Friday, October 21, 2011

For the S.No.B. (So Not Bougie) Files - No. Ma'am.


You know we're equal opportunity around here. So it's only fair that we shine a spotlight on some of sisterhood. Without further ado, a few for the S.No.B. files no ma'am edition.

It's soooo not bougie:
1. For things to be wigglin', jigglin' and fallin' up out your clothes. I'm not talking about cleavage. I'm talking about rolls, muffin-tops, camel-toes, batwings, all of that. Even skinny women look unattractive with half a foot hanging over the edge of your shoe. What am I saying? Buy clothes that fit and flatter. Get a good bra. Tuck it in, strap it down, Spanx it up and get those toes done. Please and thank you.

2. For everything about you to be fake. Hair, eye color, nails, lashes, lips, boobs, waist-to-hip ratio, clothing labels, purse brand, perfume type, shoe material. Pick one... not all. If your purse says Kucci instead of Gucci, your suit is Channel instead of Chanel -just leave it at that. Don't be inauthentic from your rooter to your tooter.

3. To layer fragrance on top of funk. Now as much as we rag on the fellas for the funk, ladies-you know we have some special female issues we need to deal with. Yes, we have mornings where we just "hit the high spots," spritz on some fragrance and roll out. Some days, that won't do. And for some of you that have embraced that entire "layered fragrance" experience where you put the spritz, powder, shower gel, lotion and oil on every part of your body? It's too much. We shouldn't smell you three floors up when you get on the elevator. And by the way, putting expensive perfume on top of funk is just flowery funk.

4. To be 24/7 fabulous... when we know you're not. Ladies. We all struggle from time to time. It's fine. So please stop tweeting, blogging, facebooking about how you are the baddest boss five star dime chick this side of the Mason Dixon line when your life is a flaming pile of excrement. You're 2 days from eviction, haven't had a date since Adidas were hot and are only online by pirating your neighbors wi-fi. But you're talking about your glam-luxe-fab-mag life? I understanding projecting positivity. There's positivity and then there's fiction. Keep it real, sisters.

5. To whine about your trifling boyfriend/s.o. when you knew he was trifling from jump. Can I get an Amen on this one? I'll commiserate the first few times you tell me how your man (insert ratchet behavior here). But er, uh - after isse number 99 which sounds remarkably like issue number 1, 2 &3 - I'm done. Do you and him if it makes you happy but keep it to yourself. We're begging.

Ooo. I might have gotten a little rant-y today, I'm always strict with the ladies. I just want us to step up our bouge. BougieLand, thoughts, comments, anything to add to the list?

292 comments:

1 – 200 of 292   Newer›   Newest»
Veronica Miller said...

Um... what are batwings? O_O

Singlelif said...

#1-2 Should be the welcome sign to the DMV area.  Having travelled around the world and back and forth across the country a few times, I have never seen more women who ignore the availability of proper undergarments, but will embrace the phenomenon of fake, rainbrow bright hair, and throw fake designer purse parties, than I have here in the DMV.  And wear it proudly.  Personally,  I do faux fur and nail overlays. That is all.

3.  I have been the victim of this several times. Just nasty.
4.  Too many subscribe to the belief that fake is fabulous...and if they FB, Tweet, or blog it, and it is written, it must be true.  They should really play that song "No Time For Fake Ones"..
5.  Never complain about your man to friends and family unless you are done or leaving the relationship. Period.
5.

rozb said...

Bat wings are the loose skin flaps under the upper arm that drape down when you reach your bare arm out to wave or raise your hand to ask a question. Usually seen on both "plus-size" and skinny-flab types.

A little jiggle is okay, but when you can leap off a building and catch air with the loose skin those are bat wings.

Veronica Miller said...

"A little jiggle is okay, but when you can leap off a building and catch air with the loose skin those are bat wings."
And I am slayed. At 9 in the morning. LOLOL!

Grace said...

I think you are going to need a Come to BougieLand moment on number 5. I have a friend who bitched the whole time she didn't have a man then she got one and bitched the whole time about every little thing the man did. No Bueno. Please find some happy. Somewhere. Soon.

onmyplanet said...

I really don't get why we don't love ourselves enough to be ourselves.

Jubi The Great said...

Chele you read my mind. I was at a concert recently & the numerous violations that I saw the ladies commit were too numerous to count.

You should add to the list:
*Foundation garments are the key to any outfit, whether you are a size 2 or a size 20. Smooth it out, suck it in, strap it down, etc.
*When everyone in the spot is wearing a trend (ie the feather earrings), the trend is now OVER.
*Please dress for the event & the weather. If you know you will be standing up for 5+ hours, it's probably not a good idea to wear 4 inch heels. Please don't pull out your freakum dress when it's 35 degrees outside.
*If you AND your daughter are both shopping in Rainbow/Rave/Arden B/Wet Seal, there is a problem. Please dress for your age.
*And remember ladies: short+tight+low-cut = trashy. Either show legs & cover up the girls, or show cleavage & wear something longer. Leave a bit to the imagination please.

rozb said...

