Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I'm a girlfriend, not a geisha

Blogger's disclaimer: Don't come at me about hating on geishas. I'm not, it's just a helpful alliteration not a cultural knock.

I have this one rabid email/twitter/facebook stalker who feels compelled to write me twice a week and tell me what's wrong with black women in the 21st century. It's actually a group of regulars that want to share their opinions: on why black woman are single, alone and hopeless to change their unfortunate circumstances. I generally delete without reading skim the first few sentences and then move on.

But I noticed that the last few emails were specifically about me and what I was doing wrong in my situation. The line that caught my eye was:
You are going to lose your man to an Asian woman because they know how to cater to men. They know how to kneel down and let their men stand tall. Black women only get on their knees for one reason and they aren't very good at that.
Ummmkay. I'm going to let you digest that for a minute while I share a few lines from an Ask a Bougie Chick that I refused to publish:
You should definitely write more posts about what a woman needs to do to keep a man. Even though you can be kinda ballsy, you appear to know how to play your position. A man wants to worshiped, not whipped into shape.
See now... this is the sort of stuff that sets my teeth on edge. There are so many things wrong with these statements, I don't even know where to start. Of course I do. The worst thing about the first quote is that it was written by a woman. I'm not getting into the whole submit/obey meme - we have been there, done that around here and ne'er shall the two sides agree. My point with this is that you would think a woman would know better than to rampantly stereotype other women. I think Asian women must be just as sick of being called meek and mild as Black women are of being called brash and bold. 

The line about getting on the knees is just so out-of pocket, I can't even address it. But it does make one curious - how does she know sisters aren't good at that? Where did she gather her intel? Food for thought. 

The second quote is one of those backhanded compliments I hate so very much. I'm "ballsy" but I know how to "play my position"!? For real tho? What position might that be? You know what? Never mind.

You all know I could go in on that for another six paragraphs. Yet I shan't. Here's what I will say - when are folks going to learn to appreciate nuance or subtle differentiation in thought, word and deed? You can cater to a man without kissing his ass. You can decide to fall back and let him handle things without being a doormat. Deference ≠ Docility. Relenting ≠ Rolling Over. Agreement ≠ Acquiescence. 

On the flip, you can expect your man to cater to you in return. You can get to a point where you know each other's strengths and weaknesses and know when to defer to the other. David knows world financial markets, I know shopping at World Market. David is into historical biography, I watch the History and Biography Channels. If we're even on Jeopardy, we'd totally rock.

This next point cannot be stressed often enough - if a man leaves a woman for a different type of woman, he was leaving anyway. And if a woman twists herself into pretzel shapes trying to be exactly what he wants and he leaves anyway... how does that leave her? Twisted. 

Last but not least, why do folks always assume that the same thing that works on them will work on someone else? With the notable exceptions of sex and steak sandwiches, not all men like the same things. So why on God's green earth would I aspire to write about how you should keep your man and make him happy? If I had that magic formula, you already know where I'd be... the beach house in Fiji with the Cabana Boy and a lifetime supply of vanilla rum. 

Men, do you seriously want to be worshiped? I would think that would get exhausting up on that white charger 24/7. Bougieland, what say you to Idiot One and Idiot Two above? And when will someone come up with a better way to block spam? The floor is yours...

80 comments:

GammasWorld said...

Girl.    I've got to get to work.  I'll be back.  (mumbles got my damn pressure up before I go to this damn job). 

BAnjeeB said...

You really do handle this shull bit very well and with such class. I'm going to go do some deep breathing now and repeat my manta, "what would Chele do?" ;-)

maureen said...

"Deference ≠ Docility. Relenting ≠ Rolling Over. Agreement ≠ Acquiescence" ^THIS

"This next point cannot be stressed often enough - if a man leaves a woman for a different type of woman, he was leaving anyway." Nothing to add, but to say folks are so bold behind a monitor with a keyboard.

MsJamie14 said...

Wow...just wow.

So now that you've got a man who seems to be thrilled with you and y'alls relationship, folks still want to throw shade and tell you you're doing things wrong?

LMAO. Heaux sit down.

BriBri said...

Taps mic..Y'all be gentle on me, I don't normally comment.

I felt so moved today, however, because I had the EXACT same thing told to me when my ex went to the Phillipines for 3 months.  After giving folks the "Really o_O" look, I kept it moving.  If he wanted to leave because I wasn't that type of woman, then that was on him. (Oh and...he didn't..he knew what he had at home)   Again=====>  "Deference ≠ Docility. Relenting ≠ Rolling Over. Agreement ≠ Acquiescence" 

Man's World said...

*fist bump on the sex & sammy*
Beyond that I don't need or want to be worshiped, there are deities for that.
Both those comments are on some bs

Pure Choco said...

