Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Ask a Bougie Chick: I can't afford her


For the rest of this week, we're still playing catch up on some Ask a Bougie Chick questions. Enjoy the goodness of OPP (Other People's Problems). Below, a troubled young man writes in...
Hey OneChele,
I'm 30, single black male living in Charlotte. I've been seeing a woman a few years older than me for about five months now. I knew when we first hooked up that she was used to going out with guys with a lot of money. I get that doesn't make them better them me, it's not about that. It's that even though she doesn't say it, I can tell she'd rather be going to nicer restaurants and stuff like that. 
We just got back from a vacation in Mexico and when we checked in she kind of looked around the hotel like it wasn't what she was expecting. One time I had to stop in the middle of ordering because she asked for a $60 bottle of wine. I can't afford that! I try to step it up and do nice things but I'm on a limited budget and will be for a while. I'm back in school and working full-time. 
As much as I like her and feel we are compatible in many areas, I just can't afford the things I know she wants. Should I just walk away now before I get in any deeper? I notice in a lot of your stories, you haven't been able to make it work with guys that don't have money - should I just date women who understand my money issues and keep it moving?
-Gerald in NC
Hey Gerald, 
Let me start on defense - how did this become about me? Please don't make dating/life decisions based on Chele's BougieTales of Dating Woe. I have dated men of all income brackets. Dating gentlemen with money struggles has not worked out for me but generally not because of the finances. As a friend of mine used to say: if the romance ain't right and the finance ain't tight, we can't take flight. Catchy but the point is that if the relationship isn't working and then you throw money problems on top of it - it's a recipe for disaster.

Now about your situation: this woman knew you weren't ballin' when you met her, right? There's got to be a reason she's not dating those other guys anymore. She saw something in you beyond your wallet, I must assume. What does she do? How is she funded? Might I suggest that if she wants a $60 bottle of wine that she knows you cannot afford, she purchase it herself or go back to dating fellas who can afford that? Are ya'll splitting any checks? Have you discussed any of this with her? 

Best case scenario, she doesn't realize that she's making you feel this way and you need to let her know that it is what it is. Since she hasn't overtly said anything, maybe she's not keyed into your struggle? Worst case scenario, she's used to certain things and assumes you'll find a way to get them for her regardless of paycheck. Either way, how much do you like her? Is this something you feel you can talk out/work out? If the answer is a lot and yes - then have the discussion and hang in. If not, you already know what to do. There are plenty of women who would be sufficiently impressed that you found a way to whisk them off to Mexico that the wine list will be the last thing they are worrying about...

BougieLand - what say you? What to do if a man can't "afford" his woman? Should the woman step up? Or get real? What are your thoughts about dating across widely disparate economic brackets? Do share...

117 comments:

LadyL said...

Speak now or continue to have an empty wallet. If she loves you, she'll adjust her financial expectations of you.

thinklikeRiley said...

Naw son. Next. You dippin' in pocket for passport trips and she ain't happy wi' accommodations?
Sitty duckets on wine you ain't gonna finish? She fancy, huh?
Riley say hell naw.
Onta next.

CaliGirlED said...

Gerald I cringed when you added Chele into your story, but I digress....

Chele pretty much said what I was thinking as I read your story, "...if she wants a $60 bottle of wine that she knows you cannot afford, she
purchase it herself or go back to dating fellas who can afford that? Are
ya'll splitting any checks? Have you discussed any of this with her?" AND, "Best case scenario, she doesn't realize that she's making you feel this
way and you need to let her know that it is what it is. Since she hasn't
overtly said anything, maybe she's not keyed into your struggle? Worst
case scenario, she's used to certain things and assumes you'll find a
way to get them for her regardless of paycheck."

My advice, check yourself before you wreck yourself! Stay in your lane, and if she's not willing to ride  in that lane with you, then keep it moving!...You're trying to hang on to your pride, your wallet be damned! TALK TO HER!!!

SingLikeSassy said...

On to the next. This chick is not for you.

Also, I'm from Charlotte and I have a cute little cousin a little younger than you that I can introduce you to if you want someone who will appreciate you and not expect you to spring for $60 bottles of wine.

maureen said...

Gerald, I will repeat the same thing Chele said above; have a talk with her and explain to her your situation.  If you guys can't come to some  sort of compromise then  you know what time  it is.

Jeannette said...

Dear Gerald, you will never be enough until you start making some $$$.  She's sticking around for another reason.  Just make sure you are not the "in between" dude until she finds someone who makes more money than you.  It's obvious it's important to her.  It's like a dude making soft suggestions like "hey babe they opened a new gym down the street".  Bing! You already know what time it is.

Brandon St. Randy said...