Chele - you have hit the nail on the head, especially with numbers 1 and 4! I am currently unemployed, so guess what? I do not spend like I am balling, and I make sure the bills are taken care of while looking for that next job, keeping in mind any side hustles I may have an opportunity to do. I am a BEAST with leftovers! As for #3, I once had a respiratory emergency, not because a colleague didn't smell nice, she had too much on and it started me wheezing so bad I had to go home that day.

1. Candy apple red hair worked on Rihanna (somewhat), and it took a whole year just to get used to that. If you are not performing on stage with Nikki Minaj, or going to a costume party - please, for all that is good and pure in this world, leave the Jolly Rancher-colored hair at home.

2. Nails that are so long, you could not possibly be able to "do thangs" properly. That includes hygiene, working, or anything "fun". From guys I talk to, super-long nails scare the mess out of them. Ask them why.

3. Tattoos on places that stretch as you age.  The paw prints on Eve's chest might still be okay on her, as she may have access to all kinds of means for "freshening up" the skin in that area. For the average woman, all that will happen is you will look like a cat slid down your chest. Just. Don't. Also, tramp stamps cannot be cute once they start to stretch and move. A friend of mine had a happy face on her inner thigh when we first joined the Navy. She said it looks like it is crying now. It will cost a lot of money and pain to remove it.

4. If you can't cook, say you can't cook. You might fool somebody once or twice, but pretty soon the jig will be up, and you will have to admit to the "fib". Let 'em know that although you do not have those skills you are willing to learn.

5. Get rid of turned over and run over shoes. A raggedy-A pair of shoes will completely mess up a perfectly put together outfit. It doesn't matter if you have 87 pairs of shoes if you don't have at least one good pair of the basics: a pair of pumps that are interview-worthy, a pair of flats that are work-worthy, a pair of heels that are "meet Mom 'n 'em"-worthy, and a pair of get out and go shoes you can run and run errands in. And make sure you can swing with the seasons. Sandals ain't cute in the rain or sleet or snow.

6. A raggedy grill will mess up an otherwise beautiful face. Take care of the teeth, and they will take care of you.

rozb said...

*If you AND your daughter are both shopping in Rainbow/Rave/Arden B/Wet Seal, there is a problem. Please dress for your age

Thank you Jubi. The more you know, the more you grow...

rozb said...

I live in VA. and I completely agree with you! I can never understand the trend of wearing something tight to accentuate ALL your curves - all 84 of them. I have even seen belly button outlines in an outfit. Or folks in the mall, grocery store, or the general public in Joe Boxer pajama bottoms, Ugg-type shoes, and hoodies. This. Is. Not. An. Outfit.

blackprofessor said...

Dead!

blackprofessor said...

Either show legs & cover up the girls, or show cleavage & wear something longer. Leave a bit to the imagination please - Amen!! I always thought this was widely known but it isn't.

Reecie said...

great list but I can't cosign any fakes. There is a price point for everyone. Lots of designers have lower cost "inspired by" looks now but to blatantly rock fakes as real is faux pas to me! Especially handbags...

the lack of people wearing proper foundation garments makes my soul weep. daily. 

Reecie said...

I had no idea what bat wings were either. I have seen that before though. *shudder*

maureen said...

I was going to ask what is "batwing" until I read @rozb reply.

#3. No ma'am. I can hear my mother's voice, Mo, a lady showers at night before bed and  in the morning before you leave this house. I don't care how late I'm running I have to shower, even if it's for 5 minutes.
# 4. I digress

blackprofessor said...

Okay, I think I can comment after reading yesterday's post! Yall are a mess!

1) Bad weave! Come on ladies. If I can see your tracks, it is not a good weave. If I can see your cornrows underneath, it is not a good weave.  Please pay for the expensive hair and pay someone to do it. Thank you!

2) Tattoos across the entire lower back! I was out last weekend and this girl had "All eyes on me" tattooed across her lower back.  So not bougie or sexy! Even the men were like "Uh no!"

3) My pet peeve - when mama is fly and the kids look like Bebe's kids!  I can't stand to see dirty, scruffy, nose running kids and their mama looked like she just left the beauty and nail salon!  No bueno!

maureen said...

"And remember ladies: short+tight+low-cut = trashy. Either show legs & cover up the girls, or show cleavage & wear something longer. Leave a bit to the imagination please"  ^Tabernacle

taut_7 said...

i know a lot of women (and men) you described in number 4. if they like i love it. but i'm still laughing at you.

maureen said...

I say patron stores like TJ Max for label with not  so label price. I got  Michael Kors there at a throw a way price.

SingLikeSassy said...

Well how about this thing I saw at the courthouse on Wednesday: Woman had her whole right thigh tattooed. How do I know that? She had cut a hole in her pants that "framed" the tattoo. Imma go 'head and declare that a class one S.No.B. violation. *slams gavel*

I have to get my daily cup of decaf coffee but I'll be back later with more material.

Singlelif said...

I think I saw that lady at the Linganore Caribbean Wine Fest during Memorial Day !  I took a picture of her..

hairouna said...

