Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Bougie Bachelorette Chronicles - Episode 13: Well you see, Officer

It's just fitting that this is the 13th Bougie Bachelorette Chronicle because this whole situation was just bad luck all the way around. 

What had happened was...I had a crazy grueling day. This little consulting gig has me slaving like Kunte, Kizzy and Chicken George. Yes, I'm doing the work of three runaway slaves right about now. This was the kind of day where I put a conditioning mask on my hair at 11:00 am and didn't rinse it out until 10:00 pm. Can you say extra fluffy? Anywho, my plan was to wrap a towel around my head and lay under the ceiling fan with a cocktail until I drifted into never never land.

Someone, I'm not naming names, decided that Adult Quality Time (AQT) was necessary and urgent. Seems like his entire family has decided to descend on the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex for the holiday weekend. That's just like meeting up in Napa for the weekend, right? O__o

Fine. I threw on some yoga pants, a sports bra, a tank top and sparkly flip flops. The hair was still damp and hadn't decided whether it wanted to be curly, frizzy or straight. Because my mother drilled it into me, I did stop and put on lipstick and earrings (a real lady never leaves the house without them apparently - bouge rules, I don't know). I was half fancy and half ratchet. Don't hate me for my glamorous life. 

On the way there he called and asked me to stop at Walgreen's for a few things. I'll let you imagine what was so urgent that I had to stop at the 24-hour drugstore and shop on my way to his house. I was literally two miles from his house when my cell phone rang, a friend of mine from back in the day who lives overseas and is back in the States for a few days only. So I was chatting and not paying attention when I saw something flitting around in the backseat. The Hell?

Now if you've been around BougieLand and Twitter for a minute, you know I hate bugs with a passion bordering on pathological. (Shout out to @DallasProgress who helped me with a cricket struggle a while back)   Back to the critter at hand... I didn't know what the hell kind of flying, clicking insect it was except to describe it as big, black and hyper. So I shrieked when it looked like it was going to jump on me. I flung the cell phone to the ground and swerved over to the side of the road where I jumped out of the car and ran around flinging all the doors open. 

I opened the trunk where I had some Febreze and commenced to spraying down the interior of my car with the savvy plan of drowning the beast. Well, now the insect was just plain mad and a little high on Hawaiian Aloha Febreze. It was just flying around in angry circles never approaching an exit. I took off a flip flop and tried to hit it... and that's when the flashing lights pulled up behind me. 

Two of Allen's finest climb out of the car not even bothering to hide their laughter. Apparently they had been watching me for a while. I mean, they were doubled over, roaring with laughter at my expense. I wanted to be mad but I had to keep an eye on the critter to make sure he left.

"Ma'am, you do realize that by having all your doors open and a car smelling like mangoes you are actually attracting more insects?"

I started slamming doors. One of the cops reached into the car, cupped the insect and set it free while the other stopped beside me. He took the Febreze out of my hand, "Michele, how are you doing?" I looked up.

Dammit - are there NO other officers in all of freakin' Allen, Texas? No? I have to keep running into the one cop (nicknamed Sergeant McHottie) that I went to high school and college with? If you missed the whole Sergeant McHottie tale, feel free to catch up.

"I'm just... peachy. How have you been?"

"Good, good. You did something different with your hair."

Damn. Damn. Damn. "Uh, you could say that."

"You still have a bug thing?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Eleventh grade, study hall - two wasps fly in from the window and you ran screaming into the hallway?"

Quintuple damn. "Of all the things to remember." 

He walked over to the car, looked at the spilled contents of the Walgreen's bag and looked back at me. "Are you still seeing that guy?"

Shoot me, someone. Anyone. "No."

"No?"

"No. Different guy."

"Hmm. Well, let's wipe down your seats and get you on your way."

"Thanks!" By now, my cell phone was blowing up. The friend was worried that I'd been killed on the side of the road, 3N wondered where I got lost. I grabbed the Walgreen's stuff, shoved it all in my purse and stepped back while they dried off my car seats.. and ceiling... and gear shift... and windows. 

"We have to met up under better circumstances." He laughed and gave me his card (again). "Don't be a stranger."

I climbed in the car and drove the rest of the way to 3N's house with a police car tailing me. 3N was standing out on the front patio when I pulled up. I climbed out and waved as they flashed their lights and drove past. 3N shook his head. "Do I even want to know?"

