Sitting outside of Starbuck's Saturday, I was inadvertently sucked into some random dude's delusions. Now I've matured enough to the point where I don't judge a book by its cover. Attractiveness is great but let's be real. Looks come and go, can be bought or sold. If a person has some basics to work with I assume they can be made to look more attractive by numerous ways and means.
That being said, this gentleman was not very attractive. It wasn't just that his features didn't mesh together well, dude was unkempt. He was of medium height, light-skinned, and very thin but literally looked like he had spent the night in a dumpster and was not on well-versed with some basic rules of hygiene. For a man with a $3000 laptop in front of him and BMW keys clutched in his hand, he needed to be on better speaking terms with lotion. And toenail clippers. And a dentist, dermatologist and nutritionist. Just saying. Dude was busted.
Nonetheless, I wasn't judging Monsieur Crusty until... he sat down with a group of friends loudly proclaiming how he only dated "model quality" women. He went on to talk about how some girl approached him at a party the night before and he "shut her down swiftly" because she wasn't "Beyonce beautiful." He went on to say he "couldn't play around with pennies and nickels" only entertained "dimes and quarters."
My mouth dropped open and I had to keep from falling out of my chair. Dude, what? So now not only was he unattractive in outer appearance, the interior wasn't coming out so pretty either. As I listened to him go on and on, I realized he had drunk the entire gallon of "I'm a wealthy single black man, I'm a commodity, and women will fall at my feet" Kool-aid.
Luckily, I didn't need to march over and set dude straight. Two of the girls in his crew went ALL the way in on him. One of them went so far as to ask him what he saw when he looked in the mirror. Le Ouch. This began a debate over personal attractiveness - what comprises it, do people really have a good sense of how they look and sound to others and what cancels all of that out.
For instance, two of the women and one guy at the table said they would date someone less attractive if the chemistry, personality, etc was there. One woman said (predictably) she would date a less attractive man for a little while if he was wealthy enough. (Shocker) Then the conversation devolved into whether a woman with a great body but an okay face would "rate higher" than a woman with a gorgeous face and bad body. I had to go at that point. They were starting to dissect people into body parts. No thank you.
So this got me thinking about you, BougieLand. Where do you rank yourself on the attractiveness scale (no, I won't use numbers) and how important are looks when rating someone's overall attractiveness? Let's hear your thoughts, comments, insights and just for fun, here's a poll or two...
83 comments:
Well, you have started some shiggity. Facts are facts. Really pretty people and really rich people know that they are pretty and rich and the rules aren't always the same for them. That being said... why aren't the people in his crew treating him to some Extreme Makeover type reality checks. Soap and a foot file will take him far in this world.
To answer the other question - I'm equal opportunity. I've dated big, small, tall, tiny, gorgeous and what-was-I-thinking. It's about that thing. Not that thang. That Thing. If she has it, I'll holla. If she doesn't - I won't.
There are very few men left out here who will date a stunner who makes him cringe in every other way. That's so 2000.
There are very few men left out here who will date a stunner who makes him cringe in every other way. That's so 2000.
I wish more men agreed with you but I see too many chicks who are pretty on the outside and ugly on the inside booed up to believe that your brethren are as evolved as you.
Whats on the inside is more important to me. how you look may not be who you are.....
In my head I thought "If everything else about them was on point..." but I answered "Moot point..." because really beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Yes there are some folks that most people can agree are overwhelmingly attractive, but mostly what I like my girlfriend might not and vice versa.
So assuming he/she is not raggedy in presentation, everyone does have something attractive about them.
It's kind of tacky for pretty people to sit around talking about how unpretty other people are, don't you think?
I only have 2 OFFICIAL say no go's:
Bad Hygiene: teeth look like they have angora sweaters on, too funky for life, skin so bad it looks like it hurts... I can deal with slight faux pas, but neglect is despicable.
