Friday, September 23, 2011

Dating Up - A Bougie Bachelor Chronicle


Hey everybody, this is David. Sometimes referred to as 3N, Le Ninja Nouveau, Batman and Studmuffin. No? Not studmuffin? I'm being censored as I type. Long story short, I am he who dates her. La Contessa de Bouge. I'm proud to say we'll hit the eight month mark in about a week. Time flies when you're having the time of your life.

Since I'm boarding a plane headed to China Friday afternoon and I won't be around for a while; I was coerced decided to write my one and only Bougie Bachelor post. So here goes.

First, a little bit about me. I'm from a small town in Southern Georgia. I'm the youngest of five, the only boy and I was an angel growing up. (That's my story, doubt me.) My parents were solidly middle class and raised us with an emphasis on education and academic excellence, an old school work ethic and what I can only describe as "down home" values. I was raised to be a Southern gentleman. Not sure I've always succeeded there, but for the most part, I've tried.

When I first moved away from home I had a life plan. I was going to finish college, get an MBA, and then meet Mrs. Chase, buy a house, two cars, settle down, have two kids and retire at forty. I'm thirty-six. I have the MBA, the house and the cars. Working on the rest. 

No doubt that looking back, I was so proud of what I'd accomplished that it never occurred to me to do more. Professionally and personally. Things (okay women) have generally come easy to me. There's probably some great saying about how things that come easy aren't really appreciated. What I didn't know then that I definitely know now... it's okay to reach beyond the stratosphere especially in your relationships. It's okay to work really harder than you've ever worked in your life for it. 

When I first started reading this blog, I was kind of intrigued by the mind behind it. I can say with about 70% honesty that I was drawn in by the brain before I saw the beauty. I'll never be sure how much the opportunity to meet her weighed into my decision to move to Dallas. But I do know that once I met her, I went borderline stalker in my quest. The woman is not easy but nothing worth having ever is.

What I'm saying to you, fellow Bougie Bruhs - date up. Find someone smarter, better-looking, more articulate, deeper-thinking, bigger-dreaming, more creative than you ever plan on being. Then make sure she gets that you are none of those things but have her back. If she still decides to put up with you, then fight like hell to keep her. (Something I have to figure out how to do from 7000 miles away) Just trust me on this, the journey is worth it. Even when it's a steep uphill climb. Not liking that? Even when the road gets rocky. How's that?

That's it, that's all the brilliance I have to share without getting filleted in my sleep emo. Keep an eye on Wonder Woman while I'm gone. David out.

BougieLand, not even sure what to do with that but I do I have to ask... who dates down? Deliberately? Don't we all want to date up? And if we all do, what does that mean for everyone else? Oh, while I'm asking - who has tips for long distance relationships? Really, really long distance... Le Sigh.

141 comments:

GammasWorld said...

Safe travels 3N!   I hate to bring my TV obsession into Bougieland, but last night's episode of The Big Bang Theory had some really funny Skype scenes between Leonard and Priya as they work out the long distance relationship -- a Bougie version?  Maybe?  Okay I gots nothing. 

Thanks for sharing "you" with us.    Who dates down?  Well, I think quite a lot of people.  Those who grow up without the healthy sense of self that is so important to picking partners will date who they feel they're worthy of.   No matter how together you are on the outside, if your inside is damaged it will impact every choice you make on your journey through this life. 

misskate said...

For long distance relationships, it's the time zones that are the biggest killers. Skype is great, but make sure it's not always the same person getting the 5am video call; share the joy.

One of my favorite couple who are making it long distance write to each other. They IM, e-mail and skype, sure, but they also write longhand letters through the weeks of separation and then when they're together, they exchange them.  I think it was his idea; so sweet it makes your teeth hurt.

Decide how much contact you need. Are you the type that is going to need a little something (three line e-mail or quick text message) every day; or can you go a few days before needing to hear their voice/sign of life? Communicate honestly about this. You might start off thinking that one way or the other will work and then discover a week or so into it, that no, not so much, what you really need is this.

Amazon, ftd, any favorite on-line store can also be a great way of dropping a physical "I'm thinking of you" token.  Same with postcards, whether of home or a potential getaway for the two of you.

Know how long it will last. Have a specific date set to meet up. It's the not knowing that's a killer.

Good luck! It's totally doable. I'm not saying it's not hard or doesn't suck, but for and with the right person, it can actually be an amazing experience and period of growth for a couple. Think of all the military spouses whose partners are deployed for months or a year at a time. Totally survivable.

Brandon St. Randy said...

If you're doing it right, both partners should feel like they're dating up. She probably feels like she's dating up because she has someone that has her back.

