Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Things men say when women aren't around


I'm not sure how it happened. I spent many of my formative years at a private all girls' school. Men were mysterious creatures that my father told me to stay away from lest I end up flipping burgers at McDonald's. [I don't know, he had this whole story about the wrong man leading me off the garden path and somehow forcing me to live in a trailer while flipping burgers for a living] Anyway, so it's been with no little bit of amazement that at some point I became the girl that hung out with the guys. Granted, I'm usually "romantically attached" to one of the guys but somehow I tend to get the cool pass. I can't even tell you how many guys' weekends I've been eyewitness to. I seriously can't, I think I signed a non-disclosure for one or two of those joints.

Moving on... this past weekend I found myself the lone chick in a room of eleven men. At one point, the mood was so mellow that the guys either forgot I was in the room, forgot I was female or decided I'd heard it all before. That's when the testosterone took over and I started taking mental notes. Here are a few things of the conversational gems:

1. It seems that women gossip more often but men gossip about more important stuff. Women gossip about clothes and weaves, these dudes were going IN about some other dude's erectile dysfunction struggles. In vivid detail. Ouch. Though when they realized what they had spent 20 minutes talking about, they suddenly started discussing sports scores. Classic.

2. Men are sneakier than we think. (Not sneakier than women but still sneaky) One guy was bragging about how he hoodwinked the wife so she does the cooking and he takes the trash out. Somehow he has her convinced that the gathering and disposal of waste and recyclables is equal to her slicing, dicing, cooking and prepping meals. I may or may not have texted her to stage a minor kitchen boycott. [Don't side-eye me fellas, I told you women are sneaky too]

3. Men barter sex just as well as any woman out there. After one gentleman explained that all his s/o wanted to do was "get paid and get laid... often" - I had to bite my tongue to keep from speaking out. When he wants to "keep her in line" he withholds either the coin or the cocoa. I don't know his s/o or she would've received a textload of "wake the eff up, girl" too.

4. An interesting argument broke out when a dude said the main reason he was getting divorced was because his wife had gained fifty pounds and just "wasn't fun anymore." Maybe he was expecting sympathy but those guys hopped on him with some truth. Apparently dude had been going through some things, lost his job, started wilding out in the streets and wife had to hold down to two kids, two cars and mortgage while he pulled it together. Quote of the night, "Maybe she put on five pounds for every chick you cheated on her with. You need to fall back and get your house in order." Whoa.

5. And favorite part of the evening: Other married dude starts going in about the tough time he is having with his wife's pregnancy. It's their first child and he's freaking out about the responsibility and his wife's mood swings and whether the cocoa will be the same after the birth. If I wasn't so appalled, I would have been rolling around laughing. The fellas were all commiserating and nodding when suddenly one of them caught the look on my face. "We went too far?" Just a little bit. Sorry fellas, pregnancy is one of the things you don't get to bitch about. Ever. 

It's my conclusion that the sexes don't have different conversations, they just approach topics from different perspectives. But it got me to thinking - what topics do we not discuss in front of the other sex? Are there any conversations "not for mixed company"? Ladies? Gents?

83 comments:

Melzie said...

This is one my favorite pastimes too, Chele. Nothing like getting some uncensored man wisdom every now and then. I love how they can break down a seemingly complex topic with humor and a straightforward view.

This right here is classic...lol "Maybe she put on five pounds for every chick you
cheated on her with. You need to fall back and get your house in order."

NY2VA said...

It is NOT okay to talk about your homegirl's heaux sh*t with your man.   We can not regale the menfolk with these tales, no matter how amusing, funny, or scandalous.  Here's why. It is highly likely that your man will give you side-eye each time you leave the house to go to for brunch with Tiffany and the girls if  you told him that in addition to shrimp and grits, Tiffany enjoys her favorite waiter's "special sausage" once she has had a few too many mimosas.   Yes, that man trusts you unconditionally; however, he may not know exactly how to process that information.   And not for nothing, we've all been guilty of our own personal brands of heaux sh*t.  We don't need the menfolk hearing and sharing those stories with one another.  No good can come of it.  Keep those stories within the sisterhood circle.

rozb said...

Amen!

rozb said...

We don't need to talk about what makes us look so fly out the door in the morning. Like no talking about "dimples", Spanxx, or cutlets (everyone who has the XX chromosome knows these things). No one needs to know how much it takes to have the coke bottle figure or the slamming calves.

BTW - the opposite sex may know, but it is silent knowledge and needs not to be discussed...just appreciated.

Niki Jackson said...

Special sausage... I can't breathe! Getting up off the floor now.

michaeldavis said...

Roz, we already know. If you've lived with a woman you've seen it all. I do appreciate what y'all do to get ready in the morning.

michaeldavis said...

