Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Five things NOT to do on your first day of work (or ever!)


So many of you know that I've sacrificed my personal "I work for me and only me" pledge to participate in a program to get unemployed folks back to work. Yesterday, we had our first day of training. Half of the group is A+, the other half... well, bless their hearts. As I sat on a cheap uncomfortable plastic chair for seven hours, I witnessed more straight ratchet workplace behavior than I thought possible. It got me to thinking, do people really just not know how to act in the workplace?? Just in case folks need a reminder, here are five things NOT to do on your first day of work (really... ever!).

1) Show up 30 minutes late. I wish I was joking. Dude sauntered in 30 minutes late, no coffee, no pastries, no explanations, no apologies and asked, "What time were we supposed be here?" No. Sir. Just all parts of hellnoness. When he excused himself to go to the restroom and didn't come back for 45 minutes, he was excused from the party. This is a government contract, they don't play like dat.

2) B!tch and complain about your assignment. Grown Azz Woman comes in and within fifteen minutes starts asking each person which role they've been hired for. Apparently the answer was not to her liking because her mood took a nose dive. Then we were told which offices we were assigned to. Is it my fault that I knew enough to request an office that is 2.8 miles from my house? She didn't and upon hearing the role and office she was assigned, she commenced to mutter snippishly under her breath. At the first sign of our HR rep, she stalked and cornered her. After an angry exchange Grown Azz Woman comes back to the training room, snatches her purse and disappears into the hot Texas afternoon... never to be seen again.

3) Fall asleep at the conference room table. Yo girlie, it's a round table... we can see you. And now you're drooling on said table... that's nasty ma'am. After she was kicked under the table for the second time, she started mainlining coffee. And then she had to get up and pee every thirty minutes. Way to make a first impression with the State Director in the room. 

4) Answer your cell phone in the middle of training. Yup. Trainer was up there getting his little teach on, cell phone vibrates loudly on the table and she picks it up. "Hey! Can I call you back?" No Ma'am. The entire room swiveled their heads to gape at her. Really?! She tried to clean it up by saying it was her realtor, she's selling her house and she had to take the call. Sweetie, that's what text messaging and voicemail are for. Step out of the room and handle your business.

5. Overshare your personal tales of woe. One dude felt the need to add something flavorful to every comment  he made. So much flavor that I know he's been married twice, grew up in Buffalo, has been laid off three times in ten years and has an unhealthy obsession with thai noodles (you don't want to know). At one point, his diarrhea of the mouth ran on so long, the trainer cut him off and sent us all out for a fifteen minute break. Don't you know when we came back, he launched into a story about how his dream house was in foreclosure... no it had no relevance to the conversation at large. Maintain some mystery, sir... we are of the not giving a damn variety.

What say you, BougieLand? Am I just too used to my own company? Is it me or are these terrible breaches of first day protocol? What's wrong with folks?

65 comments:

Sarah said...

Ah well. The joys of working with other people :-) Good luck with your new job. It sounds interesting.

Wanyanak said...

That is crazy behaviour right there and a breach of any protocol...forget first day! One of my biggest pet peeves is people who never show up for anything on time. I have almost zero tolerance for people who have no respect of other peoples' time...really gets my blood boiling!

blackprofessor said...

I can believe it because today's ratchet college student is tomorrow's ratchet employee! I see so much undesirable behavior from my undergrads, it isn't funny! I stay shaking my head at the lack of decorum, etiquette, manners and courtesy.

JAMES MCCOY said...

An old saying I often use daily around some of my co-workers"There are two ways to do things,first class or half ass"!

Angel Blanca said...

LMBO!! See, the Universe thought you might like some new material to work with. Hilarious!!

rozb said...

OneChele I hate seeing folks who show up for the first day with appointments and arrangements to get out of work early - on the first day! Never mind all of the new employee paperwork and indoctrination that needs to be completed. Appointments made before being hired that could not be re-scheduled are one thing, but leaving so you do not miss your long-standing weekly mani-pedi is not a good look at all.

Mony_Mony said...

At least some of these folks are getting dismissed. There's nothing worse than the long term ratchet employee who everyone knows is ratchet, but somehow manages to survive like a cockroach. Somehow there seems to be one in every office...

CaliGirlED said...

