Thursday, October 27, 2011

A Very Special Episode of Ask a Bougie Chick: Should I leave?


Back in the day, any time they had a serious or "teachable moment" issue to delve into on a TV show, they would preface it with "A Very Special Episode." Today, we have some real talk for our Ask a Bougie Chick segment. In addition to being Breast Cancer Awareness month, October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

I received this letter a few weeks ago and the minute I read it, I referred the writer to someone smarter than me. Read what she had to say.
Hi Chele,
I don't want to talk to my friends and family about this because they will just be too judgy but I know you and BougieLand will tell it to me straight. I wonder if I'm overreacting or if it's all in my head.  
I've been seeing this guy for about eighteen months and I think I need to leave. I moved in with him just after two weeks and it was great. But a few weeks later, things got strange. He was very concerned about how I dressed and who my friends were and what I did while I was at work. It's kind of escalated, he calls all the time and doesn't like to be out with my friends or family. He's very meticulous about how we spend money. 
He's never been violent except for the one time he balled his fist up but he didn't hit me. He just seems to have some anger problems. Like he's not satisfied with things and he says I'm not trying hard enough to make a nice home. I try not to make waves and keep things pleasant but it seems I can't make him happy. I can admit that sometimes he scares me.   
He was always attentive but is it weird to say that I think he's trying to control me? I love him and he loves me but I feel smothered. With everyone saying how hard it is to find a good man, I know I haven't told you a lot of detail but based on what I've said, should I stay with him? Maybe get counseling? We're not married yet so maybe if I have these doubts, I should go.  
Am I making too much out of it? What do you think? Did I jump in too quick?
-KC

KC- I'm not a professional but just based on what you've said - run. Abuse is not always physical, the signs of an abusive relationship can be found here. Your dude is displaying a few too many for me. When you say he's never been violent, I hear a silent "yet." There are steps to take to extricate yourself from this situation safely. Read more by going here

Even if he wasn't potentially dangerous (and I think he is), don't ever, ever, ever stay with someone because you're worried about not finding anyone else. The worst case scenario of being alone is quite simply loneliness, and we can get you past that. The worst case scenario of staying with him is the worst case scenario. I hope you'll take the names and resources that I sent you via email to heart and do the right thing for you. Be safe! As you asked, I'll put it to BougieLand.

BougieLand, advice for KC?

To find out more or look for resources in your area, please visit the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

102 comments:

SingLikeSassy said...

This sounds like the prelude to physical abuse. Get up from your computer right now, pack your ish and leave. Don't look back. And read "The Gift of Fear."

motown_skater said...

i can bet everyone who posts today will tell you the same thing, leave!!!  if you think you need to leave you need to leave.  trust your gut and do not second guess yourself.  i'd say he's given you enough signs that the potential is there for him to be violent so before he does, exit.  for your own safety, mental and emotional health i do hope you decide to leave and i pray you have a safe exit. 

Sol_dier said...

Leave NOW

The signs are clear, that feeling you have that he is trying to control you is really your entire consciousness trying to vie for attention which you heart has claimed.

He can be as fiscally responsible, attentive and loving as he wants, but its the other attributes which are dangerous. He managed to clench the fist this time, in a few years he won't. Leave now while you can.

Run sistah ... run

JoycelynC said...

This past weekend at a domestic violence vigil, I listened to the stories of two women whose husbands never beat them but are now no longer among the living.  Both women were killed by their husbands.  The things they did do sound a lot like what you describe.  Go now, don't wait.  Please look at how to do it safely but go far and fast.  Tell your family you are leaving and why.  When you have a weak moment (and we all have them) or when he tries to tell you he has changed in an effort to get you back, you will need a support system to remind you not to go back.  I wish you success in getting away and please remember a good man does not need to control you. 

bashowell said...

Get out now.  Did anyone see Oprah's Lifeclass the other night about when someone shows you who they are believe them?  Your situation is similar to that of my aunt.  She met a guy, he seemed normal, and he started displaying some of the very things you mentioned.  She unfortunately still married him even though people were screaming for her to get out.  Fast forward a year or two and he ended up picking her up and throwing her down the stairs while she was pregnant then went down the stairs and beat her with a lamp.  It took that incident for her to wake up and get out.  I always use her situation as a reminder to myself.

thinklikeRiley said...

I tell jokes like - this letter sounds like the first hour of a Lifetime Movie but underneath that is some real - my cousin had a man just like this. We ended up going restraining order, moving her in the dead of night, she changed her name, the whole nine.

Your man is broken. You can't fix him nor should you try. North to the river and left at the lantern - now.

