was acting a little immaturely by just storming into the house and attacking his gf over something that seems so trivial. It seems he might really just want Jayme for sex. What's wrong with waiting 90 days for that? I know she seems to be teasing him, but still. Sex shouldn't play such a big role in a relationship and if Shawn feels the way he does, perhaps he should seek someone else.

Brandon St.Randy said...

I don't speak for all men here, but I don't really have a problem with what she's doing. All that policing of other folks' va-jay-jays ain't for me. She clearly presented upfront that she had a timeframe, and buddy, I assume accepted this and continued kicking it with her. Whether or not he accepted with the belief that he was going to get her to break it may be a different story. In terms of the "everything but," that actually sounds like she's willing to go the extra mile to have some manner of sexual relationship with him without actually having sex. And I'm confused by his frustration if she is in fact, "licking the spoon" enthusiastically. Unless she's just wildly unskilled, or stops at that inopportune moment right before the denouement, buddy should be mad satisfied in the meanwhile, and looking forward to day 90 when she really busts it all the way open. Mazeltov.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Nope, I'm sorry. Shawn is a ratchety McRatched for hanging on for some cocoa. If he isn't feeling her game playin', then he is more than welcome to find someone who will let him slide into home. Hanging around just to get another notch on his belt is so high school and we are SUPPOSED to be off that *laser beam side eye*

Anywho, girlie is doing waaaaayyy to much and being a jerk. If there's no cocoa, then there is no cocoa or cocoa-prep activities. Ain't no way you can justify heating up the milk; setting out the mugs; mixing in the dutch chocolate powder; topping with whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles, and salted caramel; and then letting the mugs get cold on the counter. And doing that over and over again? No ma'am.

I'm all for cocoa release rules.  I live in a metro area w/ a high AIDS rate. No way I"m getting busy w/ a dude without a certified copy of his clean test results.  And there will be no cocoa prep w/o that either, because that can lead to creepy crawlies that penicillin can't cure.

I don't have a hard and fast rule, but it is longer than three dates.  I usually wait until I'm completely comfortable taking that risk and I feel that the person and I are on the same page with regard to our dating/relationship.

Veronica Miller said...

Okay, I get the "If-you-don't-like-the-rules-get-up-and-go" thing. I do. But sweetheart is acting like a straight up TEENAGER! Remember, when it was cool to ALMOST "go all the way" but not go all the way? No? Just me? Okay, whatever. 

But yeah, teasing went out with taffetta homecoming dresses. PLEASE be a woman about your relations and decide whether you want to go there or not -- not this naked dancing on the fence. That is SO rude and immature to me. Sidebar, I have a close friend who went through the same thing with his last girlfriend -- they were together for maybe not quite a year, and she was down for everything BUT stirring the cocoa, which frustrated him and made their break-up much easier (for him at least) in the end. I like to get to a know a man before I even let him know where I live, let along play nekkid Twister and cocoa sipping with him. So, agreed with JohnK, she's playing games and thinking it's cute. (Reminds of women I've heard talk about playing "Just the !!!"... girl, what? Get ALL the way out of here.) I need to be comfortable with a man before I even think about kissing him, so all this "I'ma sip your cocoa but I'ma still make you wait because l still need to get to know you" sounds like B.S. to me.Anyway... I personally don't have any hard and fast rule. It simply happens when (and if) I want it to happen. I also don't think arbitrary cocoa rules guarantee any relationship, so I kinda find them pointless. I actually have a friend for whom sexually compatibility is highly important, so she's like, "I actually need to get the cocoa out of the way so I know whether or not I even want to proceed." (And I'll say it worked f or her -- she has a VERY fine man with whom she just had her second child. Oh, and no, she ain't a "hoe that got chose.")Ugh! Long comment. But I guess nothing annoys me more than a woman who won't own her sexuality and be real about her intentions. 91 day relationships indeed. But I venture that another part of this conversation is that a lot of these "rules" exist because women feel men will judge them if they didn't.... whole 'nother convo....

MsJamie14 said...

Hmmm... well there is nothing wrong with wanting to wait. Sex is and emotional game changer for many women. If you don't want stalkers and boiled bunnies, it's best a guy respect that.

However, I don't agree with putting a firm time limit on it, because every guy and relationship is different. There are guys who pull their walls down and build up trust early, and others that will take longer. If you're gonna wait til you see (what you feel is) his true character, you can't put a set time limit on when that will happen. Which is why I also think it's foolish to announce your timeline. It really serves no purpose. When you're ready, you're ready.

That being said, doing "everything but" will get your behind dropped. If you don't want mixed messages from your mate, why would you turn around and do the same? Pick your side of the fence and stay on it, til you're completely ready to cross over to the other side.

Veronica Miller said...

"Nope, I'm sorry. Shawn is a ratchety McRatched for hanging on for some cocoa. "
That too.

Veronica Miller said...

Hmm. Interesting take.

OneChele said...

Sorry, I assume everyone knows who's who.
Jayme is married to Owen.
Shawn's girlfriend was not in the house.

Veronica Miller said...

Uh, sex does play a big role in relationships. That's why it's just as important to find someone who is sexually compatible (do you want cocoa every day? Twice a week? Once a month? Never and we just cuddle?) as it is to find someone who's emotionally compatible, intellectually compatible, etc.

blackprofessor said...

Dead at ratchety McRatched!

thinklikeRiley said...

Imma go with Two Wrongs don't Make A Right for $1000, Alex.
Not to knock a Bougie Bruh but Shawn's clearly used to getting what he wants when he wants it.
90-day girl is playing that "Let me blow ya mind and make you want me" steez
Riley think both would be better served by finding different playmates.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Ha! Cheers to you for using denouement!

In terms of the "everything but," that actually sounds like she's willing to go the extra mile to have some manner of sexual relationship with him without actually having sex.

Hmm hadn't thought of it this way. Two sides to every story.

C Nelson said...

I was going to say just that. In fact, I suspect she's at least partially doing "everything but" because she knows 90 days is a long time for a guy to wait, and the aim is to give him some satisfaction till they get to the point where she's comfortable.  I'm sure there are some men who'd appreciate that kindness; too bad she hasn't found one of them this time.

Pure Choco said...

I'm of the mind that licking the spoon is pretty damn intimate, that's not casual for me. So she's doing all of that and then saying Wait? She's losing. And she is setting herself up to be played.

I don't do rules. I do what feels right to me. Either my dude is on board or he's not my dude.

Sol_dier said...

Nah mate. I respectfully disagree with this.
The fact that I'm not yet ready to have the whole cocoa experience doesn't mean that I'm not ready for a cocoa lite. 
It has nothing to do with maturity and everything to do with what the person is personally comfortable with and that comfort should be her or his timetable. 

If the shoe was on the other foot and a guy just wasn't ready to go all out, would we be calling it immaturity?. no. He's just not ready. either you understand that and walk or you stay and call the other person names. 

And she is owning her sexuality, she is deciding when she is ready enough to go all out. For some people its when the feeling moves them, for HER it is 90 days, if she felt a lil more moved maybe she'd relax it. 

blackprofessor said...