Lady Ngo said...

No fair, Misskate stole like my entire comment. *pouty face*

But yes, definitely pay attention to the time difference, utilize Skype, IM, and definitely hand written letters since its nice to get something in the mail other than a bill every now and again. 

Re: meeting up- its most cost effective for one to go to the other, but if you can afford it, I say meet up someplace in the middle.

Ije oma, 3N!

maureen said...

Awwwww...... very sweet. Long distance can work, but it will need shear determination and work from each party. When I first moved to the U.S, I continued dating my then BF(he was back home, Kenya)for 2 years. We ended it  because the U.S Embassy denied his visa application, we had to be realistic and tickets to Kenya are not cheap either. From a few posts  back, you will be gone for 6 months, the relationship will survive.
 I believe in dating up, because that is  what they drilled on me.

Journey Merci!

thinking that... said...

prayers for safe travel and abundance of prayers for doing what it will take to make the long distance work.  i have no tip(s) other than do what you have been doing "fight like hell to keep" each other.....

who dates down?...Those who grow up without the healthy sense of self that is so important to picking partners will date who they feel they're worthy of.   No matter how together you are on the outside, if your inside is damaged it will impact every choice you make on your journey through this life....  well said GammasWorld.  this was me until i realized i am worthy and took the time to do the work to repair my damaged inside....

Think P. Smart said...

folks date down all the time.  Men, who wants someone to think they are the greatest things since fire do it because they assume those women will adore them.  They're usually right.  Women who have bought into the idea that the only good men who will worship them are beneath them socially, financially, etc. also purposely date down with home that the space difference will cause the men to be so thankful they have no choice but to adore the women. 

As for long-distance, I got nothing.  But I'm sure with all this technology, you'll make it work.

CaliGirlED said...

 THIS RIGHT HERE!!!

MsJamie14 said...

This is the sweetest post. You guys have definitely won in finding one another.

I simply love how he loves you and isn't afraid to tell the world about it. Enjoy China, Billy Dee Ninja.

CaliGirlED said...

Exactly!!! I was thinking he's admittedly dating up, so does that mean she's dating down? NO! They're just dating up on different standards. I think someone soooo intrigued by Chele's mind first then looks second is definitely rare (assuming here Chele), and is therefore UP. And like you said Brandon, someone that has her back! Looks like they're both winning and I wish them the best!

BriBri said...

Dating up is a good experience for anyone.  It challenges you to be a better person!

I agree with everything Misskate said downthread.  The communication about how much one needs to be contacted is an absolute MUST! Things that got me through my LDR (me in Mississippi, him in the Phillipines for 3 months) were Skype, IM, text, Oovo.  The time difference made it difficult, but when we could we would try to watch our favorite TV shows together so we could feel connected.  Check out www.lovingfromadistance.com for some cutesy ideas you can do for each other.

Safe travels to you Mr. 3N and good luck to you "La Contessa de Bouge" (so cute!).  Y'all will be just fine!

CaliGirlED said...

And for those who still act like you don't know, NOW you know! So stop with the inappropriate flirting, please and thank you.

StLunatic said...

Living in St. Louis, I feel like I have no choice but to date down most of the time ( ._.) That, or not date at all, which I tried briefly. #NoThanks

CaliGirlED said...

David and Chele, I have been elated by this friendship from day one (the day I realized what was brewing). And as you two have come closer together and shared your story with us in BougieLand I have come to adore (ok be over-protective, lol) of your relationship. (I will never forget those purple shoes! You had me at the shoes David!!!)

So safe travels to you both because I'm sure (I know she better) Chele will travel to visit you. I hope that you will let this time that you've had together be the foundation through your time apart. Let the strength of the bond you have created be the driving force of your coming back together. Physically you may be apart, but you don't have to let the distance pull you apart spiritually. And as you become emotionally frustrated share those feelings with each other and let that communication keep you connected. I wish you guys the absolute best. David I hope that you find open hearts and friendships in China to help you through the rough patches when you are missing home.

And now I know why the bouge has not been so fresh, this day was approaching! Woo woo woo, woo woo woo. *gives Chele an e-hug*

Natasha Hunter said...

I'm going to assume CaliGirlED aka OGWestCoastGangstaCheckEm's "warning" post is getting a lot of likes and that's why my post keeps disappearing. LMBO! Whew-nothing like some Friday Funny!

Well to keep it short and simple- great post and of course, sound advice. I wish you two well and I'm sure you'll be fine.  I think you'll be able to find some great shoes in China-do like you did in the beginning, and keep the suprises coming.