Mayne!!!! So my most recent ex had access, interest, and history with dudes with loooong money. Ballplayer/financier type money. And while I'm not quiiiite in the poorhouse, I'm also a year into running a business and while my longterm prospects are great, my short term requires certain sacrifices. Also, while she was certainly used to guys willing and able to spend on her, she was also in a bit of a cash crunch because she was reconfiguring her business. All this caused a lot of stress in the beginning but here's what you do:

You have an honest, adult conversation about it. Not assumptions, or I think she wants this, or maybe she won't be into me if she can't have that.... Just a straight up, this is what it is conversation. If you let this situation fester, you're going to end up with a lot of resentment because you'll be overstretching yourself. And she'll end up with a lot of resentment because either 1. If she needs fancy things, She'll feel like you're not providing for her enough, or 2. If she doesn't need fancy things, the stress you're carrying will hurt the relationship and she'll resent you for not giving her the opportunity to adjust her expectations/behavior.

The other part is you mentioned she was older. A lot of attractive women spend a lot of early adulthood dealing with the fancy boys, just like a lot of men spend their 20's dealing with Drunk and hot girls. At a certain point, most people get over the surface fun in search of something deeper. And this just may be her time. But you have to talk to her to figure that out.

motown_skater said...

hmm...how did you present yourself to her when you first met?  if you were on the up and up and didn't present like you were big baller shot caller then walk before you get in any deeper.   give yourself a minute to get her out your system then make contact with SingLikeSassy so she can vet you for her little cousin.... :-)  good luck!

Stacy said...

I think men mess themselves up sometimes but fronting like they have more money than they really do. You can't come around with super nice clothes, a nice car and $300 sunglasses and then be broke. Something doesn't add up...  A female is looking at you and after talking to you should may just assume that you have money to blow b/c clearly your blowing it on tangible things such as clothes and car rims... I think you should be upfront about it , we are very understanding. Trust me with so many women single for various reasons she obviously doesn't mind spending time with you regardless of the money factor.  But if your putting it out into the universe that your a "baller" lol then don't get mad when people treat you like one!

BB Waite said...

How much older did you say she was? Something sounds off. Women don't usually switch up standard of living dating after a certain age.

Jason P said...

I'm not trying to start anything up in here but I'm throwing laser dart side-eyes at the women asking Gerald how he presented himself. Plenty of bruhs on the struggle make sure to have a decent car and a decent wardrobe. Women will overlook the brokedown brothers in a hooptie.

Of course he dressed well and tried to make a nice impression that doesn't mean false advertising. Say for instance like a woman with a weave, wonderbra, colored contacts, hella makeup and false nails? Is she false advertising?

I say if Gerald hasn't been upfront about his finances, now's the time. If she's not down he should bounce.

CaliGirlED said...

Wayment, you all have been dating for 5 months? She has to know by now that you can't afford her! Or are you maxed out on the credit cards and now want to lay your real financials on the table?

Something's rotten in Denmark! Houston we have a problem!...Good luck downgrading her to a bottle of Two Buck Chuck!

FreeBlackMan said...

Man listen... I'm sitting here tryna figure out how the ladies made this Gerald's fault? Had he come at her with a bike and a BigLots wardrobe, they'd be dogging the hell out of him. He can't win.

GrownAzzMan said...

What.He.Said.

GrownAzzMan said...

Damn Sassy...LOL On to the next and oh by the way I got a intro for ya? Bougie don't play...

Michele said...

Gerald should have the conversation and then make a decision.  Give her a chance to present her side. 

GrownAzzMan said...

"The other part is you mentioned she was older. A lot of attractive women spend a lot of early adulthood dealing with the fancy boys, just like a lot of men spend their 20's dealing with Drunk and hot girls. At a certain point, most people get over the surface fun in search of something deeper. And this just may be her time. But you have to talk to her to figure that out."

Truth spoken here.

GrownAzzMan said...

*Fist Bump*

blackprofessor said...

If she hasn’t explicitly stated that you need to do certain monetary
things to court her, you are projecting. 
The bottle of wine was too expensive, you let her know and kept it
moving.  If she is still with you after admitting
that you couldn’t afford the wine, her interest in you isn’t solely
financial.  If you are worried that this
an issue, then it is time to have a talk about money and finances so you can gauge
where her head really is, not where you think it is.  This conversation will tell you what kind of
woman she really is and what she truly expects from a mate, which is what you
need to know.     


Are your finances in a place where you want them
to be?  If not, what are you doing to
better your financial position? If you can answer those two questions honestly,
then you can speak with her candidly about financial matters and move on to further
develop the relationship.

Stacy said...

