Facebook, which is quickly becoming the bane of my existence, was littered with armchair psychologists over the weekend who were determined to let men and women know why they don't have a woman/man and aren't going to get one.
The prevailing thoughts on this were the following:
1. You bougie folks think you are too good for a "regular" person - Please, can't someone miss me with that. This argument always (ALWAYS) dissolves into various "us" vs. "them" arguments. Class, education, body type, hair preferences, you already know the drill. I don't mind people being told to "look outside the box" for their next relationship, but don't ask me to completely change who I am to do it.
2. The perception of thirst has you shook. This is a new one, since when do thirsty people care if folks know they are parched? What's that saying? A closed mouth doesn't get fed? The squeaky wheel gets the grease? He who doesn't ask, doesn't get? Someone help me with this - are people really more worried about appearing thirsty than the thirst itself? I mean unless you are literally in the streets throwing house keys and drawers at folk, do what you gotta do (maintaining some dignity) and get yours.
3. The actuality of thirst makes you look desperate: I love when there's a complete inability to embrace nuance. There's saturated, satisfied, wishful thinking, then wistful longing, active thirst and fianlly Serengeti parchedassness. Please understand the varying degrees of thirst:
No one will mock you for a little wistful longing but parchedassness breeds desperation. And desperation isn't pretty. Do with this chart what you will. Reach one, teach one people.
4. You need to try harder. Smile more/pretty yourself up/speak first/etc: That whole thought process is an insult to smiling, pretty, speaking-first people everywhere. Not everything works for everybody. You can be the prettiest, smilingish, saying-hello-ist person in the room and still get no love. It depends on the audience, the atmosphere, and all those thousands of intangibles. Be you. Trust me. It's good enough.
5. Stop trying and it will happen: This one makes me pull my hair out just as much. The sooner people stop being all mystical and magical about relationship advice the better. The only way to be in a relationship is to meet people and hope one of those people likes you as much as you like them. That is all. Wishing on a star and sprinkling yourself with unicorn dust works for Disney characters. The rest of us just have to keep going.
I really get irritated when people act like singlehood is a fate worth than death. I need people to enjoy every stage of their life. There's nothing wrong with being single. There's nothing wrong with admitting you're lonely. There is something wrong with being so wound up in not being single, not being alone that you lose sight of everything else. I write relationship fiction, not relationship advice. In the best stories, people wise up and take a second to figure out who they are and what they want... and that's when the magic happens.
BougieLand, what irks you the most about street corner sociologists? Thoughts, comments, insights?
132 comments:
Sometimes...There just isn't anything to say.
Silence is golden, people.
OMG I hear try harder and let stop looking for it in the same conversation all the time. I am like how in the hell am I suppose to stop looking while I try harder? It's crazy. And people tell me I am thirsty because I will let a man know I am attracted to him. Um if I don't tell him how is he going to know? Telekinesis maybe? LOL, BTW I am so happy to be back reading, missed this way too much.
Peace, Love and Chocolate,
Tiffany
If you add "you're too old to still be single" to the conversation, I'd think we were talking to the same group of people. I missed the memo that there was an age limit by which one must give up singlehood. But then that may have been part of the memo that said single people are not allowed to be happy until they are no longer single and I trashed that one. Oops. My bad.
And don't get me started on the people who say "Oh you just have to find the right one" when I say I'm not looking and not interested in doing so.
This post should be bronzed. Amen.
At this point in the game, I just nod and shake my head at all the "theories" as to why I am single. It's really not that difficult. Folks who are boo'd up still have their own hang ups and nuances, so stop telling single folks to change who they are or what they want just to have someone. If I'm not happy single, I being in a relationship won't solve all my problems either. Just be glad I'm happy with myself, have some standards, live a drama free existance and keep it moving please.
Chele, thank you for making me literally laugh out loud with " Serengeti parachedassness." But what really boils my noodles, is when worry more about your business them you do. I mean seriously, is my dating (or lack of) life that interesting to you?