How are you going to text the woman about the cooking/trash duties.  Bad Chele.

maureen said...

I never talk about my family drama with my s.o and my girls drama with their s.o.

rozb said...

But no need to discuss the details, though...right? LOL!

OwenCinDallas said...

Once you're in a committed relationship you never talk about the cocoa. In mixed company or otherwise. It's also best not to share every argument. It gets to the point where people only hear about the arguments and start making judgment calls about your relationship.

thinklikeRiley said...

Me and da homies got a few thangs that go to da grave. Period. No exemptions, exceptions or excuses.

FreeBlackMan said...

There's always one b*tch ninja who tries to bring up a "Tombstone Topic" in mixed company to score points with the ladies. "Remember that time in Cancun..." No sir.

Pure Choco said...

Some things should remain a mystery. I was at a gathering the other night and this girl starts talking about her yeast infection. Every man within 10 paces turned and walked away. Ran to the opposite side of the room. C'mon sista, why? Talk about a mood killer.

blackprofessor said...

I agree wholeheartedly about the cocoa and not sharing arguments when exclusive!

blackprofessor said...

I am kind of private because I wouldn't share information about cocoa, intimate details of my relationship, finances or anything really personal in mixed company.  Usually, I stay with safe topics (e.g., current events, movies, music) to decrease the chances of a misstep.

Sol_dier said...

lost in translation .. xx checking in and needs help translating. Spanxx = Lycra, right?. 
Dimple?, cutlet? - Can you translate pls

rozb said...

"dimples" - cellulite
Cutlet - the insert used in push-up bras to look extra "fluffy"
Spanxx are those miracle workers worn up under clothes to look smooth and "pulled together"

DOH - I discussed in mixed company, huh?

Hope I helped!

GrownAzzMan said...

*Fist Bump*

blackprofessor said...

Spanxx are heaven sent! I wish I had thought of making them, lol!

Troy said...

This.

Troy said...

Then there's always one gets kicked out the crew. Always.

maureen said...

Yes, I don't like discussing cocoa related issues even with  my girls. Some  of that information should be implied.

Grace said...

There's always one woman who overshares details about the cocoa. It's like - no ma'am we don't need to hear about where he poured the honey and what got stuck where and what he was dressed up as when it happened. No. There are a few guys I can't look in the eye now because of what their wives and girlfriends have spilled.

Grace said...

There's always one woman who overshares details about the cocoa. It's
like - no ma'am we don't need to hear about where he poured the honey
and what got stuck where and what he was dressed up as when it happened.
No. There are a few guys I can't look in the eye now because of what
their wives and girlfriends have spilled.

Grace said...

Ugh! As a matter of fact, we don't even have to talk about that amongst the ladies. If you are having a Monistat moment - keep it to yourself. Please.

Lady4Real said...

3 older brothers, 1 little brother and 2 sons,a husband, a gang of homeboys and a handful of homegirls and I have come to the same conclusion; it's all the same just approached differently. I can catch my sons gossiping like little school girls. I can hear my brothers bitching and whining like some women I know. And let me go on the record as saying that men have PMS too, perhaps not monthly but fellas have a cycle and could use a snicker and midol their damn selves.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

1. I still believe that men gossip more than women. Have too many experiences where tales were told to me by dudes, from high school to this day. Women are more likely to talk about the people they are surrounded by, whether known or not.  Dudes are more likely to have the real scoop on people in the circle.
2. Already knew this. Three brothers and years of being a tomboy/"the cool chick" showed me how bad they can be.
3. I wish a dude would barter with me.  You haven't met stubborn until you meet me, and if I get a whiff that you are trying to force/coerce/trick me into doing something, watch out. 
4. iCan't with this one. Reason #4,508,912,305 why I don't own a gun.
5. If a dude is that concerned about maintaining an unvarnished lotus flower, then he needs to never procreate.  Just get it snipped and call it a day.  Or cough up the $25k for the mommy makeover for each women he subjects to bearing his children.

As for topics to avoid in mixed company, I tend to avoid topics about people's ghosts of cocoa past.  I don't share details about major issues in my relationship, any details about the cocoa we may or may not be having, and you will not know my financial situation if you aren't my investment advisor, HR rep, or spouse.  And even the spouse won't know about my personal emergency stash.

Only1DivaC said...

Girl you have never lied on that one. I argue it is every month.

Only1DivaC said...

As I told Chele on twitter this weekend, I have found that men are worse than women when they get together. It is a sight to behold. I have gotten my best gossip from my best male friends. I find it quite entertaining.

BlackButterfly said...

With the BFF's we discuss a range of everything but even then there are still boundaries and that is a good thing.  Mixed company gets current events, music and even politics when I am feeling especially great.