But let a female come towards with you , no job, no car, hair uncombed , no bra and see if you talk to her. You guys are killing me , when's the last time you talked to the UGLY friend in the group... like on purpose not by default . *I'll Wait...* Men always want the "10", the educated, the independent, taking care of their own women. But is it wrong for a women to ask for the same thing.... or expect the same "10" guy.  Why are we looked down on if we want nice things, especially when you offered and are providing them.. We can only expect that you are going to continue doing that if you did it from the start. I think that's what a lot of women are saying if you start at 100% you need to keep it there, it's false advertising. If not speak up ... don't try to throw it on her like she is a gold digger b/c she wants a 60 dollar bottle of wine. I'm sure you gave her the impression that you can afford it ....

SingLikeSassy said...

Yes, I should have used "in fact" where I have "also" cause that's what I really meant. LOL!

Bonita Applebum said...

Ooo Gerald. Are you sure you're 30?  You speak in this letter as if you're awful young. Or not very experienced in dating. At any rate, if you knew she was used to dating men with a lot of money for the first place, I'm assuming you thought you could either 1. change her mind about that or 2. hustle to meet her money requirements.

I'm with most everyone on here. Head to the exit and readjust your priorities. Going to school PLUS working full time AND taking all this money trouble on yourself? Bruh.  You could talk to her if you want but I'd say don't even bother.  You haven't mentioned anything about your feelings you know...so I assume they aren't really that strong...

I'm just gonna gonna hold my tongue about what kind of points you're getting with other people by having a (probably)high maintenance chick on your arm in public........................................................*deep breath*.....................................................................

Brandon St. Randy said...

Is that really a fair equivalence? I mean, it doesn't sound like buddy has "no job, no car, and unlined edges on his Boosie fade." He's just not balling outta control. As aren't  most people statistically. And where did he  ever state she was gold digger? Sounds like some projecting going on here.

Jesse said...

How do you know he gave her that impression? Oh so it's girls only see money, guys only see looks? Really?
*checks calendar to make sure it's not 1992*

ShawnSoze said...

*scans comments* Oh we finger-pointing today? It's gotta be either Gerald's fault or Girlie's fault? Couldn't they just like each other and not be financially compatible?

motown_skater said...

touche'....what i meant when i said how did he present himself was....did he wine and dine for a bit of time to impress (like we all do men and women alike) then later realize he had a super high maintenance sista on his hands that he might not be able to keep up with.  i'm not hating on the brotha at all. 

apologies G....no hate from me....

Mika said...

If this woman with the weave, wonderbra, contacts, and makeup decides to go natural, stop wearing makeup and God forbid *gain some weight*, then dude would be out the door with a quickness. Sure she's false advertising, but I bet she is expected to keep it up.
To me, having a high maintenance woman is like having a luxury vehicle...if you can't afford the upkeep you need to shop on another lot. You can't buy a BMW and then be surprised when the oil change costs more than $19.95.

CaliGirlED said...

I don't think it's totally Gerald's fault, but of course we don't have the whole story. I think  he wasn't up front about his situation, because he knew she liked ballers. Kinda too late to be upfront after 5 months. HOWEVER if he was upfront, then he definitely needs to bounce because he paid for a trip to Mexico and she ordered a $60 anything! Either the lines of communication are crossed, or she just don't give a damn!

And the woman you described above with ALL that stuff, is indeed false advertising!

Stacy said...

The description's were in regards to Jason P's comments about a female having fake eyes, hair etc. It's just general knowledge that men go for the ladies who are more physically attractive and have their stuff together. Can we agree on that? Usually, that means she is stable (i'm talking about the mass of women I associate with we all have degrees, multiple degrees, own car , own apt, can afford 60 dollar bottles of wine but are smart enough to go to Kroger and get a 10 dollar bottle). I didn't say he did state that she was a gold digger but I felt that in a way if a women brings up money she is kinda puts a toe into the gold digger pool.To me gold digger can have two meanings the out right one where it's some random chick who doesn't mess with broke dudes, likes nice expensive stuff, and will do whatever it takes to get it . Now on the other hand there is this underlying assumption that women should be strong and ask for everything out of a relationship upfront let a guy know what you want as far as commitment, companionship, etc. But let her bring up money and then she gets a few side eyes thrown at her b/c how dare she ask a man about his finances or if he can afford something... She's just after his "money" and wants him to "buy her things"...... (<--sarcasm )Yes I think it's fair , when was the last time you were concerned with how much a woman can afford and brought this up to her in conversation. Or told her upfront you can't afford something, or even knew you couldn't afford it but made a way somehow and let her know.  I have never had that convo but maybe some women have. That's just like bringing up bad sex, that's a no no .... you can't take shots at the almighty MALE EGO. You do it at the end of the relationship when he has pissed you off to no avail and tell him he sucked in bed and he was broke lol .    When I spoke about that I was refer to FreeBlackMan's comment about how did this turn around to be Geralds fault. I kinda took that to mean that he was placing the blame on the women... b/c it's two people and if it's not Geralds fault then it's the women's fault right. And if she is ordering all this expensive stuff and turning her nose up at not so nice hotels she's is expecting him to bring more to the table financially right.. so therefore kinda seeming like what some might call a gold digger. Bottom line dude speak up if you can't afford the mess don't buy it the end. Your not impressing her with this b/c when it all comes to the light she's gonna bring up all that crap you bought before and wonder whats so different now ..  wow i wrote a book lol

William Martin said...