I agree people need to stop looking at single as some terrible fate. Everybody is not meant to be in a relationship. But I do think that many sistas really do need to smile more. Seriously that constant mean-mugging is keeping y’all from making a new friend, let alone a new mate. Lighten up y’al! Oh and #5 is just plain stupid advice. I fully agree that just wishing on a star or whatever will never get you anything.
"The only way to be in a relationship is to meet people and hope one of those people likes you as much as you like them."
That sentence there is the whole thing in a nutshell. I would modify it to say lots of people. Problem is you can't get any books/movies/magazine articles/TV appearances out of that. This whole relationship thing is about the hustle now. Until folks stop buying in, folks will keep selling.
"Hell, I didn't have a woman...until I did. and then that didn't work and I was alone again....until I wasn't. "..This.right.here!!!
My name is bp and I agree with this post. The one that I hear the most is "You are too intelligent, most Black men don't want a woman who is smarter than them." Shall we say, crickets!!!!
Uuuugh, I just need folks to mind their business and leave mine alone. At times the level of inquisitiveness borders on being condescending. Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe I'm cool like the other side of the pillow with my current status? Hmmm??? This isn't Noah's Ark, stop trying to pair folks off, ESPECIALLY when they did not request your services...
Has anyone who says that ever met a Black man? IJS
"Don't tell me how I can get or keep a (wo)man. Unless you ARE that (wo)man."
Please trademark this so I can buy some business cards and hand out at the next family reunion/wedding etc.
Its usually the ones stroking a "cat" word man during scrabble that preach this. As if I want the "prize" you caught....
Good post. I think the "thirst" mania that's taken our community by storm is really a product of people sitting behind computer screens worrying about the next man/woman. I don't see a lot of my peers that concerned in real life. For any relationship to happen, someone has to go out on a ledge and face potential rejection in order to initiate the relationship. There was an article about the "50 Most Beautiful People on the (Capitol) Hill and in one of the interviews, the guy explained how he met his wife by effectively stalking her. He kept asking her out, she kept declining. He'd even have his staffers text her when she went to the bathroom, so he could conveniently be in the hallway when she came out and strike up a conversation. Thirsty? Maybe. But also married four years strong now. Do what works for you, I guess.
"...street corner sociologists"...Bwahahaha!!!
I'm single, I'm lonely and only a man with strength from God could deal with me right now with the emotional ball of chaos that surrounds me. So I am not actively pursuing a relationship, however I will not run from the one who steps up to the plate "home run ready".
I so feel you!
"Its usually the ones stroking a "cat" word man during scrabble that preach this." DEAD!!!
Why they gotta be stroking the word though? DEAD again!
He was persistent and it worked for him. Someone in BougieLand said something like, "You being interested in me made you interesting".
This boils down to knowing your audience. She may have thought that was cute but I would have been handing out pink slips and restraining orders.
The minute Steve Harvey wrote a relationship book, it was over. If he could write a book as an expert, then that gave license to every Tom, Dick, Harry, Sheila, Angie and Diane to speak their piece too. People get a little taste of something good and swear they know everything about it when they themselves did good to get that taste.
There's also the part where people get off on having all the answers to everyone's problem. It AMAZES me how quickly folks forget their own struggle whenever the get to where they're going (in whatever aspect).
Honestly, these days, folks just don't wanna put in work for what they want. That's why that magical dust b.s. flies so well. Makes people believe that they really can just wait for the magic to happen to them too.
the word "thirst" needs to be buried alive with "swag". all of a sudden putting forth any type of effort is misconstrued as being thirsty. that gets us nowhere but just trying to look cool. and as far as relationship advice it goes in one ear and comes out the other.
AMEN. Someone told me the other day that I will never find a man because I will have 4 degrees by the time Im done with school. Miss me with that. Im single because I choose to be single. I dont just want to have someone for tonight - I want forever.
I wonder about the emotional stability of the woman who thinks that's cute, and the ethics of the man who did it until it worked. If he's willing to do this before you're in a relationship with him, when he's on his best behaviour, what will he do now that you are with him, the time you say no to him and he doesn't like it? This is the kind of man who'll not let you sleep more than ten minutes at a time if he decides he wants sex and keeping you awake till you give in is the way to get it.
