I received a frantic call from a friend of mine yesterday. Rose just got back into dating after finalizing a divorce last year. She was married for over ten years before that. She's got a new man (they've been together for about three months) that has her head all turned around. He told her that he wanted to explore the concept of an "open" relationship. Rose asked him to explain exactly what he meant. He said that he wanted them to be committed to each other but free to sleep with other people.
She called to ask me what I thought about it. Hmpfh. I think he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think what is the point of committing halfway? Those are just my first two thoughts. She said she was worried if she said no, she would lose him. I replied that she doesn't really have him as it is so what is there to lose?
She said, "So you wouldn't do it then?" Heckie to the hell naw. But I answered, "It's about you. Could you do it? Could you really be with someone not knowing who else he's with? Or even worse, knowing he's with somebody else?" **crickets** Um-hmm, nuff said.
BougieLand - what would you do? If someone you really cared about said they wanted to be with you but keep stirring the cocoa with others? Who's down for the open relationship? Ladies? Gents? Somebody help me understand.
96 comments:
If this worked for me I wouldn't be getting divorced. And I don't understand how she's so pressed after three months that this is something she would consider.
Oh hell to the naw. That's just me though.
I am
I am
My first thought: He's running GAME & she's falling hook, line & sinker.
Jubi couldn't do an open relationship. What's the point? Its basically saying "Idont want anybody else to be with you cause I'm jealous or I know youre awesome but I'm wack & I cant stop stirring cocoa with other chicks so hopefully if I tell you about it upfront you'll be stupid enough to agree to being committed to me while I pursue every woman walking". #nobueno
I have always been thoroughly perplexed by this "open relationship" label because IMO, grown folks don't have open relationships: either you in it or you ain't. A relationship by definition involves commitment and you sure aren't committed to me if you're still stirring the cocoa (and worse yet, an emotional connection) with someone else. Deluding yourself into actually thinking you are in a relationship is just wrong--don't lie to yourself: too many other people do.
How do you know that you're not the honey "on the side" and he's not having this same "we're in an open relationship" conversation with every other woman he's with? Can you say game? Cut and run, sister, cut and run.
No and um.....HELL NO!
#thatisall
She should turn right at the lantern.
Hmmm, well, I couldn't be in an open relationship though I know plenty of people who have successful open relationships. It's about finding what works for you. I think it's foolish to think that monogamy works for everyone-because it doesn't. This friend has to figure out if SHE is interested in that type of situation. If not, she might risk "losing" him, but that's a risk to staying true to yourself and not doing something that's not for you.
We as women need to stop being yolked with damn fools. A man who thinks that a woman deserves a half ass "commitment" is a damn fool! And we as women who even THINK about entertaining the idea is even dumber than the damn fool. We deserve so much more than we settle for. Any man who has the nerve to think a woman would put up with that foolishness isn't worth having around.
That's a negative!
OK so I read the title of today's post, looked at the picture, laughed and shook my head! Chele you are a mess!!! *ducks away into a corner so not to bump into any swingers*
The only way an arrangement like this can work is if you both get to sleep with whoever you want but ONLY if both of you are in the room when it goes down. AKA - men can watch their women w/another dude and vice versa.
What he is asking for is not an open relationship but rather permission for cheating. BUT if you both agree to play around so long as you are together, then it's more like 'swinging' and you both can see what's going down every step of the way. You avoid surprises and uncertainty. You need to have rules as well.
As you can tell I was in a relationship of this kind, and it worked out well, so here are some of the rules we had to keep us out of trouble:
1. It is only sex. No cuddling or pillow talk afterwards. It's "hit it and quit it"
2. We both MUST be in the room at all times or else it's cheating
3. No giving the 3rd party any oral extras (as we have to kiss each other after)
4. We both have to agree on the person ahead of time
5. The one of us that does not participate calls the shots (aka: he's in control of my rendez-vous)
6. We have a safe word which means 'stop regardless of the circumstance'
7. We go "hunting" together
Ok, #7 was just for fun, but you get the gist. Chele if your friend wants to try something like this tell her to bring this option up to him, if he refuses, you already know!
Oh and by the way, I can almost guarantee you that he won't be too happy if she has other dudes lined up besides him.
I tried to do this. I didn't like it. At all. Won't try it again.
I can say with clarity that I'd never be open to an open relationship. There are too many variables as is. Furthermore why commit to one person if you are intent on being with multiple people. Thats not commitment. That is shenanigans.
I couldn't do it. I'm too traditional or old-fashioned or whatever the word is that means I'm not cut out for any kind of sharing situations.
Fine for playtime. But for Mrs. Riley? No sir.