Eleanor Seaton said...

I am addicted to Oprah's Lifeclass shows!  The one about believing who people are the first time was on last night.

Sarah said...

I know it can be hard to break the connection when your heart has all those good memories. But here's the thing. A person who really cares for you and loves you wants you to be happy and have friends and go places even if he isn't there with you. Your description of your boyfriend reminds me of my last. He never got violent either, but then I didn't fight the control. I figured I would lose that fight and after a while I decided I'd rather be elsewhere. I planned my exit and left while he was at work. There is still a part of my mind that thinks I over reacted. The good news is that now 3 years later I feel great - almost light as a feather some days. The world is full of so much opportunity and there are good people who will love and cherish you. Good luck and a Big Hug.

Penny said...

Get out-now.  Even if this man has never hit you (the balled up fist is probably a sign of what is to come) do you want to live with someone who is never satisfied and says everything that goes wrong is your fault?

Call your mama, call your daddy, call your sisters, call your girls, call your brothers, your crazy cousin Ray Ray who has a case, call whoever you need to call to get away from this man.   Reach out to the local domestic violence program in your area for support.  Once you leave, he will probably try and get you back.  They will help you face the moments when you question if leaving was the right thing to do. 

Kitadiva2 said...

Run.  Never wait for a man to HIT you because when a man gets to that point they have usually given you some warnings along the way about his behavior.   The guy is checking out what your decisions are, how much do you love yourself etc.  When you don't react in a way to protect yourself then they feel like they then have the right to hit, speak, intimidate and control you with any means that they have available.  Don't wait for a slap or to be scaredand  intimidated to DEATH when you clearly see the signs.  As someone else stated you cannot fix or save him. Take. Care. of. Yourself.  and get the heck outta there ASAP!

MsJamie14 said...

So.... 
1) you feel "smothered"
2)  he doesn't want you to spend times with friends and family
3) he's never satisfied and
4) he scares you...

That's not enough deal breakers for you? No you are not over reacting...you're underreacting!

Yes, please get counseling...for your your self esteem. You deserve better.

Good luck.

GrownAzzMan said...

All signs indicate go. Chele told you right.

OSHH said...

That man IS trying to control you, no if's and's or but's about it.
First of all you didn't even know this man before making such a major move, like moving in together, that's hindsight though but for future reference don't repeat that mistake.
Get out now for your sanity and well being! Love is not about controlling someone.

Johnny_Lollipop said...

Run for your life and just because it can be difficult to find a man who is "good for you" doesn't mean you should take up with any old man giving you the time of day.

Unrelated....

Nothing about this is mentioned in the "Ask a Bougie Chick", but just to remind people...please have first, last, deposit, and money for movers set aside when you decide to move in with someone.  Few things are worse than being trapped in a bad relationship because your finances won't allow you to move.

Earthangel172 said...

Run like hayle and don't ever look back!

You said, "you think you should run" but deep down you know you should have left a long time ago.

One thing that bothered me is that you said  you don't want to tell your friends and family because their judgy. Well we all judge but telling the truth is not judging. In this instance its important to let the ones closest to you know what's going on. They don't have rose colored glasses on and can see this "relationship" for what it really is...a brewing ABUSIVE relationship. Emotional abuse will eventually turn into physical abuse....trust me I know what I speak of.

Jasmin said...

Everyone's telling you to get out. Ow (and rightfully so), but if you don't leave, please do 2 things:

1) Pack an emergency escape kit and keep it somewhere he cannot find it (like work). That includes clothes, a copy of all of your IDs, money, and a phone card/prepaid cell phone.

2) Confide in someone you know in real life (even if you want use euphemisms or feel more comfortable leaving some of the more damning details out. That way someone can vouch for you should things go south, and frankly a lot of women go back to their abusers because they've been cut off from all means of social support.

Earthangel172 said...

My grandma use to say "Baby, put a little something to the side because every woman needs some run away money!" 

#truth.org

Earthangel172 said...

First of all you didn't even know this man before making such a major
move, like moving in together, that's hindsight though but for future
reference don't repeat that mistake.

This!

Bonita Applebum said...

This story sounds like one I could have told. My second boyfriend was emotionally abusive.  Controlling; always wanted to know where I was, who with and when I'll be done but never answered any of those questions; wasn't physically abusive but the words he'd use were scaring enough. And I stayed with him for nearly 5 years because I figured since we were together so long, I should stick it out.