What makes my teeth itch the most is these folks giving out relationship advice like the gospel who just got married 6 minutes ago to a good person or those that have 4 baby mommas and a cemetery of skeletons in the closet. The internet has given too many idiots platforms to speak and suddenly everyone is an expert. If people stopped listening they would have to eventually shut up.
A relationship takes two people and they have to be on the same page at the same time and that's not always easy to do. There will be no clap of thunder and the heavens won't part. At some point we will meet a good person and we will give all that we want to get out of the relationship and then some and so will the other person.
*puts a $20 in the collection plate* Thanks for this one, Chele!
Sadly, I have been told this by black men!!
Dead!
I am with you, I am not finding that too sexy. I like a man who understands boundaries - especially mine!
Be careful - say that outloud and you'll be labeled a "hater". They've been married four whole years - the ends justify the means no? /sarcasm
I have too. The other line that made me fall over was "too much education makes you lose your culture." If my culture depends on me being unintelligent and staying ignorant, it wasn't much of a culture to start with, was it?
Gosh, and here I am thinking that my mean-mugging is keeping another incident of street harrassment at bay. Because I shouldn't protect myself from such daily occurrences that has happened to me for 42 years (and counting) just in case I meet Mr. Right. Or Mr. Right Now. Or whoever.
Right.
--Signed,
Just Another Black Woman Trying to Make It Safely Through Her Day (and Is Seeing Someone, BTW)
LOL I meant stroking the man who throws out words such as cat during scrabble.
She broke down Six Degrees of Thirst. With an illustration.
So endeth the lesson.
Exactly. Way too many folks are concerned with appearances & therefore are sitting at home alone. At some point you have to put yourself out there, so if showing interest in someone makes one thirsty...
Caligirl I feel your pain! I think most of us are looking for someone who is really ready to step up to the plate not pretend ready.
"Wishing on a star and sprinkling yourself with unicorn dust works for Disney characters."
Dead and gone.
I have heard you need go out more, date more than one guy at time, try dating outside your race lower your standards etc. If I may say, dating in DC is like pulling tooth. LeSigh!
And of course...there's always somebody with their extra hard life/hard luck story. Just try to be happy anyway.
I also find the "stop trying" advice to be ridiculous
I also find the "Stop trying" advice to be ridiculous. The fact remains you cannot meet people by sitting in your house. So, you do have to at least put yourself in situations where you are likely to meet the person of the caliber you seek. To ignore that fact and just "do you" can put you at a tremendous disadvantage. Especially if the activities you naturally seek don't tend to be things that put you in front of men.
I initially rolled my eyes at this. The problem is that guys don't understand that what we've learned, through experience, is that smiling invites all kinds, including the ones who won't take a polite "No" for an answer. And so after time (read being worn down) you just prefer not to smile (so much), even at the risk of repelling what could be a wanted suitor....No I'm not saying that women should walk around with a full mean-mug face on all the time, but please understand that when we do (most of us) is with good reason even at the risk of missing out.
Gentlemen if you see a lovely young lady mean mugging and you know not what to say, keep walking. However if you know who you are and are not easily frightened, a simple "Smile" will usually bring her attention to the fact that she is indeed (maybe unknowingly mean mugging). If she does not respond, keep your stride. If she does respond, the ball is in your court, shoot or pass.
IMMHO
My bad, I thought you were saying "stroking the word" to mean they knew no other ones! LOL
I could go into detail about how on point all of this is but THIS!!!!
"The sooner people stop being all mystical and magical about relationship advice the better."
Omg. YES. I am happily single and not really looking. And everytime I try to explain this to people, that no, I don't have a bf, no I don't hate men, no I'm not bitter, but if it happens, it happens, they hit me with some variation of this theme. Even tho I JUST SAID I wasn't looking, I *must* just have decided to stop trying and let it happen. You know, cuz love rides up on white ponies to whisk you off to far away lands filled with unicorns and Louboutins or whatever.
I'm not just *somebody with their extra hard life/hard luck story" who should "just try to be happy." Street harrassment is nothing to be "happy" about or "smile in the face of." If my mean-mugging gets me home safely at the end of my day--perhaps at the expense of meeting Mr. Fairy Dust Prince--then I'm going to go with my safety. Evey. Blessed. Time.