Wow!  I see two sides to this story. 

1st side - Girlfriend is doing too much! If she wants to wait before being intimate, she shouldn't go almost all the way with a man, it is confusing at best and misleading at worst.  If nothing else, she is conveying to Shawn that her words and deeds aren't in alignment.  He needs to trust that her words are legit and that she is who she says she is.  Unfortunately, I did something similar in a previous relationship and learned the hard way that your words and deeds need to be consistent in every aspect of a relationship. 

2nd side - Does Shawn really like this woman and want to get to know her?  If so, then quit complaining about the time limit, quit the escalated bedroom activities, get to know her outside of the bedroom, and wait for her to feel comfortable.  I agree with Annette that you should call her on her behavior but you need to make a decision for yourself regarding this issue and stick to it.  If Shawn doesn't really like her, then keep it moving and look for someone who will stir the cocoa within a time limit that you can live with.

NY2VA said...

I call bullshiggidy on homegirl.  As a woman, I believe that you cannot and should not expect to have it both ways.  You are either serving cocoa or you aren't.  Sista girl said she wasn't serving but clearly mixed a batch so that he could smell the aroma.  Then she poured a sip so that he could get a taste.  then she poured him damn near a full mug and abruptly snatched it back.  All of this behavior is misleading to say the very least.  Her words and actions do not match.  She said that she wants to wait to be sexually intimate, but from where I'm sitting it looks like plenty of sexual intimacy has already occurred.  We are not in the 8th grade.  At this point in our lives, sexual intimacy is part of an implied bundle.  That ish should not come a la carte, unless otherwise specified.  So if homegirl had said from the get go, "I don't have intercourse until after 90 days, but everything else is fair game," then Shawn would have had his mind right and there would be no teasing... no guessing games.  He could have made more informed choices when the cocoa was first presented.

Bottom line here, rules ain't sh*t unless they are clear and there seems to be all manner of ambiguity going on here.  I think we need to take this to the Cocoa Competition Committee for serious review.

Veronica Miller said...

We can agree to disagree. I see "cocoa lite" to be just as intimate as cocoa itself, so I never understood drawing that line in the sand.

keishabrown said...

1st of all.. imma need BET to script your convos and air it on a weekly basis. DWL @ this entire exchange.

similar to yesterdays post, these kinds of mixed messages and games are the reasons why we can't get past being more than just our bodies. especially when we use them as weapons, not only against the dudes but ourselves. (i wont eeeeven pretend that i have that kind of braking system). 

this girl has read too much steve harvey and not enough blacknbougie. do what you feel you must - it's her body. but play with fire.. expect fi get bun. 

as for the dude - i'd also call her on it. many women accuse men of playing games, but are so quick to play victim. she might call him an a**, just in it for a** - but she's making it about that more than he is. 

if you feel like you have to play games to keep a guy interested - expect to lose. and is this really the type of chick he wants? probably not. 

taut_7 said...

-_-

NY2VA said...

I'm of the mind that licking the spoon is pretty damn intimate, that's not casual for me.
That's what I'm saying...

CaliGirlED said...

*applauds*

keishabrown said...

But I guess nothing annoys me more than a woman who won't own her sexuality and be real about her intentions. 91 day relationships indeed. But I venture that another part of this conversation is that a lot of these "rules" exist because women feel men will judge them if they didn't
+1. 

Veronica Miller said...

A la carte! LOL!

CaliGirlED said...

Will you donate your brain to science?

Veronica Miller said...

Hahahahaha.

OSHH said...

Wow....her logic is incredible.
I wouldn't be doing anything sexual if my intentions were to slow walk and get to know the person as a human being and possible friend first.
This brawd is confused!

SingLikeSassy said...

I'm slow on the booty roll cause I know that I can't separate my heart from my vjj. And that can make for problems if we aren't both in the same head space. *snicker*

But to ANNOUNCE that you have a 90-day rule is silly. And if you know you need to wait, then keep your hands -- and deadlines -- to yourself. Just stay chaste. Maybe show a little ankle and a swish of petticoat, but you can't be going all the way to the guzzlestrang then pulling up and clutching pearls talmbout, "I can't. No. No. I can't. Ninety days."  That sends mixed messages and really, who wants to be with someone who plays these kind of bedroom games?

Veronica Miller said...

Petticoat! Lol.

Brandon St.Randy said...

Also, there's no future for this relationship. He basically threw her under the bus in front of a bunch of his friends. Not on some "help me deal with an issue that I'm encountering in my relationship" but on some "look at what this simple b***h be doing, y'all." Meaning he doesn't respect her rationale and point of view on sexuality and he doesn't respect her enough to keep their bedroom antics at least somewhat discreet. Day 91, he's gone. 

Sol_dier said...

:) cool 
You are quite right though, cocoa lie can be just as intimate. The point is she just ain't ready for the whole thing yet. Her pace, her comfort level.  She has decided that this is what works for her, thats just as much taking ownership of your sexuality as deciding to sleep with dude on day 1.

Neither of the scenarios guarentees a relationship but it guarentees that you did what you felt was right for you and not what the crowd thinks you should do

NY2VA said...

The only way I can co-sign cocoa lite is if it is stated up front.  I agree that we can have the freedom to efine our own sexuality, but I believe we must do it explicitly from the outset.   If an individual  clearly states,  "I don't do intercourse, but there are all kinds of other ways we can enjoy ourselves until I'm ready for that.  Let's explore being intimate without intercourse," then there is no issue.  However, leading a person on, bending rules, and re-interpreting definitions is not fair.  

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Since Disqus won't let me be great and edit my friggin comment, I'll add this amendment.

Girlie is not being a jerk because she is stopping short of PIV intercourse. She is being a jerk because she didn't communicate this to Shawn, and she is continuing in this fashion after knowing how poorly he is handling the situation. He is not owed cocoa simply because he got a glimpse, sniff, or sip.  The adult thing would have been to have a conversation about this, and then either roll back the cocoa games, reassess the timetable, or part ways. Both of them need to have a stadium of seats for this nonsense.

C Nelson said...

So ... when she presumably told him up front there was going to be no cocoa for 90 days, did he just not believe her? Was he convinced he was going to change her mind? I'm not seeing where he could not have exited this situation much earlier if he had wanted to. Since he didn't choose to do that, there must have been something in it that was working for him. He's allowed to change his mind on that. What he's not allowed to do is make out like she was misleading him if he walked in with his eyes wide open.

Sol_dier said...

I thought she did. Isn't that why he knows there is a 90day lockdown? and not just a 'lockdown' everyday he tries it on?

MsJamie14 said...

And for all those men who exclaimed "6 months!" Yes, sometimes it's six months (or longer).

Especially, if you spend the first 5 months acting like an entitled brat or a donkey's behind. You should continue to seek out the low hanging fruit to get yours. LOL

NY2VA said...

" it's her body. but play with fire.. expect fi get bun. "

Keep snatching full mugs of hot cocoa from a nucka. Somebody gon get scalded.  Be laid up in the burn unit looking dumb, talmbout, "What happened?"