I'm SO glad I'm not that person anymore.  I can look back and realize that I doubted myself. My ability to be alone.  My self esteem was low.  I was a follower looking for a leader.  And I thought that maybe I could change him over time.  I know now that no one can change a person but themselves.  I can do things alone and be just as happy as if I was with friends.  My self esteem is just fine.  I'm a leader that knows when to lead and when to follow.

I also will say I got into that relationship without being very experienced with dating. So if that's the case here, just know that there's a lot of options out there.  Don't believe the media when they say that the good men are a rarity and we need to hang on to whatever we can get.  Good men are everywhere. Get away from the destructiveness, invest in building yourself and then get out there & experience life.

GuessImJay said...

We went through this with my sister. He started off with just little things - telling her he didn't like what she had on that day, why did she spend so much on clothes, a series of things that when put together with his up and down moods spelled trouble. One day he put his hands on her and all hell broke loose. My father almost caught a case, fam starting carrying guns, it got crazy. But he never touched her again and she never spent another minute in his company. He's now in jail for nearly beating his next wife to death.

When you wrote this letter, it was a plea for help and for validation that what you feel you should do is the thing to be done. It is. Understand that when we mean move, we mean far away. Often your leaving triggers a more violent and desperate reaction. I'm concerned because you speak of his escalating behavior and the holidays tend to set crazy on full tilt.

I've seen first hand what this kind of relationship can do. Please go.

maureen said...

I say leave as soon  as you can. Run. This might not end  well.

OneChele said...

This is awesome. Thank you for sharing!
*cues Destiny's Child "Survivor" to play at full volume*

Pure Choco said...

KC - I don't want to harp on you when you're down but to answer one of your questions - YES! YOU MOVED WAY TOO QUICKLY! Two weeks isn't enough time to know his middle name let alone move in with the guy for life. This is one of the reasons I'm so dead set against shacking, I need my own space to escape to just.in.case. But let's not focus on that now. You have plenty of time to dissect the lessons learned and what not to dos. For now, get some money and get gone.

Mrs. Scott said...

WOW...that description sounds exactly like my ex-boyfriend. Please, please, please get out now. He is NEVER going to change and it will only get worse.

Ms. LTB said...

Leave.  Now.  I wouldn't even say try to talk about it with him.  Just go.  Leave a letter if you must but don't say where you are going.

Having emergency plans in place for when things go wrong is a nice idea but in a reality, a lot of people never get the opportunity to use them because the first time the other person "snaps"  they are silenced forever.  It may be hard to find a good man but it is downright impossible to find another you.   Yes it's possible that you/we may be overreacting but is that a gamble that you're really willing to take when the outcome could very well cost you your life?  Trust you gut and get out now.

I'm not sure where you are located but there are shelters (many of whom will help you relocate), counseling, support groups, etc. available to you if you need them.  And if there are parts of this story that you felt best to keep to yourself but that make you feel as though you are in danger of immediate harm, go to the Courthouse and file for a domestic violence injunction. 

If you decide to stay, both of you need to get into counseling now.  Individual and couples. If/when it becomes physical take pictures and upload them to a secure site so that if you ever decide to leave and you want to press charges you have your evidence lined up.  A journal would also come in handy.  Try to remember that no matter what happens, you did not ask for any it, you are worth more than that, and you can survive without him.  I hope everything works out well for you.

Sol_dier said...

Sometimes family can be our worst enemy. 
Some families laugh when you fail. or will say 'he is good for you, because you are too independent, you need a man to 'handle' you'.

Some just aren't helpful in the way we need them to be. But all that really has nothing to do with it. If the family are judgemental, then get friends. If there are no useful/helpful friends around.. do it yourself Save yourself.

Sol_dier said...

No options. She needs to leave.

Giving someone this sort of option is extremely dangerous. 

MsJamie14 said...

Bravo. Excellently put.

jake said...

Had a good friend whose wife thought it was fun to threaten him with knives and guns to get her point across. Abuse is abuse. Recognize it and get out early.

Earthangel172 said...

I agree with you to a certain extent and hear what you are saying re family but what family is perfect? We all have people in our lives that we love but don't want to deal with. And while I do agree that sharing the same bloodline does not make you "family", this guy is trying to cut her off from everybody...family and friends. Isolation is one of the initial steps of an abuser. The point I'm trying to make in my initial post is that she should confide in her family and friends, even if they are judgmental. The people in her life need to know what is going on. Period.

Alvin Milton said...

Exit stage left. Its only a matter of time before ol boy tries to go UFC on you.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

He sounds like my late aunt's common-law husband. She spent over twenty years stuck with his controlling butt, and it was hell.

Run, run hard, run fast, run very, very far. Please, just run - now.

BklynBajan said...