I remember reading in a book about a couple that took pictures of things they did together (umm-hmm) and ever so often would send them to each other with notes on the backs of them.  I liked that idea and said I would incorporate that if ever I needed to. That's all I have. 

sol_dier said...

What I didn't know then that I definitely know now... it's okay to reach beyond the stratosphere especially in your relationships

Well Said!.

re: Long distance: Frequent communication and always remembering what treasure you have at home. Remember the investment, remember the outcome you hope for and take each day as it comes. 
Cherish the bird in the hand. 
Good luck, safe travels and eat dangerously lol

sol_dier said...

Cali... 
you are hilarious!, think that lil statement at the end might get you in a lil spot of bother hmm you sooo like trouble! lol

sol_dier said...

In hindsight.. yep I've dated down but I never really saw it that way. I was raised in a contrast to my surrounding environment, I didn't have much of an option. 

I mean I when I was younger as mush as I had a standard, I did just want to have fun, hangout and give people a chance. I thought and to a certain extent still think many qualifiers are kinda silly.
I also had head stuck so far up in romance books that I truly seemed to be on a quest to find the 'diamond in the rough'. Later on I realised, that I didn't have to ignore all the diamonds around sitting around just to find the rare pink diamond.  (I grew up in a very romantic, fairytale type household and it has taken years of personal unlearning to break away from it).

Only1DivaC said...

Now see I'm glad somebody said something because I sure was about to say something!

NY2VA said...

I have shared before that my marriage is actually the result of a long distance relationship.  For three years we lived in different states, but we talked everyday, and wrote letters constantly (I still have them all).  We had friends who were totally supportive of the relationship, which is always a plus.  We blew up our credit cards renting cars and  purchasing bus tickets and I really think we probably still owe some now defunct phone company money for all those late night long distance calls.    We dated during the dark ages of the mid to late 90's, when we were young and broke and the communication technology available to you guys now was still only science fiction.  Hell, my husband didn't even have internet in his apartment back then so we we couldn't even really utilize e-mail very much.   With all of the resources you have at your disposal, and the seemingly solid foundation you have already built, six months will have passed before you know it.

Only1DivaC said...

I'm with CaliGirl when I connected the dots on what was going down I was excited for you two. As for long distance relationships the best advice I can give you is communicate, communicate, and communicate some more, which I don't think you guys will have a problem with in my opinion.

As for dating down, we have all done it. I think we do it when we really don't want anybody to challenge us and hold up a mirror to say you know what your shiggity stinks.

Anywho, safe travels and stay away from those parlors and clubs that want to give you "happy" endings. LOL!

Jeannette said...

I already told David he's a rare breed and we need more brothers like him.  I wish both of you's a strong staying power and focus ! :)

rozb said...

What is considered "dating down"? I dunno - I am solidly "white collar" and my soon-to-be is definitely "blue collar", but - WOOOO! This man supports me in anything I want to do to improve myself, and our lives together. We make decisions about our future based on the capabilities we each have, and we take off from there.

To women who think they can't "date down" you might want to re-define what that is. If your idea of it is not dating someone who gets dirty for a living, I got news for ya - the clean-up at the end of the day is the most fun, and...you should let the dirty fool you anyway. Plenty of smart, intelligent men get dirt under their nails for a living, and provide great homes and lifestyles for their loved ones.

I guess I am speaking from experience, and I will be making it official in six days and a wake-up!

rozb said...

Awwww  sookie sookie now!

maureen said...

I agree with you, "dating down" is definitely relative....

CaliGirlED said...

Now see I wasn't even talking about anything bad! I was referring to her being sad about the upcoming departure.

Always assuming CaliGirl is up to no good! I'm being typecasted here!*stomps out the door*

Sarah said...

Good luck on your trip, David! Sometimes you have to trust. This would be one of those times. 

CaliGirlED said...

I didn't even do anything! *kicks over chair and storms out, again*

L.P. said...

As a (very)long distance relationship veteran (ending it in 2 months, Yippee!!!), I totally approve this message.
Also, have a plan on how often you will see each other and implement the plan as soon as possible.
Another good help was for us to not leave anything to uncertainty, as in, we had a timeline on the definite reunion. It took some re-arranging, some big changes and some (begrudged) adaptations, but it is all worth it for the right mate.
Also, forget about what people have to say, because they will always have something to say.

Good Luck y'all!!!

CaliGirlED said...

"...we probably still owe some now defunct phone company money for all those late night long distance calls." LOL

CaliGirlED said...

See now everybody's talking about CaliGirl and look who's talking about "happy" endings!!! I am unequivocally, 100%  NOT guilty! *knocks over 10 chairs, kicks small trash cans, slams door*..."This time"! *snickers*

The Husky Bro said...