Awesome stuff here Sis! Unfortunately, the armchair psychologists are running rampant and the internet is their prey ground and sadly, the people giving out unsolicited advice are the people that are struggling in the areas that they are giving advice on.
Us progressive thinkers know that people in our lives are mirrors of us and our internal clocks lets us know the time. Meaning, what we're looking for is looking of us too. In the meantime be the love that we seek and practice patience. Being single is not a death sentence, it's a time for reflection and preparation.
The Thirst illustration is THE MOST! LOL.
What sends me screaming out into the streets while pulling my hair are the well meaning friends who start every conversation with "you should find yourself a loving
partner and settle down." Though, it
makes me laugh because it's often those who are unhappy who say I should
be in a relationship.
Does this mean they are wishing bad luck on me? (Serious *side eye* action 0-O)
What I abhor is the "single people can't be HAPPY people" mind set. If I spent my time searching for
that "magical Mr. Right" I'd be missing LIFE! I'm happy just
plodding along - enjoying every day, good or bad hoping that my day
brings a smile to at least one person - even if it's wincing at one of
my jokes!!
I love being single. It's not that I'm adverse to meeting someone
at some point but I'm not actively looking and just take each day as it
comes. I didn't set out to be single, and I'm still open to meeting the "perfect person" for me. But I am pretty content with my current life. Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness.
I have recently gotten back into reading (Chele's books kick started it) and I notice so many themes between the novels I choose to read, the shows I choose to watch and the blog I love so dearly. Single don't mean sad and married or in a relationship don't mean happy. At the end of the day we are born alone, live alone and die alone so we need to do what makes us happy. Some people enjoy a lifetime of "friends with benefits relationships". Some people enjoy a lifetime of solitude, there are others who have to be someones boo, but at the end of the day not every wave rocks someones boat the same way. Let me get a little unbougie for a second and say this "What you eat don't make me s*#%". Too many people get caught in thinking that what someone else eats will make them go but that's not the case. Got to live for self, love for self and chuck deuces to what everyone else has to say. Opinions are like @$$holes, everyone has one, and most of them stink. (in my Kevin Hart voice) Do you Boo-boo, Do you.
So nice of you to have the privilege of dismissing street harassment - which is quite prevalent - as an illegitimate concern. /sarcasm
I was somewhere in between thirsty and parched. Add in pressed and determined. I called, I texted, I sent things. I was two steps and a court order away from stalking. I figured out what she wanted, when she wanted it and made sure I was the person to give it to her. (mind out of the gutter, please and thanks)
I employed the hang around, the casual encounter, the non-threatening friend strategies and I would do it all over again. It's not enough to want it, sometimes you have to go get it. If at any moment she said "No thank you" I would've fallen back. Thirst works if you find someone happy to fill your cup. (That sounds nasty but you knew what I meant)
Seems like "hardwork" has gone out the window with 1999, in so many aspects of the word. Work hard on ya job? GTFOH, Work hard with your kids, GTFOH. Work hard at a relationship, GTFOH. We have entered the 'pop & fresh', grab n' go, ready-to-order day and age. Makes me SMDH to see it destroying so much; work environments, families, and marriages because some fool thinks that goodness, and longevity should just be, but it takes work, I'm only 28 and I know this.
I admire you so much for your honesty Cali. It sucks when you want "home run ready" and "foul ball stupid" or "2nd base only" shows up.
Usually, I'd agree with you on many things, CaliGirlEd. On this one, I'm going to take a harder stance: telling a random woman on the streets to "smile" isn't a good move. Someone smiling should come out a person wanting to smile, not as a on-the-spot request/command from a random person on the streets, whether the person is say this as an opening line to "get to know the woman better" or just in an effort to "cheer the person up." For me, smiles are not for strangers' amusements/entertainments and how I want to negotiate my body--including my lips to smile--isn't for strangers to command or comment upon in such a public setting as the streets.
Bottom line: imo, it's no one's place to say to someone else to smile on the streets.
