Thursday, May 05, 2011

When Doves Cry - a guest post by @Diggame


Today, check out some thoughts on relationships gone wrong brought you by Darryl Frierson. Darryl is currently working on his first book, a romantic comedy, called ”Loose Ends”. Darryl has written for The FreshExpress, Black Sports Online, SoulTrain.com, Show Me the Blog and various other sites. You can catch him on twitter at @diggame and on his blog From Ashy to Classy(www.ashy2classy.net). Take a look...

Everyone has had conversations with friends and maybe the subject of relationships has comes up. And if the person is having relationship problems or the relationship has ended someone is always going to ask "What happened to Chuck" or "What happened to Krystal?"

These will be some general responses you may hear:

"Girl, Chuck wasn’t ready for a woman like me."

"Playa, Krystal didn't know how to honor a true man."  

There seems to be some psychological phenomenon where we as humans cannot take accountability for things happening in our life. This seems to be shown more often when it comes to romantic relationships. In one of my Marcus Graham Chronicles posts "Is The Onus on Me" I delved into my own personal problems in terms of having self accountability for my past relationship woes. I began to wonder if sometimes we deserve the things that happen to us in a relationship not necessarily because of the other person but because of things we have done.

Sometimes it seems that we will find any way to blame the other person for what happened badly in the relationship instead of doing self-reflection and seeing our part in the ending of the relationship. Generally the breakdown of any relationship is usually a combination of both people's discrepancies. It's a two-way street where the blame traffic travels in both directions.

Many of us love to look at the positive aspects of our selves instead of understanding, embracing, and improving the debts to our characters. For instance next time you are talking to someone try this exercise...

Ask them "What are the good things you bring to a relationship?" Nine out of ten times you will find the person will have laundry lists of things good to say about themselves. After that then ask the person "What are the bad relationship things about you?" A lot of people will be hard pressed to name 1/8 of the amount of things they named good about themselves.

In relationships we all like to believe we are in the right in terms of relationship. A man may think he was justified in his actions for cheating because his lady doesn't cook enough for him. While a woman may always feel that she is the victim in the relationship because of the man doing something to her. We hold tight to our perspective of thinking we are in the right. It’s very hard to see from our mate’s perspective because we can have the sense that the person is not getting down with our "program".

The idea of seeing the both sides of the coin in any situation is probably the hardest thing for us to do in any situation let alone a relationship. Self-reflection is paramount in our relationships because it will become an ongoing problem. I was hipped to the concept of the Color Mixing Theory by Zo Willams from his conversations with hip hop icon Kool Moe Dee and I think it makes the most sense when understanding who we are.

The Color Mixing Theory
In the visual arts, color theory is a body of practical guidance to color mixing and the visual impacts of specific color combinations. The Color Mixing Theory in terms of relationships uses the general color theory as a back drop to explain the concept of self-actualization and personal accountability.

For instance, if you are one color (let’s say for instance: blue) and your mate is another color (let's say in this case: green) and you all get together and mix (join together in a relationship) you all will make the color aqua or teal. The problem is what if you don't know your own "color" and your mate doesn't know their own "color"?

If you are not consciously trying to find out more about who you are, how do you even know that you and your mate’s two colors mixing together make a good mix? After the ending of the relationship you aren't the same color because you have some of the" color" residue from the last mate on you. You may not even realize your "color" has changed and or see the past relationship residue on our character and spirit. The residue of the other persons color we take is the emotional baggage we carry forth into new relationships. We all do it but if we don't recognize our own color how can we understand how much our mates "color" or the relationship has had an effect on us?

We then end relationships blaming the other party for their "color" being the problem not realizing our "color" had a lot to do with the relationships demise as well. If we don't take any self-reflection and begin to recognize who we are and our issues within a relationship we will constantly go from failed relationship to failed relationship. We will continue to mix our "colors" with someone else’s "colors" never understanding ourselves and taking on the baggage from the past relationships.

If we want to make our relationships to become healthier and survive we have to be able to see those things within us that may not be the best things about our character. We tend to think we listen to our mate but when actuality we just listen for what we want to hear. Some of us don't really want to know who we are we just like our singular living capacity.

(If you like this post, check out "The Relationship Credit Score".)


BougieLand,what say you? Are we attuned enough to our own shiggity prior to pointing out others'? Do we ever really let go of that emotional baggage or do we carry that residue around forever? If you were a color in the rainbow, which one would you be? Why? And what do you think is the complimentary color to yours? For instance, I'm purple... I go with everything. Work the metaphor, people. It's deeper than Crayola. The floor is yours...

43 comments:

Trey Charles said...

A little long but I see where bruh is going with it.
If you're navy blue booed up with a yellow, your life is all flavors of green.
If you don't resolve what went wrong with yellow, when you meet a red you'll never make a pure purple.
How'd I do?

