Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Ask a Bougie Chick - Green means go, right?


Alright, let's get it started. We have a confused young man who wants the assistance of BougieLand. He's very young and trying to figure out the rules of engagement. Here's his story:
Hi Ms. Bougie, 
Your blog is great, I like how you try to see things from both the woman and the man's point of view. I've definitely learned a lot even from your posts telling us what not to do. Let me get to it. I'm 22, black male, in DC, single. I'm a new college grad and haven't been dating very much up to now. 
I just started a career with the government plus I'm doing some mentoring work so I don't have a lot of time and effort to put towards a serious relationship. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm making excuses, I just think I have plenty of time for committed monogamy later. 
I started seeing someone about seven weeks ago, I asked her if she was okay with a casual type of thing, back in the day they used to call it "just kicking it" kind of relationship. She said she wasn't looking for anything serious right now either and we could just be cool with each other. No expectations, just hanging out, going out, talking on the phone, having fun, stirring cocoa, right? 
Then this past weekend she went off telling me that she wanted more, she wanted a committed and having a "cocoa-stirring friend" was making her feel like a slut. Her words. Not mine. I didn't know what to say or do because she said this was cool and all of a sudden she changed the rules. No notice. We went from "that movie was dopeness" to "why won't you be my boyfriend" in like two minutes. 
I need to ask - did I do something wrong? I thought it was green lights and then she threw up the red. Did I miss something? And since even though she's a nice girl, I really don't want anything serious, I can walk away without feeling like I was some sort of dog, right? I did ask my boys but I'd like to talk to people who have been here and have nothing invested in telling me the truth. So what's up, bougie people?
-KJT in DC
Well KJT-I'm going to let that "back in the day they used to call it 'just kicking it'" line slide... that was my day, son and I'm not that old. Anywho, if you were straight with her from jump, you can walk away without feeling the least bit doggish. I think more than anything, you were a little naive to believe her when she said it was cool to be cocoa buddies. Especially when it sounds like you were taking her out as well. Even though you said cocoa buddies, you acted like a boyfriend. This confused, perplexed and ultimately angered her. This is why folks have friend zone folks and cocoa folks. Once you start blending the two, drama pops off. IMHO. But let me see what BougieLand has for you...

BougieLand, what say you? Fellas? Ladies? Ever had someone switch up the rules of the game on you mid-play? How do you handle it? Did KJT handle this all wrong? And what should he do know?

178 comments:

bkbisous said...

Put simply, not everyone can handle the type of arrangement you thought was agreed upon. I hope the comments don't go the women-can't-separate-sex-from-love route, because I think it's also true
of more men and fewer women than many are led to believe: it's just a personality trait.  I'm pretty
sure I wouldn't be able to have that type of relationship outside of a
romantic one, so I don't even try it. 



I agree with "Ms. Bougie": this was a show of your (understandable) naïveté, not doggish
behavior. I can't promise you that she will see it that way, though.

maxfab said...

Aw it's so cute that he believed her when she said it was okay to just kick it. Poor thing.
KJT you've learned a lesson here - 9 times out of 10 a woman is lying (to you and/or herself) when she says she can handle casual sex.
If you don't want to be in a relationship, you should abort mission immediately. There's really no way to overcome the underlying salt of a woman who is kicking it with a man she wants to wife down.

Think P. Smart said...

Awww.  This is so cute.  You're young so learn this lesson NOW.  Assume the minute a woman tells you she doesn't want anything, she's lying.  And in the rare instance she isn't lying, don't trust her because after a while, she will put glass in your food and kill you.

Lady Ngo said...

Even though you said cocoa buddies, you acted like a boyfriend.
And there it is! IDK when people will learn. The only way a friends with benefits situation will work is if theres minimal friendship and maximum benefit. At least in that scenario if the road block of "why won't you be my boyfriend" comes up (which it most likely always will), it'll be a little further down the road.

Jubilance said...

Ok I'm gonna have to be the voice of dissention & disagree with the Bougie ladies on this one. There are some women who are NOT lying when they say they don't want something serious - I've been there myself. After a very bad break up, I spent several year purposely not being serious, and I would only date a guy for 3 months before moving onto the next. Yes, there are some women who will agree to this sort of arrangement in the hopes of "changing his mind" but lets not act like there aren't women who can work in this kind of situation.

I think the key here is what Chele said - you treated her like you were in a relationship, but you didn't want any of the responsibility. You wanna keep it just cocoa, then there's no going out to eat, going to the movies, etc. If you want a buddy to do those things with, then you need to keep it cocoa-free. Trying to do both is a recipe for disaster every single time.

Yall were hanging out, she caught feelings - it happens. She handled it very badly tho. Instead of flipping out, she should have just articulated that she had caught feelings & she wanted to change the rules of the game.

Big October said...

As a young man on the move a "just kicking it" scenario is ideal. But rarely, and I mean rarely does a woman give up the cocoa without wanting more in return. If he was romancing her, guess what? it was inevitable that she would develop feelings. And the connection made from time and sex affects the emotions and the psyche.  It's hard to believe that he didn't know that this would happen though. Having said that, I'll say this: If you're going to do things that committed couples do, just commit and be in a relationship. You can't clean the dishes without scraping the plate, ya dig!

blackprofessor said...

I don't think you were doing anything wrong by believing her.  My policy has always been to take people at their word.  If they are saying one thing and meaning another, that isn't on you, it's on them.  However, I agree with Chele that you acted like more than cut buddies and that can be confusing.  If you want a friend to hang out with, find that person.  If you want a cut buddy, find that person but please keep them separate.  I think most people (men and women) can't handle a situation where you combine hanging out with cocoa.  Otherwise, keep being honest with yourself and the other person as it does go a long way.  

sol_dier said...

KJT, You did nothing wrong. She simply decided after awhile that she wanted a little more. 

The lesson from here is this: Nothing remains static. 
Look in life, you might start out wanting just 'A' and having tasted it, discover that you want AB. It's life, it happens. It will happen again, sometimes you will be the person who wants more, sometimes its someone else.

sol_dier said...