I am a Southern Missionary Baptist (and obviously a 12 year-old because I still mentally giggle when I say "Missionary Baptist" because you're getting screwed twice...think about it) and I approve of this message.  But if you're going to date up, man, you best be sure you got the portfolio because, lets be real, a lot of people say that they want LOVE when what they really want is FINANCIAL SECURITY.  

The Husky Bro said...

I'm just sayin'

md_KG said...

Awwww......

Like CaliGirlED and Only1DivaC, I was muy excited when I connected the dots too.

The key to making it work is both of you committing to communicating frequently. However that works out will take practice and trying different things. I believe China is 12 hours ahead (ET) so that would be 13 hours CT? and that's not too bad cos someone's early morning will be the other person's night. Before you guys know it, 6 months will be here and you'll both wonder where the time went.

The dating up/dating down thing can be a bit of a quagmire. Besides it's all relative. In this case, I'm not sure I agree with David when he says he's "dating up". I see it more as you two being complementary and a good match.

Safe travels David :)

CaliGirlED said...

First let me say that I adore your relationship too, after reading about your story and seeing your pictures. You guys are soooo adorable!

Second, you are so correct about women sleeping on blue collar men! And what's funny is I just saw an episode on Living Single where Regin(a) passed up the carpet cleaning guy (over the phone), only to find out that he in fact owned the company, wore nice suits and drove a Porché.

Lastly, I love a man that can get dirty and then clean up well! The versatility is SEXY!!!

Jazzy Jazz said...

Safe travels 3N!!

I think some people do date down. I think everytime you are with someone that doesnt respect your ideas , or what you stand for - you are dating down.

blackprofessor said...

If you're doing it right, both partners should feel like they're dating up. - This is the gospel truth!!

CaliGirlED said...

"In this case, I'm not sure I agree with David when he says he's "dating
up". I see it more as you two being complementary and a good match." AGREED

And dating up/down is indeed relative! I think that when two people complement each other in various ways, it's a win-win. When one is just riding the coat tail of the other, it's a win-lose. And when both of your trifling asses are just sitting around doing nothing and have no inspiration to give to each other, it's clearly a lose-lose!
 

blackprofessor said...

Have you tried internet dating to meet woman outside of St. Louis?

SingLikeSassy said...

My advice for long distance dating:  Do everything you can to stay connected -- email, phone calls, Skype, snail mail -- and a long visit in the middle. That's what my friend did when her sweetie was in Afghanistan (he was a contractor, not a soldier) for six months. He's back home now and everything is loverly.

As for dating up, I think some people do go for the low hanging fruit. It's right there, accessible, you don't have to put much effort in to reach it. The thing is, the fruit contained on these lower branches may be not be as ripe or attractive as the fruit on higher limbs, so, SOMETIMES you shortchange yourself by being lazy.

Good luck to you both, I know everything will be fine.

sol_dier said...

woman! you better stomp right back in here and have a cup of tea with ur sista from another mother across the pond. lol.

Earthangel172 said...

Nice write up 3N! Isn't it funny how we plan our lives and then LIFE happens? Anyway, my only unsolicited piece of advice to both of you is constant communication. A little lotion (3N) and a stash of double A batteries (Chele) never hurt either. LOL Runs to the corner ------------------------------------>

God bless and safe travels.

sol_dier said...

money doesn't necessarily equate to 'up or down'. Like Maureen said, its all relative.

I know many rich people who are 'undateable' for me. You can be as rich as all get out and still lack common sense (inherited wealth is so unfair) or even just finance smart but inarticulate or just an ill mannered goat.

tis all relative

Jazzy Jazz said...

OOH you are just as bad as CaliGirlED LOL !

blackprofessor said...

Aww,what a sweet post! I can't remember when I connected the dots especially since I am not on Twitter but I was excited when I realized it was you. Both of you seem like cool peeps and I am always happy to see two good people get together and make it work.

My dad told me when I was a teenager to marry up or marry laterally but never to marry down. I had no idea what the hell he meant but I do now.  For me - dating down is dating someone who is unable to challenge me to grow, stretch and become a better person.  I have learned that this has little to do with a man's education, social class or occupation and everything to do with his mindset - who he is, how he sees the world and how he sees his place in the world.  Some men have an expansive mindset and some men have a limited mindset, and the former is much more  likely to inspire me than the latter. 

David you have figured out what do to up to this point, so I have full confidence that you will successfully figure out what to do to get through this phase of long distance.   

Earthangel172 said...

How can anyone not know?! Girl, I got the Vaseline......IJS

Earthangel172 said...