Sol_dier said...

I don't get it.
It doesn't have to be black or white. They are obviously at the beginning stages. She has a comfort level. She doesn't want to go all the way, but there are other aspects of cocoa she is willing to indulge in.

I find it highly dictatorial to tell people that they can't play unless they play all the way. Nah, I can't agree with that.

I'm really finding this a little hard to believe that people are beating this woman up because she won't go all the way, but is willing to give more than nothing. 

SingLikeSassy said...

I'd like to know when she revealed this 90-day schedule. Cause I got the impression it was during, um, activities, which I think is wrong. And may have sent mixed messages, i.e., my mouth is saying one thing and doing another. *snicker*

Other posters seem to be suggesting everybody's feet were on the ground and clothes on when this was discussed giving him a chance to say, "I'm sorry this doesn't work for me" before all the other funtime activities occurred and got him all frustrated.

But yes, I agree that either way, he should have left her alone when she revealed her hard deadline since it obviously doesn't work for him.

Sol_dier said...

Maybe he thought : 'she hasn't tried me'. 

I don't get the calling her immature because amongst other things she's not following a '3 date rule' or is willing to do other things.
the more I read this, the more unsavoury it seems. 

Sol_dier said...

yep

ShawnSoze said...

Honestly, I don't mind being the bad guy/asshole on this one. But I will answer some of the questions from below. She didn't come out the gate with the 90-day rule. She waited until a few weeks in when she was um - stopping short and I asked her what was up. All Nekky McNekkid, go time and then - flag on the play. It was at this time she explained her 90-day rule and added, "But you can try and change my mind." What kind of foolishness is that? It's either yes or no. Or am I missing something?

NY2VA said...

It's not that she won't.  It's that she is not clear in her intentions.  Here is an example of what I mean. Follow me if you will.

A teenager has a curfew of midnight.  First couple of weekends, kid comes in at midnight on the dot.  Next couple of weekends, kid comes in at 12:10 and parents don't mention anything.  Next couple of weekends, kid comes in at 12:15 and parents don't say anything.  Next couple of weekends, kid comes in at 12: 19 and parents don't say anything.  Next weekend kid comes in at 12:25 and  all hell breaks loose.  Why? Because the rule was broken.  Thing is the rule was broken a long time ago but the parents didn't seem to mind.  To the teen, the rule was not hard and fast, so he pushed it until he pushed too far and then he got in trouble.  I blame the parent for leaving out part of the rules.  There was an unspoken 20 minute grace period to which the kid was being held accountable, but was unaware.  If there is a grace period, be clear.  

If the boundaries are not totally rigid, be clear.  Let people know EXACTLY what is off the table.  Don't say you don't want to be intimate and then be intimate.  Communicate just how intimate you are willing to be and continue to communicate along the way if things change.  Guessing games are not cool.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

The way I read/interpreted it, she said there was a 90 lockdown, Shawn pushed the boundaries, they engaged in cocoa lite, he wanted to go further and she said "sorry buddy, 90 day lockdown".  It's just a 30+ plus version of "just the tip... well since i'm partially in...."

Lady Ngo said...

"Wait, so she's letting you uh, taste the cocoa but not stir it?" Jay asked. "Right." "And she's uh, licking the spoon?" Jay followed up. "With enthusiasm."
It took me about 5 minutes just to get past this^^^ lol. Brilliance!

Anywho, I don't see anything wrong with having a "time release" rule per se. Just because i said im interested in you doesn't mean you immediately have access to my goodies whenever the hell you want. GTFOHWTBS. But i don't believe in a hard-n-fast (no pun intended...ok maybe slightly lol) rule Joan Clayton style. Whenever the time is right, is when i'd make that move. 
As for old girl, 90-day rule aside, we don't know what her motive is. Just because we look at oral proclivities as a tease doesn't mean she sees it that way. Maybe she just didn't articulate her view point properly. And even if she did, if old boy has a problem with only getting orally served then he needs to have a discussion with her about it instead of going and b*tching to his friends about not getting the cocoa on his time. If anything, he's the one being immature in my opinion.

Sol_dier said...

Would it matter if she was nekkid and hovering over it?. or stops at the most inopportune moment for the guy?

What if, they go out for dinner, go back to the house for coffee, she thinks this will just be some kissing and stuff and I'll be able to stop it before long.
Turns out Shawn is some hot stuff and before she knows it, she is further along than she thought, then she snaps back to reality and goes, oh no can't do it. He asks why, she tells him. 

C'est Possible?
Maybe she never intended to tell him just play it slow and steady, but she lost her cool and had to tell him why she couldn't go all the way?. 

SingLikeSassy said...

"But you can try and change my mind." <--I wonder how this has been working out for her?

Sol_dier said...

In which case: She is being a jerk because she didn't communicate this to Shawn doesn't hold true.
Cos she would have indicated it prior to attempts at the horizontal mambo (I figured I'd dig up some old school slang)

Anyway, who knows how this will end, I need tea (its the answer to all issues)

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

You didn't know that women are the only ones responsible for sexual respectability? That men can't be burdened with policing their own sexual behavior? /snark

I'm not mad at her for her decisions, I just think the execution was piss poor. Especially since Shawn has probably been throwing tantrums since he started testing her boundaries.  Rule #1 with dealing with tantrums is to not indulge the tantrum thrower. Actually, that's rule #2. Rule #1 is to make the boundaries bright neon lines so everyone is clear and to stick to them.

Bonita Applebum said...

1. It sounds like the read the chapter list of Steve Harvey's Think Like A Man and just ran with it.  This is how I see it:  You have a hungry dog chained to a tree. Every day you set out a nice, juicy T-Bone steak, just out of it's reach. It's damn near trying to break the chain.  After X number of days, you set the steak out and unchain the dog. Dog attacks the steak.  Stuffs himself.  Satisfied. What then?  Will he stick around to get more steak?  Eh, maybe. Or he might think he got what he wanted and just try to find some place that's more free with the meal.

Point is this:  A 90 Day Rule really means nothing if you don't stick to it on all sides.  A time limit without meaning is pointless.  But if you have a X number of days rule PLUS some other connections you need, THEN you really have something worthwhile.

2. It seems like she just pulled out the rule last minute on Shawn.  Like, he thought he was finally gonna go all the way and she broke it out on him.  However, if she said that upfront, that's all on Shawn. 

Listen people: The only person who can change someone's mind is that person.  Doesn't matter what you do.  If they're looking for a reason to change it, you may assist in it, but if it's made up, it's made up. Just chill with that.

Sol_dier said...

lol...  at the 'just the tip' memories

NoNotPinkett said...

“This chick has put a 90-day padlock on the punanny.” “…she doesn't want to make that kind of investment unless there's something real there.” Shawn made the air quotes around “real”… [On hanging around for cocoa:] He looked uncomfortable. “I wouldn't say that per se...”Respect is not the watchword here. Say she did get invited to a get-together. If she knew this was the advance press, just…whoa. It seems to have started with an end date, so there’s no loss. The potential’s dead; the argument’s just academic.

Veronica Miller said...