We define our realites by the vocabulary that we use to describe them. There is NOTHING about what you have written that makes me say you have a good man and you need to stick it out and try to make this work. What you have shared are red flags and warning pebbles that have been steadily dropping on your head that you have ignored because you are sticking to your definition that this is a good man. Please don't wait for the boulder (or fist or gun) to physicallly hurt you for you to change your description.

A good man loves you as you are. His love is a source of strength & light to your life not one of doubt, fear, isolation & anxiety. His imperfections are things that can be worked on not character issues that can harm you if left unchecked. I know we've only heard one side of the story but so far nothing that you have stated makes this relationship worth saving not for one more day. You need to redefine for yourself what a good man is and learn to recognize what a real relationship with a good man looks like. What you have right now is just a relationship with a flawed man whose time has past expiration.  I pray that you will be able to see the wisdom that is being shared with you and get the strength needed to move forward without fear of the change that is needed.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

Granny spoke the truth.

CaliGirlED said...

KC, I could have stopped reading after this, "He was very concerned about how I dressed and who my friends were and what I did while I was at work."...PLEASE LEAVE!!! I have a friend who not until after her boyfriend beat her up, did I hear this very statement from her. I want to say it was word for word with the statement I just quoted from you.

"He's never been violent except for the one time he balled his fist up but he didn't hit me." Let me explain it this way, if my daughter was to ball up her fist at me, she would be picking herself up off the floor! Why? Because basically what she would be saying to me is, "I want to hit you". And that would be enough for me to react as though she actually did. So what I'm saying is, you need to act as if he did hit you, and leave the relationship. I have said before I will never tell someone to leave the person they're with unless violence is involved. KC, violence is involved.

PLEASE take Chele's advice and make use of the resources she has sent to you! And take care of yourself!!!

As for the good man thing you mentioned, I just saw this quote this morning on my facebook page, "You'll never find the right person if you never let go of the wrong one."...I don't care how he's providing for you, loving you, sexing you, he is the WRONG ONE!

CaliGirlED said...

"Your man is broken. You can't fix him nor should you try."....This is the entire truth!!!

CaliGirlED said...

"Once you leave, he will probably try and get you back." Definitely! The only thing I disagree with is "probably". He will absolutely try to get her back if he knows how to reach/find/get to her.

CaliGirlED said...

"First of all you didn't even know this man before making such a major
move, like moving in together, that's hindsight though but for future
reference don't repeat that mistake."...I hope the young lady who wrote in about moving to another state and living with a guy after, I think it was 6 weeks, of knowing him.

CaliGirlED said...

All of this!!!

CaliGirlED said...

"Don't believe the media when they say that the good men are a rarity and
we need to hang on to whatever we can get.  Good men are everywhere.
Get away from the destructiveness, invest in building yourself and then
get out there & experience life."....I don't think there's anything left to say after this! Everyone has said to leave, and then you add this?....

Let's do this KC!!!

Sol_dier said...

what family is perfect?

I agree with you, I was coming from a diff. angle. Hoping the judgement her family was issuing was not about her being 'too strong minded'  
Sounds crazy, but I've witnessed this. It still makes me want to cry when I think about it.
I wasn't 'family' in the real sense so it was safe for me to state my piece and leave. Our friendship ended very soon after that.
I'm not sticking around to hear your family lead you to deaths door. Either walk out with me, right now or stay and get busy dying.

CorettaJG said...

Well said Jay.

Sol_dier said...

We define our realities by the vocabulary that we use to describe them

If this isn't one of the key philosophies of life, I dunno what is.  

SingLikeSassy said...

OK, I had to type my earlier message quickly as I was getting ready for work but I want to add this: "With everyone saying how hard it is to find a good man..."

You still haven't found one. A good man would not scare you. You know what you wrote up there is not what you want for yourself. If a friend told you the things you wrote up there what would you tell her, stay because a good man is hard to find? You know that's not so. Don't ever doubt your instincts. You are better than this and, as I said earlier, this all sounds like the prelude to physical abuse and you need to leave immediately. Please.

Pretty Primadonna said...

Very well-stated, counselor.  ;-)

BlackButterfly said...

KC,  You need to leave now and without notice!  I hope my story helps you.

I was 21 years old and dating this guy (a Marine) and a few months in he started to critique EVERYTHING about me.  It started with the way I dressed then what I said and then how I lived (I was working two jobs and going to school) because he didn't feel that I left enough time for him. 

Dates always ended horribly because he just couldn't relax or enjoy anything and forget about mixing in other people because that was always a fail when them witnessing and commenting on his overreaching and abrasive ways escalated them.  That last particular date ended with him complaining about me bringing that out in him and embarrassing him in front of his friends.  I told him that I didn't want to date anymore.