CaliGirlED said...

Folks share all their arguments with you and  then look at you side-ways when you don't like their S/O!

CaliGirlED said...

LOL!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Cousin, through marriage, told his wife about the WONDERFUL time that was had at my cousin's bachelor party. (She in turn told another wife). Let's just say he got cussed out 10,000 ways and never made it to another "guys' night out event". LOL

CaliGirlED said...

 *falls out of the chair* No the hell she didn't!!!

CaliGirlED said...

 "And let me go on the record as saying that men have PMS too, perhaps not
monthly but fellas have a cycle and could use a snicker and midol their
damn selves."...So true!

taut_7 said...

this is why i will never have "guy talk" with ANY woman present. i don't care how cool she may be. she's still a woman. 

taut_7 said...

oh and what guys sit around and discuss other men's sexual problems? i don't know but when i chat it up with the fellas things like that don't come up. just saying.

C Nelson said...

I ... half agree and half disagree. I agree that it's not the most pleasant topic. I disagree that it shouldn't be talked about, because I hang out/participate a lot on a women's health forum, and I have seen the nonsense and misconceptions people pick up about female bodies and the way they work. "Mountain Dew as a contraceptive" levels of ridiculousness, even. So while ideally your female relatives tell you (yes, boys too, at least if you ever expect them to have daughters or date women) the details while you're growing up, I can and have used moments like that to make sure as long as *someone* was already oversharing, some education was going on too. If boys got the talk on women's bodies, we'd have fewer instances of #5 up there.

CaliGirlED said...

I am a "cool chick" and have heard some STUFF!!! There's usually a guy that gives the "not in front of her look", and another guy will say, "Oh she's cool, she won't say anything!". Why do I have to be Confidential Cindy??? LOL

I think some topics are inappropriate to discuss in mixed company based on the level of maturity and ratchassedness of some of the participants, not necessarily gender.

MidWestDominicana said...

ewwwww

BklynBajan said...

The shenanigans of your heaux friend is tops on the no no list. No matter how much you protest at some point what was cute at 18 is old at 35. If she is still earning nickname of heaux and you are maintaining her in your inner circle your man is looking at you sideways when you share her latest tales wondering what secrets she has on YOU.  He may not ever say it to you but trust he and his friends are talking  about it.
 
I know this isn't popular but I have a little sympathy on #5 as some women act as if they are carrying Jesus himself and take it too far when they are pregnant. Just understand that unless its for medical reasons you shouldn't cut the man off from cocoa while pregnant and then expect him to be cool while you breast feed until the first day of Kindergarten (complete with co-sleeping). Stuff like that will have him looking at your heaux friend for real & she knows how to keep a secret.
 
Anything else I could add would have me removed from my exemption status.

BklynBajan said...

I've had to cut loose the fool that uses FB as her personal journal. Why do you have to be told time and time again to stop posting and tagging pictures of everything?

BklynBajan said...

Or digs up pictures from undergrad, posts and tags with comments like "so glad FB wasn't around when we were in school".  Really??

GuessImJay said...

(side-eye to OneChele) The dude in question had been bugging all of us about his problem and the convo started with "What can we do to shut him up?" Somehow the conversation went down a rabbit hole. Surely we didn't know it would be blog fodder.

CaliGirlED said...

I was going to say in defense of the convo that after a certain age, this becomes more acceptable and necessary, unfortunately.

CaliGirlED said...

"... and then expect him to be cool while you breast feed
until the first day of Kindergarten (complete with co-sleeping)." *dies*

"Stuff like that will have him looking at your heaux friend for real & she knows how to keep a secret." *flips over in grave, hollers and dies again*
 

Sol_dier said...

thank you :) My eyes have been opened lol.
here's a swap for you: cellulite = cottage cheese 

Jubi The Great said...

Happens to me all the time too. I've heard some STUFF simply because I was deemed cool enough to be included in the man convo.

Earthangel172 said...

WOW!

Earthangel172 said...

::respectfully submits my best love offering::

Jubi The Great said...

Men gossip so much more than women. Only they disguise it with terms like "running resumes".

I appreciate that the men called out their buddy who was talking divorce. Too many men look the other way when their friends are doing the wrong thing.

Sol_dier said...

Moutain Dew O_O It's always some 'greenish liquid isn't it?.
When I was in school, the rumour was Schweppes Bitter Lemon was the 'morning after' drink or would terminate a pregnancy in the 1st trimester.

So yeah... i see what you mean. But time and place for everything n'est pas?

Earthangel172 said...

I would like to add that women shouldn't tell their man about their homegirl's heauxnanigans because he may try to tap that if you all ever stop being friends. Have seen and heard about this happening more times than I care to admit.

SingLikeSassy said...

But did y'all find a solution for him though?