I hate the 'smile more/be nicer/be friendlier' meme with the Passion of ten thousand exploding suns. Why must I appear inviting & available to every daggone man I happen to be near? Whether or not I am interested in him, a man period, or in catching a man's attention? Trust and believe, IF you catch my eye, I will relax the mean mug. And IF I'm interested in speaking with you, I'll will say hello and smile. If you don't want the same, I'm going to go about my day with no hard feelings. But some random Y chromosome demanding I put on a happy face just cuz I am a woman; and that I be nice and genteel and acquiesce to him and every other Tre, Donte, and Hakeem EVEN WHEN I DON'T WANT TO BE APPROACHED &/OR AREN'T INTERESTED in them is the highest order of shiggity.
Teach playa! Ya can't hunt big game with a dream and a .22, pull out da big guns and get going.
Obey. Your. Thirst.
Riley out.
THIS. A hello beats a command to smile all day everyday & twice on Sunday.
That chart is life giving
Boy, I want to put you on a motivational tour with this. Let's not get us started with the folks who think "effort" consists with a few random text messages....
Refreshing to see a man who is not only willing to pursue, but also admitting a lil thirst. But I like how you recognized that if genuine interest wasn't there in return, you would have let it be. Bravo.
I was going to say, I didn't remember him stroking the letters...hahaha!
Well, I've had guys be, if not intimidated, turned off by my nerdiness. I've had another, in the midst of a disagreement, drop the whole 'don't think you're smart just because you're dropping big words" line. if a man: doesn't pay more than lip service to intellectual pursuits; isn't secure in his intellectual capacity & academic achievement; and/or secure enough in himself to be around people who are 'on a higher level' intellectually, he will not really want a smart woman, but one that's smart enough.
Please, please, please, do not encourage more men to think that it's acceptable to walk up to a perfect stranger on the street and demand that she change her body language to suit them. A) You're going to get some guy torn apart when he does that to the wrong woman on the wrong day. B) You're going to get some woman hurt because she was vulnerable enough to actually give in to that demand and the guy making it takes it as a signal that she's a good target. Men in general have problems enough understanding boundaries in this society that sees women's bodies and women's time and women's everything else as public property to be demanded of, scrutinised, criticised, and judged. If a gay man wouldn't walk up to a strange man on the street and demand a smile as a way of flirting -- and they don't, because they have more respect for other men's time and autonomy than that -- then a straight man has no business doing that to a woman either.
I was stood up by a Black man because of this. I know this because he told me. And he's a LAWYER.
And if one is "too pretty to be alone", is it therefore okay to be alone is one is not pretty?
Ugly words, those...
I am educated, intelligent, crazy, bougie, and fun. If I changed any of these to satisfy some random Knee-gro's perception of what a Black woman should be, I would be lonely, parched, and mad as Hay-ull.
I don't do random smile-bys, grinning like a ventriloquist dummy when I feel like just being - Meh. I don't try to force myself to be everyone's cheerleader because Mr. Right might be in the room, and he don't want to see no sad face. I act accordingly, treat everyone with respect, and just be me. I am happy, and my man did not get bamboozled, so he is happy.
I think the "stop trying" advice is often actually good if it's couched in the sense of stop putting pressure on every interaction to lead to something and focusing your energy on enjoying yourself and your life. But I agree, if the things you enjoy aren't good mediums for meeting like minded people, it becomes a zero sum game.
"What you eat don't make me s*#%".
Call me unbougie, because this exact phrase runs around in my head a lot.
*raises guilty pinky*
But in my defense, only when people I know best ask my opinion. One of my best girlfriends is always choosing to give time to emotional predators with the same narcissistic behavior her ex-fiancee had. I am always cordial in person and silent on the subject... until asked. The advice that I have always given her is to LIVE. Single does not mean inadequacy or death! I encourage her to take the time to enjoy her own company and then get out into the world and do things that interest her and meet new people.
NEVER would I "encourage more men to think that it's acceptable to walk up to a perfect
stranger on the street and demand that she change her body language to
suit them." I simply meant it as a "Hello" to start a conversation with someone who wasn't smiling. My regular run of the mill ladidah expression is often times mistaken as a "mean look" (which I have been told by people who know me well). So for me, "Smile" usually makes me smile/laugh because I know why they're saying it. But maybe that's just me and my non-bitter self.