I think people are more invested in believing that woman can't do it, than acknowledging the reality that many woman actually don't mind it all and until recently it was kinda taboo to even acknowledge it. 

thinking that... said...

your question is, can you walk away without feeling like a dog?  the answer (perspective) from a woman who has been there done that learned many lessons is, yes you can.  truth on your part was spoken up front with i guess you can say ground rules laid out.  the answer (perspective) from a woman who is 22 or so who has not been there done that and is just now learning her first lesson is no.  don't know if you can repair this one but definitly take it as a lesson learned.  you spoke the truth up front, BUT as ms. bougie said you acted like a boyfriend. 

you didn't ask what you should do, but please allow me to offer this if i may.  walk away!  you two want two different things out of this here friendship and you will never meet on common ground.  explain why you walking away if you feel you must or want, but walk away and chalk this one up as a lesson learned.  hopefully she has also learned if she gone play coco buddy she has do a better job at seperation (good luck with that).

taut_7 said...

here's what i don't understand. why can't you just enjoy a woman's company without having to be pressured to make a commitment. my man in the story is 22. if he wants the option to have a casual relationship he should be able to. especially if he made his intentions known up front. yeah he was having relations with her while taking her out but on the other hand he's not the only one to blame for her feelings. if she knew she couldn't handle having both then she should have made a decision. 

i hate when a man is always to blame for a woman's feelings in situations like this. as if he's supposed to know what she can or can't handle. 

GuessImJay said...

Son... come sit down with Unca Jay. Listen up. You clearly missed a few Coalition meetings. But I got you.

Rule 1 - If it's just about the cocoa: Text, smash, leave.
Rule 2 - If she's "just a friend": Call, meet at the movies, wave goodbye, leave.
Rule 3 - If she's your girlfriend: Call, text, call, pick her up, take her out to dinner, drive her home, walk her to the door, make a move, get inside, stir the cocoa, cuddle, stay the night.

Don't mix the 1, the 2, and the 3. No matter what she says is cool. Pick a lane and stay in it unless you both decide to switch up.

That is all. Go with God, young buck.

Queen of Me said...

Aw boo - bad flashbacks? Nobody is blaming youngster or telling him to commit, just letting him know that people (men and women alike) sometimes say what they think they want and then they change their minds.

Queen of Me said...

I totally agree with you. Now I'm not sure I could've done it at 22 (assuming the lady was his age) because I was mad sheltered and had no concept of friend zones or cocoa buddies, the whole situation would have confused me. But now? Hmmm, let me wriggle into my cougar catsuit cuz I could work the hell out of a young cocoa delivery service right bout now.

taut_7 said...

i'm not saying anyone here is blaming him but we all know in general the man gets the blame. "he shouldn't have led her on." men and women alike huh? sure but the ratio isn't 50/50. more like 80/20.

and yes i'm having flashbacks. lol 

Jubilance said...

IMO, the only way to have a casual cocoa situation is to do it with a person you would never actually want to date...or even like very much. Cause if you like the person, you wanna spend time with them outside of the cocoa-stirring...and the next thing you know, someone has caught feelings.

Pure Choco said...

LOL @ the flashbacks!

Pure Choco said...

LOL @ the flashbacks!

Pure Choco said...

HA! Not the cougar catsuit?!

Ms_Toni said...

In my opinion, there's nothing that could have been done to prevent any of this from happening. She might have wanted a casual relationship just as much as he did. Obviously her feelings have changed. There's nothing wrong with that. He shouldn't feel bad about not wanting the same thing and she shouldn't feel bad for wanting more. Stuff happens. At least she's communicated it and not kept her feelings hidden. He just needs to let her know whether he's interested in more or not. And if not, she's no longer a valid "cocoa buddy" for him. There doesn't have to be any hard feelings.  

Just know that everything has an outcome. If you do everything that a couple would do in a relationship, and are NOT in a relationship, are your expectations of no attachments realistic? Just food for thought.

Jubilance said...

She absolutely has a role to play in this, this isn't a "blame the man" situation. I just think its naive of him to be SO SURPRISED that he spent time with this woman, stirred the cocoa repeatedly, and now she caught feelings.

CaliGirlED said...

Le Huge Damn Sigh! KJT in DC, I'm just going to call you K, ok?

You're 22, college grad, gainfully employed, volunteering/mentoring and what not? You sound like a great guy, on paper. Add good cocoa (assuming) and quality time and you make the perfect boyfriend. (Hell I would want you, if I wasn't old enough to be your young mother). But I digress. So whether or not a woman is looking for that, insert K, and she's ready for a commitment.

With that let me reiterate what Chele said, don't mix cocoa stirring and couples stuff together. You're going to get commitment feelings EVERYTIME! I've been on both ends of that situation and it's not good for either parties. If you just want cocoa and no commitment, then you need to find that one or two or three (whatever suits you) who just want cocoa. I mean literally the call/text is made, the meeting place is decided on, the time is established, you meet, stir, rest, clean up, depart. YES I'm serious! Anything more than that and you're on your way to Commitmentville by hook or crook.

But you were honest with her from the start and now her feelings have changed. And perhaps she knew all along that she wasn't up for just cocoa and hoped that you would change. But either way, you had an agreement, which she is now wanting to change the terms to. You have a choice, get out of the situation, and no you can not remain friends, because a friendship is not what she wants; or you can re-negotiate the contract, and by that I mean agree to her terms and begin a committed relationship. If you decide to part ways, do not feel like the bad guy. But by all means DO NOT give the cocoa not nan other swirl!!! Be done!

Crystal said...

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt!!!  If you were upfront and honest with her from the beginning about what you wanted (the casual relationship with no strings attached) then you did nothing wrong.  However (and this is when things get a little complicated) even though you were honest and did nothing wrong you still need to proceed with extreme caution, because the one who is not being honest here is the young lady!!!  I know her because I have been her!!!  She lied not only to you, but to herself, and the kicker here is that she did not do it purposefully or consciously.  She probably felt either 1) I can do no strings attached, no problems  or 2) I can make him fall for me, just play it cool for now.  Basically she thought she could handle or she thought she could change you.   A couple very important things I have learned in all my 32 years are 1)When somebody tells you what they want and do not want believe them(especially if it is a man!!!!) and 2) Always, always be honest with yourself (especially as a woman) first and foremost. 

CaliGirlED said...

 You're right it's not just a woman thing. Men get caught up in that too....And she won't see it that way, she will feel used and dogged out because she's probably not at a place yet to accept personal blame for situations that she has gotten herself into.

CaliGirlED said...

Oh my damn!!! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

*hollers and rolls around on the floor* Queen you are a woman of truth! And that cougar catsuit and young cocoa are a great combination! LMAO!!!!

maureen said...

KJT, you did not do anything wrong, other than like Chele pointed out,   you acted like a boyfriend. I have always maintained most of us (female) we can't handle these types of relationships, so we lie to ourselves and the men.

tishatweets said...

I don't know how much more upfront you could have been, KTJ. What I thnk you need to be aware of---and be ready for--is that few and far between are the women who can handle that kind of "non-relationship." So you shouldn't be surprised when things don't end well despite what she says initially.

I'm not assigning any fault. Maybe she THOUGHT she could handle it when she said it, but the truth comes out in the wash. These here are the brakes.

CaliGirlED said...