"Shut it." I stalked past him with my head held high. Then I told him the tale and he literally fell off the couch laughing. Boo.

Here endeth another utterly ridiculous event in my life. I can't be the only one that stuff like this happens to. I mean, c'mon - you all would have pulled over to get rid of the bug, right? We've all made a late night stop at the drugstore, right? We've all been pulled over by the police, right? We've all run into people we know from back in the day, right? It was the conflagration of coinciding events though.... whatever. Someone have a story, a thought, a comment to share?

126 comments:

MCYBW said...

 I had a thought on this, but I lost it when I died laughing.

Natasha said...

Sergeant McHottie is not slick, he wanted to see who this dude was or at least where he lived for himself.. WE See You Sir.

Sarah said...

This is really funny. I'm sorry for your embarrassment, but I'm going to be chuckling about this all day :-)

sol_dier said...

lol. This is hilarious!. 
My battle with bugs is one of the key battles of my life. I prep for it, like I prep for war. 
I refuse to admit any fear of them, because I am constantly re-iterating my mantra..
'Its just a bug, you are stronger than this, you are a strong black woman' 
and then I slowly back away, whilst saying 'yeah, I'm letting you live today... tomorrow its war!'.

Then, I run. 

Nikki said...

Lol and yes I have pulled over to debug my car a time or two.  I don't like any kind of bug and flying ones are the worst.

MsJamie14 said...

Well, now the insect was just plain mad and a little high on Hawaiian Aloha Febreze.

Can. not. breathe!!!!!!!!!!! BWA HA HA HA HA!!!!

No worries, it's all Billy Dee Ninja's fault! *wink*

MsJamie14 said...

I'm not naming names, decided that Adult Quality Time (AQT) was necessary and urgent.On the way there he called and asked me to stop at Walgreen's for a few things. I'll let you imagine what was so urgent that I had to stop at the 24-hour drugstore and shop on my way to his house.

Ooh, game time! LOL. Let's play...guess what's in that bag! LOL

GrownAzzMan said...

Only you Chele, only you....CTFU!

GrownAzzMan said...

"Ooh, game time! LOL. Let's play...guess what's in that bag! LOL"

Twiter? Taboo?

bashowell said...

I hope no one walks into my office.  DEAD.

Marioned said...

I have a major bug phobia!!!!  One time while driving a large bumble bee flew into my car while at a stop light.  I jumped out and the car start rolling .  (Did I mentioned it was a  manual 6 speed  stick shift!) I  almost hit another car.  Another time long ago, I slept in the livingroom when at night a large moth came into my bedroom.  I couldn't get him out then he hid.  I just locked the bedroom door and slept on the couch!

blackprofessor said...

This is hilarious and I share the bug aversion especially with these Southern bugs!!

Officer McHottie is still not slick, wanting to see where 3N lives so he could run a background check, SMH! 

rozb said...

Ultimate slick move!

DCbywayofCali said...

1)  Nosy Ninja! Clearly whatever was in the bag meant you were seeing someone that evening. Old guy, new guy, some guy.  Mind ya business dude!

2) Round here we have snow, so we all have a scraper in the car, which is usually long handled and great for swatting bugs if necessary.

rozb said...

Strawberry jam and Hershey's chocolate syrup? Y'know - for sundaes? *wide-eyed and innocent*

md_KG said...

YES!!! I was wondering why he had to tail you all the way to 3N's house!! (especially when he had already given you his card)....Can someone sing the #TapBack chorus with me now??....LOL.

rozb said...

If there is a hint of a wasp or a hornet I stay hermetically sealed inside.

Earthangel172 said...

Yes I would have pulled over in a heartbeat if ANY bug was in my car...Call me whatcha want but I don't do bugs! LOL

Nothing wrong with a late night run to Walgreens but why does it seem like you see e'rbody and they mama when you're looking a little busted? I hate that with a passion so I try to make sure I'm looking "presentable" before leaving the house because you never know who you are going to see.

::runs to read about Sgt. McHottie::

C Nelson said...

I hate bugs. Unfortunately for them, it's the kind of hate that keeps a can of Raid near my elbow 90% of my waking hours just in case, and not the kind that sends me off screaming. I may be scared, but they wind up dead. I figure that puts me ahead. As for the rest, all I have to say is, 3N had better make sure that AQT is spectacular, to make it worth that trip.  ;)

Earthangel172 said...

"I looked down just a a mouse ran across the top of my foot and I hit a note not even Mariah Carey can hit!"