As I was trying to exit the vehicle he slapped me so hard with the back of his hand that I actually thought he had dislodged some teeth.  I struck back with a closed fist in his face and ran up the sidewalk as if my feet were on fire.  He pulled off and followed me up the street in his car and I barely made it inside my front door before he could reach me because I was shaking so terribly. 

That was not the end.  He called constantly and would not stop and it spooked me but I continued living.  My take action moment came two weeks later when a co-worker noticed someone lurking behind a pillar (department store) watching me and when I looked up and saw that it was him my body went cold.  I was able to leave through the loading area of the store and I never went back.  I quit that job and moved all in the course of a day because I felt a fear in my body that would not leave!  I truly believe that I am alive today because I listened to that fear.

michaeldavis said...

The balled-up fist thing is a problem.  "He just seems to have some anger problems" is a MAJOR red flag.

I had a friend who stayed with a guy  thinking he would change but ended up being abusive towards her.  Almost three years ago, he shot and killed her on her way to work.    Get out of there, for your own sake.

TNDRHRT said...

Honey, LEAVE.  I've never been physically abused, but I have emotionally.  I now realize that dude was fighting his own demons and used his words to demean me.   I got out.  Luckily, we didn't live together so it was a little easier to cut off all communication and I restored faith in myself.   You don't NEED this dude.  You shouldn't even WANT him.  You will be FINE.  You already know what to do.  Now you just need to make it happen.  Don't discuss leaving with him.   Praying for you.  We all are.

SingLikeSassy said...

And since we're telling stories...

I have a lady who was a great big sister and soror to me (she passed away a couple of years ago, god bless her) who had a sister married to a violent abuser. Sister wouldn't leave no matter what my friend and her husband tried to do. One day sister called for help and my friend's husband ran to the rescue. When my friend's husband arrived, brother-in-law had killed sister and then proceeded to beat my friend's husband severely and stuff him in the trunk of car. Then he killed himself. Luckily they found my friend's husband before he bled to death.

Brother-in-law didn't start off like that and raised holy hell about the "closeness" of his wife with her family.

This ish can go wrong and you can't get a life back. Please leave.

rozb said...

When I volunteered at a women's crisis center, I found that women sometimes stay because they think there is something there that can be fixed. This cannot be fixed with devotion and patience. And the fact he hasn't hit you yet is just a warning signal.

Pack your things and leave. Don't be too proud to ask for the help you need to get back on your feet. Get your friends and family up to speed so you can have an informed network that can have your back. And use those resources provided to you by Chele to get your life on track. You may be sad to leave, but it will definitely hurt to stay.

And to all the posters here - kudos to the awesome advice.

CaliGirlED said...

"With everyone saying how hard it is to find a good man...You still haven't found one."

KC, I know some of this might be stinging you, but LISTEN! All of this is coming out of concern for you! That man ain't worth piss poured out a boot!

rozb said...

God gives us those instincts for reason. We just need to listen to them and not fight against them. Glad you listened to yours.

Jazzy Jazz said...

Proactive actions  vs Retroactive actions ... Leave now please.

 You are NOT overreacting , nor is this just in your head. He is showing you who he really is.
This is a situation that you can not fix. As much as it may hurt , you are NOT his savior. Self- preservation is paramount right now.

rozb said...

The "Get the Hay-ull Out!" advice goes for men as well as women. More and more men are starting to come forward and exposing their abuse by a spouse or loved one. No matter who you are, never be too embarrassed to get help.

CaliGirlED said...

A female sheriff in L.A. area was shot and killed by her  boyfriend with her own gun at a gas station in front of her son!

This is real life stuff KC, not just what you see on TV!

C Nelson said...

Adding one more voice to the chorus: please leave. If you have to go directly to a shelter without stopping home first to get out without him suspecting, then please do that. It is not overreacting and it is not failing to give him a chance -- it's being safe. Please get yourself out of there -- quickly. And don't ever initiate contact again; the only reason he's not stalking you now is that he already knows where you live, who you see, and what you do, and the time just after you've made the attempt to leave is when most abusers show you their worst depths.

CaliGirlED said...

You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk. (Author unknown)

C Nelson said...

Yes. She should absolutely put that case together -- but she should be taking it with her to work tomorrow and not going back to his house after work.

ASmith said...

Ain't nothing to be said that hasn't been said, but your gut (the real one, not the scared one/misinformed one we think is real and listen to sometimes) never lies to you.  Never.  If the gut says go, then go.