Ladies I did not mean this as a command but as a pleasantry. As one who is mortified by male intimidation, demands/commands go right out the window with me! If a man is that kind of person, then even his "Hello" could be commanding you to speak to him. If that's how you want to look at it.
I was visiting friends in NYC and during dinner, one told me "Stop smiling. People will think you aren't from NYC."
What?
I hate when people tell me to enjoy being single. I hate it with every fiber of my being. Most times its the people in relationships that tell me that being single is so grand. I want to tell thme, how about you pass me your man and YOU try being single in Washington, DC in 2011 and see how well you like it..
"It sucks when you want "home run ready" and "foul ball stupid" or "2nd base only" shows up."...Girl I laughed/coughed so hard I nearly peed my pants!!! (Pretty Woman)...You are a fool for "foul ball stupid"!!! Still laughing and coughing!
*waits for the offering basket to come around*
Hey i'm a New Yorker... i hate pre-conceived notions about us... irritates me to the core.
"I didn't set out to be single, and I'm still open to meeting the "perfect person" for me." Yep!
It is refreshing to read this from a man who understands what it means to hunt with respectable boundaries!
"What you eat don't make me s*#%". You country huh? I love this!!!
I will NEVER forget the "Are you trying to date me? I already am, just waiting for you to notice." thing; and those damn purple shoes!!!...You hunter, she rabbit! Folks have it soooo twisted these days!
Class is now in session! Turn your books to page 1. Will someone please read aloud?
"I employed the hang around, the casual encounter, the non-threatening
friend strategies and I would do it all over again. It's not enough to
want it, sometimes you have to go get it. If at any moment she said "No
thank you" I would've fallen back. Thirst works if you find someone
happy to fill your cup."
Class dismissed!!!
*keels over*
"Obey. Your. Thirst. " You are the simplest yet deepest man I've ever met! (cyber met? LOL)
When people comment about my non-smiling I face, I always say that if I walked around smiling all the time people would think I was crazy! Bottomline, if a man wants to speak, he will, smiling face be damned. If he's interested he will pursue (refer to David below), smiling face be damned. A smile on my face does not mean that I will find a man, nor does it mean that I won't!
That works if she was good with it. Obviously she was so I'm not going to knock it for them. I'd rather that than the no-effort-why-don't-you-buy-ME-a-drink dudes out there.
Ha Ha Ha Hee Hee Hee
I'm from Brooklyn and I appreciate the humor in that.
Hey Cali, you know that lady left a bag of grass seeds on my porch with a note with her name and number on it...Lol!
Your smiling face is so endearing though.
I'm generally a smile/polite acknowledgement kind of southern girl, but now that I've been living in the DMV (which isn't even really hard core east coast), I recognize that there are true regional differences. What would be rude in the deep south (walking by mean mugging) is sometimes necessary here (some men don't know when to quit).
The first time some man told me to "smile" was when I was walking deep in thought on the campus of Tuskegee University. He was from the east coast and noted that one of the nice things about being at school in the south was that the women smiled.
While I don't feel a need to smile on demand (I just ignore or say "no"), I don't mind a light reminder to be pleasant. It generally encourages other random acts of kindness, and I generally don't feel my safety is at risk. Hey, it take more muscles to smile than frown, right? lol
LMAO!!! I told you!...Big O made her nervous so she spewed out some utter non-sense while she was trying to holla! Too damn funny!
I don't think Just_A_Thought1218, C Nelson, or I are necessarily "bitter" simply because we agree that we're not down with strange people telling us to smile. To re-phrase what I said, for some strange dude on the street to tell me to smile doesn't fly because, as C Nelson said, it's crossing a physical boundary in a society that sees women's bodies as public entities to comment and command at their whim and will. A stranger saying to a woman to smile--even with a smile on the face--is, in essence, telling a woman what to do with her body as if that stranger is entitled to do so. What Just_A_Thought1218, C Nelson, and I are saying is no one is entitled/has the consent to tell another stranger what to do with their bodies, especially on the streets. It's is the entitlement/lack of consent in saying "smile" that puts that particular move under the street-harrassment umbrella, as benign as the intention may be.