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

"Too many men look the other way when their friends are doing the wrong thing. "

TRUTH. Or just refuse to speak up because it doesn't concern their woman, momma, daughter, cousin, etc. (and even these associations may not even be enough smh)

I had a coworker, a cool dude I chat with when I'm not on a client site, tell me about theh various shenanigans of his boys, and men in general.  He then went on to say that that was the reason he was going to teach his daugher game and karate.  I simply asked if he would check his boys and their sons.  He said no.  I then asked if he'd rather teach his daughter game and karate, or take a few seconds to help create a world where she wouldn't need those things.

ShawnSoze said...

We directed him to seek professional help... as he should have done in the first place instead of texting us the drama. Naw son. #TMI

C Nelson said...

Yep. Like I said, not the most pleasant topic. But no more inherently eww than somebody's bedbug infestation, brush with scabies, or their pet's digestive distress -- and I have seen/heard people of both sexes go on and on about all of the above without clearing the room, y'know?

ShawnSoze said...

Men don't gossip, we disperse relevant information.
*ducks and runs*

motown_skater said...

the answer can be right in front of your face, but panic will make you miss it....come on cut the brotha some slack.  

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

What did he have to say to that?

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

Lawd! XP

LikeLena said...

*Screams after Shawn* "You betta run!"

LikeLena said...

This. All. Day.

LikeLena said...

So much fail.

LikeLena said...

But there's a time and a place. I don't think the social mixer is that time or that place.

Singlelif said...

Great Bklyn minds think alike !  Your entire first paragraph was the first thought that crossed my mind.

BklynBajan said...

I check my men friends when they are wrong but some of their wives are practically pushing them to step out. Some good (not perfect) but fed up men are counting days for the youngest to get through HS.

BklynBajan said...

Girl - if you knew how many times I had to catch myself from offering him some Pamprin & a hot water bottle....

NY2VA said...

Must be an NY thing because I posted the same thing this morning!

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Not a dang thing! Just looked at me all wide eyed like I asked him to disprove newton's laws of physics. Then doubled down on how the world is what it is and all he could do to protect his daughter.  I promptly told him to never come my way complaining about when women go in on the bruhs because he wasn't going to do it.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

Ugh. Male Role Model FAIL! >_<

GammasWorld said...

I've got four brothers ... have heard damn near errythang from them or their friends.   Every single one of them gossip more than I ever have -- about each other and errybody else too.  With my ex-husbands group of friends, I was definitely the cool chick and knew way more than the wives or GF's ever thought I knew.   I've not had a lot of close girlfriends, probably because I don't share enough, but those that I consider real "friends" know I will take their secrets to the grave with me.   

GrownAzzMan said...

She said honey? LOL

CaliGirlED said...

Not the hot water bottle! LMAO!!! Ok you're telling your age, or shall I say our age since I know what that is! LOL

Sol_dier said...

you cut some brothers slack and they could end up six feet under.
Men in general are notorious for ignoring serious medical issues or discussing it with the brothers when its already in a late stage.

They just showed him some real brotherly love right there.
your willie bought to fall off and you sitting here talking to us?. You ain't ready...

Brenda Kay said...

My paternal grandmother (bless her soul) drilled it into each of her granddaughters don't be sharing your love life with your girlfriends. As she used to say, "While you're bragging, one of them is plotting..."

Brenda Kay said...

Better yet, discuss it with your GYN or the local pharmacist in whispered tones...

motown_skater said...

they showed him great brotherly love...sometimes people know the answers, but in a panic they don't think of the obvious.  so i was saying to shawn cut his friend some slack on the fact that he came to them first instead of going right to his doc....

CorettaJG said...

I'm late.  I've been celebrating my Oct 18 birthday pretty much all month long.  Alas, it is officially over and time for me to get back to the routine. 

I usually don't get to listen in on these men talk circles, I must not come off cool enough *snickering*  And typically I can't  stop myself from asking follow up questions.  But, I am always encouraged to know that there is some brotherly correction happening on occasion.  As I understand from some of the cousins and 'nem, these man circles can be one of the places discouraging the "holy bonds of marriage."  Or at least not making the idea of it sound all that good.

dasmokingace said...

The same goes for men. You just don't know how many men (including your friends) are looking and plotting to get what you have.

dasmokingace said...

I am going to be honest. Unless you are single guy living the single life and don't care about the women whom you are banging, Leave the personal information private, unless you need professional help, Period. You don't bring you business at home in the streets. That is just a moral code you want to live by if you are married or committed. Sometimes you have to cut ties with your friends for any business that near guy talk to stay in the grave.

LikeLena said...

But there's a time and a place. I don't think the social mixer is that time or that place.

Earthangel172 said...

LMAO!

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