His anger issues aren't your problem, he's a grown ass man and he can figure it out.  Further, even if "finding a good man is hard" were a valid reason, this is not a good man so you're on the lookout for your "good man" in whatever case.

It's also good to note how you're paying attention and listening to yourself.  So many people ignore that out of fear of being alone... so glad you're not.

nylse said...

if you have all these doubts, questions, and concerns why stay? What sort of love is this?
while love is sacrificial, you don't sacrifice good sense and your self worth.
i think you know, just have the guts to follow through.

ASmith said...

And I'm back... for a more general purpose.

Today, Twitter taught me that if you need to leave your job because of domestic violence issues, you may be eligible for unemployment.  

Word to CaliGirlED for nudging me to post this here. I'm sure there's a lurker or two who can benefit from the knowledge.

blackprofessor said...

You'll never find the right person if you never let go of the wrong one - This needs to be plastered in billboards!

blackprofessor said...

Maya Angelou said "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." 

Get out this instant!  You don't have to stay because you don't have money, shelter or anything like that.  If you are worried about housing, go to your local housing department. They have special services set up for domestic abuse cases. I went through this with a friend and she had an apartment less than 2 hours after leaving an abusive situation.  I had another friend who moved cross country to avoid a potentially abusive husband. She told him she was going to work, she got on a plane and he never saw her again.  Both of these women are alive today and thriving because they took drastic actions. 

Leave TODAY! You can get all the help you need if you leave him alone and never look back. 

CorettaJG said...

KC, the fear of not having a man, should not override your God-given instinct of self-protection.  Get your priorities in order. 
 
Things got strange.
His actions are controlling.
He balled up his fists. 
"I can admit sometimes he scares me." 
 
NO MA'AM. 
 
This is not the behavior that should be emanating from someone who is supposed to love you.  This is not love.  After moving in together after only 2 weeks, who knows what his definition of love really is, but don't be fooled by this bastardization of the concept.  There are plenty of good men out there who are not going to bring out "fear" in you.  And, as Chele alluded, there are far worse things than not having a man, like not having peace of mind, or more importantly, not having your life.
 
Leave this relationship NOW. 
 
You do not have the power to fix him.  You will never be able to meet his personal expectations even after he has finally cut you off from people who really do love you.  You have to value yourself  more than this mess.  Please leave and release all ties with this man!

Andrea M said...

This sounds exactly like my ex from a few years ago.  He never hit me either. Just made me feel like the stupidest most useless chick ever.  But because I had no bruises, I thought it was just something we needed to work with. I thought I needed to do better by him. Thank God, I had an auntie who recognized what was going on and yanked me outta there. Then I had to do deal with the shame that I picked him, stayed with him and let him treat me like that.  It took a while but now I know better.

#NoCountryForPeopleWhoPutYouDown
#NoCountryForPeopleWhoMakeYouFeelStupid
#NoCountryForFolksWhoSpendYourMoney4U
#NoCountryForPartnersWhoScareYou

Turn the page, KC.

blackprofessor said...

Your man is broken. You can't fix him nor should you try. - All of this!

JaymeC said...

Ladies and gentlemen,
There is someone out there who loves you know matter what your hair looks like, what you spend on shoes, what you wear, where you worship, who your family is, how long you play video games or when your mood isn't upbeat and perfect. That person is out there.

But you can't find them if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't love the whole damn you. Not just the pretty parts, the crusty parts too. If you don't have that, walk away. Life is too short to live in fear, with stirngs attached to love or wondering how you'll get from one day to the next with a person.

Everyone, whether you're in an abusive relationship or one that not only ceases to bring you joy but causes you pain. Stop, look and head another way. It's never too late as long as you are breathing.

Sorry for the sermon, Chele.

Sol_dier said...

This is what is known as 'breaking a woman'. 
Get her in, then break her down until all she lives for is to please your whims. 
Be critical about the way she speaks, dresses, talks, walks, cooks everything. But God forbid you leave. oh no.

This is not a good man in any sense of the word. The fact that he has convinced you that he is 'loving' his game plan is already in action and you are dangerously at risk of falling for it.

Leave.
Yes. You will still miss him (you made good memories with him at some point)
No. You are not weak for staying with him so far (abusers groom their victims)
No. You do not owe him any explanations (and don't offer any)
Yes. You deserve better. Get out and find it.

rozb said...

Amen, JaymeC!

Earthangel172 said...

::drops my paycheck in the offering plate, raise my Baptist finger in the air and shouts Hallelujah on the way out the edifice::

Jamie Wesley said...