"I simply love how he loves you and isn't afraid to tell the world about it."

I'm glad you mentioned this because most men don't do this anymore and I'm not sure why. I remember a time when men were not afraid to let the world know how much they love their woman. What happened?

Earthangel172 said...

I learn from the best! LMBO...

GrownAzzMan said...

"What I'm saying to you, fellow Bougie Bruhs - date up. Find someone smarter, better-looking, more articulate, deeper-thinking, bigger-dreaming, more creative than you ever plan on being."

Done! And well worth it. Good words sir. Safe travels.

ShawnSoze said...

We all had breakfast to say our bon voyage this morning and I'm still de-thugged. Ya'll gonna be alright. And that's a good word, sir.

Jubilance said...

I gotta cosign on the shoe bit. That was a nice move there.

CaliGirlED said...

o_O Y'all bad!!! *detaches from this conversation*

michaeldavis said...

Nice post my brother, and safe travels.  I LOVE seeing brothers do big things.

At least nowadays there is skype and other technology. You might have to rig it in some way...I have a friend in a province over there and he can only get on FB/Skype every few months or so b/c it gets blocked.

Y'all gave me a little hope...there are definitely quality women all up and through the BnB nation.  There's one in particular that I need Chele to get down to Dallas.

Oh and BE CLEAR about this here: any dude that tries to thread-holla at Chele has a problem from me and the GA boys.  *tips  hat*  over and out.

Jubilance said...

1 - I'm so glad this poorly kept secret of the identity of 3N is now out there. I think yall are so cute together #yay

2- As someone said, dating down is relative. For me, dating down is the same as settling for whatever I can get. There's a big difference between adjusting your priorities (wants vs needs list) and flat out throwing it out the window just so you can say you are in a relationship. People need to understand the difference.

3- My long-distance tips: Use every communication device you can (Skype, IM, phone, text, email, snail mail, etc); truly vocalize how you're feeling because this is the only way you can be close to your partner for now; and book those flights to China/US early & on a schedule.

BlackButterfly said...

This is an excellent comment on how to handle having a have long distance relationships!!!

CaliGirlED said...

"For me - dating down is dating someone who is unable to challenge me to
grow, stretch and become a better person.  I have learned that this has
little to do with a man's education, social class or occupation and
everything to do with his mindset - who he is, how he sees the world and
how he sees his place in the world.  Some men have an expansive mindset
and some men have a limited mindset, and the former is much more 
likely to inspire me than the latter. " *goes down for altar call, joins church, pays tithes and offering*

CaliGirlED said...

 Aw I know the Georgia Boys are feeling some kind of way today!!! I know your long standing friendship will reach all the way over to China! You guys are a cool bunch!

CaliGirlED said...

Uh oh, hide your girls, Mike is on the prowl! LOL

sol_dier said...

Jesu Christi!. _________ Dead.

CaliGirlED said...

Hence the term "act like"...Hold my earrings!...LMAO!!! For the record CaliGirl is not violent and does not condone fighting over men. *mumbles, but don't start none won't be none*

thinklikeRiley said...

Bruh - safe travels.  In my book, ain't no other way to go but up.

Grace said...

Okay, I'll ask - Chele, when are you going?

Only1DivaC said...

Wait what?! I didn't do anything.

BlackButterfly said...

" ... lets be real, a lot of people say that they want LOVE
when what they really want is FINANCIAL SECURITY."

Ummm, I don't think that these two areas are/should be  mutually exclusive.

Love is essential in a relationship and i.m.o. falls under the category of emotional responsibility and financial security is also essential and falls under the category of provider responsibility.  These two areas are about being responsible and although these areas can mean different things to different people-- the goal is to find someone that is equally yoked with what you desire and not settle for less than that.  The goal should always be to aspire to be your best self in life and to be with someone that inspires and respects that in you.

CaliGirlED said...

 Ok! *turns a chair back over and sits down* (Sometimes I wish I could throw fits in real life! LOL)

AndreaPlaid said...

But...you usually are up to no good, CaliGirlED. That's what I admire about you. ::shrug::

blackprofessor said...

Dead at the batteries, lol!

CaliGirlED said...

We're in total agreement here!

OneChele said...

Third week in October. Then again in December.

keishabrown said...

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
i got nothing else.
*hits twtter, facebook, google+ share buttons. 

Davinodylano said...

hello are  you there with me am Nsama Dyland i will be very much please if we can have a chat on line
 

CaliGirlED said...

You are so on top of it! I expected nothing less!

CaliGirlED said...

Gotta love the Georgia Boys!

keishabrown said...