I feel you, Gerald. I feel you. People hear "Dr. Martin" and assume I'm pushing a Jag and earning Attending dollars. The women that generally sashay my way expect to be wined and dined and bedaxzled and ish. Dr. Martin generally wants to sleep and eat when he's not on the clock. I have to be upfront from jump. "I like you but a brother got $82,000 of school debt. Still interested?"

In the words of the great Aaron Neville - Tell It Like It Is.

CaliGirlED said...

 I feel both men and women see both, money and looks. I think Gerald and Ol Girl may have both given the wrong impression. He implied that he could "somewhat" meet her standards and she implied that she could "somewhat" compromise. Well now he can't meet her standards and damn sure bet she's not going to downgrade to Two Buck Chuck! This was never going anywhere (IMHO).

taut_7 said...

i've been in similar situations like the one that gerald is in. i recently graduated from school. its hard dating women who are already in their careers while you're still on a grad school budget. if she can't understand then she's not the woman for you. you shouldn't feel insecure because of it either.

Sarah said...

You have to have the courage to talk to your partner/lover/honey about the things that are important. Worst case scenario, the relationship ends. Best case scenario, you take another step towards being in a real partnership. Either way, it is important that you stay on the path you have set yourself with school and work. People who care about you will support you in your efforts. Good luck.

CaliGirlED said...

Shawn I see your point, but one of them (both?) is making it an issue, and it's clearly worrying Gerald. No way in hell she knows his financial situation, accepts it and then orders a bottle of $60 wine! Either she doesn't know or she doesn't give a damn!

CaliGirlED said...

Hey Doc where ya been!

Question: Are you interested in those women who are still interested despite that $82,000 debt? IJS

rozb said...

Gerald needs to let her know upfront that although $60 bottles of wine may be in the future, right now he isn't there. Find out what her priorities are and then make the decision from there.

If you know she is giving your efforts the stink-eye in the first place, why are you still trying to press the relationship? Date her strictly by what you can afford, and if she accepts it and is still down for you, then she is worth it. If she continues to "half-ass" it as you describe, then be gone with her...

Angel Blanca said...

This really is the crux of the issue here: "Best case scenario, she doesn't realize that she's making you feel this
way and you need to let her know that it is what it is. Since she hasn't
overtly said anything, maybe she's not keyed into your struggle?... Is this something you feel you can talk out/work out?"

It's really easy to ask for the opinion of others, but if you're not involving her in your decisions, Gerald, then you're projecting you insecurities onto her, and assuming you're coming up short in her estimation. 

The key to answering your questions is always going to be the same, particularly when you're in a relationship and you want to determine the direction to take: Communicate with the other party.

Good luck, and let us know whatever you decide to do.

rozb said...

False advertising will get that butt every time!

rozb said...

He is lucky Chele didn't devastate him...

William Martin said...

I definitely want a woman who wants me debt and all. Really woman and men aren't so different, ma. We all want someone who accepts the total package unconditionally. Now, do I plan to stay in this much debt? Of course not, so I want someone who'll hang in. Don't we all?

CaliGirlED said...

Yep, and I hate when men and women do it!

William Martin said...

Working, working and oh - working.

I definitely want a woman who wants me debt and all. Really woman and
men aren't so different, ma. We all want someone who accepts the total
package unconditionally. Now, do I plan to stay in this much debt? Of
course not, so I want someone who'll hang in. Don't we all?

sunt97 said...

Dump her ungrateful butt.  If she knows you can't afford stuff and still has her nose pointed up ordering them, you need to do something about that.  If she knows this and doesn't care why would you want to stick around with someone that doesn't respect your pocket.  If she wants expernsive stuff then she should be willing to go in on the bill.

Peace, Love and Chocolate,
Tiffany

SouthernWes said...

Sorry, I don't buy that this woman has been dating this man for five months and doesn't realize he's not loaded. I think she thought it would be okay but deep down it isn't. Maybe not all that deep down.

When I met my wife I was Mr. BrokeyMcBrokerson. And she was used to dating them other types. But she saw something in me and stuck by me. Because she was in it for me, not the bank account. If Gerald can see the same in his girl, okay then.