My friend you do not stand alone in that. I know for a fact there are women ready willing and able to stir the cocoa and get to steppin. Or look at him wondering when the hell is going to get up and leave. Bottomline you have to know what you want, be clear to the other party, and not give mixed signals. It's not going to go smoothly everytime, but hey that's the risk you take when you roll the dice!

CaliGirlED said...

It's not so hard to believe he didn't know, he's 22. He tried the old honesty is the best policy thing, she agreed and he thought "Eureka"! NOW he knows. LOL

tishatweets said...

Agreed. And there's nothing wrong with wanting more. If the man you want more with doesn't want more with you, you charge it to the game and take your talents elsewhere.

maureen palmer said...

It is to early for this righ. right .here. LOL

JaymeC said...

Soooo it's wrong that I'm thinking he'd be a nice "companion" for my niece? Yes? Oh, okay.

CaliGirlED said...

Taut it may seem this way because he wrote in and he's asking for our opinion/advice. Oh how I WISH that she would write in, and I think you would see that the Bougienistas would give her a good talking to. He is not to blame, neither is she, they have both sat in the classroom of life. Now it's up to them to take what they have learned and apply it. The likelihood of it happening to either of them again is pretty high. But I think he may have a better chance since he reached out to some older, hopefully wiser folks.

CaliGirlED said...

Love it!!!

tishatweets said...

Y'all in these streets havin' cocoa with people you don't even LIKE? Well I'll be! Lol.

thinklikeRiley said...

Dis ish right here? Da equivalent of taking Shardoneah from da House of Cheeks for cheddar biscuits:
Don't. Do. It.

Riley out.

thinklikeRiley said...

AND. You need mo' people.

Jason P said...

"House of Cheeks"
*dead*

Jason P said...

And there it is.

Jason P said...

It's always the man's fault - even when it isn't. You already know.

sol_dier said...

Trying to get my head around some comments re: being intimate with someone you don't like... (How does that work?) I dunno. I don't even want to share air/food/water with people I don't like.  I can't even begin to imagine sharing my body with someone I didn't like. 

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

I need to spread this all over my Innanet Stomping Grounds. Some of my peers don't know/understand these rules of engagement at all.

CorettaJG said...

Seems like a lot of practical advice has already been given.

My only addition is that in my opinion sex is never really "casual."  There are too many physical, emotional, chemical and/or spiritual entanglements for most people (after all they are literally becoming one) in this most intimate of intimate acts, and it should never be handled casually.  

Either be just friends or be committed.  I have serious doubts about whether partners really emerge unscathed from "casual" encounters.  Psychological and sociological literature, let alone faith based literature seems to case doubt on that as well.  Can you really have much left over to give the person you decide is for you when you've given so much away all tied up with so many other people in drive by fashion?  Have the discipline and the diversionary tactics to save that kind of intimacy for someone who really deserves it.  That's my two cents.

Jubilance said...

If everybody was out here stirring cocoa with ppl they liked, Maury & brothels would both be out of business #IJS

Big October said...

He's 22 not 13, he was looking for a situation that wouldn't compromise his lifestyle and now when things aren't totally beneficial to him he's ready to skate. Both parties should be held accountable here and honesty is always the best policy, but unfortunately, when dealing with affairs of the heart, new rules are made

Leon X said...

Here's the thing about "just kicking it" (or as you young folks say "hooking up"). When you make that intimate of a connection with someone, one of the people involved will end up catching feelings. It's just inevitable. You can get milk from the cow free for awhile, but eventually you'll want more milk or the cow will wonder why they're giving the milk away.

Andrea M said...

I don't have a single solitary problem with KJT. Now that she wants more and you don't, keep it moving. Do not circle back, pass go, stick a pinky toe in - none of that.

As for me, I spent a few years strictly smash-n-go. Yes, some smash with guys I didn't like, didn't really know and didn't really like. It was a phase, I enjoyed myself. No one hung out long enough to catch feelings, I didn't worry about fixing a gotdurn plate O__o, and as long as the cocoa boiled, we had no issues.

Little older, little more knowledgeable about who I am and what I want. Life is about change. What works for you won't work for me.

GrownAzzMan said...

If I had a dollar for every time somebody was "cool with it" until they weren't I could buy Bougie Island and rent out resort space to y'all...SMH KJT, you spoke the truth and you lived up to it. You can walk away with head held high. Just so you know, sometimes peeps go along to get along. Girlie didn't invent script flipping...

CaliGirlED said...

I QUIT YOU RILEY!!!

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

"I can't even begin to imagine sharing my body with someone I didn't like."

Same here. Which is how I know I could never do random hook-ups.

Andrea M said...

Respectfully disagreeing and moving on.

CorettaJG said...

Not a problem Andrea :-)

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

*dead @ 'Maury & brothels'*

BlackButterfly said...

That was perfectly expressed.  Just make sure it is agreed upon upfront which "rule" is in effect.

CorettaJG said...

Well, to be fair, I think Maury stays so busy because the partners decide they don't like each other after she asks for child support and he refuses because, "THAT BABY AIN'T MINE!" or some other such foolishness.

tishatweets said...

Agreed. Wholeheartedly.

ClarkeB said...

Some of ya'll ladies on that goody-two-shoes high horse. Just because you can't imagine sex just for sex sake, fine but don't assume it doesn't exist.

GrownAzzMan said...

" insert K, and she's ready for a commitment"

You didn't mean that literally did you? Jus axin...

tishatweets said...

You say that like it's a bad thing. LOL. But I'll leave this here. I am definitely not the voice of my peer group on this subject.

Bryan Anthony said...

I met a woman some years back and we decided to just be friends with cocoa. 8 years of marriage and two kids later....

Bryan Anthony said...

Tale as old as time.
Lemme get a reservation for the oceanview villa.

Bryan Anthony said...

We are his mo' people - HA!

Bryan Anthony said...

Fist bump for dual references in one comment.

CaliGirlED said...

 Come on Big O, you know the 20's are all about learning. He's still young dumb and, obviously, still tyring to get some! LOL...But agree that, "honesty is always the best policy, but unfortunately, when dealing with affairs of the heart, new rules are made".

Joy Andrews said...

Right! It happens. Like it or not.

SingLikeSassy said...

One time when I was in my 20s a guy I was dating told me: "Don't watch what I do, LISTEN to what I'm telling you."

Best advice ever.

See you were honest and upfront with this young lady and then you conducted yourself according to what you two had agreed to: casual dating with some cocoa time.

That sister watched what you did and thought it signaled boyfriend behavior. She should have listened to what you said, though, cause the only thing she could hold you accountable to is what you two agreed upon.

In any case, I'm sorry this turned out not so great for you and I think Jay's advice below will be helpful to you moving forward. Good luck.

