Friday, October 07, 2011

Ask a Bougie Chick - Does a zebra ever really change his stripes?


Wrapping up the week, a letter from Dee who has this one ex... should he also become the next? Take a look...
I was dating a guy, CJ (not his real name) for ~3.5 yrs. We had our ups & downs. My fault was thinking I could force him to want a different type of relationship (focused on heading towards marriage). His fault was an emotional obliviousness & insensitivity common among men in their early 20s (I'm nearly 6 years older than him). We had two periods of not being together (6wks, 3mo), but outside of these breaks we were in an exclusive relationship. There has never been any evidence of cheating & no drama caused by outside parties. 
Less than a month ago, I decided that we needed to terminate our relationship. We argued a lot, his inconsiderate behavior was reappearing, and he started to exhibit problematic behavior (calling more frequently when he knew I was out, throwing a tantrum when I went on girls trips, trolling FB & blowing up over innocuous posts by HS classmates - nobody I dated, fwiw). 
Now, he was always a little emotionally daft in regardless to showing me that I was/am a priority, but his controlling nonsense kicked up last yr, when our relationship became long distance. But, after another incident of his ridiculous jealousy I realized that I needed to get out before things escalated.  I said we needed some time apart, he protested but eventually agreed. We don't FaceTime or talk on the phone, but we occasionally tweet & email. I would have cut off all contact except we are in the process of negotiating some stuff regarding joint intellectual property, and our breakup was civil so I harbor no hard feelings. 
He has always said that he wants to become a better man & try to rekindle our relationship sometime in the future. I do love him, but I'm not so wrapped up in my feelings that his resolutions move me. I'm not opposed to starting over after some time has gone by (at least 6mo); however, I don't know how I can judge if he's truly changed outside of the confines of a dating relationship? What do I need to look for? And, how do I do that since I've drawn very clear boundaries, and am no longer interacting with his friends & family (&vice versa)? 
I'm not too worried about what happens between us since I'm focusing on some goals I'd neglected during our relationship & using this time to rediscover me (& get comfortable w/ being solo again). I guess old feelings, and a feeling that at least hearing him out is the fair thing to do, are the only reasons why I'm even entertaining a future with him. 
I appreciate your insights, and the opinion of the Bougie faithful.

My first thought is: what has he really done to rectify his past behavior? He wants to become a better man but is he doing anything visible or tangible to achieve that goal? And since I am Queen of the "Oh let me give him another chance because I love him so" let me offer this advice - give yourself some time and a clean break and see what life is like without any part of his world touching any part of yours. If it feels pretty good, there's your answer. 

Bougie Faithful instead of lobbing your idea a la machine gun fire, why don't we do this differently? Pretend that you are Dee or that Dee is your sister... what do you do or advise her to do? How do you know if dude has really changed or changed for right now? Does a zebra ever change his stripes? Leopard change his spots? You know what I mean...

75 comments:

Michele said...

If I were Dee I would make a clean break and not turn back. She ended it for a reason.  It's like when you give your resignation at a job and they try to counteroffer.  It never works.  The underlying reason for why you wanted to leave is still there.  Just go and start over.

blackprofessor said...

Dee,
I agree with Chele that you should let your worlds stay apart for a period of time and see how it feels to you. You might meet the man of your dreams once you do this, who knows? As far as CJ, you will know that he has changed when he shows you change in deed not just words.  Until then, keep doing what you are doing.

MsJamie14 said...

Why repeat? You can do better. You should expect to do better in your next relationship.

However, if you must repeat, he must show you better than he can tell you. Make a list of things you need to see from him in the relationship. If he can stick tho them, perhaps he's grown up a bit. If not... #cutpile for good.

Nicole said...

I was at the juncture where Dee was at. I dumped my now ex for selfishness and cheapness. For some asinine reason, I decided to take him back six months later because I thought he showed some signs of promise. What this decision got me was dumped by him on the phone when I began to demand that he really show consistent proof that he had changed.