Oh no. Not at all. I'm too selfish, I don't share, and I'm possessive as all get out. Dude is playing her for real.
This feels like a swindle. Maybe his intentions are pure, but it feels "off." He must be some kind of man for her to be this deep after only 90 days. I presume "adult activities" have taken place?
I would think the only way it would work is if you have a clear set of groubd rules in place and both parties completely agree.
Exactly. He wants HER to be committed to him while he gets to be out and "open". Have a seat, sir. And, ma'am, too, if she agrees to that mess.
I think I dated this guy. Run Rose. Run!
First time commenter, loving the Bouge...
Rose, welcome back to the dating game, but it's not supposed to be like this. Now, if you're into an open relationship, that's one thing... but to be honest, most people in open relationships don't even know they are. *side eye*
Anyway, the only thing you should be afraid of losing is not the man that wants you to compromise your values...you should be afraid in losing the chance to drop that dude and finding the one who is willing and able to commit to you and only you!
That being said, an open relationship is never an option for me. *end scene*
heckie to the hell naw <===== my sentiments exactly!!!
I just finished watching "Big Love" with the hubs and let it be known I ain't sharin' ish!!! If you love me then you love me and we belong to each other, not each other and others. Hell to the no, I call bullshiggity, give me a steeltoe boot so I can kick him square in the @$$ out onto the curb where his greedy behinds belongs.
Lady don't share the stirrer with anyone!!!
I thought it was a left at the latern.
BougieLand, let's welcome CaliSlim out of Lurkerdom with three snaps in a circle for this right here: but to be honest, most people in open relationships don't even know they are.
Amen.
Depends on which lantern ;-)
This sounds like some Eddie Murphy "I effed her, I make love to you" steez - balleriffic - He Got Game for real. I respectfully decline to be in a "relationship" with more than one person at a time. If I'm dipping in multiple lakes, that's not a relationship. In my mind anyway.
"She said she was worried if she said no, she would lose him."
SMH
Deeeep in my heaaarrt, IIIII do beelieeeve, We shall overrrcome some daaayyy...
*Ignites flame of the Candle of Hope on the way out of Bougieland*
And if she continues to date him and give in to the open relationship, she'll be swinging in less than a year. That's one way women FIND themselves in that lifestyle.
She should be wondering why she's just now finding out that he likes to have open relationships...He planned it just right, wait until he knows he "has her head all turned around" and then introduce shiggity that she will consider because "she was worried if she said no, she would lose him."
If you can do that with a straight face and a solid heart, then more power to you! As for me, not a chance.
This is Rose from the Rose/Chad divorce chronicle?!
Step away from the dark side, come back towards the light.
Just say no, Rose.
Ha!!! Ever way, she should be runnin!
No and thank you. My mother only taught me how to share with single serving unopened bags of candy.
Sounds like she should just keep it moving, no conversation necessary. I think if she were the type of woman interested in that type of relationship, they would have had this conversation earlier. Since it seems like he is greedy, selfish and/or a swinger (each to his own) and she doesn't sound like any of those things, she should cut her losses now. Girl, get back out there and date some more men. In fact, with a divorce so recent, you should be casually dating multiple men and not trying to get serious with anyone. Have fun, enjoy yourself and heal along the way.
Side note and pet peeve - folks kill me with the "I might lose him" line. If you are having that thought, you know your relationship isn't on solid ground, you're just in denial about that. SMH!
Yes they have and his appetite reaches far beyond the dish she is serving!
Welcome CaliSlim!!! *snap, snap, snap (in a circle)*
LMAO!!! Right?!!
Too cute!
*drops a twenty in the collection plate*
I'll just copy and paste my comment to Sassy because I just don't have any other words for this!
And if she continues to date him and give in to the open relationship, she'll be swinging in less than a year. That's one way women FIND themselves in that lifestyle.
She should be wondering why she's just now finding out that he likes to have open relationships...He planned it just right, wait until he knows he "has her head all turned around" and then introduce shiggity that she will consider because "she was worried if she said no, she would lose him."
That's a Playa move all day long!!! I say Jerome's in da house, I say Jerome's in da house, I say Jerome's in da house watcha mouth! C.O.M.I.C.A.L.
Tell em rozb!
I'm mixed on this as I don't believe monogamy to be inate or even necessarily successful but rather, a cultural imperative.
With that said, I have friends who have done the open thang and eventually, the relationship fell under the pressure.
Remember when I said I was mixed on it! lol
The problem to me is less that this person wants to do the open thang, but more the timing: Three months in, you should barely be getting out of bed as it is. The *p* got old THAT fast? Hell no.