LMAO!!! Oooo chile I would have died. Y'all would be at my wake telling everybody how my scary tail died.

Earthangel172 said...

Ditto.

Lady4Real said...

LMAO,ROTFL,LLS,OMG..I swear BougieCuz you are too much. I really needed this, my stomach hurts, my allergies are kicking my butt and I am looking for a new gig. TGFB...THANK GOD FOR BOUGIELAND.

Lady4Real said...

a mouse running across your foot is not cool, but what is worse is a rat trampling across your foot, now that is dead on site action right there. Got to love the inner city, that's why I moved.

Lady4Real said...

'Tis the season for tapback, watch out Chele.

rozb said...

Girl - a rat is death-worthy! In the country we just have the field mice and "woodsy" rodents - the kind they make cartoons out of. But the city - they make horror movies out of those!

MichelleG said...

LMAO!! Sorry Chele its just you. I'm from Brooklyn. Look for the picture making its way around the innanets last week of the rat found in Marcy Projects. You can't run from mess like that in in the subway screaming like a girl.

I'm not mad at Sgt McHottie following Chele home. If bugs posse did a drive by in retaliation for the spray down Chele could have had a serious accident. You have to channel your inner Chuck Norris and take a bug down hard so the rest say "that chick is crazy" and bugg off to bite/bother the next person.

michaeldavis said...

Stories like this make me glad I don't live in the same city in which I grew up.Thanks for the shout; I share it with all brothers who have been called by a lady friend to drive 20 miles for the sole purpose of killing an insect.  :)     and clicking on that old link (which was a year ago)?  Compared to twelve months ago, you're winning.

CaliGirlED said...

LMAO!!! Thanks Leon, I needed that!

michaeldavis said...

yeah she should've went to Whole Foods on some "I'm good now catch you later" and wait until he drove off

CaliGirlED said...

I feel for you Chele! I have a tremendous fear of bugs and being in a small closed space (car) with one is enough to make me  have an accident, since my initial instinct is to run. The time that a bee was in my car I didn't know it, until that son of a bitch stung me on my shoulder! And I had on a jacket! Why was he all up in my space like that? Luckily the street was not busy and I was able to pull over, knock him out of the car and stomp his already dying ass to DEATH!!!

thinklikeRiley said...

Chele - this ish ain't gangsta but it's funny as hell.

p.s. Tell 3N it's his job to stock the toybox.

Grace said...

McHottie is not giving up that Hershey's Kiss fantasy!

md_KG said...

Omg, this is too funny. Febreeze though? You would have been better off using your sparkly flip flops as canon balls!

Not scared of bugs really. Maybe because I focus all that energy on annihilating them immediamente or to use my mum's terms "kill(ing) it dead". Cockroaches kinda scare me though cos they are just so nasty. As for rodents, trust me, mice don't look as bad when you've had to contend with rats.

Jamie Wesley said...

Too funny. And the presence of Sergeant McHottie just took it to the next level.

A few years ago, I lived in an old apartment complex that apparently had all kinds of holes and cracks for creepy crawlies to get in. One day I opened a closet door and there was a cockroach crawling across the wall. I've killed many a bug in my day, but I can't deal with roaches. They're huge. They can fly. They crunch when you step on them. They can fly. Juice spurts out when you step on them. They can fly. I yelled and slammed the door shut. I prayed that I never ever see that roach again and I didn't for the rest of the time I lived there. God loves me.

Word to the wise: Never ever leave a box of crackers on the floor. Mice love them. One night while I was packing to go on vacation the next day, I saw something zip by out of the corner of my eye. I thought it was a bug, but it was a mouse. Again I scream. The thing ran under my couch out of my sight at least. I calmed down, finished packing as quickly as I could, and went upstairs to get a few hours of sleep. The next morning at the airport, I called the apartment office and said, "There's a mouse in my apartment. Please take care of it." They took care of it while I was out of town. Win.

SouthernWes said...

The wife once called me from work, told me there was something wrong with her car and I needed to come get her. I haul over there and ask what's wrong - there was a wasp chilling on the dashboard. I wanted to say something about how I left work drove eighteen miles to basically kill an insect but you ladies are real serious about your bug-hate. Real serious.

BB Waite said...

There was a bathroom I didn't go into for weeks because of the cricket infestation. I don't know where they keep coming from but there was always one waiting to pounce. Finally Mr. Waite found the family chilling in the a/c vent and killed them dead. I still do a CSI style investigation every time I go in there.