A Sucky Conversationalist: I'm a pretty cerebral chick and I like a lot of different things. If you can't hit me on at least 2 or 3, it's pretty pointless.
I think that was her point?
I think any time you are dating a part of someone (their looks, their bank account, their cocoa) instead of the whole person, you are setting yourself up to fail.
I date based on personality over looks. I've always been that way. If you make me laugh and can engage in a serious discussion, that goes miles to me. It's a shame that I look at my ex husband now and think "The hell?" just based off of his looks. WOMP.
Good-looking is just a label. It peels away like all the other.
I'm with your boy Dave from the other day - I'm not eye candy. Not playing tiny violins but it's bullshit when all someone knows about you is that you're an attractive, single doctor. All of these assumptions get made. 72% are untrue.
Anytime I date someone, I have to wait a little while to get past what she thinks she knows about me. And I may get beatdown for this but a lot of pretty women are high maintenance. I don't need high maintenance in my life. I'll take a less attractive woman who's easier to maintain. That came out sexist but you know I mean.
I may be fat, i may even be ugly but i am beautiful on the inside.... i love me
I can not stand a vain man. Men who spend more time in the shower, mirror, putting on product, getting dressed than me. No. I can't with the uberMetro, sorry.
I also cannot stand funk for no reason. Like Monsieur Crusty. It's Saturday at Starbucks, you had time to break out a fresh loofah and scrub. Now if you just came off the court or were outside working in the yard, I respect that funk.
Nails are no can do also. Claws about the feet and hand region are nasty, yo. I don't know what's underneath there and I don't know where your hands have been. I know where they aren't going. I do know that.
I think sometimes wealthy dudes think that gives them a carte blanche for basic decency. It does not.
Oh, and I'm cute.
Color me slow. I need clarity. What is "That Thing"?
You are a mess!
"If ya clean and ya smell good, somebody GOT to like ya," says Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens.
"Can't but one of y'all be cute and it needs to be you," my Grandma.
If a dude can make me laugh and talk to me about any and everything, I'm his. I'm not into pretty so much.
I consider myself attractive. I would say I'm above average on the attractiveness scale. An older woman once told me that I was a classic beauty. I always think about that when I would get upset when men I found attractive didn't find me attractive. Hey...they didn't want this classic beauty. :) I morphed into my looks as I got older. I was an average looking child. Kinda nerdy looking with glasses...coke bottle lenses at that. The only thing physically about me that I don't like is my weight and I work on that every day. Everything else....I'm not trading. Even my wide nose. :)
The men I date may not be on the fine-ness scale of Idris, Boris, or Lance Gross, but they are attractive to ME. I tend to go for the guy who has an understated handsomeness about him. I don't go for the life of the party guys or the guy who is flossin'/ballin'. He can't be the center of attention...that's for me.
Umm. I freely admit to being broken when it comes to making this self-assessment. Thank a childhood studded with such wondrous moments as being told (by my mother) that I was "shaped funny" and that was why she couldn't make my dresses hang right, being called "Sticks Jumping" any time I dared to move freely in front of either of my parents (I was very thin) and being made very aware that my baby sister was the cute one and my kid sister was the model-pretty one. I was too dark-skinned, too nappy-haired (by comparison to my half-Indian mother and my sisters) and too quiet to be pretty, so I went through two decades convinced I was horrible-looking. I'm no longer entirely convinced, but I'm aware that my judgment is flawed.
My deal-breakers -- the kind of mindset that will only date model-pretty women and is okay dissecting women into body parts. Hygiene that endangers my olfactory equipment (and possibly makes me fear for my health if we make contact.) And I still might take the chance on educating the unhygienic if they're skipping showers to feed the mind and the conversation's good...
I like what I see when I look in the mirror. I like who I am inside. That's really all I care about at the end of the day.
As for the feedback I've gotten from others, I've been rated all up and down the attractiveness scale, that's why the first paragraph is the only one that matters.