Send him packing just based on the principle.
The picture snatched my soul and ran off into the night as well lmao
No. Thank. You.
Oh - I didn't even make the connection. Just went back to read that one. C'mon Rose - Do Better!
Not "dipping in multiple lakes" - done.
Welcome, welcome!
We all have, haven't we? This dude gets around.
Grand hustle.
Wish more people made this distinction. There are things that MIGHT happen when it's all fun and games but once it gets serious...
Voice of experience. I'll take your word for it.
I don't believe she's concerned about losing him if she declines. I'm divorcing, been separated for a couple years and I take even LESS from men than ever before!
I could not consent to an open relationship where I don't know whom my s/o is sleeping with. I'll never rule out the potential of some interesting bedroom activities but an open relationship? I don't know about that.
Dang Will, you really are paying attention. *Goes to refresh my memory*
She's worried about losing him... The question is where in the heck did she FIND his flaw, janky, full of sh@* azz?!!
And, she should tell him to lose her name, number, address, and all memory of her with that gutter-azzed request to have a 'committed' but open relationship. For real?!? WDDTA!!??!
As you may have deduced, my answer would be an emphatic "NO! Somebody 'done told you WRONG...!"
If you start out with an "open" relationship, next thing you know it becomes a little freaky. You end up one day in the middle of a hump circle wondering how you let it go there.
Maybe it's just me, but isn't "open relationship" an oxymoron? If that was what he really wanted, it would've just made sense to keep casually dating with a "don't ask, don't tell" and "use protection" policy. I don't understand why people like this guy bring up the R-word in the first place--why did you offer commitment and then start adding caveats after the fact? SMH...
When you leave stuff open, flies get in it and it goes bad.
She's worried that she'll lose him? Honey you never had him in the first place! I feel like sista girl in the State Farm commercial "Who does that?.... Whew! i just can't!" ...
SMH Poor Rose baby! Honey, it's enough you got a divorce after 10 years of marriage, but damn?! There would be ABSOLUTELY NO WAY in Heaven, hell or earth that I would be sharing D.I.Calvin.Klein with no broad, period! Dude would need to kick rocks...like ASAP! *throws my hands up and walks away*
1) I don't share, period.
2) That picture is just too many types of wrong.
Thanks for the Bouge and Friday afternoon entertainment.
Or he knows she won't sleep with anybody else, so if she agrees to the "open relationship", he'll be doing all the bed hoppin and she'll be sittin & waitin.
Again I say, Playa move! Where's Jerome?
Hayell to the what? Emm effin' nawl. That's what.
I'm all about an open relationship for those who can get down with it, but open relationships are not "committed to each other, while free to have sex with others" that's having your cake and eating it too, and $40 says what he REALLY means is "I'll have sex with other people, but you don't do that..." ::eye roll::
#nahsuh
Hi Rose,
You don't know me, so I will understand if you disregard what I have to say, but you're not really questioning whether or not you should have an open relationship with this "man." What you're really questioning is whether or not this is your last chance at a relationship, or even whether or not these are the new dating rules. In short, the answer to both of those questions is, "NO!"
It's not in your heart to do this, so don't let the thoughts enter your mind. Tell Double-Dipping Dude that doing so is the antithesis to commitment and that you deserve and expect better. Of course, if you choose to do this after enjoying a VERY nice date (Broadway show, dinner, drinks, etc.), then all the better.
Sending you strength and positive energies to call in someone worth you and worth your time/attention.
~ Peace
*poking my head out of the rabbit hole and posting this before I read any comments
Im in a poly relationship, we are committed to us no one else allowed, it works for the three of us
if she's not comfortable just dating him then this isn't for her, if they have only been dating for three months, then she needs to keep moving on, especially since she just got out of a marriage, date around honey there is no rush to get back into a relationship.
* that. is. all Runs like hell back out of Bougieland*
but to be honest, most people in open relationships don't even know they are. *side eye*<--- then i would say it's not open if only one person knows, i would say that person is a good cheater as in hasnt been caught yet
No you di-int break out with a negro spiritual! *dead*
'D.I.Calvin.Klein' - *dead and laid to rest*
Can't do it; I'm too greedy to share.
Sorry Rose...this one is a NOPE. I know there are plenty of people in the lifestyle/swinging, but those are the types of things you talk about BEFORE getting involved in a relationship with someone.
Sounds to me like your boo is wanting to have his cake and eat it too.
Next!
Color me old school. I couldn't do it. Particularly if we're already 3 months in and this is the first I'm hearing about it? Naw.
You wouldn't hear from me, Chele...there's no way I'd give that a second thought. To that I say, ninja please!