It's not about telling her whether or not she should play all the way. She can play whatever way she likes.  It's about her sending mixed messages to, or not discussing the rules of engagement with the other person involved. That's the childish part.

NY2VA said...

She waited until a few weeks in when she was um - stopping short and I asked her what was up. All Nekky McNekkid, go time and then - flag on the play. It was at this time she explained her 90-day rule and added, "But you can try and change my mind.
I. REST. MY. CASE.

This is EXACTLY the bullsh*t I've been talking about upthread.  Shawn, my brother, as far as I'm concerned, you are not an *sshole or a bad guy.  You are the victim of ambiguous shenanigans.  If we were in undergrad, me and my girls would definitely have to have a word with her.  

SingLikeSassy said...

It matters cause we are adults and not children and if you're rolling around with a man you have to know he MAY expect to stir cocoa. Be CLEAR about your intentions and expectations and then there is no confusion.

NY2VA said...

Keep your frock down, your cotton stockings up, and your legs crossed daintily at the ankles. 

Brandon St.Randy said...

Upon further review, the determination on the field is unnecessary bulls**t by #69, Nekky McNekkid. There is also a flag for sexual entrapment and mixed signals. The penalty is immediate ejection.

But seriously, she's also playing a very dangerous game involving consent which she's drawing you into.

Sol_dier said...

She was clear. Full sex, is off the table, most other things go.

At what point do you introduce the convo? First date, when you are not sure if there will be date 2?
Date 2? during the main course at the restuarant?
Date 3, when he invites you up for coffee and you think oh we might just kiss and stuff but then you get carried away?
I mean it seems most people are saying, you can't get carried away and if you do, you have to just go all the way whether you want to or not, because that is what is expected.

*I could be misinterpreting your pov, if so my bad and I stand corrected*

MsJamie14 said...

Right. I knew we were spot on when we called the mixed message behavior.

Look. You have a right to flip the go switch whenever you darn well please. However, if your mouth is saying one thing, yet doing something completely different... please don't mind the tire skids in your driveway. Consistancy, please.

Veronica Miller said...

' It was at this time she explained her 90-day rule and added, "But you can try and change my mind."'Flag on the COT DAMN play. Woman.... UGH.(You still get the side-eye tho for tryna "stick" around tho.)

NY2VA said...

*Reminisces on "just the tip" times*

NatashaHunter said...

I wonder if they discussed doing all that foreplay or is it a case of Shawn continuously trying and then she pulls the "Stop, No, Don't"?  If they agreed to do all but the deed, he really should be quiet, but if he is trying and then she keeps letting him get that far, they prolly need to batten down the hatches because it doesn't really sound like it's working out as intended...

OAN:   

"Please baby, pleasebaby, please baby, baby baby please!" ~ Mars Blackmon

CaliGirlED said...

This just has me shaking my head so much I need to stop before I get a migraine! Let me start with what I have  told my teenage daughter. Sex is sex, oral, anal, vaginal, it's all SEX!

Old girl is delusional because you can't get more intimate in the sexual arena than putting your mouth on a man's private part! Giving head but not having intercourse is some new age bulls**t that needs to STOP!!!

Shawn this could be one of two things with you: 1) She verbally or physically insinuated that there was a possibility of some kind of sex taking place (i.e. flirting, talking dirty, touching & feeling) or 2) You assumed because (as Riley stated) you always get what you want you would be able to talk her into breaking her rule.

Either way (in my Katt voice), there is so much fuckery, foolishness and heauxnanigans that have taken place here, there is no way in all of hell that you two can have a relationship! And if you stay to stir the cocoa, you are definitely going to bounce afterward,  whether it's before the 90 days or not. Why? Because you have lost respect for her and in your mind she's just another silly rabbit playing tricks.

GuessImJay said...

I don't like sex games. Wait. Let me rephrase that.
I don't like when people play "now you see it, now you don't" games with sex or use it as some sort of power play. It's like cheating at Poker - the game is ruined and no one really enjoys themselves.

Sol_dier said...

Again, what is the mixed message.

She says, I ain't doing the whole cocoa thing, I do cocoa lite. 
That is very clear to me.

Veronica Miller said...

And THAT.

Sol_dier said...

*eats just_a_thoughts's snark for a late snack* lol.
But just incase, nope. The longer we perpetuate that, the more it stays around. 

None of us are automatons. I don't care when it is you express it. Your body, your rules. 

maureen said...

Shawn  is getting  "side eye* on this one. He knew the 90 day rule was in place but  continued receiving the side dishes with hope that he could slide his way  in (pause).

Sol_dier said...

thumb up to brandon & nonotpinkett

SingLikeSassy said...

Look, I know more than one woman who was date raped behind some yes, no, stop, go, yes, no behavior. This is why I don't get into hot and bothered situations with men if I don't plan to go all the way and I think women shouldn't play these dangerous ass games with their bodies.

NY2VA said...

Shawn has posted below EXACTLY how it went down.  It was exactly as I suspected, total lack of clarity.  Check out what he said.  I'm curious to know what you think.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Aww hayle, can't defend her on this one with that "You can try to change my mind" BS.  All the ish I do in working with teens teaching about enthusiastic consent and respecting boundaries, and here adults are playing unnecessary games! Burns my grits. You sir, need to find another. Too many people on this lovely Earth for that kind of headache.

CaliGirlED said...

And this is why I gave you the benefit of the doubt and didn't call you out in my comment. Hence my #1 statement to you.

This is the kind of shit (excuse me Chele) that gets women....let me stop here because now I'm fumin!!!

Shawn WALK AWAY!!! You think your ex pulled some bullshiggity at dinner with the Bougie Crew, you ain't seen nothin yet, keep playin!

maureen said...

My apologies, I thought this was something discussed prior to attempting to stir cocoa.

OneChele said...

Thank you for bringing up this point. To me, one of the WORST things a woman can do is to say no and mean yes. It puts all of us in dangerous situations. Some knucklehead is going to think this is gospel and go too damn far.

Telling a man to try and change your mind is some high school b.s. used solely for the purpose of abdicating responsibility and ownership of what she clearly wants to do.She needs to woman up and either do it or walk away. He needs to man up and walk away. Plenty of other cocoa in da streetz.

Johnny_Lollipop said...

Why are you even bothering with her?  In this situation your behavior is no different than what men try and call women out on all the time regarding us getting mixed messages when men say "I don't want a relationship", but the men continue to engage in relationship type behavior.  Things don't add up in those scenarios and things don't add up in this one. 

Move on because this situation is a lost cause.

Sol_dier said...

Wouldn't that be uncouth and presumptuous?
I mean dude hasn't decided if he wants to sleep with you and right out the gate you are just like..
'oh I'm a 90day layaway queen'. 

Pretty Primadonna said...

And another one.  Word.

La said...

Before I go read the comments... she IS playing games. I wholeheartedly agree that you should wait until YOU feel ready or invested or comfortable, whether that takes 9 days, 90 days, or 900. BUT it doesn't sound like this woman is trying to get to know him. It sounds like she is trying to make sure she continues to hold the power. And I'm not sure the type of woman that uses sex as a weapon is the type you really wanna invest 90 days with.