In agreement. More men than not....from what I have experienced...still dwell heavily on the physical. Even ugly A$$ dudes think they are the SHAT when they are linked to arm candy. I remember a coworker telling me that he would keep a fine chick around even if she effed up SEVERAL times. He said fine-ness lets you get away with a multitude of sins in a relationship. O_O. He continued to be taken advantage of and I never felt sorry for him.
I must have typed something out of pocket or Disqus hates me (maybe I edited too much?).... Either way, I think most of you are on point so I'll just nod and agree to what's been posted here.
*kicks rocks on the way out*
"If a dude can make me laugh and talk to me about any and everything, I'm his."
My philosophy on dating, completely summed up.
I think I'm pretty. I'd say my looks are above average. But I'm also just as well versed in my flaws; I could lose a few pounds. My forehead is huge (see pic above, lol). It is what it is.
Being attractive isn't all there is to me. I expect people to recognize that about me, and I recognize it in others. For me, personality will trump looks all the time. It's true that looks will be what initially attracts you. And sometimes you just can't make yourself be attracted to what you aren't attracted to. But having been won over by the funny/charming as hell/sincere guy more often than the finest guy in the room, I know it's not the end all to be all.
Btw, fellas, ever heard the quote, "A woman laughing is a woman conquered"? Take it to heart.
a 10 on the outside and zero on the inside is a 5
Apparently folks in his crew like riding on the gravy train he provides.. they're not gonna mess up their good thing!
Wow Chele I know that after that convo you could have been knocked over with a feather!!! I had a similar experience over the weekend. Could.not.believe.what.was.being.said!
Anyhoo, I believe there are men who think I'm fine as hell and there are men who won't give me a second look. And with that reality, I keep myself pretty humbled. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder and we all have our likes/dislikes and preferences. But I have dated outside my preference because it all boils down to the overall person. If you can make me laugh, keep the conversation interesting, and you like to go out and have fun, I'm a wrap! Now if you make me ugly when I look at/smell/touch you, well... And as Savannah (Whitney Houston) in "Waiting to Exhale" said, "If ya ugly inside, ya ugly outside"!
A lot of men, and some women, are truly delusional when it comes to their own attractiveness and what they should really be EXPECTING in return! Very sad!
Oooooh there was so much more that I wanted to say!!!
I think I'm generally attractive but I recognize I'm not everyone's cup of tea, which is fine. It took me years to think of myself as pretty so I'm happy I'm in a place where I love myself & what I see in the mirror.
Physical attraction are essential of course, but it's not the top of the list for me. There's a bare minimum of atractiveness required, which can be added to or subtracted from depending on the personality & other factors. If the overall score is "ugly" then its a no-go.
So endeth the lesson.
There it is!
Thing I learned the hard way? There is always someone cuter, smarter, thinner, finer, lighter, darker, longer hair, shorter hair, whatever. All I can do is be the best me and if that's not good enough fror someone, they need to step to the next.
And another thing. There's no need for him to "shut her down" - a no thank you is plenty. Guys like this make me tired, tired, tired.
Do I consider myself attractive? Is that not a cartoon version of me in my profile picture?
I haven't used my own likeness in a profile picture in awhile. I hate taking pictures.
"For a man with a $3000 laptop in front of him and BMW keys clutched in his hand, he needed to be on better speaking terms with lotion. And toenail clippers. And a dentist, dermatologist and nutritionist." <----DEAD
Why you gotta mention toenail clippers!
I think I'm ok looking. I don't look like the bottom of a foot or anything.
As for dating? I can count on one finger the number of dudes I thought were physically attractive. It's all about the personality for me. As long as you take care of yourself and work with what you've got and have a good personality then it's cool.
I clean up well, I cook my a** off, I can crack folks other than myself, and I work and play hard. I love me enough so that when someone does meet me, it is all gravy from there.
Like my man says - I was made for him. So - MEH - I'm good any way it's sliced!
Pretty iz as pretty does.
