Thursday, September 08, 2011

What would you do? The communication dilemma

A few questions for you from the readership. You answer and then we'll take a deep dive into it tomorrow. The scenarios:

Case One:
It's date number five. Guy and girl are having a great night out. Drinking happens. Loose lips happen. The girl ends up oversharing and tells guy something she would never share under sober circumstances. The next morning she doesn't remember saying it. He is a little freaked out and wonders - do I tell her that I know this? And then what do I do with it? What would you do?

Case Two:
Guy and girl have been going out for a few months. Girl tells guy she's not getting enough from him communication wise. She says he tells her more in texts and email than he does face to face. She also says she wants to hear from him more often. He talks to her at least once a day, they go out at least once a week. He wonders how much more is enough. She's frustrated, he's frustrated? What would you do?

BougieLand, what would you do and what would you tell them to do? Or are they the same thing? Please discuss, the floor is yours.

48 comments:

MsJamie14 said...

Case One: He should tell her what he knows, why he's freaked so that they may talk about it openly. You're still feeling things out around date 5, but even still, if he's gonna add her to the cut pile, he shouldn't just disappear on her. In addition, he needs to address the concern of her drinking to the point of her not remembering things the next day. #nobueno. The future with him does not look good for ole girl.

Case Two: She shouldn't respond to his texts/emails and starting calling him more in response. Clearly, he thinks he's doing enough, so she needs to steer things in the direction that she wants. Eventually he'll get it, or he won't... If  he doesn't then she'll have to make a decision on if the relationship is going to progress further. The invention of email and text has a lot of people "hating" to talk on the phone nowadays and are better in written form anyway. She might want to relax her expectations on this one a tad.

taut_7 said...

scenario 1: i think i would disclose the information that i know about her. lay all the cards on the table.

scenario 2: honestly i don't see the problem with the communication. they talk once a day on top of emails and texts? what more does she want? i think i might be missing something. 

CaliGirlED said...

Case 1): He definitely needs to let her know what she said.  They need to discuss it openly and honestly. What he does after that is up to him and his trust in whether she's being honest and his confidence in her promise that it will never happen again. If it's something recent and is just who she is, then he may need to evaluate whether or not she's really for him. This is the "fork in the road" moment and could possibly have a major impact on their future if they continue dating.

Case 2): This one is difficult because no one wants to end a seemingly good thing over lack of communication. However they must realize that the lack of communication is why it's only "seemingly good". She wants more, he feels he's giving enough. Either she needs to accept what he's giving, he needs to give more, or they need to find the middle ground. But sometimes there is no compromise in this. I say it's time to re-evaluate and determine if one can be happy if nothing changes with the other.

Personally, I can look back and see that staying in a relationship where there is lack in communication is detrimental to both parties involved. I would not remain in such a relationship again. I've tried it twice, "the square DOES NOT fit into the circle"! I get it!!!

Bonita Applebum said...

Scenario 1:  Why is he freaked out?  Because of the info she shared or because she shared sensitive info while under the influence?  I think if the information was something that bothered him and was potentially a deal breaker, he needs to let her know so they can talk about it. If it's because she had loose lips, I'd say he should let her know that she let something slip that she probably didn't want to and not hold it against her.

Scenario 2: They need to talk. He needs to share his thoughts on the situation and then they need to come up with something that works for them both. Compromise. 

thinklikeRiley said...

1. Imma tell it. If ya ain't want ya skeletons in da open, keep da closet door shut
2. Let a brotha breathe

Sasha in Stilettos said...

1. I'm dying to know what she said that freaked him out. Did she kill her last s/o? Did she used to run drugs fro the Mexican cartel - what? Whatever it is, he needs to tell her so they can discuss which witness protection plan to go into. I watch too much TV.

2.  I guess they both need to decide what works. He feels he's doing enough, she doesn't. They need to meet int he middle.

Jasmin said...