Miz JJ said...

Nobody is forcing anyone to play. I wouldn't like those rules, so I'd pack up my toys and go home. Men say they don't like women who play games, yet...

La said...

Why doesn't she get the same side eye for continuing to hand the side dishes out?

Chance said...

Ok, so is this the same Shawn who let his girlfriend storm out of a restaurant and didn't chase after her but completed his meal? If so, then I have my answer about this scenario. I see that his selfishness and huge sense of entitlement hasn't diminished in the least.

I agreee with those who said that he should just walk away, because he doesn't care about her for real. She may be wrong for not having her actions line up with her words, but Shawn would also be wrong for just getting the cocoa and then leaving. Can you imagine how she will feel if he does that? He will make it next to impossible for another dude (who may actually have her best interests at heart) to get close to her.

Also, does Shawn have to spill all of the sordid details to an ENTIRE group of people? WHO DOES THAT?! I can see talking one or two of your friends about it, but a group? And he's WHINING on top of that? That is so not a good look. How about Shawn do himself and everyone else a favor and just pursue physical relationships, because it is obvious that he is not equipped to be in a monogamous relationship right now.

Andrea M said...

So I'm the only nosy b*tch who wants to know how long Chele made old boy wait?
Yes?
Ooh. Okay.
Moving on. I call bullshiggity as well.

SingLikeSassy said...

No, you can make it clear that you aren't into cocoa outside of monogamous mutually faithful relationships without saying "I HAVE A 90-DAY PLAN." And then you don't sit around teasing and playing with a dude.

Tom Head said...

It sounds like the main purpose of the 90-day rule is to scare off men like Shawn, in which case...mission accomplished, maybe. 

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

While I agree that women need to be clear about what they want, I do not want to go down the road that a woman "dangling" something in front of a man will be the reason he "takes" it from her.

I firmly believe in consent along the way, and the consent can be withdrawn at any point (even during the act, as uncomfortable as that might be).  What I don't agree with is men and women saying nothing, then saying no, then saying "make me say yes."

Jamie Wesley said...

Shawn added. "It's too bad because before she started playing all these silly-assed games, I kinda liked her."




Joy asked. 'Wait, so you don't like her any more? Are you just hanging in to get the cocoa and then you're done?"




He looked uncomfortable. "I wouldn't say that per se..."Follow-up question should have been, "What are you saying then?"She's wrong. Shawn's wrong. Move on.

Sol_dier said...

Giving head but not having intercourse is some new age bulls**t that needs to STOP!!!
CaliGirl you know you my sista across the ocean, but I gotta call you on this.

This is so not newage, people have been doing this for centuries, way back when you the stained sheet was paraded as proof of an 'undamaged woman'
and the stereotype of catholic school girls doing anything but (so they wouldn't be excommunicated) didn't come from no where.
Unfortunately, there was also the issue of certain south American working girls who had to remain chaste but ended up 'working' for a living, they were known for doing the other things way back in the 70's.

It's not new and it ain't going away.
Teenagers experiment, unless you want them to experiment fully, touching and oral sex is what they usually get up to.

CorettaJG said...

Indeed!

BlackButterfly said...

I do have a rule and it is whenever I feel it's right for me and if that doesn't meet that guys requirements then I expect them to own it, speak on it and then we can proceed accordingly. 

I don't have a problem with someone declaring that they have a time frame because they made that decision based on what they want. Now, I call BS on Shawn and the female in question because NEITHER of them started out being honest about their expectations.  But her doing whatever SHE chooses in the sexual intimacy department doesn't entitle Shawn to have more than she is willing to give.  If he wasn't for it he could have told her that and bounced when she informed him of her rule after the" tasting".  But he continued dating her because he was playing a game of his own as well trying to see if he could get what HE wanted by getting her to break her rule.  No whining when you are not "winning" the way you want to be.  Just pack your stuff and go home.

CorettaJG said...

Exactly!

Sol_dier said...

will do. :)

NY2VA said...

This is the kind of shit (excuse me Chele) that gets women....let me stop here because now I'm fumin!!!
As a mother of a son, I feel the same way!  When the time come comes, my husband and I will EXPLICITLY school him on this part of the game.  We have to prepare our boys so that they don't end up catching charges because they were confused.  If the rules aren't clear, do NOT engage.

Sol_dier said...

interesting.

La said...

This is why I think she is full of it. Because if this rule was really valuable to her and she was trying to get to know you and gauge what your future could be, there would be no "changing her mind." She would be too invested in what you could be.

Also, I offer up this... I have a friend. She often says something along these lines to men. From my POV the reason is twofold; #1 she loves the thrill of being so desired. #2 when things finally do happen, she always claims he "seduced her", essentially (in her mind) absolving her from any judgement about when/where/how/how soon the deed got done. It's her way of giving out the cocoa but side stepping the judgement and guilt that may come with it based on circumstances. I call BS because I'm grown and don't have time for that type of thing, lol. But maybe this woman is the same way.

SingLikeSassy said...

And then she said, "you can try to change my mind" which suggested the rule was not a hard line in the sand after all.

NatashaHunter said...

"However, if your mouth is saying one thing, yet doing something completely different..."

*GUFFAWS* 

CorettaJG said...

Good post!

Earthangel172 said...

This thread is going to be EPIC today!

::runs to pop some popcorn::

I would have more respect for this chick if she was serious about her own rule. There is nothing wrong with holding out a little until a solid connection is established. However, I don't think that any man who waits on the punanny is guaranteed to stay once fluids have been exchanged...IJS!

If I had a ninety day rule (and I don't), I would not put myself in a position where sex could come into play. No late night recaps, no petting; none of that should be going on. And please excuse my frankness but if you taste the cocoa (and it's good), you don't even have to ask me if I'm ready...LMAO!

Shawn, cut your losses and move on.

La said...

It matters, definitely. I think if we are all honest, we have all gotten caught up in the moment once or twice. BUT that happens with a person ONCE. It goes too far ONCE before you realize you can't stop yourself. You don't keep going back for more. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but this sounds like it has happened on more than one occassion.

Sol_dier said...

so we both painted a part of this scenario.
I don't see any problem with her not saying in 2weeks that I have a plan. heck in 2 weeks I'm still trying to decide if I like you. Some how 'heat gets heat', she pulls the plug - still no problem for me.
She says what she normally does, then she says you can try to change my mind  - this bit I don't like. but so what she's being weak. Flesh sometimes is.


Shawn doesn't like it. rightly so. If I were him, I'd chuck the deuces. 
Its an admittance that she wants to break her rule without taken responsibility for it. I don't play that. 
If you want to break your own rule, do it. You don't have to convince yourself someone else made you do it.

Slimuel L. Jackson said...

Wait. If I'm reading this scenario right, it looks like he is getting the suckles. He should be happy he's getting the suckles. It's not like she's leaving him with completely dry nuts time after time...unless she stops right before release and turns his joint aqua blue. Or maybe he's 1 of those guys that doesn't "get there" off the swivel neck in which case I see the frustration.