KC,

You already know what you want to do and what you need to do. You wouldn't have written in otherwise. Listen to your gut. Good luck.

OneChele said...

This is it right here: Your man is broken. You can't fix him nor should you try. 

Beautifully Complex said...

A discerning spirit is real. I pray for it everyday.  So glad that you shared this.

CaliGirlED said...

"...the only reason he's not stalking you now is that he already knows where you live, who you see, and what you do..." My God!!! Lord I pray this girl is getting this!

Lady Ngo said...

Everyone else has said it but i will say it again, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE THIS MAN! It doesn't matter if you can only take the clothes on your back. Leave and get someplace safe asap. Don't say a word, just bounce and make sure someone is aware of your situation. When you get somwhere safe, then write your "dear john" letter if you really feel like you need to.

CaliGirlED said...

Thanks A!!! I definitely did not know this and I will keep this tucked in to share with someone in the future. Hopefully I won't have to!

CaliGirlED said...

Man listen, I packed up and left my close knit family, moved to another state and started from scratch. And I have a child. I was not running from a man nor for my safety. I basically left my safety, because the CaliCousins don't play that! I just needed a change and a new start. Abused women have WAY more motivation and reason to start over. If I can do it, I know they can! But they have to move beyond the fear.

motown_skater said...

news we all can use, thanks for sharing!

DCbywayofCali said...

This letter is exactly why I'm so angry at these ding dang stories that have women believing that having any piece of a dude is better than being the "lonely woman."  super huge sigh

CaliGirlED said...

A friend of mine, who wasn't being abused, arranged for movers to come to her house as soon as her husband left for work. They had her and her son packed up and moved to an apartment by the time he got home from work. She had already explained to them that they had to be in and out within a certain time frame and they were on it!

IT CAN BE DONE!!!

CaliGirlED said...

KC don't do any, or anymore, surfing on the internet regarding this matter at home or on your laptop. Not even on your cell phone if he access to it. Do everything from work or go to the library or someone else's house.

blackprofessor said...

And that is why Caligirl is the bomb!!

blackprofessor said...

Amen!

CaliGirlED said...

The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free. -Oprah

CaliGirlED said...

Aw thanks BP! I don't know what it's like to be in that kind of situation, but I just want these women to know that they can leave and start over. It's scary, but it's better than death and much better than living physically disabled from being abused.

Evansaw said...

First, K.C., you need to watch this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9qtRcHJVI8&ob=av2e

(Spotlight, Jennifer Hudson). Watch her body language when the actor playing her SO comes in the room.

Look  familiar?

Believe me, it will only get worse with time and eventually, under the right circumstances, he may get violent.
You need to put on your track shoes and run away, this guy has issues you cannot fix. Protect yourself.

Singlelif said...

Yes it can.  I did it. In that EXACT same way !

Angel Blanca said...

OMG, I hope she's gone already. *sends up positive, healing energies for KC*

Jasmin said...

Of course, but if it was that much of a sure thing, there would be no Episode of Ask a Bougie Chick in the first place. If she doesn't leave (and many women don't because they're waiting until physical violence takes place as the "last straw") at least she'll have thought about what would make her leave (e.g., physical violence) and what she would need to get out.

Is not leaving a good idea? Of course not. Is it statistically more likely? Sadly, yes.

William Martin said...

These things can turn violent in a flash, I saw way too much of it when I worked the ER. Please get help and get gone.

GammasWorld said...

KC baby, whether you moved to fast or not is not as important as you've been scared by a man who supposedly loves you.  Listen to your instincts.  You should never, ever, ever be afraid of the man who "loves" you.   Not to sound all Dr. Philish, but he really should be your safe place to fall.  LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS.  My mother lived her entire marriage taking an ass whoopin every dang weekend from her "husband".   As kids, we learned very early that it wasn't when dad was drinking that we knew trouble was gon' jump off.  It was the subtle digs that started with the way she did/did not prepare a "proper" dinner or any other little critique he could use to justify his anger.  I always say we were the only kids I knew that BEGGED their mother to leave their father - way before divorce was as common as it is now.  Anywho, as it's been a while since you wrote to Chele, I hope you've gotten some help for yourself.  His subtle digs are not a good sign.   The fact that you took the time to write says you're aware something is not quite right.  Listen to that something.  

The Husky Bro said...

I have had way too many women who I care about go through this. One is too many.

Bottom line, no woman should live in any kind of fear of the person who they love.  Any dude that puts you through any kind of pain, physical or mental, doesn't love you, they love what they they're doing to you.

KC, I don't know you but I don't have to know that you deserve better, much better.  