I need to leave for work so I'll just touch scenario 2: Perhaps she doesn't want more communication point blank, but when she's feeling neglected, she pulls out that reasoning. If these are both grown, working people, I can't imagine more than 1 call a day would make much sense since it would be 2 calls in like a 3-hour span. Either way, she should take the initiative and call him more. She may find out that they don't actually have anything to talk about the second time around and drop it.

Brneyed1 said...

Scenario#1:  He should tell her what he knows and ask what she wants to do next.  She may be mortified by her own actions and want to bolt.  

Scenario #2:  This could be a big problem.  The next conversation they have needs to be a face-to-face about what sufficient communication looks like to each of them, and then see if they can come to a compromise.  

maureen said...

Case One: what is their relationship status, and what  she shared, is it uncurable STD disease, she is still married, sex change, working as a covert? If this is  someone I'm planning long term with, then yes I would share that information with them and  talk about  it . see if it is something we can overcome.   I believe in open lines of communication, done with respect.

Case two: Maybe he is not the talking type.  I shutdown easily and talking exhausts me sometimes.  I can relate. Is it a weakness? Yes, I'm working on it. BTW how old are the couple?  With that said I hate text communications, just irks me.  I think he should make an effort  and do more face to face communication.

Jesse said...

Number 1 is obvious. Why would he need to keep her secret from her?
Number 2 is confusing. What's really behind all the reach out and touch? Maybe he expresses himself better in letters than in person, at least he's expressing himself. I'm frustrated on his behalf.

CaliGirlED said...

They don't agree on the amount of or frequency of communication needed. Neither is wrong, but they may not be a fit for each other. I think the real problem is the quality of communication. Maybe he should talk to her more often, maybe she should make the best of the time that he gives her. *shrugs* Their compromise to make. Or not! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

He's sippin air like the crooked cop in Harlem Nights and she's doing deep breathing yoga style. Not a good combo! LOL

Earthangel172 said...

Case No. 1: My nosy tail wants to know what she said! LOL
Anyway, he is free to bring it up since she let it slip but if it's something from her past, he needs to accept it and let it go since it was before him. I would like to add that my answer is not written in stone and could possibly change since I don't know what she said.

Case No.2: I don't think she should throw the baby out with the bath water. My "steady boo" use to have a communication problem because his dad taught him that men shouldn't talk too much. (insert eye roll here)  When we first met, most of our convos were via text since that is what he was comfortable with. This is how we stayed connected throughout the day. Now, we talk on the phone briefly once or twice a day. If you're not the texting kind, start calling him instead like I did but keep it short and sweet. Also, send him brief texts inviting him to hang out in person so y'all can talk face to face. Make sure you have something to talk about though. I abhor small talk! Anyway, I really don't think this is an issue worth breaking up over.

CaliGirlED said...

"Why would he need to keep her secret from her?  "...Died 1,000 deaths!!! *wipes eyes*

Wambuig said...

Case one: By all means dude ought to tell. "She told him something she would NEVER share sober?..."  Sounds like  it’s a deal breaker if it has the guy so freaked out...
Case two: Oh boy lol well I think the girl is right in speaking her mind and clearly the guy is doing the best he knows how to... I say they have to discuss it and find common ground.

CreoleSoul said...

Case One:

I'd tell her she said those things to me.  As for what I do with it, it depends on what it is she overshared about.  Since we're not in a relationship, the likelihood of me not wanting to continue dealing with her (if it's that disturbing) is much, much higher than it would be if we were an exclusive couple.  It would have to be something pretty bad though.  "I've slept with over 75 men" is way less harrowing than "I regularly have raw sex trains ran on me with no care to how I'm treated."  Neither  hold a candle to "I'm a pedophile who kills children" though.


Case Two:

If we're only dating and I talk to her daily & take her out weekly, my "Clingy" red flag would go up if she demanded more communication from me.  Then again, it would depend on the nature & content of our communication.  