As foolish as the ninety day rule may be, if that's her prerogative then that's her prerogative. She doesn't have to let anybody into her body if she doesn't want to. Homie has the choice to accept that or bounce and let her live with the consequences of her policy.

My policy is that 3 months without a skeet is unacceptable. I don't have to dive into the warm abyss to be satisfied with the dating situation, but I will not make out for 3 months and have to go home to Bounty and the internet every time things get heavy.

Sounds like this didn't become a "game" until homie didn't get what he wanted. And if him being in disagreement with her rule was enough to make him not like her anymore, then he must not have liked her that much to start.

NY2VA said...

When does "trying to change your mind" become sexual assault?  Where is the line?  When does "no" stop being "yes" and actually become "no."  Those of us who have sons have to take this stuff really seriously because their behinds will get locked up.  Those of us who have daughters have to take this stuff seriously because they can be emotionally damaged.  Let's teach our children to do better than us and be clear about these things.  The youth can ill afford to be trying to play these guessing games with one another.  Stakes are high out there.

suebhoney said...

She's playing games IMO. If you have a hard and fast 90 rule, then you should not put yourself or anyone else in the situation where that rule is liable to bent or broken.  And this rule should have been revealed in the beginning and not after you're "sliding toward home".  She took away his right to choose whether he wanted to stick around for the duration or she was just "one of the chosen few"  Communication is the key. It will save a lot of misunderstanding in the future, but I think this one is a wrap.  

motown_skater said...

and the church said AMEN!!!

La said...

"going all the way to the guzzlestrang"

*dies* LOL

Jubi The Great said...

"But you can try and change my mind."

So if anybody wasn't sure she was over here playing games...I think that statement sums it up. If she was THAT committed to her 90 day rule & getting to know him without the physical distractions, then she would be firm in her decision & not open to having her mind changed. Sounds like she wants to do it but needs some "convincing" so that her conscience feels clear & she isn't a heaux by whatever heaux standard you use.

Sol_dier said...

For the record, I don't think you are a 'bad guy'. 
I don't know the sum total of you, I'm just talking from the little snippets, without the full info and usually this brings in wider issues beyond the scope of just >this< scenario.

Didn't mean to make you feel like the bad guy. 
*virtual cup of tea to you*

Brandon St.Randy said...

"Giving head but not having intercourse is some new age bulls**t that needs to STOP!!!"

Disagree entirely. If I'm single and I'm dealing with someone casually who I know or suspect will get emotiony or weird if we have sex, I'd much rather have some good oral then open things up to weirdness and unintended pregnancy

Earthangel172 said...

Ummm, who in the hell left the gate open?! All the lurkers came out to play today! LOL

You all should come out the woods more often...We don't bite in BL.

BlackButterfly said...

Because she is doing what SHE wants to do. 

Shawn is not entitled to anything that she is not willing to give.  Does is seem right in the "awww she's teasing the poor, helpless guy" scenario? **heavy sarcasm**  Maybe not, but again he is not entitled to anything she is not willing to give.  If he doesn't like what she is doing he could always say it and then be out.

NY2VA said...

This. 

:-)

Jubi The Great said...

EXACTLY. There's no excuse for a person to not respect another person's "NO", but saying "No" when you mean "Yes" is a dangerous game, and not just for the 2 ppl involved.

Angela said...

Yes it is foolishness. She certainly sounds misguided at the very least. It could be that you're the guy she wants to make permanent, but has obviously chosen the wrong way to go about it. I can't say if she's deliberately playing tricks or listened to someone's bad advice since we don't all learn at the same level (and we definitely don't all have good mentors). My suggestion is to decide if you like her enough to find out what's going on in her head (and point out some flaws in her thinking --e.g. not stating her position from jump so you could both be on the same page). Otherwise, bounce now and find someone else. Let me add that while we all know her behavior has put her in a position for reciprocal bad behavior, is it absolutely necessary for you to be that guy?

BlackButterfly said...

"I do not want to go down the road that a woman "dangling" something in front of a man will be the reason he "takes" it from her."

ABSOLUTELY!

Earthangel172 said...

"If it's all about sex for me, I'm not pressed about it because she wouldn't be the only potential on the roster."

This! Holding out doesn't always guarantee respect or any other desired results/expectations. Know a mans intentions before you start putting rules in place.

La said...

"But I guess nothing annoys me more than a woman who won't own her sexuality and be real about her intentions."

THIS. I wish more women would take ownership of their sexuality and do what is right for THEM, not listen to arbitrary rules from Steve Harvey or Tyrese or #Pleasantries dude or whoever is the relationship guru of the day telling women what they need to do to get a man.

Sol_dier said...

the rule doesn't need to be a hard line in the sand. 
It can be for a specific type of guy, for this year. the first time she's tried it. 

The most important thing was the 'you can try to change my mind'. That is a capital N and O
Take fuller responsibility for your sexual behaviour please. I don't care what rules you created, the moment you want to break them. BREAK THEM. (its a sign they are not working)

Look, for me life is fluid. there aren't so many rules that cannot be broken given the right circumstance.
That's all, really.

NY2VA said...

I can go to the soul food spot and order a vegetable plate and get full.  So can my husband.  We've done it plenty of times.   But if I imply that I'm going to get a smothered porkchop dinner, my husband has his mouth set for smothered porkchops and I roll in with a plate of greens, yams, and mac ONLY... I gets the side-eye fa sho.

BlackButterfly said...

"This thread is going to be EPIC today!"

Yes it is. Yes it is.

Earthangel172 said...

More marriages end over sex and finances. It's more important than you think.

Sol_dier said...

can someone please start compiling the bougieland dictionary.
Sassy, we disagree on some areas of this matter, but your slangs are just killing me! lol.

rock on.

BlackButterfly said...

LOL!

Marioned said...

Ok if she is licking the spoon then its arbitrary and baseless!!
 
I don't have a number per se but I will say  I take a bit of time.  I move at my own rhythm.    My current relationship took  a little over 2 months.  SO took me on a 4 day weekend trip to New Orleans, it was great!

DCbywayofCali said...

I'm enthralled by the "that's so 8th grade" comments.  What in hell were ya'll doing in 8th grade! lol

I'm not a fan of this quote: Shawn added. "It's too bad because before she started playing all these silly-assed games, I kinda liked her." It sounds too close to you didn't give me what I want, and thus we can't date.  In relationships you may not always get what you want when you want it.  She is clearly willing to be adventurous and eventually share all her adventurousness.  I don't get why getting the whipped cream off the top for 90 days while you wait to get to the bottom of the mug is so unsatisfactory. 

Maybe I'm just uber cautious b/c I live in an area with an extremely high STD rate, but 90 days aint much to wait. *shrug*

Sol_dier said...

yep to the caught up thing.
I dunno, cocoa lite more than once is no big deal in my book (as long as both parties are aware of it)
Its difficult, its like going against nature which is a battle I personally am unwilling to fight.

Earthangel172 said...