Cyn said...

I've spent close to an hour trying to drown a water bug in my bathtub.  I figured he'd have to get tired of swimming eventually.  I'll sleep on the couch to avoid a spider in my room.  And I had a praying mantis that waited for me to get him for work every day for a few days.  Pure torture.  I.DO.NOT.DO.BUGS.  Especially ones that fly, crunch or jump.

AnnettePearl said...

That's because these Texas crickets are crazy-aggressive. And travel in packs.

blackprofessor said...

Roz, I think I would have died! I have seen mice and rats but I have never been touched by one! I think I would have dipped my foot in boiling water to sterilize it after that.

michaeldavis said...

http://twitpic.com/64gi04

blackprofessor said...

I saw that 3 foot rat with the long tail and I was disgusted! I lived in NYC once upon a time and I never got used to the rodents, I ran away from them!

michaeldavis said...

see my comment below... I KNEW I wasn't the only one

michaeldavis said...

A suggestion for you ladies, have your s/o come through with a caulk gun and go through your house/apt and fill any cracks. That will solve 90% of insect problems.  Do NOT spray in the wall before caulking..they will pour out. trust me on that one

BlackButterfly said...

This post was hilarious.  I shouldn't be laughing because I know that if this had happened to me it would have ended with my car being towed away.  I'm usually better (not great) about bugs if I'm in a more open space but a confined space like a car will generate all kinds of ridiculous and reckless behavior.

Bonita Applebum said...

Raid Wasp Spray. Keep one in the car and two in the house. Kills crawling insects, flying insects, lizards, snakes and wasps. When you live in a house alone, you come up with creative ways to defend your territory. Me + Raid Wasp Spray + a broom = Toni The Crawly Things Slayer. 

Penny said...

This should have come with a warning!!  Eech!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Memories! I was 8 or 9, my brother 2 or 3, my mother very grown and the three of us in the middle of my bed with the phone cord stretch as far as it would go whilst my mother called ALL of L.A. looking for my dad because she saw a mouse. She was scared, we were scared (even though we didn't see at thing)!

MsJamie14 said...

You men want to be "needed"...well, there you go! lol

MsJamie14 said...

Thanks for the tip. I actually have my own caulk gun but have NO problem handing that job off!

BlackButterfly said...

Thanks for that information.  Making list for Home Depot right now.

Joy Andrews said...

*raises hand* I have questions.
1. What was in the bag?
2. Did you call your friend back?
3. Is Sergeant McHottie still hot?
4. How is that Aloha scent?
5. Was it all worth it in the end?

I'll wait.

Mechelle said...

Been there, done that. Only, mine happened on the 405 freeway here in Los Angeles and I pulled over to the narrow strip and jumped out screaming like a crazy lady because a ginormous spider was crawling directly over my head...and we all know what our grandparents told us about what happens if a spider winds up in your hair, right???

Only1DivaC said...

Yep this is still funny reading the third time around. Only you Chele can have Seg. McHottie, Febreeze, and creepy crawly things a funny story!  I have a flying bug aversion myself. Anything that flies and stings you I am out of there with a quickness.
 
One story comes to mind in fact. Imagine me rolling down 360 on my way home from DFW airport where I all I saw was a bee flying past my head. Now imagine driving across 3 lanes of traffic mind you cutting everyone else off to get to the side of the road. Then imagine me jumping out the car at the risk of my own life to get away from said bee. Now imagine trucks and cars wheezing past me and honking horns at me. So yeah I feel the pain on bugs!

MichelleG said...

I'm not breaking bread with them but after a certain point you get tired of running. Conductors pull in and out of stations too fast to wait upstairs so some days you gotta put your mugg face on and be prepared to use that heel as a spear. I used to be scared of mice as a kid but as a single adult I've learned to take care of my own mice traps. I don't like it but you do what you have to. Also makes it easy to suss out male whimps who can't do it. I can't call you daddy if I'm the one doing the dirty work in the house.

Mykeia said...

Things like this never happen to me...well they never turn out to be funny.  
I cannot believe that he remembered D a.k.a. Dingbat and SEW...
I too had a good thought but my laughter killed it.
My main question is where is your earpiece while driving...Oregon law:  No driving on a cell unless you have a earpiece or if you're on speaker...I know you're in TX but the earpiece comes in handy.