If we're just small-talking it, then I'd understand her frustration.  I'd do more to make our conversations more deep & meaningful, and I'd remind her that, being that communication is a 2-way situation, she should do her part toward that end as well.  I don't like having the onus of things that 2 people contribute to being placed squarely on me.

If we're actually having "getting to know you" conversations (in texts and in person), then that would trigger another red flag; I'd ask her why what we're doing isn't enough & what specifically is she looking for.  Honestly, that's pushing into the realm of forcing an issue, rather than letting things progress organically (after determining that we have similar expectations for our interaction).

Just_A_Thought1218 said...

Scenario 1: This is hard. She may not remember, or may just be pretending not to remember.  I feel that since most people can't let things sink into the sea of forgetfulness, then dude needs to attempt to address it in a tactful matter (especially because he is freaked out).  If the situation can't be broached, and he's okay with playing "dumb", then I guess they can continue.  If he can't, or they can't resolve it, then it's time to move on. I'd rather deal with the hard topic of bringing it up as opposed to having that hang over our relationship.

Situation 2: Was in this relationship conuundrum with the current beau, except we didn't talk daily.  I made me wants known, and my beau made his opinion known.  In the end, it came down to compromise.  I had to accept my partner for who he was, and he had to do a bit more (as far as he was comfortable with) in the communication area.  Now, what I don't get is the whole "I need to hear from you more" bit when you are hearing from a guy at least once a day.  I was struggling to get a text a day.  This lady wants more than that?  Seriously?  I dunno, seems like she needs to get some business about himself.  And dude, while he may be meeting the # requirement as far as communication, needs to investigate if the phone/face-to-face conversations have some more depth so that the girl feels that they are communicating, as opposed to just talking.

MichelleG said...

Case 1 - He needs to say something. I'd be more concerned over the drinking than the oversharing. Grown people know their alcoholic limits - it never "just happens" (ducks cause I'm sick and tired of always being the designated driver with folks that pretend not to know their limits). Unless her reveal will have him searching for witness protection program he should just let her know what she said. Either way if its cutpile worthy just cut her loose now before you get any deeper.

Case 2: How old are these people? If he's in grad/law school then she's lucky for that once a week for right now. Its hard to answer this one because when I was in school I didn't see anyone - a text meant you were special to me. My initial thought is she needs to get a hobby. I would suggest she reads the 5 Love Languages of Singles. If his thing isn't talking she needs to evaluate if he is showing his love/care for her in other ways. She can't expect him to sit down and gab with her like girlfriends. If the face time issue can be addressed then she needs to ask specific questions then BE quiet AND ACTUALLY LISTEN. There is nothing worse than a talkative person that ask questions and then never lets you finish your thought.

JaymeC said...

Case 1 makes me wonder if she drinks to be free enough to say things she normally wouldn't, she may want to be confronted and this is her way of forcing the issue. Then again, she could've just has one margarita too many on taco night.

Case 2 is fairly common, people have different styles of communicating that are often incompatible with their s/o's needs. A level setting is clearly needed

Mykeia said...

Ohhhhhhh...
Case number one, depending how I was feeling about this person and where I wanted the relationship to go I would have to say something.  I don't like to hold things over people and it would just eat me up inside holding a secret about someone.  In addition, I would tell ol' girl this is what happens when you drink, please be aware of your audience and surroundings.

Case number two, I don't know...is it dating if you go out only once a week?  (I have not dated in 15 years and I know that things have changed.)  So I don't know...

ASmith said...

1: If she doesn't remember, and it's enough to freak somebody out, he should tell her he knows.  Odds are good that if he doesn't, he'll slip off in the night and instead of this, the question for BougieLand will be "The night went great, sure I don't recall the last hour, but now the (enter expletive) won't call me back.  What do I do?"  After he tells her and lets her explain, if it's still too much, it's still too much and he should say so and keep it pushing.  Not knowing what it is, I don't know if it would cross any boundaries I have, but assuming it would that's precisely what I'd do.  Well, in the theoretical land in which we all live when we dole out advice, anyway.