Dee, chile, if the traits that you left his arse for are permanent character traits/habits that showed no significant sign of improvement even while you together; it means that those traits will take massive amounts of energy/time/therapy to work out. Since you are not a therapist, do like Johnny Walker and keep on walking.

CaliGirlED said...

I also reign as Queen of 1,000 + 1 Chances, but this, "another incident of ridiculous jealousy ...", gives me great pause. Was this a verbal outburst, maybe publicly, or some sort of inappropriate physical contact? I don't know what happened but it clearly happened more than once. Physical harm is the only thing that makes me advise someone to get out NOW!!! Anything else, I may have my opinion about, you ask and I'll give it to. So IF these ridiculous incidents of jealousy were, or could even lead to physical harm, to you or your property, don't go back.

taut_7 said...

nothing bothers me more than over the top jealousy. a little is cool but the trolling of facebook? the more frequent calling when he knows she's out? i don't know about all that. 

Jasmin said...

I agree. The whole "push someone away with possessiveness then beg him/her to come back" is a hallmark of emotional (and sometimes physical) abusers. You may find that his attitude gets really ugly when you attempt to cut off all contact, but that could be a good thing, because it'll tell you you made the right decision. Hopefully, that's not the case, but good luck and be cautious all the same.

DCbywayofCali said...

I'm going to go with Lauryn Hill's song Ex-Factor on this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cE-bnWqLqxE&ob=av2e

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't working
It ain't working
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

BlackButterfly said...

"give yourself some time and a clean break and see what life is like
without any part of his world touching any part of yours. If it feels
pretty good, there's your answer." 

This is extremely good advice!  It was the only way that I was able to end the continuous cycle of relationship roulette that I was participating in with my ex.  After I ended it and enforced a no communication order on myself... living became amazing again! 

GuessImJay said...

Run, ma. And don't look back. Crazy/Jealous/Possessive doesn't get fixed in a month.

CaliGirlED said...

"...the continuous cycle of relationship roulette..." THIS RIGHT HERE!!!

Bonita Applebum said...

Honestly, you can't tell about what it would be like in a relationship again without being in a relationship again but I will say this.  A person will consistently act the way they are, in a number of areas of their like. For example, if you have a person you're dating who is compassionate you can see that compassion in their interacts with their family, friends, co workers, even with strangers.

But seeing as there were some jealousy issues here, I would go with what Chele advised. Distance yourself.  Make a complete break. If you still have that business relationship, limit it to emails about the business only.  Live your life, accomplish your goals. And if a year later, they happen to run across your mind and you want to revisit, then so be it. If they don't, then that's fine too.  And even if they do change, you just may not want to go there again and that's OK too.   All in all, don't let your feelings or his words guilt you into another chance (IE, you been with him this long so you owe him another chance). Been there, done that, wouldn't advise anyone to try it.  I'd suggest making decisions after having some clarity of mind. Good luck!

Earthangel172 said...

My advice would be to run...quick, fast and in a hurry. Trolling and controlling is not cute and it can escalate into something more.

Do I believe people can change? Yes but many don't. I say continue to be civil towards him but no turning back. Best of luck to you and prayerfully you can accomplish your goals and meet someone who is more suitable for you.

Earthangel172 said...

::puts my lighter up::

lessie brown said...

I should really be paying attention in class. But the topics here lately make it hard for me to keep my mouth shut. I mentioned my most recent ex in a different post. Basically, he started getting kind of needy and demanding and showed an emotional insensitivity that I just couldn't keep dealing with. While I agree that most everyone deserves a second chance, that doesn't mean you have to be the one giving him the second chance. A wise piece of advice someone gave me about relationships once is that the two people in the relationship develop patterns of behavior toward each other that, once developed, are almost impossible for either party to change. Sometimes being able to change these things means being involved with a different person with whom you can establish new patterns. So I'd say, let him go.