Sasha Iman said...

I'm not too too bad when it comes to insects unless they're of the creepy crawly, I can move at the speed of light variety.

I used to be a tom boy and I still love the outdoors so lizards, grasshoppers & crickets? I have no problem catching them and putting them outside. I wouldn't have a problem with mice/rodents either if there wasn't the risk of being bitten and catching something.

Snails, certain spiders, caterpillars and the like, I'll try to escort outside before I resort to killing them but forty legs (centipedes), and cockroaches? FLYING cockroaches at that? If I had asthma I'd be getting rushed to the ER.

I'm not one of those people who get paralyzed by fear, so trust and believe those little terrors will be "deaded", but it's one hell of a nerve wracking experience for me. I start hyperventilating and immediately burst into panic induced tears. I then tearfully and fearfully attack the wretched creature as I shake from the adrenaline that's being pumping through my veins. Finally I disinfect all surfaces involved, shower if feeling particularly grossed out, and then marinate in a somber yet thoroughly relived state for at least half an hour.

When there's other people are around though, I just shriek and get someone else to do the dirty work. Being a woman has it's benefits.

sol_dier said...

Jesu Christi.
Is this real. This can not be real. I know NYC rats pay rent and own property but this....
Jesus!

sol_dier said...

wanna be an alpha male?
Kill the bug! :p

GuessImJay said...

You travel with Hawaiian Febreze in your trunk...
#thatisall

maureen said...

In OneChele's word Oh my damn!  Do you have MCHottie picture. #IJS.  Side eyeing 3N for not have his stock. O_0
A good friend of mine had a similar run with  cops a while back. She is a lurker here and she will kill me for putting her bidness on the innanets.  Here we go, her man had just come back from overseas trip and it was her b/d weekend and the girls were leaving for Miami. To  get her  aerobic activites she decided to suprise him during lunch hour when his staff are out for lunch and the office is closed. He is a dentist. It was a rainy spring day and  most folks would be driving under speed limit or just within.  But not home girl,  she was  on I-95 doing over 80 mph. Just before her exit she was pulled over. Chic had a trench coat, a bra and  draws. I don't why,  but her registration was in her truck, in an attempt to go get her registration form she slipped( high heels). Indecent exposure anyone. True to my friend, she got her ticket and  still went for the aerobic activities.

Earthangel172 said...

tip.of.the.week

Jubilance said...

OMG Chele this was SUCH an entertaining story! LMAO...

I'm an angel so I'm not gonna comment on the late-night Walgreen's run...

Jubilance said...

Thanks for the tip!

Andrea M said...

She kept her eyes on the prize.

Andrea M said...

A man must take out the trash, kill the bugs, stir the cocoa. #notnegotiable

Andrea M said...

Right? He figures he'll catch old girl between men one of these days.

Andrea M said...

Twizzlers and Gatorade?
That's just me?
Never mind...

superwoman said...

your life. my entertainment.  Thank you, Chele.

OneChele said...

I'm here for you.

OneChele said...

Wait - doesn't everybody?

OneChele said...

I left my ear piece in the car last weekend and it literally melted. 

OneChele said...

Not the 405! There's nowhere to pull over!

OneChele said...

1. ....
2. Yep
3. Yep
4. Tropical
5. ;-)

OneChele said...

Get it!

Ms. LTB said...

LMBO thanks Chele for sharing and thanks everyone else for the TX bug warnings.  I'm making my first trip that way at the end of September and I now know to be on the lookout.  I hate bugs, mice, rats, lizards, snakes and all their various cousins and friends.  I've parked my car and left it there while I went inside a store to wait on someone to hunt down and kill a roach inside. I've given up the front bathroom to a lizard and avoided my own backyard for several MONTHS because I saw a snake.  I chopped down the bush next to my mailbox because one day a bee came out and stung me (now he dead and his family homeless).  If you tell me there's a mouse at your house, you don't have to worry about me doing anything other than parking in your driveway and tooting my horn for you to come outside.  The only bugs I've grudgingly accepted are the small black ants that refuse to leave this year thanks to all the rain.  Guess I'll try the caulking thing someone recommended because so far bait traps, bug spray, boric acid, bleach, vinegar, etc have not done the job.

Ms. LTB said...

I don't remember any warnings about spiders in my hair.  Please share.

stratosphere said...

LOL! The fact that you locked, not just closed, the door...
(It's funny bc I would have too)

thinking that... said...