Sol_dier said...

Gosh I want to hi 5 both of you right niw (old school, but works lol)

Sol_dier said...

*Sigh* Unfortunately, you have me for company
I was 6yrs the first time I begged mum to leave, 8yrs old the second. She didn't.
You and I both know what an absolute 'quandry' that situation is. The less said about it, the better.

aisha oaktree1122 said...

I know a young woman who's husband by all standards was a "good man" except at home, he beat her or punished on the regular and not the fun stuff either, the only time she was safe was when she was pregnant, when she reached out to her mom, her mom pulled a Madea's Family Reunion moment "be nicer and he won't have to punish you", her sister just found out that he recently beat her while she was holding their three month old son, and in front of their two year old, and we are helping to find a place to move her and the child.

Best friend found out her neighbor was being abusive to his wife, we went out for my best friend's birthday and she let's call her Ally went out for the first time in 18 years without him, he was waiting up for her even though we went straight home from the club, we were talking to her 3 year ol who was saying she hid in the closet before sneaking over because dad was in one of his 'moods' he never hit his wife, he isolated her from her family by moving from India to the US, he doesn't let her work and checked on her constantly, whenever he was finished with a mood he would go and buy her and the girls presents, this last time he bought them new shoes, and his wife a Coach purse, but this time my best friend went over to Ally's house when he wasn't there and discovered that he had broken the babies crib and his wife's laptop because she told him she had to change the baby before she made him lunch. His sister and her husband live upstirs and Ally went to the sister for help and she refused to help her, it took the old man upstairs to help her grab her stuff and run to my friend's house where, my best friend's sister who works in DCF was parked and they took her to NY where a distant relative lived, i's crazy to think her going out once in their entire 23 year marriage without him set him off but it did, and she only left because she realtized the little girls heard and knew what was going on. 

Sasha Iman said...

Since every rock, stone and pebble has been turned in regards to the controlling/abusive nature of your relationship, I'd just like to point something out that, even if he wasn't controlling and/or abusive, should have had you exiting stage left.

"He just seems to have some anger problems. Like he's not satisfied with
things
and he says I'm not trying hard enough to make a nice home. I try
not to make waves and keep things pleasant but it seems I can't make
him happy


Anger problems aside (since they have been spoken on already), you have no business entering a relationship with someone who is unsatisfied with life and looking at you to make things better. The moment you know someone else's happiness/level of satisfaction rests on your shoulders or is highly dependent on what you do or don't do, is the moment you know that person has some sort of emotional issue they need to work out... on their own... without you*. Happiness comes from within, and it's a choice that the person in question needs to make for themself BEFORE entering a romantic relationship. 

It may not be easy given the situation they're in, but there's someone
out there with one good eye, $20 to their name, and five mouths to feed that's happy as all get out because they still have one eye to look upon their family as they go hard on the $1 menu at McDonald's.

*I'm not saying you have to chuck the dueces up and cut an unhappy love interest out your life, I'm just sayin at most, you should be there for them as a supportive friend as they try to find happiness for themself. Not as their bf or gf because they're not ready for that yet.

Sol_dier said...

The moment you know someone else's happiness/level of satisfaction rests on your shoulders or is highly dependent on what you do or don't do, is the moment you know that person has some sort of emotional issue they need to work out... on their own... without you*. Happiness comes from within, and it's a choice that the person in question needs to make for themself BEFORE entering a romantic relationship

oh this is diamond. 

Bougie Girl said...

Please leave this relationship. This will only get worse, especially if you marry him or bear his child. I have been a very similar situation and the only reason I was able to leave without too much incident is because we had a lot of mutual friends and he was super concerned about how they viewed him.  Still, these type of people have a way of breaking down even the strongest willed person over time.

CaliGirlED said...

I'm with you guys too. I never saw it, just heard all the commotion. But
I feel some kind of way now knowing, from my mother, that he never hit
her, just a bunch of pushing and her running and screaming. Why all the
extra drama if you knew I was in my room terrified and crying??? Le Huge
Damn Sigh 

Sol_dier said...

(hug)

GammasWorld said...

Big cyber hugs.  I'm posting a piece on my blog about DV tomorrow from the "child's" perspective.   

adriennegravish said...

Actually, the advice Jasmin gave was exactly what advice is given to women via domestic violence resources.  It is called a safety plan--a safety plan is a must if you are going to leave and it is also a must if you are not ready or confident enough to leave. 

Some women leave multiple times before they leave for good. And some leave just one time, like I did, in the snow, with my child, with no car. A year later I am alive and thriving and so is my child. 

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