Nuff said.
They need to be attractive to ME
That is all.
Ha! I stopped getting mad from the inanity exhibited by dudes like this a long time ago. Now, all I do is laugh. Let the deluded stay deluded, and I keep my sanity and keep it moving.
Now, I knew that most people would rate themselves moderately attractive. And, it's pretty much true since most people fall somewhere around average and there are only a few outliers at either end. I'm an attractive woman, with flaws of course, and I ant to date someone that I'm attracted to. Most of the people I've dated are within one standard deviation of average on the looks scale, so I've never really dated someone who wasn't physically attractive. Hmm, maybe that make me shallow, but I prefer that to mean that I have good visual taste! I couldn't date someone who I thought was ugly. HOWEVER, I'm more likely to send someone immediately to the cut pile for the most random physical characteristics. Like having a longer torso than legs, or having hands that I don't like.
I couldn't take the second poll because there was no answer that actually match my answer. I'd date someone who I didn't find 100% attractive (there'd have to be some attraction) if certain other things were on point: character, intelligence, humor, no fat boy tendencies. They don't have to be perfect in every area, just in the non negotiables.
I think I am moderately attractive but not everyone's cup of tea, which is fine with me.
Upon our initial meeting, I need to be attracted to a man. He doesn't have to have a certain look but I need to find him physically attractive. Whether that attraction dies a slow death or mushrooms depends on what the man has going for himself. Good character, strength, personality, strong work ethic and emotional intelligence make me swoon! The opposite of those can have me running faster than Usain Bolt!
I have made the mistake of dating men that I wasn't physically attracted to because I thought they would become more attractive with internal qualities. I have learned the hard way that I need to find a man pleasing and attractive in addition to the other important stuff.
High maintenance is no bueno. I cannot STAND high maintenance dudes. They can have an entire stadium full of seats.
And really, I know this is wrong, but I'm playing the world's tiniest violin for your plight as a single, attractive doctor.
I don't know Shawn! I know a lot of men who have dated, married and divorced pretty. Sadly, some are still chasing pretty.
If a person has some basics to work with I assume they can be made to look more attractive by numerous ways and means.
This is especially true re: Jamie Foxx. I'm heading to the corner now....LOL
And Chris Rock, who is not cute to me, but he has come a loooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnng way since his Pookie days for sure. HAHAHA!
You are cute though. *wink*
Yes Lawd!! Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!
OMG, I had a similar experience this past weekend as well. As my friend said, "how you going to be a nickle out here looking for a dime." I have dated all kinds of men but the one consistent theme in those relationships was chemistry. I guess to each its own.
SADLY!!!
The same way I find Jay-z attractive, his demeanor does it for me. *there goes my bougie card*
No no no, Joe Camel IS sexy. I'm with you on that one.
OMG..you had me at toenail clipper. Ewwwwwwwwww.. his attitude is makes him very unattractive. He must have it twisted, yes he might have some pocket change, however women do also in 2011 and we do not have to settle for someone who is in denial and thinks he is a gift because he has a nice car/laptop or whatever. He can keep telling himself he is a rare commodity if he wants too. Newsflash, you are not the only man of color with pocket change and you won't be the last.
As for myself..my husband still winks at me and I turn a few heads when I am minding my own business, so I guess that means I'm aigghhhttt. LOL!
"Soap and a foot file will take him far in this world."--LOL! Thanks for the much needed laugh!
o_O...Hey I'm not gonna snatch your card.
Bill Belehmy (sp)! I won't say it's their money, but may be the ability to better groom themselves than when they first stepped on the scene.
In the words of my Jamaican grandmother: A pretty face and bad character. Dem the kinda livin can't hold a man . Seh gal yul face it pretty but yul charchter dirty . That just mean that with good look's and not character you won't go to for
I'm glad someone is talking real talk today. Folks are killing me with their political correctness.