...now he dead and his family homeless... ~ funniest thus far...LOLOL..

Angel Blanca said...

You know, it's a shame that your life is so entertaining it almost looks like a story plot.  No one should have such a fun life, and write such great books; it's almost too much for any one person to handle.

That said, this is beyond hilarity!!  When I read 3N's post about it not being his fault last night, I was properly skeptical, but now?  ROTFLMBO!!

Did the officers get your antics on their dashboard cameras, because the only thing more entertaining that reading about this would be seeing it, too...on repeat.  Too funny!!

La said...

Insects in Texas are nothing to play with. I am pretty sure all the bugs here are eating radioactive waste in their spare time, mutating into big, invincible, superbugs. I'm not even afraid of bugs like that, but I will full on sprint in the other direction when confronted with a praying mantis passing for a cricket. My biggest problem with Texas tho? The woodland @ss creatures, namely, possums, that have no f*cks to spare about human lives. I've blogged a few times about my adventures with them outside my building but here's the short version of 1 story for you...
 I couldn't sleep one night so I did some grocery shopping to get ready for some out-of-town guests. When I got back home (about 1am), I was carrying my stuff up the 3 flights of stairs to my apt when I saw what I THOUGHT was the feral cat my neighbors fed. Except it was not a cat. It was a possum the size of 1 of those fat toddlers on Maury staring at me like it was about to stick me for my Special K bars. I lost all my thug, screamed like a little girl, threw my groceries up in the air and fled back downstairs to the safety of my car, 2 seconds from a heart attack. The punk @ss possum shuffled on to the woods like it DIDN'T just try to assassinate me. I didn't leave my house after dark after that for like 2 weeks.
Feel better? lol

Angel Blanca said...

WTEF?!!!  Was this housing project built on a nuclear waste disposal site?  It's Photoshop, right?  This canNOT be real!

Angel Blanca said...

It's a good thing that moth left its lockpick at home, huh? LOL!!

JoycelynC said...

I don't do the bugs or any kind.  Just this  week I was in the shower when I saw something move out the corner of my eye. It was some crawling bug that always seems to come into my bathroom from some crack or the vent in the ceiling (I will have to borrow the caulking tip).  I almost tore down the shower curtain trying to kill that thing.  I will kill them but, yeah in a car, I would likely have jumped out trying rather than keep driving with some unknown bug that close. 

Kevin said...

I'm missing the insect fearing gene. Is it specific to American ladies? 

p.s. Love the blog. The archives have killed my summer work productivity

Only1DivaC said...

Yes, they do. I have Berry Paradise & Melon Twist

OneChele said...

I had a mutant raccoon that chased me and my roommate back in the day. These creatures don't care. Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

OneChele said...

I didn't even think of dashboard cam. If I show up on YouTube, all hell's breaking loose. Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

michaeldavis said...

lol at "lost my thug"  

MidWestDominicana said...

Lavender Vanilla, thank you.

The_A said...

*as I start itching* Ms LTB where on earth do you live? I ask because I never need to be there.

Do Your Own Pest Control dot com best darn thing ever happened to a bug-hatin homeowner!

Give those ants some of what that bee got

The_A said...

I had an apartment in Atlanta back in the day. I came into the bedroom and saw this huge black roach crawling on the door of my bathroom. I'd never seen anything that big in my house that wasn't kicking in on a bill or two. So, I talked myself into killing it (obviously I was all by myself) Grabbed a shoe & started slowly inching toward it.

soon as I got close enough to hit it, that mutant demon beast took flight! (who knew they could fly)

We danced a frantic dance together in that tight little space. I was so terrified it was like an out of body experience. I clearly remember hearing my own screams

Eventually I knocked it down with the shoe & spent at least the next half hour uncontrollably beating its lifeless carcass into my carpet grunting like a Williams sister!

So, no @OneChele:disqus  you are not alone!

Veronica Miller said...

Well, hell, I didn't even catch that! O_O

Veronica Miller said...

Oh my....

maureen palmer said...

But why toddlers on Maury though? LOL!

Earthangel172 said...

oh my damn!

GammasWorld said...

That dang thing is bigger than Doggie Princess!!!  

GammasWorld said...

I'm staying away from bag contents and the AQT (shout out for the Mo Better Blues reference though LOL).  Wonder how long it took McHottie to run 3N through that background check LOL.  

Mykeia said...