CaliGirlED said...

Great post Diggame! As always Chele I love how you have no problems with sharing the "blog podium" with others, not having any fear of being out-shined.

I have a question Diggame, "Is is an automatic red flag when you ask someone (potential S.O.) what their flaws are, just a few, and they can't come up with even one? A 40+ year old divorced man, and not even one?"

As for me, I'm trying to work on what I have acknowledged as one of my flaws in relationships, and not just with men. I can be very stubborn and when something is said or happens that "hurt" my feelings, I don't want to talk about it. I mean I WILL NOT TALK TO YOU at that moment about what is wrong with me. This of course makes the other person think that I am mad, and not hurt, and therefore they tend to take offense rather than be understanding. It's just not good. But like I said I'm working on it.

My color? Well years ago I took a "Personalysis" quiz at my job. I was high in yellow (concern for others), then red (action), next green (analytical) and lastly blue (creativity). It was interesting and true. I wanted everyone to be happy, but if you couldn't make up your mind, then I'd do it because I had really thought it through and there was no time for frills and thrills. I would say that blue would have been a complimentary color to me because the creativity would have been a good balance. (I usually attracted red men with no hint of blue.)

Today I looked up the meaning of the colors of the rainbow, (http://crystal-cure.com/color-emotions2.html) and found that I am orange. "Orange combines red and yellow. It contains the fiery energy of red with the wisdom and control of yellow. Orange is a dynamic energy like red but more thoughtful and controlled. Orange brings about: creativity, playfulness, exploration on a practical level, relief from boredom, equilibrium. This is pretty on point. "When blue is in harmony with yellow and red, there is peace and balance in body and mind." Lookin for my blue man!

Chele, I read this somewhere about purple, "Many people believe that purple is a psychic color and many people who use purple in their clothing and lives are very enlightened."

Javalicious said...

I don't know. I think I'm pretty insightful and forthcoming about my relationship flaws but I have not found men that are the same. In fact, I rarely find a man who can honestly tell me what his flaws are both in and out of relationships.

I've always loved green so you'd think it would easy to find that complimentary color. SMH!

Rob said...

The reason some people just gloss over their previous relationships is because in some instances they have no idea what went wrong.One minute things are great, the next done. I believe people have to create their own closure. As in, okay - that didn't work. Let's try something else with the next.

I like blue. Amy likes pink and yellow. I have read studies about the colors that people are drawn to and what it says about them. It's an interesting ideology.

LikeLena said...

Viva La Violet. There's something to be said for people that live life full out crimson all day everyday and people that are living in those beigey wheat tones. Like you said, it's more than Crayola ;-)

Paul on Ice said...

You stay putting up stuff that makes a bruh read and think.

Diggame said...

I think anyone who cannot see the inadequacies in themselves is a person who is not about evolving as a person. Evolving is constantly trying to what is wrong within ourselves and working towards making it just a little bit better So do you think a man would be willing to evolve a relationship if he himself is not down with an evolutionary process.

Angel Blanca said...

I see numbers as colors, so this adds another dimension to my thinking. I like the imagery of color residue better than baggage, because it's easier to visualize how our once-pure coral has become muted and muddied by past mixings with other shades from which we've not separated fully.

I don't know my color, but I do know my nature, which is mutable, so I mix with many different types and temperaments. I'm going to explore this more. Thanks!!

Dr. Peppa said...

Cool concept - color theory. I would say that some of this self-enlightenment is easier said than done.

Court A said...

This is very interesting. Thanks for sharing! My last S.O. loved black. Maybe that should have been a sign.

CaliSlim said...

When I hear responses like "'Girl, Chuck wasn’t ready for a woman like me.'" or "'Playa, Krystal didn't know how to honor a true man.'" I think it's more of a case of "none of your damn business why we broke up." LOL

But ultimately, I see your point.

CaliGirlED said...

"So do you think a man would be willing to evolve a relationship if he himself is not down with an evolutionary process."...No I don't but initially I didn't want to blow him off because he couldn't answer my question. End result, blew him off realizing he was not in tuned with who he was. And if he didn't know, how was I supposed to know?

Grace said...

LOL - Mine liked grey. There you have it.

blackprofessor said...

Interesting post! I think one has to be in tune with him/herself in order to be a good mate. You can't communicate what you need/want if you don't know what that is and vice versa for your partner.

@diggame
I agree with you down below regarding the notion that evolution should be the goal but apparently, stagnation is what is hot right now. I have met too many men who are comfortable with the idea that they haven't changed in over a decade. Are you asking us to choose a color we like or do the colors have deeper meanings and you want us to identify which we are? Where can I read about the meanings behind the colors, if it is the latter?

blackprofessor said...