Once late at night on the train, I saw a young lady whose thighs looked like they were trying to escape her fishnet stockings. It seemed painful. Then I saw her feet. All of her toes had nail extensions, even the pinky. And then my soul fled my body. 

Singlelif said...

You are my new best friend. That.Is.All

SingLikeSassy said...

I don't get this either. Save that money and buy you ONE good purse instead of buying all that cheap stuff. I saw a lady with a Coach-like bag recently that was all chewed up at the bottom and I wanted to tap her and say to her, Coach is not ballerific so the fact that you bought this BS and it's all tattered in a way a real Coach bag would never be, says so much about you.

And as a short, fluffy chick, I spend good money and time finding and wearing clothes that are figure flattering. Yes, you might have to spend a little more and look a little harder, but cute, fashionable stuff that fist is out there. Find it. Please.

rozb said...

I love TJ Maxx. And Marshalls.

SingLikeSassy said...

Good lawd a'mercy!

CaliGirlED said...

Aretha Franklin singing "Precious Lord" at my funeral please and thank you!

"We shouldn't
smell you three floors up when you get on the elevator."... My sinuses thank you for this!

"Even skinny women look unattractive with half a foot hanging over the edge of your shoe."...Will someone PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make this stop!!! When did wearing open toed shoes a size too small become attractive?...Men do y'all like this?

CaliGirlED said...

Who let Roz out the damn corner??? LMAO!!!

michaeldavis said...

If your scalp itches and you have to do the "weave pat," if your wig is sweated out.... ' Tis time to handle up!   
And to add onto #4 (although this is for both sexes)...calling yourself  "sexii" and spelling it like that, or saying "me to" when it should be "me TOO." Ma'am, a word...

The word struggle is real in social media.

rozb said...

Too-tight mesh stockings just make your legs look like ham shanks. As for toenail extensions - let's just say unless your toenails are essential for you to dig into objects as you climb them, leave them short. Please.

I hope your soul recovered...

SingLikeSassy said...

And ladies!!!! if you are going to wear shoes that show your toes, polish on or off. ON OR OFF! Anything else is wrong and looks cheap and tawdry.

Kelly Shrewsbury said...

I found this blog post through facebook this morning and it has made my day!!! I live in West Virginia, coal country.  Women here sometimes amaze me-in a negative sense.  Around here, I see a lot of women who won't spend extra money on proper undergarments, but will spend countless dollars on fake tans and manicures that look like Tim Burton was their nail technician.  Seriously! If you need a tan, great. Get one. Go to the salon and get in a tanning bed, even.  But, spray tans make you look radioactive if nothing else and are a waste of good money.  Fingernails were meant to look clean, not like you're Dracula's cousin.

The one thing that gets to me most about the women in my area though is the ones who break offense #4.  Everybody in this town is the wife, daughter, or granddaughter of a coal miner and so everyone knows exactly what type of money these chicks have to spend.  It's a small town. We all know what the real deal is. 

Also, would like to tell the blog owner that this post has had me crackin up this morning and I really needed a good thought provoking laugh :)

SingLikeSassy said...

I wanted to take a picture but she was bigger than me (YES I KNOW I AM SHORTER THAN MOST ADULTS!) and I didn't think I would win in a beatdown battle.

CaliGirlED said...

I hate the pajamas as an outfit in public! It's trifling, makes them look like they stink, didn't even brush their teeth! Uggghh!!!

SingLikeSassy said...

*rocks back and forth humming a spiritual waving my MLK paper fan*

CaliGirlED said...

The doors of the church are now open. Those who will, let them come.

GrownAzzMan said...

Allow me to add #6. Your facebook status/twitter timeline is NOT a therapy session. We should not be privy to all of your babydaddy/family/relationship/financial drama on a regular damn basis. And these are some of the same folks who gripe every time facebook tweak it's privacy setting. SMH

CaliGirlED said...

As for #1, stage, runway, tv/film production, magazine and video fashion look way different up close and personal. It's not for the everyday woman.

"For the average woman, all that will happen is you will look like a cat slid down your chest." I.QUIT YOU!!!

CaliGirlED said...

#1, saw a chick wearing a weave with a part to the side. I was looking smack dab at the blond tracks sitting on top of her black hair in the part. WTH???

#3, MajorMamaFail

CaliGirlED said...

*puts hand over mouth* Really???

GrownAzzMan said...

""Even skinny women look unattractive with half a foot hanging over the edge of your shoe."...Will someone PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make this stop!!! When did wearing open toed shoes a size too small become attractive?...Men do y'all like this?"

Speaking for foot fetish Bruhs everywhere....NOOOOOOOOOO!

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Yaaaassss!!! Alladis! We cannot get on the fellas and we don't have our stuff together.

Chele might not talk about cleavage but I will.  I know some of you ladies are more top heavy, and thus some clothing items look a bit different on you than on someone with a smaller chest. But just because you got it does not mean you need to flaunt all of it. There is a line between sexy and tacky, and for the bigger ladies, it's a lot closer than you think.