Ohhh, sorry.  That TX heat is no joke.

tiffanyinhouston said...

I live in Houston and you have not lived until you come out of your grad school class at 10PM, dead ass tired after a long work day and class and get straight punked by a possum that had decided to warm its ass underneath your car. Needless to say campus police had to be called!!!

I have no desire to commune with nature.

tiffanyinhouston said...

The best part about getting married: in house BUG KILLER!!!!!!!!!! Yasssssssssssssssssss!!!

This is dedicated to 3N and Chele:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRsRzvqyTiQ

What ya'll know about that there?????????????????????????????? *winks*

Brendadc said...

Too funny! I grew up in the sticks so I'm used to killing bugs. I remember being the designated bug killer when I had an apartment with my best friend. However, I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing possums. Oh my God...the ugliest creatures ever....and they seem to scamper...not run..when trying to get away from you. Ugh.

Brendadc said...

I meant not straight up run..just playfully go along...out of sight.

Ms. LTB said...

LOL I live in central Florida.  The ants show up the beginning of every summer.  I actually called in professionals this year thinking that they would make a difference.  Unfortunately, my ants are apparently super ants or zombie ants or ants on steroids or maybe they are related to bebe's kids because try as I might, they don't die, they multiply.  Every other bug that even considers entering my house is on its back dead before you even see it.   But these ants? Nope.  As soon as I think I've killed them all, a week or two later I'll see one or two crawling.  Fortunately they don't bite and they only hang out around the sink and the bathtub.  I keep them both sprayed down with bleach and that helps.  It's been raining a lot lately so instead of the ants  finding shelter in the great outdoors, they apparently prefer to house with me.  It wouldn't be as bad if they paid rent. Then at least I'd be getting paid for the aggravation.   SMH oh well, it will be fall/winter soon. In the meanwhile, I'm making a visit to home depot this weekend to try the caulk thing.

CaliGirlED said...

 My aunt has that same problem. Her lot used to be an avacado grove. In other words her house sits on a continent of ants! Home Defense from Home Depot helps, a little.

OneChele said...

Messy

Singlelif said...

For me it's not so much the bugs as it is the crawling rodents and their other four legged furry friends. Withiin the first month of relocating to the DMV from NYC, I was driving in my subdivision, when before me in the street was a round, furry, animal that was flat on the ground and slow moving.  I immediately ground to a halt, got out of my car and proceeded to scream like a banshee.  A neighbor was in his driveway and rean over to me to seewhat the problem was.  Turned out it was a groundhog.

Last year I was in DC on New York Ave/11th St., parked in front of McDonalds while the restaurants trash dumpster was being emptied.  Just as the garbage truck lifted the dumpster to empty it into the truck, a HUGE RAT jumped out of the dumpster and onto my car.  When I tell you I had a CONIPTION in my car, please believe I almost busted a blood vessel in my brain I was screaming so hard.  The sanitation workers did all they could to calm me down from inside the car.  I must've looked like a complete idiot, because I absolutely refused to open the car door even after the rat had scampered down the street.  The workers did eventually kill the fat azz rat with their paddle (read: huge broom), only because the rat was soo fat, he couldnt run very quickly.  We eventually laughed it off, and I thanked them profusely.  I'm from Brooklyn, but still have never seen anything like that.  Only in DC.

What makes this so much funnier is, I'm a federal law enforcement Agent, and the car was an agency owned car, with the parking placquard in the window.  Protect and serve ? Right !

Brittany Geneva said...

"Ma'am, you do realize that by having all your doors open and a car smelling like mangoes you are actually attracting more insects?"
#dead

Singlelif said...

I can soooo see me doing having that exact same reaction !

Jazzy Jazz said...

So why did a spider get into my cousins car- and why did she subsequently CRASH her truck trying to get rid of the spider. LOL glad you are safe and bug free 

Jasmin said...

Orange peels, peppermint spray, or chalk will make them go back out the way they came!

Jasmin said...

This story literally brought tears to my eyes, though if it had happened to me I would have had a conniption and been carted off.

Jessica said...

I can't *remember* where I was going but one night I was driving and happened to have the window down because the weather was nice outside. As I was driving I felt something fly into my car but I originally thought it was just a leaf. However, I soon heard some fluttering in my back windshield. I thought it may be a big bug so I halfway freaked out but calmly pulled into a gas station. As I opened the back door of my car I realized that there was a small BAT In my car!!!! Yes, a REAL LIVE BAT!!!! Then I really started to act a nut trying to get it out! It finally flew out and I had to get a drink to calm my nerves! Thinking about it makes still makes my skin scrawl!