As for saying "hello": for me, "hello" is, by definition, a greeting. Of course, how I feel that's being said to me on the streets--because the tone of voice can have many connotations, from neutral to threatening, right along with what my intuition senses about the person saying it--will dictate my response to it. But I'd rather have someone on the street greet me directly ("hello") than to request/tell/command that I do something with my body on the streets ("smile') as a form of a greeting.
It's not just you in the sense that your neutral expression is seen as unfriendly; that's women in general and Black women in particular. But you don't have to be bitter to not want a stranger to come up and tell you to smile -- or dance, or jump, or shake your hips; I don't know why a command to move the muscles on your face a certain way is acceptable when those others are not -- just cautious and aware of how many people would like to infringe on your right to control your own body in public just like everywhere else. I am a busy person with lots of people who have legitimate claims to my time and attention; just because I'm out on the street doesn't make my primary function in life entertainment or decoration for all those other people who don't. I'm just trying to get through my day, and men who think it's okay to walk up to me and issue an order instead of offering a smile of their own and a polite hello/hi make that process harder than it has to be. I have a pubescent daughter; I don't want her having to run that gauntlet either, though I know she will. It needs to stop.
Aw Big O are you trying to make me blush!
Seriously though, an older white gentleman that I used to work with upon retiring said to me, and I paraphrase, "I loved when I would come in and see your smiling face. It brightens up the room. Keep smiling because you never know who's watching you". We barely had any interactions with each other, just basic pleasantries so I was completely blown away! So I took what he said, in the context in which I knew he meant it, and realized that my smile has purpose. (I still don't walk around smiling all the damn time though! LOL)
Oh my damn!
I wish I could punch dudes in the face when they say , "smile, Ma you too cute to be frowned up like that." STFU and GTFOH. I grew up in inner city Baltimore, where a smile is a mark for harassment or @$$ whippin', or an invitation for a up-to-no-good negro to be all up in my space. Seems like you damned if you do and damned if you don't. I smile for my friends, family and husband, anyone else can go kick rocks, barefooted in rush hour traffic. Cheey be damned.
Having Southern parents, having relatives who live "down South," and growing up in the Midwest (which was populated by a lot of Black Southerners, thanks to the Great Migration), and now liviing in NYC, I understand the regional differences because such things permeated my upbringing. However, I still developed a mean mug in the genteel Midwest--and having one is considered rude where I'm from--because it was just about the only way I was able to negotiate my safety quickly on the streets regardless of the region I went to/lived. Yes, it may take fewer muscles to smile than to frown, but it also takes far fewer muscles to frown and get home safely than to fight off some fool with the possibility of not making it home at all.
And there are other ways to encourage pleasantness in strangers than *telling them* to smile, like smiling yourself and nodding in passing. ::shrug::
I agree
there's a fine line between persistence and stalking. She has to KNOW you're interested in some capacity. And many a brother has found a woman he was gently pursuing scooped up by a brother that may have be a tad thirsty.
Question: when you hear about Pres O and Michelle, would he have been perceived as thirsty. I think so. But in the end...he WON.
Could it be any worse than being single in Dallas, TX. BTW i'm taking applications :) ***swigs Gatorade like Napoleon Dynamite**
Uh, Chele is my cousin, I live in Baltimore, a spits throw from Virginia, and all my family is country as all get out so call me a little bit country, a little bit bougie, a little bit hood and a little bit rock-n-roll. ;0)
I don't know CPR Cali, I'm sorry. LOL
"...a spits throw from Virginia"! Bwahahaha!!! You are killing me today! I.love.country.talk!
In rush hour traffic though? LMAO!!!
Hmph!!!
Being single when you don't want to be sucks. But what sucks more? Being told how NOT to be single by people who suck worse than you do at coupling up. Grandpop Kendall saying: Don't worry about my backyard until you pull the weeds out of yours.
Chuch!
::record scratch::
Say WHAT? Alas, as the wise heads would say, "A fool with a degree is still a fool."