My additions to the list:
a. straight clowning women for #2, when you know good and well that there's only 1 thing on you that you decided not to falsify.  Sitting up there with fake eyelashes, tons of Mac, spanx from your clavicle to your knees, push up bra, 12" indian remy, acrylic tips yammering about the chick with all of that and the colored contacts is not a good look, ma'am.
b. Saying that you don't do drama...as you proceed to try to tell me gossip about people that I don't even know.  No ma'am, that's not what's hot in these streets, and saying that you just want to (or want me to) pray for them does not make it okay.
c. Buying clothes, funking them up, and taking them back. That's gross, and ihatechu for it.

rozb said...

Girl - I have nothing to do today (taking a break from resume stuff), so I crept out of the corner for a minute. *wide-eyed innocence here*

hairouna said...

It required a lot of prayer, but I think I'm better. But I'll always wonder, with them toes...what do her sheets look like? 

Sol_dier said...

Fake nails actually scare me.  
I'm not too concerned about people wearing fake stuff. They can't afford it, they want the style.. if they like it I love it. I just won't do it with them.

re: boyfriend. 
Even if he just turned trifling, I still don't want to hear it until you've made him past tense.
You don't like him, leave him 

To add. My fellow ladies:
Seriously, stop with the grabbing your dude just cos he said hi. I don't want him, he didn't even ask me out & and I'm on the arm of my main squeeze too (are you blind?) If you are that insecure about your relationship, you guys need to talk it out.

Singlelif said...

c.  LawdHaMercy

Sol_dier said...

they have designer purse parties anyway?
Thank God I'm a geek.

ASmith said...

OMG. BLESS YOU.

I feel like I'm surrounded and accosted DAILY by individuals with nails that are far too long and make me think they think it's 1994 and they're in an SWV video!  Please... PLEASE... uniform length.  I'm probably letting a pet peeve make me create a standard here, but I'm begging you here.  I'm not saying they can't have a little length on them, but your pinky finger's nail should not make it long enough to match with your middle finger's length, you know what I'm saying?  Just please do that for me.

*sits back down*

ASmith said...

Ma'am... excuse me while I go lie down... in my coffin... at the front of this church...

Sol_dier said...

erm with the exception of the short v necked black dress, accessorised with a simple almost invisible necklace and black stilettos.

*made to fit my fellow sistas with no small butt, small chest and long legs. It's a killa look when done right 

OneChele said...

Welcome and thank you! And now Coal Miner's Daughter is stuck in my head... ;-)

Sol_dier said...

Roz on FIRE.
I can't really critique grown people's body modification choices but like I said before, fake nails just absolutely terrify me. 

hairouna said...

Homophones are messing people up out there in the internet. 

Their/There/They're, Too/To/Two, Were/We're...The American education system has failed too many to count, if Facebook is any indication. 

Singlelif said...

Ma'am...did you say smedium height ?  Hahahahaha, I like that word !  But yeah, purses are my thing. I spend lots on them....so when I get invited to those purse parties, I just give the "blank stare", look.   And you are so right, Coach is not ballerific to the point they are not affordable.

Figure flattering is the business. Lots of stores are now addressing that we "thicker chicks" like to look good too !

Singlelif said...

Ham Shanks..

Sol_dier said...

I remember when those were popular, apparently they are now called 'tramp stamps'. - very unfortunate nickname.
Personally, I want a tattoo of a panther on my back, but thats simply for my I'm a Ninja fantasies.
There will be no marks on this skin, I have a fetish for smooth unscarred blue black skin.

* sighs as she opens up that special folder.

Sol_dier said...

Apparently its just in case you can't see the 'toe cleavage' it makes it more obvious.

michaeldavis said...

thank you! I was trying to figure out if homophone was the right word to use

michaeldavis said...

I'm just happy she's out!  She's been giving me life the last couple of days.

Sol_dier said...

Sir, This is E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G

Singlelif said...

Is this tattoo Lady ? 

Singlelif said...

...and this is her friend...
Don't they say "you are who you're friends are"...
Birds of a feather...

Singlelif said...

True !!!  Not trying to flirt or anything, but I like how your mind works..

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

You read my mind. As a slim chick with a small chest, smallish butt, and long legs, I can get away with more than your average bear.  But I was loathe to say anyone should break the either/or rule lest the wrong person think that exception applies to them.

Singlelif said...

Oh, they have them proudly !  And get offended if you don't come and buy something..I'm like, please, I'm from NYC, even if I wanted to buy a bootleg purse, I can go to Canal Street and pay a fraction of what you are charging me in your living room.  #IDontDoFake

Singlelif said...

Y'all are gonna get me in trouble.  I played hooky today, and was like the 2nd or third person to post. I'm still in bed, because I keep refreshing my 'puter and getting caught up in the comments.  Make it stop, or it'll be dinner time and I''ll havent left the bed !!

Sol_dier said...

Before I forget: 

1) Ladies, it will not hurt you to be able to participate in a discussion about current affairs and no it is not 'mens talk'. 

