I was enjoying dinner with a girlfriend Saturday night when her phone started blowing up. Her man wanted to know where she was, who she was with and what she was doing. Now these are grown-azz folks over the age of 50. This dude was checking on her like she was a fast 20 year old let loose in the football dorm after curfew. It got to the point where she handed me the phone and asked me to tell him who I was and that I'd just asked her to dinner at the spur of the moment. After looking at her like she was crazy, I snatched the phone and said into it, "You're joking with this, right? You aren't seriously asking a grown woman where she is at 7:00 on a Saturday night?"
**Click** He hung up. She said he just moved forty minutes away and had been crazy possessive since then. And since some of you are mad dramatical, no - he's not abusing her, she not being stalked, he's a lonely guy who finally landed a woman for the first time in five years and is clinging way too tight. Ugh. Clingy, needy, insecure. Three of my least favorite things in the world.
On the other side of the scale, I'd been gone all damn day and I got one text from 3N - "Have fun, call me later." Sure, there are times when we're texting/tweeting/calling back and forth but usually it's to find out why I'm late finalize plans, chat, or laugh about something on TV. If either one of us called the other asking "Where are you and what are you doing?" something crazy would have to be going on.
Personally, the only time I ever felt the need to consistently text/call/drop by on someone to figure out what they were doing - I was trying to catch him cheating. That's no way to live. Won't go back there and wouldn't put up with it from someone. Not at this point in life.
So let me ask you - What do you do with the clingy and paranoid? Where do you draw the line between checking in and keeping tabs? One call a day? Two texts when you're apart? Do tell...
101 comments:
Personally, it would be hard for me to deal with the clingy and insecure. Within a relationship, If we didnt wake up together, a "good morning" phone call/text once either of us arrived at our workplace is enough for me. I also consider reaching out to touch base at some point before the day ends as normal and acceptable behavior. I'm thinking we should set the pace of what is "normal" for us, but I can't do clingy, and possessive "checking in and suspicious behavior". Been there, done that. #NoBueno.
"Grown grown" people should be secure enough with themselves and their mate not to check in with the every nanosecond, there may be a deeper underlying issue as to why he may be calling her like that
Checking in for me is a quick text/call/ some form of contact where information is passed whether it's just a random thought, something funny, something that just happened or even a "Hi. I was thinking of you." Contacting me in ANY form more than once or twice a day just to ask me where I'm at, who I'm with, and what we doing is keeping tabs. If you do it more than once or twice within an hour or two and it's not because there's a GREAT surprise waiting on me at the house than we have a problem.
I absolutely cannot do clingy. I need space. I have a full life & I don't have the time to sit up under my man - and even if I did, I wouldn't want to. You need space & time to miss each other & I can't do that if my phone is ringing every 15 minutes & its him looking for me. Clingy dudes get no love from me.
I absolutely can't do clingy, needy or insecure which are all symptomatic of low self-esteem. I screen for this foolishness early as I can't afford to get involved with men like this at this point in my life.
I think couples should decide what checking in will entail. I also think that most healthy functioning individuals know the line between checking in and keeping tabs. It's men like your girl's boyfriend who don't know better.
I don't do well with people always checking in on me, growing up my mom trusted me and gave me a lot of freedom; I got with someone that respected this freedom.
I don't keep tabs on the spouse, that's so much wasted energy. Trust in your relationships goes a long way.
My grandfather's what would now be called "the-jumpoff/side chick" gave me advice when I got married, "Men don't always like women keeping tabs on them." Followed this advice and it's worked for me.
Nah...clingy and paranoid is a major deal breaker! All I get from the hubs is a "have fun, luv ya." Thats both our MOs...I dont track his every move either. It's about trust. People can cheat even if they check in regularly. I have a life and so does hubs, besides each other. When one is away it actually gives the other some breathing room to just do you, so why waste that opportunity to spend your time keeping tabs?
One or two texts/call combos in the span of 4+ hours that aren't demanding questions...That's no biggy. Anything more frequent and more demanding & questioning, then we're gonna have problems.
If, after I've asked her to relax and understand that she doesn't need to check up on me super frequently, she continues to do so ad nauseum, she gets cut.
I usually help myself out every now and then by dropping her an update text if something spontaneous pops up. This is done out of consideration for her if we spend a lot of time together, so that she's not blindsided by my noticeable absence.
Ditto!