*sheepishly raises hand. 
i didnt know.  but im also not a full-pledged member of bougie phi bouge. (working on it!). ;)
but nor do i flirt inappropriately with ppl on social medias...cuz real boos and e-boos are no joke!

BlackButterfly said...

You two have serious technology upgrades and more travel options since I did my long distance relationship in the late 90's-BONUS!!!  I would take MissKate's suggestions as to how to maneuver the challenges that can come along with dating long distance.   But again, so much more available to you'll now.  Safe travels David!

Now on to Chele's questions:

Do you date down?  Ugh.  In my early 20's I did, it was called "dating the underdog" and I was always seeing so much in these individuals but many times that was all there was me seeing it and them not so much.

Don't we all want to date up?  Absolutely!  I think that when I was in college I assumed EVERYONE was there with the same mindset of pursuing their best selves and potential. That sadly was not always the case. My idea of dating up is dating someone that aspires to always be their best self in all areas of their life and inspires and respects that in me.

keishabrown said...

LMFAO. this killed me too. 

md_KG said...

^ Spam alert

CaliGirlED said...

Ok so since I'm the "bad one", I'll say it: Y'all just gonna pretend that Riley's real picture hasn't been posted for the last few days??? Yeah ok...*mumbles, must've got shot down in those DM's*

keishabrown said...

lol. 
*walks away singing wanna be startin somethin'.... 

CaliGirlED said...

WTH???

CaliGirlED said...

Good lookin!

TL said...

Dating up has nothing to do with looks or money, but everything to do with character and personality. All the rest can fade, but a good man/woman will be good in the best of times, and the worst. That's the first thing most of us need to learn about relationships. And once you love that person for who he is, he/she will be breathtaking to you on all levels. So I definitely agree with David on this one.

As for the long distance, that is a tough spot to be in. Did a long distance marriage for 4 years, and while it was tough, it came easy to us. When we were together, we shut out the rest of the world. We took time not just for the cocoa, but for good, spirited conversation. And we used the communication method that worked best for us, which happened to be email and Gchat, as we both hate being on the phone. My point is, it's definitely doable, you just have to commit the time and effort to still make each other your number 1 sounding board. It may seem like the tiniest little thing, but still share it with her, because it's those little things that make relationships withstand such difficult circumstances.

Wishing you both the best.

Davinodylano said...

hello i must confess that God did not just take a day to creat you but he toke more than centuries tomake just one part of you

CaliGirlED said...

I resemble that statement! *slides through pearly gates, straightens halo, dusts off wings* As long as I get in! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

*ignores Diva*

CaliGirlED said...

Oh my damn!!! I guess the request up above was supposed to be directed to you personally! Shy much? LOL

AndreaPlaid said...

Earthangel172 ,
you sooooo are *not* bad. I told my own long-distance lover I'm bringing a
sex-toy entourage with me when I visit him this weekend. ::Kanye shrug::


 


Sometimes,
you have to implement the supplements until the sentient returns, yes?


 


::whistles,
lets herself out::

Alvin Milton said...

Good advice. Hard finding the right woman, dating up or down. Though I'm uncomfortable with the notion of class/caste, it is prevalent.

Hannington said...

Much as this was a great read, IDK about "dating-up." When you say you should look for someone who's better than you in some way, it kinda sounds like you're saying the other person should pity us and we're fortunate to be with them. Which we are, but that notion needs to be returned by the other party. IDK, maybe I'm looking into it too much. But I will give 3N props. He sounds like an epic writer. "La Contessa de Bouge." lol

michaeldavis said...

yep

michaeldavis said...

I wouldn't call it a prowl.  That sounds like a guy with a AARP card jingling car keys in the club LOL 

The_A said...

*Last one to figure this out says* OOOOOooooooh. Yeah ok. Wait, you met where? Wow. Congrats! I guess I'd better connect w more of you on twitter so I can keep up. So who's got a Bougieland Twitter List?

What an awesome post! Thanks for sharing! Safe travels.

*applause* Fantastic advice Bougieland! Those are great ideas without the long distance travel.

Hand written letters?! Yes please & thank you!

blackprofessor said...

Snickers, Caligirl is in rare form today!!!

rozb said...

What in the fresh shiggity is this, dude? Don't spam me bro...

rozb said...

Umm Davin...you about to get stole on...just move it along and go take an English class or something...

OneChele said...

The BougieLand Twitter List: https://twitter.com/#!/list/OneChele/bougienistas

The Husky Bro said...

I am not saying that it's right or fair.  That's just the way it is for a majority of people who are looking for a relationship.  

C Nelson said...

Awh! Safe travels, David. And as someone who's in a LDR (more years now than we ever thought it was going to be, can't wait for it to be done) ...