2) Want to lose weight? lift weights as well as cardio. You will not get bulky unless you are on a 'roid tip.
Want a tighter butt? Get thee to a gym and do some weighted squats + dumbbell lunges. Stop spending money on nonsense gimmicks! A 'special' pair of sneakers will not tone your butt!.

3) Oh and that whole sistahood thing? If you don't respect me, I don't respect you. End of story.

CaliGirlED said...

*hollers*

Sol_dier said...

Woodbury Common is a bus ride away for cheaper authentic stuff :) 

Veronica Miller said...

To sharpen the point even more... I found my favorite Coach bag in a secondhand store for 30 bucks. Even when you're thrifting, you can spring for quality.

Sol_dier said...

SingleLif Mercy! Why you no cover her face? so she can't be identified?

Veronica Miller said...

Yes, I too have never heard these. And I too am horrified. LOL.

Jubi The Great said...

You hit all the ones I missed Roz

SassyJJ said...

HA!

Re: c.  As every blossoming teenager that trying to make some ends, I worked for a month at Macy's.  I was working the cash register, and this loud-ass little girl wants to get in my line.  Okay.  She was buying this cute bluish shirt with flowers on it or something.  This was on a Sunday.

That following Saturday, I went with one of my girlfriends to get her nails done.  As we are sitting in the shop, in walks loud-ass girl wearing the cute bluish shirt with flowers or something on it.  Hmmm.  She seems me.  I see her.  Cool.

That following Tuesday afternoon at the Macy's counter, loud-ass girl gets in my line.  'Hey, I wanna return this shirt."   She tosses the cute bluish shirt with flowers or something on it. 'I'm sorry, we cannot accept this merchandise.'  'Whatchu mean you cain't take it back?'  Mind you, she's a loud one, and only getting louder.  I lean over the register and say so only she can hear, 'Not only is the tag not on here, it has an additional color palette from the dirt off your dirty ass neck.  Nice nails.'  As she shoved the shirt back in her bag and stormed away giving me a new government name, security came over to ask if everything was okay.  I was a tad paranoid after that because I was bouge living in the hood...I don't like to fight! :)

Jubi The Great said...

LOL @ the disclaimer...

Sol_dier said...

Thank you, I was starting to think I lived in the twilight zone. lol
Singlelif (we need more evidence... you making ish up lol...)

Jubi The Great said...

Man...you can't even glance in a man's direction without some insecure overprotective woman running up & claim what's hers. And don't let him speak to you first, all hell will break loose.

Didn't Chele do a post abt a woman acting crazy cause she thought Chele wanted her man?

SingLikeSassy said...

Get a hobby and interests outside of shopping and watching BasketballRealHipHopIceTFootballLala'sWives.

CaliGirlED said...

Stop it Soldier! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

Thanks GAM!

CaliGirlED said...

Your/you're...pet peeve of mine.

CaliGirlED said...

YES!!!!

SingLikeSassy said...

Don't forget loose/lose, moot/mute. Also, conversate is not a word. Neither is irregardless. 

This whole issue is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

CaliGirlED said...

Welcome and way to step onto the scene!

"Everybody in this town is the wife, daughter, or granddaughter of a coal
miner and so everyone knows exactly what type of money these chicks
have to spend."...LMAO!!!

Singlelif said...

I don't know how to do that...plus,  SHE should've covered her face, but instead, she decorated it like a clown...

ShawnSoze said...

You could have kicked in #4 for the fellas #aswell #also. Please stop telling me how you "ballin' and baggin' dimes" (<--- someone else's phrase, not mine) when I see you standing in line at the payday loan store. Payday loans = not ballin'

SingLikeSassy said...

Payday loans is sooooo far from ballin'. That is like indentured servitude. *shakes head*

CaliGirlED said...

"A 'special' pair of sneakers will not tone your butt!. "...THIS!!!

SingLikeSassy said...

And oh yeah! (clearly work is slow this week y'all) Don't drag your feet. I hate to see a woman sliding across the floor. PICK UP YOUR FEET.

And never ever ever ever ever ever go shopping with rollers and/or your night headscarf and pajamas and all that on. Do not leave the house like that unless there is a fire or some dire emergency. There is always time to run a comb through your hair and put some clothes on. Always.

thinklikeRiley said...

If thou must weave... weave with dignity.

That. is. all.

The Husky Bro said...

Amen to #5:  Don't cry me a river (Julie London, y'all.  Old school for reals but that song was the business) about how hard it is out there for a pimptress when it comes to getting a quality black man to justify staying with El Trifelo.  Girl, shut up, leave that fool and get re-aquainted with nature.  And by nature I mean, the Butterfly, the Rabbit, the Bee, the Tornado, etc.

I rather be alone than to be with someone and still be alone and trying to justify it.

rozb said...

Probably like Wolverine had a nightmare and tore the sheets up in his sleep...

SingLikeSassy said...

You know what's really sad? This isn't the lady. Mine had the front of her right thigh from fat crease to swole knee covered in a tattoo. The rest of her looked like this lady though. Sigh.

rozb said...