La said...

Ooh lawd, these comments. *stays in the corner out of the crossfire*

Look, I know it's uncomfortable and unpopular, but there is a reason why money is the #1 reason couples split; the stress of not having it, struggling to get it and trying to maintain it can make or break the individuals and the relationship. But I simply don't understand why 2 adults can't TALK TO EACH OTHER. I think we would save ourselves so much headache and heartache if we just said what was real for us and acted accordingly. You have to talk to her. After 5 months, give her at least the benefit of the doubt that maybe she doesn't realize how you're feeling. Hopefully, you guys can have an honest convo about this and reach some middle ground. Or maybe she will realize that life with you isn't the kind of life she wants, even temporarily and you'll both move on. Either way, TALK. You only stay in limbo for as long as you let yourself.

CaliGirlED said...

Exactly this!!! She's out there! Some women are willing to climb up the ladder with their men, and some just want to be hoisted up from their bottomless pit. LOL!!! (Who the hell orders a $60 bottle of wine while on a date with a man on a budget??? SMDH)

Hopefully you can make it to the meet and greet! *looks around for Tiffany* What's up?

DCbywayofCali said...

So many labels being thrown around this joint today.  Why does this woman have to be "super high maintenance" or "fancy" because she ordered a $60 bottle of wine?  Around here $30 to $60 is pretty standard. 

The issue isn't her tastes and preferences - everyone is entitled to those.  The issue is that they aren't communicating.   Gerald has to have the adult conversation about fiscal matters.  If this is a woman who cares for you then she'll care to listen.  Right now it seems as though he's trying to save face with her. 

If after said conversation she's still Alicia Silverstone clueless then he'll have his answer. 

Best of luck.

GuessImJay said...

I'm going to play devil's advocate. Let's say he dumps her and a month from now she writes in saying she used to date high rollers but decided to date a different type of guy with less money. He dumps her for still having champagne taste on his beer budget.  She really liked him, she's hurt. Now who's to blame?

Earthangel172 said...

"I notice in a lot of your stories, you haven't been able to make it work with guys that don't have money..."

Gerald, I'mma need you to focus and not redirect your issues on someone else. I've never gotten this impression of Chele but I digress.

I will admit that I am a hotel snob and will not lay my head just any ol' place. With that said, practical is my middle name. I have a feeling that you are making assumptions about her expectations and not necessarily communicating your feelings to her. I also smell a bit of insecurity too. Stop focusing on the men she has dated in the past. She obviously saw something in you that appeals to her. Do you truly have money issues or are you living on a tight budget? There's a difference between the two. Just sit down and explain to her that you enjoy spending time with her and would like to show her a good time occasionally but that you're working with a budget while you're in school.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Welcome back!

And yes, we all want someone who accepts the total package *looks at grad school debt and sighs*. 

JaymeC said...

I'm giving Shawn the gold star for the day. Please, please, please - everybody figure out your financial comfort zone and vet those boundaries with all potential S/Os. I may send the quiz to Chele so she can post it. If you haven't thought about this or mapped it out, do so immediately and save yourself any ugly surprises down the line! Financial compatibility is crucial.

JaymeC said...

Hmmm, that's interesting. I would say the say thing to her that I would say to Gerald - what have you two discussed?!

C Nelson said...

Has she said anything about what you are providing? Because a look isn't DNA evidence of dissatisfaction, y'know? Has she offered to cover the costs of any of her more expensive wants? I have dated broke college students who couldn't afford what I wanted but still got their pride hurt when I tried to buy it for myself -- if you want a recipe for resentment, that fits the bill nicely. (Why do I have to do without something I can afford just because you can't afford it and won't let me pay? Anyway.)  Talk to her. You might be pleasantly surprised, or you might have your suspicions confirmed, but at least you'll know where you stand.

SingLikeSassy said...

STOP! with your logic and whatnot. I'm trying to get my baby cousin down in Charlotte hooked up. LOL!

jake said...

Gerald - I may have dated this woman's twin a few years back. Booked one of those all inclusive packages to Jamaica and then she kept trying to order a la carte and extras. No ma'am. You know we're here on the discount barely made it package and you know I'm pulling quarters out of the couch to fill up the tank. I splurged on this one thing and now we got problems. Don't get to Jamaica and act brand new. Let's just sit out on the beach with the free rum punch and enjoy the moment.

Gerald, you have to decide what kind of woman you want. She just may not be it.

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Talk to her and let her know the situation.  If she is able to deal with you on your budget (and spring for more high end dates herself) then cool. If not, then throw up the deuces.