I can't with the clingy, needy, possessive... just can't. Every overly clingy and possessive dude may not be an abuser, but every abuser is overly clingy and possessive, so that behavior just sets off my radar and I start looking out for signs to see if dude is emotionally manipulative and/or headed down the road to escalating to physical abuse.
Possessive men get the immediate drop kick. Yes, I want my man to be protective of me and I want to "belong" to him in a way, but if he's figuratively pissing on me all the dang old time like I'm a fixture in his territory, he will get dropped. Clingy may be a little easier to fix. They get a warning, then a second warning, and then they get cut if they persist in that foolishness.
I think every person and situation is different, but you have to draw the line between keeping tabs and keeping in touch by comfort level and appropriateness. Multiple calls within a short time span, and the caller doesn't believe or trust the information given to them by the called? That's keeping tabs and grounds for dismissal. A few (key word ---> FEW) texts throughout the night to make sure I'm safe if I'm going somewhere alone? That's keeping in touch. Calling to find out the minutiae of my day, even after it's clear nothing has happened between the last call/text, and especially after I've told you I'm busy? Keeping tabs and being a pain.
I don't like clingy and paranoid nor interrogations of my daily activities. A quick good morning & have a nice day, midday chat/text/DM/IM , an evening/night talk, and I'm good. And this is all when and if time allows. Some days, it's just not going to happen! Simple as that!...
I think if you maintain a good balance and open communication, it's ok when those days occur where a good morning and a good night is all you get.
I had a girlfriend like that once. Keyword in that last sentence? Had
When a man plays me too close I have to disappear. I need my space.
I do my dude diligence and check in and whatnot so Mr. Max doesn't think I've dropped off the face of the earth, so there is no need for anyone to be watching my movements that closely.
I can't, I can't, I cannot with that.
I like the ability to trust within a relationship. It is a necessity for me to be IN a relationship.
I have never been into the clingy and paranoid from myself or the other person because those behaviors automatically trigger a need in me to cut myself off and just shut down everything. When I was 24 I acted da fool to try and catch him cheating because I knew I wasn't crazy??? I caught a glimpse of myself in my rear view mirror (looking crazy) after I had made the second circle around the block and I was done with that type of behavior FOREVER .
At grown folks age I feel there is no excuse or reason to tolerate that type of behavior. Newbies may falter but grown folks should know better.
My grandfather's what would now be called "the-jumpoff/side chick" gave
me advice when I got married, "Men don't always like women keeping tabs
on them....you don't need to know where he is at all times..."
Pause.
I mean, I do agree with her, but some how her words of wisdom seem self serving.
Maybe this is why it took him 5 years to find a woman? #redflag
My boyfriend and I dated a year long-distance before we ended up in the same city, so clingy is definitely not for me. And it's not like it works: married people get cheated on by the person on the other side of the bed all the time; what does he think he can do from 40 minutes away?
I'm also the type to have my phone somewhere at the bottom of my purse most times, so anyone who thinks not answering my phone is an indicator of wrongdoing needs to gone somewhere.
What do you do with the clingy and paranoid? Umm, I don't do clingy or paranoid.
Where do you draw the line between checking in and keeping tabs? Trust is key. As long as you are where you say you are and I trust you to be truthful, then one text/call is sufficient. I don't babysit grown folks.However, I have to give dude the side-eye for landing a chick for the first time in five years. That is a red flag in my book unless he has a VALID reason. IJS....
That about sums it up.
I don't do clingy either or insecure. Insecurity is a *tich! I had a guy tell me recently "i can't believe YOU are talking to ME"... da hell? I shook that off quick and in a hurry. It all boils down to once again working on yourself before you link up with someone else.
What is all the checking in about? You good? Yes. I'm good? Yes. See you later? Yes. DONE.
Hopefully, this is just a sign of "I just moved and haven't started new hobbies, new church, made new friends yet" -itis. He's probably afraid that she'll just be having a grand ol' time with her regular life, and he hasn't adjusted yet.
The problem at this juncture is that old girl is entertaining it. She has to lay out the "dude, I get that we're separated, but this calling 50 11 times isn't gonna work." Once she does that give him a minute to sort himself out and this relationship may work out.
If he's still calling like crazy after that then *deuces*. Oh and if he missed his boo so much on the weekend why didn't he drive down to see her?
