Monday, June 13, 2011

How to make a woman feel like a woman


I read an article today, it pissed me off. (more on that tomorrow) Here's my knee jerk response. 

Hey fellas, found you a good woman? Need tips on how to keep her?  We don't want her getting away now do we? The good ones are so hard to find! All you have to do is make her feel like a woman. Your woman. Your queen-to-be! Here are some surefire ways to keep that cutie locked up tight.

1. Buy her only clothing and accessories in shades of pink. Nothing says girly girl like pink. 
2. Have her walk on nothing but rose petals. Sure, this can get expensive but isn't your girl worth it? 
3. Pay all her bills, in advance if possible. Nothing flutters the heart of your little sweetheart like free electricity and running water! 
4. Tell her she is the most beautifullest girl in the world all the time. As a matter of fact, to be sure she knows you're sincere you should start every sentence with "O Most Beautifullest Girl in The World lend me thine dainty feminine ear that I may whisper musings that please you."  
5. Give her a pedicure and foot massage once a week. If you're not sure of the technique, take some classes! Well worth your time and investment! 
6. Feed her. Don't just buy the food! You need to prep it, serve it on fine china and carry the food from plate to mouth via silver forks. This will make her yours forever! 
7. Agree with her on everything. Sure, you have opinions of your own. But no one wants to hear them. Just nod and say, "You're so right, baby." 
and last but not least...
8. Orgasms. The ladies require three a day. Everyday. For life. Now you are going to have to learn to sometimes achieve this quickly as women don't have all day to wait on you to get the pleasuring right. Work on your technique and bring your A game at all times. Here's a tip: Hydrate, Stretch, and Deep Breathing. Go get her, tiger!
So that's it. That's all you need to do to get, keep, trap and lock a woman in. Any woman. We're basically all the same anyway. 

If I have to tell you this is satire, you are losing at life. 

41 comments:

thinklikeRiley said...

BWAHAHA!
Number 8!
Riley approves.

maureen palmer said...

Ha! so a great conversation did not make the list? I can't with this list  today. Still hurting from my boys loss yesterday.

rozb said...

"If I have to tell you this is satire, you are losing at life."Do you mean to tell me this all has to stop for me now?  o_O 

David Parrish, Jr.(Inkognegro) said...

So wait.  Four orgasms is overkill? I need to make sure i get this right.  

CaliGirlED said...

What is this, Pimps Up Hoes Down 2011:  Upgrade Your Hoe! LOL

Jubilance said...

I'd love to see the article that sparked ths.

Sarah said...

You are so funny :-) I thought you were ... uh.... working on editing your book not reading articles :-)

I just stopped by here on a whim since I'm procrastinating or rather trying to decide which of the 100+ things on the list to do next. Did you know that on your Twitter feed when you said you were home that link there shows your address? I may be paranoid, but it doesn't seem like a good idea to be putting one's address out there so I thought I'd mention it in case you didn't know it was doing that.

OneChele said...

Not my home address at all ;-) I was aware and put the address to my nail shop in

OneChele said...

Well clearly we don't want to hold you back ;-)

William Martin said...

I have to admit, I thought you were serious until I got to number three and then I fell out. Literally. In the middle of the hospital, clutching my iPhone to my chest. They had to resuscitate me. Can't wait for the post that explains this!!!

Grace said...

iQuit you.

CaliGirlED said...

Four? You're half way there!

Mina B. said...

*** adds #s 7 & 8 to my Match.com profile***
 

Andrea M said...

Lawd, you read that Madame Noire 8 ways to make a man feel like a man nonsense!

bashowell said...

Oh I read that Madame Noire article, too.  I literally busted out laughing in my office.  I couldn't help it.  *wipes eyes*

Mr. Skyywalker said...

Really, you should etch these in stone and descend from a mount on high carrying these ;)
Mrs Skyy is dying over here

CaliGirlED said...

D.E.A.D.

CaliGirlED said...

Code Blue!!! We need oxygen stat! What's the matter? He's dying from laughter!

blackprofessor said...

Too funny!!! Can I just say that I approve of #8, LOL!!!

Sarah said...

The nail shop should be sufficiently confusing for any would be trouble makers. I figured you would be savvy enough not to put your address out there, but I wanted to be sure. Safety first and all that. :-)

Lady4Real said...

LMAO, #4 made me LOL. This is ridiculous, where do you find these things?

JohnKinPDX said...

As long as I'm learning pedicure skills, I believe I'll also learn manicures and facials. Something to fall back on. O___O

Leon X said...

Based on a question I asked Chele on Twitter, I present to you, the ninth thing to make a woman feel like a woman; honor her requests.

http://bit.ly/ltT9eJ

http://bit.ly/m9xjRk

Cocoa Winston said...

The best thing about this is that this is EXACTLY how ridiculous those "how to get a man and keep him forever" articles sound but until you flip the script like this, people don't realize. Imagine if you were telling guys this for real as well as how to lose 10 pounds and make their hair more glossy?? They would not stand for it. So why do we ladies? Why do we?

SingLikeSassy said...

Don't hate. A good mani-pedi person is worth their weight in gold. LOL!

SingLikeSassy said...

Wait. How no. 3 make you pull up short, but no. 2 didn't? *side-eyeing Doc Martin*

SingLikeSassy said...

You know what my daddy said? Be on top of whatever game you in playa! LOL!

SA said...

Ah yes, that wonderful article. Makes me wonder why anyone would write such drivel and if anyone actually believes it and/or  tries to implement it.

Soul Glo said...

In fact, just imitate the song "Soon as I get home from work" and she will never ever leave you.

Digal704 said...

I love attention, but damn. Back off. I am not wearing all pink everything. Don't feed me unless you are paying for the food. The way my allergies are raging, keep those rose petals. Orgasms, I bots to sleep. I'm lower maintenance.

ASmith said...

I'm scared.  Scared to know what prompted this.  Just scared over here...

Angel Blanca said...

I must say, I wasn't mad at #8 either... LOL!

Angel Blanca said...

C'mon now. If Chele was serious, she would never have you dress a woman in all pink, as purple is the official color of BougieLand ;-)

Trudy said...

Brilliant. And you do have to be careful. Not all people understand satire. No seriously...I read some research as to why that is on ScienceDaily. No lie. LOL.

OneChele said...

I hear you but if a man takes this seriously and actually acted on each one of these, I would need that woman to YouTube it and send it in. 

FreeBlackMan said...

You sure there isn't a little bit of "I wish a man would do this for me" mixed in here?

CorettaJG said...

Have mercy! *chuckling*

Alvin Milton said...

#4 gave me life though.
Basically roll out the red carpet then and be prepared to knock the dust off the cocoa at least 3x a day, Chele? That sounds like a second job!

Kelly S said...

okay, i would love to read about why some people don't understand satire!

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Jubi The Great said...

I'd love to see the article that sparked ths.

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