I'm all for cocoa release rules.  I live in a metro area w/ a high AIDS
rate. No way I"m getting busy w/ a dude without a certified copy of his
clean test results.  And there will be no cocoa prep w/o that either,
because that can lead to creepy crawlies that penicillin can't cure.

I
don't have a hard and fast rule, but it is longer than three dates.  I
usually wait until I'm completely comfortable taking that risk and I
feel that the person and I are on the same page with regard to our
dating/relationship.

This!

Earthangel172 said...

"just the tip... well since i'm partially in...."

::dead::

Grace said...

Okay, I'm going there. I met Shawn once when I came through Dallas and Chele invited me out. He's handsome, successful, accomplished - used to getting what he wants from women. Now if I knew this about him after an hour in his company. Girlfriend knows as well. Her mistake was not being true to her rules. I guarandamntee if she'd stated 90 days up front, and engaged him in some other way, he would have either walked away then (so you know what you've got) or he would have stuck around for the intrigue of a woman who didn't roll over legs up in the air.

So she played herself. But he is playing himself if he waits around to get what he was after and then bolts. That's just whack. or wack. Whatev.

C Nelson said...

"But you can try to change my mind" makes her an idiot. A dangerous idiot. I think that unless you have a compelling reason to stay, you should exercise your right to walk out on this one.

La said...

"getting the suckles" just took me completely and totally outta the game. LOL

SingLikeSassy said...

You're right. It doesn't matter whether it was dangled or not. Mea culpa.

suebhoney said...

havent posted in a while. (My work computer won't let me-lol) but I read everyday. :)

Marioned said...

Are you missing that she is immature and playing games????   Do you really care if she is??  You just want to stir the cocoa, right?

motown_skater said...

i really hope you chalk this one up as a loss and move on.  bad things happen to good people and nothing about this is sounding good for you especially if you make her mad one good time.  make her mad and it could be a WRAP!!!  whatever good life you have made for yourself could end up in the toilet.....run forest run!!!

AND yall to old for these games move on man! 

s.n. ~ get the rules up front with the next one.  

La said...

Here's the thing tho... the implication for smothered porkchops HAS been presented. In Shawn's explanation, he said she told him, "He could change her mind." IMHO, that leaves open the door to order the smothered porkchops. That is my only issue here. I think as a grown up, say what it is and MEAN it. If it changes, that's cool, but communicate that too. But don't get mad when someone misunderstands your mixed signals.

SHA said...

Suckles, Slim? You tickle me.

Earthangel172 said...

"I'm of the mind that licking the spoon is pretty damn intimate, that's not casual for me."

Okay?!

SingLikeSassy said...

I'm country y'all! LOL!

Sol_dier said...

sex and finances remove a heck of a lot of headaches. 
Honey, we broke... lemme love you.
Honey, I got a headache, lemme buy you a ferrari. :p

Earthangel172 said...

this girl has read too much steve harvey and not enough blacknbougie.

#truth

FreeBlackMan said...

I'm confused. Shawn and Girlie are not a love connection. It's clear he has other ways to get his cocoa fix.
He needs to go <--- that way and she needs to go ---> that way.
Done.

Sol_dier said...

 creepy crawlies that penicillin can't cure.

Reminds me of shock videos they used to show in schools re STD's. Scared me so much I thought I would  never make cocoa. Left me with the right dose of paranoia.

Met a few folks who said 'I don't believe in condoms'. Ok.. move yourself away from me. Thank you please.

GrownAzzMan said...

First of all, I am a bit of a 'morning' type of guy but this is a bit much this early, IJS. Secondly, I don't have a problem with someone saying they want to wait until the timing/feelings/knowledge base/background check is right but wait...over...there. In bed nekkid (yes I said nekkid) is not the way we wait. If you have already rounded third and the coach is waving you in what does pumping the breaks do but leave everybody frustrated?

SingLikeSassy said...

Soldier! Hit me offline. singlikesassy at gmail dot com

FreeBlackMan said...

*whispers* Are we allowed to say "skeet" in BougieLand?

ClayJones said...

153 comments and it's not noon... wow
Okay, my two cents
They are both playing. This isn't a relationship it's a waiting game.
And life is short.
Next batter up please.

Earthangel172 said...

"It was at this time she explained her 90-day rule and added, "But you can try and change my mind."

I'm calling bullshiggity on this one!

Sol_dier said...

Is there even a compelling reason?.
With that phrase, she kinda has revealed her modus operandi. 
She has attended the school of manipulation BS and received a D-, the attempt worked. execution no.

Stay away. Find you a woman who doesn't try to twist her decisions into your execution

DCbywayofCali said...

With all this talk of cocoa I'm not sure you wanna be offering beverages up in here. lol

La said...

Let me be very clear here... I am all for her doing what she wants to do, whatever that looks like. My issue is NOT her doing what she wants. My issue here is the manipulation that seems to be afoot.
Does that mean Shawn gets to throw a temper tantrum because he isn't getting what he wants? Absolutely not. But does that mean she gets to put the onus on him to "change her mind" so essentially she can absolve herself of any wrongdoing if a. people judge her for "giving it up too soon" or b. he cuts out after he gets the cocoa because he thinks she is a game player? Then she becomes the victim, he becomes the a$$hole. She takes no responsibility for whatever message her actions and inactions are sending because she “told him”, though she also told him he could change her mind. It’s a game. Just like men who will do everything but actually be in an official relationship with a woman, and will say, “Well I told you upfront I didn’t want a relationship,” as if that excuses their mixed signals. In either scenario, both grown-ups are responsible for participating in a situation they that wasn’t what they wanted. But no party is innocent.

Slimuel L. Jackson said...

Wait, that's a banned word? lol

GrownAzzMan said...

No she didn't bring up 'just the tip'...LOL That must be universal.

BlackButterfly said...

Can we talk about it???  STD's, STD's, there ain't nothing worth an STD!'

While I agree with this female's right to do her.  I am a person that believes that any below the waste action is included in my "when it is right for me" time frame.  SEX is SEX and there are no degrees of separation for me in that area and there will not be any "rewards of waiting" (heavy sarcasm again) for the gentleman I am dating. 

Things can get too real in a way that you can't get rid of, and I am not taking any chances for a few minutes of physical gratification.

<> P-a-a-a-a-pers, P-a-a-a-a-pers.  We can't play without NO p-a-a-a-apers.

Earthangel172 said...

SLS,

Can I come stay with you? I'm going to need a place to stay after laughing so damn loud at work! LMAO!!

Earthangel172 said...

^^^for.the.damn.win.

La said...

Personally (and I am not saying that you are saying this at all) I am not doing cocoa lite with anybody I am not serving up cocoa to, now or in the future. But let's be clear, some women play those type of reindeer games. And if that's cool with them and their partner, I'm all for it. But do it because it works for you, not because you get to control the play on the field.

OneChele said...

I'm really not that strict. *shoots side-eye to FBM*

Sol_dier said...

the suckles! 
Dear God lol. BL is going to kill me today

Kat said...