I was recently in a relationship with a man (grad student, worked part time) where I was the one fronting for most of our dates.  Although it was an adjustment, I didn't have a problem with covering most of our more expensive dates.  And, I actually got to go more places and do a lot of interesting things because he found some unique, creative, and low-cost (or free) activities. So hopefully, if you want to continue seeing this lady, you both can reach a compromise.

jake said...

LOL at "them other types"

jake said...

I'd like to look at the quiz. I'm curious.

SingLikeSassy said...

"You know we're here on the discount barely made it package and you know
I'm pulling quarters out of the couch to fill up the tank. I splurged
one this one thing and now we got problems. Don't get to Jamaica and act
brand new. Let's just sit out on the beach with the free rum punch and
enjoy the moment. "

Lawd lawd LAWD! I'm late for a meeting messing with y'all today!!

michaeldavis said...

I like how you did that

CaliGirlED said...

Bwahahahahah!!! I LOVE JAKE!!!

"...the discount barely made it package..."??? I died 10,000 deaths with that one!

michaeldavis said...

Exactly my brother!  I don't think it's anyone's fault.  They aren't financially compatible, which is going to do nothing but cause more problems down the line.  Many of us have been down that road.

KEVIN said...

"It's that even though she doesn't say it" 

Mind reading is a very unreliable means of communication. 

Actually talk to her, dump her or become an Amway sales person in your minimal spare time. 

Only1DivaC said...

Oooo, I want to come to the meet and greet in Houston. I will make a road trip!

michaeldavis said...

Let her know the deal then walk on my brother. Y'all just aren't compatible - finances are a big part of a relationship, and it only gets bigger as time goes on.  There's nothing wrong with a brother putting his best foot forward,  a lot of us brothers live where we live because we budget and live within our means.

I would be curious to know what SHE is doing on her own to get the things that she wants.Like her occupation, life goals, etc. Not that I expected a full rundown in a few paragraphs, but I am curious.  Personally, I'm more apt to go all-out for someone whom appreciates give & take vs a situation where I pay for almost everything all of the time. I have a job and a business I started and budget for the future.  I'd rather buy a more modest home in cash and trade up down the line (again, in cash) than mortgage up for the stone house in the cul-de-sac on day one to impress the next person.  I pay cash only for everything.  My life is not bad but I'm not wealthy (yet). I realize that some women don't like that.  We probably aren't hitting the islands in the first couple of months we date.  Maybe I'm not your type; such is life.and to what Chele said.... let us be out on a nice date and she offer to pay the tip or split when the bill comes?  You'll get my attention (even if I decline, the offer gets you a gold star).

PatriciaW said...

Talk to her, Gerald.  Give her a chance to vocalize her feelings and issues about the topic of money in general and your relationship in specific.  HOWEVER...

Actions speak louder than words.  She knows you're situation.  She watches how you order at restaurants. She hasn't made an adjustment.  Does she ever pay, or even offer to pay?  If so, is her behavior different when funds are coming out of her own pocket?  No, a side-eye might not mean a lot, but it could mean plenty.  What is your gut telling you?  Me thinks a man wants a woman who can openly communicate but also one who exercises some intuition and sensitivity.  She's the right woman, but maybe, just not for you.

CaliGirlED said...

That free rum punch will have you enjoying the whole ENTIRE damn trip!!!

Earthangel172 said...

^^^this!
People get into relationships all the time and don't talk about that ugly "e" word....expectations. There's nothing wrong with having champagne taste on a beer budget but don't expect him to pick up the tab after he has told you that he's on a budget. BUT Gerald has to tell her first. It all goes back to communication. I personally like Dr. Martin's approach.

The question I would like to have answered is, "why are you going to Mexico if you're having money issues?"

Earthangel172 said...

::dead::

this was too funny!

BlackButterfly said...

There is nothing is wrong with liking nice, wanting nice and having nice!  We have to realize and accept that "nice" can mean different things to different people.  After 5 months of dating I do find it odd that this disparity of thought hasn't been discussed between the two of you.  Have the conversation.

maureen said...

"You know we're here on the discount barely made it package and you know
I'm pulling quarters out of the couch to fill up the tank. I splurged
one this one thing and now we got problems. Don't get to Jamaica and act
brand new. Let's just sit out on the beach with the free rum punch and
enjoy the moment. "      Why did read this @ the job. I laughed so HARD.

Mykeia said...

Oh my damn.
I got nothin' for this one.

blackprofessor said...

I would love to see it too!

blackprofessor said...

Love your profile pic!! Congrats on the wedding!

blackprofessor said...

I am with you Doc! I tell potentials suitor that I got grad school debt, still interested??

Earthangel172 said...

Ummm I don't have Twitter so I hope you or Tiff will hit me up when the time comes. Email addy is screen name@gmail.com.

blackprofessor said...