Imma need Chele to open a division of Hallmark so we can get these things on greeting cards:

Deference ≠ Docility. Relenting ≠ Rolling Over. Agreement ≠ Acquiescence. <~~~ That's a whole series of pillows, mugs, bumper stickers waiting to happen.

thinklikeRiley said...

There are parts of me da ladies may worship: My brain and uh, my brain.

(Sorry Chele, I couldn't put it any cleaner. Riley tries.)

*puts self out but leaves a tune behind*
http://youtu.be/NZL93gODc1s

bashowell said...

*blinks* I need more coffee for this.  I guess these are the "fix your man a plate" folks?

Deb B said...

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around strangers telling you how to keep your man.

LikeLena said...

Right there with those matching panties and drawers folks.

LikeLena said...

I hate to laugh at this but I have to - Bwahaha

LikeLena said...

Right? The Bougie Line by Hallmark

LikeLena said...

They do this for every occasion. When my ex went to work in Mexico City they told me I would lose him to a Latina because they treat their men like kings. It's always something. We did break up but not over a woman.

Melinda Jones said...

One of my blog friends did just that. Had a line of cards created for people to buy. They're notecards. She could do it!!

blackprofessor said...

I want Idiot 1 and Idiot 2 to hook up with each other so there is one less idiot male that I may potentially run into in the dating world.  The hate backlash being thrown your way since David's post isn't a good look.

Two things: 1) To thine ownself be true and 2) Figure out what your significant other needs/wants.  Everything else is irrelevant.

dc202 said...

as an Asian woman who loves reading BougieLand, people need to stop stereotyping Asian women as submissive- and stop using women to fight other women. UGH is all.

Diana said...

Yes! 1000x yes!!! I'm white and I'm not putting up with any more shiggity than any other woman.

MidWestDominicana said...

Clearly these two idiots have never had successful or long lasting relationships, else why would they have the time to comment on someone else's happiness with more shade than the rain forest?  Anyone who is in a loving and happy relationship knows that it takes mutual effort and compromise, not one-sided hero worship. 
If those tactics worked, that person surely wouldn't pick mere mortals like the ridiculous tweedle twins  to be their love interests. Bitter and hate ain't cute.

Jaclynn427 said...

I don't know what's wrong with these people but I will say that women who feel like they need to worship a man or give them all their energy and power are beyond me.  My grandmother used to say "have something for yourself" and to me, that includes a brain.  

Thing 1 and 2 seem to just want to annoy and irritate.  Nothing being said is valid.  I will say I agree with being able to cater to your man but not if he's walking around thinking you are doing it as a form of prayer... worship? Screw this bs... Walk around like a woman and maybe you could get a man. 

MariSol said...

Latina here. I'm not that spicy, I don't dress like Charro and Big Papi gotta act right or get gone.

William Martin said...

What he said ^^^

Kevin said...

That first comment makes me want to quit my gender.  Its a glorious bouquet of stupidity and ignorance. 

Is treating men like normal human beings not an option anymore? 

Only1DivaC said...

Ok, seriously. Please warn me Brother Riley the next time you do this. I choked on my yogurt fooling with you, your comment, and then listening to this song!

sol_dier said...

i'm searching, but I have nothing. I generally have little time to suffer fools.

I do know that when certain types of people can't get what they want, they begin to hate and derise it.
I dare anyone though to come up to my face and try to tell me how to 'keep a man' and expect me to actually spend longer than 3 secs standing there.

lol. jokes. Just laugh at the idiots and brush your shoulders off.

P.S. You sure it ain't what's his face... oh yeah.. Steve is that you?. 

taut_7 said...

i don't want to be worshipped. i don't want to be an authority figure. i'm not your father nor do i have any desire to do so. when i get married i want it to be with a partner. 50/50. i worry about people who require that and people who so easily let someone else have that type of control over their life. you were a person before i met you. that's not going to change when we get together. 

K.E.V.I.N said...

That first comment makes me want to quit my gender. Its a glorious bouquet of ignorance and stupidity. 

Is treating men like normal human beings not an option anymore? 

Only1DivaC said...

Um, who tinkled in their Cheerios? Like seriously who has time to email Chele two times a week? Oh yeah people that don't have a successful relationship themselves.  I heard this a few weeks ago and it gave me pause "We must recognize there are just some people anointed to hate you." I will need all these people throwing shade over on Chele to sit down because haterade is not sexy!

GuessImJay said...

Bruh, that's some truth right there. Please repeat for those in the cheap seats. Amen.

J B said...

Y'all know you can't eat and do Black n Bougie.  Or nearly most things on the Internet.

Jubi The Great said...

1 - There are plenty of blogs & books out there telling women how to get a man, keep a man, make him come back, etc. Maybe the emailers need to consult Google.

2- IDK about worship, but I am more than willing to show my man how much I care for him & he is welcome to do the same. Everyone likes to be appreciated, how you show it depends on your relationship & the ppl involved. It ain't rocket science ppl.