2. I think this gets resolved pretty easily.  Either he's willing to do more, and they should talk about and then agree on what "more" is or he's not and they should talk and agree on whether or not that's ok.  Either way, they need to talk, probably face to face.

MichelleG said...

You're not the only one. This girl has got to be really young.

sunt97 said...

Case 1, chalk it up to being drunk and let it go unless she confessed murder or once being a man, then I advise you to exit stage right.  Just keept the tidbit to yourself.

Case 2, ask her exactly what the more is that she needs.  If you are unable to do this more hten move on.  Some people are needier than others and want someone calling them 3-4 times a day with texting in between.

Peace, Love and Chocolate,
Tiffany

Lady Ngo said...

1: well is he freaked out by the information or is he freaked out that she told him? Odds are, if it is something major, it was gonna come up eventually anyway so he can either sweep it under the rug for now until he decides on how it might effect him/their relationship or he can just come out and ask her about it.

2: Sounds like 2 people who just don't communicate the same way. With all our technological advances, this seems to be a growing issue. He can try harder but she also should try and understand that just because he communicates differently doesn't mean he isn't communicating enough.

GuessImJay said...

Let me see if I understand #1 - He was freaked out by what she said but stayed the night? He's not that worried about it

#2 - People gotta do the best they can. You really can't ask more than a person is willing to give. If dude doing his best and it's still not enough, maybe they are right for each other.

Marioned said...

Case #1   I wouldn't tell her.   She has got to take responsibility for actions known or unknown.  I would just keep it to myself and see it adds in value into getting to know her better

Case #2  IMO her best strategy was not to openly complain.  That is going to lead to him seeing her less and losing interest.  Time takes you to where you need to be.  Less pressure and being fun when they are together is more likely to get him to want to see her more often.

Alvin Milton said...

Case 1: Depends on what was said. Some things can't be erased from memory.

Case 2: I think they should work on finding a middle ground.

It also seems like there should be some consensus on what "talking medium" applies to which situation. 

ex: 
Texts for notifications, like "i'm downstairs"...
Emails for sharing things found online or writing longer drawn out ideas... 
and the phone for anything that needs to be discussed whether its serious or not.

rozb said...

In Case 1, he should figure out why this information is freaking him out and if it's a deal breaker.Get control of his emotions, and talk to her in an emotionally neutral place, definitely NOT in the bedroom. She might be embarrassed and even a little angry at herself for telling you, but this may be a chance to see how much you trust and care for each other.

*Side Note* She may know she told him, but has conveniently developed amnesia out of regret at letting that info fly.

In Case 2, she wants to step up the relationship. The guy is trying to stay low-key, while the girl wants more of an in-your-face relationship. If they can't get on the same page and at least find a happy medium, they may have to call it a day.

blackprofessor said...

Case #1 - Is the issue a deal breaker or not?  Decide and act accordingly.  If it isn't, then bring it up in conversation, discuss it and let it go.  If it is, let her know things aren't going to work out and bounce.

Case #2 - It may not be the quantity of information but the quality.  Does she feel like she is really getting to know him or are things still at the superficial level? In the dating process, it should feel like a natural progression in terms of how much you get to know a person.  If this isn't happening, this might be the real problem which is linked to how he communicates rather than the amount.  She needs to figure out what the real issue is and let him know.

SingLikeSassy said...

Not sure about Case 1. Is he freaking out about WHAT she told him or about the fact that he knows she didn't mean to tell him and now he knows? What's freaking him out, exactly?

Case 2 is puzzling, too. Are these folks a couple or still dating casually? Sounds like she wants a boyfriend -- more contact and interaction -- and he's happy keeping things light, i.e. a phone call a day, a date a week.

Basically, I can't offer any advice without more information.

Mina B. said...