Ol girl is doing the most! She reminds me of an acquaintance that I had in undergrad. She loved to parade around the fact that she was a virgin.....but was known all over campus as a certified head doctor. Kinda negates the virgin part a bit. If you are going to be a tease for 90 days, you might as well give up the cocoa. She really setting herself up for a nice little 120 day relationship (if the cocoa is good to him....if not, 95 days). 

I personally don't have those arbitrary guidelines....it's whenever it feels right. Sometimes that's 6 months. Sometimes it's 2 weeks. 

Earthangel172 said...

I'm enthralled by the "that's so 8th grade" comments.  What in hell were ya'll doing in 8th grade! lol

Okay?! My mom and dad had my sister and me on lockdown...LOL

Earthangel172 said...

::hollers::

NatashaHunter said...

GUZZLESTRANG!?!

*Jesus wept*

Earthangel172 said...

My boss come out of his office and asked me what was so funny...LOL

SingLikeSassy said...

I just want to say, I have been glued to my desk for two hours messing with y'all. People keep coming by to ask me questions and I'm all "WHAT?!" with the screwface. LOL!

If I lose my job behind Bougieland activity, who is letting me move in?

La said...

I have done NO work this morning. lol

Sol_dier said...

Understood. :-)

Sol_dier said...

lol. Wash your mouth with soap!. I will not have you blaspheme against the nectar of the Gods. 

*runs to brew a cup to ease your spiritual cleanliness*

Sol_dier said...

its not the same, he analogy is more like: 

 You hold smothered pork chop dinner with a full plate of veggies under your husbands nose and say nothing.You start to eat, he picks a fork and begins eating the veg portion with you. As he starts to poke the pork chops with his fork, you tell him he can only have the veg but you can be convinced to allow him the pork chop

It's not a nice thing to do, infact its evil, but its your food, you can do that. 

He's options are to get up and go get his own, divorce you for your selfish ways or do what you said, i.e. try to convince you to give up the pork chops.

Sol_dier said...

OMG what did you say lol

CorettaJG said...

I firmly believe in a person waiting as long as they absolutely need to before moving into a sexual relationship.  I don't see that as a casual thing, it's serious physical and emotional business to me.  
 
That being said, foolishness is going on here. 

This type of  discussion is one that I would pretty much have up front when things started looking more exclusive with a partner.  I'm a person who appreciates clarity.   And even if there wasn't a conversation, a person's behavior speaks volumes.  Her behavior doesn't says she's serious about remaining chaste.  It says that she's interested in seeing how close she can get to the fire.

If celibacy is someone's aim, just like any other goal, a person need's a plan not to fail.  This business about doing everything but . . .  That's a failing plan.  "You can try and change my  mind" ?  That's a failing plan.  And, the "I'm going to stick around until the 90 day mark just to finally get some" is a failing long-term relationship plan.

I'm not sure that I understand the aim of this woman's celibacy.  Maybe she doesn't either.  Seems very imature.  If you care about a long-term relationship, you all need to get on the same page about how this thing is going to work so everyone knows what the boundaries are or you can move on.

Sol_dier said...

erm that simply makes him a challenge to some people.

It doesn't mean that she 'toes' the line because he is used to it. Besides, don't most people who are used to certain things settle for those things they aren't used to?.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

I'm lost here. If she's doing everything but, then what's the point of not doing the but? =/ Help me, please, because I could have sworn such rules put the brakes on all sorts of cocoa activities until both parties knew each other better. *is confused*

As for Shawn - I can't help.

Sol_dier said...

will do shortly. :) just gotta pop out for a bit.

nylse said...

i understand guidelines and rules, but based on what transpired seems like she's not playing fair.  she has a very warped idea of what abstinence and celibacy is and is setting herself up for failure.  as for the guy, i wouldn't play this game with her  - if you cant honor her "intentions", tell her and leave.

rozb said...

Holding out and refraining from cocoa stirring for 90 days does not guarantee quality, smoothness, or flavor, just like a really old bottle of wine does not mean that it did not turn into vinegar while in the bottle corked up.

Don't put a time limit on it...act like a grown up and stop playing those crazy "I'm saying no, but I'm gonna hunch your leg until then" games. Not a good look, and being a tease is pretty anti-climactic anyway...

CorettaJG said...

If she's serious about celibacy then from the description of what's going on, she's got a failing plan.  What she needs is a plan NOT to fail.  

That would probably include remaining vertical.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

And now it ALLLLL makes sense. You can ignore the part mentioning you in my upthread comment. No, wait -lemme go amend it.

CorettaJG said...

*chuckling*

CaliGirlED said...

 "getting the suckles"!!! *falls out the chair and rolls under the desk*

So you don't think it was wrong of her to announce her rule mid-play? Folks get damn near cut trying to do that in the middle of a card game/dominoes/Monopoly! LOL

Veronica Miller said...

Question is, who's replacing you?


*slips summer resume to desk....*

Guest said...

Well he's a d*ck and she's a d*ck tease. Sounds perfect.

Angel Blanca said...

Please. I don't run my intimate life by a calendar, and if I'm moving that far, then there must already have been an intellectual and emotional connection.  I can't abide game-playing, and if I'm doing it just because I'm concerned about what others will think of me, then I'm living my relationship according to *their* expectations.

You'll know when you're ready to take the step of physical intimacy, and it's not necessary to hold fast to rules that do not take into account where you are intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

Shawn, is it that you're not having fun, or that you think the rule is stupid that's at issue?  If it's the former, get out now; it's not worthwhile to continue with something that has moved to the point of vengeance. If you're no longer feeling her, tell her and move on.  If it's the latter is that enough to make you rule out something that could be long-term?  Can you enjoy this time and see it as a period of extended foreplay.

Finally, 177 comments at noon?!!! Y'all are really into this post, huh?

Sol_dier said...

I had a workout scheduled 3 hours ago. 

rozb said...

If he ever brings her to a gathering, she will be getting all sorts of side-eye...

Deb B said...

I had to stop at Owen shook his head. "No, it sounds slow and soft... and dry if we're really getting down to the nitty gritty."

DEAD!

CorettaJG said...

PREACH! 

I've seen many a young man in a courtroom looking confused.  Accusations of rape and assault are NO JOKE and they linger. 

There is a frightening study interviewing men across college campuses and the facts that these young men relate basically describe them routinely raping women under the "she know she wanted it" mantra.  

Veronica Miller said...

*falls ALL THE WAY out*

NY2VA said...

"she is immature and playing games"

Bald. Headed. Games.

rozb said...

That should have been your signal to get up, gather your things (and your dignity) and tell her when she is finished playing games to give you a call.

But Shawn - dude - you should have at least talked about this well before y'all started trying to set fire to each other's zippers and stuff.

Sol_dier said...

the minute a boy or girl, man or woman says 'NO' and the other person refuses to hear it.
That's why long courtships rock, you already get to establish rules & regs in advance and you get to establish your safe words to.  

1) yes = great light  2) nnnn = means I'm considering  3) no = convince me  4) blueribbons = stop immediately

NY2VA said...

Touche...

rozb said...

My CaliGirl - how do you say - goes straight for the jugular?

CorettaJG said...

Nicely said!

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