She looks like somebody I saw at the free EWF concert this past summer. She was a conglomeration of hot mess shiggity.

Veronica Miller said...

Omg, that's so gross. I hate that.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

I cannot STAND to see women with scarves/rollers/wraps on their head while they're out in public.  If you must leave the house with a less than stellar 'do, then hide that mess under a properly sized baseball cap (them joints on sale in Walmart bins and the dollar store do not fit or flatter anyone).

Veronica Miller said...

You ever see the girls with the "leave out"? They have their weave, and then they have their own hair that they "leave out" on top.

The worst is when the weave is Hawaiian Silky and the leave out is Felicia from Friday.

jake said...

Discount is good, cheap knockoff is bad. Had a date where the girl's purse had LZ's all over it. What's an LZ? And the handle came off on the way to the movie theater. She could have carried a plain black purse and it would have been fine. After the handle came off, I had to wonder what else was fake about her. By morning I knew. Water bra, booty pants, fake lashes. She was cute without all that crap.

Moral - most of you are cute without all that crap.

Veronica Miller said...

#wins

SingLikeSassy said...

Jake. JAKE!

Veronica Miller said...

I saw a girl take down her doobie and comb out her hair on the train while I was on my way to class the other day. I was just like.... O_________O. Stop it.

Veronica Miller said...

Wait, wait, wait.... what the Tornado?

*runs to Google*

Singlelif said...

*Jesus wept* So sorry that happened to you, but I agree.  Most women I see who are "overly decorated" could easily be considered cute with out the drama.  Too many dont understand the concept "accentuate the positive".

CaliGirlED said...

I've heard about them too. Never been to one though.

Veronica Miller said...

"Had a date where the girl's purse had LZ's all over it. What's an LZ? "

I'm hollering.

...but you still took her home tho? *BougieLand side-eye*

rozb said...

She might just worship at the church of Jerseylicious...

Singlelif said...

I walk my dog with a headscarf and baseball cap every morning...but then it is 4:30 a.m...hehehehehe

CaliGirlED said...

"The worst is when the weave is Hawaiian Silky and the leave out is Felicia from Friday."...DEAD!!!

FreeBlackMan said...

*promptly steals 'pimptress' and 'El Trifelo'*
Cosignage.

CaliGirlED said...

"...front of her right thigh from fat crease to swole knee ..." You and Roz are going to have to STOP IT DAMMIT!!!

Singlelif said...

Oh my ....there's more than one ?  We are being invaded by hotshiggidymesses in the DMV !

Pure Choco said...

The back fat in that picture has me headed straight for the gym. As a matter of fact, let me stop typing right now. Later BnB.

Singlelif said...

It's a possibility she's a traveling hotshiggitymess !

Veronica Miller said...

I must add... your shoes should not be doing the shoulder lean. When your heels are leaning more than the Tower of Pisa? Ma'am. It's time for a new pair.

Related -- I hate, hate, HATE when I see women shuffling around in 4-inch heels that are CLEARLY impossible to walk in! Honey, your cuteness depreciates when you're hobbling your way to a party. Like, you can't even get through the door without your ankles buckling, so there's no chance of you getting up to do The Wobble. And you know what you look like just sitting in a corner all night with your tight dress and torture shoes --> boring as all get out.

DCbywayofCali said...

Wait, I love how you wonder if ol' girl is completely fake and stayed overnight to find out. Jake you're telling on yourself. lololol

DCbywayofCali said...

I wear my hair in its natural state, and I love it, but my fellow napturalistas not all naturals are created equal. Yes, that's the way it grows out of our heads, but there is no scripture or doctrine that prevents us from busting out a comb, a lil shea butter, and some twisting action. 

Combing your hair is not an oppressive act perpetrated by The Man.

CaliGirlED said...

 "...it has an additional color palette from the dirt off your dirty ass neck." *hollers*

CaliGirlED said...

"BasketballRealHipHopIceTFootballLala'sWives."....All I can do with this is SMDH

JoycelynC said...

LOL! I love it!

Earthangel172 said...

Amen to #1 and #2!

As for number 3, I had a co-worker admit one time that she wears the same bra 2 days in a row...NO MA'AM! Boobies sweat too. Also, if I can smell your vjj funk, then I know you do too. Wash that thang twice a day please and thank you.

#4 is the reason why I hated the song "Fancy" by Drake.

#5 is self-explanatory.

CaliGirlED said...

And having one repossess your Beamer is definitely not ballin! (ref. Hartz Chicken Lunch Ninja)

CaliGirlED said...

And don't forget the new one, the silk bonnet!

Earthangel172 said...

"I hate, hate, HATE when I see women shuffling around in 4-inch heels that are CLEARLY impossible to walk in!"

This!! Not to mention, corns are not cute. Some shoes are made to be admired.

Earthangel172 said...

"I hate, hate, HATE when I see women shuffling around in 4-inch heels that are CLEARLY impossible to walk in!"

This!! Not to mention, corns are not cute. Some shoes are made to be admired.

rozb said...