Also, having spent my last summer with DV victims, I agree with the other posters who've warned against crazy/jealous/possessive behavior. That stuff is a major red flag. Get out now. You deserve to be honored as an autonomous person, not a possession.

Veronica Miller said...

"I'm not opposed to starting over after some time has gone by (at least 6mo); however, I don't know how I can judge if he's truly changed outside of the confines of a dating relationship? What do I need to look for? And, how do I do that since I've drawn very clear boundaries, and am no longer interacting with his friends & family (&vice versa)?"

Um, you don't have to date people to observe their character. You know, watch what they say, not what they do, all that good stuff. In fact, it's probably better to make an assessment when you're NOT in a love bubble with someone, where you can be blinded by the chirping birds and hot cocoa and all of that. You've already told us how the relationship has been a rollercoaster in the six years you've been with him. I'd say definitely need to look at it objectively, and for more than six months. It takes time for people to evolve.

As for figuring out whether he's changed or not -- that's not your job to investigate. It's his job to show you, especially if he keeps TELLING you that he wants to be better, yada yada yada. I'm like, "Well show it, kid." You know intellectually that's it better for you to cut off contact with him -- so why are you looking for ways to keep tabs? Leave him be. Live your life. If he's really intent on becoming whatever it is he says he wants to become, he'll find a way to show you.

Lastly... is he you're only option for a future? Because it sounds like he is. And I wonder about that too. Why, immediately after a break-up, are you "entertaining a future"? Nah, homie! Entertain a future with yourself first, and determine whether or not he fits into that later. Likely, it'll be some other guy (nicer, more mature, emotionally stable and hot) who will show you what it is to be in a relationship worth entertaining. I'm a firm believer in that.

Sasha Iman said...

"I guess
old feelings, and a feeling that at least hearing him out is the fair thing to
do
, are the only reasons why I'm even entertaining a future with him. "

You don't owe him anything, and serious behavioral change takes more than 6 months to make. I'd follow Jamie's advice if you really want to give him another chance. 

If I were in your shoes though, I'm not fuggin' with anyone who displays "ridiculous jealousy" and/or controlling behavior. I may have seen one too many Law and Order SVU episodes, but this behavior often escalates and I'm not one to take chances with my life, because I'm chancing it on someone else..... I may be overreacting here, but I'd rather be safe than sorry and those types always love you and are trying to be a better man before, during, and after you get got.

Sol_dier said...

Everybody is capable of change but only if they really want to change themselves not if we want to see them change.

Ask yourself, If he was trying to get into a school and they rejected him because of his poor habits, how would he show them he had changed without being able to attend classes or step on the school property and without getting a do not trespass charge? 

If Dee was my sister, I'd say: You know, its okay if dude was a season in your lifetime. 

Veronica Miller said...

"While I agree that most everyone deserves a second chance, that doesn't mean you have to be the one giving him the second chance."
YES.

BklynBajan said...

Dee - In 3.5 years he has already shown you who he is and it is NOT enough for you. What will 3.5 more years do but bring you to 7 years. You will be singing the same song & feeling more guilt/obligation to make it work because of the time invested. He may be a good man in time but he is not THE man for you right now. Let him go with love all the way and don't look back.

I find it hard to believe that someone with whom you are having so much trouble with personally is mature enough to be in a business partnership with you. If you have in fact developed something that is "the next big...." then get a lawyer address your rights, future % & royalties and let that go also. How much business are you really doing via Twitter?? Seriously? In my mind its an excuse to maintain a tie with him and you have to believe that you are better that THIS and you deserve better.

I'm saying this from experience. I know hearing this hurts. I know depending on the messenger you focus on "she don't know what she's talking about or her man ain't isht either" and every other distraction other than the facts that your gut knows is true. The truth is the only thing that would make my 22 year old self listen and get back all those prime egg years is a ride in a time machine.  I can only share that there is no prize in being strong or hanging in there on hope for a better tomorrow with someone who doesn't currently fill your life with light and joy.

La said...