Joy Andrews said...

Girllll, the plate!

bkbisous said...

Consider me your co-dissenter, because you are spot on.

CaliGirlED said...

 LOL, I didn't but hey, he did insert didn't he? LMAO

tishatweets said...

"but unfortunately when dealing with affairs of the heart, new rules are made."

I bet you better say THAT.

Marion Edwina said...

OK when I first read it I had my opinion formed.  Then I read some of the comments and I must say it changed.  I kept thinking about my 16 year old teenage son.  Would I want him to be some type of serial smasher ( I hate this word) viewing women as just a place to deposit his sperm  until he is ready to settle down or would I want him to have relationships  with women even though he is not ready for a serious one,  but with quality young ladies that he wants to spend time with and possible be intimate. (Yes he could have just friendships with some and sex with others) but  I choose the latter, because I feel that this will help him learn more about women,  himself, relationships and what he wants when he is ready to be in a serious one. He needs to be very honest at the onset and maybe reiterate his position as times go on, and even then he probably will have some complications.  Yet if he is a gentleman and honest he has no reason to feel bad.  I know this is not a one size fit all but for some this  suits them better and is more honorable way to go

Joy Andrews said...

Just because you can't imagine it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen but I get what you're trying to say. You're confusing intimacy with sex. It's not always cocoa and whipped cream. There are people that treat sex like a meal. Sometimes you want a fine seven course meal by candlelight, sometimes you just want a burger from the drive through. When you are hungry, you eat. Doesn't mean you fall in love with the burger.  One woman's opinion.

CaliGirlED said...

I love your honesty! Sometimes shit happens in life and our reactions are not always the right ones, in hind sight. After my first heart break, my heart was locked down so tough, I didn't even have the key! My warning sign read, "Proceed with caution", and I wasn't playing!...Like you said, "Little older, little more knowledgeable about who I am and what I want."

Big October said...

I hear you *smiles*

Big October said...

*Church Moan*

The Bunni said...

AMEN!!!  These were my thoughts EXACTLY!

The_A said...

I agree with Jubilance & Jay 100%

These generalities about women & casual sex are not reality.




& it is simply not true to say any woman who just wants to kick it is either lying or a working @ da house of cheeks.



I've know men that just want to be bunned up & are extremely uncomfortable with the idea
of casual sex & women who are actively & honestly pursuing basic
maintenance contracts.



So back to KTJ's situation.

I always say actions speak louder than words. What's
interesting to note is that you say you haven't been dating much &
you give a good bit of space to all the reasons (your word is excuses) why you don't want something serious including having "plenty of time to commit monogamy
later."



Yet you are actually treating her like your girlfriend. Guys that don't care just don't do that. It's innate. As Riley says no cheddar biscuits for Shardoneah.

So, KTJ if you haven't
seriously thought about going out with anyone else, perhaps she isn't the only one
that needs to look at the difference between what you said
& what you really want.



Don't put her on the curb just to realize later that you were both lying to yourselves. Ain't nuthin wrong with young love fresh outta college. What's oh so wrong is all the middle-aged playas out here crying alone at night over the one they let get away.

CaliGirlED said...

"Girlie didn't invent script flipping... " Nope, she simply reading the lines and acting it out.

Joy Andrews said...

A lot of people- men and women, say what they know you want to hear and then try and draw you in. Not saying for sure she was running game but she wouldn't be the first to assume that all you needed was one hit to get addicted. You're a very young 22. Which is nice. Usually by your age, men are inventing entire playbooks and shiggity. Just be careful out there. Some of these chicks been scheming to get a guy like you since Jr. High.

bkbisous said...

...mo' betta people on top of that.

SingLikeSassy said...

"There are too many physical, emotional, chemical and/or spiritual
entanglements for most people (after all they are literally becoming
one) in this most intimate of intimate acts, and it should never be
handled casually."

As usual, we are in agreement, Miss Coretta.

That said, I understand that this doesn't apply to everyone.

Deb B said...

Kindergarten.

Deb B said...

KJT - Serial Monogamy with zero promise of ring. That might be the way for you to go. You don't seem comfy in HnQ mode, you may just be a "boyfriend" type. And being a boyfriend who is not ready to be a husband is fine at 22.

Deb B said...

I thought the same thing!

SingLikeSassy said...

"What's oh so wrong is all the middle-aged playas out here crying alone
at night over the one they let get away."

Let the church say "AMEN."

sol_dier said...

you bad! lol. (Stewie Griffin voice)

Earthangel172 said...

KJT,

Flipping the script is as old as prostitution. You were upfront from the very beginning so don't feel as though you dogged her out. People need to understand that you can't sex your way into a relationship. There are exceptions to the rule and I have personally seen people start out as "buddies" and it turned into something more. However, in most cases, whatever "position" you came into the situation as, is generally where you will stay. (i.e. the mistress will never be the wife)

Maybe this will teach your friend a valuable life lesson; always be clear about what you want in the beginning!

Deb B said...

*Jots down business idea* Young Cocoa Delivery Service
"When you want all of the cocoa and none of the mess"
He he!
Let me get off this long before my boss comes into see what I'm giggling about.

sol_dier said...

not in the slightest  :-)

tishatweets said...

*Baptist Deacon hum* LMBO!

OneChele said...

As usual, these comments have gone 40 different whichaways. Brothels, hamburgers, rules and ocean villas... Lawd!

Earthangel172 said...

#BAM

Jeannette said...

It's good that you are learning this lesson at 22.  I'd say about 95% of women don't want to be jumpoffs, the other 5% are paid to be jumpoffs ya dig? (eric williams voice).  So take that into consideration if you are just looking for a cocoa buddy.  You're gonna have to be content on various hit it and quit it situations.  If that's not your style, you need a girlfriend. 

Jeannette said...

If you want regular cocoa privileges with the same person over and over, you gotta be her man, point blank. Women aren't wired that way.  When will the day come that you men understand this?

Ms_Toni said...

I just thought of something. I have a friend that's like KJT. Smart as hell, has his own business, busy and no time for relationships. So they say.  Truth is, you DO have time for a relationship, KJT. You just don't want one. So don't use your job or goals as a crutch for something else. Because the right relationship and right partner will do nothing up support your job or your goals and may even help you take it to the next level.  Relationships do come with work...but you took a shortcut and are STILL dealing with relationship issues. 

Ok, I think I'm done.

AndreaPlaid said...

I'm in this arrangement right now and am enjoying the hell out of it. I think a couple of factors lead to this:
1) my current lover and I were and are upfront about what we want.
2) we're both in our 40s and divorced. (He has teenaged and college-age children, though not living with him.) We're not feeling all bedazzled or feeling all pressured by marriage and weddings and things.
3) It's long-distance. We both know the other has no intentions of moving to where the other one is because of the lives we've set up and and currently enjoy, and we understand about that about each other.  This is when Skype and texting are very handy.