You mean nobody wants someone who looks like the can hang from the building ledge by their toes?

rozb said...

You said swole knee. I just may die today from y'all acting up in here...

CaliGirlED said...

Jake will you take care of me?...Because I just may get fired after my outburst of laughter!

hairouna said...

Maybe he felt he needed to rigorously test out his hypothesis. For the sake of science and all that...

TNDRHRT said...

Drawn on eyebrows after shaving your natural ones off.  No.
Catching an attitude with the waitstaff each and every time you dine out. No.  Eat at home.
Cheap weaves.  No.
Buying clothes at high end stores and then returning them after you've worn them. No. TACKY!
Too long nails.  No.  Why?
Telling me it's better to have a piece of a man or any man than no man at all.  Nah...I'm good.  Keeps the drama down in my life.

rozb said...

We may have to form a brigade specifically for putting a stop to hotshiggidymess in the DMV! We roll through swathing the unfortunate in Snuggies that cannot come off until they are behind closed doors and have purchased appropriate attire. That fits. And is age and size appropriate. Because we all know that just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you should wear it.

rozb said...

I am scared of clowns.

The Bunni said...

Tis sad, but true.  I live in the DMV also and have been invited to plenty. 

rozb said...

I bet you couldn't pull your gaze away from the hair discrepancy, huh? Like a bad accident, you cannot merely look away, but stare horrified at the results...

Veronica Miller said...

AND... almost none of those shoes are appropriate for work.

#trustme #iseentit

Sol_dier said...

@caliGirlEd The Bunni 
iDie 

Sol_dier said...

ohh you so cold. lol. 
so so cold. :p

SingLikeSassy said...

If I can smell your vjj funk you need to see a doctor cause you have bacterium growing down there.

The Bunni said...

WHY DID I SEE HER?!?  LOL!!  I was in the tent area.  There were some real sights to behold at that festival.

Sol_dier said...

And those electrode thingies will NOT give you a six pack. not even a one pack.
Stop wasting money and let us all get our work out on. Old school style

Singlelif said...

Yes it is, but Canal Street is 2 minutes across the Brooklyn Bridge, and at the Manhattan Bridge.  Plus, the bags I like are not at the Outlet Malls..  The thing with me is I'm a fed....and will/can lock that azz up for perpetrating a fraud...and trafficking in stolen/fake goods..IJS.

Singlelif said...

They even have the luggage..

Singlelif said...

Save your reputation - don't do it.

Sol_dier said...

I see women doing the early morning jog with their night scarves on. I applaud them. :)

I don't care about pretty when working out. 

Singlelif said...

Absolutely !   Personally, I sell my old designer bags that I no longer want on eBay.

Sol_dier said...

erm dude 
You just gonna list a variety of 'adult accoutrements' up in here?. *thinking* Well actually, even that works in this context too. 

Carry on.. lol

CaliGirlED said...

Roz I kept having to catch myself! LOL!!! I didn't know her, and she seemed really nice, but that made me not want to know her.

Man's World said...

My man. "By morning I knew"
*dap*

Sol_dier said...

I knew you wouldn't let that slide without acknowledgment lol 
you are almost as bad as CaliGirlEd.. too cool!. lol

Man's World said...

*starts a chant* Ri-Ley! Ri-Ley! Ri-Ley!

Sol_dier said...

NO NO NO.
I refuse to believe that there are actual people who wear booty pants. No way. *sticking fingers in ears* its an urban legend. 
iCan't

Veronica Miller said...

Who, me?! *innocent eyes*

JoycelynC said...

GIRL THIS! If I had a dollar for every person who mistakenly thinks I just roll out the bed with nice curly hair I could retire.  All hair takes work, so don't be afraid to use inventions called oils, combs, brushes, etc. 

Sol_dier said...

Drawn on eyebrows after shaving your natural ones off.  No.
I know fashion changes and all that but this is another one that I never figured out. if you like it, I love it. But I ain't doing it. No Suh!.

Man's World said...

You've said it before but it bears repeating - No FaceBook names to the tune of
LajuandaBoyYouKnowYouWantSummaDisGoodGood  TooBlessedToBeStressedJenkins

JoycelynC said...

As an ATLien, I see more sorry weaves and bad wigs than a little bit.  There are several $50.00 weave shops here so blame them.  There is also a lot of #4 going on here even in a recession.  I can't with all that but it does give me a good chuckle .

CaliGirlED said...

Ok like me reference from yesterday's comment from Sassy, "...lotion application ended at the ankles...".

Ladies PLEASE stop walking around with crusty, dusty, rusty feet for all to see! PRETTY PLEASE with sugar on top!...And this can be done for the cheap price of some vaseline, olive oil, crisco, whatever! Tip: As the cold season approaches, rub your feet down at night, put on a pair of socks and go to bed.

Veronica Miller said...

I agree on the cooking front... HOWEVER, fellas (and maybe should be posted under yesterday's "No sir")... It's VERY annoying when your second question to a woman is "Can you cook?" Really? Is that all you care about? A pretty face with utensils? Holla a Rachel Ray, my friend, because I haven't even decided yet whether I like you enough to share a french fry, let alone fire up the stove for you.

rozb said...