The one woman was always wanting to Skype all hours of day and night. Not to be sexy, to see if anybody was with me. No ma'am.
#thirstkills #jealousthirstkillsfaster
If Imma cheat, Imma cheat. No matter how times ya needy azz call and text. Now I gotta do it faster so I can text back and tell ya to get some bidness.
Gross. No country for you acting like I'm your child instead of your woman. It's not my job to make you trsut me. And I'm dang for sure not about to put my girl on the phone so she can vouch for me. As if! This cat is far too old to be acting like this, and it's super unattractive. To me. A "Hey baby, I'm thinking about you. Talk to you later" text would suffice in this instance--and maybe even get me back to you a little faster.
All that said, I don't do check ins. I do common courtesy.
Aye... don't discount what the clean-up woman has to say! *turns up Ipod.
EXACTLY !!
I can't with Cap Daddy still tryna put somebody on lock
No sir. You that worried about it? Come see about me. Or not.
Keep it moving.
My ex used to do that "Who you wit" call? He's not my ex
"... he wanna know where you are, where you be, where u going, where you stay, where you subject to be...don’t sound too good, it sound tainted to me," Courtesy of Slum Village
Possessive and insecurity should be No Country for Old Men (see what I did here?) A better question is--What is she lacking within to make her put up with that bull crap?
The clean up woman is a woman who gets all the man's love you leave behind....The reason I know so much about her is because she picked up a man of mine.
That's a cold song!!!
#thirstkills #jealousthirstkillsfaster ...And there you have it!
Let's keep it real, if the jump off/side piece is cool, you can call/text back your SO after the down stroke (marinate there), and then resume said strokin. IJS
In my experience, when a man becomes (not was from the beginning) clingy and paranoid, it's because of what he's doing when you're not around.
Keeping tabs on somebody is a quick and easy way to chase them away. See how fast somebody you want to get rid of will run like Amistad hollering "Give me free!" if you try to hem them up and take away their freedom. Not a good look on a mature, confident, awesome adult.
Cali! After the down stroke? You have just been too 'grown' lately...LOL
My laugh for the day is now complete...
I will let Mint Condition and Keli Price say it for me...
http://youtu.be/lGl-wpug1tU
Like you said, the only time I felt the need to know where someone was 24/7 - was when I already had an idea of where she was. Life is too short.
Eh, i haven't really had to deal with clingy too much. Every now and again it may rear its head but for the most part, no one i've been dating and relating has given me much trouble. I don't think that there is a daily numerical limit to how many times one should call their S/O but i also don't think its necessary to be tracking their every move.
However, i have had a "friend" or 2 that would just call incessantly for no damn reason. To me, that is just as bad as people who call every 5 minutes to ask where u are, what ur doing, who ur with, etc
Ah yes...Seems like only yesterday I fled the State of Maryland to escape clingy/crazy man. No more clingy, crazy, insecure men for me. He'd text first and if I hadn't replied within 5 minutes (or less) he'd call. If I didn't answer the phone, his voice mail would be "Baby, call me back oh and where are you?". Second call (less than 5 minutes later) he was yelling in the phone. Guess my first red flag was the day he hung up on me because I decided to go visit my GAY best friend to meet his new BOYFRIEND, Huh?
No bandwidth for unjustifiable insecurity.......
Now see I'm with you Jay on this one
Dangit, big brother is watching! I'm just sayin GAM, it don't matter how much you "check in", if it's going to get done, it is!....Ok, I'll watch my manners! *snickers*
In my experience, when someone is constantly checking to see what you've got going on it's because they are deflecting your attention from what they've got going on.
Ha!!!
So I'm in agreement with everybody about being clingy is not the business. It used to drive me nuts with that my former roommate would talk all day on the phone with her beau and then spend all this time with him over at our house even though he had his own house. I would always wonder how in the world she found the time. We were in the same graduate program so I know she had a crazy workload. I wanted to tell her to put the d*%k down and concentrate a little. Trust me, it would still be there. Needless to say, I'm glad I have my personal space back!
You overbearing mother sounds like mine. And I treated her just like I do ANYBODY who has to call and check up on me that much. Radio. Silence.
I'm too old. I don't even wanna talk to me that much.
Cali, Betty Wright said be on the lookout for er'body LOL! The "clean-up woman", "the secretary", "the baby-sitter"... Perhaps she should've just got a new man! ; )
I hate checking in. Hate it. More than I hate almost anything. I hate even the appearance of checking in. I hate everything checking in adjacent or designer imposter checking in.