"There's nothing worse than the long term ratchet employee who everyone knows is ratchet..." NOTHING worse!!! But then I'm wrong for wondering who he/she is screwing, or have potential blackmail info on! SMH

CaliGirlED said...

Hold on to your hat Chele, folks are R.A.T.C.H.E.T. out here, and the sad part is most of them don't even have a clue that they have marinated in ratchetness! For them it's just how things are. Praying that your patience will endure!

Jubilance said...

I really can't believe that grown folks who should know better pulled all these stunts. I need people to do so much better.

BlackButterfly said...

Good luck with your new endeavor. I like being on my own because I had one too many years in the mortgage industry working with RATCHET spawn!


1&3 are my top two although 3 should be first because that one will cause me to walk away from you in mid-sentence without blinking.

rozb said...

Marinated in ratchedness and basted with pure, buttery, buffoonery.

Annette Evans said...

Perhaps that is why many of them may have been unemployed in the first place. Represent for the Bougie, Chele!

CaliGirlED said...

"...basted with pure, buttery, buffoonery. "...If we ran in the same circle, people would hate us! LMAO!!!

OneChele said...

So far, so good.

OneChele said...

And you can go further back, ratchet kids raised by ratchet parents grow up to be ratchetass co-workers.

OneChele said...

Totally stealing it!

OneChele said...

There is always the one chick who left for lunch with short hair and came back four hours later with waist length. #ghettoratchet

OneChele said...

Makes you wonder what they know.

OneChele said...

I wish they would.

SingLikeSassy said...

Any one of those things is extra but all of that in one day is crazy, yo. Folks act like they are owed a job these days. If you aren't working for yourself you are working for somebody and folks need to act accordingly.

GrownAzzMan said...

I know it is impolite to laugh at other's mistakes and stuff but...BWAHHHHAAAHAAHA! These were too funny and I was at first tempted to say the spring from the fertile, creative mind of our dear Chele but upon further review I think I have seen a little of each of these in my carreer.

The one I can add is the co-worker showed up late for the meeting because he had an 'important' deal that needed attention. Yeah right, just you...SMH

GrownAzzMan said...

Will be taking this and calling it mine...LOL

GrownAzzMan said...

I always say they must have pictures of some exec with a goat...

Penni Brown said...

Funny! At my job, working with all of these 'millenials' I see the same foolishness. But, we are advised to be flexible and accomodate them b/c they grew up differently than we did.

Jasmin said...

Oh my goodness I need to tape number 2 up in my office! People are always complaining about the work they have to do and I'm saying, "That's why it's called work, not vacation!" And maybe I'm just old school (at all of 22 years old :-P), but I find it really tacky for people to bring up all their work woes in the workplace (and I'm not talking about at a feedback meeting or anything constructive). Save it for your mama, your man, or your therapist (also known as "someone who cares").

rozb said...

And outside the building there is a police horse with a really cold butt...I know the type!

ASmith said...

The way we just don't have jobs out here in these streets but folks act like this? Nawl. Me no understand.


However, and because I'm trying to do a better job of seeing the good, at least nobody showed up looking a mess? No -- did you just leave that off, Chele? O_O

GammasWorld said...

Wow. Just wow.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

On the bright side, at least you'll have ample material to build more characters for future books! I'd be damned if I bore witness to all that and didn't squeeze it into my creative work.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

"b/c they grew up differently than we did."


A.k.a had their every whim catered to like the special snowflakes that they are?

Cha Keziah said...

"If you aren't working for yourself you are working for somebody and folks need to act accordingly. " <--- Wisdom I wish more people would learn. Act. Accordingly. Or at the very least, act like you like to eat, have shelter, and buy new clothes. As my mother told me when I started working (at 16): your tastes are too expensive for you to act out. Keep a job so you can live accordingly.

Cha Keziah said...

Stories like these are why I took such care when mentoring teens at work. They would NOT leave my place of employment and act like this and have the nerve to name me as a recommendation. No. Ma'am. Not the one.


As someone else mentioned, people act like they are entitled to a job. Have you learned nothing? No one is entitled to a job - so act right before someone who wants it more and will act right comes and takes it from you.


SMH...I join the Greek chorus Chele: please be taking note of these characters for future books written for (my) enjoyment. Some good should come of this.

Untouched Jewel said...