This is what I am talking about!!!  You don't seem like you are pretending that you are loaded but you aren't saying that you are broke either.  And your approach suggests that you are working towards certain financial goals and sacrificing till you get there. Like I said, this is me all day!

OneChele said...

The poll is up: http://www.blacknbougie.com/p/bnb-latest-pollsurvey.html

Mykeia said...

"Mind reading is a very unreliable means of communication. "<------THIS RIGHT HERE, TRUTH TODAY.

Evansaw said...

Ah...Communication is the key. Therein lies the answer.  It is time for the "Are we taking this to the next level?" discussion.  Don't assume money is an issue for her.  It might  be your attitude about not having money right now that may drive her away.  Take it easy, but talk about it.

Sasha Iman said...

Assuming she knew you weren't ballin'.... you realize she *chose* you right? Quit sweating the money thing and making it a bigger deal than it really is. And when it is actually an issue, speak up.Making something a bigger deal than it really is = the hotel room situation. You said "she kind of looked around the hotel like it wasn't what she
was expecting." So what? You don't have to impress her in everything you do. And unimpressed =/= unsatisfied. Furthermore, the hotel could not have been that much of an issue considering your complaint ended with your statement about the look she gave. You didn't say she bitched and moaned about the room at any point during the trip or acted like she'd rather be somewhere else so please, let it go. That's you looking for a problem where there isn't one.

As for the bottle of wine thing, maybe she was trying to budget conscious. I mean, $60 for a bottle of wine isn't all that much. That said, since it is to you, you need  to speak up. At the most opportune time, once you guys came back from dinner perhaps, you should have said something to let her know that was a bit too much for you and (depending on the seriousness of the relationship & your comfort level) maybe let her know what your typical "dinner on me" budget is. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FWIW: You've already made up your mind and seem to really believe she's
placing a higher value on your cashflow, than the level of compatibility
you two have. I don't see your relationship failing because of what you can or cannot provide for her. I see it failing because of what it is you think you can or cannot provide for her. This is where most of these relationhips fall apart. When the man in question decides what he has to offer isn't enough, because of what he values and assumes the woman does too.

Sasha Iman said...

Say for instance like a woman with a weave, wonderbra, colored
contacts, hella makeup and false nails? Is she false advertising? <---- YES

Anyways.... men stunt, fact. We have to ask if that's what he did in order to accurately assess whether or not the woman he's dating is being unrealistic, mislead, or just plain doesn't know any better.

And please note, Stacy mentioned *super* nice clothes, a nice car and $300 shades. If you can't afford the lifestyle that goes with that kind of spending, you're being extra. You don't need $300 shades, a Mercedes, and $5000 suits to look smart/make a good impression.

* The woman isn't getting off easy here either, there's some saying on to the next because clearly she's mining or waiting to dig when, as far as I can tell, there's not much to go on in regards to the woman's state of mind. Gerald is going purely off his thoughts and feelings, not anything she's verbally expressed. *

rozb said...

You are the business Jake!

rozb said...

Thanks, dahlin'! I had to get my pose on!

Ziggy Marie said...

Wait...there is a meet and greet in Houston??  Any deets?  (I guess I need to comment more on here...lol!)

Cassie said...

Bless dude's heart. He asked a simple question and got back several dissertations on relationship and finance dynamics.

Gerald, do what's best for you.

Veronica Miller said...

The student struggle is REAL. So when Chele said this: 

"There are plenty of women who would be sufficiently impressed that you found a way to whisk them off to Mexico."... I was like, "Excuse me while I raise my hand."o/

Veronica Miller said...

If you're gonna start playing match-maker, Sister Sassy....


o/   <--- *pick me, pick me*

CorettaJG said...

LOVE it!

AndreaPlaid said...

Right on, and congrats!

Leila Jane said...

Looks like they were both lying to themselves. He was not up front with his $ situation, she thought she could "be in the struggle" with someone who is in school and working. He definitely needs to own up to it on his end.  Seems like he hasn't even asked her what she wants and is just guessing. Maybe she just really likes that $60 wine? Maybe she wasn't even paying attention? Perhaps she has not known the wonders of Charles Shaw (LOL)?

And yes, if you "swept me away" to a motel 6 in Mexico (which you couldn't afford), I would be wondering why you didn't save your $$ and take me to a nicer BnB stateside? I would wonder why you didn't ask me to go "half on a vacation" so we could stay at a resort? But I wouldn't complain, and I would try to make the most of it. Just because I am Bougie that doesn't make me rude.

Mykeia said...

"Just because I am Bougie that doesn't make me rude."<-------put it on a t-shirt!

Mykeia said...

You are a mess with "Run Forrest Run!"  I died!

Brenda Kay said...

^^^Thank you....

Man's World said...