So, seeing him is a wonderful--and wonderfully sexy--vacation for me and a fun diversion from his life. And we like it like that.

Brandon St.Randy said...

All "just kicking it" relationships have an expiration date. Whether one of you decides to seriously date someone else, finds Jesus, catches feelings, moves out of state, or gets bored with the same old sex, these relationships are by their very nature temporary. Sometimes they're seven weeks temporary, sometimes on and off six years temporary. It's not your fault she changed her mind, it's not her fault she changed her mind. You've both been honest about what you want, they're different things, and now it's time for you both to move on.

sol_dier said...

Joy, I didn't mean it as a judgement call or anything. I meant 'I' (personal to me) as in my own scruples. 

Oh and nope, I'm not confusing intimacy with sex at all. What I'm saying is this:  The chauvinist, arrogant, white supremacist - NO  

The polite, well groomed,  quiet dude on the 4th flr? I've got cocoa powder, he's got the stove. Can we get cooking over lunch? and still throw a wave and a smile when we pass each other on the subway.

It doesn't have to be all candlelight or war. And just cos I don't want to date you, doesn't mean I need to treat you like you have a communicable disease the minute we are done. 

GrownAzzMan said...

Grown folks doin' what they want...I love it!

sol_dier said...

p.s. I'd fill up on plain water before I'd ever eat Mickey D's again.


If it was a choice between a raging chauvinist and making my own cocoa or going without. Well, I think my choice is clear.

Troy said...

C'mon now - he's twenty-effin-two. Does he REALLY have to decide to be relationship ready right now? If he was 32 I'd say okay - make a decision but let him breath some post college air and decide who he is before we tell him what he does and doesn't have time for.

Troy said...

*fist bump*

sol_dier said...

I'm with Andrea on this one too. 
I don't see it as something you give away. Its something you do with someone else to fulfill a physical need. 
It can be emotional but I largely think that is condition, hence I need to at least be able to like a person to be able to go there. Some people don't need that at all.

GrownAzzMan said...

"Now that she wants more and you don't, keep it moving. Do not circle back, pass go, stick a pinky toe in - none of that."

Sage advice that.

Ms_Toni said...

Hold tight. I didn't say he had to make a decision to be relationship ready right now. What I said was saying he was too busy for it is not his true reason. He just doesn't want one. There's nothing wrong with that. At 22, 32, 52.

Grace said...

(in Clay Davis from The Wire voice) Sheeeeeeeit...
Most guys I know wouldn't have even bothered to ask the question of twhat htey did wrong. Would have been like "Bye Boo!" and bounced.

Stick with us, we'll let you know.

Lady Ngo said...

OMG, i been thinkin this all day but didn't wanna comment twice lol.

Unless he only meets home girl every now and again, the "time constraint" is the same as being in a committed relationship,. so why not just be in a committed relationship? He's clearly not just hittin it so i gotta believe he actually likes her, enjoys being around her and doesn't have a problem being seen with her. I think people, especially when they are young, see "committed relationship" as spending every waking moment with the other person which is just not the case. IMO, the only justification for wanting to be in a casual vs a committed relationship is that you wanna be free to stir the cocoa with other people. And to be frank, if he hypothetically has time to juggle multiple people, then time clearly isn't the issue lol.

GrownAzzMan said...

"Some of these chicks been scheming to get a guy like you since Jr. High."

Drops a 20 in the plate as it passes...

La said...

I don't think that's necessarily true. I know women who keep a jump off and get just as irritated when the guy starts to want something more (and it happens with startling regularlity). There are women who just want the cocoa just like there are men that do. The problem occurs when there is a grown person somewhere lying to themselves about what they want or need. If you can handle a jump off situation, cool. If you know you can't, then do not engage.

AndreaPlaid said...

Yep, sho is.

And I'll leave it at that. ;-)

sol_dier said...

See this is the thing, I remember growing up and eaves dropping on my mothers friends, talking about 
'I wish he would actually just do and go' 

I know many women who really don't even want the complication of having to play that game. They want the release and that's it. Just stop calling them names and stuff.

I swear if we didn't have 25,000 different names for a woman who just wanted to get her rocks off, there'd be a lot more admitting their want of easy, uncomplicated, unattached cocoa.

Saida Mustakeem Latigue said...

KJT is lazy . He wants the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility. (Cocoa Stirring with  lukewarm water, the consistency is lumpy & with an aftertaste and the marshmallows are missing)
In other words, he wants a "friend with benefits", he is not interested in making the effort of building  an actual relationship. He & his "friend" sound young & emotional, so he would be best to concentrate on work, his mentoring/volunteering & since the young woman involved changed her mind as to what she wanted from their interaction, he should respect that decision & move on. This scenario is just yet another example of why when a man or woman says "they aren't looking for a relationshp/not ready to date/just want a friend", take them seriously, because 9/10 times, that is exactly what they mean.    

GrownAzzMan said...

Hmmm

CorettaJG said...

Understood. I'm not saying people (men and women) don't have casual sex and I don't quarrel with the idea that many of those people believe it has no negative effect on them at all.  I'm just saying that there is some literature that says it does/can have a negative impact and I wonder if their future long-term partners would say that the history of casual sex encounters had no impact on the person their now dealing with.  Perhaps the party with the history has a harder time looking in the mirror and recognizing the impact.  Perhaps not.  It's obviously not a 100% thing. 

La said...

I don't think young KJT has done anything wrong here. This is one of the oldest games ever run and it's a good thing you're being hipped to it early. There are many women who, for whatever reason, don't want a relationship but want all the benefits of one with none of the responsibility; i.e. le cocoa, dates, etc. Just like there are some men who want that. But there are many women who play the whole Let me Show Him How Awesome I am and Then he Won't be Able to Resist Wanting to Wife me Game. She will say she doesn't want anything serious, in hopes you will see how "cool" and "laid back" she is and how much she doesn't nag or pressure you. She'll always look immaculate, cook for you, charm your boys, put it down in the bedroom, and everything else, all in hopes that you will see that your life is much better with her in it and want to make it permanent. All the while, you're thinking that you guys have an “understanding” because you discussed it in the beginning. When it comes to a head, and it WILL come to a head, it is NEVER pretty.