* Gtalk is your friend. Free real-time chat and phone calls over the 'Net. (We had to submit proof that we were in frequent contact; we haven't entirely missed a day since we first started talking, though some of them are very short. 7000+ chat logs. There is no way on earth that we could have afforded that much contact if it were long-distance phone calls instead.)

* Schedule each other in. No, really. He's in Australia, I'm East Coast US. There's a 14-hour time difference. So I set my alarm clock for 5 AM to catch him when he comes home from work, and he stays up till midnight or 1 AM  to make sure we can do something together, even if it's only watching some rented movie. If one of us sleeps in, it really shows more quickly than you think it will, in small resentments and the like. It takes time (for us, anyway, but I don't think we're weird in this) to reconnect and feel comfortable enough to discuss the "little" things along with the big, and it's the little things that generally trip us up.

* Find things to do. We were lucky on this front; we met through World of Warcraft, so it's our usual routine. But we also go to Yahoo Games and other sites to play Literati (Scrabble) and occasionally other things like checkers and Battleship. And even WoW can have its pitfalls; we're in a social guild that raids. Every now and again, I realise that we've been so busy raiding we haven't spent any in-game time with *just* each other in a week ... and it's time to fix that. If you work it right, you might find you have more time with just each other than you had before, if you were extroverts who had the crew around a lot.

AndreaPlaid said...

I think this is a very sweet post, David. May your relationship with Chele continue to grow, and safe travels!

::sees CaliGirlED acting up over Riley's photo upthread:: 
I betcha he's cuter *in person.* Handle yours, luv. 

::whistles, walks away::

Earthangel172 said...

"Sometimes, you have to implement the supplements until the sentient returns, yes?"

Agreed.

Tianabianca1 said...

This was not written by him. Good thoughts though but it sounds too much like Chele.

Jubilance said...

Well...you are an old man...aren't you an AARP member by now? *runs out*

SassyJJ said...

Safe travels, 3N!

When you know, you know, you know.  Ya'll be a'ight! 

michaeldavis said...

MA'AM

CaliGirlED said...

It's Friday blackprofessor! Should've been in that BS meeting I was just in. I had to keep myself amused, sarcasm works great! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

Bwahahahaha!!! My girl!

La said...

This is really really sweet =)
I think you first have to decide what your idea of “dating down” is. For some people it’s education. For some it’s income bracket. For others it’s looks. For some it’s all or none of the above. I can’t think of anyone I’ve dated that I’d consider dating down. Not because they were all great (that is FAR from the truth, lol) but just because in some way they complimented me, no matter our differences in education, income, social status, etc.
My last 3 serious relationships (back to back) have been LDR. I think the thing that worked best (and the thing that, if missing, hurt the most) was finding a way to still be a part of the mundane stuff of everyday life. Ironically, though you will miss a lot of the big stuff you’ve already planned for, the little stuff is what will grate at you. If you see someone looking a mess that shouldn’t have left the house, send a pic and laugh about it like they’re down the street and not across the world. If you see something beautiful that reminds you of them, tell them about it. You’d be surprised how much those little things serve to keep you close to each other when you’re far apart. And like someone else said, SCHEDULING. Schedule “dates” and trips. It will not only mean time you get to spend together, but it will give you something to collectively look forward to.
Safe travels!

Jubilance said...

LMAO...

Angel Blanca said...

The two of you make my heart happy, so why am I crying? I love the love and the love story. Be well, David, and Chele, I sense many long calls and Skype sessions in your immediate future. Go old-school, too, and write hand-written letters to each other. It's only for a brief moment, right?

Sending you both love and perseverance. xoxoxo

tiffanyinhouston said...

David -  keep this in mind on those days where emails, Skype or texting doesn't seem like it's gonna get you through it:

1 Corinthians 13
 1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all
knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not
have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 8
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease;
where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge,
it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I
reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood
behind me. 12 For now we
see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

And find the one person who loves you and really, totally gets you and getting to spend your life with them...now that's what I call DATING UP.

tiffanyinhouston said...

Hell, what's the point of having a BOB and you have dead batteries! Get in where you fit in!! Literally!

OneChele said...

Sweetie please. It's not that crucial. 

CaliGirlED said...

Roz I think (hopes) it's a woman. At least the comment to Riley, which was flagged for review, led me to believe. Whoever it is, they are very inappropriate (read: needs to  read the BL rules).

Jasmib said...

*cough*haterstotheleft*cough*

Jasmin said...

Get it girl!

CaliGirlED said...

Oh Riley is definitely eye candy, but you read that the wrong way. LOL

CaliGirlED said...