And so it is...Imma holla Karma and move on.
Really? LOL So that is the progression?
I can only imagine...
Um...NO.
To Rose's situation, I say HELL NO. Three damn months and he already wants start making demands like that and on top of it, its to stir cocoa with other women. No bueno. Five bucks says he's already got a few he's picked out and/or if she stirred the cocoa with another dude he dump her pretty quickly. Now if you're in relatively committed or completely committed relationship with both parties being completely secure and in full agreement, maybe you even got counseling for it, and laid down some iron clad ground rules I'd say go for it. Some people aren't meant to be monogamous and that's okay. You do you and all that jazz. In this case, however something about this whole set-up seems full of ratcheassedness. So I say it again HELL NO.
Maybe I'm over-thinking things, but how can you possibly be "committed" to someone, but yet be willing to engage in an intimate act such as sex with a completely different person? Rose, please wake up from your self-imposed moment of insanity and realize that you deserve so much better than the lame a** game this two-bit ninja is desperately trying to run on you! The very second after he suggested this crap, should have been your cue to get up, walk out and NOT look back. In this day and age of AIDS, I'm not sharing a sandwich with anyone, and most certainly not bodily fluids.
Ask yourself this question Miss Rose, "Am I so desperate for a man that I would be willing to share him, lower my standards and make myself vulnerable to any and all STD's for this man?" How you answer that question will be how you proceed. If it were me, here's what I'd do: I'd walk him over to my door, open it and say "here's what I think of open relationships, good day, Sir." Why do you all think that AIDS is the number one killer of Black women? Reckless mess like this....
Amen OnlytheTall! The very real possibility of being infected with a life threatening STD should be reason enough for Rose to send this ninja packing.
Sometimes we are our own worse enemy...
Open relationships can work. One polyfamily I know have been together for longer than most monogamous people's marriages last, and just had a beautiful little boy, who now has three loving parents and a few secondaries as well. But this isn't how you go about that! You can't convince me that three months ago he didn't know he wanted an open relationship. This is a bait and switch maneuver -- court her, catch her, and then change the rules -- and that kind of dishonesty is death to a poly relationship.
If you think being a monogamous couple takes scrupulous communication and ground rules, then add in another person or two and see that need multiply. You need to know: does each partner get veto power over a potential? (You'd better!) How far can things proceed with a potential before you have to get permission? What things are limited to the primary couple? How does the time get divided? How will you maintain the time division? How will you resolve it if (when) one partner/set of partners is unhappy with the rules? It's so much more involved than "I want to sleep with other people" -- and if he can't answer those questions to your satisfaction (along with the really pressing question of "why didn't you let me know this three months ago?") then you should DTMFA.
You
You
What kills me is all of the deception & coercion that seems to persist with some people that live this type of lifestyle choice. This is definitely not his first rodeo, so why try to convince a woman that was married for 10 years, this is something she would enjoy ? This was a pure set up. Her being recently divorced, new to the dating scene, and only dealing with him for 3 months, makes her ripe for the picking I guess. I bet he saw her as desperate for a man. I mean, don't they have clubs/websites/networking event/conventions, specifically for folks interested in this type of lifestyle ??? It should be easy enough to encounter folks you don't have to convince if you use those avenues right?
A few years ago, I met a guy on a dating site. We had some very nice phone conversations, with lots of relationship background & history discussions PRIOR to our first date. Met him at a wine bar, had a wonderful first date, great conversation, physical attraction was there. We even verbally set up our second date at the end of the night ! The next day.... no call. I left a couple of messages, maybe sent him one txt and then I was done. He just vanished into thin air. Three months later, he sends me an email out of the blue to explain his "disappearance". In the email he admitted to living the "lifestyle" which he explained meant "swinging" and then stated, that after talking more with me in person, " he didn't think that I would be interested in going that way......or would I "? LOL Can you believe that, after all that time, he was still trying to see if he could interest me !? I assured him that he was very astute in his observations of me & there was no need to waste his time nor mine. But I just don't get why something this significant wouldn't come up early in your conversations or why you just wouldn't use a swingers website to find interested parties ?
aisha1122--I did the poly relationship thing, too--and would do so again. My thing is, at this particular point in my life, I'm not trying to audition to be someone future one-and-only, which is what I find too much of dating to be. I've done that, and ::sigh:: just am not feeling it now.