I'm too dang old to take on makeover projects. Where you are right now may very well be your peak and start of the downfall so why on earth would I deign to "change" a grown man? If I'm not attracted to you then keep it moving. You may be a good person but trust that I know what I am and am not attracted to. Why should I waste their time and give them false hope?
Funny how wanna be matchmakers always tell me I should be looking at all these "inner qualities" while ignoring the beer belly, scrabble challenged (wink) aspects of the dude they think I can mold. You know, because any man is better than nothing. He hasn't been breaking his neck for you to hook us up because of my work with children so miss me with that.
(#sorryfortherant-hit-a-nerve)
**doing the buttafly...the bogle and the signal de plane**
Chele and I were trying to teach these young uns at the church house but she ran out of time and I ran out of patience (can I get a witness?). These little fly girls talking about wanting to be "the baddest b*tch in the game" *takes a moment to pray*
I wanted to slap some sense into them but Chele took the high road and tried to explain that as long as there was one good man out there who thought you were Hot Shiggity - that's all you needed. Think they listened?
We've got to do better by these kids and let them know that the key to happiness is not in the length of your weave, your waist-to-hip ratio or how high a Louboutin you rock.
What was the question? My nerves are bad just thinking on this.
Sorry but no amount of money would let me overlook Bill's soup coolers! IJS.....LMAO!!!!
Color me shallow. I'm the hotness and I need the same coming my direction. #thatisall #nocountryforbrokedowness
LOL!!! Love that strike through!
"And really, I know this is wrong, but I'm playing the world's tiniest violin for your plight as a single, attractive doctor. "
LMAO! At least you know you're wrong.
I HATE when people try to downplay someones struggles just because theirs might be worse, as if knowing person B is worse off is supposed to make person A feel better or come to some grand epiphany that life is good 'cause you know... it could be worse.
That said, I did snicker just a bit.
"It's bullshit when all someone knows about you is that you're an attractive, single doctor."
I said this in my lost comment but this highlights another point. If you have to talk about it, you ain't about it.
If Monsieur Crusty was that good looking and paid, HE wouldn't have to say a damn thing about to let people know... yet alone his friends. His reputation should precede him. There should be women he barely knows the name of telling other women how fine and paid he is.
I think the older you are, the less inclined you are to do a lot of "fix up" work with someone. Thank God I met my wife when I was young and she thought my brokedownness was fixable and worth it.
Dr Jayme my nerves are bad too, because of the women who think it's necessary, and the men who use it as a requirement!
LOL, too cute!
These little fly girls talking about wanting to be "the baddest b*tch in the game".....
Really? Like, for real for real?
How old we talking here? I'm out of touch with people my age but please tell me you're talking about middle and highschoolers. Not the young adults.
*remembers I need to look into the Big Brother Big Sister program.*
*fistbump* If I want to laugh I'll go to the comedy club....
"Where do you rank yourself on the attractiveness scale (no, I won't
use numbers) and how important are looks when rating someone's overall
attractiveness?"
to answer your question...in my eyes? 4/10.
after i become successful/rule the world? 6/10.
however, that's how *I* see myself looks-wise. i have no clue what women think of me, and for the most part, i'm apathetic to it.
i personally would not date anyone that i wasn't attracted to. irregardless of personaltiy, knowledge, resources, what haven you. that being said, i fully expect the opposite sex to not date someone they weren't attracted to.
The outside may draw me in but it truly is what is inside that sustains the relationship for me. I have met guys that became much more attractive as I got to know them and others that got much less attractive as I got to know them. My current "Dude" keeps me laughing and is kind and giving and that was what initially attracted me and he cutie too!!!
the man has presence, business sense & common sense. Thats attractive.
I think beauty is something you feel as well as see. I am beautiful to me and I'm content with that.
What do I find attractive?
re: dude, He sounds like someone with very little self esteem, hence the need to make noise about his 'types'.