I believe wholeheartedly people can change. But you CANNOT ever change someone. It just won't work. That being said, he has to actually change. You've spent 3.5 years with him, I am sure you can tell when his actions align with his talk. When that happens, then maybe you can CONSIDER being with him again.

I suspect however, if you spend the next 6 months really focusing on yourself, and not on what he may or may not be changing, you will find that even if he does grow up, you have already evolved past him.

Veronica Miller said...

Yes. She's so looking for excuses to hold on... either because she really thinks he's the ONLY one... or because she doesn't think she can do any better. :-(

La said...

"In fact, it's probably better to make an assessment when you're NOT in a love bubble with someone, where you can be blinded by the chirping birds and hot cocoa and all of that."

THIS. ALL. DAY.

maureen said...

Oprah says," first  it is  a pebble, then a rock and before you know it is a boulder. " Maya Angelou  says "The first time someone shows you who they are , believe them."  My cousin went through a similar situaiton with her husband early this year  and,  their church asked her not to ask for divorce because he said he was going to change. 6 months later  he is back to his old ways. I say all these to say, his behaviour is  and indication something bigger than what is scratching the surface. I would advise my sister to let this one go.

Veronica Miller said...

The CHURCH asked her not to divorce?

That's cray.

Mykeia said...

Hmmmmm...if this were me I would remain friends but cut the financial connections--but that's the only child in me.  
Enjoy the time alone, I really enjoy my "me time"...selfish I know.
Let him grow up a little...let him chose his path and discover his path maybe it will lead back to Dee who knows...
Why is there now a long distance relationship?  This could already be the sign that Dee needed, sometimes we block our clues...
Be well.

Lady4Real said...

I am fairly young but old enough to know a little something. I have three younger sisters, one who keeps a revolving door for exes and I never understand why she does it. Now I may sound hypocritical being that the hubs is my ex from my teenage years but our break-up was not mutal nor because of flaws he possesed, I broke up with him because of my own personal issues but that is neither here nor there.

If Dee were my sis I would say, "There is a reason why you decided to make your ex your ex, X is a sign that something is not correct, we 'X' out things because they are not sufficent, it is not the correct answer, or it needs to be disposed of. It's not healthy to go digging through the trash and then eating whatever you decided was spoiled and needed to be thrown away. When having a yard sale you look crazy when you try to take back or buy back something that you have already marked for sale. At some point you looked at the item, assessed its worth and decided that you could do without the item. You did the same thing when you broke off your relationship. You looked at your situation, assesed its need in your life and decided that you could do without him. Trust your initial evaluation, his behaivors do not fit your needs or desires. He may be a good friend but not a good boyfriend, let him go. Take some time out to step back and experience life on your own without him and if life is just too unbearable and if he makes life glitter and glisten, if you find that being with him is one thousand times better than being without him then commence the tapback but if not continue in the new journey that you have set forth and enjoy your life without the ex."

I think I just agreed with my BougieCousin, take time to enjoy life without him and see how it feels, but in my 28 years of living life I have never known a leopard to change his spots unless he got immersed in religion and Jesus touched his heart in such a way that no one would believe who he was because of who he is now, other then that people pretty much stay the same. Money, Religion and sometimes life threatening experiences change people but for the most part we are who we are and we don't change much. He is who he is and is going to continue to be who he wants to be. 

Lady4Real said...

THIS. RIGHT. HERE.
I may watch too much SVU too but it's real life. Jealousy and control are no joke and leave families mourning way too soon when ignored way too much.

Beautifully Complex said...