Case 1- If I was the dude and the thing she told me wasn't a turn off I'd probably keep it to myself until we decided where we were going with this. I'd let her know once we decided that we'd be exclusive. If it was a deal breaker I'd just lose interest and tell her I didn't like how she acted drunk and don't think it would work out.
- If I was the girl I'd seriously consider WTF I'm doing wrong that I would allow myself to get SO drunk on date 5 that I not only over share but I can't recall something I did. NO MA'AM!!!

Case 2- If I was the girl I'd listen to what my mate had to say about his communication and I would have to consider how he's behaved since we've been dating and see if this is consistent. I'd be open to compromise and then I'd then evaluate if I wanted to stay if his style of communication just doesn't work for me.
-If I was the dude I'd tell her face to face that I thought talking at least 1x/wk and going out etc was showing her my interest and then I'd tell her how I felt about us (even if I had to write it down first and just read it) and explain that I can get my thoughts together better on paper/text than I can face to face then I'd come up w/a compromise.

Man's World said...

What he said

Earthangel172 said...

- If I was the girl I'd seriously consider WTF I'm doing wrong that I
would allow myself to get SO drunk on date 5 that I not only over share
but I can't recall something I did. NO MA'AM!!!

Okkkkkay! That is not a good look at all.

The Bunni said...

Case One: Tell her what you know and discuss.  It's either a deal breaker or not.  I had a similar situation last year.  Drank a little too much (it was the holidays - #don'tjudgeme  lol!) and said something to dude that hurt his feelings that I didn't remember saying.  He told me what was said, we discussed, we moved on.
Case Two:  Discuss and compromise.

keishabrown said...

case 1.  i probably wouldn't say anything, but i wouldn't be judging her based what she told me, but moreso that she can't be trusted when drinking or doesn't take responsibility for her actions (i've said things while drunk that i later pretended to not have said). not a dealbreaker, not quite a red flag, but definately amber yellow.

case 2: there could be (and should be) a whole post on this issue. i've had no less than 5 conversations at social events in which both women/men are attending in the past 4 weeks.  #teamphone vs #teamtext. apparently, there are women who believe a phone call is intrusive and unnecessary!!! who knew!! 

alas. what is boils down to is communication. she's dammed if she says something (which she did and might end the whole relationship) and dammed if she doesn't (because she's sitting on her emotions/bottling stuff up which we all know will eventually erupt and become alot bigger). so what's dude to do? they both need to figure out what they are willing to compromise on and what's a deal breaker.  what is unrealistic and unreasonable to one, might not be to the other. and no one should be forced to live with/change/do something they dont want to. it'll lead to resentment and then nobody is happy.

as someone who used to date long distance, speaking 1x/day and seeing 1x/week is good for me. for others who might have had a very attentive-allupinyagrill ex..it might not be enough. but you gotta know what you are willing to potentially settle for or what you might be potentially giving up. he seems like he's putting in enough work to get them to this point.

i also have to note, that things always start out full throttle then drop off. after a few months, those long ass late night convos are short but sweet (esp if he's earned the privilege of being next to you at night). the change in M/O sometimes leads to issues as well.

my 14.7 canadian cents. ;)

thinking that... said...

"Time takes you to where you need to be."

you said it all with that statement.....

Jubilance said...

#1 - If it's info that is making him rethink dating her, he should tell her. She should at least have the benefit of knowing that he now knows this info & its affecting their relationship. If it's something inconsequential, he should keep it to himself but probably tell her to avoid getting that drunk since she does things when intoxicated & doesn't remember later.
 
#2 - I personally think ole girl is tripping...how much communication does she need on a daily basis? I'm one of those people who doesn't need my mate constantly in my face, so I wouldn't be bothered by that level of contact. What is she looking to get from more contact - security, proof that he isn't cheating, feeling that she's important to him, etc? If he really cares for her, I would suggest they try to compromise on a level on communication that they both feel ok with.

Natasha Hunter said...