I have a great personality, LOL. But no one is interested in JUST personality. It has to be the whole package and I understand that. It's just... I can't change what I look like, so... *shrug* I be aight though. Me and my starter cat, we're gonna be aight.
I could stop by here just for the pictures at the top of the post. I don't know where you find them, but they usually make me laugh :-)
You lasted longer than I would have. It is a shame to have the Saturday coffee break interrupted by such nonsense. I don't think anybody should date somebody they don't find attractive. It doesn't do a person any favors to be with them if you don't find them attractive. In fact, it is kind of sort of arrogant. Let them find somebody who thinks they are all that with whipped cream on top.
As for me, I'm happy to be alive and reasonably happy and that the sun is shinning today.
Look smatter because that is the first thing I see about you before I decide if I even want to talk to you. Yeah it's a bit shallow but it's real. Now if approached by a not so attractive person, I may hold a conversation. I may even enjoy it and try to look away from your appearance. But if you look brokedown then I am going to have to pass.
Peace, Love and Chocolate,
Tiffany
i voted for moderately attractive and i wouldn't date someone i didn't find attractive.
i think i have a great personality and i'm smart so what i lack in the looks department i make up for with everything else. i also have a lot of confidence so i believe that goes a long way. with that said i don't think i would date a woman who i didn't personally find attractive.
Me and my starter cat, we're gonna be aight. <--HAHAHAAA!
Like most people, I voted that I find myself moderately attractive.
Nowadays I wouldn't date someone I didn't find attractive. I know from
experience that dating someone that I'm not really attracted to thinking
that their personality will outshine that is a waste of time.
I'm not shallow enough to say you have to be the total package, but
you've got to have something going for you physically for me to even
want to be bothered. Also, you could be finer than three Denzels but if your attitude is rank, forget it.
those three characteristics together represent "swagger"......and that's why he has "the baddest chick in the game wearing his chain". If his voice was just a little bit deeper, though...IJS.
Those three characteristics together, represent SWAGGER. I agree Jay Z has tons of it, and that's exactly why he has "the baddest chick in the game wearing his chain"....and now carrying his child. If his squeaky voice were just a little bit deeper, though....IJS.
I've never been one to believe my own hype, but 9 out of 10 people I know consider me cute. Some say really cute. That being the case, I have neither the desire or inclination to wake up next to an unattractive man. There has to be something besides his intelllect that bought him into my bedroom for naked, grown-up fun. I'm just sayin'....#ColorMeShallow
I voted very attractive, because I'm very pleased with God's work. Guess that means that my vote is actually a vote for the Man upstairs huh? Truth is I have not nor will I ever date someone that "I" am not attracted to, regardless of their other attributes.
I bet every single one of those people at table was single!!!!!
"Attracted to" and "attractive" are two different things in my opinion. I think everyone enjoys looking at pretty, but ultimately, the contents of the box are more important than the packaging. I mean, you don't buy an iPad because the wrapper is cool, right? Tall, dark, chiseled features, soulful eyes, track star's body, warm smile, smell's nice, stylish -- that's what I find attractive. But I'm attracted to men who are smart, funny, compassionate, fair-minded, industrious, stylish (I do like a good sense of personal style -- including and especially quirky), personable, and maybe even a little goofy. Sometimes the men I'm "attracted to" are also what I find categorically "attractive," but other times there's no intersection between the two. If an "attractive" guy doesn't have the qualities that I'm "attracted to," then I keep steppin'.
As for me? On the really long continuum between gorgeous and WTF, I suppose I'm...meh...somewhere in the middle I guess, although I have been called cute on occasion.
LMAO at "soup coolers!" Haven't heard that one in a loooong time!
"lotion. And toenail clippers.
And a dentist, dermatologist and nutritionist".
Sounds like you are looking for a gay dude. Good luck with your search.
Real men like me are in the gym bench pressing 250lbs hitting the heavy bag
while weak dudes are getting pedicures and getting their teeth whitened.
Real dudes can't find lotion?
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