When I did it, I found two guys (both younger--one by 5 years, the other by 14 years) I enjoyed looking at physically and enjoyed sexually. I told them from jump about the other one and that I wasn't serious about either one. We all liked the arrangement. Due to other circumstances (Mr. 14) and misunderstanding (Mr. 5), the relationship didn't quite work out, but I realized that I liked poly relationships, mostly because I loved the negotiations around them and, yeah, the variations in bodies and sexual techniques. As long as everyone knows from the get-go that poly is the set-up--and not throw it out after giving the impression of wanting monogamy for three months, like this fooligan who's got Rose all twisting around--then people are able to figure things out, even if it's concluding that the poly path isn't for them.
As for Rose: even my poly-loving behind would tell you to get away from this man. To me, being poly is all about being upfront, and this person simply wasn't and probably won't be. And if he's not upfront about this, who knows what else he's not going to be upfront honest about, e.g. STIs and condom use and babies by some of the women he wants to be "open" with.
::applause:: Thank you for this.
OK, let me start this comment off by saying I died a little just looking at that picture. I just can't with dude's facial expression.
Now back on topic, could I do an open relationship? In the words of the immortal Al Bundy No Ma'am! (SN: I miss that show). I feel you Chele, dude wants his cake and eat it too.
If a guy told me that he REALLY cared for me, then there is no sharing cocoa. Like I tell my friends, "I don't share my toys." For the simple fact that there's too many diseases around, and just the thought of a potential s.o. having sex with another woman and then coming home to me, makes me want to throw up.
Also, open relationships NEVER work. Because there's always going to be one party who invested WAY more feelings than the other and that person is going to get their feelings hurt. I have seen this first hand. It takes a unique individual to be able to handle their s.o. sharing their cocoa with someone else. Unfortunately about 90% of the population is not wired that way.
What kills me is all of the deception & coercion that seems to persist with some people that live this type of lifestyle choice. This is definitely not his first rodeo, so why try to convince a woman that was married for 10 years, this is something she would enjoy ? This was a pure set up. Her being recently divorced, new to the dating scene, and only dealing with him for 3 months, makes her ripe for the picking I guess. I bet he saw her as desperate for a man. I mean, don't they have clubs/websites/networking event/conventions, specifically for folks interested in this type of lifestyle ??? It should be easy enough to encounter folks you don't have to convince if you use those avenues right?
A few years ago, I met a guy on a dating site. We had some very nice phone conversations, with lots of relationship background & history discussions PRIOR to our first date. Met him at a wine bar, had a wonderful first date, great conversation, physical attraction was there. We even verbally set up our second date at the end of the night ! The next day.... no call. I left a couple of messages, maybe sent him one txt and then I was done. He just vanished into thin air. Three months later, he sends me an email out of the blue to explain his "disappearance". In the email he admitted to living the "lifestyle" which he explained meant "swinging" and then stated, that after talking more with me in person, " he didn't think that I would be interested in going that way......or would I "? LOL Can you believe that, after all that time, he was still trying to see if he could interest me !? I assured him that he was very astute in his observations of me & there was no need to waste his time nor mine. But I just don't get why something this significant wouldn't come up early in your conversations or why you just wouldn't use a swingers website to find interested parties ?
hell to the naw. if you don't want only me, then fine..
BYE.
Well said.
This picture made me laugh this Monday morning:
1) Is that Columbus Short?
2) Why is he on his tippy-toes?
3) In a full-size bed? Really?
4) Homegirl on the left's get-up...
On the real tip, Rose might be a lil' curious herself and is using this ninja as an excuse to do the thangs she's interested in. It sounds like she knows it's a bad idea, but that cat is tryna get killed...or her self-esteem (fresh off the heels of a divorce) might be messed up right now. Some people sink to all kinds of levels of depravity before they can get themselves together. Interesting post.
open relationship=oxymoron. no further explanation needed.
overvations 1-4...lmao. And really, what is oh girl in the green wearing? can we say hot mess to this entire situation? yes, please!
Some men think they want an open relationship, but no man wants another guy banging his lady or woman he cares about. So we just cheat and hope not to get caught. lol
theSOB
To bring up open relationships after just three months just smacks of manipulation on his part. I wouldn't consider it with him at all.
As far as open relationships - not for me. Once you have begun to settle in with someone emotionally as well as physically, you make specific connections. I am not wired to connect with more than one man in my life and never have been. I think in order to even see this as an option, you need to know your S.O. beyond the request:
1. What is his dating history?
2. Was he ever in an open relationship before?
3. How will he maintain the intimate ties between you and him that are different from "others"?
4. Do the same "open" rules apply to you as well as him?
5. Is there refuge from the open relationship? In other words, when can you let him know it isn't working for you and you want to go back to being monogamous?
She needs to call this particular man on his shiggity, and move on. I think he is hoping she is desperate for a new man, and broaching the subject is a test to see if she is open or "wide open".
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