Hate.
That being said, I think there’s a HUGE difference between “Hi, are you safe? How was your day? This funny thing happened and I knew you would appreciate it,” and “Where are you? Who you wit? Where y’all goin’? When you leave? When you comin’ back?”I’ll be late for that.
I’ve dated people that I vibe so well with that we can talk all day and not tire of each other. All manner of texts and gchats and picture messages and whatnot. And there are some people I only need to touch base with once or twice a day. Whatever tone we set for us is cool. But CSI-ing all my moves? No bueno.
I don’t do anything with the clingy and paranoid, but invite them to use the exits at the rear and front of the cabin and over the wings. #yougottago
Gotta.Go.
Do I have to bring out my Thirsty not Sexy T-shirt collection again?
Natasha if I have to do all that lookin out, they can all have him! LOL
Oh yeah and STOP trying to FaceTime with me.. LOL
I ain't doing all that and maybe that's how I lost my husband but, whatever. No amount of my calling and all that is going to keep somebody from doing what they want to do.
And on that note, I leave y'all with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55NUqrrBccw
Yes!
Girrrrrrrrrllll, she is an interesting woman.
However, let me just say if I followed some of what my mom displayed I would be divorced.
I totally understand your pause because when she said it I gave her the side-eye, like really. But like I said it's been the best advice.
Now imagine, if you will, that you are in a relationship with someone who works at the same hospital that you do. Your schedule is posted. You are there 16 - 18 hours a day. And this person is STILL texting you every five minutes asking you what's up? Then when you don't answer, they track you down.
Why didn't you text me back?
Sorry, thought I'd revive the coding patient on the table first.
But what about now?
You know what? We're done.
Am I too clingy?
Saran Wrap has nothing on you.
First sign of needy, I'm backpedaling. Quickly.
Chele - I need a t-shirt:
"let a Bougie B*tch breathe"
Please and thank you.
Ladies, whatcha y'all know about Betty!
I know about the phone at the bottom of your purse...and also forgetting to turn your phone back on or from vibrate after a meeting...I have missed many a call due to that.
The down stroke, wow girl just wow. ;-)
Mine too!
You are all in the music today! Great references. :-)
"I hate everything checking in adjacent or designer imposter checking in."<---DEAD
"That being said, I think there’s a HUGE difference between “Hi, are you safe? How was your day? This funny thing happened and I knew you would appreciate it,” and “Where are you? Who you wit? Where y’all goin’? When you leave? When you comin’ back?”I’ll be late for that." <--FTW!!!
I hate when my dad keeps tabs on me, and I'm a bonafide daddy's girl. So if a dude I'm just keeping around as company is keeping tabs, he's gonna get his feelings hurt REAL quick. REEEEEALLY quick.
Mind you, this is a complete 180 from where I was, oh, eight years ago. If I didn't hear from my boyfriend-at-the-time at least once a day, I was going mad. Glad I got a life and got over it. REALLY glad. (*praise break*) But I think I may have over-corrected, because now when I'm involved with a guy, I can go a week without picking up the phone, and I end up hearing, "Where you been? You can't call anyone?" *shrug* Still trying to find a happy medium.
Addendum: Gchat makes it super easy for people to know where you are for most of the day. Lol. So if a guy and I are Gchat buddies, the whole "checking-in" becomes a non-issue... until someone pops up as "Unavailable." Ha.
Dead!
"Why didn't you text me back? Sorry, thought I'd revive the coding patient on the table first." DEAD!!!
"Am I too clingy? Saran Wrap has nothing on you. " DEAD again!!!
http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnestp5Vep1qldlvxo1_1280.png?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ6IHWSU3BX3X7X3Q&Expires=1314294893&Signature=QKiYLFEQ2rcN9omd6m%2FcCHc77kY%3D
Totally random, but why does that pic look like a poor man's version of Lebron and Savannah? LOL
Oooo, no you didn't! HA!
Okay! I thought LeBron or R. Kelly with those braids and tie!
Let me praise dance with you because when I left for college, I was required to "check in" with my mother once a day and my father twice a week. If that did not happen, BougieDad was all up in the dorm with the "Where's my daughter?" flow.
So my first few little relationships, I thought I was supposed to tell somebody where I was, what I was doing and why. Yeah... I've outgrown all of that. Amen
um....