It’s an ego thing. She can’t understand how you can be standing in the presence of her greatness and not wanna be with her. You’re confused because you thought you had an understanding. Then she’s hurt and you’re the dog some kinda way.
The problem here, as I said somewhere below, is not that anybody is lying or using someone or whatever the case may be. The problem is grown folks not being honest with themselves about what they want. If you want a relationship FIND SOMEONE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH, don’t try to convince the guy you have been casually getting it poppin’ with that he wants to be your boo. You shouldn’t have to convince anyone to be with you. Just keep it real with yourself. Whatever you want, even if you change your mind in the future, is PERFECTLY OK AND NORMAL. Just be brave enough to be clear about what you want and then go after it.
Longest comment ever. My bad. lol

sol_dier said...

Dude.. you see uncomplicated in that list? 
You already got a good thang going at home..  grass ain't greener over yonder :p lol

CorettaJG said...

As usual Sassy :-)

AndreaPlaid said...

I swear if we didn't have 25,000 different names for a woman who just wanted to get her rocks off, there'd be a lot more admitting their want of easy, uncomplicated, unattached cocoa.

::puts $20 in tithes plate::

sol_dier said...

You nailed it. Maybe this is why KJT is asking the question,

Is he playing the 'Good Cocoa is hard to find, I think I'll try to keep mine'- Thank you Cocoasheen, game?

At some point, you just gotta take the hit. You will be called the bad guy, it happens. Know what the truth is, but move on. There are no winners here.

La said...

"Yet you are actually treating her like your girlfriend. Guys that don't care just don't do that. It's innate. As Riley says no cheddar biscuits for Shardoneah."

1st of all, the Boondocks reference had me on the floor. LOL
2nd, I get what you're saying... in theory. And maybe this is just my own experience, but I have found that alot of men don't attach importance to the kinda behavior that we do. Where we see he took us to a romantic, date type restaurant, he sees a spot he read about in WaPo and wanted to try. Where we see great, intimate convo, he sees being able to talk to you because he thinks you're interesting, not because he is interested in something more. So maybe reading into this behavior is a bit of a stretch for some men.

J B said...

I think what people are saying is that they can't imagine themselves doing it.  Not that it doesn't happen.

Above all, know yourself.

Brandon St.Randy said...

Why the vilification? He doesn't want a relationship? Does that automatically make someone lazy?

"In other words, he wants a "friend with benefits","

That's pretty much what he said, isn't it? And she originally agreed that was cool. And to your last point, it seems like he took her at her word, and she didn't in fact mean it (or changed her mind). Having a hard time trying to figure out why any of this should make him the object of scorn or derision.

sol_dier said...

La, does it have to be a game though?.

I mean nothing in life is completely static?. What if she wanted just friends and then grew to wanting more?. It can happen, does it always have to be so calculating?.

p.s. Still love ur blog :)

GrownAzzMan said...

"...alot of men don't attach importance to the kinda behavior that we do. Where we see he took us to a romantic, date type restaurant, he sees a spot he read about in WaPo and wanted to try. Where we see great, intimate convo, he sees being able to talk to you because he thinks you're interesting, not because he is interested in something more. So maybe reading into this behavior is a bit of a stretch for some men."

This.Is.Everything.

Brandon St.Randy said...

On an unrelated note, I think some of the dissonance here comes from the socio-cultural messages women receive. On one hand, women are told they are free to treat sex as casually as men do. On the other hand, they're still slut-shamed for it in a way that men aren't. So while some women may be cool with a cut-buddy situation, they're still subject to guilt and shaming by the prospect of negative judgment by the outside world. And those who would really only be comfortable having sex in the confines of a relationship are encouraged to accept cut-buddy situ's as a testament to their equality with men. A lot of mixed messages you guys get.

GrownAzzMan said...

"It’s an ego thing. She can’t understand how you can be standing in the presence of her greatness and not wanna be with her. You’re confused because you thought you had an understanding. Then she’s hurt and you’re the dog some kinda way."

What La said!

Sasha said...

Remember now, KJT made it clear he did not want a relationship. He was upfront with everything. He did nothing wrong. I was in a situation like this, can "kick it" then months down the line realize the relationship is confusing...i.e., I want a relationship. It hurt but I was honest with myself and realized I wasn't upfront with my intentions.

sol_dier said...

I guess the simple answer is because he doesn't want to be.

He can really like her, enjoy being with her and still not want to be her boyfriend. 
And maybe he doesn't want to be with someone cos his idea of commitment includes, combining finances, working towards a unified goal, putting the other person before himself and he is just not ready for that et.c.,

If he says he doesn't have time, then he doesn't have time. Even if he spends the rest of his time sleeping, it doesn't matter. He is saying quite clearly.. I do not have time for a relationship. We should listen to him and believe him.

Sasha Iman said...

KJT, KJT, KJT, where do I begin?...... You're Doing It ALL WRONG.

1. "No expectations, just hanging out, going out, talking on the phone, having fun, stirring cocoa..."

^^^ That is not a FWB relationship that you're describing. I mean really, you on the phone telling her goodnight and calling her talmbout "good morning beautiful" and expect her to not catch feelings?You basically want to do boyfriend things, without the
boyfriend title and responsibility.
Besides the fact that this
woman lied to herself about what she could handle, you're trying to
have your cake and eat it too. Pick a position, and play
it.


Jay broke down the positions quite nicely, I suggest you get familiar.

2. Do your homework. You're young, eager, and naive when it comes to women. If EVER you want a relationship with a female that involves chex yet isn't supposed to go anywhere, DO NOT take her word for it. If you care in the least about her feelings, and want things to run as smoothly as possible, you need to do your homework. Bring up that woman you both know that gets it in on her own terms.... see what she has to say about that. Ask her if she's seen Friend With Benefits and what her opinion of Jamie is. Do something, anything to get a read on how she feels about FWB relationships and then decided if she's a candidate for what you want. 

3. Honestly, while you can't control someone else feelings, and I see nothing wrong with two people having a strictly chexual relationship, you dropped the ball on your end. It's her fault for catching feelings, but you played a part in not choosing correctly and, most importantly, trying to have your cake and eat it too in regards to doing all the boyfriend things, without actually being her boyfriend.

***********

For the women who are confused as to how stirring cocoa with someone you don''t even like is supposed to work, as a reader of Max's blog this is what I've come up with...

If a woman is looking to have a chexual relationship, odds are she's going to chose someone she's sexually attracted to. With the physical attraction solidly in place, that leaves emotional and mental attraction blowing in the wind. If the woman in question is both emotionally and mentally attracted to the man involved, feelings will eventually be caught. There needs to be some sort of insurmountable red flag so that in a moment of weakness, when the woman involved starts planning their future wedding, she'll promptly get snapped back to reality. "Wait a minute, this dude is a Yankee fan and the whole family, dating back to 1623b.c., are Red Sox die hearts. We're even buried wearing a Red Sox... Heyll naw we can't be together!"

If you can't see what the logic is, well, everything isn't for everybody.