"emotional obliviousness & insensitivity" "inconsiderate" "Controlling" "ridiculous jealousy"
"I'm not too worried about what happens between us"" I guess old feelings, and a feeling that at least hearing him out is the fair thing to do, are the only reasons    why I'm even entertaining a future with him."*When people  show you who they are believe them. It's important in relationships to be honest about who a person IS as opposed to who we want them to be or become.  I'm not talking about the struggling student who has the potential to be successful one day, I mean the ESSENCE of  who they are.  He has already acknowledged that he "wants to be a better man" so even he knows that his behavior is not working but in all this time there has been no improvement. I think 3.5 yrs is significant time to know what you are dealing with & you seem to already know & don't seem too emotionally invested in which way it's gonna go, just based on your language. You don't "owe" anybody your future. It's your life and you decide who and what you want in it. Like someone said upthread, what commonly happens is he will become who you needed him to be for the next woman & sometimes this is what women fear so we hang on. But I believe that in order for some people to fundamentally change, they have to experience TRUE loss and not just the " threat "of loss & that is why it turns out this way some time. Good luck and make the best decision for YOU.*

Lady4Real said...

I've come to learn that a loving and compassionate man is willing to let someone he loves go if he is not making them happy or if he can see that he is hurting them. An abusive man (unfortunately I have experience with these type of men) does not care about hurting you, he will never want to let you go and he will try to make these things look and sound like love, his possession and jealousy are supposed to be a badge of his love which is complete bullshiggity. In the words of Madea "Love him from a distance"

Lady4Real said...

An old B~n~B quote has come to mind, "Run and turn left at the lantern."

happinessisme said...

Give it up. You have given three years and some change to this relationship. It doesn't take a day to recognize sunshine sweetheart. Focus on you first. Then perhaps learn from this be better in your next relationship. 

ClayJones said...

Hello. First time here. I'm a friend of Owen's and a bit older than some of the Bougie regulars. I'm on the other side of fifty. In my experience, it's rare to teach dogs (of any age) new tricks. Not saying that people don't change but the inherent dynamics of a relationship do not shift unless both parties work to change it. There is a reason this man felt insecure with you. It is something inside him that reacts this way to you.  Unless you both have made efforts to correct the dynamic, his behavior will continue to manifest in one unpleasant way or the other.

If you think you are willing to put a lot of work in (carry the balance of the relationship while he makes repairs) and your feelings run that deep, I suggest seeking outside help to get to the root of his clinginess. My gut tells me that you should follow Ms. Chele's advice and put time and distance between you before making any decision at all.

My first day here and I wrote a book. Sorry and hello everybody.

OneChele said...

*waves excitedly* Hi Clay! Thanks for coming through and commenting. Stick around, won't you?

Pure Choco said...

Hi Dee - the fair thing to do is to protect yourself at all costs. You really don't owe him any second/third/fourth chances. I've been there and done that. Ran into him recently, and just now after six years has he grown.

To answer your questions - what should you look for? Nothing right now, it's too soon. Next, decide if there is any room for you two to maintain a relationship outside of dating. Can you just be friends? Sometimes you cannot. Lastly, there's no rush. If he's a better person this week he'll be even better six weeks from now.

CaliGirlED said...

Hi Clay, welcome! Great comment!

Lady4Real said...

No it's not, I stayed in my previous marriage for 5 years because the CHURCH said unless he cheats I can't leave. I caught ole boy on dating websites, and MySpace getting his flirt on, but this still was not grounds for divorce, just more counseling. We were physically fighting each other, still no grounds just more counseling, he was a drug addict, still not grounds, just more counseling, he lied, stole from me and hid money from me, still not grounds. He beat my son, got him removed from my home STILL NOT GROUNDS, Well the last one was the last straw for me and I got my divorce, left the church and have no desire for organized reliogion no time soon. You'd be surprised what some 'churches' endorse and do.

maureen said...

Chic, when I heard that I was like Ok then.

BklynBajan said...

I wanted to add this: At the end of the day she shouldn't have to ask what to look for. If what he is bringing/offering doesn't on face value show HER immediately that he has truly changed then no check list from the outside will facilitate his actions. He has to change how he is approaching you. He has to change how he treats you. He has to embody traits that will make you feel without a doubt that he has your best interest in every action he takes with or for you. No one else can tell you what that is.