I am with you Caligirl, I can't get with men who are not self-aware by this age (late 30s, early 40s). I am like "Dude, where have you been?"

Page Bartlett said...

Right up there with "Wasn't man enough for me" and "Never handled a man like me before"
SMH

Diggame said...

You answered the question for yourself...lol! If he is not constantly learning to be self aware of himself how can you learn about him more and more. A man who cannot take onus is the man who will be crippled to be successful

Diggame said...

Your "color" is whoever you have become currently are. You can only know your color because you can only recognize who you are. You also have to understand when someone elses color(or energy) as changed your color(you)

SingLikeSassy said...

My favorite color is orange. It's bright and sunny and hopeful, just as I am.

I try to reflect on what I did/do wrong in relationships. I want to have lasting love. You can look at any situation and choose to react or respond to it differently and get a different outcome.

However, at some point you also have to decide, this is who I am. For example, I am never going to be the kind of chick who enjoys dating several guys at the same time. I'm a nester. I like to focus on ONE person who is focused on ME. I used to wish I weren't like that as I saw my girlfriends out and about, but now that I am older, I've decided it's OK. The dude who is looking for me will appreciate that about me. Now, I focus on managing my expectations when dating a guy so that I'm not getting ahead of where we really are because I am rushing to get to the comfort/commitment zone.

SingLikeSassy said...

I wonder about the beige people, too. Are they hiding? Trying to blend into the wall, the crowd, the scenery?

CaliGirlED said...

I know Diggame, but I have such a "No nonsense, low tolerance" attitude that sometimes I second guess myself. A few months back I spent 2-1/2 hours with someone and was D.O.N.E.!!!

CaliGirlED said...

I just went through a speedy relationship with a guy that wanted to go from 0 to 60 in 1 week. (Same 40+ that couldn't name a flaw, but I digress). Now I have the brakes on too tough not letting my "new friend" rush me. I'm not used to the full court press and I'm trying to communicate that without coming off as uninterested.

Bethany Showell said...

Interesting post. I'll be sure to give this more thought after this Benadryl wears off. My favorite colors are black and purple. I think those colors accurately reflect me. I have a mood disorder so depending on where I am in my head I vacillate between the two "colors" and I think I react accordingly. I don't have a clue what color would go with mine. What color WOULDN'T go with mine would be a bright, annoying ass color. Been there, done that, wanted to kill.

I eventually let go of baggage from past relationships. I've come to view relationships in an objective light. I look honestly at my part in why they didn't work and take that away with me as something I'm either not willing to change or something I need to work on.

SingLikeSassy said...

Yeah, the full court press is too much. Gradual, measured. Slow and steady wins the race. LOL!

William Martin said...

Some people go their whole life through without a clue of who they really are or how they got to where they are. All you can do is come to terms with who you are and what you really want.

Pure Choco said...

"Been there, done that, wanted to kill."
I sense a post... and a similar experience to mine!

David Chase said...

Men do this when they think they've found something special and don't want to let it get away. Or they have stalker tendencies. One or the other ;)

OneChele said...

Surprisingly well. Great comment.

OneChele said...

That's because it's so not cute to still be walking around with a twenty-year olds mentality at 35 and up. Not cute at all.

OneChele said...

It's hard to embrace purple and be a wallflower. You've got to own your amethyst power ;-) Not for the faint of heart.

OneChele said...

Woo-woo-woo. It's not easy out there.

OneChele said...

You and Amy are totally navy and pink people! (very pretty by the way... ha!)

OneChele said...

I have to admit it's a peeve of mine. I know someone who is all taupe all the time.And I firmlybelieve that taupe people live taupe lives.

OneChele said...

You already know I'm going to steal "Viva La Violet" right?

thinklikeRiley said...

Ya done come up with a bougie way to say tan? WTF is taupe?!

OneChele said...

BougieLand is here for you.

OneChele said...

You're a mood ring! Your color changes with your mood. ;-)

OneChele said...

True.

OneChele said...

Wow.

OneChele said...

Oh! Orange is kinda fearless. I salute you, ma'am.

CaliGirlED said...

David I had to laugh at this! But it was insightful...One or the other, huh? *goes to check ol' boy for stalker tendencies*

maureen palmer said...

Great stuff, I should follow Chele suit and create that worksheet.

Melzie said...

Wow...I really need y'all to stay out of my business...lol. I had this conversation earlier and realized that I do not own all my sh*t like I thought I did. There's nothing like getting your card pulled to make this reality crystal clear.


This right here speaks volumes to the work any reasonably well-rounded person has to take on in order to make *any* relationship work...most important the one we all have with our inner self/thoughts -->"If you are not consciously trying to find out more about who you are".


This is an excellent post with valid points. I think I'm in blog love...lol

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