Case #1) Umm, too many holes.  How does he know she doesn't recall?  Was she like "Oh God, I was so drunk, what did I do last night?" Or was he like "Hey, remember what you told me last night?" LOL  If she brought it up, don't believe the hype- she's putting out feelers. If he brought it up, shiiid it's on the table- square up and let the chips fall where they may.

Case #2)  If  you're really not getting enough attention, perhaps you should do something else, get other interests. I mean I really don't have anything magnificent to say to ANYbody EVERY day so... maybe that's just me.  Seems like a lot of pressure... hell who performs every damn day!?! LOL My Gram says "Let  'em miss you." Maybe you could give that a try and then the conversations/interactions you have will have a the substance you are craving?

Angel Blanca said...

Scenario #1: Tell her that you know. Unless she's confessed to multiple murders for hire and you're concerned about your well being, tell her that she told you.  If you're freaking out about it, then you're not likely to get past it unless you talk more, so you've nothing to lose by letting her know that she told you more than she might have wanted to share.

Scenario #2: "not getting enough," and wanting to talk "more" are meaningless phrases.  They're cop-out statements that express frustration with no real way in which to resolve that frustration, as they're not measurable or quantifiable in any tangible manner.  I suspect that what the speaker means is that there is not enough discussion going on about deepening the relationship (being exclusive, moving in together, setting a wedding date), but in phrasing it as she has, the speaker is pushing away actual communication.  If she's getting texts and emails that are communicative, then why not accept that he might just prefer that method of communication?  If she prefers verbal communication, then why not express that preference and then give him an opportunity to understand her preferences and see if can respond without trying to fit into some numerical rubric?

I have to tell you, Chele, that these are excellent scenarios to present to couples, as how they respond to another couple's challenges provides them with insights into how they will respond to challenges in their own relationships.  Are you sure you're not pursuing counseling/matchmaking services as part of your multifaceted approach to your career? ;)

sol_dier said...

this

Angela said...

1. Tell her for her benefit. If she accidentally shared some information, then she needs to know her real drinking limit. If she accidentally on purpose overshared then she felt a need to tell someone and could be crying out for help. Tell her for his own benefit. Things that cause one to freak require some "splainin'".

2. Changes in communication styles, if desired, take time and effort. Perhaps she could change her focus and find a way to become more appreciative of the times that he does share (even if it's primarily via text). I suggest that she pick one or two things that she would really like to see happen and stick with the positive (e.g., "I really love our fireside chats; they make me feel closer to you.") Figure out what kind of environment may help make him as comfortable sharing face-to-face as he does via text. And, yes, she might want to evaluate if communication (or a hoped for commitment) is really the problem.

Singlelif said...

I think I need to know the ages of the individuals in these two scenarios, to better gauge my response. 

Scenario #1 - I actually wouldnt bring up whatever the disclosure was until/unless she did.  Unless it's a dealbreaker, why embarass her, if my plan is to still see her ?  If they continue to date, that is a conversation that could be had during one of their "remember when" laugh fests...

Scenario #2 - One of the reasons I'm such a good communicator now, is because I refuse to be in another fugged up relationship where we couldnt discuss stuff openly.  I think  she should pointedly ask dude if he feels that the methods/frequency in which they are currently communicating is good for him.  Then she should tell him her concerns, and what she'd like to change. At that point, he will either adapt to something of her liking, or tell her he's fine with it.  It's up to her whether or not she will accept his terms.  I hope she is prepared for his response.  Whatever it is.

Carmen Jones said...

Case One:  Loose lips while drinking?  Never a good thing.  Of course it's bugging me wondering what she actually said, but regardless - this guy needs to decide if what she said is significant enough to even be brought up.  Is it something that will embarass the hell out of her AND him since he heard it?  Is it something he needs clarification on to decide if it is a deal breaker?  This one is generating more questions than answers for me.  Sorry.