Denial, Deflection, & Misdirection <~~ Cheater's Handbook chapter 17, right?
Oh no... this reads like a promo for just every show in Discovery ID.
One more for the Been There-Done That-Not Going Back Club
Preach on it.
You know I'm always down for an Amistad reference.
#NowPlaying
Excellent question
How did you get a copy of the Handbook? It's like the Book of the Dead, only certain people are allowed to read from it.
How did you get a copy of the Handbook? It's like the Book of the Dead, only certain people are allowed to read from it.
Clingy makes me so ridiculously uncomfortable. I actually think I need to work on that in counseling... it's indicative of a larger problem. Seriously. But that being said, I still need my space. I'm an only child, I've been groomed to like doing things alone and so if you try to take that away from me completely I will freak and freak out bad. I feel like 2 people who spend a lot of time together ought to want to spend some time a part, even if it's just an hour...
Just the other night I had dinner with 2 friends. One of whom who's boyfriend was out with his friends (which was partly why we had scheduled the dinner). As soon as his boy's night was over, he called her up and proceeded to have a too long conversation with her as if he didn't know where she was or who she was with (which she reiterated several times in the conversation). Not too long after he showed up at our table. Not a good look and definitely crossing several lines.
I'm ok with a few texts to check in, but if you know I'm out with my people don't blow up my phone for no reason and don't try to hold a convo with me. That's rude.
Oh, God. I have to admit, I get squirmy and evasive when the fiance insists I take my phone with me when I go out, and he's halfway around the world and doesn't expect to call/be called every 5 minutes. Nor does he really care where I've gone or who I'm hanging out with, he just wants to know when I've left and arrived home so he knows if I'm seriously late and something's wrong. (There may be a surfeit of American crime TV dramas at fault.) I admit, it's sweet and it beats having to call the ambulance myself the way I did when I got mugged yea many years ago, but at the same time ... my parents don't even keep track of my whereabouts, and haven't since I was in high school, so it's hard to feel like I should keep him in the loop.
"Not too long after he showed up at our table." Oh my damn!
Prolly too damn much Mykeia,
hummin' and shoulder shruggin' ..."tonight is the night, that you- make me a woman" LOL
A ninja shows up like this at y'all's dinner, I would proceed to slap my bill in his hand and keep it moving, since he seems so hell-bent on joining us...
Dead at the fact that you actually have a t-shirt!!
Me two!
And that right there is why I don't date where I work - way too much access, I need some space & room to breath.
YYou said you'd be gentle with me and I hope you will. Ummm. I nervous and I'm trembling waiting for you to walk in. I'm trying hard to relax but I just can't keep still. No.
Girl, stop!
My best friend's mom used to play the hell and I do mean the hell out of "No Pain, No Gain." That is still our jam!
"I'm an only child, I've been groomed to like doing things alone and so if you try to take that away from me completely I will freak and freak out bad." <-----Co-sign. I hear you, when you are an only child you learn to love your peace and quiet and time to yourself, without it I get IRRITABLE.
I was always a loner, even with nine siblings.
she did..... talking bout Paaaain to joy. Unspeakable joy :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDSJTcywICM
Exactly. And he doesnt need to know where I am at all times..
50? Hell.to.the.no.
"What do you do with the clingy and paranoid?"
don't date 'em.
"Where do you draw the line between checking in and keeping tabs?"
i think that checking in, is a call to say hey, what's up....a keepin' tabs is a call where you feel like you're on the stand in court.
The boyfriend showing up at the table was just rude, and your friend needs to be checked on that. If it's a girls night out, then that's what it is. That just messes the groove all up and stops the conversational flow. I would have been wrapping that evening up like Dave Chappelle so damn quick.
That whole scenario is just sad and as a man, old dude should just be embarrassed. Sane people don't act like that. Tell your girl to be careful!
Be a cook in the kitchen a lady in the streets. You can't show your teeth to every guy you meet. It's alright to be little sweet, but be a mama to the kids and you what in the sheets! No pain, no gain. LOL!
YES ma'am it really goes... The first time I was looking at the phone while he was yelling like.."FA REAL"? Puzzling cause he was OH SO FOIN and the Cocoa was......Oh yeah THATS why I stayed with him as long as I did... ROFLMAO..
Exactly! He's either cheatin or crazy. Or both!
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