Sorry about that, J B.
"I'm an only child. I know how to entertain myself and am perfectly fine being "alone."---Girl, some people don't understand this! Only child does not always equal lonely. (I have that copyrighted for my family.)
"You know, cuz love rides up on white ponies to whisk you off to far away lands filled with unicorns and Louboutins or whatever."---Dead!
"I will NEVER forget the "Are you trying to date me? I already am, just waiting for you to notice." thing; and those damn purple shoes!!!.."<---I know right! Never forgot got that line!
I just had this talk with my Dad this weekend about the frustration with folks and this whole singleness thing and why are so happy when you don't have a man speech. Like a previous poster said, I never intended to still be single at this age but hey it is what it is. In the meantime I'm enjoying and living my life and pursuing my passions. My time will come when it comes
Do you have brothers?
Or cousin? 3rd cousin, maybe?
Thirsty does not equal creepy and there is a huge difference between thirsty pursuit and stalking/creepy behavior. There is nothing wrong with a man being thirsty if he wants me because I want to be pursued not stalked! If I start to feel creeped out and unsafe by a man's behavior, my interest will diminish. The situation Brandy St. Randy described below would have creeped me out but David's behavior would have piqued my interest.
Grandpop Kendall is right up there with Grandpa Martin, Wisemen!
I have not been told this but I have literally seen the light dim in some the eyes of some men when they discover I am a lawyer. Now a man that is totally secure in himself will not be bothered but it happens pretty often. Even though I know it is about their own insecurities, it is still annoying.
this morning, i saw this post and had to keep it moving., but thank you for addressing this.
this was every point i wanted to make-- seriously, the last time i tried to have one of those intentional smile-as-i-walk-to-work days, some brother who was obviously not completely there, mentally, tried to hug me with nary a word less than one minute into that walk.
i'm just trying to keep the insanity at bay and handle mine.
"When people comment about my non-smiling I face, I always say that if I
walked around smiling all the time people would think I was crazy"
THIS!!
I always tell guys who ask me to smile to tell me something funny.
Simpy put... Men lack the knowledge to get the women they want... & women seem to think they are more than what they are...
Other than that, people are single because they want to be...Conscious or subconscious
I don't know all that much cause I've only been married 11 months and was single for 36.9875 years but I'ma drop this off and see myself out: http://theunemployedbride.wordpress.com/2011/07/31/obey-your-thirst/
In the meantime, do you and do it well.
Wow. I can't find a single statement that you shared that I agree with and am not a little offended by. But hey - thanks for sharing.
Wow. I can't find a single statement that you shared that I agree with
and am not a little offended by. But hey - thanks for sharing.
Get it, David!
Love that post! However I'm dead at 36.9875 years, so if you're reading this comment, then my ghost wrote it!
Great, relevant post!
Maybe its time to extend the bougie man code to 'the streets' some men out here have lost their minds.
when phrases like: ohh 'she the educated type' from educated men are being flung as insults at women, we have to get you guys to call an intervention with the men folk.
yeah because he wore the heck out of her down and wouldn't back off.
He got what he wanted, did she?.
This is not a good story.
all day, everyday, twice on sundays.
Riley..
Don.
You are very, very welcome, bkbisous.
True story, men are generaly ignorant about the deeper aspect of getting & securing a woman...
& women overplay their hands, especially women over 30... most of think they deserve the Idris Elba's & Denzel's of the world...
I can cure men with knowledge... But women, you cannot cure delusion & entitlement
So am I, and I do too !
Jay Z...
Lincoln freed all of us, and I absolutely refuse to walk around "cheesin'" like I'm happy to be living in the big house on the plantation. Still, I greet most with a smile and a greeting', while giving both good eye contact and good "face". Does that make me thirsty ? No...it makes me open to the possibilities.
I date alot. I've been stalked, (got the restraining order to prove it), mauled, pursued, sent gifts, and all all that. Yet, I am still optimistic about meeting the one person I really like, and who likes me enough that I'd want to continue to see him once I get past the representative that he showed up with.
It's hard out here for a pimp-ette (just jokes).
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