That was a great Word Tiffany!!! (I don't even need to go to church Sunday!) LOL

JohnKinPDX said...

So then you personally know Michele and David? I do. And this is David Chase all day long. You don't have have to share every thought (misguided as it is) with the group

GammasWorld said...

 See I wasn't going to mention BOB but ya'll went there LMBO 

CaliGirlED said...

Bwahahahaha!!!

SingLikeSassy said...

Why bother posting this?

Jazzy Jazz said...

TIH just dropped a word- places a $10 in the offering bucket 

keishabrown said...

LOL @ CaliGirlED....
based on your previous comments today, you might need to go twice!!! ;)

CaliGirlED said...

 I'm innocent I tell ya!

Marioned said...

Good Luck and safe travels!  As someone who found true love later then expected and a son at 38, I realize  that sometimes you have to let time take you where you need to be.  Be well!

Beautifully Complex said...

Sounds like you guys are a perfect match to me. It's great to see that you truly appreciate what you have though. You two  have so many people here in BL and in your personal lives I am sure that are wishing you success in your relationship. Sometimes challenges can bring you out stronger on the other side. 
Have a safe trip & enjoy the opportunity in China.

sol_dier said...

Is that a fact?. You know this how? You were right there weren't you?
You don't think his read BnB long enough to write to the audience in the style they expect?

Do kindly take an entire row of plastic seats in 100 degree heat. 
make the brain talk before the mouth 

Singlelif said...

Great post.  I wish you Godspeed in your travels.  Because  I've read Chele's books, and before I became a regular -  the archives for this blog - I know one thing for sure and two things for certain.   

1 thing for sure:  Chele ain't crazy. She's prepared for this.
2 things for certain: Chele has A FANTASTIC IMAGINATION, and she's technologically saavy.

The two of you will be just fine..burning up Skype and "all a that"...

Singlelif said...

Now, to answer Chele's questions:

I have never consciously, on purpose "dated down".  Upon discovering that I was "dating down",  I freed him to his own device (s).  No patience for that. 

I've always been one to date at my level, or above.  I am attracted to Type A, masculine, strong,  "take charge" men. Luckily for me, I have been rather successful in this realm, as my most signficant relationships have been with men "way above my paygrade" - if we're talking financially dating up.  I can throw intellectual and social standing in there as well. So no, intentionally "dating down" is not an option for me.  I'm from Brooklyn, but I'm still bougie..

A  dating long distance tip for this particular relationship -  Chele, write a book...or better yet, a movie...hell, make one !

Brneyed1 said...

I didn't get to see it the first time he posted it.  And I'm just seeing it now because the J.O.B blocks the comments so I can't see them.  Hence I do my BnB catch-up on the weekend. 

That said....if I wasn't already boo'd up....hmph.

Brneyed1 said...

Of all the comments you could post, THIS is all you got?  Oh honey, woo woo woo.  Sit back, be quiet,  and pay attention, m'kay?  *pats head*

Singlelif said...

Don't even worry concern about her,  Chele.  Isn't it a good thing  that ignorance is free ?  Tianabianca1 - go somewhere and sit down.

Brneyed1 said...

1.  Safe travels David/3N/Billy D Ninja, etc, etc!   

2.  So happy for you both.  Black on Black love makes me weepy! *sniff, sniff*

3.  As for purposely dating down, that is for the lazy.

4. 3.  I got nothing on LDR, sorry!

kjnetic aka Peter Parker said...

because i don't want to be left in the corner for an extended amount of time..i'll just nod my head and say "Yes Sir". lol

Safe travels abroad.

AndreaPlaid said...

My bad. LOL

MichelleG said...

Sorry I missed the send off. Wise words have been shared. Prayers sent for safe travels and side eyes to the over eager.

Continue on bougie people!

Drea said...

Aw, that was short and sweet.  Be safe and return to Chele.  Most men who are dating up won't accept that they are because it means they have to admit that they lack some things,

Nadette said...

Can we get a collective, "awwwwwww". What I know of long distance relationships is that you have to want it and that it's WORK and that you have to want it more than whatever is putting the distance between you in the first place. Nobody likes feeling like they're playing mistress to their S/Os job. trust me on this one.
I'm all late, but safe travels, and I (of bougieland) expect all sorts of smiles and happy posts when you return

Mony_Mony said...

I'll be in China around the same time in October.  If you see a light-skinned chick with big hair (because I'm sure I'll stand out), that might just be me!

Veronica Miller said...

HOW DID I MISS THIS? AWWWWWW! :'-)

One Chele said...

We got you, Big Pimpin' - girlie got about 6 chaperones friends watching her back.

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