3- Have we completely thrown the term 3N out the window? I guess so since he posted the other day.

J B said...

I agree.  Dude thinks everything Chele does is wrong, and the female thinks she knows how to keep a man.  I say get together, get it on, and stop fussing about BnB.

motown_skater said...

never understood why haters hang around and continue to deal with the thing they hate so much.  stuff bother me i delete and keep it moving (ask some on  facebook).  if they are so clearly irritated by you and your relationship why do they read your blog and follow you on twitter?  get a hobby!!  i suggest skating, sewing and bowling.  he!! start your own blog (they clearly have the time). 

Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Grace said...

Color me irritated.
#thatisall

Miz JJ said...

Those "ladies" sound like they have a little too much time on their hands. Why do they even care?

I'm in a new relationship. I just asked him if he wants me to worship him. He's still laughing. I'll take that as a no.

CaliGirlED said...

Ok before I read the comments, let me give my 1 cent (and for those who saw my comment in Twitter, disclaimer: I did not pray first) and probably be the first to address what Chele wouldn't:

To idiot #1:  "Black women only get on their knees for one reason and they aren't very good at that."...

Well with heavy hesitation I must refer you to Corrine (SuperHead) Stephens, who is a Black woman, made famous for,
what her nickname implies. And NO she's not RARE, she just gave a serious damn
about getting her name out there, by any means necessary!...And until you grow one, and have a large enough sample of Black women go down on it, shut the f**k up!!!

*escorts self out of BougieLand* I'll sneak back in later!

blackprofessor said...

Riley is a mess!

CaliGirlED said...

Wow JOB blocked this video, it must be hotness!

blackprofessor said...

So stealing this quote, love it!!

blackprofessor said...

Like doesn't convey how much I agree with you. I love this comment!

Nadette said...

I. Just. Can't.
Seriously, these two "ladies" (I'm banking based on the "knees" comment that she may have some heauxish ways) are the gold standard for people who suck at life.

Bri said...

*Breaks out in chorus of Kelly Price's You're Not My Daddy, You're My Man* Preach Brotha!

CaliGirlED said...

"glorious bouquet of ignorance and stupidity "...Stealing it!

CaliGirlED said...

"We must recognize there are just some people anointed to hate you."...Wow!

JoycelynC said...

LOL! Great Song choice!

motown_skater said...

:-)

Mykeia said...

Okay, my head is spinning because I am working on a deadline so I needed a break and came here and what did I find!
I am stunned by the mail that comes your way and the amount of people that feel that they know everything about you, what you should be doing and your relationship.  JUST STUNNED.
There is no perfect relationship formula, period.  If I were a doormat my husband would leave--known fact--so it bothers me to the brink of screaming to hear other women say, be submissive.  You have to find what works for your mate.
"With the notable exceptions of sex and steak sandwiches, not all men like the same things."---see even here not all men are the same, no steak sandwich for my guy.   
I am trying not to ramble but I have to get back to my deadline; I'm sure that that comments are on fire today.

BlackButterfly said...

These two desperate and miserable individuals are so far off from what I would consider a person with a functioning brain to be that I am in shock!  I might be back later after I suppress my anger and find less charged wording.

SingLikeSassy said...

*sucks teeth* I hate you even wasted a post on these two mofos.

sol_dier said...

We must recognize there are just some people anointed to hate you
Amen!
And the more things go right for you, the more they hate. 'Haters' : a sign that you are doing something right

CorettaJG said...

Now that's an eye opening word.

CaliGirlED said...

Ok Chele, through all that BS, you managed to pull out some great thoughts! How you do it, I'll never know!

"I think Asian women must be just as sick of being called meek and mild as Black women are of being called brash and bold."...I've known a few to be anything but! (However, one of them lives in Detroit. Could be the 8 Mile in her. LOL!!!)

"Deference ≠ Docility. Relenting ≠ Rolling Over. Agreement ≠ Acquiescence. " T-shirts and bill boards everywhere!!!

And if a woman twists herself into pretzel shapes trying to be exactly
what he wants and he leaves anyway... how does that leave her? Twisted....Ha! That has to go on "The Greatest Riddles List"!!!

One last thing Chele, "WHY they here Ike, why they here?!!"

sol_dier said...

CaliGirlED with a bougie gangsta lean. 

CorettaJG said...

Oh my.  What have we here?  Pure foolishness from the stalker peanut gallery to address?

"You can cater to a man without kissing his ass. You can decide to fall back and let him handle things without being a doormat. Deference ≠ Docility. Relenting ≠ Rolling Over. Agreement ≠ Acquiescence. "  THIS. RIGHT. HERE. 

Know your partner's "love language" or whatever you decide to call that concept, put in the work and carry on.

Michele said...

I cannot even speak right now.  Ugh!