You should n't have a bra size bigger on your back than on your front. As a matter of fact, you shouldn't be able to wear cups on your back. o_O

David Chase said...

Speaking of fragrance - the folks that bring their boiled cabbage w/ three day old fish cakes to work, nuke them and smell up the whole office? Then sit down at their cubes with hot sauce asking if you want some?
S.No.B.

(For the record, a lot of China smells like boiled cabbage and fishcakes gone wrong)

SingLikeSassy said...

Or black lipliner. No.

Singlelif said...

Or spread the love like CreoleInDC's "The Butters" post from yesterday !!  Shea Butter, Cocoa Butter.. 

Singlelif said...

I still can't wrap my brain around shaving off your natural eyebrow, to then draw on fake, crooked ones.  Why ?

Sol_dier said...

True.
No, I'm not 'lucky' to have 'good full hair'. This same hair you call 'good' is the same hair you label too kinky/4 wxyz/nappy/ negro on your own head.

Its not magic. Its called maintenance and protective styling.

Singlelif said...

Walking like their back hurt and their legs are naturally bent like a harp..while holding on to building walls as they walk down the street.  iCan't.

Singlelif said...

Like they are going straight to their pole at 5:00 pm.

Singlelif said...

Oh my !!  Call ma Gyno, stat !

Natasha said...

All I can think about is the scene from I'm Gonna Get You Sucka..

Sol_dier said...

I always say no I can't, can you?.

Infact, every guy I've dated has always cooked for me way before I returned the favour.  Maybe I'm naturally attracted to men who cook. 

SingLikeSassy said...

*waves* Hey! Hope all is well with you!

Singlelif said...

Yes, there are people who wear those. The first time I saw a pair was on a 74 year old grandmother.  Arrested her as she got off a plane from Cololmbia. She was a drug mule. When I strip searched her, she was wearing bootypants and a fake bra.  She had beautiful tattoo makeup (lips, blush, eyebrows), and a wig.  She had ingested over 50 balloons filled with cocaine.  Took her straight to a "dry cell" in a federal prison so she could "pass" the drugs.  #TrueStory

Singlelif said...

My Sis sells sex toys as a side hustle.   Note to self:  Check on the Tornado.

Singlelif said...

Dandruff flying everywhere..

Singlelif said...

I can't even tell you how many folks got their timeline "hidden" for this exact reason.  Depresses me..

CaliGirlED said...

*falls out the chair* This is another one of my, "Please make it stop" requests!

Singlelif said...

Then you were right near me - I was in the tent area as well. Right under the tree taking pictures of ratchedness..

...and ma'am, you need to come to the next BnB DC meet n' greet..

Sol_dier said...

How have I not bumped into you NYC? lord knows I'm there often enough.
I don't know the feds but I know some 'po po' folks.

Singlelif said...

She should be down with Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey and the UniverSoul circus.  Wrong. Just wrong.

Singlelif said...

I just spit orange soda all over my newly cleaned comforter that I just picked up from the Dry Cleaner yesterday.  Yes, I am still in my bed..

CaliGirlED said...

 The difference between over-the-counter Monistat and Dr. prescribed Metronidazole.

Sol_dier said...

This is the END. 

you have killed me. drug mule with fake booty and the drugs weren't even in the fake booty. 
#flatline

Singlelif said...

She should've been on Wednesday's post. #WTHWasIThinkin'..

Singlelif said...

My big azz eyes would've told the story..

Singlelif said...

Exactly. "Inspired By" options when funds are low have saved many a recent college graduate on the job hunt.

CaliGirlED said...

*holding my breathe and waving* Hey David!!!

Penny said...

People get toenail extensions????

Singlelif said...

"Then I saw her feet. All of her toes had nail extensions, even the pinky. And then my soul fled my body". On that note, I'm going to have to get up out of this bed...

Singlelif said...

Rozb - I am going to have to put you on "Time Out".

Singlelif said...

I put Roz on Time Out..Do you mean she has escaped already ?

Jubi The Great said...

Exactly!

Jubi The Great said...

Forget hidden - I will unfriend in a heartbeat. Some stuff does not need to be on FB/Twitter/etc. Get a journal & a therapist stat.

maureen said...

I can't breathe.

Singlelif said...

My life is a movie.

Singlelif said...

Where are you now ?

maureen said...

Even if you are  leaving in Alaska, I'm sure mabeles (the girls) sweat still.

CorettaJG said...

Girl STOP.  I'm so mad someone let their grandma go out like that.

CaliGirlED said...

 You mean Candy that works in my building! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

What I do???

CaliGirl don't even want to know bout no "Tornado", we trying to stay real tame round these parts!

Alonda Lord said...

Where do I sign up?

Singlelif said...

...and let her get on a plane and leave the country..

rozb said...

David - in Korea they have a fermented cabbage dish called kimchee. If you ever wondered what fresh roasted rotten Hell smells like, this is it.

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