Not every romance has a fairy tale ending. You may be the one he needs to lose so that he'll grow up and treat the next woman right. He may have been the one that took you for granted so that you'd recognize and know for yourself what your check list of needs and wants are.  Chances are earned not owed. Old feelings lead to reruns of old results. The only person you owe anything to is yourself & the future you deserve.

BklynBajan said...

<>

Welcome Clay! That quote resonates so much & I wish I understood this years ago. Unless BOTH are willing to make the effort things will never change.

BklynBajan said...

*There is a reason this man felt insecure with you. It is something inside him that reacts thsi way to you. Unless you both have made efforts to correct the dynamic, his behavior will continue to manifest inone unpleasant way or the other.*

Welcome Clay! That quote resonates so much and I wish I understood this years ago. Unless BOTH are willing to make the effort things will never change.

Angelique Turner said...

OK  first thing first i can see how people who are in a fuck up relationship them self can give you or anyone insight.

Relationship are crazy and we all know it. I was in love with one guy who hurt me to my very  soul but he kept on  coming back tell me how he as change. Six months a go  we ran into  each  other i was like lets have sex. So i  gave him the best sex ever them told him it was over for good. I told him if you can't  love now don't love later when my later is much greater  because i don't want any impersonator.

That work me may not work for you. She  know this man so she should know what to do. Just tell him two bloodclot

Veronica Miller said...

.....


Well alright then.

thinklikeRiley said...

*Looks around in confusion* This is still BougieLand right?

JoycelynC said...

I believe that was compliments of Riley. 

tiffanyinhouston said...

I think what resonated with me the most was this sentence:

he was always a little emotionally daft in
regardless to showing me that I was/am a priority


Us she women are always running around here quoting Maya/Iyanla/Oprah and who ever else about when someone shows you who they are believe them, right?? And outside of the other foolery that he's done (FB stalking, being possessive etc etc etc), he showed you who he was. And you stayed anyway.

I know what I speak of because I also dated the same man twice, in the hopes that seven years later he'd grown up. He had not. He was still horrible with finances, still emotionally damaged and the only difference was that he was 7 years older.

Dee, there is a day after, and a life after. Once you've completed your business with this CJ dude, please keep it moving. Don't waste any more of your pretty on him.

JoycelynC said...

Very well stated.  I think she knows what to do but wants to get a list for those moments of weakness that always come at the end of a long relationship.  She may not be there now but in those moments, she wants something tangible (a la the list of changes to look for) to help her stay away. 

Earthangel172 said...

#blankstare

Earthangel172 said...

Welcome Clay!

C Nelson said...

What was that again about people showing us who they are? Somebody just #overexposed ...

Angelique Turner said...

i live for me not for anyone else

C Nelson said...

Your instincts were clearly screaming at you loudly enough that you got out "before things escalated." This is not the time to start ignoring them, not when your safety might be at stake. Even if this man were the perfect man (and nobody with that kind of jealousy/possessiveness issue is the perfect man, but whatever) you would still be better off with the second best man as long as that one was stable, secure, and safe.

Angelique Turner said...

i speak my mind!!! i need to lie!! people i need to star living for them self and stop caring what others say.

Angelique Turner said...

please tell them because i think they just love to write this long shit that's not so truthful 

OneChele said...

Angelique,
Thank you for sharing your opinion so passionately but I did edit one of your comments and remove the other - there's no cursing in BougieLand. We try to keep the discourse as civil as possible without being inflammatory. 

Reads4Pleasure said...

Aren't you supposed to be guarding the door against these types of things? Sheesh.

ShawnSoze said...

Ur um... what we doing today?
Dee - trust your gut. The same instinct that drove you to write in is the one you need to listen to.
Tantrums and FB stalking are not what's hot in the relationship streets. You knew what you were doing when you walked away... keep walking.

Angelique Turner said...

think whatever  you want i don't give a rat ass. I  live a good life in Jamaica. Men don't run my world i run shit !!!. Once i was living for everyone's opinion i cut that shit out now i am so happy 

Veronica Miller said...