I've been reading your comments for weeks - why are you always so angry and confrontational? Why can't he just be wondering? Why's he gotta be insecure? Can you read HIS mind? Read your last sentence into a mirror and repeat.

Sol_dier said...

You have self esteem issues.
This woman is dating YOU. She might reach for an expensive bottle of wine because its just what she would normally reach for (nothing to do with you, just instinctive)

Can you read her mind?. 
You went to mexico, not once did she complain about anything, but in your head thats all you hear.
Dude, you are not ready for this woman. 

Guys crack me up sometimes, they say they want to be with a woman who doesn't judge them for their lack of money, then they get one and start complaining.

Deal with your insecurity and self esteem and stop accusing her of ish she ain't say or do.

rozb said...

Yup - it's me. Got married Saturday and that is my bridal portrait. You can go to the website www.weddingwire.com/lionelandroz to see some engagement photos and stuff.

rozb said...

Thank you Bunni!

Leopard_Print_Pumps said...

Yes, you look gorgeous! Congrats!

The Bunni said...

Congrats on the wedding and that profile pic is beautiful!

Ivory Tabb said...

It seems to me young Gerald you lead with money, you tried to impress this girl from the jump by wining dining and leading with money. If you cant afford the proper arrangement's on a trip than you cant afford to go, but since you was trying to make it seem like you could you cant be mad at her for not likingthe accommodation.  You should have stayed in your lane and took her out on dates that you could afford and that your bank account is comfortable with. She would have got the hint real quick and weeded herself out. But now if you want to salvage things  you got to have an adult conversation because of your immature approach

rozb said...

I had fun with it. Not normally all glamour girl and stuff, but hey...sometimes you gotta go all out!

Javalicious said...

Woo! Some of these comments today! Good luck, Gerald
*flees*

rozb said...

Excellent point, Shawn!

Sol_dier said...

Rozb, that avatar???  Is u a married somebody now? Is there still cake left to share?

rozb said...

We had the expectations talk very early on in the relationship. It works. Any extra is appreciated and noticed.

Sol_dier said...

lol. I'd join you, but I'm feeling to lazy to go brew some tea

rozb said...

Man - why are you trying to start a fight up in Bougieland? She is giving her opinion because he asked for opinions. It doesn't have to be about anyone else.

So - what advice would you give? Have you ever dated outside your financial comfort zone? How would you handle telling someone you previously were impressing that you are a "part-time baller"? Remember this is only Gerald's side of the story, and based on that, it is not out of bounds to think he perhaps tried to climb a fence a little too high.

It's all about finding love and being honest about it in the first place. Relax, relate, release...(repeat 3x)...

Jasmin said...

Sorry, that's me. (iPad posted too soon.)

Giggles1128 said...

Congratulations, you look great! (And you remind me of Kelly Price.)

Singlelif said...

Imma have to get up and fix myself a drink..

Singlelif said...

True.  And this is the reason he needs to address this issue in the same manner he was able to gather up his courage to date her for the past 5 months.  Why try and figure out what his suspicions are all about when the best way to get an answer is to address her head-on ?  If he's grown enough to date an older woman, he should have enough self-esteem to communicate directly when necessary, or he will be hurt. Badly.  Past practice is the best indicator of future behaviors.

Sol_dier said...

O_O you are hilarious.
Goodnight.

Sol_dier said...

^THIS^ 
According to Gerald, this woman has NOT complained once about anything.
Everything is in his head. She dated ballers before, so what? she is with you now.

Its crazy, this woman is being labelled an ungrateful golddigger and she's dating someone who is broke O_O!  What gold could she possibly be digging then, if not personality gold?.

Notice Gerald didn't say that she refused to put the $60 bottle down?, or said anything?. 
I think this woman should dump him. How long before his insecurity seeps into other areas of their lives?

JojoRaze said...

This--like most of the relationship questions here--is a communication issue.  You say that this woman hasn't said anything about your finances being less than she is used to, but you notice she balks at what you have to offer.  The time for body language has passed.  Folk need to open up their mouths and talk what they want, need and desire in a relationship instead of expecting their partners to play Ms. Cleo.

Reason 34378901 I am happily single.  I can't with the mind reading stuff.

Singlelif said...

Your third paragraph says it all "I just cant afford to give her the things she wants."  Why stress yourself out continuing to try and impress her ?  You've dated for 5 months already.  You each should know the others limitations as well as expectations.  You've slept in each other's spaces. You already know that she's a bougie chick, and you're regular dude. If you feel that continuing to try and impress her is/can be a financial strain, RUN FORREST, RUN  !

She will never be happy vacationing at Howard Johnsons, Budgetel, or Super 8, while sipping on Ripple.

Singlelif said...

This right here.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails