Monday, June 06, 2011

Who is to blame for infidelity? The first of three topics to kill dead


Since it seems that a public figure gets outed for cheating (usually flagrantly) every other darn day, people get caught up guessing and pontificating on the "why" of it all. Why did he cheat? Why did he cheat on her? Why was he so stupid as to get caught? And then, inevitably... someone decides to assign blame and fault. Often, there's a underlying "what wasn't he getting at home" vibe that sneaks in. This leads to various and sundry people listing all the things a woman must do to keep her man from cheating.

Guess what? None of them work. A man who wants to cheat is going to cheat. Same thing with an unfaithful woman. At some point, they make a decision and they go for it. I don't care if you are dipping yourself in chocolate sprinkles and swinging from the chandelier with a cherry on top... if a person decides to step out - they are stepping.

No it doesn't matter if you are finer, richer, better-looking, more accomplished, more freaky-deaky, more acquiescent,  more attentive... sorry. It just doesn't matter. That's the God's honest truth. Trust me, I know of what I speak on this topic.

Let's take (if we must) Maria Shriver and Arnold. There's some question about whether she really thought he was going to straighten up his womanizing ways when she married him but we don't know what the nature of their relationship expectations truly were. We do know Maria damn sure didn't expect that he'd be stirring the latte with their housekeeper without protection at the exact same time he was impregnating her. And we can feel very safe in assuming she did not preapprove him procreating outside of the marriage. This is one case where we know he was clearly being "handled" at home at the same time he decided to step out.

I don't want to get into what he was looking for. Who gives a damn? My point is this - there is no magic way to stop a man or woman from cheating on you if they so chose. You can't detach their private parts and lock it away when you're not there. You can't stalk them 24/7 to see what (who) they are into. And you damn sure can't sex them into compliance.

Stop telling women they need to be subservient, size six Superwomen who will perform circus sex acts on demand. Stop telling men they need to be paid, six-packed Mandingos who remember your favorite flower, perfume and shoe size. All of that is great... yet still provides no guarantee against being cheated on.

Here's what you can do -
1) Don't enter into relationships with known repeat Cheating McCheatersons
2) Understand supply & demand. If you are with someone requiring cocoa at frequent, regular intervals; plan accordingly.
3) Don't test the fidelity just to see what happens
4) Communicate
5) Be joyful in the cocoa stirring
Not saying any of that is a guarantee but it can't hurt. There's this great line in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof where the mama tells her daughter-in-law "When a marriage goes on the rocks, the rocks are right there." The daughter-in-law (played by Elizabeth Taylor) says, "Well that's not fair." And it's really not. Sometimes you don't see the rocks, someone just took the ship and ran right up into them, damn the consequences.

So I'm deading that "blame game" conversation right here. There is no magic bullet. There is no special formula. There is no set sequence of events and activities that insures that your mate won't stray. Let's stop assuming that we can pinpoint the moment when it goes to hell in a handbasket. Until we're invited in, let's just get out of grown folks' business, shall we? The one thing we can all agree on - Cheating sucks.

Thoughts, comments, insights?

155 comments:

Page Bartlett said...

Wow! I was just talking about this with someone on Friday. A guy in the office said that Maria Shriver must suck in bed so Arnie went looking for a little spice. I went off! We don't know that. Arnie could be the type to have a five course meal at home and sneak out looking for Spam. Who knows?

FreeBlackMan said...

I've been cheated on once. I asked why, she said 'to see if I cared' :-/
I've cheated once. Just because I could and was young and stupid.
Nothing anyone could do about either of those. 

JustPassingBy said...

Chele always comes back from a break like "POW!"
Do you all just think cheating is inevitable? It's going to happen sooner or later to everybody?

Alvin Milton said...

Poignant commentary. I agree nothing you do can make a guy or woman stay... they have to want to do it.
My follow up question is:

Is cheating inevitable?

and if so then whats the point? I wonder if there is a such thing as being truly happy in a relationship or is it like a farce... sort of like:

Lets see how long we can keep this up...

Alvin Milton said...

I didn't read your comment before I asked the same question... but it seems so to be honest...

tishatweets said...

It does suck. It is also selfish and irresponsible. What it never is, IMO, is the fault of the person who got cheated on. This is because your premise is absolutely true. Each of us can pick someone who, in our minds, is the pinnacle. I mean the pure dee prototype you hear me? And guess what?

They can get cheated on, too.

Because it has nothing to do with you and what you're doing or not doing at home. It has everything to do with the resolve of the person you've entered into exclusivity with. Of they resolve that they will leave you before they cheat on you then that's what you'll get. If they resolve that they should have what they want when they want it, they'll cheat because they feel they "deserve it."

You, the "cheatee" really have nothing to do with it. Hard for our egos to accept, but it's truth, no matter how many times the cheater begins a sentence with "well of you woulda just...."

Don't believe the hype. #nopublicenemy

Jubilance said...

I absolutely detest the argument/idea that the person who is cheated on must have been lacking in some way & thus "deserving" of being cheated on. NEGATIVE.

I don't necessarily agree that once a cheater, always a cheater. A person can cheat once & realize how horrible it is & never do it again. For me, this isn't a hard & fast rule, but certainly I'd think twice about dealing with someone who has never been faithful in any of their relationships.

Lady Ngo said...

I agree with you a 100%. The only person that can control whether or not cheating will happen is the (potential) cheater him/herself! And thats why i personally blame society and the cheater. Society because we breed men believing that whole "its in a man's nature to roam the bush". And the cheater because unless they were forced, they made a conscious decision (which i thoroughly discussed on my own blog) to do what they did. 

As for cheating being inevitable. Not necessarily. Not everyone cheats.

Sarah said...

Fortunately, there hasn't been any cheating in the relationships I've been in to my knowledge. But I suppose I might not have known. I've told the men I've been with that I wasn't going to give 2nd chances. If they wanted to be with somebody else, they needed to break up with me and then go do whatever. The last boyfriend's younger sister said to me once "all men cheat." This was in the middle of a conversation about her going/staying with her husband who was a chronic cheater. I think it is safe to assume she was trying to make herself feel better. I told her that if her brother cheated on me, then that was it for us and she gave me that "you don't know what you're talking about" look. Uh huh. Her brother, though, was convinced I was seeing another man and used to pop in/pop by/call etc. to check up on me. Sitting here thinking about it makes me tired. Why do people cause so much misery in their lives and the lives of those around them? It was a rhetoric question. I'm not expecting an answer. Good luck to all of you out there in relationships. I hope they are good ones full of trust and love and friendship.

Paul on Ice said...

I'm not ready to make cheating like death and taxes - you know it's coming sooner or later. There are people out there who don't (and won't) cheat. The key is finding them.

JohnKinPDX said...

I had to jump in early on this topic. One of the hardest things (for me) about being cheated on was getting past the "why?" portion. Honestly (and this is JohnK ego talking) it was incomprehensible to me that someone would cheat on me.  I was doing "all the right things" or so I thought. Really, who would want to cheat on me? Aren't I the gold standard? Or as my grandmother used to say "Ain't good peoples?"

The only way to get past it is to decide that it may not have been about you. What you said or didn't say, what you did or didn't do very well could have had nothing to do with why the other made the decision to stray. All I can do is be me and do my best in any relationship I enter into. Trying to stay in someone else head would be exhausting.

Wait, what was the question? I could go in all day. Cheating is like a head cold. You can avoid it, plan against it and pay attention to warning signs but it's random and sometime it hits you and lays you low. Nothing to do but recover and keep it moving.

tishatweets said...

I don't think it's inevitable. I think the temptation itself might be, but certainly not the act. I also believe the "farce factor," if you will, is real in these dating streets. That said, I don't think every relationship faces that eventuality. It's about the people in the relationship. There can indeed be two grown-ups in a longstanding relationship where there is honesty, trust, mutual respect and genuine love and friendship of both parties want it that way AND--this is key--don't settle for less.

mutemia said...

*grabs popcorn and pen for the many BougieTales, zingers, and insights
that are going to come out and possibly  somebody showing their behind. Well put. Especially, the part about its not the s.o.'s fault if the other strays.  Also its not the person they cheated with fault either. Now if you know the person has an s.o. or even purposefully try to seduce them you get the permanent side eye and I don't want you anywhere around me. But its still not their fault because the other person has to make the conscious choice to cheat.
  To be honest, cheating seems like the ultimate break down in communication, basically you couldn't be arsed to tell the person I don't care enough about you, that you want out of the relationship, or I want to have my cake and eat it too. As for me I've never been in relationship, but for me cheating while we're in a relationship is a dealbreaker. Now, if I was dating a guy and he mentioned cheating on an ex, admittedly my sensors would  go up. However,  if he was open, honest, remorseful and took full responsibility for his actions that in and of itself would not be dealbreaker. Finally, what would another deal breaker is admitting  you had the chance to cheat on me but didn't. It irks me to no end when I hear stories about how people's s.o. told them they could have cheated on them but didn't. Do you want a cookie for doing the right thing and will you cheat on me if I don't give you the right response i.e. buttering them up? LOL for someone who's never dealt with this I have a lot of feelings on the subject.

CaliGirlED said...

This.right.here!!!

CaliGirlED said...

I think the key is being truly happy with yourself. This means that regardless of your situation or circumstance, you remain happy and true to yourself. If you are a person who despises cheating, you mostly likely will not regardless of what your S.O. does or does not do. I'm not a cheater, therefore even when I was cheated on, I didn't cheat. When I wasn't happy with my S.O.s, I didn't cheat. But that's just silly ol' me! *shrugs*

CaliGirlED said...

 I could copy and paste this as my comment! Very well said John!

rozb said...

The person responsible for cheating - the cheater.

The main reason for cheating? IMHO - greed. Won't let go of the sure and absolute thing, but wants to sample a little of this, a little of that...The person being cheated on may be doing everything correct, but the cheater takes the chance feeling that the SO will always be there ready for them.

Now if you are being cheated on, and you allow it - you will continue to be disrespected. The cheater holds most of the responsibility, but after the SO finds out and still allows this behavior, well - you will put yourself in a no-win situation, and can bear some of the responsibility. It ain't right, but it is what it is.

And...no matter how beautiful, handsome, wealthy, talented, generous, or awesome the SO is, a cheater who always wants more will always cheat. No such thing as a cheat-proof person. If that were true, they could bottle it, sell it, and make a fortune! Just know what you want, establish the boundaries, and be prepared to leave if boundaries are breached.

Pure Choco said...

So (not to be controversial) but you don't think there's anything to the concept that one person can kinda push the other person to cheat? My brother was married to a woman who just turned evil and quit having sex with him at all. It had been 14 months. Finally he cheated. She gets no blame for that?

Bethany Showell said...

At the simplest root of it all, I think cheating is the cheater's fault.  Regardless of who's offering what and who should be doing this and not that, the question is "Should you or shouldn't you cheat?" In past relationships when my mind may have started to wander I knew it was time to get out so I did.  I'm in my head way too much to have that on my conscience. 

When meeting someone, cheating is always in the conversation.  If that person admits they've cheated in the past, I'm done.  Period. 

Alvin Milton said...

I agree 100% on being happy with yourself first before trying to bring someone into your life. Its also key to know who you are and what you want in the first place. That way I think, its easier to stay level headed when you end up having to kick that S.O. to the curb for fooling around.

Alvin Milton said...

Settling for less is never an option. I'm into beautiful over achievers. 

I feel like when you date enough people, its easier to hone in on attributes that you desire. Problem is we are all human and deal with all kinds of emotions, influences, desires etc. So even if you end up with who you think you wanted to end up with, things can go south sooner or later (which is why I asked is it inevitable).

It just seems very much a gamble. Either you get in the game and play your position to the best of your ability or you sit on the sidelines and say what you would do better if you were in the game...

Grace said...

I think that's an extreme situation definitely. But my question would be instead of cheating, why not just leave?

CaliGirlED said...

Cheating is for cheaters. Being a cheater is a characteristic, that's personal, internal. If you're not a cheater, and you try it, more than likely that will be the only time you do it.  If I go into a crack house, I'm not going to smoke crack because I'm not a drug user. But if I hang around there long enough, I might try it just to get a little taste, thinking I won't become addicted. I don't underestimate the power of the drug and it's environment, therefore I don't put myself in that position. Using that analogy, never assume that because you are not a "cheater" that you can't get caught up in a life changing experience with someone.

Ex: A friend of mine was going to have a business lunch with a man she knew was very interested in her, and she wasn't going to tell her husband about it because she knew he would be upset. I told her to either not to go to the lunch, or tell her husband about it. I didn't see any other options.

I always say, "If you're doing something that you have to hide from your S.O., then you are setting yourself up for disaster."

CaliGirlED said...

 AMEN!!!

CaliGirlED said...

"...admitting  you had the chance to cheat on me but didn't." Don't get me started on this! I classify this as UNI (unnecessary information). Am I supposed to shout "Hallelujah" because you shared this with me? I.think.not.

CaliGirlED said...

In total agreement with Grace on this one! Yes she was wrong for withholding, that is ultimate GAME FAIL. But he was wrong for cheating. In my opinion, he should have divorced her.

Alvin Milton said...

I personally would just leave rather than cheat. Life is too short for all of that.
Also I gotta question the "evil = no sex for x amount of time".
It more than likely was something else if your brother's wife wasn't interested in sex for that amount of time... I mean... did she have a baby or something? Menopause? Did he cheat? 

Jesse said...

You know what would be helpful? A relationship resume. Like on a job app, if you've been fired from your last three gigs, employers know to look at you sideways. On a relationship resume, if you have cheated on your last 2 (3, 4, 5?) partners then I know what I'm working with. You have no reference to recommend you? Okay then

Penny said...

Very insightful (as well as helpful.)

CaliGirlED said...

Love this!!! LOL

JaymeC said...

Too many reasons to count. There may be kids, a business, real estate involved and it's not as easy to pack a bag roll out. Then there's the "maybe we can work it out" mindset. Then people start thinking "well, everything else in the marriage works besides the cocoa so I'll just get that part froms somewhere else" - believe me it can get crazy.

Also, there is a school of thought (not saying I agree with it) that the woman had pretty much already left the marriage if she had shut down like this so is he really cheating at that point? The lines get grey. This is why I agree with Chele about not assuming we know the circumstances.

JaymeC said...

*jumps to feet in standing ovation*
Successful, attractive men have the hardest time accepting infidelity. As you said, they believe they've "done everything right" and can't conceive of why they weren't enough. It's hard to tell a man who is used to being in control that he had no control over this situation.

You are sounding better than half the people I counsel who have not gone through what you have! Good for you!

SingLikeSassy said...

THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS right here!

taut_7 said...

i agree 100%. people cheat because they want to. no other explanation is necessary. 

taut_7 said...

you know what would happen then? people would lie like they do on regular resumes or they would embellish. sanitary engineer? no you're a trash man. 

Jubilance said...

He still had a choice, & frankly he took the easy way out. He could have just walked away from a marriage that wasn't working.

CaliGirlED said...

Regardless of the circumstances or reasons, cheating is wrong. I have never cheated. Will I ever cheat? I don't think so, I hope not, but I can't say NEVER because I don't know. But even if in my "justified state of mind" I do cheat, I will be wrong. Not because of what I would have done to the other person, who I will feel deserved it, because of what I would have done to myself. Allowing someone to change one of my core values. I don't stand in judgment of those who cheat, because we all do some sort of wrong. I have relatives and friends, both male and female, who have cheated (are cheating), they are wrong, and I still love them. Like Roz said, it is what it is.

SingLikeSassy said...

Cheating. Hm. Y'all know where I fall on this right here. Can I just say, soon-to-be-ex-husband?

But, let me tell you a story about one of my best friends. Me and this dude go wayyyyyyy back. We went to college together, we've worked at two newspapers together. I was one of 15 people at his wedding. Anyway, he was seriously dating a young lady he had been dating since college. I loved her and loved them together. Then one day he and I had a talk. He was going to break up with her. WHAT?? HUH? WHY?! He said that he loved her but more and more he was feeling like straying and he didn't want to cheat on her and hurt her like that because, she deserved better than that. They broke up. He went out and whored around as he was now free to do.

The moral to this story is MOFOS HAVE CHOICES. You don't have to cheat and betray the trust of someone you are supposed to love and respect. Yes, it's hard. Yes, maybe you could do it and get away with it. But a person with some damn character will do the right thing.

That is all.

JaymeC said...

I taught a premarital class where a man had told his fiance that as long as she performed a specific act on him once day, he wouldn't cheat. And she believed him. Needless to say, we set the both of them straight.

GrownAzzMan said...

"I don't care if you are dipping yourself in chocolate sprinkles and swinging from the chandelier with a cherry on top..."

I am not saying this would work 100% but it's worth a try...LOL

OneChele said...

#TeamBackgroundCheck

SingLikeSassy said...

John we are here >.< I put much effort into being a great wife. MUCH effort. I did not want to be divorced. Ever. And this is my reward? Really??

But, like you, I learned that it had nothing to do with me. I could have done nothing and this would have happened because that's what he wanted to do. That's his stuff. I will continue to work on MY stuff and remain open to the love I want and deserve.

taut_7 said...

like before a first date? or periodically as you start dating? 

William Martin said...

People make a conscious decision to get their cheat on. You don't accidentally slip and fall rhythmically and repeatedly into a woman while naked. Unless your S/O gave you permission to indulge in these sorts of shenanigans, how is anyone finger pointing at them? SMDH.

OneChele said...

When it looks like it's getting serious. I hate surprises. Plus over 15 years in HR...

Andrea M said...

"rhythmically and repeatedly" <--- *fans self*
What are we talking about? Oh yeah, cheating is bad. Don't do it.

Andrea M said...

"rhythmically and repeatedly" <--- *fans self*
What are we talking about? Oh yeah, cheating is bad. Don't do it.

taut_7 said...

ok i guess that's acceptable. as long as you aren't pulling credit reports. 

Andrea M said...

Please tell me she was young. Who still falls for a "BJ a day keeps the hoochies away"?

Andrea M said...

MOFOS HAVE CHOICES.
^
That. Is. All.

maureen palmer said...

Maria Shrive gave a commencement speech in which she said "superwoman might be dead, but superman is popping viagra. Was it a premonition? I do not know. I  bring this up to underscore  your point; there is not darn thing you can do when your s.o decides  to step  out on  you.
A family member that  cheated told me, he cheated  b.c he could and  decided  to do it.
As someone who has been cheated on , that  s&*^% hurts. I wish folk would be upfront  like SinglikeSassy's friend and state their intentions.

Andrea M said...

Ummkay putting a padlock on the punanny is one way to strain the relationship but discussions and counseling and a whole bunch of stuff needs to happen prior to stepping out.

Andrea M said...

I don't think once a cheat always a cheater but I think a serial cheater is a serial cheater.

Andrea M said...

I think it's entirely possible to be truly happy in a relationship. But I also think people need to be realistic about the rigors of long-term commitment. It ain't for everybody. It's not a fairy tale or a rom-com. There are going to be ups and downs. If one isn't the sort to deal with the downs, it's hard on everybody.

maureen palmer said...

This reminds of an articl I read on Wapo; how could Eric Benet cheat on Halle Berry? She is beautiful, and the list went on.  The comments on that article were epic.

SingLikeSassy said...

I don't invite anyone I'm dating to my house without a background check. You'll never make me a cautionary tale. Hmph.

SingLikeSassy said...

I got stuck right there too for a minute. LOL!

maureen palmer said...

"Sometimes you don't see the rocks, someone just took the ship and ran right up into them, damn the consequences" ,---- THIS. RIGHT. HERE.

CaliGirlED said...

I hope she also understood that this applied to any future, "If you do, then I will do" antics he may try to pull! SMH

CaliGirlED said...

DEAD!!!

Mykeia said...

Good Monday morning!  OneChele you always start out with a shocker for the week.
Infidelity.
My best friend cheated on her husband and now they are divorced; she was to blame wasn't happy at home and did not communicate this to her spouse.  Cheating was a deal breaker for him as it is for most people.
Arnold, he is a cold piece...that's all that I can say about him.
Infidelity is a subject that you must discuss at some point in your relationship, it is very important to know where people stand, in addition define the word cheating in your relationship.  Flirting, drinks, touch, email, facebook, a kiss...define with your partner.
I will be reading ALL the comments today, this is a touchy subject for some.

Troy said...

Please repeat and print in bold print. People think it's all flowers and freaky-deaky, then when they find out its fights over Scrubbing bubbles and who forgot to buy ketchup, they want to get salty.

CaliGirlED said...

 "...rhythmically and repeatedly...", like Andrea I lost my train of thought for a minute!

Doc being all subliminal and stuff so early in the morning! Gotta watch those sneaky smart ones! LOL

Trey Charles said...

Had this one woman tell me that having phone/fb/virtual sex with various men wasn't cheating. Really ma'am?
She said it was the equivalent of men watching porn.
**crickets**
That relationship didn't work out.

Court A said...

I am so team background checks. Save yourself a lot of drama. People lie. A lot.

thinklikeRiley said...

Ratchetassness is a life choice, not a genetic trait.

Jubilance said...

I'm mad she tried to rationalize that nonsense & actually thought you would believe it. Seriously?

But that does highlight an interesting point - different ppl define cheating differently. And their definition often depends on what they wanna do with other ppl, and what they've experienced in the past. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot, she wouldn't be cool with her SO doing some virtual cocoa stirring...

Deb B said...

Someone said below that these sorts of things have to be communicated and defined. I have to agree.

CaliGirlED said...

We can always count on you to be short and to the point! Love it!

CaliGirlED said...

Wow, she tried that jedi mind ish for real!

rozb said...

"...slip and fall rhythmically and repeatedly..." Sounds like somebody is trying to do too much while naked wearing socks on a newly-polished floor. :/

mutemia said...

 The only think I think of is that Chris Rock skit. That's what's you're supposed to do you low expectation having ninja.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

When I think of the high profile cheaters, I don't know what pisses me off more - the cheating, or the lying to cover the cheating. Between John Edwards paying off folks to claim his love child ('for the sake of his ailing wife', my @$$!) all the way to Arnie hiding his own outside baby for over a decade AND having his sidepiece working at the house right in front of his wife till just this year (da hayle?!), all it does is make it even worse for their partner (and for them!) when the shiggity hits the fan. >_<

Cassie said...

I think this is part of the bigger trend where women are being fed the BS that men are an endangered commodity to be snapped up and kept by any means necessary. If he cheats, supposedly that's a reflection that the woman wasn't doing the most to keep him.

In your words Chele - I rebuke the entire concept.

Joy Andrews said...

Amen sister!

Joy Andrews said...

I hope they fry John Edwards' ass! Maybe Liz will send down a lightning bolt.

Joy Andrews said...

This is that old okey-doke.

Joy Andrews said...

Stories like this floor me. Men are kinda clueless, unless you tell them you are unhappy and why, how are they supposed to know? And how are they supposed to fix it?

Joy Andrews said...

YouTube?

JojoRaze said...

*shakes tambourine vigorously*

Joy Andrews said...

Now, if we combine this image with Wil's rhythmic repetition....

The_A said...

anything that you would not do in the presence/knowledge of your partner & with their willful permission is cheating including the entertainment of thoughts, the words you speak & what you chose to do

Love is a serious investment risk & a moving target. True love cannot exist without risking your own vulnerability. Yet benefits of true love far outweigh the risks. If the relationship is not worth the worst case scenario risk, get out now & don't look back

If it is, I mean really really is, then humble yourself to do everything you can to protect, nurture & maintain it

Joy Andrews said...

I was all set to object but this actually makes sense. Food for thought.

JojoRaze said...

But even then, shady happens; I'm recalling  Mr 6' 9" who had a child and didn't tell you. My motto is singleness is bliss.

Joy Andrews said...

Not comparing myself to Halle Berry but when my former whatever very publicly cheated on me; everybody was like "Why would anyone want to cheat on you?" I guess they mean it as a compliment but it doesn't really help. Not at all.

Joy Andrews said...

What's the saying? One is a mistake, two is a trend?

Joy Andrews said...

I hope not.

Joy Andrews said...

DEAD at the Spam reference.

CaliGirlED said...

I thought about SixNine as well. Some folks are just experts in their ratchedassness!!!

CaliGirlED said...

Daggumit Joy!!! 

CaliGirlED said...

Whyyyyy are you sooooo retarded!!! LMAO

CaliGirlED said...

Trey did you end it right after this, or did you stick around for a little more cocoa? Just curious...

CaliGirlED said...

The lying to cover the cheating is worse to me. Because then they're really playing you for stupid!

CaliGirlED said...

*writes out a check to put in offering plate*

The_A said...

@MarketWatch















Great words of wisdom, “risk is payment for a chance to reach our aspirations.” http://bit.ly/m7M4Vy

blackprofessor said...

Welcome back, Chele! As usual, Bougieland has covered it in that cheating is about the cheater! 


My bottom line is this - If you have a laundry list of things that I have to do to keep you faithful, we aren't meant to be together. Your moral compass can't lie in my hands and if it does, you aren't the one for me.
 

blackprofessor said...

No, I don't think cheating is inevitable.  Everyone doesn't cheat even thought they have the option to do so.  If this were something inevitable then most if not all people would do it. 

blackprofessor said...

I say once is an anomaly, twice is a pattern!

David Chase said...

I agree there's no "cheat-proofing" available. But I also think that a lot of it comes with who you pick in the first place. People can change up on you but like a house, you have to start with a good foundation. In a good neighborhood. I was going somewhere with this analogy.
Just know what you got.

blackprofessor said...

I can't believe she thought this would work! 

blackprofessor said...

Did she communicate her unhappiness to him? How was he supposed to know what was going on with her?

blackprofessor said...

This should be on a t-shirt!

blackprofessor said...

Caligirl,
This is what I detest! Don't play like I am stupid when you know I am not! 

slimjackson said...

This is one of those posts where I really wanna say something insightful and meaningful, but I'm left just cosigning and saying I agree 100%!

maureen palmer said...

Eloquently stated. Amen & Amen!

CaliGirlED said...

 "Your moral compass can't lie in my hands..." Stop the damn press! THIS.RIGHT.HERE. is the EVERYTHING!!!

Cynthia Johnson said...

And let the church say Amen!

CaliGirlED said...

I know where you were going and it was good. I definitely take some responsibility dating and staying with the jerks that cheated on me. And once they showed me who they were and I "hung in there" anyway, it was all on me. If the foundation is cracked, eventually the house will sink.

rozb said...

I have been there, done that, and have t-shirts, Cali. But now, I won't even entertain the thought...

Man's World said...

^^What he said.

NotPopularbutTrue said...

I know this may not be popular but I do think so people conduct themselves in such a way that they almost deserve to be cheated on.

Sasha in Stilettos said...

What kind of way IS that exactly?

Rob said...

*brakes screeching* Uhhhhh there's no such thing.

Rob said...

I see where you were going. I was going to do a similar thing about planting your garden in fertile soil instead of scorched earth but it just came out sounding smarmy. *fist bump*

OneChele said...

This statement confuses me on so many levels. If your s/o is behaving in ways you do not approve of :
1) Call them on it
2) Seriously, call them on it
3) Leave

I mean even if the person has cheated on you, I have to fall back on ye olde "two wrongs don't make a right."

Am I missing something deep that you are trying to say? 

CaliGirlED said...

Not even for a second. Next!

CaliGirlED said...

That would have been good too Rob!

CaliGirlED said...

Huh???...Almost deserved it? So since they almost deserved it, does the S.O. get to cheat anyway? Rhetorical, please don't answer.

mutemia said...

 COSIGNED

blackprofessor said...

Huh what??  This comment is dripping with immaturity!  It isn't anyone's job to decide what another grown individual "deserves" regardless of how ratchet their behavior has been. As Chele stated below, you don't like how they are handling the relationship, LEAVE.

Salt Water said...

{Delurking} You're most likely just hearing his side of the story.  Isn't it possible that something your brother did instigated the evilness and sex withholding?

Many men who cheat demonize their spouses as justification for their behavior. No one wants to be the bad guy.{Relurking}

SingLikeSassy said...

GTFOOHWTBS.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

"but I do think so people conduct themselves in such a way that they almost deserve to be cheated on."

If it gets to that point, then bounce. Cut ties. Burn that bridge. Why continue in a broken relationship AND drag in a 3rd party?

Mykeia said...

It was was a mess!  Just a mess.  They did the counseling and he was like you are not into the counseling, why are we here...She really did not tell him how to fix too much...she had to tell him that she cheated because he had came home and said, "I met so and so today and they said they know you from Bob..." She felt trapped told him a few days later.  It was a wrap...her dad told her you'll never find a good guy like him again and your life is going to be hard now that you're a single working mom...then her dad died a few weeks later.  Just a mess.  She's still single and sad that her cheating had to be the last conversations that she had with her dad.

Mykeia said...

Please see above reply.

Bethany Showell said...

Say what now?  Um...

Bunni said...

"...Cheating is like a head cold. You can avoid it, plan against it and pay attention to warning signs but it's random and sometime it hits you and lays you low. Nothing to do but recover and keep it moving..."  This is some truth right here!  PREACH IT!!!

MariSol said...

In light of the Weiner presser, we can totally blame him right? Do you think this is just tip of the iceberg?

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

E! used to have a show called 'Diary of an Affair', where real people talked about the effects affairs had on their relationships. One ex-husband (bless his dumb soul) thought confessing to his affair would make things worse. *side-eye* Mind you, this was AFTER side-piece called the wife, told the wife that she was handling her husband's business AND described every inch of their apartment in detail - even down to the bed linen pattern that was in use at the time. He kept denying when Wife threw him out, and he kept up the lie when they were in their first day of marriage counseling. It was pretty much the marriage's last chance, and he blew it - telling the counselor that he has no idea what she (Wife) was talking about. Wife more or less said, "Eff this!", took their baby, and got a lawyer.

It only dawned on him THEN that maybe lying his butt off in the face of all that damning evidence wasn't the best thing he could have done. =_=; Dumb ****.

OneChele said...

No pun intended, right? Anywho, I think when you get up and admit to something like this it's generally to cover up other crimes and misdemeanors. But that's my cynicism talking. Sure we can blame him for this mess, who else?

Brandon St.Randy said...

And right on cue: #Weinergate! What do you do when your spouse of less than a year is going ham on FB and twitter? And does it matter that he supposedly never met the women or actually had sex with them?

C Nelson said...

I always snort whenever I see one of those lists of ways women must act in order to keep a man. If you have to be "kept", I'm not the one to keep you. Do you see any pets in my house? No, you do not. What I'm after is the one who stays willingly and with full knowledge that the door is open if he ever changes his mind -- no sneaking out or around necessary.

OneChele said...

That would be a tough one for me to get over. IF "all" he did was send pics, I might try and get past it. Something tells me there more to this though.

CaliGirlED said...

Wow!!!

CaliGirlED said...

No Sir!!! Too late!

CaliGirlED said...

Those lists never work for me because I'm not competitive. If you tell me something you need from me that is different or new, we can talk. If you tell me something you need from me to keep you from going to her, hope you guys will be happy together.

aishao1122 said...

thank you!!! i'm so tired of "well if she didn't look so tired all the time, and took care of herself he wouldn't have to look outside" O_o side eye from hell with that. All I should ever have to be is me, if I'm no longer what floats your boat let me know so we can dead this and move on, 'cause I'm not down for running around and worrying about my health. I'm not stalking, crying chasing ANYONE Not. Going To Happen.

Nicole said...

And now one of the side-pieces,er, recipeints of the tweets/FB/e-mails and IM talmbout it to the media??? Aw hecky naw!!!! Mrs. Weiner would do well to realize that she did not have much of a marriage in the first place. Outisde freakery in the first year?? GTFOH!!

Brneyed1 said...

Amen, Chele, AMEN!!!

A person who wants to cheat will do just that, and ain't no stoppin' 'em! Ratchedasses!! Sorry, this gets my pressure up!!

Yeah, I've been cheated on, and I was everything to and for this man. EV-ER-RY-THING, ya hear me?!?! Fool had it made in the shade with a glass of lemonade!!! I'm almost embarrassed by how much I gave Fool, only to find out he'd been sneakin' and creepin'. His excuse? I was "too much" for him.

DA HELL!?!?!

He started cheating with some chick who had nothing and wanted nothing. (He eventually cheated on her too; guess she "wasn't enough.")

After I Tyroned his ass I became the classic Salty Sistah: if the word "cheat" even entered my conciousness while a dude was in my presence I cut 'em like Ginsu.

Brneyed1 said...

Amen, Chele, AMEN!!!

A person who wants to cheat will do just that, and ain't no stoppin' 'em! Ratchedasses!! Sorry, this gets my pressure up!!

Yeah, I've been cheated on, and I was everything to and for this man. EV-ER-RY-THING, ya hear me?!?! Fool had it made in the shade with a glass of lemonade!!! I'm almost embarrassed by how much I gave Fool, only to find out he'd been sneakin' and creepin'. His excuse? I was "too much" for him.

DA HELL!?!?!

He started cheating with some chick who had nothing and wanted nothing. (He eventually cheated on her too; guess she "wasn't enough.")

After I Tyroned his ass I became the classic Salty Sistah: if the word "cheat" even entered my conciousness while a dude was in my presence I cut 'em like Ginsu.

Brneyed1 said...

I want in.  When the IPO goes up, let me know! #TeamBackgroundCheck

tiffanyinhouston said...

Nothing to add except the commenters here and the blog hostess are always exceptional.

Leon X said...

Not much to add here. The Other Formerly Known As Significant (OFKAS) thought I was cheating all the time. Even though we spent practically every moment together. I got weighed down by being constantly under suspicion and had to get out of Dodge.

Lady4Real said...

I am totally late to the party but I have to comment. I've been cheated on and been the cheater (technically) I know firsthand that it doesn't matter what you do if someone wants to cheat they will cheat. As the cheater it was technical, I can't cheat, I can't date two people at the same time, I can't share my heart I either love you and want to be all yours (ask my husband). Cheaters are cheaters, they cheat in relationships, games, projects, test, work you name it and they will cheat. They can be reformed, but they have to reform themselves. I don't blame myself for the guys who have cheated on, I know my worth so I knew it was their loss.

CaliGirlED said...

Brneyed1 are you cheating on us?

CaliGirlED said...

Hey there! I meant to ask Chele about you the other day!

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

"thank you!!! i'm so tired of "well if she didn't look so tired all the
time, and took care of herself he wouldn't have to look outside" O_o
side eye from hell with that."

If they saw the other woman, they'd shut right up. She's no beauty pageant winner herself, and looks have nothing to do with a man deciding to cheat or even have plain ol' sex. Hell, there's a prostitute who works the street behind me who looks like a cross between an Orc and a gremlin - and she's always getting picked up.

mutemia said...

No one deserves  to be cheated on, the person needs work it out or leave.

Brneyed1 said...

No. For some reason Disqus occassionally sends my posts twice. I tried to delete one, but then it came up as Guest. I don't know how to fix it.

sol_dier said...

you dodged a bullet, dude. 
Thank ye gods for gifting you that experience in advance of deeper commitment.

that was a whole other level of skankology

CaliGirlED said...

"who looks like a cross between an Orc and a gremlin..." That's some kinda ugly!

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

Oh trust me, she is. >_<

CorettaJG said...

Agreed.

CorettaJG said...

I did think of one thing to add.  

I personally see cheating (especially this Arnold/Maria type scenario) as attempted murder.  

There are diseases that can kill you (or make life extremely uncomfortable) that are only a few degrees of separation away.  There is a rampant rise in STDs among young, attractive, professional people according to my OB/GYN friends. 

I feel like the person who has been cheated on always has the right to know, full disclosure, so they can make a knowing decision about whether to stay in the relationship. None of this "it would be 'selfish' to confess since I've already quit" bs.  You've tried to kill me, at least have the decency to let me know so I can get tested.

As far as I know, I've never been cheated on, but believe me, if I were, I would handle it like I would handle anyone who tried to kill me. #snapped

Lol.

One Chele said...

Chele is trying to be sweet by giving you a chance to explain clarify your comment but it sounds like someone looking to justify living on the creep to me.

*crosses arms*

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