JoycelynC said...

I am glad you admitted to the flashbacks because from what I read so far in the comments, no one is saying it's his fault.  Apparently up to now he felt that people honestly stated what they wanted.  Now whether she was honest at the time or not, she obviously wants something different now and they would be better off going their separate ways as if he stays, she will continue to put the pressure on for a relationship as that is what SHE wants. 

MichelleG said...

I'm answering before I read the comments.

If the young lady is the same age then I'm pretty sure she WAS ok with the arrangement until she wasn't. As someone who was in that same situation at the age I too thought I was GOOD until I finally admitted that I wasn't. Of course at that point the girls jump in with the "he's a dog or he's a fool" & every other sista saying to place all the blame on him but in hindsight I was just as culpable for the blurry lines as he was. The ensuing drama was a life lesson. Some burns you have to get for yourself to remember not to touch the stove.

My advice - stop listening to these old players (in their minds) and wise up. If she's a good woman make that step. If you have enough time to blur the relationship lines with a cocoa buddy then you DO have time to treat her with respect. Your reasons for not wanting a committment are just as tired as the men who told them to me. Don't be that 40 year old trying to navigate the world of younger women with old tricks. If you are absolutely not feeling her that way then let her go with love and accept the blame so she can walk with her dignity. Time & maturity will allow her to eventually see her role in this.

J B said...

And the "Ms. Bougie" tickled me.  :)

Michele said...

I don't believe KJT did anything wrong.  He stated his intentions from jump and that is really all that matters.  It doesn't have to be confusing at all.  Old girl took it upon herself to read more into his actions than were really there.  I do agree that he was being a bit naive to believe her when she said casual is okay.  I haven't met a woman yet (myself included) who didn't catch feelings after a series of above average cocoa-stirring sessions.

Trey Charles said...

Some of you are doing the most with these comments. This is not a socio-political debate on the merits of HnQ/Smash buddies vs committed relationships.

Dude wrote in to ask what he did wrong - the answer is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Abide by the rules that "Unca Jay" set forth below and you'll be okay.

Lady Ngo said...

You've misunderstood me. Im not saying that he should or shouldn't be in a relationship. Im just pointing out the inconsistency that if his only justification for not being in a committed relationship (which is what he was in minus the title and im assuming outside sexual partners since he's so starved for time) is time constraints, then he isn't making a good defense for himself. He's doing everything a boyfriend does but for whatever reason doesn't want the title or just can't see it. Taking her out on dates, courtesy phone calls, cocoa-stirring...all sounds like a relationship to me. All that other stuff (sharing finances, goals, etc) is best left for marriage, IMO.

Had the girl not voiced her concern, this wouldn't even be an issue and he'd still for all intents and purposes be her boyfriend without the title.

GuessImJay said...

Matches GAM's 20 with another

Lady Ngo said...

Im actually a lil disappointed that so many people are trying to say the chick came in with ulterior motives. People catch feelings. It happens, its natural. Doesn't mean she was scheming or plotting on his demise from the moment they met. 

From what i can see, she actually said look...this situation was cool at the beginning but now i want more. If he's not down with that he has the right to say adios. No harm, no foul (though the chick's feelings might be hurt though)

MichelleG said...

Full stop.

If all a man wants is cocoa he does NOT care anything you have to say about current world affairs, your sign, your job or escorting you to a job function. You are NOT that interesting to him. If you were you'd be on the potential wife up list. He can check out that restaurant with his boy and text his cocoa list when he's on his way home in search of a dessert stop. If you want to play the game then know the rules - don't allow yourself to be used and make excuses in search of an exception. If a just a smash took you to dinner its because the girl he really wants was there with another man and he was trying to make a point to HER.

GuessImJay said...

And for the first six months, you two were all stubborn "We're just having fun - nothing serious!"

Mykeia said...

I am on the sideline today...
I am sure that what I am thinking has already been said.
136 comments at 10:30 PST, wow.

Brown Babe said...

OK, so having been "that girl" once upon a time, I'd have to say that I have benefited greatly from a healthy dose of the reality  of hearing & believing what guys actually say and not what I believe they mean - other folks may not have had their serving yet.

That said, speaking from my personal experience while I did believe at the onset that I was OK with FWB status, I was thoroughly confuzzled by the guy who spent a significant amount of time doing boyfriend stuff...in and out the bedroom...and then balked at the point of commitment?!?!? Now if I would've known then what I know now, I would've nipped it in the bud because he'd always SAID he wasn't ready for a relationship, even if his ACTIONS whispered another story in my ear.

From the male point of view, you should always do a periodic check in FWB situations - if it looks/feels/smells/walks/talks like a relationship - chances are she thinks you have or will change your mind.  If you haven't...NIP IT IN THE BUD!!!

MichelleG said...

*like*

Penny said...

Wow, lots of opinions today!   I don't know that I agree that the young lady was lying from jump.  She might have been, might not.  However, I think KJT thought he was clear in verbally communicating what he wanted from his involvement with the young lady. He seems as if thought he was treating her in a decent manner, by not just stirring the cocoa and leaving.  She may have been okay with that at the beginning, but changed her mind as she got to know more about KJT as a person.  Maybe she did lie at the beginning, who's to say.  Whatever was unsaid is now out there-the young lady has clearly stated she is looking for a relationship, and KJT is not.

Now that all the cards are on the table, KJT, just leave that girl alone.  Do the decent thing and tell her (in person, none of that text message, wimp out stuff) that you two want different things, and this is the end of the road.  She might be hurt, but it will be a bigger hurt if you drag this out, or make her think you might consider a relationship with her.  As others said, after the ending, no phone calls, no "what's up" texts, etc. 

JoycelynC said...

KJT, you did nothing wrong, sometimes people just want different things.  Now that you know without a shadow of a doubt that you all are not on the same page, it is best to walk away.  Even if she tries to tell you that she can really be ok with the current arrangement, (assuming you tell her why you are walking away) keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Hopefully when she has calmed, she can see the part she played in this and not just blame you.  As to future 'kicking it buddies' please take heed to the advice of the Bougie brethren on this as they have laid out the rules of engagement.  Also, make sure you know for yourself what you want so that you don't began providing boyfriend treatment to a fun-buddy in the future. 

suebhoney said...

@ CaliEdGirl, my sentiments exactky.

Natasha Hunter said...

Hehehe @ the Eric Williams voice... : )

rochee said...

Most of these other comments have captured my sentiments, but I will give my two cents anyway. 

1) It is not impossible to have casual sex with the same person over and over again without someone catching feeling, but it is RARE as hell. Someone almost always catches feelings. I have been in situations where I set out to have a "casual sexual relationship" and became confused as to what my actual feelings were for the person. Sex confuses relationships. 