Lawd Jesus! It's one thing to say and do any ole thing in a regular job, but a government job?! What was the government thinking when hiring these people? One asleep, one complaining about the distance, the other telling his WHOLE life story. At that point, I woulda put on my headphones and got my jam on with my ipod while playing solitaire at the same time. LOL. All that Tom Foolery was not the business!

CaliGirlED said...

You are stupid for that one! LMAO!!!

CaliGirlED said...

"Or at the very least, act like you like to eat, have shelter, and buy new clothes." This.right.here!

CaliGirlED said...

"Save it for your mama, your man, or your therapist (also known as "someone who cares"). "...DEAD

Rob said...

Very timely. Today, a lady sat in the meeting after lunch flossing her teeth. ROUND TABLE!

Pure Choco said...

In this economy? Folks tripping like this?!

Trey Charles said...

Yes! We had a sister-girl step out for a "doctor's appointment" and come back hours later with the wavy hair just whipped. #shewrongfodat

Trey Charles said...

You know! Bougietales from work - could be a whole other set of posts.

Trey Charles said...

"First Class or Half Ass" <<< I endorse this rating.

Trey Charles said...

#shotsfired

Trey Charles said...

People don't get that time= money. You mess with my time, you mess with my money. This makes Trey unhappy.

Trey Charles said...

let's talk about "inappropriately dressed" person. Wearing flip-flops is never good look, I don't care if it's casual Friday. Club clothes in a professional atmosphere - always a red flag.

Grace said...

I'm always in a meeting seated RIGHT across from this person.

MariSol said...

Ugh!!! That's just nasty.

Penny said...

Are these the people you were supposed to be helping, or the people that were supposed to do the helping? Cause if these were the people supposed to helping other people get jobs....

Earthangel172 said...

This is too darn funny....I can't wait for Casual Fridays. In my office, we always have someone show up to work dressed like they're about to cut the grass. LOL

CorettaJG said...

Oh come on now!

CaliGirlED said...

*gulp* But I only wear the really cute silver ones! Yes I must admit every now and then I wake up on Friday and say WTH I'm not feeling it today! LOL

CaliGirlED said...

That's what I was wondering! And I'm thinking it's the latter, because why would Chele be in training with the folks she's helping. Sounds like they should have hired her to do the pre-hiring of the damn helpers! God bless America!

Rozboy said...

Oh - and on your first day, try not to bring in a lunch that will forever funk up the office microwave. Nothing makes a worse impression than being associated with the lunch that smelled like burning tires and fish kill. Keep your sardine surprise at the house! And this goes for those who still haven't mastered the art of popping corn. In a microwave. With directions on the bag.

michaeldavis said...

this pic seems appropriate right now:
http://www.2dopeboyz.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/2vb3ec7.jpg

Stank_0 said...

Thank you
OneChele

for living the craziness so we don't have to.

Joycelyn Curry said...

That about sums up my feeling on this mess. I can think of one thing to top this crazy list. Getting recommended for a job (my yours truly), acing the interview, thanking me for the recommendation and then you up and quit two days later with zero explanation. Don't ever let your lips form words to ask me for anything else again.

Stank_0 said...

I HATECHU for that one right there.

Leo the Yardie Chick said...

Ugh! That's it; some people have NO home-training!

.tisha said...

Um...Wow. Are these people like...for real for real? And wait. They're supposed to help OTHER people get jobs? Oh. Ok. Verily I say unto you: both class and couth are long lost arts. Smh.

.tisha said...

I absolutely 100% canNOT with that. Ole nasty thang!

.tisha said...

Oh, THIS is how you get THEM. Very politely ask "did I do something to upset you?" Gets them EVERYtime. Especially over the phone. They have to back up and realize they are acting a clown when all they are supposed to be doing is providing you with customer service. LOL.

.tisha said...

You hit the nail on THEEEEE head with "folks act like they are owed a job." That? Right there? Is it. Folk feel entitled. Back in the day? Wouldna been all this. Especially in households of people of color (and I'll just leave that there). Work ethic just all kinds of lackin'. Smh.

.tisha said...

Oh we hedged bets upn a certain employee at last my job, for just this reason. They HAD to be screwin' SOMEbody. Cuz uh....t'aint no WAY they should have had a job past Week 1. LOL

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Fashnlvr said...

Wow! i can't imagine behaving that way! Horrifying! I am totally with you!  

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