..........


S.No.B.

Leopard_Print_Pumps said...

Someone got lost on their way to another blog. #IJS

Trey Charles said...

^^^We even put folk out bougie-style.

Sarah said...

Hmm. I've been debating whether to comment or not. I'm trying to leave the past in the past and any opinion I have on this matter comes from my experiences with the last boyfriend. I would say he was jealous, possessive, and extremely manipulative. In fact, he was so manipulative that it took at least a year if not longer to get my head straight again. It has been three years now and although I hold no ill will towards him, there is nothing that would make me think it would be a good idea to even talk to him let alone see him again. He was a master at the sorrowful apology and the easy promises of change. Based on my experience, I would suggest you give yourself some time without him in your life in any way and then see how you feel. I would reiterate what others have said: you don't owe him anything. It isn't being mean or unforgiving to decide to move on. It's your life and the best thing you can do is live it with enthusiasm and purpose. Best of wishes.

Sol_dier said...

Its very common. I had a convo with a family member about divorce.
When I mentioned spousal abuse as a reason to file, I was told that is not a good enough reason and is a sign the devil was trying to rip them apart. According to this person, the wife needed to fast and pray for deliverance of her husband, if she had been doing that he wouldn't have hit her. O_O

There are many dodgy people apparently successfully corrupting 'the word'. 

Javalicious said...

The Contessa don't play.

Javalicious said...

I like the new guy.

Sasha Iman said...

o.O Say what now?

*snickers* And people don't believe me when I say the Black Church keeps women down. So much so I almost think it's intentional.

*dodges lightening and runs out BL*

Angelique Turner said...

why do you think more men then are not on this blog because all women do is attack each other for the opinion sad but true 

Veronica Miller said...

Intentional? No way! All the church wants is for women to keep the pews warm, volunteer during the week, pay tithes, offerings AND the building fund, and eventually the Lord will one day bless them with a ma---.

...oh.

C Nelson said...

Methinks the, err, lady -- doth protest too much. Because I'm West Indian too, I do mean this more gently than it may sound. People who genuinely don't care what anyone thinks usually don't feel the need to respond multiple times to different people to proclaim that fact. It's okay to want approval; on some level, we all do. It's okay to be embarrassed that something we said or did didn't go over the way we intended, too. We've all been there. But you probably want to learn, some time before you grow too much older, how to smile wryly and shrug it off gracefully when it happens, instead of digging yourself in deeper with declarations no-one else quite believes either. I promise you, it will make things smoother, and I say that as someone who sometimes forgets the lesson and pays the price for it myself.

Singlelif said...

This letter sounds like something I saw on Divorce Court "Before They Get Married". The woman had reservations about the guy who exhibited some of the same behaviors described in the letter.  My advice would be the same advice Judge Lynne Toler offered - unless he exhibits sustained, consistent, longterm change, don't do it.  Actions speak much louder than words, and you will never know this unless you give it time. 

I personally like the idea of having no contact with the Ex for an extended period.  Hopefully by then, a more deserving suitor will come your way and show you how a good relationship can progress. Your life is golden. Treat it that way.

Singlelif said...

...a book worth reading.  Welcome, ClayJones !

SingLikeSassy said...

Sometimes we get so used to dysfunction we start to think that's how ish is normally. No ma'am. You know deep down that good, no GREAT, relationships do not involve jealousy and FB stalking and so forth.

This dude is not for you. On to the next. Good luck.

AGrownAzzMan said...

Call me the king of one-and-done. I don't even know why this is a question.

JojoRaze said...

Could I just say Judge Toler is the best.  I was angry they got rid of Judge Mablean, because I just loved her best friend-judge vibe and her name.  And I was especially angry when I heard that they got rid of her because they didn't want to hire a hair stylist for her I was ticked but Judge Toler is a great replacement-less gossipy and more down to earth.

Singlelif said...

Me too !  Love Judge Lynne (but wish Judge Mablean well) !

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