2) Men and women BOTH have issues with catching feelings after sex (this isn't just about women getting sensitive and getting their feelings hurt). The nature of sex is EXTREMELY intimate. Two human beings are merging their bodies. A man enters a woman. That is some serious sh*t. Call me a prude, but I think people treat sex too damn casually in the first place. 

3) I agree with everyone who said that if you plan on having a casual sexual relationship, don't do all the extra stuff. Extra stuff: cuddling, watching movies together, going out, meeting each others friends etc. etc. Don't blur the lines. 

The_A said...

Yes, I know women can & are encouraged to romanticize the heck out of even the most platonic situations. Btw ladies, stop that Disney princess Cosmo foolishness!

However, there is something in his description w/ no mention of the other people they are seeing & have been seen with that just gives me a reason to question. A surefire litmus test for him is if he gets upset inside when another brother steps up with a fresh basket of biscuits for her.

I'm not saying I'm right. I'm saying it is something for him to think about.

If he isn't catching feelings for her, then he should definitely bounce & don't look back with all the good advice his Unca Jay posted below.

Mina B. said...

When I first read this comment I thought- "but who's blaming the dude?" CLEARLY this was her first FWB rodeo b/c she said she felt like a slut so she wasn't just catching feelings, she wasn't being honest with herself, and he needs to learn the rules if he is going to "kick it". Then I came back a few hrs later....dude has been called lazy, tired, wanting to eat his cake, and told that he is lying about what he has time for!!

La said...

You know what, you are absolutely right. I don't know that this young lady went into it expecting anything over and beyond what it was in the start and it isn't fair to assume so.

And thanks for the blog love =)

Think P. Smart said...

It's true.  The woman who can do it shouldn't be trusted because she's either an emotionless brick, crazy or both.  Either way, his food will end up with shards of glass in it.  I'm trying to save this young man's life.

La said...

Completely agreed. But I think maybe we have 2 different ideas of what exactly was going on with KJT here. To me, his situation sounds like they agreed on a FwB situation, which I have known to include dates and deep convo and for some people even vacations together. It doesn't sound like they agreed to just a Jump Off deal, which is much closer to what you're saying. That is why I said he might not have been reading deeper into any of their interactions.

taut_7 said...

exactly. i knew the blame game was going to surface sooner or later. i guess it goes with the territory. 

taut_7 said...

oh i'm not saying there's anything wrong with her changing his mind but what i am saying is that they both went into this knowing exactly what it was. now that she had a change of heart there's nothing wrong with him moving on. and no one should look at him any type of way for doing so.

taut_7 said...

and when will women understand that we're going to take you for your word? we use logic. if you say you can handle a certain type of relationship then we'll believe that. i personally don't have time to try to dissect what your heart might feel months down the road. you know you better than i do. say what you mean and mean what you say.

blackprofessor said...

Jubilance, we are here for everything you said!

blackprofessor said...

Kindergarten, try pre-school!!!

blackprofessor said...

No, that 95% number is too high! It isn't as dichotomous as you think.  Some women find themselves in FWB situations for various reasons. I have done the FWB situation after my first love broke my heart because I only wanted cocoa, nothing else.  I consider myself "girlfriend/wife" more than anything else but at that time, I wasn't feeling that and didn't mind having a jumpoff let alone being one.  

blackprofessor said...

And there it is!

Rob said...

I can make it very simple - Relationships are hard, even when you plan for them to be easy.
You won't always understand what happened and neither will she.
One rule though - Checkpoint Conversation once a month. 7 weeks is too long to think something hasn't shifted. It doesn't have to be complicated just a simple "I'm still enjoying myself as we are, how about you?"
This does not mean she (or you) won't wake up one day and want to switch it up. But at least you can make a decision knowing you played straight the whole way through.

C Nelson said...

You didn't do a thing wrong, she just changed her mind, or she woke up and realised she wanted more than she started out wanting. Or more than she thought she wanted. It happens. If you still don't want what she wants, wish her well and let her go. If you're feeling the loss, though, consider that you were practically acting the boyfriend part already -- short of planning for a future, there ain't much more to it than where you've already been.

AnnettePearl said...

Why does it seem, reading through the comments like some people just have to assign blame. No harm no foul. What you do next though? That's the thing...

William Martin said...

Hey, what's everybody...
*looks around*
Oh.
*backs out slowly*

Singlelif said...

Ionno, KJT - Keep in mind I'm writing this straight out the gate, and havent read any of the previous comments, but it  sounds like you were getting a little (alot) comfortable with ole girl yourself, until she tried to lock you down as her for real "boo thang".   In most womens mind, especially the younger women,  all that extra stuff you were doing points to us being more than just "booty buddies".

Although I don't think you did anything wrong per se, the next time you decide you want a steady FWB,  don't take so long to reiterate your "we're just "humpin' buddies position", and dont do all the extra stuff.  Dates, daily calls, texts, emails, etc., can easily be misinterpreted to mean that you are actually invested emotionally in the other person.

Someone once told me that all  "men need is a place to have sex, women need a reason.."

Singlelif said...

La, I remember one of your blog posts about this very same issue...

Annette Evans said...

I have to agree; being this young (22),  the young man should NOT be trying to deal with a serious relationship yet; just remember, don't lead the girls on if you are not ready for the committment.  Sex is serious business, and if you don't treat it as such, you will get treated in the end. Watch the movie, "It's a thin line". Believe me,  everybody is not wrapped tight, so be truthful, and don't play with people's emotions.

CaliGirlED said...

*drops mine in behind Andrea*

CaliGirlED said...

Real talk Joy! *drops mine in*

CaliGirlED said...

LMAO!!!

GammasWorld said...

I can't get past this baby saying "back in the day" -- y'all handle it.  I gots nuthin

Brneyed1 said...

*adds another $20*

Brneyed1 said...

You should have this printed on wallet-sized cards and hand them out to "young bucks" on the street...

tiffanyinhouston said...

Welp, there's no need for me to leave a comment now! Class is dismissed!

sunt97 said...

Umm how did he not think this was going to eventually happen.  Yeah we always say as women that we can "stir the cocoa" and move on but after a while the "cocoa" get to us and we want it all the time.  Constant access and we don't want anyone else partaking of our "cocoa".

Peace, Love and Chocolate,
Tiffany

Veronica Miller said...

So I WAS going to comment, but my light-skinnded Twitter twin said it all for me.


*cat daddys away....*

GDB said...

Bounce from her and don't look back, unless she's the love of your life. If she's the love of your life, then put her on the program but take things slow.

Angela said...

I already "liked" your comment when it was first posted. However, after reading through the subsequent comments, I felt a strong need to come back and "love" it:-)

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