Bonita Applebum said...

Dear 8 pound, 6 ounce Baby Jesus, 

PLEASE let that group of women who's hitting up Chele hit me up. Please. Honestly. I LOVE case study material and would have a grand time toying with them.Your child,Ms Toni

MidWestDominicana said...

Verdad, mami!

MichelleG said...

My response this morning would not have been Bougie at all. Now its not even worth the mental energy. You got 3N by being who you are not what some unimportant random stalker deems fit.

Keep it Bougie!

Leon X said...

My take on the whole submission thing? Eighty percent sexism, twenty percent entitlement. Entitlement usually shows up when someone feels their role or lifestyle is being threatened.

I stopped eating red meat 13 years ago. May I change the steak sandwich to a chicken sandwich?

OneChele said...

You may.

MollyAnn64 said...

Uh... What? I guess everybody has an opinion. I'd say this is an excellent example of why the delete key was invented. 

I'm not worried about you and David :-) All the clues I've been able to pick up from out here tell me that he is besotted with you. And you, apparently, have a 1/2 dozen or so men who feel the need to keep you out of trouble while he is gone. Methinks you two will be OK. 

GammasWorld said...

Well if I had to say something to I1 and I2 it would be "But dis here out blog joint"  - go 'on somewhere's else and play now.  

Mykeia said...

I'm sayin'!! Riiight!

Mykeia said...

"Walk around like a woman and maybe you could get a man"<----Oh my damn!  Speak on it!

Mykeia said...

"Know your partner's "love language" or whatever you decide to call that concept, put in the work and carry on."<-------YES! ALL DAY!!!!

tiffanyinhouston said...

Didn't we discuss this last week when folks was all worried about what OTHER folks call their boyfriends and girlfriends and shit.

Dear #SillyHeauxs writing to Chele:

Stop. Ya'll are dumb.

And this here seat: \_ is collectively for all of ya'll.

Love, TIH

keishabrown said...

I'm SOOO mad I missed this today.
Then again. Maybe not. I'd like to stay employed. Don't have time to e-atown stomp on people. 

But for real tho.. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE??? (who need WAY more people).

keishabrown said...

*falls out..

keishabrown said...

SAY IT AGAIN FOR THE CHEAP SEATS (where both these people are sitting btw)

keishabrown said...

*calls CaliGirlED back to hand her a drank and some timbs...

kjnetic aka Peter Parker said...

stalkin' just ain't cool.. *shakes head*

i dunno if i'd wanna be worshipped...(might be good for a lil' bit, lol)

but uhm...how do i say this...

i'm not necessarily interested in being worshipped, but at the same time, i'm cognizant of the fact that i believe in men and women playing roles within a relationship. i'm cognizant of the fact that i'm going to be the head of my family, and i'm aware of the fact that it doesn't mean i get to say/do whatever. i don't believe in a 50/50 split, because life isn't 50/50, it isn't equal, it isn't fair.

sorry in advance for tickin' some of y'all off.

Lisalis said...

Bougie Land...you are hilarious!  I forgot about the crazy stalker comments laughing at y'all :)

AndreaPlaid said...

"Bitter and hate ain't cute." 

My new t-shirt.

Singlelif said...

...and sometimes its not such a good thing that ignorance is free, 'cause if certain people had to pay for it they'd be some broke azz's..

Singlelif said...

and there you have it ! 

Singlelif said...

My initial plan was not to even entertain those 2 attention whores you referenced above...the steam coming out of my ears prevented me from forming complete sentences.  That, and the fed govt blocks the comments sections. Still, here I type..

#1 - How you gonna question my bedroom skills when you haven't lain in my sheets ? If a woman loses her man to someone else for the reasons you stated, I hope she makes him happy, because that's his new woman. I'm out.
#2 - Go somewhere and get you some business.  Since you know so much about how to get and keep a man and about folks' playing their positions..why don't YOU write the book on how to do such.  Oh, you can't, your communications skills are limited to ethuggery and internet stalking.

Both of y'all - "go somewhere and sat down"

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

Shouldn't they be too busy following their own Man-Getting/Keeping advice? I'm just saying.

Brenda Kay said...

Amen MollyAnn!

Angelique S Turner said...

if you blame life you blame who give so don't life blame the way how you live it 

One Chele said...

iCan't with this. In the words of Ginuwine, "there ain't no changing me, I can only be me me me."

The question these women need to be asking is how they can present themselves or change their approach to the dating game (not themselves), in order to attract a man that complements them. 'Cause what they fail to realize is, finding a man that complements you is what allows you to defer, relent, or agree with/to your SO, and inspires them to do the same.

And I'm lmao @ the =/= set ups cause while I have no desire to be docile, let me find a brother I feel compelled to defer to. *eyes dilate and get all glossy* !aye papi!, te quireo, hot damn!

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