Case Two:  Been there before and I scanned one of the comments asking how old the woman was.  It does NOT matter the age.  People are different and have different expectations of how much contact is needed AND what types whether its a phone call, text or Facebook post.  I would have approached it a little differently by asking the guy how often he thinks communication should be made between two people dating/in a relationship and try to compromise if he's on that "twice a week is cool" kick and I prefer "morning and before I go to bed" contact.

Brittany Geneva said...

Case one: He should definitely take her drunken statement seriously...a drunk tongue never tells a lie! Intoxication definitely brings forth honesty, so what she said was the truth. Even if she doesn't remember it, the guy should ask the girl about it and see how she reacts. If it's super serious it might be enough for him to take a few steps back from old girl.

Case two: There's no "correct" amount of communication. Some folks need to talk several times a day, while I know others who think 1 time a day is pushing it. The most important thing is that both people are on the same page. If the guy and the girl can't come to an agreement, then they should give up!

GammasWorld said...

Case #1 - sounds more embarrassing than "dangerous" - I mean he stayed and didn't call cops on girlie.    I'd be more concerned about her drinking that much ... is that a "usual" weekend thing or were we celebrating a 30th birthday or something?  That's pretty dang drunk where you don't know what you were talking about.  Then again, how does he know she doesn't know what she said?  Is this a passive aggressive way of bringing something she wanted to discuss to the forefront?  Too many questions.  

Case #2 - y'all just need to talk.  Girlie needs to ask for what would make her feel more "connected" and he needs to decide if he can do it.   A compromise sounds very possible here.  TALK.  GET REAL with each other. 

Ytm24 said...

Case One: Unless she shared something that was a deal breaker, I wouldn't mention it.

Case Two:  If they talk every day, I think that is enough communication. Does she want to see him more or does she want him to communicate more? That is two different things.  People have lives..you can't talk all day and all night and see each other every day if you are productive citizens. He should be frustrated! not her.

AndreaPlaid said...

I'm going to answer the 2nd on first, if you don't mind:

Case two: Hmmmm...I'm seeing several parts of this. Perhaps he's down with texting and emailing as his preferred way to "tell" her that he's interested in her.  For some people, they "think better" in the written form. He feels his sharing his thoughts is his way of sharing himself.  

And I agree with several of you in saying that some people don't need to see their love interest more than 1x/wk and, with the texting/emailing, feel they're demonstrating their continued interest in someone. And honestly, with the age of texting/emailing, folks feels like they've conversed already, so a face-to-face may be time for dinner and, to borrow from OneChele, "adult activity time." 

At the same time, I sort of get the woman's complaint in this sense: if they've been going out for a few months, then it would seem that a relationship would move from less texting to more face-to-face.  I'd get texting and emailing as the main form of communicating more than calling/visiting if you're long-distance or just starting a relationship. You wanna use your words to show off your best self, like love letters back in the day. But a few months into it--and you're both living in the same town--and not more face-time says to me that there's more than just a communication problem: there's a relationship problem. It just appears that he's just not that into her. 

But then, what I'm not getting from what's stated is if the couple agreed to what type of relationship they're agreeing to have: casual, casual-to-serious, or serious-moving-to-exclusive. That would also dictate the parameters of communication, like frequency and kind. 

However, I tend to be allergic to needy types, so folks who are on the "why aren't you talking to meeeeeeeee all dayyyyyeeeeeee" tip tend to work my last nerve. So I do feel ol' dude on this--and the other commenters who hate this.

But I do agree with you all: they need to talk about this, not only about the communication itself but what kind of relationship they're in now and where they want to be in the future, if there is a future.

Case one: I think he should tell her what she said in her inebriated state instead of hanging out all freaked out and silenced out. Already the information is becoming the elephant in the room  of this relationship. So, by telling her they can decide to let Dumbo out or if they need to let the relationship out with Dumbo.

TrulyPC said...

"Personally, I can look back and see that staying in a relationship where
there is lack in communication is detrimental to both parties involved.
I would not remain in such a relationship again."

This is weaved into the fabric of my relationship criteria.  Never again will I deal with communication imbalance.

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