OneChele said...

See now - heckie naw. I'd still be in therapy.


Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Mykeia said...

Girl you are killing me!

Singlelif said...

Humph, that's nothing..wanna hear about the time last summer when I was driving from NC on I-95, and a baby frog jumped thru my sunroof and landed on my shoulder ? Well, it was a very light rain outside and I actually thought it was a raindrop, so when I went to brush it off, it jumped over onto the dashboard,and had the nerve to sit looking at me. In a state of panic,  I commenced  to open the windows, and tried to swat it out, while fishtailing across the highway.  I pulled over and got it out using a towel. Dang near tore up my Range messing with a frog !

Nicol Wright said...

You just gave me the afternoon laugh I was looking for!!!! I have tears beyond tears this was so funny.  Thank you Chele for sharing!!!

SassyJJ said...

Wait.  Me and one of my girlfriends went to see Rachelle Ferrell at Blues Alley (Georgetown) earlier this year.  It was the 10pm show and since BA is really in an alley, you have to stand in line outside.  Those of us towards the front of the line were chillin', chit chatting and whatnots.  All of a sudden, a worker, who was sitting on the steps across from the club, kinda hotfooted over towards the line.  He looks back and then grins (ewww).  Then, this BIG ASS RAT walks its happy self across the alley towards the club.  EVERYBODY screamed and parted like the Red Sea.  I was too freakin' through!

Oh, and about two years ago, I was a volunteer at WPFW over on Kalorama in Adams Morgan.  They were doing some major revitalization over there at that time.  I was parking my car and as I was crossing the street, a little mouse runs across.  Ewww, but okay.  I'm walking, walking, walking and I see something in the middle of the street.  Upon closer inspection, it's a smushed rat! A family done died together because there like 3 other rats nearby.  I think that solidified my decision not to live in DC!

Singlelif said...

Ugghhh !!  Somebody just messed up their family reunion.

Jessica said...

Yeah, i rarely ride with the window down anymore-don't want any flashbacks!

kjnetic aka Peter Parker said...

just seeing this now...

this is something my older sis would probably do....

and i'm going to give you the same response i give her...

O_o   Ma'am...have a seat \__

Amanda Michelle Jones said...

R.O.F.L.M.A.O!!! so i was JUST tweeting about how i sprayed my car down with RAID tonight upon putting my arm through a web & seeing a spider scurry under the passenger seat. @becomingamw was kind enough to share this with me. 

this story totally sounds like something that would happen in my life. *sigh*

Amanda Michelle Jones said...

#iCant

Nadette said...

I've been MIA b/c  life is a circus these days, but OMG. I just had to put myself in the corner I was laughing so hard. Definitely needed that laugh. only you girl, only you. And I swear, you and officer Mchottie have timing issues. What I woulnd't give to see his picture (cuz I'm nosey like that). I totally feel you on the bug thing, I about had a heart attack when I freakin LOCUST flew through my car windows.

Natasha Hunter said...

LOL... I'm just gonna say...

Did anyone else notice there was not much resistance to the AQT request after "a crazy grueling day" that had Madame Bouge doing the work of 3 popular slaves? LOL ..."fine", I believe was the response *giggling*

Mmm... I guess Bleek  was right "Mo' better makes it mo' better" ; )

Leon X said...

I dedicate the following to Chele.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2_zdgPYhJg

One Chele said...

I have never had them all happen to me at once! This was a great way to start the morning! Out of everybody, Sgt. McHottie?!?!?! Wow!

I have a bug and a rodent issue. I was lounging in my home (just bought it during the Spring), and I had no idea that field mice seek out shelter, usually human shelter when it gets cold. I was trying to be all seductive to a perspective new man on the phone (I give great phone convo!) and I had a bare foot on the floor. I looked down just a mouse ran across the top of my foot and I hit a note not even Mariah Carey can hit! I jumped on my chair like the cartoons screaming "THERE'S A MOUSE IN MY HOUSE!!!!" over and over again! I get back to the phone and all I hear is this guy laughing so hard he started coughing like crazy. I apologized for screaming, and he said, "No - that was pretty funny. That rhymes!" Then he started baby-talking to me, teasing me about being afraid of a mouse.

Yeah - we did not ever hook up or talk again.

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